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Tonight, he was here early.
At least half an hour earlier from his usual, but that was okay. He figured the jitters would ease up the longer he was there. It didn’t always happen, especially when the urge to let his presence known was practically unbearable, but thankfully, he’d found a way out of it everytime.
Tonight though, he had no plans to stick to his routine.
Tonight, he was going to let things happen.
He figured a year was long enough to stay hidden in the shadows, content with just watching him from afar. Every week for the past year, he’d told himself the same thing. Done the same thing without expecting anything.
Yet the excitement remained. That tiny flare he’d felt upon seeing him again after so long was unignorable now, the way it had been since that night he came here expecting nothing. That flare had turned into a full-blown fire raging from deep within him, lighting up every nerve ending in his body and completely consuming him.
And it was funny because he hadn’t expected it to feel like this. Not after so long, and definitely not after everything that had happened. Not now, years later, when he was older and especially when there was no reason for him to feel as though he was a freshman again and meeting him for the first time.
They haven’t been acquainted with each other for years, and yet every week he was here, every moment he sat here watching him perform on stage, mesmerizing as the first time he saw him, he never failed to be reminded of the reason why he’d kept on coming back here to see him.
Every Thursday night, he was here. Every Thursday night of every week, he would book a car to drive him here to watch him. For an entire year since his birthday last year, he would make it so his Thursday night would be free so he could come here. Hear him sing, talk, watch him smile and laugh and joke around with his audience. Seeing him so happy and carefree and doing what he loved most was a sight he wouldn’t ever get tired of witnessing.
Age really looked good on him and it showed.
It showed in the way he talked, the way he’d carried himself with such confidence that made his chest swell with pride. The way he addressed the crowd like they were an extension of himself, his emotions, the way he’d allowed them to bear witness to his happiness like they were long time friends.
Yet his eyes showed a different kind of emotion that his radiant smile couldn’t hide. And it broke his heart to witness him still hurting until now, years after he saw him last.
He kept to the shadows nursing his beer, taking tiny sips of it if only to keep up with appearances. He’d rather not attract attention to himself by sitting there staring at the stage, waiting for the bar’s resident performer to appear. He’d rather he do this calmly, for his decision not to be clouded by anything apart from what he knew and felt was right.
The familiar sound coming from the front pulled him out of his temporary daze, and he lifted his gaze to the sight of the man stepping up on stage, a staff helping him set things up just right behind him.
The spotlight was instantly on him the second he stepped forward, one hand finding the mic stand and the other he kept around the strap of his guitar as he eyed the crowd with a soft smile.
Type straightened, ducked his head just the slightest bit as he pulled his cap low, heat prickling the corners of his eyes at the sight, a different kind of ache settling in his chest watching him sporting a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Hello everyone. Once again, if you’re new here, I’m Tharn. Sincerely hope you’ll all enjoy tonight’s set. To start it off, here’s our first one. Dark eyes, wherever you are, this is for you.” Tharn paused here, took a deep breath and gave a smile that somehow made him look just a tad better than he was moments before.
“And just this once. Just today. Let me say that I miss you. Happy birthday.” Tharn added, softly, the smile was replaced with a look that made the knot in Type’s chest tight. And then, his fingers started strumming, the melody as melancholy as the look on Tharn’s face.
Tharn’s eyes were focused at the front, but they were lost there. Type couldn’t look away even if he tried.
Listen just hear me out
Yes i know we agreed
When we break up we'd never give in to this need
To admit to each other
I miss you
Listen just hear my cry
No i won't break my word
if i do say i miss you it would never be heard
Let my heart whisper
All that it needs to
How could you make me take a start?
Then just leave me here hanging
Can't even say how i'm feeling
How could you make them break my heart?
If i can't say that i miss you
Let me say one last thing
I miss him
And all the things he could do
Yes, i miss him
Just as much as i miss you
Oh, i miss him
I know you're wondering who
Yes, i miss him
I miss the man i was with you
Oh i would never be the same
Listen just hear my voice
Can you hear all the tears?
That i'm planning to hide
For the next thousand years
Just as long as you know that
I love you
I miss him
And all the things he could do
Yes, i miss him
Just as much as i miss you
Oh, i miss him
I know you're wondering who
Yes, i miss him
I miss the man i was with you
I miss him too, Tharn, he thought to himself, that ache in his chest tightening itself in knots.
I miss everything about him, even the parts I couldn’t understand because you were there to guide him through things that were confusing at best. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him with you.
How can a blind man find the light?
How can i find the kind of right?
How could you take away my sight?
How could you lose me in the night?
Then you took away the heart in me
Now i'm losing this fight
No i would never ever be the same
And wasn’t that the truth? He’d never been the same Type after that night. After that moment he watched the elevator door closed with Tharn standing behind it.
But back then, he knew it was inevitable. The breakup, the heartbreak. He’d toughed it up and soldiered on despite the difficulty. The days passed, months, years, yet he’d kept coming back to that moment, wondering if he could have done things differently. They’d been apart for years and yet, no one had ever come close to what Tharn made him feel during that short period of time that they were together.
He stood before he could stop himself, moving out of the shadows for the very first time since that night he’d found him here, singing his heart out. There were a handful of people near the stage but he ignored them. Kept walking despite that crippling fear that Tharn would turn him away once he realized what was happening.
Tharn was still singing, but Type caught the exact moment the other man’s gaze found him when he’d stopped near the stage, pulled his cap off and brushed his hair back without tearing his eyes away from Tharn’s face.
