Chapter Text
Year of the Realm 860
Joshua sat still atop the wooden bench, watching intently as the training session played out in front of him. Guard here, attack there, dodge at this moment, but not a second too soon or you may miss the opportunity to parry. He had been frequently attending the soldier’s trainings for as long as he could remember, making sure to run back to his rooms before his mother could come down and scold him for spending too much time outside.
He hated it when he had to cut his time outside short, for he would miss studying the various techniques the soldiers exhibited, learning the moves that he might need to utilize one day. And, most importantly, would miss watching his older brother Clive best even those who had been training for far longer than he had.
He liked the way his brother moved his feet gracefully across the training grounds, keeping his eyes on every maneuver of his opponent. Clasping sword to sword, moving swiftly to the back of his opponent to catch them off guard, throwing fire when they managed to get away. Fire that Joshua had blessed him with.
Clive had been so proud of that gift. The thought made Joshua’s heart pace.
His heart paced faster when he noticed his brother glance his way. Joshua gave an affirming smile. Clive responded with a wink. Joshua’s stomach fluttered and he almost placed his hand over his heart when he felt a weight next to him.
Jill Warrick, Rosaria’s ward who had been a presence in his life for as long as he could remember, settled herself next to him. She was beautiful, with soft, silver hair and deep, blue eyes. She had a heart of gold and a tenacity to her despite her youth.
He wasn’t winking at her was he… Joshua wondered, before the thought quickly disappeared as Jill gave him a warm smile.
She had always been kind to him, treating him with the respect he would expect anyone under Lady Anabella’s watchful eye would. And while he knew that she would drop anything to be by his side if he needed it, he did wonder if her desire to please him was ignited by her desire to please Clive first.
He noticed how the two of them looked at each other when they were on opposite sides of a room. Quick coy glances, running their hands through their hair, batting their eyes. He saw the way she brushed her hand against Clive’s when she walked by. He even caught them staring longingly at each other on the balcony one night when he was having a nightmare and wanted to sleep in Clive’s room.
The memory made his stomach turn.
He abruptly came back to the scene before him when Jill leaned in closer.
“He’s getting a lot better,” she said, never taking her eyes off Clive.
“Yes, he is,” Joshua responded quietly.
“You’re out here almost every day. I bet it helps him knowing that you’re watching.”
Joshua hadn’t thought of that before, how his presence could influence Clive’s efforts. Was he making him a better Shield? Did Clive look forward to seeing his little brother on the side of the training arena every afternoon? Joshua pushed the thoughts aside.
“He would be doing fine without me here as well,” Joshua countered, the feeling of giving himself too much credit making his cheeks redden. He was too ashamed to believe that Clive would think of him as much as he thought of Clive. Joshua knew Clive loved him, and he was his First Shield and protector, but he was also a young man with growing attention from the other soldiers and a pretty girl who adored him. Joshua convinced himself that these things took up a considerable amount of Clive’s thoughts as well.
They watched keenly until the training session ended and the men shook hands and put down their weapons. Clive ran the back of his hand over his forehead, wiping the sweat from his brow which glistened in the bright sun. He picked up a jug of water placed on a stool next to him and chugged it back. Joshua watched closely as some of the water ran slowly down his mouth and neck.
Clive waved goodbye to Rodney Murdoch, the Rosarian Lord Commander and his mentor, and then excitedly jogged over to where Joshua and Jill were. When he got close, he wrapped a strong hug around them both.
“Did you see that, Joshua? I’m getting better at my fire attacks by the day.”
Joshua nodded rapidly in agreement, all other concerns that might have been on his mind quickly melting away.
“I thought you did so well, Clive! I love watching you fight against Lord Murdoch. He’s very good, but you’re almost as good as him.”
Clive chuckled and ruffled Joshua’s hair playfully. “Not quite, little brother, but I appreciate the praise.”
“I thought you did great as well, Clive,” Jill said, grabbing Clive’s hand and giving it a light squeeze. “You’re going to be the greatest soldier in Rosaria one day.”
“Ah, this is why I should keep you two around. Even on my worst day, I know you’ll have something charming to say,” Clive said as he squeezed her hand back. He held her gaze for a moment before glancing over at Joshua watching them. He then grabbed Joshua’s hand as well, creating a circle between them. “It’s been a long day and father should be coming back soon. Let’s wait to greet him, shall we?”. Joshua and Jill agreed, and they gathered themselves to walk outside of the training session.
