Chapter Text
PART 1 → THE COUPLING
Randy was sitting on one end of the couch on this phone drinking a (gluten-free) beer as Stan sat on the other side of the couch half-heartedly watching TV and occasionally thinking of some new song lyrics and typing them into his phone. Everything was peaceful for a while, with just the sounds of the TV playing softly, tapping on phone screens, and the noises of Sharon busying herself in the kitchen. Without warning, Randy suddenly looked up from his phone and exclaimed, “GAH.”
Sharon’s head appeared in the doorway, “What is it Ran, do you need another beer?” she asked flatly.
“No no it’s not that. I was just bidding on some Tweek and Craig yaoi and it made me think like… wouldn’t it be so cool if one of our kids was gay? You know?" Randy replied, imploring his wife.
“Yes Randy it would be ‘cool’ but it doesn’t matter as long as the kids are happy and healthy.” Sharon said, a hint of exasperation already creeping into her tone.
“I know that Sharon gAHD.” Randy said petulantly, slumping back into the couch.
Sharon just rolled her eyes at Randy in response and turned back towards the kitchen. Unnoticed by his parents, Stan had begun to pay attention to their conversation, looking up from his phone and ignoring the TV.
“Guys,” Stan started, causing Sharon to pause and turn back around, “you know I’m literally bi, right?” He stated it very casually, like it was something his parents should have already known– but inside his stomach did a backflip knowing he’d just dropped a bomb.
“Staaan?” Randy questioned, saying his son’s name in the weird drawn out way that only he could.
“Stanley you’re bi?” Sharon asked, stepping back into the living room, “Oh this is so exciting! My son is queer! Can I say that? Oh I’m just so proud of you Stanley.” Stan gave a half-smile and laughed awkwardly.
“Haha okay Mom don’t make a big thing out of it, I’m just saying.” Stan replied, sinking into the couch a bit and wondering why he even had to open his mouth in the first place.
“Sorry, Sorry” his mom said, still smiling.
Randy looked at his wife and quickly explained to her,“Yes Sharon, you can say queer in this context, it’s a reclaimed word.” Then he turned to his son, “So Stan,” he started incredulously, eyebrows raised, “ you like boys?”
“Ya” Stan replied flatly.
“ And you like girls?” Randy continued.
“Ya” Stan responded once again, his tone unwavering.
“And you’re not just saying this to make Daddy feel better?” Randy asked, slightly patronizingly.
“Seriously dad? I wouldn’t lie about this.”Stan wished they would just drop the whole thing, so he tried to shut down his stupid dad’s stupid line of questioning as fast as possible, “ I thought you were supposed to be PC or something. Anyways, can we just drop it now? I’m doing stuff.”
“I’m PC!” Randy instantly defended. “Just because you’re gay now, don’t think you’re more PC than me Stan, okay.”
“Randy, please.” Sharon said in a stern voice, then she softened and said “ Stanley, we’re very proud of you.”
“Uhh, thanks. Mom.”
“Oh please Sharon the kid isn't even really gay he’s just bi ” Randy piped up.
“Randy!” Sharon snapped.
“Okay okay you’re right I’m sorry,” Randy yielded, “technically being bi or pan counts as being gay.” Then under his breath he added, “but it’s not as cool.”
“What was that Randy?” Sharon snapped again, trying to shut up her husband before he said something that would seriously hurt their son’s feelings.
“NOTHINGGG,” Randy whined, knowing better than to draw this one out any further, “ I just said it’s really cool, GAH.”
Sharon leveled her husband with a searing look before turning her attention back to her son. At this point Stan had gone back to watching TV, not particularly caring about his parent’s petty arguing, even though it was about him. He knew better than to waste his energy getting annoyed at his Dad by now. Randy was just gonna Randy. And besides, he knew his Dad loved him no matter what, even if he was terrible at showing it most of the time.
“Well I think it’s great that you’re bi Stanley,” Sharon announced, getting Stan’s attention again, “and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to share that with us,” she finished as she leaned down to give her son a quick hug.
“Thanks Mom,” Stan said as he hugged her back, hoping he didn’t sound as grateful as he actually was. At the same moment, Shelley came down the stairs, apparently having heard what her mom had just said.
“Stan’s bi? And he’s still single?” she commented with a lisp while walking through the living room, “Wow. he really must be a stupid turd,” she finished with a snort of laughter as she disappeared into the kitchen. Stan let out a sigh of annoyance, but was secretly relieved at how nonchalant his sister was about the whole thing. At least someone else in this house was at least kind of normal.
