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Will is Jonathan's best friend. Even if he doesn't reciprocate the sentiment, it has always been that way since they were young, and now even when they’re fully grown. There’s something sad about that, Jonathan supposes. But it’s completely true. After everything they’ve been through together, there is nothing anyone can say to dissuade Jonathan from that position– that his brother is also his best friend.
But Jonathan doesn’t really know how true that is anymore.
For a couple of months after Jonathan and Steve got together, it was easy. Even the bad days seemed easy in those moments, honeymoon period, and all that. It was some of the best days of Jonathan’s life. They didn’t tell anybody except Nancy and Robin, because it would be criminal not to. No one else knew, and there was just them, the spring sunshine and the kisses and hugs that managed to be even warmer than the sun. Those were some of the best days Jonathan had ever had, waking up next to Steve and gently starting their day together. He was sleeping more too, something he never thought was possible after all these years.
But soon enough, the real world settled in around them gradually, the soft heady haze of being in a new– secret– relationship fading away in place for new anxieties and problems. On the spectrum of things he is now worried about, there was Steve’s penchant for pet names on one end. The man is generous with them– far too much, in Jonathan’s opinion. He would casually drop a ‘sweetheart’ while asking for the ranch. There’s almost always a ‘darling’ at the end of his sticky notes now. And during moments of intimacy, he would say ‘baby’ in the most devotional way that knocks Jonathan’s breath out of him. Jonathan thought it was a joke at first, all these different pet names, but Steve is deadly serious. The only problem with that is now that Steve has a taste for it, he can’t seem to stop even when they’re outside. The anonymity that Chicago has granted them makes it easier for both of them, but Jonathan still puts a stop to Steve’s pet names when he can in public. As far as new problems go though, that was one that managed to stir up butterflies in his stomach pleasantly whenever it happened before the panic swiftly kicked in.
On the other end of the spectrum, there is his family. Joyce has started asking him about his love life again, something she comes around to about once a year, but now she’s even more persistent. Apparently, Jonathan has been sounding more jovial and relaxed over the phone, like only someone in love can be. Will has also begun prying, albeit not so nosily, just out of curiosity. Even El, who has never once expressed an interest in who Jonathan dates, is now bringing up date ideas on her calls with him. Jonathan is almost positive it’s a three-pronged approach from his family to find out who he is dating. He just feels lucky Hopper isn’t in on it too.
Before that fateful night in the spring, Jonathan had no problems dismissing any kind of interest in his dating life. There was no dating life to discuss, after all. But now that there is something tangible, something so incredibly real in his hands, something this new and precious, he feels protective of it. So much so that Steve had to convince him that Nancy and Robin should know, but if Jonathan had his way, they would also be in the dark for a lot longer. It’s emblematic of everything Jonathan has been dreading about relationships– a big reason he had struggled to date anyone after Nancy, not just because of his growing feelings for Steve. Trust issues, Murray’s voice rang in his head from time to time. That man can be annoying, but god damn if he didn’t hit the nail on the head when he saw Jonathan for the first time. And years later, practically nothing has changed; he has just gained more issues than the magazine he works at.
So he really didn’t want to tell his family anything, not because he was afraid of their reaction, but for fear that once he brings their relationship into the foreground and mixes it with his family, everything is going to come crashing down like a flimsy house of cards. He loves Steve, but he loves his family too, and he doesn't want to ruin either one of them. Not after last time.