As they left, they felt the energy of the soldiers around them shift and a gloomy aura encapsulated the castle grounds. On the opposite side of where Joshua and Clive were, coming through the inner castle gates as if a phantom looming over them, was their mother, Anabella, and her two servants following closely behind. She looked unamused, as she usually did, doing well not to make eye contact with anyone whom she found unworthy of her attention. Which was almost everyone.
She landed elegantly in front of the trio, making sure to keep her attention on her beloved golden child, the true pride and joy of her life, her darling son Joshua. Clive and Jill bowed deeply, knowing that their presence would not be recognized, yet doing what was expected of them anyway. She placed a soft hand on Joshua’s shoulder and gave him a firm grip.
“Joshua, my dear boy, why are you out here in this blistering heat? You know your symptoms get worse when you have dust and dirt blown in your eyes. Come, we will get you cleaned up in the baths inside.” She gave a reserved smile that was not meant to be comforting.
Joshua was intimated by his mother. He knew she thought the world of him, and told him so frequently, but sometimes he wondered whether this was because she truly loved him, or because he was given something that she deemed made him superior to every other person in this world.
It didn’t matter much to him either way. At that moment, the normal fear that he would have had for his mother and her demands seemed to halt, and he felt himself get hot with resistance.
“I don’t want to go, mother. I want to stay with Clive and Jill.”
Anabella didn’t turn to acknowledge the two people in question standing beside Joshua, instead staring straight ahead as if they weren’t there at all.
“You will come inside, my sweet boy, when I tell you to,” she said between slightly clenched teeth.
Joshua peaked back worriedly at Clive, using his eyes to ask for help, but Clive just looked back reassuringly, giving him a small nod. He didn’t want to leave Clive after only getting a few minutes with him that day, instead wanting to be in his presence for as long as he could. Wanting to talk further with him about his training and his adventures around the castle and what else he had planned for that day. And, as much as he tried to push it away, the thought of letting Clive have more alone time with Jill threatened to invade his mind.
“Joshua.” Anabella warned.
He knew there was no convincing her otherwise. And so, with that, he reluctantly took his mother’s hand to head back towards Rosalith castle.
Joshua looked over his shoulder as they left, watching as Clive gave him an encouraging smile and mouthed, “Later.”
He felt a bit better seeing that and turned back to walk forward with his mother, but not before he caught the smallest glimpse of Jill reaching for Clive’s hand again. Joshua kept himself from thinking about the tightening in his chest.
I’ll get to be with him later, it’ll be ok…it’ll be ok.
--------------------
Once inside the castle, Anabella had her servants lead Joshua to the baths to undress. The bath was large, taking up almost the entire center of the room, and was built into the floor. It was filled with lavender and herb petals; it smelled decadent.
Joshua climbed in, working slowly to not let the steaming water burn him, and then sat in the far-left corner, playing with one of the herb petals. He closed his eyes for a second, his mind wandering with what Clive and Jill might be up to at that very moment, but he was disturbed when he heard the door creak open.
He looked up to find his mother walking slowly over to him from across the room.
She looked more pleasant than she had before, her hair a little looser and her eyes a little warmer. She found and placed a large, red pillow on the ground next to Joshua and lathered an aromatic cleanser into her hands. She smelled it quickly and then began to work it into his hair.
She didn’t say anything for a while, just combed her hands through his hair, drawing small circles on his scalp. After a long silence, Joshua could sense that his mother wanted to say something, and he was validated when she gave a soft, exasperated sigh.
“You mustn’t dwell on the disappointment of others,” she said, unexpectantly.
“Mother?” Joshua questioned, not entirely sure what she was speaking of.
“You are a Dominant, a leader of this world. Your power, your strength, is more significant than anyone else’s. You were specifically chosen to carry our nation to victory. And while others will inevitably fail, you will succeed. This is something that no one can take from you.”
She paused for a moment, thinking to herself, then continued. “Others wished to be given your gift, but they did not. They fight to be like you now, but they will never be. That should not concern you.”
Joshua didn’t say anything, just listened cautiously. He didn’t know exactly what she was referring to, but he knew it must have something to do with Clive, given that she always resorted to discussing him when she wanted to express something distastefully.
