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Ted had never liked horror movies all that much but growing up, his mom never let him watch them. Not when he finally turned 13 and deemed himself perfectly old enough to watch Chucky at Harvey Jones’ birthday sleepover, not when he was 17 and they were showing a double feature at the movies he planned on taking his then girlfriend too. Not even on Halloween, when that was all any of the channels on tv were showing. Horror movies were a No Go in the Lasso Household. Of course, Ted was a teenager, and as teenagers tended to do, he didn’t listen to his mom all that often.

There was a girl in his English class, Billie Kennedy, who worked at the blockbuster. Ted used to tutor her, and in exchange whenever he rented a movie his mother disapproved of she would box it up in a Disney sleeve for him. In hindsight, Ted only rented those movies cause his mama told him he couldn’t. He never once actually enjoyed himself, sitting in the dark with a bowl of popcorn jumping at every noise. It was a learning experience really. Sometimes, kids just needed the space to make their own bad decisions. He hadn’t expected that lesson to apply to the grown-up team of footballers he coached.

It had been a dream of a day, a dream of a week really. They were on a winning streak, one that had not been broken at that night’s match, Richmond winning with an astounding 4-1. The team were getting along well, no one was having any kind of personal or professional crisis that needed tending too. When Ted suggested that for their post-game movie night that the boys could decide what to watch amongst themselves, he expected some debate surrounding which action movie or sports show would be watched. He hadn’t expected everyone to rally against him and choose to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre of all things.

It all started when they had been choosing what to watch. Beard held the remote, because after a brief stint of leaving it in the hands of Isaac which turned into a scuffle between Colin and Richard trying to get a hold of it that ended with a bowl of popcorn spilled over a very unimpressed Jan Maas, it was decided that the adults of the room should handle the actual setting up of the movie.

They had gone through and vetoed Rom Coms and Kids movies as a whole for the night, deeming those to be reserved for a Ted’s choosing, and had spent a good handful of minutes arguing about which action movie should be watched. Isaac and Colin wanted to watch a marvel movie. Sam, Bumbercatch and Jan Maas were all adamantly against watching anything to do with Marvel. Dani and Jamie wanted to watch transformers. The rest of the team were choosing sides, and eventually the arguing rose to a volume that Roy deemed unacceptable, which got the team yelled at to shut up and meant they continued their search into other genres as a compromise. Which was how beard ended up flicking through horror movies until they landed on Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

“Texas and Kansas are next to each other ain’t they?” Jamie said, not really meaning anything by it. It was just one of those idle thoughts of his, that had to be said out loud immediately. He never really cared if someone answered him or not, just speaking to get the thoughts out. But him calling attention to the movie was all it took to spark an interest.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre?” Colin asked, squinting at the tv “that sounds ridiculous.” There was a general murmur of agreement, and Ted thought they’d move on after that. Ted should have known better.

“What even happens?” Isaac said, head cocked to the side and trying to decipher the movie poster “someone just runs around with a chainsaw killing people? that’s not scary.”

“you don’t think being chased by a crazy person with a chainsaw is scary?” Sam asked, turning to look at Isaac. Sam, Dani and Jamie had claimed the floor in front of the tv, huddled together with their backs pressed against the sofa that Colin and Isaac were sharing. Richard had been there too, but he had since been separated from Colin and was now sitting to the right on some bean bags with Jan Maas and Bumbercatch

“I could outrun someone with a chainsaw any day,” Isaac said with a shrug “those things are heavy ain’t they? that’d slow ‘em down.”

“plus, horror movie killers always walk slow, anyway” Colin piped up, Isaac snapping his fingers in agreement. “It’s a miracle they manage to catch anyone. chainsaws aren’t quiet either, you’d hear ‘em coming.”

“none of you would survive a horror movie.” Roy said simply, not looking up from the book he was reading way at the back of the room. Ted was sure he would put it down once a movie was actually started, so he didn’t say anything about it.

“Yes we would!” Jamie cried, offended. The others piped up with various agreements that Roy ignored. “bet we’d survive the fucking Kansas chain massage just fine.”

“Texas chainsaw massacre,” Beard corrected, “and there’s more to it than that though yes, people do get killed with a chainsaw.”

“Wicked.” Bumbercatch said. Richard elbowed him.

“you ever watched this before coach?” Isaac asked, twisting in his seat and craning his neck to catch Ted’s attention. He had seen the original once, Billie Kennedy had put it in a Bambi sleeve for him. He hadn’t liked it all that much. He and Michelle saw the remake in theatres when it first came out, and he hadn’t liked that one any better.

“oh yeah, once a long long time ago,” Ted said. He should have just left it there, because he put the nail in the coffin with his next sentence. “I don’t think you boys would like it, it’s real gory at times.”

There was a wave of outrage that swept over the boys at the implication that their coach did not believe they were tough enough to watch a scary movie. An uproar of “it’s just a movie!” and “We’ve watched way worse than this before!” filling the room. Ted held up his hands in surrender.

“Hey now, I didn’t mean anything by it!” He placated, hushing the riot on his hands quickly, a few of the boy still grumbling under their breath. “You fella’s can watch whatever you like. I’m just saying it’s not the nicest thing out there. Y’all might enjoy something a bit lighter, is all.”

“can’t be that bad if it’s got a name like Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” Colin said petulantly. He reminded Ted of a much younger Henry, looking down his nose at whatever vegetable Ted was trying to get him to eat. “Doesn’t sounds like it’s winning any awards.”

“I have never watched a scary movie before!” Dani piped up cheerfully. He had been wrapped in a cocoon of blankets by Jamie earlier in some kind of a game, and now only his eyes were visible, his voice half muffled. He looked like a dollop of whip cream. “It will be fun, yes?”

And just like that, it was decided that the movie of the night would be Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The boys all settled down, Roy put his book away, and Coach Beard pressed play. Ted didn’t intervene, some lessons just had to be learnt, and stubbornness wasn’t going to be a resource any of the Richmond players lacked.

The movie was exactly as Ted remembered it. Which is to say It was gory and disgusting, so Ted spent most of the film watching the players reactions and tuning out whatever was happening on the screen itself. Beard, at least, seemed to be enjoying himself. He always was a horror movie buff.