When he expressed his concerns to Steve, it was clear that he didn’t really understand where Jonathan was coming from. He listened intently and offered some well-meaning insight into his own coming to terms with his sexuality and their new combined existence as a couple. But that was the extent to which they agreed with each other. Jonathan thought he was justified in having doubts about sharing their relationship with a family as involved as his. Steve said he would kill for a family as supportive and loving as Jonathan’s and that he didn’t understand why Jonathan didn’t accept that privilege and instead chose to fret over things that don’t even matter. Jonathan shot back that his fear and anxiety were very much real and warranted, and that Steve was being naïve. Steve only knew about the Joyce Byers who moved mountains and literally slayed monsters to bring her son back. He didn’t know about the mom Jonathan knew– who was generous in her love but not in her actions. The mom who would spend days lost in her own head, frozen, before she realized that they were still there, not going anywhere. It was their first real fight as a couple, ending in a crescendo with Steve accusing Jonathan of being ashamed of him, and… well, that couldn’t be further from the truth if Steve tried. There was more chance of Jonathan becoming a hardline mayor of a small town than him being ashamed of Steve. But they were both frustrated and fueled with adrenaline that only a good verbal altercation can give, and there was nothing Jonathan could have said to convince Steve that it wasn’t him. Besides, when you’re both the same strain of fucked up, it’s hard to listen to reason and easier to get lost in the realities you have painted for yourselves, however wrong they may be.
They went to bed in their respective bedrooms that night, the first time they had done so since the beginning of their relationship. Jonathan didn’t sleep a
wink that night, mulling over everything they said to each other and finding a way to make things right. He knew he was being too stubborn, too stuck in his own head. It’s always the case with him; he pushes and pushes until the wall pushes back, and only then, he learns his lesson.
The next morning, Jonathan sat them both down and calmly explained to Steve that he was one of the only bright spots in his rather disappointingly eventful life and that he could never be ashamed of him or their relationship. Steve listened as he recounted his breakup with Nancy and finally revealed parts of it that he never had before; how their financial situations were a big part of it, how Nancy didn’t quite understand the extent to which he cared so little about himself but gave so much to his family, the lack of freedom he had in his own life decisions that opposed everything Nancy stands for. It’s funny, the relief he felt when he finally let it all out and Steve nodded along, understanding. If someone in his family didn’t approve of Steve or a problem arose between them, Jonathan didn’t know what to do. Jonathan doesn’t want to have to put one thing in front of the other again.
But Steve, who has made Jonathan question time and time again why he would stick around with him, only apologized for his assumptions and kissed him with so much understanding that it made Jonathan almost cry, consumed by the sheer overwhelming nature of love. Then he intertwined their hands together and agreed that they would wait until Jonathan felt comfortable.
That very evening, Will called to let them know that he was visiting them in Chicago before he heads off to college on the West Coast with Mike. The timing seems so conveniently designed to make Jonathan panic that he thinks the universe is mocking him. But he didn’t have the strength to hide anymore, not after putting Steve through another one of his breakdowns so he agreed. When Jonathan told Steve that he would let Will know about their relationship on his trip, he asked if Jonathan was sure. And there is nothing that could have prepared Jonathan for this but after countless days and months of irrational paranoia, he could see everything so clearly. He had been focusing on the past so much that it was ruining his present. After everything and the talk with Steve, he could only say ‘fuck it’ and let it happen.
“You will spend time with Will, you guys will be back to your old ways in no time.” Steve had told him conclusively in bed that night, playing with Jonathan’s hair as he rested his head on Steve’s chest. “And you’re gonna have a lot of fun. Then when you tell him about us, he’s going to be happy for us, and we’ll be okay. I promise.”
He said it so sincerely that Jonathan believed him and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Jonathan saw Castle Byers in his dreams, stood in a quiet corner of the woods with golden leaves fluttering and spiraling to the earth. It was eerily quiet and it looked smaller than Jonathan remembered. It was just like when Jonathan and Will first built it, and Jonathan woke up perplexed. He hadn’t thought about Castle Byers in years, not since they moved to California, but the dream had brought up past memories indelibly printed on his brain of all the fun things they got up to there. Castle Byers used to be their safe space, where they could go to forget about their lives for a while– but it was gone when Jonathan needed it the most.
