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Caelus regularly finds himself in the Archives.
Sometimes, it’s because he’s curious about a planet or an idea or, most commonly, a phrase used by Welt during one of his lectures. More often than that though, Caelus visits the Archives to see Dan Heng — just to be in his presence.
This situation is sort of a mix of both of these things.
Dan Heng sits in a chair across the room from him and reads while Caelus faces the long array of books in front of him and tries to stop squirming. He’s come to see Dan Heng because he has a question, one none of the books in front of him can answer.
“…Are you alright?”
Caelus tenses, and then realizes what he’s done and relaxes. He turns to face Dan Heng, a little embarrassed from being so far in his head.
“Yeah,” Caelus says unconvincingly. “Okay, not really. I wanna to ask you something, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”
Dan Heng is quiet for a while, and then he sets down his book. Caelus takes that as his cue to walk closer and lean back against the railing closest to Dan Heng’s chair.
“Go ahead.” Dan Heng looks at him in slight confusion and suddenly, Caelus is re-interested in the books opposite of him.
“Alright.” Caelus taps his fingers against the bar behind him as he tries to figure out the best way to phrase what he’s about to say. “I know you said you’re not Dan Feng, but…”
“But?”
But he can’t help but wonder about if Dan Heng has any lingering memories or… feelings from his past life. It’s a stupid thought, but Caelus isn’t exactly knowledgeable on vidyadhara rebirth and he’s… worried.
Caelus’ eyes fall to the floor as he sighs softly. Back on the Luofu, he saw the way Jing Yuan looked at Dan Heng as he spoke, very visibly hoping for someone else. Maybe something more. The conversation between the two left Caelus feeling agitated, and he hadn’t acted like his usual self — too quick to tell Jing Yuan that Dan Heng belonged to Express and would not stay with him, and a little too harsh in tone.
If Dan Heng were to ever be able to experience what his past self felt, would the Express… would Caelus lose him?
“You’re wondering if I have any memories of my past,” Dan Heng states, startling Caelus with his eerie, mostly accurate mind-reading.
“Wait. How did you-?” Caelus’ eyes narrow in suspicion. “Have you got some other secret power you haven’t told us about?”
“You’re… very expressive,” Dan Heng says, almost smiling as if he’s amused. “Also, you got this way the last time you asked about my past as well. It wasn’t difficult to put two and two together.”
Caelus closes his eyes. “Right. Uh, I just wanted to know… well, you’ve told me about the nightmares you get about your past and- I don’t mean to pry but I can’t help but be curious about other things as well.”
“Hm.” Caelus hears Dan Heng shuffle — maybe lean forward — in his chair. He keeps his eyes closed. “Curiosity? Is that what’s brought this on?”
“Yeah. It’s just- I’ve been picking up things from what you tell me and from what others have said and I… wonder.”
Dan Heng is quiet for a while, and then he speaks. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me all of what’s bothering you, Caelus. There’s something specific you want to know about. You know I will not take offense to anything you ask me.”
“Right,” Caelus repeats. He opens his eyes and faces Dan Heng, finding him already staring at him almost poker-faced. If it were someone else, someone from off the Express, they wouldn’t have noticed that underneath his expression, Dan Heng seemed to be steeling himself.
“You- your past self seemed to be really close to Jing Yuan and Blade and the others of that group. The High-Cloud Quintet? And- for you to finally be learning so much about your past and having nightmares of glimpses of your past, there’s the possibility of you remembering how you- your past self felt in your past, right?” Caelus rambles.
“I’m not him,” Dan Heng replies easily.
Caelus nods. “Of course. Right. But… hypothetically, could you-”
“Caelus,” Dan Heng gets up from he was sitting and moves to stand right in front of Caelus, so close that Caelus has no choice but to raise his head and gaze directly at him. “Look at me when I say this. I’m not him. If I somehow I managed to recover feelings from my past self, I would regard them the same way I do the memories. I would not pursue them and above all, I would not make them my own.”
Dan Heng’s face inches closer to Caelus’ and Caelus feels his breath hitch. “I like you, Caelus,” he says, as if knowing Caelus needed some reminder. “I like the Express. I like being a part of the Nameless. I like the life I’ve been accepted into. If there is one thing I can swear to you will never happen, it’s that my past will never dictate my future. I promise you that.”
“…Alright,” Caelus lets out the breath he was holding staggeredly and allows his forehead to rest upon Dan Heng’s. “Okay.” He feels tension leave his body and really breathes. Honestly, what was he so worried about?
He hears Dan Heng huff out a laugh, almost like he could actually read Caelus’ mind and found his tendency to overthink humorous.
Caelus groans. “What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing.” Dan Heng then has the audacity to repeat the sound. He’s lucky it’s not one Caelus hears often. “I apologize. You were worried, weren’t you?”
Yes. “Maybe… a little bit. It was kind of stupid, getting like this over a joke.”
Dan Heng leans back and tilts his head. “A joke?”
“What the general said.” Caelus doesn’t repeat Jing Yuan’s words. As innocent as they were, he feels uncomfortable thinking about their implications. Caelus watches as Dan Heng looks at him in confusion before something seems to hit him. Dan Heng’s face softens and he places a hand on the side of Caelus’ face.
“You have nothing to worry about.” His tone leaves nothing to question. Caelus’ face starts to feel quite warm as Dan Heng’s thumb begins stroking his cheek.
Caelus anticipates the kiss that follows and falls into it easily. It’s not surprising that his worries fall away pretty soon after that as well.