“Shelley,” Sharon chided with a sigh. Reading the room, Sharon knew this conversation was over, at least for now, so she decided to move everything along back to normal conversation. “Now,” she said, clearly switching gears, “I have to get started on dinner. Stan, is there something special you want tonight?
“Could we get impossible burgers?” Stan asked. He didn’t want to make a big deal about this whole coming out thing, but he also wasn’t about to pass up the chance to choose what was for dinner.
“ Sure thing hun,” Sharon replied easily, “ I think I have some in the freezer.” She flashed her son a supportive smile before turning back into the kitchen to look for the burgers.
Stan went back to watching TV and typing ideas for lyrics into his phone, but Randy was still looking at him funny from across the couch. Stan tried to ignore his Dad, but got fed up by his gaze pretty quickly.
“Um, Dad? Can you stop staring at me, I can’t focus on the TV”
“Well…” Randy started, clearly reaching for a thread he could use to drag the conversation out further, “should I even be letting you watch TV now Stan, or are you- are you gonna watch gay porn? Huh Stanley?”
“What?!” Stan snapped in disbelief at the sheer stupidity of his father’s words. “Dad, I’m not gonna watch gay porn on the TV. Besides, you could say the exact same thing about regular porn. Are you gonna watch the cooking channel? Because I’ve literally seen you jack-off to a chicken being glazed.”
“AHHA! Randy cut in, seemingly not hearing past the first sentence. He shouted to his wife in the kitchen, “SEE SHARON? STAN’S NOT GAY GAY! HE– HE DOESN’T EVEN WANNA WATCH GAY PORN ON THE T V.” There was no response from Sharon or any indication that she’d even heard him.
“I’m not gay, I’m bi,” Stan corrected, “and I’m not going to watch any kind of porn on the TV in the living room.”
“Well, Thomas’s kid would be heeeee’s actually gay,” Randy goaded.
“Craig? No he wouldn’t. Stop trying to use my sexuality for clout, Dad.”
“GAh Stan, I’m not… It would just be cooler if….” Randy trailed off mid-sentence, but Stan instantly knew where he was going with it and stated exactly what he knew his dad was getting at.
“It would be cooler if I was totally gay so you could brag to your PC friends that you have a gay son so now you can say whatever you want about gay social issues? That’s homophobic, Dad. Now move, I'm trying to watch Terrance & Phillip, they’re playing reruns today.” Stan said matter-of-factly. Randy opened and closed his mouth like he was going to say something, but didn’t know what.
“Oh, and you still have to give me twenty dollars,” Stan added, not forgetting the one and only perk of being a queer kid in South Park.
“WHAT! Stan, you’re half gay” Randy exclaimed, then he conceded saying, “.… I’ll give you ten dollars.” Stan immediately raised his voice to a shout and yelled towards the kitchen.
“Mom, Dad said he’s only going to give me ten dollars ‘cause I’m only half gay!”
Sharon’s stern voice erupted from the kitchen, “RANDY! Give Stan twenty dollars.”
Randy got up and groaned, digging his wallet from his back pocket and muttering while he found the money.
“Goddamnit you’re not even totally gay and I don’t even get a discount,” he said under his breath as he handed Stan twenty dollars and sulked out of the room, no doubt to go get high.
When Randy fully left the room, Stan took a moment to appreciate his new money, saying “Nice,” out loud to himself before pocketing it and whipping open the messages app on his phone. He’d played it cool for his family, but he desperately wanted to tell his friends what had just happened. Especially Kyle, who was not only his super best friend, but had also come out as gay himself recently– but just to his parents, brother, and Stan. Dad would probably be jealous of Mr. Broflovski if he knew Kyle was GAY gay, Stan thought somewhat bitterly. At least Kyle’s dad was kind of smart (for an adult in South Park) and better than that, he didn’t use his son’s sexuality for clout or anything. Kyle’s parents had actually been surprisingly chill about the whole thing, Stan guessed they just knew their son better than his parents knew him– and that thought totally didn’t bum him out or anything, parents were stupid anyways. Without any fanfare, Stan just texted the group chat with Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman and said:
Stan: dudes. just came out to my parents
Cartman: As what, a butthole? HAHAHA
He was already regretting not texting Kyle privately, but all his friends already knew he was bi, so he figured there was no point in keeping it a secret that his parents knew too. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. He could always talk more about it in person with Kyle later.