Will told Jonathan that he destroyed Castle Byers one afternoon while they were beginning to pack their belongings to move to California. It was a warm day, and Jonathan was in the process of reminiscing on all the fun times he had had in the woods behind their house when Will joined him. They were walking together towards where Castle Byers once stood when Will mentioned that it had been torn down off-handedly. Jonathan had completely stopped in his tracks, demanding an explanation. His voice may have trembled more than he wanted it to. Will had been surprised by Jonathan’s reaction, shrugging and saying that he was becoming older and didn’t want a childish hideout anymore. Upset, Jonathan had gone over to see the damage while Will followed behind, confused as to why Jonathan was making such a big deal out of it.
Castle Byers was just as important to Jonathan as it was to Will. It was more than just a play area. It was the first haven he had in the absence of Lonnie. It was a symbol of their resilience, that they were going to be fine even without their asshole of a father. It was emblematic of what Will meant to him, that they would spend all night in the rain just so Will would feel safe in his distractions. He still remembers the crunch of the leaves underneath his jeans as he knelt beside their destroyed castle, picking up the ruined sign. A tiny shard of Jonathan’s heart was left behind on that bed of leaves that day. In many ways, it was a microcosm of everything that was happening to them as brothers. Will was indeed growing older, and their dynamic was changing. He was no longer the young boy who needed Jonathan’s help to order ice cream anymore. And that hurt Jonathan significantly more than he thought it would. Their innocent childhood slipping away from his fingers one day at a time before a final blow in the rainstorm and an argument.
Initially, Will didn’t understand, but soon it seemed like the significance of the situation was weighing down on him as well, and he and Jonathan both just sat there out in the woods silently in their own melancholy as the clouds passed by inch by inch, almost reveling in their loss. Jonathan and Will became closer for a while after that before everything went to shit and they almost died yet again. When they emerged on the other end, bruised but not broken, Will looked inward and forward, while Jonathan chose to push everything into the far recesses of his mind until it imploded in a storm. There are times that Jonathan wishes Castle Byers still existed if only to serve as the last remaining fragment of their childhood, the only place not corrupted by the darkness that ran in their soul.
Today, Jonathan is supposed to pick Will up from the airport. He feels really shitty that he’s had mixed feelings about Will’s visit, but thinking about it stirs up a familiar but new discomfort in his stomach that cannot be quelled even by his boyfriend. It’s a weird feeling because he has never felt that way before around his family. Even at his lowest ebb, he felt comfortable around Will. Apart from Steve, Will is the only one Jonathan feels closest to, comforting him with his presence like only brothers can. But when he moved away, their bond also unraveled a bit, the thread getting looser with every other missed phone call and correspondence. Their relationship has been kind of weird, to say the least, in the last couple of years. Will is… everything Jonathan is not, in all the good ways. He has always been more optimistic, kind, and resilient. He could see the good in things, even when it wasn’t warranted.
Jonathan has stopped calling him as frequently, waiting for Will to call first. He hasn’t seen him since last Christmas and it has been a lot longer than that since they have spent time together, just the two of them. He didn’t even go to Will and El’s graduation ceremony in May because he didn’t feel ready to see them. He made up some excuse about being slammed with work that week and felt his heart shatter at the disappointed tone in Will’s voice. The thought of facing him now, in the wake of his new relationship with Steve that he needs to tell Will about, terrifies Jonathan to no end. But he has to do this because he has vowed to be a better brother, a better person– even if he is not quite sure how to get there.
He has made a lot of mistakes in his life when it comes to Will, from the very night that divided his life into ‘before the Upside Down’ and ‘after the Upside Down’, to all the times he had failed to see when his brother was hurting. But it’s never too late to start again, Steve tells him. Maybe it’s just spending time with him again or letting him know that you’re kind of gay too. Baby steps.
Now, as Jonathan sees the form of his younger brother headed towards him from across the airport, he momentarily forgets to move, yet again struck by how much time has passed. There is something about the way time moves that never fails to punch Jonathan where it hurts. He doesn’t think he can wrap his head around it any time soon, even after all the books he’s read that deal with time. Billy Pilgrim has nothing on him. Unstuck in time . That’s what Jonathan is feeling now as he is transported back to when they were both young enough to still view the world through eyes full of wonder and awe, while another part of him feels like he’s getting an exclusive preview of what’s to come, where Jonathan will be waiting once again for Will at O’Hare when they are both too old to be standing straight without a cane. It’s unsettling.