He didn’t understand why she despised him so much. Clive was her flesh and blood, her eldest son. Shouldn’t that mean something? And Clive didn’t wish to take what Joshua had, he only wanted to be strong enough to protect him. Joshua didn’t wish to reside with these thoughts any further.
“I’m not sure, mother. I don’t feel any more important than anyone else.”
Anabella stopped washing his hair. She placed her hand under Joshua’s chin and turned his head up to look at her.
“Eikons don’t choose people who are meek, Joshua,” she said sternly. “You must embrace what you’ve inherited and respect it for recognizing you as the one who must carry the power of the Phoenix. It’s the strongest Eikon this world has, and it’s the one that will defeat them all when the end is near.” It was almost as if she was looking through him, as if she was remembering a dark memory from her past. “So…do not ever say that again. There is much pride in being a Dominant; that is important.”
Joshua didn’t oppose her and instead nodded his head obediently, too afraid to say anything else.
She moved her hand off his chin to pick up a water vase nearby and Joshua turned back around to look off at the water before him. Anabella placed the vase in the bath, filling it with water, and then poured it over his head to continue washing him. She did this a few times before speaking again.
“It doesn’t do you any good to watch him all these days, you know. It just makes you weaker. You possess things he will never have; you do not need to learn how to train like he does.”
Joshua tried not to gulp too loudly, thinking about the fact that he didn’t go to watch Clive train just to learn about fighting.
“I know, mother, but I like watching Clive with the other soldiers. He’s really good, and Lord Murdoch seems to like him a lot as well. Everyone does. And the way he uses the blessing of the Phoenix-”
Anabella clicked her teeth with a tsk and forcefully placed the water vase down beside her. “He bastardizes the blessing, Joshua, he knows nothing of how to utilize it properly. The power is not his, it will never be. He will only borrow it and then one day use it against you.” Anger resounded in her voice and she took a deep breath to calm herself. “He will try to surpass you, but his attempts will end in failure. That is the way of men who try to defy their purpose. Or lack thereof.”
Joshua couldn’t comprehend his mother’s words at all. It was as if she never knew Clive. Never watched him, never spoke to him, never saw how he treated those around him. There was nothing to despise about Clive. And yet. Joshua grew tired of his mother’s gripes, seeing now that she was truly lost to ever seeing how good of a person Clive was.
“I don’t think that’s true; he says he loves me. He says he wants to protect me, he says-“
“Joshua!” Anabella shouted, her eyes large and commanding.
She didn’t have to say anything further. Joshua understood. He had pushed it too far. He knew there was no winning against his mother when she was insistent on putting Clive down.
He looked down at the water, imagining himself dunking into it and blocking out the rest of the noise coming from up above. He squeezed his eyes shut and imagined himself somewhere else. In another kingdom where he didn’t have to listen to his mother ever again.
She let her words linger for a while, letting them brew in the air. She continued gathering the water and running it over his head, Joshua trying to remember the warmth of the bath before his mother came in and interrupted his peace.
There was a long silence between them, and Joshua tried to keep from busying himself with his mother’s thoughtless words. Clive would never try to hurt me. He still cares for me, doesn’t he? He still loves me. He still…
After a while Anabella set the water vase down next to her pillow and gently stretched her arms above her head. She resonated with the stillness in the room, as if methodically thinking through what she was going to say next, and then leaned coldly into Joshua’s ear.
“I know why you are always so quick to defend him,” she whispered. Joshua’s eyes grew wider.
“He loves on you…dotes on you deceivingly…he’s confused your mind. Corrupted it. And now, you see him in a different way. I always see you staring at him, Joshua. In the library, in the dining hall, in the solars…” She grabbed a piece of his golden hair and twirled it between her fingers. “I’m not sure why, there isn’t much to stare at.”
Joshua’s heart began to race, like he had been caught stealing treats from the kitchens before his evening meal. His face started to feel hot, and his body started to ache. He never stopped to think that someone might be watching him watch someone else. He hated feeling like he had done something wrong. The embarrassment started to rise in his chest and his eyes began to sting from the tears forming in them. He wanted to escape from his mother’s entrapment, but he had nowhere to run.
He liked the way Clive looked when he fought, how he appeared so comfortable, like nothing else in the world mattered except his opponent and his sword. He also liked the way his sweat dripped down his face, crawling down his neck, onto his chest, and down further to places Joshua could only imagine in his dreams.