When Leatherface first appeared in all his creepy masked glory, Ted watched Isaac shake his head and mutter “That ain’t right.” at the screen. Dani, still wrapped in his dollop of blankets, disappeared behind them completely when the hacking and slashing really started, Jamie whispering to him when it was safe to come back out of his little hidey hole. Every now and then if things got particularly gruesome, Colin would reach down to cover Jamie’s eyes, Isaac doing the same to Sam. Not that Sam needed it, because he had been hiding behind his own hands for most of the movie, blanket pulled up to his chin.

Jan Maas and Bumbercatch were whispering to each other for most of it, though Ted didn’t catch what about, and by the look on Richards face he didn’t think he wanted to know. Roy, at some point, had abandoned any pretence and returned to his book with his headphones on. Ted didn’t blame him, even if he was pretty sure Roy’s reasoning for checking out was more to do with boredom than fear or disgust.

By the end of it, when the lights had been turned back on and everyone began gathering the assortment of pillows and blankets they had brought with them to return to their rooms, no one looked too worse for wear. A little weary to be heading off into the dark unknown of the night as you often felt in a post horror movie haze, but it wasn’t like that time Henry had watched Coraline and ended up in tears because he was afraid of the other mother coming through the walls and taking him. They’d probably all be alright and if they weren’t, well, he supposed he was in for an interesting night then.

Sam didn’t know what had possessed them to disregards Ted’s well established movie picking wisdom. Possibly just childish spite at being told they would not like something that had piqued their interest. Like when you were young, and wanted to try your parent’s coffee, begged them for just a sip despite them looking at you knowingly and telling you it would be bitter and gross to your little child tastebuds. Eventually, your parents would give in and let you have a sip, and you would swallow it with a wrinkled nose and sour expression because they were right; but you would never admit that because of the same childish spite that had you begging for a taste in the first place.

It felt a bit like that, except instead of sitting with a bitter aftertaste on his tongue, he was sitting up in his hotel bed as the digital clock beside him ticked steadily towards declaring it midnight, Jamie laying silently in the bed beside his own, all of the lights still on.

That had been Sam’s doing. He had returned from the bathroom after brushing his teeth to find Jamie already in bed, phone in hand with his stuffed shark sat on the pillow by his head, all of the lights still on. He would have turned them off, except when his hands at hovered over the switch he had been reminded of the movie, and how the killers always came out of the dark when you thought you were safe, so he had simply made his way to his own bed and ignored the lights.

It wasn’t that Sam really believed someone was in the hotel room waiting to murder them with a chainsaw, it was just that the thought kept crossing his mind and it was present enough Sam figured it was better safe than sorry. There was nothing wrong with being a little cautious. Besides, Jamie hadn’t seemed to mind. When the parental controls Sam was almost certain Roy put on Jamie’s phone had kicked in, he had simply rolled over and closed his eyes.

In the many times Sam had been roomed with Jamie he had learnt a few things about his friends sleeping habits, namely that Jamie was fidgety regardless of if he was conscious or not. He would often be wriggling around in bed, and Sam would mistake him for being awake and bored only to find that he was in fact dead asleep and had been for hours. It was the unnatural stillness beside him that let Sam now that Jamie was also still awake.

He wasn’t sure if he should say anything. Afterall, Jamie’s eyes were closed. Maybe he was trying to make a sincere effort to sleep, and Sam interrupting that with childish concerns about monsters in closets spurred by the same movie Jamie had watched without issue wouldn’t be appreciated. Except Jamie usually fell asleep rather quickly.

It was a side effect of getting up so early and moving near constantly from the second his feet hit the ground, Sam suspected. If Jamie ever stood still for long enough, his eyes would drift shut and he would be out like a light. It was why Sam kept having to nudge him awake during meditation.

So maybe, Jamie was laying still in bed with his eyes closed, thinking about the same monsters in closet that Sam was. Maybe, Sam should say something and they could distract each other until the thoughts that kept returning to his mind unbidden were forgotten, maybe- Whatever else Sam may have thought was interrupted by a distant banging sound, a door opening and closing somewhere down the hall that made Sam’s heart skip.

“What the fuck was that?” Jamie asked suddenly, bolting upright. Okay. There was that question answered.

“Probably just someone leaving their room.” Sam said, and he hoped it was someone just leaving their room. He remembered Colin, saying that if someone was coming at them with a chainsaw, they’d hear it. It was a small comfort.

“Right, yeah,” Jamie said awkwardly, eyes flicking back to the door nervously. He was holding his shark quite tightly, but Sam knew better than to say anything about it, especially since Sam was holding his blanket in tight fists bunched at his knees. “Probably just Bumbercatch, bet he’s going to harass the stewardess about cameras in the light switches or something. Maybe he’ll try and steal a luggage trolley again.”

“Yes, probably.” Sam agreed. Bumbercatch did have tendency to wander the hotels they were staying in looking for secrets. Sam once shared a room with him, and after heading to concierge to get an extra towel came back to find that he had taken the grate off of the airduct, in search of any secret letters that may have been left behind by other patrons. Sam didn’t share with Bumbercatch very much anymore. Property damage made him nervous.

“Thought you were asleep?” Jamie asked, turning to face Sam after a few beats of silence, both of them waiting to hear something else in the quiet of the night.

“No, I haven’t been able too.” Sam admitted. A few years ago, he is sure Jamie would have been ruthless about such an admission. Being too afraid to sleep because of a scary movie was not something that the Jamie of years past would nod along too and offer a comforting word for. Sam was glad that he did not know that Jamie anymore.

“Neither.” Jamie agreed, shuffling out from under the covers and joining Sam in his bed. Sam allowed it, shuffling over so that Jamie could fit comfortably beside him. He was wearing shorts, because he had a weird thing no one on the team understood about wearing long pants to bed. “Just been laying here waiting for some crazy person wearing Roy’s face as a mask to come attack us.”

“Why Roy’s face?” Sam found himself asking.