However, his reeling thoughts are cut short by the comforting familiarity that courses through him as Will pulls him in for a hug. He smiles absentmindedly, patting Will’s back before holding his shoulders and looking at his face carefully. He carries himself with a quiet confidence that others mistake for shyness, the kind that Jonathan faked all throughout high school, only more genuine. Will has really grown out of his shell after coming out, more sure of himself than Jonathan can ever be. It’s a miracle Will has turned out this… functional after everything. Granted, he still has his own catalog of issues, but he doesn’t seem to have that predisposition for self-hate that runs in their family.
“Hey,” he greets Will warmly. “How has your hug become stronger since Christmas?”
Will laughs and shakes his head. “And you still look like you should be in a Pixies cover band somewhere.”
Just like that, no time has passed between them and Jonathan’s worries melt away in a pool of iridescent goo.
Steve is waiting for them at the apartment and they give Will a tour around their home, as Steve puts it. Hearing the apartment referred to as home never fails to swaddle Jonathan in how comforting and right it feels, even though you won’t find Jonathan’s name on the lease. Jonathan and Steve had talked beforehand that they needed to act like they were not totally smitten about each other until Jonathan decided when to break the news, so there is only a friendly pat on Jonathan’s back as they move through the rooms and Steve makes a crack about Jonathan’s untidiness. In reality, Steve’s room is only pristinely clean because he hasn’t been in there at all, but Will doesn’t need to know that.
Will raises an eyebrow at their impressive record collection and ‘ooh’s and ‘ah’s at the ones he likes. Jonathan can’t help but grin; some things will always be the same. Will lights up when they tell him he’s free to take anything he wants home, and in return, they get a painting of a landscape from one of Will’s fantasy kingdoms in D&D that he brought as a surprise. Jonathan puts it up on the shelf among the little knickknacks they have collected over the years. Steve clasps Will’s shoulder and tells him he’s proud of him, and the gesture makes another wave of emotion surge in Jonathan that he keeps down.
Dinner goes well enough; Steve made his signature pasta and the chocolate cake he got for dessert from the nearby bakery is delicious enough that it provides conversation fodder for a while. But Jonathan can feel the unacknowledged tension in the room, the line in Steve’s back rigid rather than relaxed, the way Will keeps darting his eyes from him to Steve. Jonathan can feel his nervous energy wafting off of him and knows that Will can see right through his casually composed demeanor. Steve is nervous too, Jonathan can tell, and he probably wants Jonathan to come out with it already.
“You know, I’ve been worried about Jonathan,” Will says to Steve later, as they are drinking their obligatory coffee. They have already exhausted every topic possible, from Will’s latest artworks to the furniture in their apartment to even the beaches on Lake Michigan. “He always says he’s fine, and he sounds happier but he’s been pretty cagey with us recently and I just worry.”
“Will– ” Jonathan starts, embarrassed. It’s never good to hear to from a younger brother that he is worried about you.
“I think this is good for him… for you guys,” he continues and gives Steve a smile like Jonathan is not there in the room with them. Steve, to his credit, at least knows how to function like a normal human being between the two of them, so he smiles back and nods. But Jonathan can see the confused panic behind his eyes too as he looks at Jonathan in anticipation. Will is now looking at them both, lips pursed curiously, and Steve’s eyes shift away.
Jesus Christ . He’s going to have to save Steve from this. Might as well rip the bandage off and do it now instead of waiting till the end of the trip. He sets his mug down gingerly on the table. “Will, I was gonna say… Steve and I– you know we’ve been friends for a while and I’ve been living with him, but we aren’t just friends… it’s more like, we’re…” Jonathan trails off, hands playing with the hem of his shirt, not knowing how to finish the sentence without feeling like dumping his head under icy cold water.