Joshua knew the feelings were wrong. He knew he should feel ashamed that he thought things that should only be reserved for those you wish to court. He wished that the way Clive’s presence around him made him feel was normal, that it was cherished and accepted. But he knew it wasn’t, and his mother practically pinching the point into him even further made him want to slap these illicit feelings away like a nagging bug.
Joshua started to feel sick.
He squeezed his knee under the water to calm himself down and closed his eyes. It’s ok, Joshua, it’s ok, he repeated to himself. He imagined it was Clive saying it to him. This only made the pain worse, and he felt the first warmth of a tear fall down his cheek.
His mother didn’t stop twisting his hair in her hands, almost as if she was enjoying making Joshua doubt himself. She only stopped to place a kiss atop his hair, then leaned her chin against his head and closed her eyes. “You should really be careful with your feelings, my darling. He might be doting on you now, but those feelings fade. Especially when there’s a pretty, albeit simple, young girl there to take away all his attention.”
Joshua let out a meager sniffle and tried his hardest to keep the rest of the tears in his eyes. He hated that he was allowing his mother to convince him of his greatest fear: that his loving brother was getting older, stronger, and more handsome by the day, and Joshua wasn’t the only one in the center of his world anymore.
Anabella wrapped her arms around his shoulders in a hollow hug and gave him another kiss. She rocked with him a bit, humming something as if she hadn’t said anything at all. Joshua felt like he was about to break, but he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He bit his lip to not let out a whimper, forcing himself to think about something else. Anything else.
When she finally felt satisfied with what she had accomplished, she stood up from the pillow, picked up the water vase, and then placed it on a nearby stool. She then walked nonchalantly across the room, towards the door, and paused there for a moment.
After she heard Joshua sniffle ever so softly, she turned back to him with a dark, deceiving look in her eyes before opening the door.
“Oh, my loving boy,” she stated with false sympathy, “I hate to see you sad. See what he does to you? You are tearful over him, but what do you think he’s doing right now? I’m sure the ward can answer that for you later.”
In a second Joshua was left in the quiet room by himself. He sucked in a large gulp of air before he released a fury of tears, folding into himself in the now cold bath water.
--------------------
The next day, Joshua mostly kept to himself. He learned later that evening that Clive was given his first command by their father and was sent on a mission to the Stillwind Marshes earlier that day, easily defeating a Morbol with Sir Wade and Sir Tyler. This gained him praise and admiration from the other soldiers once he returned; and, to Joshua’s unavoidable notice, a considerable amount of attention from Jill.
Joshua tried to evade getting caught in the flurry of excitement surrounding the news, worried that if he followed Clive around, he would appear clingy. If his mother noticed, others would notice as well. But his efforts were in vain, as Clive inevitably found him, swooping him up into a big hug and gushing eagerly about his adventures in the marshland.
Joshua’s heartbeat was a little smoother when he listened to Clive. He couldn’t help it. It always was when Clive lavished him with his time. But he was not quite able to free himself from the emotions he was struggling with inside. And so, he escaped Clive’s hold as quickly as he could and isolated himself in his room. And the battle persisted.
Joshua also learned later that same evening that his father, Elwin Rosfield, Archduke of Rosaria, was anticipating a potential war with the neighboring Iron Kingdom over their disputed claim to Drake’s Breath. In preparation for their travels to the Mothercrystal to take back what Elwin believed rightfully belonged to Rosaria, plans were made to take Joshua, as the Dominant of Fire, along with Clive, as Joshua’s First Shield, to the Apodytery at Phoenix Gate.
There, Joshua would listen to the words of their ancestors as tradition dictated before the Rosarian army was set to travel to the Iron Kingdom.
They set for the long and treacherous travel to Phoenix Gate the next day. Joshua and Elwin went first, accompanied by the Shields of Rosaria, while Clive, Sir Wade, and Sir Tyler followed as a second group later the same day. Enemies were abundant and the weather was ever changing. It was not an easy feat, but even given their less-than-desirable circumstances, both groups were able to easily defeat all enemies that they encountered. This was where they could truly show off what they had learned from the many months and years of training.
It made Joshua proud to see them nobly defend him and their Archduke; to put the safety of the Dominant above their own, determined to fight to the death even when the odds were stacked against them.
