Archive of Our Own ^omega

The tour ended, and when they got back to Seoul, they were given a three-week holiday. They had all been excited when they got the news, but the reality was…less than stellar. Hyunjin did go home for the first week and enjoyed spending time with Kkami and having his parents dote on him.   

But he could only handle that for so long -- the simpering and making his favorite food and the absolute need to live in his back pocket made him feel claustrophobic after so long --  so at the top of the second week, he came back to the dorm. He figured he could paint and spend some time with Jisung. The last thing he could ever predict was opening the door to Chan riding Changbin on the weight bench in their living room and Jisung watching, eyes hooded and hand down his pants, from the couch.

“My eyes --!” he yelped and slapped a hand over his face.  

“Shit!” Jisung hopped off the couch, practically throwing a blanket over where Chan was trying to get off Changbin without hurting either of them. “You didn't tell us that you were coming back so soon.”

Hyunjin tried to tamp down on the hurt that flared in his chest. Don’t be so sensitive , he told himself. He didn’t mean it like that . Still, he couldn’t stop the snippy retort on his tongue: “Sorry. I didn't know I needed permission to come back to my own home.”

Jisung sighed, soft and sad and way too understanding. “Of course you don't.” He put a hand on Hyunjin's arm. “Here, let's let them get dressed.”

They ended up in Jisung's room, awkward, as they heard Changbin and Chan shuffling around in the living room, gathering their clothes. “So…you and them?” 

Jisung blushed. “It's…complicated.” When Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at him, he sighed. “It started while we were on tour. I'm too chicken-shit to let either of them touch me for real, but I like watching them together and helping with the aftercare.” 

Hyunjin had so many questions that he wasn’t sure he really wanted the answers to. “Are you happy?” he asked instead.

Jisung shrugged, but there was a soft smile curling at the corner of his mouth. “It's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me,” he said, “but I don't want to die anymore, so I figure that's a good thing, right?”

Hyunjin wrapped him in a hug and held on tight. “I'm glad, Sungie.” He had spent the entirety of the tour worrying about the younger man, never wanting to leave him alone for more than a few minutes for fear of what might happen, so whatever he needed to do to want to live again, Hyunjin was supportive. 

There was a knock, and Chan appeared at the threshold of the door. He looked bashful. “Sorry you saw that, Hyun,” he said.

“I'm not!” Changbin called from behind him. “I'm hot as hell, and everyone should know it!”

Laughter bubbled from Hyunjin’s throat, even as Chan and Jisung groaned. “I can appreciate your beauty without seeing your dick.”

Changbin scoffed. “Channie was sitting on it. You couldn’t see shit.”

“Okay!” Chan barked, now bright red. “That’s enough of that.” He looked at Hyunjin. “We’ll keep out of the communal spaces from now on, yeah?”

Hyunjin nodded, but there was another pang in his chest. He didn’t want to fuck 3racha. The thought had literally never entered his mind, but the idea of being left out of something that was going on in the dorm hurt his feelings. That’s pathetic, Hwang . “Thanks, hyung.” 

“Dinner?” Jisung suggested. “We can order chicken.”

Changbin hooted in agreement, and they pushed through the lingering awkwardness as best they could. While Chan ordered their dinner, Hyunjin got his bags settled in his room. Jisung lay stretched across his bed. “Have you heard from the others at all?” 

“Felix is the only one at the dorm right now. Jeongin went to Busan the same time you went home.” Hyunjin heard him take a breath. “Minho took Seungmin home to meet his cats.”

Hyunjin paused in his unpacking. “Are you okay with that?”

Jisung snorted and rolled onto his front. “Hyung and I are in a better place than before,” he said, face muffled in a pillow. 

“But?”

He picked his face up out of the pillow. “But a part of me wants to take a hammer to Kim Seungmin’s teeth thinking about him at home with Minho, making nice with the babies and charming his mother.” He sighed. “I’m a terrible person.”

“Sungie --”

“I know I’m allowed to feel how I feel. Park-nim and Chan both hammered that home for me, okay? But I don’t want to hate Seungmin. It’s not his fault that Minho and I didn’t work out, and I have said over and over that I want Minho to be happy. To get mad about it now would be hypocritical as fuck.” He sat up, and Hyunjin couldn’t help but coo at how cute he looked. “So, I asked if they would go to dinner with me when they came back tomorrow. Minho offered to cook at the dorm instead.” 

