Chapter Text
lee felix is perfect. if you look up the word ‘perfect’ in the dictionary, the definition will be ‘lee felix’. it’s true, ask anyone. ask hyunjin. he can give you a 1000 page essay explaining exactly why felix is perfect.
the first reason he’d give would be felix’s skin. felix’s skin is flawless; his pores are barely visible; in his 23 years of being alive he hasn’t acquired a single wrinkle; he almost never gets pimples and whenever he does, they disappear within a week without any scarring at all; he’s got freckles for fuck’s sake. lots of people have freckles, hyunjin knows that, but are all those freckles scattered as perfectly as felix’s? do they form constellations? or little hearts? no, obviously they don’t. and even if they did; hyunjin is sure they still wouldn’t be as perfect as felix’s.
furthermore felix has brown eyes that hyunjin’s brown eyes don’t hold a candle to. no one’s eyes in the group hold a candle to felix’s. isn’t that just ridiculous? all of them have brown eyes, but only felix’s are that beautiful. it’s even more ridiculous when felix puts in coloured contacts and they suit him just as much as his brown eyes. coloured contacts look out of place in hyunjin’s eyes, you can immediately see that they’re fake; it’s annoying.
there’s also the fact that felix smells absolutely amazing. all the fucking time. even when he doesn’t wear cologne, even after a concert, even in the summer heat. hyunjin tried on felix’s perfume once, it didn’t smell as good on him as it does on felix. but when felix tried on hyunjin’s, it smelled perfect. it fit him just right. hyunjin was stunned to silence. that might have been the first time felix made hyunjin’s inside twist painfully into something ugly. all he could do then was smile, but of course, it didn’t look as pretty as felix’s.
he had watched from the sidelines as felix made his way to the living room and seungmin asked him what cologne he was wearing. seungmin had complimented him. seungmin had said felix smelled great, but when he came into their shared room, he had asked hyunjin when he was going to shower. hyunjin showered two times within the span of an hour that day.
there was also that time before hyunjin filmed his play with fire skz-player. hyunjin wears a ribbon in his hair for that video. he had to practice tying it effectively. felix had been in his room with him, watching hyunjin with loving eyes. afterwards, when hyunjin had perfected tying the ribbon, felix had requested to try it on. hyunjin agreed; how could he ever say no to felix?
hyunjin still feels nauseous when he thinks about that lump in his throat when he took a step back and saw how felix looked. “you look beautiful,” hyunjin had whispered. his throat had hurt with every word, he had cried himself to sleep that night, but he had never been more honest. felix had looked beautiful. more than anything or anyone else.
of course, being perfect goes deeper than just being beautiful. if felix had been just beautiful, if he had been ugly on the inside, things would have been fine. hyunjin would have been fine. but felix isn’t just beautiful, and hyunjin isn’t fine.
felix is so ridiculously kind. like when he made cookies and brownies for everyone during kingdom. hyunjin knows it was the worst time of his life, but the only thing he truly remembers is facetiming with felix from 10pm till 2am, while felix made around 300 cookies and brownies for everyone. even packing some up for hyunjin and making sure their manager delivered it to him.
hyunjin also remembers his breakdown the day before his comeback. he remembers sobbing like a child, clawing at felix to survive, and he remembers felix being with him through the whole thing. he remembers how felix had held him, had wiped his tears, had given him advice and a pep talk, and even helped hyunjin’s face depuff afterwards.
felix isn’t just kind to hyunjin either. felix is kind to every fucking one. it aches hyunjin’s heart to see how gentle felix is with everyone, how kind and open, when all hyunjin does is isolate himself. he always finds himself watching how felix gets seungmin out of his hole, or jeongin out of his head. or how he calms jisung down. or how he gets chan to rest. or how he boosts changbin’s confidence when it starts to waver. or how he helps minho see things the way they are when his head starts to twist everything up. felix is kind to his family too, and to the fans, and to the staff, and to everyone.
the worst part, though, is that felix has the one thing hyunjin so desperately wants. happiness. felix is happy, despite the hardships they go through, despite the exhaustion hyunjin knows all of them feel, despite the hate. despite every thing, felix is genuinely happy in life. above everything else, happiness is the only thing hyunjin truly wants. but felix gets everything else, so this too, and hyunjin is left with absolutely nothing.