Joshua wanted to drift into these feelings of pride and camaraderie. Live in it for a while. But the haunting memories from the day in the baths came to stake their claim in the front of his mind again.
We belong here now, they told Joshua. He abided.
The first group eventually reached Phoenix Gate in a little under a fortnight, with Clive’s troop coming in a few hours later, making good time. They set up camp there, putting Elwin, Clive, and Joshua in the noble’s quarters on the upper floors, while the rest of the soldiers occupied the rooms on the lower floors. They spent the first day unloading food, cleaning the stables for the Chocobos, and organizing their plans for their eventual trek to the Iron Kingdom.
Joshua busied himself in a quiet room for most of the first day, trying to avoid the others as much as he could and using the time to prepare himself for his descent into the Apodytery. He heard Clive calling for him once, but he stayed silent, not yet ready to face him and accept how he had been feeling the past few weeks.
Day turned into night. The soldiers continued to work around the castle until dinner was made, and once it was, they gathered in the dining hall outside to enjoy the food that was prepared. Elwin came for Joshua to escort him there, finally getting him out of his room and around the other Rosarian men.
Joshua didn’t want to feel antisocial, and he truly did appreciate how much everyone had been working to make this all worthwhile, but his deflation hadn’t been erased yet and he still had to drag himself to dinner.
There were various tables scattered around the outdoor hall. Joshua sat with Elwin at the main table while Clive joined his fellow soldiers at another. The men ate and chatted merrily, feeling elated after defeating the beasts that threatened their travel there.
Joshua watched as the men fed off each other’s energy. Drinking. Laughing. Singing songs passed down to them from the men who came before them. The air felt lighter. There was a nice breeze blowing through their hair.
All seemed well.
Joshua started to loosen a little.
He tried to keep his eyes on his food, but he couldn’t help but steal quick glances Clive’s way. Clive looked like he was enjoying himself. He had an arm draped freely around Sir Tyler’s shoulder as Sir Wade told the tale of their fight against the Morbol again, not so subtly exaggerating a detail or two. The men hollered with laughter, throwing their cups full of ale in the air, eating up every extravagant detail.
They seemed to be pleased with themselves, with each other. Brethren united by something greater than themselves. Doing their duty for something that would allow them to feel pride in their home. Joshua closed his eyes for a second, embracing the banter from his fellow soldiers.
When he opened them, he met Clive’s eyes. There was a glistening in them. Clive held his gaze for a moment, just long enough to express ‘It’s good to see you…’, before looking away to join back in the commotion around him.
In that moment, Joshua felt regret. It was the second time he felt that way in the past few days and it clawed at his throat. Something welled there and he looked back down at his plate. It was hard to see through the tears forming. Joshua pulled himself together and looked over at his father next to him who didn’t seem to notice.
“Can I please excuse myself for a moment, father?” he asked as he got up from the table.
“Of course, Joshua. But hurry back, you don’t want to miss any of Sir Wade’s stories.”
“No father, I don’t.”
He stepped back from the table and walked out of the dining hall to the quiet within the castle. He moved through a few of the rooms, trying to find his way to another area outside where he could sit and look at the stars for a while. He got a bit lost, given that he was unable to familiarize himself with the castle earlier, but he finally emerged in what appeared to be a garden area.
He took a seat on the steps leading from the castle into the garden and leaned back onto his hands, looking up at the dark sky above. I can’t wait to be up there one day. The Phoenix will take me.
Joshua sat by himself for a long while, pushing everything out of his mind and only thinking of the stars and the moon above. He felt comfortable there. Alone. No intrusive thoughts. No worries about what was to come the next day.
He felt himself getting sleepy, realizing he had probably been gone for quite a while. His father must have been worried about him, but he was most likely a few ales deep and enjoying new tales from Sir Wade and the others. Joshua moved to stand and head up to his room when he heard a door open behind him.
Thinking that it surely must be his father coming to collect him for bed, Joshua turned to find instead a young man with his hands on his hips.
“Clive,” Joshua said, greeting the figure before him.
Clive walked down the steps and sat next to him. He placed his hands in his lap, turning to face Joshua after looking at the garden around him. “I’m surprised anyone still tends to this place.”