“Dunno, probably the eyebrows” Jamie said with shrug, petting the shark in his lap contemplatively. Blahaj’s existence was an open secret amongst the boys since Jamie started bringing it along for away games. “bet a crazy person would take one look at em and think they’d make the perfect skin mask.”

Sam hoped his face conveyed an acceptable amount of grossed-outness at the thought of someone wearing anyone’s face as a skin mask. It must of, because Jamie laughed lightly. He settled back eventually, Sam joining him with their shoulders pressed together.

“wasn’t even that scary like,” Jamie muttered, sounding frustrated “was just a movie.”

“I think it was more disgusting than scary,” Sam agreed, remembering the amount of blood and gore he had witnessed just hours previously. It was stuck in his mind, even if it was all fake. Jamie hummed in agreement, and laid his head gently against Sam’s shoulder.

“be a shit way to die” Jamie said, Sam nodding silently in agreement. “Like getting put in a blender or somthin’”

“Gross.” Sam mumbled. The late hour was catching up to him, and he felt sleep begin to creep up on him. It felt a bit safer, having Jamie right next to him.

“Yeah.” Jamie agreed. “won’t happen to us though. Real people don’t just get murdered with chainsaws, was just a dumb movie.”

Sam nodded, unsure if the reassurance was for his benefit or Jamie’s. Probably a bit of both he decided after a moment. They just sat like that for a while, in the brightly lit room warding the monsters off with the power of friendship. At least that was one piece of Ted’s advice neither of them chose to disregard that night, it was nicer to feel bad with other people. Though, Sam was sure this was not the context Ted had been envisioning when he had told them that. Sam glanced at the digital clock, still ticking away beside him. It was past midnight now by three minutes. The sound of the city was muffled by the building, but slivers of it snuck in through cracks in the window.

There was another bang, somewhere on the floor above them, and both of them nearly fell of the bed with the force of how hard they jumped. There were heavy footsteps treading against the ceiling that had Sam holding his breath until they faded back into silence.

“was just a dumb movie, wasn’t even that good.” Jamie repeated under his breath. Sam nodded, and gripped the blanket just a touch tighter. “why are so many people moving around at fucking midnight?”

“I’m not sure,” Sam said. His mind raced, with ridiculous and illogical scenarios that wouldn’t ever happen for real, for a myriad of reasons. One, they were not living in a horror movie and there were no crazy men with chainsaws running around the fancy hotel they were staying in. Two, they were on the fifth floor of the fancy hotel that had fancy security guards, so even if a crazy man with a chainsaw was trying to go on a rampage, they would absolutely hear about it before anything could happen to them. His heart pounded against his chest anyway.

Then, because Sam thinks the universe might’ve been conspiring to send him to an early grave, there was a rapid knocking at their door. Sam would be mildly ashamed to admit that his first instinct had been to pull the covers over his head and hide from the maniac that were clearly coming to murder him with a chainsaw.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Jamie cried, startling so violently he actually did tip off the edge of the bed this time, ending up sprawled on the floor.

“please let me in amigos,” Dani’s panicked voice called from the other side of the door “this hallway is very empty and it is scaring me.”

“It’s just Dani,” Sam breathed, relief washing over him. Which was ridiculous, because of course it was just Dani. Jamie didn’t move to get off the floor, groaning in embarrassment and covering his face with his shark, clearly thinking the same thing.

Sam clambered off the bed quickly, striding across the room to let Dani in; Checking the peep hole first because it still didn’t hurt to be cautious. Dani was bouncing nervously on his feet when Sam opened the door, running in place. His hair was a little messy, like he had just woken up, his pyjamas were rumpled and there was a fuzzy blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Jamie pulled himself off the floor to sit back on his own bed as Dani rushed inside, Sam closing the door behind him.

“you all good muchacho?” Jamie asked, and Dani whimpered, shaking his head quickly.

“No, I had the most horrible dream.” He said gravely, dropping down beside Jamie, who was quick to open his arms and let Dani lean against him, adjusting the blanket so they were both wrapped in it tightly, Dani hidden in it completely. Sam sat on his other side, so he was sandwiched between them as he explained his dream tearfully. “We were being chased by the chainsaw man! and Will could not run as fast as us! It was very upsetting to watch him be cut to pieces! and now I am too afraid to sleep on my own!”

Sam and Jamie looked at each other over Dani’s head and winced. Maybe there was a reason that Dani had never watched a scary movie before today.

“what about your roommate?” Jamie asked curiously, which Sam had been wondering about too.

“Zoreaux is soundly asleep.” Dani replied sadly, which sounded about right. He was the kind of person that could sleep through anything. He had fallen asleep on the bus once, and Isaac had tried to wake him by using Beards whistle right next to his ear. Zoreaux hadn’t woken up, and Isaac had to go to the chill out corner when they got back to the club because Ted didn’t appreciate him stealing Beards whistle to bother a teammate. Dani sniffled a little bit. “I did not want to wake him if he was having a good dream.”

“it’s all good mate,” Jamie consoled, patting Dani’s back. “You got us, we won’t let any chainsaw crazies get you.”

“But what about Will?” Dani wept desperately, despite Jamie’s rhythmic patting. “He is so slow! He has asthma! He cannot outrun a killer if his lungs try to kill him first! I do not want Will to be cut up into tiny pieces!”

“Will isn’t going to get cut up into tiny pieces Dani,” Sam soothed gently “it was just a movie. No one’s going to try and kill us.”

That, of course, is punctuated by another loud bang somewhere in the distance and a muffled shout from outside that was probably just a group of drunk party goers but seemed much more menacing in the context of the night. Dani whimpered, cowering into the blanket, Jamie shooting Sam a panicked look with his shoulder hiked up to his ears.

“I don’t wanna get chainsaw murdered in a hotel,” Jamie said very seriously. There was another bang. Sam felt his own heart rate spike. There is no one out there, Sam repeated to himself. Jamie took a sharp breath in, eyeing the door with apprehension again. “What is that?”

“It is just people moving around,” Sam reassured, but even he knew it sounded panicked. It was hard to remain calm and collected when he was also irrationally convinced there was a murderer waiting for them in the closet.