“Jon–” Steve interrupts, looking right at Will.
“What?”
“He knows.”
“I know.”
Jonathan looks between Steve and Will, befuddled, but there’s nothing but amused fondness in their eyes as they share a knowing look.
“Come on, Jonathan. I have eyes,” Will says with a laugh, looking relieved. “I wasn’t gonna say anything but literally nothing about this apartment says you two are just roommates. Steve’s room looks like there hasn’t been anyone in it for weeks. I mean, the last vinyl on your record player is literally Kenny Loggins. You’re telling me you would willingly listen to him and not just because you like someone?”
Jonathan blushes and ducks his head, a confirmation if anything. Steve takes that moment to put his hand over Jonathan’s and Will’s eyes follow the gesture. He gives them a smile as every nerve sings in Jonathan’s body, bracing for an impact that never comes. Will’s eyes crinkle with warmth. “So you are dating. That’s really nice, guys. Congratulations.”
Jonathan’s lips feel like they have been sealed with superglue, too overwhelmed with everything happening, and he looks at Steve for help. Steve’s eyes also betray his emotions but he joins their hands and says, “Yeah, we officially started dating a few months ago but we’ve apparently been dating for a lot longer than that, according to one of Jonathan’s dates.”
Will lets out an incredulous laugh. “Wait, what?!”
That fond tickled laugh, one that he has heard countless times in his life, finally loosens Jonathan’s tongue, and he grins sheepishly. Will listens to Steve recounting the past few years and how they only came to the realization that they liked each other a few months ago with his eyes trained on Jonathan, saying so many things with just an expression. Intrigued but tainted with a shade of hurt. How come you never told me? Equal measures of amused and confused. Steve, really? But above all, there is just nothing but pure love and understanding on Will’s face, and it makes Jonathan want to crumble.
Jonathan inhales and reaches across the table to squeeze Will’s hand. “It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you… well, I didn’t at first but it’s not because of you, I was just being scared and didn’t want to ruin things between us.”
“I know, it’s okay,” Will replies, still smiling.
“It’s not though, I probably should have been more open to you about it… my sexuality, my personal life… I haven’t been the best brother lately.”
That erases the easy smile off Will’s face and he puts his other hand on top of Jonathan’s. “No, you don’t really think that. You don’t owe me any explanation if you don’t want to, okay? I know how hard it can be… to accept yourself and stop being ashamed. The world really doesn’t make it easy. It’s like you said when I came out, just the fact that you trust me with this is an honor, and I’m just happy to be supportive.”
“I know,” Jonathan smiles ruefully. “I really need to start listening to my own advice more.”
“Yeah,” Will agrees, “I was already a wreck even before telling you, but what you said about how the world takes another step towards the right path every time a person decides to live their authentic selves really got me. You just gotta find those words again for yourself.”
“I know,” Jonathan sighs and sneaks a glance at Steve, who has been quiet for a while. He’s gone rigid again the moment Will brought up feeling ashamed, and looking like he wants to be anywhere but here.
“Do you have anywhere you really want to go during your week here? We won’t be able to hit everything but it’s good to have a plan,” Jonathan prompts, sensing that Steve is probably not comfortable listening to Jonathan and Will’s personal conversation. Steve shoots him a subtle smile and squeezes his thigh underneath the table in thanks for the diversion.
“You know, I really want to go to the Art Institute,” Will tells them, letting the conversation shift, undoubtedly sensing Steve’s uneasiness. Jonathan is grateful for that, and the conversation flows for a while, albeit a bit staccato.
When Jonathan excuses himself to their bedroom for a smoke break, Will follows too, holding his fingers out in an all too familiar gesture. Jonathan shakes his head; he had really hoped that the smoking habit wouldn’t trickle down to Will. But then again, everyone has their vices. Will, more than anyone else, after everything he’s been through, deserves a little slack.