Joshua stayed silent but nodded his head in agreement. Suddenly his sleepiness was gone and his heart thumped a little faster than it had before. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to think. Various emotions started to rush him at once and his breathing got a little faster, a little heavier, a little-
“I looked for you earlier,” Clive said, softly.
Joshua’s heart stopped for a moment. “I’m sorry, I was tired. The travel was long, and I didn’t get much rest.”
“Yes, you’re right. I’m sure it did tire you, Joshua. You need to be well rested for the Apodytery tomorrow morning.”
Joshua nodded again.
He was alone with Clive now. The person he felt most comfortable with in the entire world. No one else was watching. He could just be himself. He could relax.
So why did it feel like his mother was standing over him, her claws on his shoulder?
“Are you nervous?” Clive asked.
Joshua shuddered.
Clive made him nervous, yes. Made him feel things he didn’t fully understand yet. But Joshua knew that wasn’t what he meant. “A little. I know this is what I am meant to do, and I know it’ll be ok, but I’m- I’m not sure what I’m going to find in the Apodytery.”
“It’s ok to feel afraid,” Clive offered supportively, “but no one who has ever gone in there has ever been hurt. And you know I am here as your Shield to protect you. It’s my duty.”
Joshua felt comforted by his words. He liked it when Clive tried to soothe him.
“What if this time it’s different? What if something does happen in there and I’m all alone?”
“Joshua,” Clive started, placing his hand on Joshua’s knee, “I am right here. You are never alone.”
There was a stir somewhere deep in Joshua’s belly. It began to climb up to his lungs, making it a little harder to breathe.
“At the ceremony, when you blessed me with the power of the Phoenix,” Clive continued, “that was the proudest I have ever been. I have never been more proud to be your brother, your defender, and now, your First Shield. You see me train almost every day. That is for you, Joshua. That is to make sure no one can ever hurt.” There was something in Clive’s eyes now, something deeper that Joshua had only seen when Clive was at his most vulnerable. “That is my pledge to you.”
Joshua exhaled. He felt a bit dizzy, Clive’s words erupting something in him that he had only felt a handful of times. It was exhilarating.
“I believe you,” Joshua replied.
Clive didn’t release his gaze. He just stared easily at Joshua for a while. There was something between them that made this effortless. No awkwardness. No temptation to look away. Just a longing to look into each other’s eyes.
The air began to get cooler outside. Joshua could no longer hear faint chatter from the outside dining hall nearby. The men must be readying for bed. There wasn’t much time left between the two of them. Just a few moments left to be exchanged.
The scene in the baths crept back into Joshua’s mind. It was something he was afraid to address with Clive. Something he suddenly felt the urge to tell him but didn’t want him to know too many details about. Joshua looked down at Clive’s hand on his knee, then looked back up at him.
“I spoke with mother in the baths the day she made me come inside, the day before we left for here.”
“Oh?”
“She spoke to me about my gift and about being a Dominant. And about you.”
“Oh.”
“She… I-I don’t know. Tried to warn me it seemed.”
“Warn you?”
“Yes.”
“About me?” Clive’s eyebrows furrowed inward, a grimace forming on his face.
“Well, kind of, yes, about you. She said that-that you’ll love me now, but the feelings will go away. She said that you will try to use your blessing against me one day. She said it’s the way of men.” Joshua didn’t want to tell Clive that their mother implied it was the way of men with no purpose. His intentions weren’t to hurt him.
Clive contemplated what Joshua had told him, the grimace only growing clearer on his face. He looked frustrated. Angry even. Joshua didn’t want to offend Clive, but he believed he had the right to know. And a small part of him selfishly needed Clive to cast away the uncertainty his mother had implanted in his mind.
“She only speaks this way,” Clive said intently, “because she was loved once, and that is now lost. There is nothing left to love of her.”
The response startled him. Joshua had never heard his brother use such cruel words against their mother. He didn’t think he had ever heard him use such cruel words against anyone. Clive had his hand clenched in a tight ball on Joshua’s leg. He worried he shouldn’t have said anything at all.
“There is nothing in this world that can make me stop loving you. Nothing you can do, nothing you can say. You can take the blessing away from me, Joshua, and I would still cherish you. There is nothing I want more than your happiness. That is all. I would never take that away from you.”
“Brother,” Joshua murmured.
“I called for you earlier, but I couldn’t find you. It had been almost two weeks since we last saw each other, and I just needed to see your face. I needed to see that you were safe. There is no one else in the world I feel that way about.”