Kyle: Nice dude! what’d they say?
Kenny: Loved * dudes. just came out to my parents*
Laughed at *As what, a butthole? HAHAHA*
Stan: they were cool.
Kyle: was your dad a dick about it?
Cartman: how much $$$ did you get?
Stan: no more than usual
Stan: $20
Cartman: WHAT no fair dude ur not even really gay
Stan: u sound like my dad cartman 🤮
Kenny: Liked *they were cool.*
Laughed at *no more than usual*
Emphasized *$20*
Cartman: holy fuck who the fUCK added kenny back to the gc I STG KYLE
Kyle: when cartman comes out, do you think he’ll get $40 because he’s SUUUPPEERRR gay?
Kenny: Laughed at * when cartman comes out, do you think he’ll get $40 because he’s SUUUPPEERRR gay?*
Cartman: STFU UP KYLE IM NOT GAY
Stan: 👀
Kyle: 👁👁
Kenny: dude cartman ur fuckin gay
Cartman: Shut up and get an iphone kenny
Kenny: Disliked *Shut up and get an iphone kenny*
Stan: u guys wanna come over after dinner and watch old T&P episodes? Theres a marathon on tv
Kyle: Ya dude! But u should come to my place. No offense, but I dont wanna drive all the way up to the weed farm.
Stan: good point it sucks here anyways. u have to get the snx tho
Kyle: deal
Kenny: Loved *u guys wanna come over and watch old T&P episodes? Theres a marathon on tv*
Liked *Ya dude! But u should come to my place. No offense, but I dont wanna drive all the way up to the weed farm.*
Cartman: oh my god seriously you guys somebody needs to get kenny a fuckin iphone already
Kyle: then give him yours if it bother you so much
Kenny: Loved * then give him yours if it bother you so much*
Cartman left the last few messages on read and Stan went back to watching TV, the groupchat having gone quiet. The boys already knew that ‘after dinner’ meant at around 7pm, not that it mattered much anyways, they would all show up around the same time anyways– just by muscle memory or something, after so many years of hanging out. After a few minutes of doing nothing, a private message from Kyle made his phone ding.
Kyle: So how did it really go?
Stan: it was chill. It kinda just came up naturally and i kinda just like… said it lol
Kyle: good for you dude! I’m glad you didn’t have to make it a whole big deal or anything
Stan: well its not a big deal. I mean, right?
Kyle: totally dude!
Kyle: i just know you hated the way I told by parents by like, sitting them down and stuff
Stan: oh ya haha. just not really my style I guess
Kyle: haha i know dude
Kyle: okay tell me fr how annoying was your dad tho? 1-10?
Stan: ugh idk like a 7 or 8? he could have been worse.
Stan: he just like. wanted me to be gay gay and not bi 4 like PC clout or sum shit i guess
Kyle: dude that sucks balls
Stan let out a laugh at Kyle’s frank response. It wasn’t like he’d said much, but Kyle always knew the right thing to say.
Stan: ha ya. he’ll get over it
Kyle: just tell him he’s being biphobic lmao
Kyle: very un-PC
Stan: ha. ya maybe. Or I could just never say anything about it ever again.
Kyle: until you get a boyfrienddd 😉
Kyle: hahhahaha
Stan: LMAO
Kyle: I’m totally kidding
Kyle: but you never know dude
Stan: hahaha. ok c u soon. dinner ready.
( Kyle: Liked ‘ hahaha. ok c u soon. dinner ready.’ )
In truth, dinner wasn’t ready just yet, although Stan could hear the burgers sizzling on the stove. He just didn’t want to talk about dating boys with Kyle. He knew it sounded weird, like, why wouldn’t a bi kid want to talk to his gay best friend about same-gender dating? Well, Stan maybe knew why: there just wasn’t anybody else he wanted to date. ANYBODY, he wanted to date, he corrected his mental typo. There just wasn’t anybody he wanted to date. At that moment Sharon called out to Stan that dinner was ready, and mercifully the topic of his sexuality didn’t come up while eating. After some pretty good impossible burger, Stan went outside to his dad’s garage and nicked a few beers for himself and the boys, as well as a bit of weed for Kenny. He tossed everything into the passenger seat of his blue pickup truck as he slid into the front seat and started up the car (his dad had got him a pickup truck so he could also use it for the weed harvest, of-fucking-course). He took a moment to find some good music to put on for the drive into town, then started off down his dirt driveway for Kyle’s house.