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“Dearest, you need to listen. This is the history of your family, not some silly tale !” Your mother’s voice snaps, tired and frustrated.
You groan. History really is the most boring of your lessons. At least etiquette teaches you how to charm anyone.
“Why does it matter anyway ? It’s not as though we will inherit anything. I’m fifth in line for the throne.”
“You already have lands and a title. Which means there are people depending on you. And might I add, you have a duty to your family, to protect and stand by us. Just like your father has a duty to his realm, to be their shield and sword, to lead and avenge. Ruling over your vassals is doing your duty to your family.”
“Well I’m not a Lord or a Lady, I am a knight ! I will ride into battle and bring honor to my family, not rule over some county no one has ever heard of ....”
You stand, using your quill like a sword and pierce the heart of an imaginary monster. Leaping over your desk, you land in front of her, bow dramatically and kiss her hand with a smile.
“Cleophe Tatiana of the Isles !” She shouts suddenly.
You stiffen, letting go of her hand. Your mother never calls you by your full name, nobody does really. The only time you hear it is when you are announced at a great ball. Surprised, feeling small, you let yourself fall silently to the ground, sitting on the cold stone.
“Princess of the realm.” She continues, her voice strong and her eyes unforgiving. “Baroness of Lidivy, Viscountess of the Silver Bay and Countess of the Argent Islands. That is who you are. You were born into nobility, the highest of nobility, which has given you a roof over your head, food on your table and the right to dream. In exchange, you have responsibilities. To your King, to your family and to your people. Never forget it.”
“But… What if I don’t want it ?” You whisper, hugging your knees to your chest.
Your mother sighs and kneels down to you. Her face has lost some of its hardness but her eyes seem incredibly sad. You want her to reassure you but you don’t want her to speak, because she’s not going to say what you want to hear.
“If you decide you do not want it, then there is only one thing you can actually do. You could hire stewards to handle everybody and hide yourself away. But your vassals will still ask for you, every step you will take in your home will be filled with people asking you for help and leadership. It will not free you, it will simply put a distance between you and your duty. You are too high born not to matter.” She stares you down, her voice even but melancholic. “The only true way to be free, would be to die. You could fake your death and entrust your seat to the next in line. You would then be free to roam the roads of the world. But it would mean renouncing your name and everything you have. You would never see us again.” She finishes with a sigh.
“Couldn’t I have you still ?” You beg quietly.
“Duty and family are one and the same. You cannot have one without the other.”
The stone underneath you is really cold. Maybe if you focus on it enough you can stop thinking about what she said. It’s a simple but clean-cut slab of gray stone that is repeated a hundred times in the room. Gray. What a terrible color. So boring and so dull. Except when the sun shines on it, then it turns to silver and shines. You are the viscountess of the Silver Bay. No, don't think about it, think about how cold the stone is. Just like the water around Argent Island.
It’s not fair.
Really it’s not ! Why do you have to choose ? Why is it all or nothing ? The other nobles don't have that many responsibilities ! All they do is talk and gossip and dance, no one cares about what they do, so why must you choose ?
“It’s not fair !”
“My dear, you were born into royalty which has made your life much harder and much easier at the same time. While you might romanticize the life of a poor beggar or an orphaned girl, they do not have access to the simple privileges we have.” She says. “Cleophe, do you remember the year you had a fever ?”
You do, it was the worst experience ever. Stuck in bed for a full month, though you were only delirious for a week. The doctors had insisted on you staying and resting.
“Yes, it was incredibly annoying. What does that have to do with anything ?”
“Two hundred of our people died from the exact same fever. A hundred more who suffered from it but recovered lost their work because of it.”
“What ? That’s awful !”
“Yes it is. Do you know why they were so much more affected by it ?”
“Hum…”
“Because there were doctors tending to you. Because you have always been fed enough, so your body is strong and ready to defend itself. Because you could sleep in a warm room. Because you never had to wear the same dirty clothes that still carried the disease.” She said gently but firmly. “I am not trying to make you feel bad, my sweet, but you have to be aware of your luck. Aware of the privileges that came with your station. You were born into responsibilities and duty, but also into wealth and luxury.”