Not even Jill? Joshua wondered but didn’t ask.
Instead, he responded, “Clive. I didn’t know you felt that way, you never told me.”
“There’s a lot of things I don’t tell you, Joshua,” Clive said, looking down. “There are things that you have no idea that I feel.”
Joshua wanted to know more but didn’t want to push him. He could see in Clive’s eyes that there was something buried there, something he wanted to keep shut. He searched his face, but he couldn’t quite seem to find what it was.
As Clive stayed silent, Joshua realized that there were so many things he could say to him at that moment. He wanted to tell him that he thought about him when he woke up in the morning, when he went for his studies during the day, and when he rested his head for bed at night. He wanted to confess how he truly felt. Confess what he truly wanted. He had so many desires and yearnings that he was not even sure he had the words to properly articulate them all.
But there was still something there holding him back. Some place that he couldn’t fully reach just yet. There was a shame there that he knew he would never be able to overcome if Clive didn’t receive him the way Joshua needed him to.
And so, Joshua kept his feelings to himself. They were similar in that way, the two of them.
He did, however, hold both of Clive’s hands in his and smiled. “It’s ok, Clive. You don’t have to tell me.”
The stir that once existed in Joshua’s lungs had gone through his whole body now, and he felt closer to Clive than he ever had before. His ears burned with admiration and validation. He felt what Clive had told him. He believed him. There was nothing else Clive had to say. This was enough. He didn’t feel the weight of his mother anymore. He felt free. The apparition of Anabella was no longer there.
Clive smiled, taking his hand and placing it on Joshua’s right cheek. He rubbed his cheekbone with his thumb. Joshua fought the new sensation gathering below his waist.
They had been like this before. Clive comforting Joshua with a hand on his face, Joshua drifting into his touch. They were used to each other now, knowing when it was okay to be close, to be intimate. This time felt similar to the times before, but there was something slightly different. Something that made Joshua question if there was something more to how Clive felt.
Something that made him wonder.
“When I look into your eyes, Joshua, I see the Phoenix burning brightly. Brighter than any other force around us. You have a fire in you that cannot be extinguished. That is your gift.” Clive placed his other hand on Joshua’s left arm.
Joshua’s cheeks began to redden.
“Really?” Joshua asked impatiently.
“Undoubtedly.”
Joshua could stare into his brother’s eyes like this for the rest of his life. Feel his thumb draw across his cheek. Feel his hand go up and down his arm. Feel his eyes trace over his face. He could live in this moment forever.
But the moment didn’t last.
As if commanded by some being who could sense something was brewing there, there was a noise at the door behind them. Clive dropped his hands to his sides quickly and looked to see who had joined them. Joshua’s eyes lingered on Clive for a second longer before he, too, was taken out of his trance.
“Lord Rosfield, Prince Joshua. I am sorry to interrupt you. Lord Elwin is looking for you both. He wanted me to report that he wants Joshua to come to bed.”
The soldier was standing respectfully by the door, making no indication that he had noticed anything happening between the two of them.
“Of course. Let’s go inside Joshua.”
Clive led them both to the upper floors where their separate bedrooms were, holding Joshua’s hand along the way. Once they reached Joshua’s room, Joshua turned around and leaned his back against the door, Clive facing him.
“Goodnight Clive.”
“Sleep well, Joshua.”
Clive grabbed his left earlobe, giving it a soft tug, before placing a kiss on his forehead. He held it there for a second longer than he usually would, then moved back.
“I’ll see you in the morning. It’ll be a big day, but remember, I’ll be by your side.”
Clive gave him a wink and then turned around, going off to find the other men.
Once Clive was out of view, Joshua sighed deeply, finally expelling all that he had pent up over the past two weeks, before turning into his room to sleep peacefully.
--------------------
Joshua was only able to get a few hours of sleep before he smelled something heavy in the air, as if someone was roasting wood. He heard scurrying outside of his door and he sleepily got out of his bed, putting on his clothes. As he moved towards the door to see what was going on outside, Sir Wade burst into his room.
“I am sorry to disturb you, my Prince, but the castle is under attack. We must leave now.”
“Under attack?” Joshua asked, but there was no time for an explanation as Sir Wade grabbed his hand and hurried him out of his room.