Hyunjin tried to keep his face from scrunching, but he could feel it in his forehead. “Is that such a good idea?”

Jisung laughed self-deprecatingly. “Probably not, but I’ve got to do something, Hyun. I can’t stand it like it is.”

Hyunjin had to admire the younger man. He was far braver than Hyunjin ever was: he was still doing the most to avoid being around Jeongin in private, and even after he apologized to Felix during the tour, he wasn’t jumping to hang out with him either. “Do you want me to come with you?” The words were out of his mouth before he even realized what he’d said. 

Jisung, for his part, looked equally surprised. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes and scoffed. “It’s dinner with our friends, Sung. How bad could it possibly be?”

Famous last words, right?

***

Hyunjin didn’t realize that he hadn’t stepped foot in the other dorm since before everything fell apart between him and Jeongin until he was standing in front of their door. His heart kicked in his chest, and he must have looked nervous because Jisung put his hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

No . “I’m fine. It’s just dinner.” He tried to sound nonchalant, but the tension in his shoulders was almost painful. “Let’s just go inside.”

Jisung punched in the door code. “Hyung!” he called without taking a step inside. “We’re here!”

Minho poked his head out from the kitchen. “Come in,” he said. “What are you doing, standing outside like that?”

“Just wanted to make sure everyone was decent.”

Minho looked completely unimpressed. “What do you think Seungmin and I are going to get up to in the living room, Jisungie?”

Hyunjin snorted, and Jisung turned a bright, brilliant pink. “Oh, you should ask Chan and Changbin about that, hyung,” he said. “They could probably give you some ideas.” 

The older’s mouth dropped open, clearly unsure of what to say. “That…uh…”

“Please don’t traumatize him this early in the evening.” Seungmin had come down the hall at the noise. 

Jisung painted a smile onto his face. “No promises.” He was trying for a joking tone, but it fell flat. They all dutifully ignored it, and Minho ushered them to the kitchen table. 

As Seungmin brought over the dishes that Minho had prepared, Jeongin came out of his room, struggling to strap a watch to his wrist. “Hyung, could you help --?” His mouth snapped shut as he took in Hyunjin and Jisung. “What are you doing here?”

“Eating dinner,” Hyunjin said, though the roiling in his stomach was going to make that impossible now. “I thought you were in Busan.”

“I got back this morning.” He drew himself up to his full height and straightened his shoulders. A bolt of want ran through Hyunjin: he tried hard to not ogle the younger man. He had dressed in that casually fashionable way of his: his navy fox sweater over jeans and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Adorably sexy. “I have a date.”

The world tilted on its axis, and Hyunjin closed his hand into a fist, digging his nails into his palm, in order to keep from tilting along with it. “That’s --” Devastating. Heartbreaking. Completely fucking awful, even if it was entirely warranted. He swallowed hard. “I hope you have a great time.”

Jeongin narrowed his eyes. “It’s not really any of your business, is it?”

“It’s not,” Hyunjin agreed and felt his palm go slick. His fingernails had bitten through his skin. 

“Innie,” Minho admonished softly. “Hyunjinnie was telling you to have a good time. He wasn’t trying to interrogate you. Be more polite.”

Jeongin opened his mouth to, no doubt, say something rude to their hyung, but Hyunjin cut him off. “He doesn’t have to, hyung. I don’t deserve politeness from him. I’m just lucky that he still agrees to perform with me.”

The fire banked in Jeongin’s eyes; his shoulders slumped. For one, hopeful second, Hyunjin thought he might say something, but then there was a knock on the door. Jeongin rushed to answer it. “You could have just texted me,” they heard him say. “I would have met you downstairs.”

Kwak Jiseok stepped into view. His eyes were all for Jeongin: Hyunjin wanted to hate the smile on his face, but he looked so soft . Like he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be standing in front of their maknae. Hyunjin had no idea that Jeongin knew any of the Xdinary Heroes members. When did that happen?

 “My mother would never forgive me if I wasn’t a gentleman after I was the one who asked you out, hyung,” Jiseok all but cooed. He noticed the table full of people and dropped his head in greeting. “Good evening. I hope you don't mind my stealing Jeongin-hyung for the night.”

