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It had only been ten minutes since HueningKai came out of the dressing room looking like that and Soobin could already feel his knees getting weak.
It was not fair.
They were leaving the building and quickly heading to the car that was taking them to the AMAs. Soobin positioned himself beside Beomgyu hoping to suddenly become invisible. It wasn't even summer but the air felt thick and warm. A little too warm for his liking. He was wearing a plain dark suit that made his blonde hair stand out. He looked handsome. He knew. He saw the way the stylists and protocol team were looking at him. He saw the way Yeonjun bit his lip and winked at him as his way of hyping him up. He was slim and tall and the vampire-like makeup fit him. Nevertheless, it didn't matter because he was nowhere near as close as looking like HueningKai.
He only looked at him twice before realizing how hard the night was going to be. It was enough to notice that the maknae was wearing a blouse, with a lace at the front, leather pants and a pink fur coat, like the ones rich housewives wore on tv. HueningKai was also carrying a little purse, and he had to hold back from asking him why. It didn't matter. It worked. It made wonders for the look. The stylists went for a casual hairstyle, so he looked polished but relaxed at the same time, maybe even more whenever he smirked like he understood a joke Soobin didn't.
It was so different from what they usually wore... The pants were too tight, the blouse too open and that necklace, tempting him to look at his slender neck, too shiny and inviting. He looked so pleased with himself too. And for a moment Soobin was glad he was content. Whatever made Huening happy should make him happy as well. They had been together since the beginning, even before that, they´d always had each other's backs. They were best friends, glued to each other, incapable of keeping things from the other one. Cute and playful and pure.
Except that there was nothing pure about the things that were going on in Soobin's mind. And there was no way in hell he'd tell Kai. So he guessed even their friendship had its limits. This was wrong and he knew. This was dangerous. He practiced in his head the possible questions the interviewers could ask him on the red carpet. With a little bit of effort that distracted him during the ride, which was safe because he was paired with Beomgyu, and before he realized they were arriving at the venue. When they all got out of the cars and reunited, getting ready to walk the red carpet, HueningKai quickly approached him.
—Are you okay, Soobin?— He asked, which was not rare. By their standards, no matter where they went or what they were doing, they usually stayed side by side, always ready to comfort and help each other. During their latest concerts, they had cultivated the habit of holding hands and squeezing them together when they were saying goodbye. At those unbelievable moments, the world felt big and strange and endless, so it was really nice having a person who could ground him. HueningKai had always been that person for him.
Not that day.
–I ́m fine Hyuka– He answered, trying not to lose his politeness but avoiding eye contact– Kinda nervous because of my english–
–Oh, don't worry– The boy softly caressed his arm and let out a giggle– I can take care of that, right?–
Soobin gathered the courage to finally look at his face and the first thing he noticed was the lip gloss. For some reason, someone thought it would be a good idea to moisturize HueningKai´s lips. Even though it would be almost imperceptible to anyone, Soobin was so familiar with his best friend's face that any change would be noticeable. They had slept together thousands of nights. He could name every freckle and mole in HueningKai´s face if he had to. He knew by memory the shape of his eyebrows, how slightly crooked his nose was and the way he smiled with his eyes first and then with his mouth.
–Are you wearing… lip gloss?-
He didn´t mean to ask that.
He really didn't. It just came out without his consent.
HueningKai gave him a curious look, a couple of messy strands of hair falling in front of his eyes. Soobin wanted to remove them just to see if they would fall right back. He also wanted to run his finger through his lips and then maybe see what they tasted like.
–Yeah?... – Kai said– Why? Do you want some?-
Soobin felt flushed all of a sudden, even though he knew he didn't mean what he was thinking. HueningKai attempted to open his purse but Soobin quickly stopped him.
–It's okay. I'm fine–
–Oh– He said, lowering his hand– Okay-
And for a moment, Soobin completely forgot they were supposed to attend a super important international event in just a couple of seconds. HueningKai looked at him as if he wanted to say something else; his lips parted and his eyes scanning his face in search of something. He knew he should feel self-conscious but part of him liked it.
He liked that Kai was also looking at him.
He could indulge a little bit in that while thinking about all the ways in which he could kiss those lips until the only thing left was his spit. They would look even more pink and plump after that. Fuck that lipstick. He could do a better job.