“we cannot save Will,” Dani cried, hugging Jamie tightly. Jamie shushed him gently, continuing the patting, assuring him that they would save Will from any chainsaw crazies as well. Sam felt a little out of his depth. They really should’ve listened to Ted. In fact, Ted would probably know how to fix whatever this was.

It was childish, Sam knew, to go running to the nearest adult because of imaginary monsters. But truthfully, Sam didn’t know what else to do and he could use the calming presence of Coach Lasso just as much as Dani or Jamie could.

“Come on.” Sam announced, because he might not be able to reassure his friends that they weren’t going to get chainsaw murdered but he could at least corral them to safety. He stood quickly, heading towards the door.

“woah woah wait,” Jamie cried, hopping up quickly and stopping Sam, “where are you going?”

“Coach’s room. He’ll help us.” Sam explained, and Jamie brow furrowed a bit before he nodded like it made perfect sense.

“It is not safe Sam!” Dani said, shaking his head resolutely “The hallway is empty! anyone could get us! what if the killer turns off the lights? we will lose each other. That is how they get you!”

“We’ll hold hands and run,” Jamie assured Dani, dragging the him up and lacing their fingers together. “this way we’ll stay together, and it’ll be quick from here to the gaffers, yeah?”

“We will not lose each other?” Dani asked.

“We will not lose each other.” Sam assured, taking Dani’s other hand.

“Alright,” Dani agreed, taking a deep breath in and putting on the same face Sam has seen him make when they first walk out of the tunnel before a match. “I am ready.”

“Lead the way, 24.” Jamie nodded to Sam, picking up Blahaj from the bed quickly, and together they headed for the door. Ted’s room was down the hall and to the right, and he had told them all exactly where it was the night before the same way he always did, telling them that if they needed anything they could stop by anytime.

They moved quickly, true to Jamie’s word, literally running through the halls as quickly as they could while linked by the hands. It was nerve-wracking, in a way Sam knew was silly, but Dani had been right about the hallway being still and empty in a creepy way. It reminded Sam of the shining a bit, like at any moment a tidal wave of blood was going to come rushing after them and a man with an axe would be after them alongside the man with the chainsaw. Sam could hear Dani muttering prayers as they ran. They didn’t stop until they reached Ted’s door, only pausing to take a quick breath before Jamie reached out and knocked with a balled-up fist.

They waited with baited breath for the door to open, Dani glancing nervously around the hall as they listened to Ted shuffling around inside. The light was still on, and Sam could hear the tv playing softly. When Ted appeared, the door opening with a soft swoosh that felt like air being knocked directly back into Sam’s lungs after holding it for hours, the relief between the three of them was almost palpable.

Ted did not look surprised to see them. He was holding a steaming mug, that Sam didn’t think was coffee given the late hour and knew wasn’t tea given the coach loud and vocal hatred of it.

“What can I do for you, fellas?” He asked gently. He had this look in his eyes, the same one Sam’s own father would get when he was proven right about something but didn’t feel the need to gloat. It was worldly and smug in a way that Sam knew was only in his head.

“Dani had a nightmare.” Jamie rushed out quickly, Dani nodding pitifully at his side. Their hands were all still linked. Jamie conveniently left out the fact that he and Sam had both been sitting in their room with all the lights on too, but Ted’s knowing nod and accompanying hum of sympathy let Sam know there was no chance Ted couldn’t tell that they were also freaked out.

“Well, that’s no good,” Ted said, opening the door and ushering them all inside “Don’t worry Dani, I’ll get you boys fixed right up. Ain’t no nightmare a cup of warm hot chocolate can’t beat.”

“gracias coach,” Dani said, Jamie and Sam offering their own thanks as well as they made their way into the room, Ted shutting the door softly behind them. Another thing about childish spite, Sam remembered, was that adults always knew when they ended up being right one way or another.

It wasn’t that Colin was scared, because he had been objectively right about Texas Chainsaw Massacre being a stupid movie with a stupid name, he was just curious. And Isaac signed up for this, by agreeing to be Colin’s best friend way back when, so Isaac wasn’t allowed to be annoyed. He knew what he was getting into.

He wasn’t scared, because it was a stupid movie with a stupid name. Colin would survive the Texas chainsaw massacre with ease. Isaac would too. Neither of them was dumb enough to get chainsaw massacred. Honestly, people in horror movies had no sense. Picking up hitchhikers like they didn’t know that’s how you died in horror movies. At that point it’s like they’re asking to get killed by a lunatic wearing someone else’s face for a mask.

“Who do you think would die first if we were in a horror movie?” Colin questioned into the dark. They had both dutifully gotten ready for bed and turned the lights out after Ted had ushered them all upstairs at the movie’s end, but Colin wasn’t tired yet. So, he was annoying Isaac about it. Isaac, at least, took it in stride.

“Between me and you or the whole team?” He asked. Colin thought for a moment about what answer he wanted more.

“Whole team.” He concluded.

“Coaches too?” Isaac asked.

“Coaches too.” Colin agreed.

“the gaffer.” Isaac said definitively, almost too quickly.

“what, why?” Colin asked, sitting up on his elbows to look at Isaac. He was laying on his back, his hands clasped over his chest and twiddling with his thumbs while he stared at the ceiling.

“Well usually a girl dies first in horror movies, but we don’t got no girls on the team unless you count Ms Welton, but I don’t think Ms Welton can get murdered. Think she’d scare em off before they tried.” Isaac explained, with much more thought behind his answers than Colin had been expecting when he started this conversation. “And Coach would be super easy to catch innit he? all the killer’s gotta do is pretend to be another victim and coach’d try to help, and then he’d get chainsawed in the face.”

“That’s true.” Colin agreed. Ted would be the kind of guy who stopped to help someone in a horror movie, and he would get chainsawed in the face because of it. “I think it would be Jamie.”

“Nah, Jamie’s too quick.” Isaac scoffed “plus, he’s got Roy with him basically all the time.”

“Yeah, but Jamie’s like that bird from Scream, isn’t he?” Colin said “He’d think it was one of us playing a joke on ‘im and forget to run away cause he’d be mocking us. And then he’d die in the garage door.”

“Roy wouldn’t let Jamie die.” Isaac replied, and yeah that was a fair point. an easily countered fair point though.