“You shouldn’t be smoking,” Jonathan tries, but he knows his words hold no weight.
“I know,” Will says, nonchalant. “I only do it with you, Mike doesn’t like it.”
Jonathan still doesn’t know how he feels about Mike. He has a certain amount of respect for him– that’s undeniable– but apart from that, all that truly has left an impression on him are the times he had made Will feel shitty. Jonathan recalls multiple instances in California when the letter rolled in from Mike to El but nothing for Will. And that agonizing car ride when Will was basically pouring his heart out to Mike only for it to fall on deaf ears. It took everything in Jonathan’s willpower not to shake Mike by the shoulders and yell at him to stop being so oblivious. Mike has grown up, of course, but the protective streak in Jonathan is still wary. That’s his problem, he supposes, not Will’s, so he keeps his tongue and only hands the lighter to Will.
“So, Steve, huh?” Will says with that teasing tone Jonathan has heard all his life after he lights his cigarette. He bites the inside of his cheek and glares at Will. “No, I’m not laughing! I think you guys look great together, it’s just pretty funny.”
“Am I being crazy?”
“No crazier than what any of us have seen.”
Jonathan swallows. “No, I know but seriously. This is pretty crazy, right? I know how it looks. He was a grade-A asshole for about half the time I knew him, and the other half, we were caught in a middle of a love triangle that wasn’t going anywhere. And now he’s my boyfriend.”
“I don’t know, Jonathan. I’m dating the ex of my half-sister, and our mom is now married to the guy who used to bully one of her other exes that died horribly. We’re in no way qualified to judge what’s weird.”
Jonathan snorts and mutters, “Touché.”
“Do you know how you look at Steve?”
Jonathan frowns. He wasn’t aware he was looking at Steve in a particular way. “No…?”
“It’s kind of intense, like you’re the Terminator but more wholesome. Like if the Terminator was in love with Sarah Connor. It’s how I figured you guys out, by the way, more than the rooms and the music.”
Jonathan swallows and exhales. That’s news. He’s going to have to talk to Steve about it.
“Hey, so feel free to tell me to fuck off, but is it just Steve, or do you like guys in general?” Will asks like it just occurred to him.
Well, that’s a question Jonathan didn’t see coming. But it’s a valid question. Jonathan would ask that too if his supportive brother whom he thought his entire life was straight starts dating a man. Jonathan furrows his brows, thinking of how to put it eloquently– he can do this, he’s read some reading on queer issues. It’s not like Steve was some awakening that he had while he was moving on from a relationship. He’s always found some men attractive, but not in a way that he wanted to actively pursue them. Until Steve. With Steve, though, it transcended the aesthetics and the physical attraction; it reached deep into his soul and threatened to rip his insides apart with desire and longing. But in the end, what comes out of his mouth is, “Well, I’ve always thought Bowie’s hot.”
Will raises his eyebrows. He probably wasn’t expecting that answer. “Well yeah, of course Bowie’s hot, but what about Nancy?”
“Well, I never said I don’t like women either. Why do you think I went on dates with the one Steve mentioned earlier?”
Will waves his cigarette animatedly, “I don’t know, I thought you were repressing something.”
Jonathan laughs. “No, no. I am what you would call bisexual, I guess.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Will smiles. “Does that mean we can all go to the gay bars here? I’ve never been to one before and I know there’s some right around here.”
Jonathan coughs out his smoke in shock. Will, his brother, in a gay bar with him. The same one he helped tie his shoes for school when they were kids. That is not what Jonathan had in mind when he was planning to spend more time bonding with Will. “No, that’s not happening. You can go to one by yourself when you’re out west, but you’re definitely not going to any bars– gay or otherwise– when you’re with me. Especially when you’re not even 21 yet.”
Will pouts. “Party pooper… fine, I’ll just ask Steve then.”