so, felix is perfect and hyunjin feels green with jealousy. sometimes hyunjin considers telling felix that he’s been doing badly. that he’s been losing it for a while now. that every compliment felix gives him, feels like bullets on his skin. that his heart has morphed into something ugly that it wasn’t before. that he has become green and he’s starting to see it in the mirror. hyunjin considers asking felix if he sees it too? the green undertone hyunjin has lately. he considers telling felix that sometimes he despises felix just as much as he despises himself.
that’s the scariest parts about hyunjin’s jealousy, that sometimes it starts feeling a lot like hatred. he isn’t even sure that it isn’t hatred, because it could be. because sometimes he can’t even look at felix. because sometimes he considers saying things that he knows will hurt, just to watch the way felix’s smile will fall. because sometimes he purposely ignores felix’s texts. because sometimes he rolls his eyes when felix starts talking. because the things he thinks can’t be anything other than hatred.
and it’s getting worse lately. he can’t stand being in the same room as felix for longer than a few minutes, the other members are starting to notice. it’s starting to ruin his other friendships, too. there are too many moments where he finds himself comparing the members to felix, looking for flaws in them that felix doesn’t have. there was also that time during dance practice where he snapped at minho for using felix as an example when hyunjin messed up.
hyunjin still cringes when he remembers his words and the way he stormed out. “well, if felix’s footwork is so fucking perfect, then why doesn’t he just take centre? i don’t fucking want it anymore!” he had yelled before storming out and disappearing for the day.
that’s another thing that hyunjin’s picked up since this all started; disappearing. felix will unknowingly do something that upsets hyunjin, and hyunjin will just disappear. if felix texts him when he’s upset, he’ll turn on airplane mode and ignore everyone else, too.
chan’s told him off more than a few times already, but hyunjin still thinks it’s better than the alternative; starting a fight.
the thing is, hyunjin has reached his breaking point. everything he does, feels, says, it’s all based off felix. he’ll only eat when felix eats, he only participates in a conversation or activity when felix does, he only listens to felix’s playlist, all of his art contains felix in one way or another. his day is determined by if he sees felix or not; his mood is determined by the words felix says to him; he can’t sleep if he hasn’t spoken to felix once that day.
if he looks in the mirror, it’s with felix in his head. if he speaks, it’s with felix’s vocabulary. if exists, it’s with the energy felix gives off. felix is poisonous; he is poisoning every little thing hyunjin does.
hyunjin worships felix. hyunjin hates felix. hyunjin hates himself for becoming an idol and meeting felix. he hates his rotten mind for how obsessed it has become with felix. he hates his eyes and how hard they’ve fallen for felix. he hates his cursed mouth for only speaking felix’s name and felix’s words. he hates his shrivelled heart and how it beats only for felix. he hates himself.
felix is made of angel dust; hyunjin is made of poisonous green-coloured jealousy.
the thing is, hyunjin understands that the only reason he’s laying in this grave, is because he’s the one that dug it. but that doesn’t make it any easier to climb out of. not by himself, at least.
hyunjin thought long about who to ask for help. chan would want to fix it immediately; he’d involve felix, which is the last thing hyunjin wants. changbin and seungmin would be too logical, and hyunjin doesn’t want the facts laid out for him, he’s already aware of them. jisung is too empathetic, he’d feel the intensity of hyunjin’s problem as if it were his own, and that would only make things worse. jeongin is younger than him. which leaves minho.
minho has the perfect balance between logical and emotional. he knows exactly how to remove himself from the situation to look at it with a critical eye, but not feel apathetic to it.
hyunjin had asked minho to meet up 3 days ago, today being the first opening they both had. it had been enough time for hyunjin to go over everything he wanted to say, to prepare himself for it. but now minho’s at his dorm, while 3racha are at the studio, and hyunjin’s forgotten everything he had wanted to say. he had already made them tea, so he doesn’t even have an excuse to leave the room and gather his thoughts.
minho gets comfortable on the couch, then pats the space next to him. he wraps his arms around hyunjin once the younger sits down, but doesn’t say anything else. there’s almost 15 minutes of silence before minho says his name. hyunjin’s dam immediately breaks, his eyes well up as he tightens his grip on minho’s shirt.
“i don’t know what to do, hyung. i’ve tried and tried to fix it, but nothing helps. i can’t do this.” minho’s hand only stills for a second before he continues carding his fingers through hyunjin’s hair.
“what happened?”
“it’s felix. hyung— i can’t stand him, hyung. i can’t. i hate him and i hate myself for it.” hyunjin hopes that minho understands him better than he understands himself, that he doesn’t start hating hyunjin too.