For someone not trying to hurt you, she sure is good at it.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
“Alexander, you must help me ! Convince father to change her mind !” You plead with your brother.
“This will be good for you. You’ve never even been to the Argent Islands.” He answers, every bit the perfect son he is.
“So ? They don’t need me, they have been fine for years ! I have other things to do.”
“It’s your duty Phé. Not just to your vassals, but to your family. To us !”
Duty. Always so much duty. You are supposed to go spend a year away from court to learn how to run a land and take care of your people. Your mother has decided that at seventeen you were old enough to slowly take over from your stewards. Apparently, you’re an adult now. Which should mean you can decide for yourself, but actually means you have to do boring things.
“We all have to do ours.” He insists.
“Easy for you to say ! Your duty is right here. You get to stay at home with all of your friends while I am exiled to the furthest island of the kingdom !”
“Exile is a bit big, don’t you think ? It’s just a week of travel and you will be in charge of our biggest military port ! You should be proud.”
“Yeah, right.” You grumble, leaving angrily.
You remember a conversation with your mother, when you were no more than thirteen. She had told you you would need to choose. Duty or freedom, wealth or poverty, family or adventure.
Shitty choice.
You picked duty to stay with your family so why couldn't you see them anymore ? Easy, because duty sucks. It’s unfair and useless. It’s just an excuse to get rid of you ! Really you should just disappear, run away and be a wandering knight. You could mask your identity, enter tournaments to impress all the beautiful princesses and princes or become the most renowned writer ever ! Under a fake name obviously, you would stop being Cleophé and become… Teagan ? It means poet after all. But who would you write about, you would have to say goodbye forever to Beth and to Anne. You’d only have their memory to keep you warm. Plus, Beth would have to marry Alexander and you can’t let that happen.
Coward whispers your mind, as you sit in the carriage, watching the castle get smaller and smaller until even Niveal disappears from view.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
Your father is dead.
Your father is dead.
That’s not possible, he is bigger than life itself.
Your father is dead.
No. Surely the messenger is wrong.
Your father is dead.
Lord Aves betrayed him and cut off his head.
Your father is dead.
It doesn’t feel real. You’re away, tucked safely on the Argent Islands. You should have been there, you should have been with him. Maybe you would have.. you would have what ? You’re just a child a useless child sent to the other side of the kingdom but you can fight ! You could have helped.
Your father is dead.
You need to go home, find Alexander and help him take the city back. For once duty and desire align. Why did it have to be because of that ?
Your father is dead.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
The war is over, you won. Victory tastes like ash. You won so now you need to decide what to do with the traitor.
Lord Aves. The man you called uncle. The one who gifted you your first book. He betrayed you. He hurt everything you hold dear. You love hate him. You should execute him. But doing so would make you cruel wouldn’t it ? You are against the death penalty, aren’t you ? That’s not what heroes do, is it ?
Your mother said duty and family went hand in hand together. She said you could make a choice : be free but alone or be bound but surrounded. Well mother is dead. Father was beheaded. Alexander is missing. You chose to be bound to your duty but you are alone.
“If you pardon me, I'll tell you where he is !”
Duty and Family. They were always supposed to go hand in hand. So why did they contradict each other ? Your mother said so. She said you had to make a choice : be free but alone or be bound but surrounded. Well mother is dead. Father was beheaded. Alexander is missing. You chose to be bound to your duty and now you are alone.
You have a new choice to make.
Keeping the traitor alive is a danger for your entire kingdom : he had risen twice against the crown, tried to poison you despite your pardon, had allies everywhere and even more spies. Leaving him alive was as good as signing your people up for a third war. Keeping him alive meant sacrificing your soldiers. All in the hope he might tell the truth for once and tell you where Alexander is, all for your honor.
Duty dictated you kill him. Family demanded you keep him alive.
Maybe you had it backwards. Maybe it wasn’t duty clashing with family : maybe it was just duty clashing with duty. You have a duty to your family, to protect and stand by them. But you also have a duty to your realm, to be their shield and sword, to lead and avenge. So which duty is more important ?
The answer is obvious. So why does it hurt ?
Please forgive me Alexander, please hold on a bit longer.
“For his crimes of treasons, Lord Aves is hereby stripped of his titles and condemned to death by the sword.”