Jonathan glares at Will, seriously this time. Of course he is fully aware that Steve will say yes to any request Will has to get in his good graces while he’s dating Jonathan. Will only smiles back innocently, like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. But then again, maybe it would be nice for Will to be with his community, even if it’s in a setting Jonathan has never envisioned him in. So he lets his guard down and remembers to make Steve go with Will and make sure he’s safe at all times if Will asks him.
“Do you love him?” Will sounds more serious now. Jonathan sits in the question for a moment and inhales sharply.
Love; there were times Jonathan didn’t even think that really existed. It seems to have only existed in fairytales and make-believe stories, but then he face-planted into it with the grace of a giraffe on a tightrope for someone fathoms better than him, and fell out of it with that same lack of tact. This time around though, it’s almost as if he floated into love subconsciously, or waddled to it underwater. He was fine at first, but then when he looked around, he realized he was entirely surrounded by that feeling, that surreal impossible glowing mist that never went away until he was brave enough to confront it. But now, adorned with all the bloody lessons and the long-lasting scars of the last time, he is finally ready to open himself up to this messy, overwhelming, whirlwind of a thing called love. And to Steve. Jonathan huffs and sighs, envisioning Steve humming his songs as he clears the dining table. They still have a long way to go, but for now, all Jonathan can come up with when he thinks about Steve is nothing but that love. When he turns back to say the words that he has never said to anyone but Steve, his eyes are glassy.
“Yeah, I really do,” he confesses quietly, blowing another bout of smoke out of the window and looking up. And if Will hears the sheer emotion in his voice and notices the shine in his eyes, so be it. Jonathan’s spent far too long hiding his emotions. Not anymore. “It’s… so easy with him. I love Nancy, but there was always this gap between us that I never knew how to close. Not then. But now, I feel like we actually have a chance.”
Will smiles softly.
“You look– lighter. Like the past isn’t weighing on you that much anymore. It’s a nice look on you,” he remarks, and Jonathan’s lips quirk up. It’s in these moments that Jonathan remembers again that Will has truly grown up, and is far more intelligent than he has any right to be. “You have that spark in your eyes again.”
Jonathan ducks his head, partly embarrassed. “Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the older brother here. How come you’re the one giving me wisdom?”
Will nudges Jonathan and laughs. “You’ve done plenty of brothering in your time. Now it’s my turn.”
“And you’re already doing a better job than me.”
“You know what? This confirms a long-running theory that I’ve had for a while now.”
Jonathan hums.
“I don’t think I believe in love at first sight, but I definitely think that the longer you know someone, the easier it is to love them. Like spending time with someone, living with them, you’re bound to fall in love little by little. Look at you and Steve, there was no love between you when you first met, but then familiarity breeds attraction… and bam– here you guys are. No one would have seen it coming.”
“You mean like Stockholm Syndrome?” Jonathan asks. This time, Will nudges him harder.
“That’s one way of looking at it, but sure. It’s sort of like a better, more adorable Stockholm Syndrome,” he concedes.
Jonathan smiles, freer than he has been all day. Putting out his cigarette halfway through, he lets his shoulder touch Will’s. The biggest hurdle might be over, but there is still one wrong he needs to right, and he takes a deep breath.
“Will, there’s something else I need to tell you. I know you’re kind of mad at me for not being there for your graduation… and I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I really am.”
Will opens his mouth to say something but Jonathan raises his hand. “No, I know you’re going to say it’s fine. But it’s really not. I should have been there. It was just way too soon after Steve and I got together and I didn’t want anyone to know yet so I made up some dumb excuse. You didn’t buy that for a second, did you?”
Will shakes his head. “No, I knew something was wrong, that’s why I was worried. I didn’t think it had to do with a relationship crisis though.”
Jonathan crosses his arms on the windowsill. “Yeah, I was honestly panicking because saying it out loud and telling someone would make it too real, and I was afraid everything was going to end right then. And now look, I’ve told someone and the world is still turning. Fucking stupid.”
Will puts a comforting hand on one of Jonathan’s crossed arms. “No, I don’t think it’s stupid. Trust me, I know about doubting your choices and tricking yourself into thinking you don’t deserve good things. And you deserve good things… like Steve.”