“Well then Roy died too.” Colin said “he tried to fight the killer to avenge Jamie and got chainsawed in the face.”

“No way bruv, Roy would be the final girl.” Isaac said, sitting up to face Colin. “He’d take the killer out.”

“No he wouldn’t!” Colin protested, remembering the start of the night when Roy had very bluntly declared that they would all die in a horror movie because he was a traitor with no faith in them. “He said we’d all die, don’t be nice to him.”

“It’s just facts,” Isaac said, like it really was juts facts and not a silly hypothetical situation they were whispering about at midnight like they were school children at a sleepover. That was something Colin loved about Isaac, his willingness to climb and die on any hill no matter how small. It was a trait Colin shared with him. Tonight, they happened to have climbed opposite hills.

“It is not facts.” Colin said with a huff. He couldn’t really see Isaac in the dark, but he pulled his very best I’m-right-and-your-wrong face “Roy’s not a final girl, he’s not even a girl.”

“Final girl’s a state of mind.” Isaac replied sagely. Which, yeah, that was true “Besides, Roy’s too angry to die.”

“Don’t think being angry makes you immune to death boyo,” Colin said “I bet he’d die in a really stupid way, like falling into a woodchipper or something. Cosmic karma for saying we’d all die.”

“Nah, Roy’s the final girl.” Isaac repeated “Bet he’d find a bat to go after the killer with. specially if Jamie died first.”

“He wouldn’t beat the guy with a baseball bat!” Colin argued “the killer has a chainsaw, a bats got nothing on a chainsaw.”

“It’s all about wits though, innit?” Isaac insisted “I bet Roy could outsmart a guy with a chainsaw.”

“what and you don’t think the rest of us could?” Colin asked, offended. Isaac paused, humming contemplatively.

“Bumbercatch could probably escape.” He decided, after a moment.

“Do our years of friendship mean nothing to you?” Colin asked, a dramatic hand on his heart and making his best wounded guilt trip noise. Isaac scoffed.

“Our years of friendship is exactly why I don’t think you’d make it.” Isaac retorted, which, rude. Colin was going to tell Trent all about Isaac’s betrayal when they got back to Nelson Road. “You’re not even in the final five.”

“What?!” Colin was outraged now, and picked up his pillow to smack Isaac in the face with it just so that he knew it. Isaac, the bastard, dodged his pillow attack easily. “Who’s the final five then?”

“Me, Jan Maas, Bumbercatch, Coach Beard and Roy in that order.”

“You think Jan Maas would live longer than me?!” Colin threw another pillow at Isaac, this time smacking him in the face. Isaac levelled Colin with an unimpressed stare, and held his pillow hostage.

“He’s got enough common sense but his hubris is his downfall.” Isaac continued without Colin asking, because of course he had real and sound reasoning “he’d make it to the final five and then he’d take the most logical exit which is where the killer would be waiting for him and then BAM.”

Isaac smacked his hands together loudly, making Colin jump at the noise. Which made Isaac laugh. Because Colin chose a shit best friend.

“I think Bumbercatch would escape, but he’s never seen again.” Isaac continued, “Coach Beard would almost make it, but he’d get caught in a trap right before they could escape.”

“That’s grim.” Colin murmured and Isaac hummed his agreement. “How do you die then?”

“protecting you,” Isaac replied matter-of-factly, and Colin would be touched if not for the fact the only reason Isaac’s dying to protect him in the first place is because he didn’t think Colin could survive a horror movie.

“thanks boyo,” Colin said. “I’d protect you if we were ever getting chased by a murderer as well.”

Isaac nodded once. An understanding was had, that they loved and cared about each other, even if they weren’t going to say it like that out loud. It was fine, because they both knew. They both understood.

“Thanks,” Isaac said, quietly and with much more emotion than Colin knew Isaac would ever be comfortable expressing in daylight. Then, because the Isaac couldn’t just let them have their moment, he threw Colin’s pillow back at him. “you still aren’t in the final five though.”

“why not?” Colin whined, preparing to smack Isaac with the pillow again and see what happened from there. He never got that far, because there was a loud bang, somewhere off in the hotel. This time Isaac jumped too. They both paused, staring at each other wide eyed. Then, the sound of hurried footsteps hitting the carpet flew past their door. Which was ominous, and creepy.

“That was nothing.” Colin said quickly, because he refused to be scared.

“That wasn’t nothing.” Isaac replied, eyes narrowing in suspicion. He stood, holding a finger to his lips before tiptoeing quietly towards their door and gazing out the peep hole. Colin rolled his eyes, but stood to join him in the doorway regardless.

“It was just someone going past,” Colin sighed, dropping a hand on Isaac’s shoulder as his friend shushed him and continued his spying on the hallway. Colin chuckled. “we’re not actually living in a horror movie boyo.”

“This is why you aren’t in the final five.” Isaac muttered, turning to glare at Colin lightly before resuming his post watching the door.

“Oh, come on, don’t make me be the voice of reason. It doesn’t suit my complexion.” Colin complained, trying to tug Isaac away from the door so they could go back to bed. It was getting late anyway, the digital clock on the nightstand reading 12:05AM. “There’s no one out there Isaac.”

“shut the fuck up.” Isaac mumbled, batting Colin’s hands away. Colin sighed, returning to his own bed resigned to the fact that Isaac was going to be acting as a watch dog for the foreseeable future. They listened in silence for a while, the only noises being ambient shouting from outside and the general buzz of electricity, Colin growing just a bit smug when nothing happened.

“See?” he started, gesturing widely to his arms to the untouched silence of their room “nothing’s happening, there’s no one outside.”

Which, of course, is when something happens. Colin doesn’t know what happens exactly, except for the fact it sounded like a small stampede racing past them accompanied by someone muttering prayers loudly and Isaac jumping back from the door with his fists raised and ready, puffing his chest up ready for some kind of fight. It reminded Colin a bit of a chicken, puffing up their feathers before they attacked your ankles.

“What the fuck was that?” Colin asked, jumping up and racing back over to the door, pushing past Isaac to look out the peep hole.