Once out of the sleeping quarters, Joshua saw for the first time the destruction around him. Chairs thrown here, glasses shattered there, fire burning everything around them. It was chaos, and there was hardly any time to process what was going on as the intruders actively ravaged everything around them.
Sir Wade and Joshua fought them off, Joshua casting fire and handily taking out the enemies surrounding them. They fought through various groups of them before finally reaching a room with no one inside. Joshua had never seen something like this so close to home. Bodies everywhere, blood on the walls. It was terrible, and he was immediately worried about where his family might be.
“Where are father and Clive?” he asked worriedly, catching his breath.
“They were safe last I saw them, trying to fight off some of the attackers. I came to get you once I saw they could handle themselves for a while. I am sure they are fine, my Prince.”
Joshua didn’t like to think of the possibility of something happening to them. He needed confirmation. He raced to the door to go look for them, and as he pulled it open, Lord Murdoch pushed it in at the same time, with Lord Elwin and Clive following closely behind.
“Clive!” Joshua exclaimed.
Clive ran to him and picked him up into a hug. “Joshua, thank the Founder. I was so worried.” He put him back down and turned to Sir Wade. “Thank you for getting him to safety. I owe you my life.”
Sir Wade bowed and Lord Elwin gave him a clap on his shoulder. “Thank you, Sir Wade, for your service to the Dominant. And now, we must leave the castle as quickly as we can. It is not safe.”
“Yes, Your Grace,” Clive said. “There is the back gate that is heavily guarded and will surely be free of the enemy for now. Joshua, you are to go there with father and get back to Rosalith.”
“But I want to be with you, Clive!” Joshua cried. He couldn’t imagine leaving Clive at this moment. The pain of not knowing his fate for days or weeks would be unbearable.
Clive pulled Joshua off to the side and knelt in front of him, putting both hands on his shoulders and giving them an assuring squeeze.
“I know this is difficult for you, but you must remember what I told you last night. I am always there with you.” Clive placed his right hand on Joshua’s heart. “You feel that in your chest right now? That’s me. As your heart beats, mine beats with it. You just need to hold your hand right here and remember that. Always.”
Joshua’s eyes filled with tears and he placed his hand over Clive’s. Things were happening too quickly. It was all so sudden. He didn’t have time to think, to understand what was going on. One second he was dreaming of his last moments in the gardens with Clive and the next he was being pulled from his bedroom to be led out of the castle. Who was attacking them? And why? This was an unexpected intrusion, he could see it in everyone’s eyes.
“But Clive-“, Joshua countered.
“Joshua, please. We don’t have much time. Go with father. I will follow behind as soon as I can.”
He gave Joshua a hug and a kiss on his forehead and then turned around to the others.
“Father, you will take Joshua to safety?”
“For my son, anything,” Lord Elwin replied. He walked over and took Joshua’s hand who reluctantly held his back.
They all reached a side door which led them to a courtyard where they could bid Joshua and Elwin farewell. The noises outside were loud with shouting and screaming, and the air was cold, but there were small wafts of fire escaping the castle which kept them decently warm. Elwin sent a stolas to Rosalith castle warning them of the attack. He gave Clive a pat on his arm and then began to walk the route to the back gate.
Joshua looked perplexed at his father. Were they really expected to leave like this? With no further goodbyes? Joshua couldn’t believe what was occurring. His heart felt like it was ripping apart. He turned to look back at Clive and Lord Murdoch who watched as he stood there bewildered by the events that were threatening to take him away from the one person he couldn’t imagine his life without.
“Joshua, please, hurry,” Clive pleaded. Unsure of what else to do, Joshua reluctantly followed behind his father as Clive and Lord Murdoch turned around to head back inside.
In that moment, all the things Joshua wished he could have told Clive the night before began to rush at him at once and he was filled with an inkling sense of remorse. Remorse for what could have been, for not giving Clive the benefit of the doubt in how he would have reacted. For not trusting that Clive would still love him and accept him no matter what he would have told him. What if Clive had embraced him and told him it was okay to feel the way that he did? What if he told him he had felt that way about someone once before, too? What if he told him he felt the same way towards Joshua now…
The force that was fighting his feelings, fighting his temptations, started to fade away and Joshua spun around, looking back at the castle doors.
“Clive, wait!” he shouted desperately.
But the wind carried the words and the doors to the castle closed in front of him.