—Hyung?...—
Was he maybe looking at him the same way?
Sometimes the boy was indecipherable, but they had enough history for Soobin to know that HueningKai considered him handsome, so it wouldn't be impossible.
But it still didn't matter, did it?
The night was just starting and they had to do thousands of interviews before the show and they had to pretend they cared for every single artist on stage and look nice and respectable at the same time. He didn't have time to fantasize about HueningKai. Since when did he fantasize about him?
–Let's go guys– Soobin was glad when their manager indicated it was time to enter the venue and showed them the way.
Suddenly they were surrounded by photographers, interviewers and a hundred celebrities he didn't even know the name of. All he knew was that he should smile for the cameras and nod and answer the questions and ignore with his whole life force that HueningKai was right beside him all the time. At one point, an interviewer asked them about their outfits and complimented the maknae specifically.
That's what this is about! She said, excitedly, pointing at him.
She was right, but at that moment Soobin suddenly became aware of all the looks HueningKai was receiving. It was not like the rest of them were being ignored, nothing like that, but… it was different. He hadn´t realized until then that he wasn't the only person with eyes. He wasn´t the only one that thought HueningKai looked really fucking hot. A lot of the guys and girls there would probably sell a kidney just to spend a couple of minutes with him. Soobin guessed it made sense; he had simply never been so aware of that fact. And he wasn't sure he liked the idea of someone else desiring HueningKai. It was a given, of course; they were idols. But… At that moment something felt peculiarly wrong about imagining him undressing for a different person.
Why would he ever do that?
Maybe it was the flashes and the lights or the screams or the pressure, but the night was starting to feel endless. He just wanted to sit and have a sip of water and get a hold of himself. The fact that every one of his movements was being monitored made everything worse. He had a lot of experience in the industry, but being in America always felt a little bit more difficult. He wasn't familiar with either the language, the traditions or even the mannerisms people had. He didn't want to cross any boundaries or make a fool of himself so being there was always nerve-wracking.
–TXT! OVER HERE! A PICTURE!-
Soobin felt that something was brushing his hand and even before looking he knew it was HueningKai. He posed for the picture while being completely aware of how the boy was playing with his bracelet. They were barely touching, but it still felt like his fingers were burning. Was he unaware that he was doing that? He supposed he could be nervous. That would make sense.
Soobin took a deep breath and during the next picture decided to put his arm around Huening´s waist. Part of him was sure he had felt Kai shivering for a second. Whatever. He could survive this. It wasn't like his hands were sweating and he had hardly answered any questions or that his mind was still fixated on the fact that he wanted to pin his best friend against a wall. He was also pretty sure that at some point he lost control of his hands and started caressing the coat as if it was a plushie. He confirmed it felt as soft as it looked. Soobin wished he could bury himself in it and go somewhere far far away.
When HueningKai noticed him, he gave him a funny look but they didn't exchange any words until they arrived at their seats in the audience. At least there, the photographers weren't on their faces so he instantly felt more relaxed. Taehyun told him something about the performance that was about to take place on the stage but he could only mutter a half-hearted response in return. Something something Bruno Mars and Doja Cat and... He turned his head to look at the opposite side of the row of seats they were occupying. Hueningkai, exactly at the other end, as if being called by the devil, instantly looked up. He raised his eyebrows waiting for Soobin to say something but Soobin was too caught up on the fact that the boy was no longer wearing the coat.
With only the blouse on, the translucency of the fabric became noticeable. It fit his body like a glove, just like his pants, accentuating every corner they were supposed to. His shoulders, his back, his chest, his ass.
Those clothes weren't supposed to look so good on a man.
Especially not his lifelong best friend who was so young and innocent and…
HueningKai smiled at him from afar and Soobin could swear he was seeing a hint of wickedness in the expression. Okay? What was it with him? He felt the sudden need to erase the cockiness from his face. It was obvious he was feeling himself that night, as he should have, but… Did he know the power he had over him?
–For God's sake– Complained Taehyun, and Soobin finally snapped out– Just sit next to him. I can't stand the longing looks you are giving each other. It's making me sick–
–But…– Even though he knew he shouldn't do that to himself, he also knew that avoiding Kai was taking him nowhere. And they still had to be there for like three more hours. Maybe having an actual conversation with him would make him realize that he was the same person as always: loud and weird HueningKai. Nothing to look at, nothing to desire – Okay–
He quickly got up and sat next to the boy before he could change his mind. Soobin didn't even have time to decide whether he should ask him about the temperature or the food because Kai spoke first.
