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It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t pay attention to Buck’s body. One could argue that he paid a little too much attention to it for his own good, but laying in bed tracing over his boyfriend’s tattoos he noticed something he’d never really paid attention to before. Buck was covered in scars, little ones here and there and then the big life changing ones which spoke to unthinkable events - his body was a map of the numerous traumas he’d lived through, but this one was different. It was located on his stomach, above his belly button, a puckered almost hole, indented into his stomach, which he wasn’t sure how he’d missed before. His hands made his way down Buck’s torso, just before his fingers reached the marred area, Buck grabbed his hand rerouting it to his mouth where he planted a kiss on the back of it.
“Buck-“
“Good morning to you too Eddie”, Buck said teasingly.
“Why have I never noticed that scar before?”, Eddie questioned, voice quiet.
“Obviously not as observant as you thought you were Diaz”, Buck shot back, pressing another kiss to Eddie’s hand before swinging his legs off the bed and moving to put his sweat pants and hoodie on. “Coffee?”
Eddie nodded absent mindedly, brain still on where exactly the scar could have come from. It was old, faded in colour, but still a stark contrast from the rest of the tanned expanse of Buck’s toned midriff. Wracking his mind back over all of the times in which he’d seen the other man injured over the years, he couldn’t imagine what would have caused such a blemish. Deciding it wasn’t worth driving himself crazy over, Eddie stretched out over the bed before also rolling out and making his way to the kitchen, following the smell of the freshly brewed coffee.
-
It was later on and although he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t obsess over what he’d finally paid notice to, Eddie’s brain was in overdrive. Deciding to finally address the elephant which had taken up residence in his head, he turned to Buck.
“You would tell me if it was something important though, right? The scar, I mean. Because I-I want to know. The good and the bad, I want to know it all”, Eddie said trying to disguise the worry he knew was coating every word, wishing desperately that he wasn’t as obvious all the time when it came to Buck.
“I would, but really, it’s nothing. It’s just an old scar, it’s from years ago”
“Well then it won’t hurt to tell me…”, Eddie pushed.
Huffing in response, Buck shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. It wasn’t something he particularly wanted to ever speak to his family about, especially his boyfriend, but he supposed that there was no way around it at this point. He gave himself a moment to gather his thoughts before he bit the bullet and just let the words flow out of him.
“I mean I guess my life wasn’t always easy. Maddie gave me the jeep so I could escape but I didn’t have any money so whatever I did have went on gas to get me further away from home, so I just kind of forgot to eat at times. My parents weren’t great but there was always food around if I wanted it. I still forget to eat sometimes now. I didn’t, don’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t really a problem until it was”, Buck shrugged as though what he just told him hadn’t made Eddie’s heart squeeze uncomfortably.
“When you say it was a problem…”, Eddie prodded, wanting to know the full story.
“I think you can guess by the scar, Eds. You don’t get fed through a tube in your stomach unless it’s a real problem”, Buck said rolling his eyes, as though Eddie was being dense.
“You can’t say it just so… flippantly like that, Evan. This is serious”, Eddie replied, his voice thick.
“I know it’s serious, but it’s fine now Eddie. I wouldn’t let it get to that point again”, Buck soothed, his hand coming up to take Eddie’s hand. “It wasn’t intentional then. I was on my own for the first time, and sometimes I just forgot to eat. For days at a time. And when my body told me that I had pushed too hard again and it needed sustenance, I was at that point where I was just over being hungry. So I just slept instead, I guess not putting the right stuff in tires you out. But it’s fine, I got help, I’m better. You can see that with your own two eyes”
“Yeah but Buck, you got so bad that you needed to be hospitalised. You needed a goddamn feeding tube! How can you make this seem like it was nothing? How can I be sure that you won’t-“, Eddie stopped himself, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I’m not… I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself that I never saw this before”
“Well it’s not really something I go round advertising”, Buck cut in.
Eddie shot him a look before continuing. “Did the hospital not call anyone, your parents, Maddie?”
“I think they called my parents but they didn’t… I never mattered to them anyway and let’s face it, it was out of sight out of mind at that time. And I get it now, or I’m trying to, but they didn’t want to come across the country to see me wasting away in some hospital room in the back end of nowhere. I told the hospital to not call Maddie, she would’ve only blamed herself. Would’ve put herself in danger trying to get away from Doug to come to me”
“They knew and they didn’t-“
“Don’t, Eddie. Don’t do that. It never leads anywhere good, trust me”, Buck said bitterly.