Bile splashed the back of Hyunjin’s throat. He pasted his performance smile to his lips and nodded along with everyone else as the pair shuffled out of the dorm. “What the hell did you do!?” Jisung grabbed his arm, and Hyunjin realized just how much his hand was bleeding; it ran down his wrist and dripped onto the table. 

“I didn’t --” Hyunjin opened his hand; his palm stung. “Shit.” He reached for a napkin and squeezed his hand closed. “Sorry.”

“Hyun -”

He pushed away from the table. “I need to go. Are you going to be alright?” he asked Jisung.

“We won't eat him,” Minho said, clearly offended.

Hyunjin ignored him. “Jisung?”

The younger nodded. “I'll be fine. Go.” He shooed Hyunjin away. “I’ll see you at home later.” 

Although he knew that he was being a coward for leaving Jisung on his own after promising to support him, Hyunjin fled the dorm and nearly barreled into Felix as he came down the stairs. “Oh, Yongbok, I'm sorry -”

Felix shrugged. “I'm fine. Where are you going so fast?”

“I --” Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair. “I came to support Jisung through his dinner with hyung and Seungmin, but I ran into Jeongin.”

Felix hummed softly. “He was going on a date tonight.”

“Yeah…Jiseok is a nice kid. I hope it works out.”

The smaller man stared at him. “Does lying make you feel better about the situation?” he asked. If it were anyone else, Hyunjin would accuse them of being cruel, but Felix didn't have the capacity for it anymore. 

“No,” Hyunjin admitted. 

“So, what’s the point of it?”

Goddamnit . Before his Hanahaki’s diagnosis, Felix was incredibly adept at reading people, Hyunjin especially, but he had this way of asking questions that would gently open up those around him. Now, though, his blunt honesty was like being wrenched open and shown his own insides. 

“It’s just…something to say, I guess, so I don’t scream.”

Felix’s eyes dipped down to where he was clutching the napkin in his palm. “So, you’d rather lie and hurt yourself?”

Hyunjin didn’t need this right now. He got enough of it from Chan at home, and it was so hard to even look at Felix, let alone talk to him about this. “If I don’t talk about it, then I can pretend that I can still fix it,” he said, no louder than a whisper. 

“You can still fix it.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “I can’t,” he insisted. “It’s been too long, and I never really explained, and I --” He looked at Felix, and the guilt that had taken residence in his gut ever since Minho told them who Felix had fallen in love with bloomed anew. “I don’t deserve him.”

“Because of what happened to me?” Felix asked. He and Felix had skirted the topic before. He’d apologized on the flight from Korea to the United States for everything, and Felix had accepted his apology, even while he insisted that there was nothing to forgive. But Hyunjin hadn’t truly explained himself or how he was feeling about the whole thing, and Felix had never really asked. It was like they had an unwritten rule to not bring it up. 

“I feel like I led you on,” Hyunjin said. “Everything that happened to you was my fault, and I was so wrapped up in Jeongin that I couldn’t see it.”

“You were dating him,” Felix pointed out. His voice, which had been flat and unaffected for months, seemed to have a lilt to it now. Like if he pushed hard enough, Hyunjin would find whatever emotions have been hiding from them. You’re going crazy . “You were doing exactly what you were supposed to do.”

He shook his head, vehement. “I should have seen it.” An ugly feeling welled up in his chest. He wanted to hit something. Scream, maybe. Anything to get that feeling out. “Yongbok, I --” He clicked his tongue against his teeth, irritated and itchy in his own skin. 

“This isn’t just guilt.” Felix was studying him hard, like he was seeing something in Hyunjin’s face that hadn't been there before. “Is it?”

Hyunjin could deny it. Even if Felix knew that he was lying, it wouldn’t hurt his feelings…but even as he opened his mouth to deny it, he couldn’t do it. “No,” he said. “It’s not just guilt.” 

Felix was quiet for a moment. His shoes scuffed against the stairs. “Were you in love with me?” That lilt, that hint of something , was back in his voice. 

Hyunjin sank his teeth into his bottom lip; he let his hair fall into his face so that he didn’t have to look into the younger’s angelic face. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “At the time, I would have said no, but you’re right, this isn’t just guilt. It’s --”

“Heartbreak,” Felix filled in for him.