–Missed me?–
God. He suddenly felt a tight knot in his stomach.
HueningKai still had that bratty expression on his face and that only made him angrier. He wasn't exactly angry at him, he was angry at the situation and himself. He didn't bother to answer, even though it was tempting. Why would a light joke affect him? They joked all the time about the stupidest things. Hell, they even flirted with each other without any second thoughts. The five of them did, so… Why was he getting so worked up about it?
–Did something funny happen?– Soobin asked, not being able to resist – You were looking at me as if i was telling you a joke-
Kai shrugged his shoulders, playing innocent.
–It's just that your face is really funny–
Right.
–Most of the people here would describe my face as stunning and gorgeous but… sure–
HueningKai laughed, and once again, Soobin desperately wished he could join him.
–I guess that's also true– He said, in a quiet, almost cautious voice.
The older boy froze for a second, all his senses enlighted, his body on the lookout.
–Sorry?–
HueningKai placed a hand on his thigh and looked him in the eyes. Now his hands weren't the only thing on fire.
–I said that you do look gorgeous tonight–
He felt a shiver run down his spine and wondered if he could blame the loud music for feeling so out of it that night. He wished he could say it was the alcohol but he hadn't even drunk a sip yet. It was all HueningKai´s. How could a person bring all his defenses down with only a few words? Kai had always been his weakness but it wasn't supposed to work like this. This was…
–You haven't said anything about how I look, though– The boy looked at him through his eyelashes, his anticipating eyes shining brightly– Don´t you like it?-
Fuck.
Since they were really young, they had been playing with the limits of their friendship. First because Kai couldn´t sleep alone, second because Soobin was an obsessive hugger, then because the days at Hybe were long and lonely and sometimes they just needed the touch of another human being.
There was always an excuse, but it usually was wholesome and a little bit childish. A few stolen kisses here and there, a few conversations about living together for many more years, a few love songs dedicated to one another. Soobin guessed he had never been in a situation where he had to confront the truth. During the past years, he could justify his obsession and adoration for Kai with the excuse of protectiveness and leadership. He was supposed to take care of him, right? He was supposed to take care of all of them. It wasn´t weird if they hugged for a little too long or if they regularly told each other i love you or if they had grown so accustomed to each other that they couldn't imagine being apart for more than a few days. It had always been platonic, even though a part of him had always wished it hadn't been.
–You look nice– He managed to say; a lower tone than usual.
–Just… nice?–
At that point it was physically impossible for Soobin to not stare at his lips, the idea of biting and sucking and kissing them eclipsing any other type of rational thought in his head. He wanted to untangle the stupid lace on his shirt and touch every inch of skin he could get his hands on. He wanted to hear the sounds he would make while being kissed, so kissed that he loses his train of thought and can only ask Soobin for more. He wanted to get to know him in all the ways he couldn't before. It was the only thing missing in their relationship, right? He knew everything about him, except that.
Soobin´s heart started beating faster and faster.
–You´re making me insane– He finally said, being aware it wasn't even close to what he wanted to express. He didn't know why he said that, he just couldn't think straight anymore.
Kai looked a little bit breathless. Soobin swallowed.
Up until then, he could more or less control himself and his words, but his body was definitely a traitor. If he spent one more minute with HueningKai looking at him like that he would make a spectacle in front of the cameras. He was that pitiful. Couldn't he control his impulses? Was he a caveman or something?
Soobin straightened himself thinking about how he could still save some of his dignity. He got up and announced that he was going to the bathroom, feeling like a teenager. He walked and asked for directions and didn't look back. When he reached the place he threw water to his face and looked in the mirror, trying really hard to calm down.
He was going to fuck everything up. They were in public. He was the leader. Jesus Christ, they were supposed to be like brothers. What would their fans think? But he had to admit HueningKai wasn't helpful at all. He had been looking at him all night as if he was waiting to catch him red-handed. He had done exactly that. He was enjoying his suffering. He knew. He made him admit it!
And now he was a complete mess.