“what do you mean, hyunjin-ah?” minho’s voice is gentle when he speaks, it hurts hyunjin more than minho’s anger could have. he doesn’t deserve minho’s gentleness.
“i mean that i hate him. i hate how perfect he is, how kind he is, his looks, his voice, everything. i can’t be in a room with him for longer than a few minutes, and i hate when he texts me. it makes me sick to my stomach, hyung.” hyunjin pulls back from minho and roughly wipes his tears away. “like, i’m so fucking jealous of him it’s making me physically ill. it’s turning me green, hyung, can you see it? it’s— it’s so painful.”
“do you think— have you ever thought that it might not be hate, jinnie? you’ve heard that saying, haven’t you? there’s a thin line between l—“ before minho can something so stupidly ridiculous, hyunjin cuts him off.
“no, hyung, you don’t get it,” he cries. “it’s like, i want to shed him of his skin and wear it myself. i want to live inside of him, in his veins, in his heart, brain, lungs, everywhere. like, i want to throw him under everyone’s criticising eyes; at the same time i want to keep him away from it. i want to eat him whole in a way that isn’t fucking romantic. this isn’t love. this isn’t what love is supposed to feel like, hyung. this hurts. i hate him, i don’t love him.” he rubs his chest, trying to ease the burning ache, but it doesn’t work. it never does. it’s like felix decided to live inside hyunjin’s chest instead, like he’s trying eat hyunjin from the inside out.
“have you thought about why you want that? you don’t want to ‘live inside’ someone you hate, hyunjin-ah,” minho says. he takes hyunjin’s hands in his own, running his thumbs over hyunjin’s knuckles. “i get that it might feel like that because of how intense it feels. i get that it isn’t the type of… feeling you hear about, but that doesn’t make it any less. but if it really isn’t that, then maybe you should think about how you view yourself. what is it that makes you feel lesser to him, and makes you feel this way, and how do you fix it.”
silence falls over them as he lets minho’s words sink in. the realisation comes like a knife to his heart. he starts crying worse than before, holding on to minho like his life depends on it, his throat hurts with every sob.
“he’s perfect; he’s made of angel dust, and i’m scum of the earth. i’m— he’s— this hurts worse. this is worse, hyung.” hyunjin doesn’t hate felix, he isn’t jealous. he’s in love with felix and he hates himself for it. this truly is worse. “it hurts.”
of course, it’s that exact moment when jisung decides to walk in. hyunjin can only imagine what jisung might be seeing, the picture in his head makes him cry even more. felix looks pretty even when he cries, even when his nose is all snotty. hyunjin isn’t a pretty crier, he cries like a child with his bottom lip jutted out, and his whole face always swells up comically.
“hyunjinnie? what hurts? why are you crying?” jisung asks, his own waterworks already starting. if he didn’t feel so damn devastated, hyunjin would have laughed, but alas. jisung’s cries start matching his own as minho tries to comfort the both of them. “don’t cry, jinnie,” jisung burbles.
“i can’t. it hurts.” hyunjin tightens his arms around jisung. he hadn’t known love could hurt this much, or feel so cruel. had he known then he wouldn’t have wasted all his wishes and prayers asking for it. he would have looked away from felix the first time he saw him. he would have saved himself and felix from the wrath of his love. this wasn’t something either of them should have to bear.
hyunjin hadn’t noticed minho leaving nor returning with two glasses of water and a tissue box. “jisung-ah, why are you crying? you don’t even know what’s wrong.”
“yeah, but my heart hurts when hyunjin cries, hyung,” jisung hiccups, accepting the tissue minho hands him. minho doesn’t hand hyunjin one, instead he wipes hyunjin’s face himself. and he does it so gently, with so much care, that new tears immediately start welling up. minho lightly
presses the tissue in hyunjin’s eyes.
“stop crying. it’s okay. you’re okay, hyunjin-ah,” he says. “this isn’t something you can can’t fix. now that you know what’s actually wrong, you can talk to him, jinnie. you can fix this. it doesn’t have to hurt.” jisung stops crying when hyunjin does, but he doesn’t let go of hyunjin. it must be confusing to him. jisung doesn’t know anything about it. hyunjin dumbly wishes he switch positions with jisung, but that isn’t possible. of course.
“what am i even supposed to say? ‘i love you so much it made me hate you’? i can’t talk to him, hyung,” hyunjin whines. he doesn’t answer jisung’s ‘what’ and keeps his focus on his minho.
“not that obviously. but you can talk to him and you should. don’t let your feelings fester into something ugly again, hyunjinnie.”