Tears stung behind his eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

Felix’s eyebrows crinkled in the middle for just a second, but then it smoothed away again. “Why are you apologizing?”

Hyunjin didn’t know how to articulate the pain in his chest. “I’m sorry for only realizing how I felt after it was too late,” he said slowly, tripping over his words. “Polyamory is a thing, and I know that, but I never saw myself having feelings for more than one person at a time, so when I fell in love with Jeongin, I thought that was it, so I didn’t see it, and I didn’t --” He couldn’t pull in a proper breath; black spots danced in front of his vision. Felix put a hand on his cheek, and while Hyunjin wrenched away like the touch would burn him, it did help him to focus again. “I ruined your life, and I broke Innie’s heart, and I’m sorry .”

Hyunjin ran before Felix could say anything else. He could imagine it: Felix would say that he didn’t need forgiveness again, and Hyunjin would be left with that bereft, empty feeling like before. He didn’t want that. He wanted to be told the truth for once: that his selfishness had ruined all of their lives. 

He shouldn’t have come back from hiatus. They did just fine without him -- they won Kingdom without him! Hyunjin should have just gone back to being a normal person. It would have kept all of this from happening. 

Although going back to the dorm meant the chance of running into Chan or Changbin -- or both -- Hyunjin wanted to be in the quiet of his room. He kept his head down the whole walk back, keeping his eyes on the sidewalk as he wove around people. 

Blessedly, Chan and Changbin were gone when he got back to the dorm. Hyunjin went to the bathroom and pulled out the first aid kit and, almost mechanically, cleaned his hand. His nails had ripped jagged holes in his palms; they were already scabbing over. He slathered them in antibacterial ointment and covered them.

He played with the idea of making a bowl of ramyeon, but he wasn’t sure if his stomach could take it. Instead, he went to his room and shut the door, intent on crawling into bed and sleeping until someone forced him to do otherwise. 

Hyunjin shed his clothes, not bothering to kick them into his laundry basket, and slipped between his sheets and pulled the pillow over his face. 

***

Someone was pounding on the door. Hyunjin groaned and rolled over; he was going to kill whoever was bothering him. “Go away!”

The pounding only got louder. “Open the door, Hwang Hyunjin!” It was Jeongin. Hyunjin nearly brained himself on his nightstand rolling out of bed, nearly tripped on the clothes he’d left on the floor, but he was able to swing the door open without causing himself any further injury. Go, me . 

Jeongin’s lips were twisted in a sneer. Like they were mid-fight already. “Innie? What are you doing --?”

Jeongin slammed his mouth against Hyunjin’s, cutting off his question. For a split-second, everything stopped. Shock raced down his spine. It was like all of the things that Hyunjin had forced himself not to think, not to feel, for months came back online. He jerked, gasped, and Jeongin’s tongue slipped into his mouth, reclaiming it as his own.

The younger’s fingers slipped into Hyunjin’s hair, gripped it painfully, and Hyunjin moaned helplessly. “ Innie .”

Jeongin reared back enough to sneer at him. “Shut. Up.” And then, they were kissing again. He pushed Hyunjin back and wrestled him down onto the bed. His lips trailed down Hyunjin’s throat; his teeth nipped at the sensitive skin, and Hyunjin keened softly. “Do you know how crazy you make me?” Jeongin growled in his ear. 

“I’m so--”

He bit down on Hyunjin’s pulse point, sucking there until he was sure that he was going to bruise. The thought made his head swim. “I kissed Jiseok tonight,” Jeongin said, whispering the words even as he bit more marks into Hyunjin’s skin. The words were like knives, stabbing and twisting into his guts. His eyes stung with tears; he couldn’t stop them from trickling down his face. “He’s sweet and hot and a great kisser.” He set his teeth, hard, into the meat of Hyunjin’s shoulder, forcing a cry from his throat. “So, why did I think of you the whole time, huh?”

Hyunjin’s heart was battering itself against his ribs. He cried harder, clinging to Jeongin like the younger might disappear at any second. “Innie --”

Jeongin pulled back; the look on his face was somewhere between venom and desperation. He wanted Hyunjin, it was clear, but he hated him too. “I want you,” he said, spitting the words like they were curses. “I always want you.”