“What do you think Mom’s gonna say? Both of her sons dating men?” Jonathan changes the subject because if he keeps talking about his emotions, the tears are going to start flowing and he doesn’t want to do that, not tonight.
Will shrugs, like it’s not even something that has crossed his mind. “Who cares what Mom thinks? It’s not up to her, or anyone for that matter, who we date.”
“How are you so much cooler than me?” Jonathan voices, only mildly surprised.
“Come on, Jonathan, you’ve never been cool.”
“Ouch.” Jonathan gives Will his own nudge and he grins devilishly, putting out his cigarette too.
They stand there for a moment, taking in the nightlife as it slowly slinks by beneath them. Jonathan has truly missed this; just being there with his brother. It’s always been Jonathan and Will, and he wouldn’t give it up for the world. It’s almost impossible to think that there was a period when they were hiding things from each other, but it all seems like a ghost story now.
“I wish Dad could see us now. He’d probably have a heart attack on the spot,” Will says out of the blue.
Jonathan laughs loudly at that. Two brothers, both in respective relationships with a man, both creatives, and both equally critical of their country and its government. He can picture Lonnie’s scowl, and this time, instead of feeling angry or frustrated, he feels free. When he was younger, he desperately wished that Lonnie would love him, but now, he’s happier than he has ever been, with all the love he could have asked for. He doesn’t need him anymore. He does wonder what it would be like to meet him now, to show him the man Jonathan has become, all the invisible scars and the flowers that have blossomed from them. But then again, Jonathan knows that Lonnie probably doesn’t give a shit about them, not any more than he ever did when he was around.
“He reached out to us once, you know?”
Jonathan’s blood runs cold. “What? When?”
“After everything… wanted to know what the hell we were still doing in Hawkins. Wanted us to come out to Indy. Mom chewed him out, of course, but I don’t know, it was almost like he cared about us.”
Now that’s funny. Jonathan snorts, “Yeah, right. How come I never knew about it?”
“Mom didn’t want you to have more on your plate than you already did. It was when you were having a hard time, and it wasn’t anything important.”
Jonathan understands that Will has a different relationship with Lonnie than him. Will was much younger when Lonnie left them, and it was always in his nature that he would make excuses for his father when he didn’t show. Jonathan was old enough– or fucked up enough– to know better, so he’s had nothing but disdain for the man. For Will’s sake, Jonathan sometimes wishes for an opportunity for closure between them, knowing that it will never happen. But that’s just the way life is sometimes.
“Look, about Steve… I won’t tell Mom. I won’t even tell El. I know you’ll tell them when you’re ready, but you just have to know that we love you, okay? We just want you to be happy. And it looks like you are happy… with him. That’s all that matters,” Will tells Jonathan as faint music reaches their ears and they turn back towards the apartment.
“Thanks, Will,” Jonathan says sincerely and wraps his arm around Will’s shoulders. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Jonathan.”
They are going to have the best week ever.
When Jonathan and Will return to the living room, Steve has switched out the record from Kenny Loggins to Talking Heads, to their delight. They continue their conversation from before about the places Will wants to visit in Chicago and Steve also raises an eyebrow at Will’s request to go to a gay bar, which gives Jonathan the validation he needs. And listening to Will and Steve get into yet another pointless but entertaining argument about hotdogs, Jonathan fading into the background with only Steve’s comforting hand in his to ground him, he suddenly recalls that image of Castle Byers in the woods once again. He can never get that– or his childlike innocence– back but maybe this can be his new haven. Somewhere he can feel safe with some of the same people as before and some new, a bit bigger and less cramped, with music playing that he may not have chosen but has grown to love, and memories that will replace the ones he had in Castle Byers.
Tomorrow will bring tomorrow’s problems and joys and worries and fulfillments but for now, spending the better part of the night with his brother and boyfriend, this is really where he wants to be.