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“This is awkward. Majorly awkward”.
A quiet chill runs through the darkening winter night. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t that James expected to be met with interest. In fact it was clear that Regulus would rather be anywhere else than here with the way he carried himself around James, spine straight and lips tight.
The silence between them stretched and expanded, taught like an over filled balloon waiting to burst. The bread crumbs tickled his frozen fingers, dropping chunks into the river and watching the ducks gobble them up.
“Oh I’m sorry, should I be falling at your feet, confessing my undying love for you
again?”
Regulus teased, his breath coming out as a wisp of smoke against the air.
Merlin, James loved how easy it was to rile him up. The way his eyebrows would bunch and his hooded eyes would glare at him. It was endearing, even. He threw a small sized chunk of bread at him, watched it hit his cheek, and oh if it wasn’t the warmest feeling in the entire fucking world to have Regulus’ attention.
“You know,” James bit his lip in thought. He turned away from the pond. The metal bar was cool against his back where he leaned on it.
It was his idea to go duck feeding, and he’d be damned if he said convincing Regulus to come was easy. But that didn’t stop him from trying.
“The ducks kind of remind me of you. Well- younger you, I guess. Before… uh, before- oh well, you know before yo-”
He tilted his head to look at Regulus, whose eyebrow was raised.
“Do you want to continue that sentence and join the ducks?”
Okay.
Okay, changing subjects it is.
This was really, undeniably, awkward. And painful. And so, so many other things. But he wanted to be here. Be next to Regulus. Hear him. Feel him. Look at him, just looking was enough too. Yeah, that would be enough.
“I really miss you, Reggie. I’m trying, I-I’m really trying here”.
This came out softer than James intended it to. Cars whirring by droned out the deafening silence around them. His heart settled heavily into his chest, wishing, just wishing, they could go back to whatever unlabeled situation they had a few months ago before Regulus just up and left.
“Can’t you just, I don’t know, just look at me,”
He knew he sounded desperate, but how couldn’t he? It felt colder. James was wrapped in layers upon layers of clothing but the silence he was met with injected an icy cold shiver into his bloodstream.
“ Please”.
Fuck, his nose was starting to tingle.
“Shut up. Just- just shut up.” Regulus hissed. He dropped the bread, thudding beside his feet, and put his face into his hands sighing.
Confusion and hurt plagued James’ mind but he gave Regulus the distance he was screaming for. He knew Regulus would do the same for him. Would he? James shoved that thought into the deepest part of his mind.
“Why…” he thought he heard something muffled from Regulus. James shuffled closer, “huh?” He whispered.
Regulus turned with his head still in his hands and, no, the hurt in his eyes weighed James' shoulder down. “Why are you still trying? Why? ”
Despite everything James grinned. Not the one he would when he won the quidditch games, or the one where he was dying from laughter, but one so warm and gentle and small . It absolutely hurts.
“Because you’re worth trying for.”
Because if anything, Regulus knew that when the sun came up everyday it was because James pulled it up for him.
James didn’t stop at that. He kept breaking Regulus apart without knowing. Without intentions.
“Because you could've told me that day that you needed a break; from us, from me, and I’d give you it. Regulus, need you to understand,”
His brain emptied from anything he could’ve said. He didn’t have to ask Regulus what he was thinking about because it was painted all over his face. Tears pooled under his eyelids and his cheeks were the embodiment of heated flesh. But for some reason James didn’t understand, he was hurt.
“that there’s nothing you could do that would make me want you any less than I do. Then I did yesterday, then I do right now,” he watched as Regulus exhaled with a shudder. “Then I will tomorrow. It’s you.”
Regulus wished the world stopped on its axis when he said that, but it didn’t. He hoped that his body would betray him and run into James with all his strength. He wanted to. But he couldn’t. Love? What is love? And why couldn’t he feel it?
He felt it sink in.
Why?
With shaking hands he walked closer to James, feeling his warm breath hitting his face. He intertwined his hands with James' and oh it was so warm. He wanted to bask in that warmth forever.
Why?
James released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. They spent what felt like hours looking into the hidden meanings behind each other's pupils. Softly, with gentleness sown into the edges, Regulus tipped his head to press his lips, cold and numb, against James’. Relishing it.
The nausea James was feeling washed over and away as soon as he felt Regulus squeeze his hand.
Was this the new beginning he was hoping for?
It took every bit of self restraint from James to not just explode. He smiled bashfully as Regulus parted. Until it fell.
“I hope you find someone who will catch the stars for you, James”.
His hair, the same ones James would card his fingers through at least three times a day in order to keep his sanity, fluttered on his forehead so sweetly. It was like they were purposefully shoving it in James’ face that were not yours to touch anymore.
“Tu est ni le soleil, ni le vent. Si j’étais fier,” He swallowed harshly, not understand Regulus’ whispered native language, but knowing what he meant deep down. “même si nous avions de la chance, je ne pourrais pas t’aimer..”
His name sounded so sweet coming from Regulus’ mouth. So why did it hurt?
But…
James spent forever on the edge of the pond thinking about what ifs, and how’s, and why’s. The ducks left by then, sensing no bread in the pond and skittering away to whatever home they had.
He was so sure Regulus understood. Or at least tried to.
Someone who will catch the stars for you