Hyunjin swallowed hard: he could push the younger away. He could stop this here and now…but not having Jeongin was like not having a limb. A piece of him had been missing, and now he had the chance to have it again. Even if he didn’t deserve it. Even if it was going to hurt later. He leaned up and pressed a kiss to Jeongin’s lips, soft and seeking. “I want you too,” he murmured, voice hoarse. “I’ve never not wanted you. Never not loved you.”

Jeongin sat back and pulled his sweater over his head and threw it to the ground. Hyunjin’s mouth filled with saliva. God, but he’s beautiful . “Tell me to stop,” Jeongin said, half-pleading but reaching for the button of his jeans. “Tell me that we can’t do this.” 

He should. He absolutely should, but Hyunjin shook his head. “No,” he murmured. “Want it. Want you .” 

The rest of Jeongin’s clothes -- and Hyunjin’s boxers -- ended up on the floor, and Jeongin flipped him roughly onto his front. He held Hyunjin down with one hand between his shoulder blades as he reached into the nightstand. He chuckled, a mean little sound, when he found Hyunjin’s lube. “Same place as always, hyung?”

Hyunjin tried to shrug, but he couldn’t manage it in this position. “I’m a creature of habit,” he said in his own defense. He heard the faint click of the bottle’s lid, and then Hyunjin felt a wet finger brush against him, soft and barely there. Oh, fuck . He hadn’t taken anything besides his own fingers in months, and he wanted it so bad. “Innie, please .” 

That soft touch pulled away. “What if --?” Hyunjin heard Jeongin’s jaw click: he was nervous. 

He glanced over his shoulder as best he could with Jeongin still pinning him. “What?”

“What if I don’t want you to cum?” he asked. “What if I just want to use you to get off?”

Hyunjin swallowed hard. Before all of this, back when they were happy and in love and couldn’t stand to keep their hands off each other, they had explored different kinks together, discovered a fair few they were interested in, and learned how to do them safely, but denial had never interested either of them, not even in a passing way.  

He could see this for what it was: punishment. Retribution for the way he’d pulverized Jeongin’s heart. His chest swelled at the idea. Maybe there was a way to earn forgiveness after all. “Okay.” 

“Really?”

He wriggled in Jeongin’s grip. “Use me,” he pleaded. “I want you to feel good.”

Jeongin’s fingers touched him again. He petted at Hyunjin’s rim until it relaxed for him, and then he pressed it inside. Hyunjin shuddered, whimpering at the stretch. “Be quiet,” the younger commanded. “Take what I give you.”

Hyunjin sank his teeth into his bottom lip, choking back the noises that rose in his throat as Jeongin stretched him. It was perfunctory, one finger and then two, pressing against his walls. The few times he brushed against his prostate were entirely accidental and not at all done to make him feel good; knowing that made Hyunjin’s abs pull tight. His head felt stuffed full of cotton. “Ready,” he panted, even though Jeongin would normally spend more time making sure that he was thoroughly stretched. Their maknae was not small. 

Jeongin paused. “You’re sure?”

Hyunjin nodded. “Please,” he murmured, and he swallowed a pained whine when Jeongin notched the head of his cock against his hole before pushing inside; he didn’t stop until his hips met Hyunjin’s ass. It hurt just as much as Hyunjin knew it would, but that only served to send him further into his own head. 

Jeongin paused for a second, enough for Hyunjin to catch his breath, and then he snapped his hips, knocking the air from Hyunjin’s lungs once more. The hand that Jeongin had between his shoulder didn’t move, kept him pinned, while he shoved himself, inelegant and rough, into the older’s body. 

Hyunjin was lost somewhere between pleasure and pain, and he could no longer hold back his cries as Jeongin drove into him, seeking his own pleasure with the single-minded determination that he normally reserved for making Hyunjin cum as many times as was physically possible. The difference was as heartbreaking as it was intoxicating.

Jeongin suddenly wrenched himself out of Hyunjin, ignoring the whimper that tore from the older’s throat, and turned him onto his back so that they were looking at one another. He brought Hyunjin’s legs up and practically folded him in half before pressing back inside. 

At this angle, Jeongin’s cock hit his prostate dead-on, and Hyunjin howled as pleasure roared through him. The younger smirked, mocking. “Oh? Is that the spot, hyung?” he asked, hitting Hyunjin hard and deep, in the exact way that drove him crazy.