“Something just went past the door.” Isaac said, a man of few and unhelpful words.

“Yeah, I got that much.” Colin muttered, peering through the peephole. The hall was empty now, no sign of what had run past them, turning back to Isaac and asking, “what was it?”

“Dunno, was going too quick.” he replied.

“Didn’t sound like a person running,” Colin mused “too many feet.”

“It was heading for the gaffers room.” Isaac said gravely, shaking his head. “It’s gonna get Ted. Just like I predicted.”

“it’s not going to get Ted.” Colin said tiredly. Isaac hummed, still shaking his head and flipping the lights to their room on. Colin squinted at the sudden change.

“we gotta go make sure he’s alright,” Isaac insisted, marching over towards his bed like a man on a mission.

“what? you just said it was gonna get Ted and now you wanna go after it?” Colin asked with bemusement, blinking to adjust to the light. “that’s not how you survive a horror movie!”

“We can’t just let it eat our Coach, Colin.” Isaac said seriously, arming himself with a pillow and holding one out to Colin like that was going to do anything against a multilegged monster running around the hotel.

“who said anything about it eating the coach?” Colin whined “it might just be going to say hello. It’s probably not even an it, it’s probably just a person wandering around.”

“Too. Many. Legs.” Isaac emphasised, thrusting the pillow at Colin, who took it albeit reluctantly. So much for thinking he and Isaac were smart enough to survive a horror movie.

“Fine, but if we do get eaten, my ghost is going to haunt your ghost and be very annoying.”

“How’s that any different to what you do now?” Isaac asked, opening the door and holding the pillow in front of him like a shield.

“Rude.” Colin muttered, following closely behind. The hall of the hotel was lit nicely as they crept along towards Ted’s room. It was creepy, in the way being alone somewhere you wouldn’t normally be always was, but not scary, because Colin wasn’t scared. There wasn’t really a multilegged monster running around the hotel, and Ted wasn’t actually going to get eaten by it, and neither were they. Isaac was just being Isaac about it, and Colin was being a supportive best friend.

They went slowly, Isaac pausing at every noise and holding a hand up so Colin would also pause, waiting until he deemed it safe to keep moving. It felt a bit like they were kids playing spies, running around the eerie, empty halls of a nice hotel late at night, pillows in hand.

Ted’s door was innocuous once they made it, innocently uniform with all the other hotel doors lining the hall they were in. The light was on and shining through the gap between the floor and the door, faint sounds coming from inside. It was talking, though Colin didn’t know who Ted would be talking too at this time of night, probably Beard though. Isaac’s brow was knitted together in that serious way where he was thinking very hard about how to do something. Usually, it was reserved for things like matches, or trying to bake. Colin supposed the gaffer’s survival in a horror movie was a matter of equal importance to those things.

“Don’t hear any monsters in there, boyo.” Colin faux-whispered, and Isaac shot him a look before knocking lightly on the door. Within seconds, it was opened to reveal an alive and well Ted, smiling at them in his pyjamas. Isaac relaxed visibly, with the confirmation that he had indeed not been eaten by a multilegged monster. More surprisingly, it also revealed Sam, Dani and Jamie piled together on Ted’s bed with Dani’s fuzzy blanket wrapped around them with mugs in hand. Which, at least that revealed the mystery of what went running past their door.

“Colin, Isaac.” Ted greeted warmly, like he had been completely expecting this intrusion, “care for some hot chocolate?”

and well, it wasn’t that Colin was scared, but he wasn’t going to be turning down a hot chocolate made by Ted any time soon.

Jan Maas was on a team full of professional idiots with absolutely no common sense. This was never more apparent than when they had elected to watch a slasher film simply because they were told not to, despite the fact more than half of them hated blood and violence (Sam, Ted, Thierry) and the other half were well known to be sensitive about strange and sometimes ridiculous things (Dani, Jamie, Richard). It was silly, Jan thought, to choose to watch something you knew you would not enjoy just to prove a point.

Obviously, Jan thinking it was silly didn’t stop a single one of them from doing it. He would love to say that any of this surprised him, but he would be lying. When Jan was young, he had assumed he would grow up to be a sensible adult who had sensible adult friends. Friends who didn’t insist on staying up until midnight spying on the hallway of their hotel to gather data (on what, Jan Maas hadn’t asked because frankly, he didn’t want to delve into Bumbercatch’s psyche any more than he wanted to be awake watching Bumbercatch spy on people in the first place. Bumbercatch wasn’t even rooming with him this trip, he had just followed Richard and Jan back to their room after the movie and refused to leave.).

He should’ve known better than to hope for such things. On the bright side, Richard was very easy to antagonise, so he had that to keep himself entertained while Bumbercatch occupied himself with the peep hole.

“the Texas chainsaw massacre’s events are inspired by the real actions of a serial killer from the 1950’s.” Jan recited to Richard, who had a pillow over his head and was chanting lalalalalalalala like that would in any way be able to stop Jan Maas from continuing undeterred. “though it was not a group, it was one man acting alone and there were not any chainsaws involved. I believe he used a knife.”

Jan was expecting the pillow thrown in his direction, as well as Richards firm glower. He took it in stride, smiling innocently at his friend, who pointed a threatening finger at him.

“Stop saying things.” Richards demanded “Say less things.”

“That same man was the inspiration for Normal Bates in the ‘Psycho’ movies.” Jan Maas continued undisturbed by Richards threatening.

“Real people do not do these things.” Richard insisted, sounding pained. He was not a fan of true crime, Jan Maas knew, because every time Jan brought it up, he would make the same face, like he was smelling something unpleasant. As a result, Jan Maas found great amusement in bringing it up. It was just an added bonus that Bumbercatch also enjoyed true crime, even if he enjoyed it in what was objectively the most incorrect way. Richard continued resolutely, “People do not eat people!”

“there’s tons of instances of cannibalism mate, not just serial killers either,” Bumbercatch replied, still looking out the peep hole. Richard made a pained noise, and shoved his face back into the pillow. Bumbercatch either didn’t see or didn’t care, excited by this new thread of conversation. “There’s evidence in Jamestown that they ate a 14-year-old girl to get through the winter in the 1600’s.”