The thing was that… He had always liked HueningKai. He had always thought he was sweet and pretty and overall really similar to him. They had always been together and done everything together. It made sense that at some point, he had developed feelings for him. Even though he wasn't ready to fully admit it yet, Soobin knew it was a truth that was hidden beneath a well- constructed facade. He didn't want to think about it because, taking into account their circumstances, it was pointless. It wouldn't take them anywhere. And besides, most of the time, his desire for him could be quickly repressed and controlled.
He wasn't an animal, even though he for sure felt like one then.
He just needed to get his shit together and talk to someone else and maybe eat something to fill his empty stomach. Maybe Yeonjun could introduce him to some of his friends and he could socialize and forget all of this.
Yeah, that would be a good idea.
The boy dried his hands with some paper towels, and just when he was about to leave, someone entered the bathroom.
HueningKai slid in and carefully closed the door before looking at him. He was wearing that stupid coat again and playing with the keychain that was hanging from his purse.
–I´m sorry– He said, with something like caution in his voice– Did you leave because I was being annoying?-
Soobin wanted to curse, but instead, he allowed himself to carefully look at him. Without all the chit-chat and stupid noise and pressure. Kai looked as beautiful as before, except a little more hesitant, as if he wasn't exactly sure what he was doing there.
Soobin sighed.
His efforts were really wavering.
– You are a little bit distracting– He admitted.
HueningKai raised his eyebrows.
–Am i?–
–You really are–
–Well it's not my fault, is it?– The younger boy took a few steps closer to him until they were facing each other, just a few centimeters apart. He wanted to tell him to stop, but he physically couldn´t. He was already really busy trying to control his breath, which had been invaded by the floral and sugared scent of Hueningkai's perfume. It fitted him. And his face was boasted with a sun-kissed radiance, skin so smooth and clear that it seemed like porcelain. His sparkling eyes, a shade of deep, rich hazel, held a magnetic charm that made Soobin want to drown in them, right into their depths. In how many more ways could he explore Kai´s body? The mere thought was driving him wild.
The boy started playing with Soobin´s tie. He wasn't even touching him but he was already feeling shivers all over his body.
–This is a public event, HueningKai– He tried warning him, he really did. But it didn't sound convincing. Not even to him. He was already lost.
–I didn't do anything– The other boy said, taking his hands off him– I can go if you want me to–
He turned around intending to walk towards the door but Soobin reached out and firmly held his arm. He was acting unreasonably; he knew he would regret it later. But at that moment, keeping HueningKai away was what sounded like insanity. They were already too far apart. How could that be?
–You aren't going anywhere–
He almost felt as if his words weren't his to control. Were they really coming from his mouth? Has he always been that shameless?
Huening´s lips folded into a smile, and the grip Soobin had in him only tightened.
–Then what am I doing here?–
–Discussing urgent matters with me–
–And those are…?–
Soobin had never been good at controlling his impulses.
—Well, for starters, if I don't kiss you right now I might die—
HueningKai froze; the weight of the words hanging heavily in the space around them. His face was covered by a sudden blush that made him look even more alluring. Soobin dizzily wondered if he was blushing too, but he didn't really care. All he cared about was reaching out to Kai, his trembling fingers gently cupping his face.
–You´re shaking– He noted, even though his voice didn't sound very steady either. Soobin looked at his glossy eyes, full of want, and he blamed himself for not noticing before. How could he be so blind?
—So... Can I? Kiss you?–
Their breaths mingled, warm and heavy, as they leaned closer, foreheads touching.
HueningKai nodded, and they closed the remaining distance between them, their lips finally meeting in a small, chaste kiss. Soobin felt the softness of HueningKai´s lips and thought of course. Of course he would taste as sweet as he was, there was no other way. The lip gloss made him feel a little bit sticky, but he thought it was so adequate. It was strawberry or… cherry or… blackberry flavored. He wasn't sure but it reminded him of all the summers they had spent together, sheltered from the world in Soobin´s childhood house. Honeyed summers full of sunny afternoons and belly laughs and movies about people who were so different from them.
For a moment, he hesitated.
He put some distance between them, not a lot, just enough to be able to look at HueningKai´s face. The boy gulped, his crescent-shaped mouth slightly opened.
–You´re lovely– Soobin said, before caressing his cheek, afraid of making the wrong move. Afraid of all the consequences that falling in love with his best friend would have.