Tharn’s voice faltered just the slightest bit, going breathless for a moment for very obvious reasons. Eyes widening in surprise when their gazes caught.
Ooh. ohh
Oh, i miss him
And all the things he could do
Yes, i miss him
Just as much as I miss you.
Tharn went slightly out of tune but Type found that he didn’t mind, just as he didn’t mind the hushed voices in the background obviously wondering who he was and what he was doing there, standing in front of the stage watching the performer like a creep. He was busy watching Tharn as he pulled his mic off of its stand and started walking off the stage, as if he was in a trance, eyes never leaving his.
He stopped playing, and by now he was mostly singing the words without the guitar accompanying his voice, and the raw emotion in his voice made Type’s heart tremble.
Oh i miss him
I know by now you know who
Yes, i miss him
I know by now you know who
I miss him
I miss the man i was with you
Tharn stopped singing when he was standing right in front of him, yet none of it mattered. They were looking at each other, one in surprise and awe, the other in barely-concealed affection.
Around them, people are whispering, but the noise was muted at best. His heart was pounding so hard he could only hear the sounds it made over the hushed voices and the background noise.
It should be unnerving, and terrifying, but somehow, he felt strangely - settled.
There was none of the uncertainty he’d been feeling before, though there was this tingling sensation at the tips of his fingertips as he searched Tharn’s face. This close, he could see the years that passed not only in Tharn’s eyes but at the lines that marred the side of his lips, his eyes.
He wasn’t the only one.
He swallowed past the lump that lodged in his throat and breathed slowly.
“Hi. Are you busy after this or would you like to have a drink with me after you’re done? My treat.” he offered with a slight tilt of his head. Tharn opened his mouth to answer, but he snapped it shut again as if he had no idea what to say in the first place.
Type chuckled. “Well, I’m at that table over there drinking alone so just, I don’t know, join me if you feel like it? I swear I’m not going anywhere.” her jerked a finger towards the table he’d momentarily vacated and bit his lips at the look on Tharn’s face.
“I - You’re here alone?”
“Yeah. And it’s my birthday today so -” he paused and shrugged. “What do you say?”
“I - okay. Sure.” Tharn breathed. “I’m - Uh, I have to do three more songs. Are you sure you’ll -”
He held his hand out and placed it over Tharn’s own clasped around his elbow and squeezed. This time, it was both a promise and a plea.
“I’ll wait for you, I promise.”
“Okay.”
“Go do your thing. I’ll be waiting for you there.” he didn’t wait for an answer and just squeezed Tharn’s wrist one last time before he pulled away, certain Tharn was staring after him as he started walking.
-
The noises still didn’t die down and he had a feeling it wouldn’t anytime soon. The stage was left with just a backup (?) guitarist playing random songs, and Type would have felt embarrassed at the way he’d snatched the singer’s attention enough for him to leave the stage after just one more song, apologizing to the crowd before he ran off if not for the fact that he honestly didn’t care.
Minutes later, Tharn was walking off the stage and scanning the crowd, gaze zeroing on him the second he found him.
Neither of them was talking but he guessed it was just as expected. The surprise hadn’t worn down and he had yet to find the courage to tell Tharn this meeting wasn’t accidental.
There were other things he wanted to say first but words got stuck in his throat the longer Tharn sat there just simply staring him over.
But if they were to move past this, one of them had to start.
And maybe this time, it could be him.
Maybe this time, he could be the brave one. Braver than he was years ago when he’d decided Tharn was worth all the trouble, all the changes he’d willingly went through just to be with him.
Brave enough to keep coming back here to see him after that night he saw him again after so many years, and then on the same night of every week, for the past year, sitting here on this table in the corner just to watch him.
Being here, watching him, realizing how proud he was to find this Tharn, so different from that guy he met and fell in love with during his freshman year in university, and yet somehow still heartbreakingly familiar despite the obvious changes in him since then.
The years they spent apart did nothing to mar his beauty, nor was it enough for him to forget. To get over the love he had for him the way he thought he would when he allowed Tharn to leave.
And obviously, Tharn didn’t either.
And he wouldn’t have realized if he’d stayed stubborn. If he didn’t believe there was even a chance this would work. He had his best friend to thank for that too, when the bastard took him here not knowing he would find Tharn up on that stage, singing of a lost love and wondering if it was him.
Every week after that, he ended up coming here. Staying in the shadows just watching Tharn. Hearing him talk about familiar things to his audience as if he wasn’t simply recounting events from memory, but wishing he could relive it.
And now, a year later, he’d decided he’d waited long enough.
The look on Tharn’s face told him exactly what he needed to hear, maybe more and for now, that was enough.
He smiled and held out his hand, careful and sure. “Hello again, I’m Type. Nice to meet you.”
Tharn’s expression was heartbreaking even under the dim light yet it was the most beautiful sight because of his smile that now reached his eyes.
Because right now, it was real, here, and present. And it was directed at him, finally.
“H-Hello Type, I’m Tharn,” he breathed just as he took the hand Type offered and clutched it, clasping their fingers together tightly, noting the way they were both shaking hard.
But it was okay.
Tharn’s hands were still warm.
They were as warm as he’d remembered it, warmer than they’ve ever been as he held on to them, knowing he wouldn’t be able to let go now even if he wanted to.
But that’s okay because as Tharn sat opposite him, their hands tangled together under the table and Tharn softly asked if he could order a cake for him since it was his birthday, it sure seemed like Tharn had no plans on letting him go either.
And that was okay really. This was okay. Holding Tharn’s hand and staring into his eyes as he started talking knowing Tharn would be listening.
They could start from there.