“ Innie --!” he panted. He wanted to curl in on himself, protect himself against the pleasure, but Jeongin refused to allow it. Hyunjin’s muscles went tight and tighter: tears were on his cheeks again. “I’m gonna cum!”

Jeongin tsk -ed softly, not slowing down for a second. “You better not.”

He was openly weeping now: he wanted this all to stop but never stop. Push Jeongin away and hold him impossibly close. It was all too much, and every time Jeongin brushed over his swollen, abused prostate, there was that much less air in his lungs. “I…I can’t --! I’m going to --!” Jeongin reached down and wrapped a hand around the base of his cock, squeezing him, effectively keeping him from the orgasm that was unfurling in his groin. Hyunjin cried out, overwhelmed and overstimulated. “Oh, god , please, Innie --! Please !”

Jeongin ground his hips against Hyunjin. “Please what, hyung? Please stop? Please let you cum?” He was teasing, Hyunjin knew, but it sent more tears running down his face. He was stuck somewhere between this moment, in his bed, and floating off into the cosmos. “Hyunjin?” His pace slowed: Hyunjin all but wailed. He needed Jeongin to cum. A hand touched his face, bringing his eyes to focus. Jeongin’s face was painted with concern. “Hyunnie?”

The softness in his voice, after all of his harshness, made Hyunjin hiccup out a sob. It took him two tries to say, “Keep going.”

Jeongin studied him for a second before he picked up his pace again, though it was sloppier now. “M’close, okay?” he panted. “Hold on for me?” Hyunjin nodded, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip and clenching around Jeongin as the younger rode him. Jeongin moaned and ground into Hyunjin as he came.

Jeongin slumped against him, breathing hard, and Hyunjin wrapped his arms around him, trying his best to ignore his own aching hardness. He never imagined enjoying being denied an orgasm, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he had, but there was something satisfying at being able to hold out. At being able to hold on. I hope he’s proud of me , he thought, still a little fuck-dumb.

They laid there for a long while until Jeongin slipped, flaccid and sated, from Hyunjin’s puffy hole. Jeongin’s cum leaked from him, growing cold and tacky between his thighs. “We should shower,” Hyunjin murmured.

Jeongin went rigid at the sound of his voice. Like he just remembered that Hyunjin was even there. He pulled back, looking down into Hyunjin’s face before glancing away. The tips of his ears were bright red. “I should go back to the dorm,” he mumbled. Hyunjin lay there, a little in shock, as Jeongin flitted around the room, grabbing a few wipes from his art supplies and using them to clean himself enough to tug on his clothes.

When he was finally dressed, he ran a hand through his dark hair. He glanced at Hyunjin, who hadn’t moved an inch. He opened his mouth, as if he were going to say something, but then he fled like he was being chased. 

Minutes ticked by. Hyunjin didn’t move until he literally couldn’t stand the feel of dried cum between his asscheeks anymore. He forced himself to walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. Then, he stood under the spray, robotic in the way in which he cleaned himself.

What just happened? Did that just happen? Hyunjin couldn’t quite convince himself that it was real. If he didn’t have to clean Jeongin’s cum out of his body, if he couldn’t see the bitemarks and hickeys that littered his neck and shoulders, he might have thought it was a very realistic wet dream.

After his shower, Hyunjin attended to his skincare -- because it was too ingrained to skip it at this point -- and then climbed back into his bed. 

He didn’t sleep for a long time.

***

Jeongin kept seeing Kwak Jiseok. They’d gone on a handful of dates now -- both had shared (solo) pictures on their IGs, both looking far too soft and happy to just be taking pictures for social media. He also kept fucking Hyunjin. They didn’t talk about it…but then again, Jeongin didn't really talk to him at all unless he was buried balls’ deep inside of him. 

Hyunjin didn't have it in him to ask if Jiseok knew about them. He wasn't sure he could stand to hear Jeongin say that there wasn't anything to tell. 

“Please,” Hyunjin begged, arms pinned over his head as Jeongin pounded between his legs. Their three-week break was ending, and while 3racha were out at the last dinner at a “normal time” for the foreseeable future, Jeongin had come over. He'd texted Hyunjin asking if he could, and once he'd arrived, there'd been no pretext. They'd gone straight to the older's room and locked the door.