HueningKai didn't allow him to think about it for too long. This time, he kissed him vehemently and Soobin´s body reacted before his mind could. He happily received him and his hands found their way to Huening's waist, pulling him closer, their bodies melting into each other. Their lips moved together with an urgency born of years of unspoken longing. It shouldn't have been like that but it felt so right. And it was like HueningKai was melting in the kiss, giving all of himself in the action, inviting Soobin to take more, to take all of it if he wanted. It surprised him how eager Kai was. It also surprised him how willing he was to accept it. He found it intoxicating, like he could get high on the feeling. Whenever they separated to breathe, the younger boy quickly closed the distance again as if there was a magnet in Soobin´s lips. Soobin´s hand came up to his chest, his fingers curling into the lace of his blouse. He would have really liked to rip it open, but he had to be satisfied with just untangling it.
There was something so electrifying about finally letting go of all his inhibitions. All of those years trying to be firm and act responsible because how could he possibly want HueningKai… Be he did. And he didn't mind anymore because HueningKai wanted him too and being with him felt a thousand times better than fucking any of the guys that were lining up to be with him. One gesture from Kai and his whole world collapsed.
As their kiss deepened, all of his thoughts quietened. All he could think about was how good he was feeling and how good he could make HueningKai feel. The boy pressed his tongue against his lips, then slipped it into his mouth and Soobin thought he might´ve blacked out. He started taking the coat off and a few seconds later it was laying on the ground alongside his tie. He let his teeth drag over Huening’s bottom lip and he realized how messy everything was: both of them gasping, HueningKai´s hands tangled in his hair, yanking him closer and closer, reality forgotten a long time ago.
–Soobin… – He mumbled between all of the sloppy kisses.
–Did something happen… love?–
But he didn't say anything, and the sight of HueningKai standing there with his hair a mess and his lips open and swollen was enough for Soobin to follow the impulse to lift him up and place him beside the bathroom sink. For a second he looked surprised, but he quickly got a hold of Soobin´s neck and wrapped his legs around his waist. The older boy saw a faint smile on HueningKai´s face before they kissed again.
He didn't have any idea HueningKai could be like this.
At that moment, there was not even a trace left of the boy he had met before debuting.
Soobin dragged his lips down the curve of his neck, trailing wet kisses and wondering how many people had Kai kissed like this. The mere thought was infuriating.
–You´re so pretty, Kai– Soobin kissed the line of his jaw, his chin and the corner of his mouth as if he was starving. Maybe he had been– So pretty i could die…-
Kai tugged his hair more fiercely in response and hummed and Soobin touched his skin with his nose and breathed in and wanted to drop dead at that moment because of how overwhelming everything was. He couldn't help but put his mouth over the mole HueningKai had on the left side of his neck and sucked. Kai threw his head back, eyes shut, face flushed and let out a small sound. God, Soobin could listen to that all day. He felt so pleased with himself that it almost made him disgusted. He wasn't his. He wasn't…
The younger boy's hands smoothed over the fabric of his shirt and then under and then up until he was trying to unbutton it, so fucking impatient and… damn, Soobin was so gone it was almost funny. Even with all of that he still ached for more. His mouth, his hands, his legs. HueningKai´s thighs were pulling him even closer, his hips touching, every part of his body fiercely beating.
–Jesus, HueningKai–
He didn't understand how he had been able to live his whole life without this. His skin was burning hot and he was trembling and if they didn't stop he would have a really big problem to worry about.
They were kissing again and again, eagerly, greedily, their bodies entangled and HueningKai making those little obscene sounds in his ear. He wished they could be home so he could take all of his clothes off and watch him come undone. He wished he could reach that spot in his legs that always made him giggle and suck there as well and see how he would react. He wanted to take him to his bed and discover how many more boundaries they could cross and…
Someone knocked on the door.
–I´ll give you one minute to go back to the seats of the event we were kindly invited to or the next person coming here won't have as much patience as me–
It was Taehyun.