“That is horrible.” Richard said miserably into his pillow. “I do not want to know that.”

Bumbercatch was nicer than Jan, because he turned from the door to regard Richard with sympathy.

“Sorry Richard,” he apologised “if it helps, they don’t think they killed her to eat her. They think she died of natural causes and they ate her after.”

“That does not help, no.” Richard pouted. Jan Maas decided to stop tormenting him now, because it was bordering on actually upsetting his friend, and Jan had been working on recognising boundaries.

“We won’t talk about it anymore.” Jan promised, and Richard nodded, satisfied. There was a loud clattering outside their room for a moment, and Jan turned his attention back to Bumbercatch, who had turned his attention back to the door and was humming with interest. “What just happened?”

“Jamie, Sam and Dani just ran past us.” Bumbercatch reported dutifully “Looks like they’re going to coaches room.”

“Why?” Richard asked.

“They probably got scared because of the movie,” Bumbercatch reasoned. Which, Jan found to be reasonable. Privately, when the three of them but especially when Jamie was not around, the rest of the team referred to their little trio as the babies of the team. It was not supposed to be insulting, as far as Jan knew, and it was a relatively accurate in terms of both physical age and general demeanour. It was teasing though. Affectionate bullying, he supposed would be the correct term for it.

“They will be going to coach lasso for comfort then,” Jan said “because he is the designated adult figure and the least likely to send them back to their own rooms.”

“Why do they get to stay with Coach?” Richard asked petulantly, obviously quite offended at the notion of being left out of something.

“Because they are children who are afraid of scary movies.” Jan answered, appraising Richard for a moment. He seemed relaxed, his shoulders slanted casually and his face arranged in a playful sort of upset. It was hard to tell sometimes, what was real upset and play upset, but Jan was learning.

“Oh hey, Colin and Isaac are sneaking around the hallway now.” Bumbercatch voiced, stopping whatever back and forth Jan and Richard were about to partake in, in it’s tracks. “They’ve got pillows. Looks like they’re using ‘em as shields.”

Colin, Jan had suspected would fall victim to the fear that scary movies tended to instil, Isaac he had not. He supposed that was on him, because Colin and Isaac were irrevocably close in a way that Jan Maas never wanted to experience for himself because it freaked him out to watch them have conversations with just their eyes. If Jan had his way, conversations would only ever take place with minimal to no eye contact. The point being that if one got scared, it wouldn’t take long for the other to follow.

“looks like they’re going to the gaffers’ room too.” Bumbercatch reported cheerfully.

“We should go as well!” Richard decided, standing up with determination, at Jan Maas’ questioning look, he shrugged and admitted rather brazenly, “I do not want to be left out.”

That was fair enough. Jan Maas often felt like he wanted nothing to do with his teams various shenanigans, but the few times it had actually happened and he had been left out (at no one’s fault but his own) it had been lonely and unpleasant. He had not had many close friends before coming to Richmond, certainly not any that he liked being around to the same extent he liked being around the team. Even if they were professional idiots that lowered his IQ just by being around. His father always told him that idiocy was contagious.

“I’m down,” Bumbercatch agreed. Jan had learnt that Bumbercatch was down for most things, ranging from simple things like going with Jan to the bookstore to help him choose some new books to add to his reading list, to helping Colin and Jamie on their weird mission to prank Coach Beard that involved the kidnapping of a chicken and some light breaking and entering. His friends both turned to him, as if he were the judge delivering a verdict.

“I would not mind.” Jan agreed, standing to join them. He put his shoes on before they left, which Richard told him was strange because they would only be going down the hall. Jan thought walking around in public without shoes on was stranger, and paid Richard no mind.

It was a short walk to Ted’s room, because it was literally just around the corner. All the players had been lined up in one hall of the hotel, anyone who was willing to share on one side and those who preferred not to share on the other. The coaches were all in their own rooms in the adjoining hall, and Ted always made sure that every player knew where to find him. When they arrive, Richard wastes no time with knocking on the door, a giddy smile on his face.

Ted opened the door with a kind smile, not looking surprised. Jan supposed that Ted had accounted for the fact that the movie would likely drive some of the players to his door that night, and been prepared for it.

“hello coach!” Richard announced cheerfully, bouncing on his feet while Bumbercatch waved from beside him. Jan nodded once in polite greeting as Richard continued. “We have come to join the celebrations.”

“Well, we’re happy to have you fellas,” Ted laughed lightly, ushering them inside “the movie scare you three as well huh?”

“No,” Jan said truthfully “Bumbercatch saw the others running in the hallway like crazy people while he was spying on the hotel patrons and Richard did not want to be left out.”

“Oui,” Richard chirped happily, rushing over to the bed, where Jamie and Colin were currently play wrestling over Jamie’s toy shark, they all pretended he didn’t have. Colin was holding it just out of Jamie’s reach, and Jamie was trying to smother him with a pillow. Richard joined Jamie’s team without a thought, likely because he was holding a grudge from Colin flipping his bowl of popcorn onto Jan Maas’ when they were fighting over the remote controller.

Isaac was sat on the couch, chatting quietly to Sam who was attempting to braid a half-asleep Dani’s hair, dutifully ignoring whatever it was Jamie and Colin were doing. Ted didn’t seem fazed by it either, nor did he seem fazed by Jan’s explanation.

“Well, scared or not I’ve got plenty of hot chocolate to go around,” Ted told them cheerfully, gesturing to the little kitchenette attached to his hotel room that had indeed been turned into a makeshift hot chocolate stand. Bumbercatch made a noise of interest when he caught sight of the mini marshmallows Ted had procured, scampering over quickly and squirreling away one of the whole unopened bags. Coach Lasso allowed him too, watching with fondness as Bumbercatch plopped himself down on the floor and tore into the bag.

“Now those ain’t just for you Moe,” Ted reminded him as Bumbercatch immediately began to see how many mini marshmallows he could fit in his mouth at once “if anyone asks for some you gotta share, alright?”

“alright coach,” Bumbercatch agreed with a thumbs up, muffled through the sticky, sugary mess he was shovelling into his mouth. Disgusting, Jan though, wondering why exactly it was this particular group of idiots he enjoyed the company of so much.