“So Maddie still doesn’t know?”, Eddie asked after a moment.
“No. And I don’t want her to. She’s never seen any pictures from that time, I stopped sending them when I got sick. I don’t want her to know, it will break her and she’s happy. Look, far as I see it, it’s over. I got out of that hospital and I made sure to take better care of myself. I got well, Eds. Bobby doesn’t know but he’s helped immensely, the man is a mean cook, how can I forget a meal when he’s around?”, Buck tried to joke.
“But the lawsuit…”
“Yeah, ok, I slipped, alright? I mean, you saw it, but I could blame it on the PT and recovering from my injuries. But it was… it was tough. It was never about not eating just to look a certain way or something, I just… when I get sad or or stressed or something, I just don’t eat. It wasn’t like I purposely wasn’t eating but, well, maybe at the time of the lawsuit… but that was more of a- I-I could control that, I could control literal nothing else at that time but I could control that. But that’s the only time like that, I promise you”
“I-I believe you Buck”, Eddie said, sensing the urgency in the other man’s words. “I’m just such a dick for not- no. No it’s fine. Just make me a promise, ok?”, Buck nodded. “IF it gets bad again, tell me. I know you say it won’t but we can’t predict the future. Promise me you’ll come to me. We’ll get you help, you won’t be wasting away in a hospital bed alone again, we won’t let it get that far. Nobody else needs to know, just promise me that”
Buck moved to sit next to Eddie, his arm snaking around his shoulders and squeezing just the wrong side of uncomfortable. Any other time Eddie would’ve complained or tried to bat the other man away, but after what he’d learned, he was just grateful to feel Buck, strong sturdy and here.
-
Ever since Eddie had found out about Buck’s past, he’d been more and more focussed on making sure Buck was eating. It had started sweet, his boyfriend bringing him cookies and snacks throughout the day, always making sure he had something to snack on should he need it, but now it was getting too much. Eddie had been sat right there next to him at lunch. He had seen him eat enough of Bobby’s chilli for two people, and yet here he was waving a plate of muffins in his face like he hadn’t eaten a single thing all day. Hell, they’d even had breakfast together before they left for work that morning! He’d been trying to give Eddie time to digest what he’d learnt, but there was giving time and then there was allowing him to treat him like he was some fragile child who would purposely put himself back in hospital. After twenty minutes of incessant badgering, Buck was on his last nerve.
“Just take one”, Eddie pleaded, once again shoving the plate with Bobby’s chocolate muffins on in Buck’s face.
“You are suffocating me Eddie!”, Buck shouted, jumping up from his seat and rounding on his boyfriend who was stood there with his mouth hanging open and plate of muffins still in his hands. “I have eaten today ok? You were there! For both of the meals! Stop trying to overcorrect, I told you that it was years ago and that I am fine now and that I don’t want you to- is this all you see of me now? Poor sick little Evan? Incase you haven’t noticed, I’m bigger than you are! I’m fine Eddie! I’ve already promised you that you’ll be the first to know if that changes, just stop smothering me”
“Boys maybe we should-“, Bobby tried to broker a peace between the two.
“No Bobby! No, I just- I can’t”, Buck said taking off for the stairs, descending them two at at time to get away from the tension upstairs caused by him and Eddie.
“Do you want to tell me what that was all about?”, Bobby asked turning to Eddie who was still stood gaping like a fish.
Eddie shook his head, finally putting the plate down on the table in front of him and stepping to move toward the stairs to chase after Buck. Before he could make his way around the table Bobby stepped forward putting a hand on Eddie’s chest to stop him getting any further.
“I may not know what that was about, but give him a minute, he seemed upset”, Bobby said, hand remaining on Eddie’s chest as the younger firefighter moved to step around him again. “I’ve know Buck for a long time, sometimes you need to let him work it out himself”
“Maybe being alone is the problem”, Eddie mutter, shaking Bobby’s hand off and skulking away to the sofa, making sure he had a clear view of the stairs should Buck return.
-
That night when they were on their way home, Buck was still hiding behind his stony wall of silence in the car as Eddie tried to make small talk about their day. As soon as the car pulled up, Buck got out, flinging his door open and making his way toward the house, going straight to the spare bedroom where his boxes from his apartment were still waiting to be sorted. Hesitantly following him into the house, Eddie hovered in the doorway, watching as the blond man located the box he was looking for and the book therein which was his target.