–Shit–
With a groan, and as if they were agonizing, they separated. Soobin took a step back, unsteadily and against his wishes. He tried to gather his thoughts, but it was incredibly difficult when in front of him was a panting and frustrated HueningKai. The blouse had slipped over his pants, no longer neatly tucked up. And one of his shoulders was exposed. His chest was rising up and down; his gaze was a little lost. Soobin had never seen him like that, but he hoped it wasn´t the last time. They looked at each other with something close to embarrassment. Soobin's heart pounded in his chest, as if trying to break free. What was he supposed to say after that?
–And for the love of God– Taehyun continued– Try to look decent when you come out–
He looked away from the other boy and let out a deep sigh.
HueningKai got back to the ground and frantically tried to fix his hair and his clothes. Soobin picked up the coat and gave it to him, who received it with a flush on his face.
–Thanks– He muttered, not being able to maintain eye contact.
Soobin wanted to laugh, but he was still trying to process what had happened, and the fact that Taehyun seemed to know.
Wait. How did he…
–Did you listen to me?–
–We´re going– Soobin said, his voice sounding hoarse and weak.
It was pathetic.
He gave another look at HueningKai, who was fearfully inspecting the very obvious hickey on his neck. Some sick, twisted part of Soobin thought that it wasn´t enough. He wished he could give him another one, right at that moment. it was not the time to think about that, though. It was time to move.
Carefully, he approached the boy and adjusted his coat from behind, looking at their reflections in the mirror. They didn't look exactly the way they had arrived at the event, but they didn't look so messed up either. He realized he quite liked that: how they both looked together, how Huening´s warmth felt even through their clothes.
–I think it will be fine as long as you keep the coat on–
HueningKai let out a laugh.
–If i get in trouble for this, i'm seriously going to kill you–
–You didn't give me a lot of options, did you?–
Kai rolled his eyes and started moving towards the door before Soobin could reach him and plant a sudden kiss on his mouth. The younger boy looked shocked for a second but then playfully slapped him in the arm.
–Let's go– He said, with a shy smile on his face– We can continue later–
Soobin´s muscles twitched at the comment, anticipation gathering in his stomach.
When they opened the door — Hueningkai almost hurrying away from the place— Taehyun gave him a deadly look. He almost felt as if he deserved it.
—Let's behave ourselves for the rest of the night, shall we?—
—Taehyun, I… — He tried looking for the right words to say, but deep down he knew nothing would suffice. He knew they would have a long, excruciating conversation later, and Taehyun's gaze only confirmed it.
When they went back to their seats, the audience was screaming and roaring because of the hip-hop act that was on stage at that moment. The flickering lights, the applause and all those lyrics about money and sex and success only made him feel like he was at a really claustrophobic club. He drank some whiskey, stood up to congratulate some of his colleagues and made small chit chat with them. Three hours later, when they finally arrived at their apartment, tired and sleepy, Soobin collapsed into his bed without even showering. His head was all over the place, flashes of what had happened monopolizing his ideas. They hadn't talked yet. He and… They had a flight tomorrow, and then they would start preparing for the next comeback: their days full of dance rehearsals, recording sessions and photoshoots. That was what he should had been worried about. Not… not that stupid tingling sensation at the tip of his fingertips, as if they were searching for the touch of something, someone who was probably dead asleep in his room at that moment.
We can continue later.
Sure.
Soobin rolled around his bed, scrolling through his feed looking for something to successfully distract him, but after fifteen minutes he gave up. He got up from the bed, looked at his reflection in the mirror and pinched his arm. Feeling like he was infected by a rare and incurable disease — his movements clumsy, his teeth biting the skin of his lips— he headed to the corridor.
The door that was in front of him opened, and he could swear he was able to hear his own heartbeats in the middle of all that silence.
HueningKai looked at him with something similar to satisfaction in his eyes.
Later that night, when Kai was straddling him — all of their clothes abandoned in different places of the room— Soobin felt blissful and delighted, waves of pleasure taking over his body and increasing with every passing second. It was incredible how little Kai had to do to make him see the stars.
—You have no idea how many times I imagined this— HueningKai said, between wet, opened-mouth kisses— I thought you... didn't… —
—I do— Soobin answered, feeling the friction between them, HueningKai's hands touching every part of his body— I think I've always wanted this—
The boy gave him a curious look, before gently stroking his cheek.
He would do anything for him.
—Then let's never waste any more time— He said softly, looking like the most innocent person in the world.
Soobin smiled.
Focusing on the comeback was going to be an impossible task.