“Please, please, please !” Hyunjin didn't even know what he was begging for at this point. With every rough thrust, his head emptied of thoughts and filled with fuzz.

Jeongin laughed, breathless. “What's the matter, hyung? Too much?” It was too much…but Hyunjin wouldn't give it up for the world. “What do you want, hyung? Just ask.”

If he could laugh, he would. Just ask . As if Jeongin would give him anything. He still hadn't let Hyunjin cum, no matter the amount of begging, and since that first night, they hadn't kissed. In fact, Jeongin hadn't put his mouth anywhere near Hyunjin's body. The fading bitemarks hurt more than Hyunjin cared to admit. 

“Touch me, please,” Hyunjin begged.

Jeongin squeezed his fingers around where he had Hyunjin pinned. “I am touching you,” he taunted softly. Hyunjin’s breath shuddered. “Are you going to cry?” Jeongin moaned and grinded into him, dragging his cock over Hyunjin’s swollen prostate. “Look so fucking pretty when you cry, hyung.”

That set Hyunjin off. Sobs wracked his body, and tears blurred his vision. His nerves were on fire: it felt like lightning sizzled up his spine. “ Innie ,” he keened.

Jeongin groaned. His hips kicked against Hyunjin’s ass, and Hyunjin whimpered, helpless, as the younger coated his insides. For a split second, while Jeongin leaned against him, still inside him, to regain his breath, Hyunjin let himself pretend that this was affection. That Jeongin would kiss him on his nose and suggest they share the shower like he'd done so many times in the past.

Instead, he pulled away and reached for the wipes that Hyunjin had started keeping on the nightstand and mopped himself up. “I've gotta --”

“Go,” Hyunjin finished for him. Even to him, his voice sounded flat. “I know.” 

Jeongin paused and looked back at Hyunjin. “Did you want me to stay?”

“If you --” Hyunjin swallowed hard; his throat was suddenly dry. “If you want to.”

It was the wrong answer, apparently. Jeongin just shook his head and reached for the sweatpants he’d worn over. “I’m meeting Jiseok in an hour.”

The pit in Hyunjin’s stomach widened. There was a dull throb in his wrists that he wondered (hoped) would turn into bruises, and he was going to need both arnica cream and a shower soon. If he made a list of what he needed to do next, he wouldn't get so lost in his head. He might actually be able to choke down dinner and sleep. “Okay, Innie,” he murmured. “See you tomorrow?”

“Dance practice, yeah.” Then, he was gone, and Hyunjin let out a shuddering breath. 

Get a shower. Put on arnica cream. Eat dinner. Sleep.

Hyunjin kept repeating it as he forced himself out of bed and into the bathroom, and he would keep doing it until each task was complete.

It would be better tomorrow. He’d feel more level headed in the morning: he always did.

***

Hyunjin and Minho were doing stretches, and the younger tried his best not to wince every time he bent forward. Little zings of pain zipped up his spine every time he moved. “Are you okay?” Minho asked.

He put on a smile. “Fine, hyung,” he said. “I must have slept wrong or something.”

Minho rolled his eyes. “Or something,” he murmured. 

Don’t look at Jeongin. “Wha --?”

“Hey, asshole!”

Hyunjin’s head whipped up. Jisung stormed through the practice room door; a storm swirled in his eyes, and his lips were twisted into a snarl. Hyunjin couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen the younger so angry.

Before they debuted, maybe, when they were all on a hair-trigger.

Hyunjin half-expected that anger to be directed at Chan or Changbin: 3racha had a tendency to argue when they were in production-mode, and they had already been at the studio for hours when he’d gotten up. But he wasn’t looking at either of their hyungs. Instead, his eyes were locked on Jeongin, who had his head in Seungmin’s lap. The older of the two was playing with his hair. 

“Hyung?” Jeongin asked, completely bewildered. 

“I had to peel him off the bathroom floor last night, you little shit,” Jisung snarled, gesturing in Hyunjin’s direction. “You guys wanna fuck and not talk about it, fine, that’s your business.”

“Jisung!” Heat flashed through Hyunjin’s gut. He should have known that one of his roommates would realize what was going on. If Jisung had come to him to talk about it, that would have been embarrassing, but tolerable…but to be exposed to the whole group like this was borderline cruel. 