Walking over toward Eddie, Buck motioned for Eddie to follow him to the living room. Both men sat on the sofa and Buck handed the book over to Eddie.
“This is everything from the time I was in the hospital. Everything. Hopefully it’ll put your mind at ease. I get why you’re worrying Eddie, but it’s making me feel like you don’t trust me anymore”, Buck said sadly. “I’ll tell you anything you want, I just need for you to believe me when I tell you that I am doing well. Mostly thanks to you. But I am not in that place anymore”
“Why did you have a gastronomy tube rather than an NG tube?”, Eddie asked, seizing the opportunity to learn more.
“I couldn’t deal with the NG tube”, Buck said simply. “Every-time they tried to place it, I would panic as I could feel it entering and they couldn’t get the placing right. So although it was riskier, we decided that the gastronomy was a better shout. I mean it involved a little procedure but it was just better for me. Plus, it worked quicker”
“How long did you have it for, or is guess, how long until you were well enough to have it removed?”
“It took a good few months, I was pretty sick even if it took me a moment to realise it. When you think you have to prove yourself, when you keep going and you don’t take care of yourself, it’s hard to see that you need help. And I’m not-I’m not ashamed that I needed that help, which is why I’m sharing this with you, and why I documented it, to remind myself that asking for help is good. It saved my life”
Eddie nodded, running his fingers over the front of the dark blue book Buck had dropped into his lap. He knew what he was going to see inside was going to hurt, but without what happened in this book, he wouldn’t have the loving, caring man sat next to him right now. Steeling himself, he turned the cover, opening it to a picture of a painfully thin, much younger Buck in a hospital robe in a bed taking up a shockingly small amount of space.
He couldn’t have been more than 19 or 20, but it was really hard to tell with how emaciated he was. His cheekbones were so prominent that they looked as though they were about to cut through his pale skin. His curly hair was overgrown to how it was now, but thin. The lack of nutrition in his body clearly attacking all parts of his physique. But what struck Eddie the most was that as sick as he looked, Buck still looked happy. That there was still life in his striking blue eyes and he had the same wide smile on his face that Eddie knew and loved.
“You look so happy”, Eddie said, finger swiping down the side of the picture, his voice soft.
“I told you Eddie, it was never about not eating for any particular reason. I was just focussed on running as far as I could. And I was happy, not that I was in hospital but because I’d gotten out of that house and I was free. Or well, as free anyone stuck in a hospital bed with a tube in their stomach could be. It’s just that I forgot to eat, and I know you might not get that, but interception has never been one of my strong suits”, Buck replied, the harsh edge his voice had taken all day had dropped as Eddie seemed to finally be understanding.
“If you didn’t realise how sick you were, how did you end up in the hospital?”
“I was working a construction job just to make ends meet, and it must have been a while since I’d eaten anything, and I passed out. My boss, called an ambulance and came with me to hospital. He was kind of like Bobby really, only shorter and fatter and with a lot less hair”, Buck smiled to himself as he thought back on his old friend. “I’m fairly sure if I wasn’t in a hospital bed he would’ve slapped me round the head for not looking after myself. He still checks in now. He was a godsend when I got out of there, made sure I still had a job to go back to, got his wife to make me lunch everyday so he could make sure I was actually eating and not lying to him. He genuinely saved my life”
“I’m glad you had someone. Even if your parents were completely useless, I’m happy you had someone looking out for you”, Eddie leaned his head on Buck’s shoulder, eyes still looking over the photos in the album on his lap. “How long were you in there for?”
“Five and half, six months? It took a while”
Eddie continued flicking through the pages of the book, feeling the smile on his face grow wider as with each turned page, Buck got visibly healthier. The last page was a picture of him at work on what looked like a construction site, his grin the same as what he would adopt when he felt a rescue had gone well. Buck was younger in the picture but still the man that Eddie loved, a stark contrast to how he looked at the start of this little scrapbook. Clumsily taped to the opposite page was what looked like his discharge letter from the hospital. Pride swelled in Eddie’s chest as he realised just how far Buck had come.
“That is the same picture I sent to Maddie, I-I think she got it. Or at least I think I saw it in the box she has at home, she just doesn’t realise the significance of it”, Buck said quietly, taking the book from Eddie and looking closely at the image of himself.
Eddie snuggled closer to Buck, both of them lost in their thoughts about their conversation, the smiling face staring up at them.