“Coach, Colins being an arsehole!” Jamie whined, as Colin twisted away from the pillow Jamie was holding to his face. Jamie was sitting on Colin’s torso to pin him down, and Colin was stretched as far as he possibly could be, half hanging off the bed, so that the shark would be out of Jamie’s reach.

“Coach, Jamie’s trying to murder me!” Colin shot back, crying out when Jamie lifted the pillow and smacked him in the face with it.

“Play nice, boys.” Ted replied casually. Jan was sure if Jamie was truly upset about the shark, then Colin would have given it back. It was always quite easy to tell, when teasing Jamie began to go too far. Jamie was something of a cry-baby, which Jan would not say out loud because he was told it was rude and made Jamie upset to be called, but it was always easy to tell when a joke began to grate on his nerves because he would go quiet, and try to hide his face so no one could tell he was about to begin crying.

“What about you Jan?” Ted asked, wandering over to the kitchenette and holding one of the plain white hotel mugs up in offering “fancy a cup?”

“I would not mind one.” Jan agreed, taking a seat at the small dining table like a civilised person as Ted began making the sweet drinks. Jamie managed to get his shark back from Colin, though in doing so he sent them both crashing to the floor. Jan sighed. He was surrounded by professional Idiots.

Ted had been expecting this, from the very second the boys had all rallied together to prove they were big enough to watch a scary movie. He had made a quick trip to the convenience store that was a few streets away once everyone trudged up to bed and gotten supplies for hot chocolate, he had asked the lovely staff at the front desk if he could borrow a stack of extra mugs and he had chosen a handful of nice, calm movies that they could watch to settle uneasy minds that ended up at his door.

It was Sam, Dani and Jamie who arrived first, looking so much younger than they should with Dani’s fuzzy blanket wrapped around their shoulders, their hands linked and Jamie’s ikea shark held loosely at his side.

“I do not think I like scary movies very much,” Dani said sagely, blowing gently on his hot chocolate while Ted finished up Jamie’s, who had the very specific request of only the white marshmallows, because the pink ones tasted funny. Jamie had been happy to receive his last if it meant his special request was fulfilled and Ted didn’t mind eating all the pink one’s Jamie didn’t want. Sam hummed in agreement, sipping at his own drink slowly.

Jamie, stubborn as ever, mumbled something about not being scared at all. It wasn’t very convincing, seeing as Jamie was hiding under Ted’s comforter with his shark tucked under his chin.

“Well, they aren’t for everyone.” Ted agreed “I never liked them much myself.”

Not long after finishing Jamie’s special marshmallow request, there was another knock in his door. Sam insisted that Ted check the peephole before opening it, and it reminded Ted distinctly of being asked to check under the bed for monsters. He obliged, of course, and rather than finding any monsters he instead found Colin and Isaac armed with pillows.

Once they were inside and settled with their own cups of hot chocolate, Isaac refusing marshmallows entirely because they made his teeth hurt, Ted settled down at the dining table and decided to ask why they had brought pillows with them.

“was just checking on you, gaffer.” Isaac told him earnestly, though it didn’t really explain the presence of the pillows. He seemed to think it did though, and Ted wasn’t curious enough to try and chase an answer out of him. “Didn’t want you to get eaten by no monsters.”

“I see,” Ted replied serenely “I appreciate ya caring Isaac, means a lot to me.”

Jamie, of course, had a giggle about Colin and Isaac thinking Ted would get eaten by monsters.

“you’re here too, aren’t you?” Colin replied defensively “bet you wouldn’t even turn the lights off in your room.”

Jamie’s ears went pink, which they tended to do when someone correctly guessed something he didn’t want them to know, and rather than answering he decided to throw a pillow at Colin, so Colin stole Jamie’s shark, which led to a full-on brawl on Ted’s bed. Ted let them have at it, reasoning that it was just a motivated pillow fight and that if it started to go too far, he’d step in.

Finally, it was Jan Maas, Richard and Bumbercatch all at his door, apparently not because they were scared but because they didn’t want to be left out of the fun. Which, Ted would admit he took a little pride in knowing that the boys considered hanging out with their coach as something fun.

Bumbercatch attacked the left-over marshmallows, reluctantly sharing them at Ted’s behest, while Richard joined in on the roughhousing and Jan simply sat and observed with a content kind of look on his face. When enough time had lapsed for Ted to be sure no one else was going to come knocking, he corralled the boys into settling down and made another round of hot chocolate for those who wanted any.

“How about another movie fellas?” Ted asked, somewhat rhetorically. “Something a bit nicer, to send you all off to sleep before it gets too late.”

It was a unanimous decision, as Ted had expected it to be, which was how he found himself queuing up the animated Sleeping Beauty while the boys arranged themselves around the room for maximum comfort. Dani, Sam and Jamie all ended up in the bed, Colin and Bumbercatch sharing the sofa. Richard, Isaac and Jan were left to find space on the floor, but they were given pillows so they could be comfortable as the movie began.

Soon, everyone was drawn into the tale of Princess Aurora and prince Phillip, Jamie humming along to once upon a dream and moving his shark around in a subdued waltz from his place on the bed, making Dani laugh. By the time Aurora was being taken to the castle for the first time, Jamie and Dani were both sound asleep with Sam well on his way. After that, it was like dominoes. It was Isaac next, followed quickly by Colin, then Bumbercatch and Richard. Jan Maas remained awake until the credits ran, but upon seeing everyone else fast asleep, had simply shrugged and closed his eyes after bidding Ted a quiet goodnight.

Later, when it was approaching dawn and Ted’s bed was occupied by no less than 3 of his grown-up football players, with more scattered around the floor of his room and asleep on the hotel sofa leaving no room for Ted, he might regret his decision to let them all hide from the imaginary monsters that always followed scary movies instead of just making them tough it out on their own as a consequence for their own actions. He doubted it though.

The sense of accomplishment that often came with things like this, with knowing that he was somewhere safe and trusted for them to hide, to make mistakes and to find comfort was not something he could ever see himself regretting. Besides, he could always sleep on the bus.