But the younger wasn’t listening to him. “But when you can’t be damned to do aftercare and leave it for someone else to do, that’s when I have a problem.”

He’s crazy. That didn’t happen. “What are you talking about, Sung?”

Jisung whipped around on him, eyes wide. “What am I talking about?” He stared at Hyunjin, trying to decipher something, and then he scoffed. “Hyun, do you remember how you got to bed last night?”

“I showered, ate some dinner, and went to bed. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Jisung laughed, harsh and humorless. “Wow, you were more out of it than I thought.”

“Out of it? Jisung, what --?”

The younger glanced at Minho, and then at Seungmin, like he was asking them a question that he didn’t have the words for. “I don’t remember the term for it, but I know there is one.” He let out a frustrated ugh , still glaring at a petrified Jeongin. “ I got you up off the floor and helped you with your shower,” he said. The tips of his ears turned a dark red, and Hyunjin’s stomach twisted at the thought of anyone seeing him like that. “After that, I made you eat, and I put you to bed, but I swear to God, it was like the lights were on, but you weren’t home.”

The quiet that followed seemed to echo off the walls. Finally, Minho said, “Subspace.”

“Huh?” Hyunjin looked to his hyung, who had gone a little gray in the face. 

“The term that Jisungie was thinking about,” he explained softly. “You were in subspace…and I'm pretty sure you dropped, from the description.” He turned hard eyes to Jeongin, who winced. “That was incredibly dangerous to leave him when he was so vulnerable.”

“I didn't --”

“I was fine .”

They spoke at the same time, and Jeongin's gaze snapped to Hyunjin. His eyes filled with tears. “I hurt you,” he sobbed, horrified, and then he ran from the room as fast as his feet could carry him.

Hyunjin tried to go after him, but Jisung held him back. “Jisung, Jesus, I was fine . Let me--”

Still, Jisung didn't let him go. “Hyun,” he said, refusing to be shrugged off, “you weren’t fine. You barely responded to me when I would talk to you. I almost called for an ambulance.”

“You should have called one of us, Sung,” Chan said.

Jisung’s head dropped in a nod. “I know. I was just…scared. I went on autopilot.” 

Hyunjin wrenched himself out of Jisung’s grasp while he was distracted. “I’m sorry that happened,” he said, sincerely. “I never want to scare you like that…but the next time you come after Jeongin like that, I’ll put my fist through your face.” 

It wasn’t a fair thing to say, and he knew he would regret it later, especially for causing the spectacular hurt that bloomed across Jisung’s face, but the only thing he cared about was tracking Jeongin down and assuring the younger that he was fine and didn’t hold anything against him. 

But all of the air squished out of his lungs when rounded the corner to find Jeongin sobbing in Kwak Jiseok’s arms. “I can’t believe I did that to him,” he cried into Jiseok’s neck. Hyunjin ducked back so that they wouldn’t notice him: it felt wrong to intrude. 

“I’m sure Hyunjin was fine, hyung,” Jiseok soothed, and from Hyunjin’s vantage point, he could see him running his hands up and down Jeongin’s back. “He was okay before Jisung came in, right?”

Jeongin nodded against his chest. “I guess so.”

Hyunjin’s heart battered itself against his ribs. He wanted so badly to be the one in Jiseok’s position, holding and soothing the sobbing boy, but he knew that he couldn’t. Jeongin wouldn’t open up to him the way he is now. That part of their relationship had been irreparably broken, and that was Hyunjin’s fault. 

“Maybe this is a sign that you and he should stop,” Jiseok said.

Guess that means he knows about us , Hyunjin thought. He didn’t know what he expected Jeongin to say in response, but it wasn’t the sniffly yeah, maybe that he heard. The words erupted in his gut like a firebomb, and he knew that he couldn’t just stay in the shadows like this. 

He cleared his throat, loudly, before he stepped around the corner. “Innie?”

Jeongin pulled away from Jiseok, rubbing at his face. “Hyunjin, I don’t --”

“Please, talk to me,” Hyunjin said. “Just for a minute.”

“Go on, hyung,” Jiseok said. “It would be good for you both. Come find me after, okay? We'll go get coffee.”

Hyunjin bit back the scream that tried to climb out of his throat, but he forced himself to nod at the younger man. He and Jeongin found an open studio and stole inside. 

“Hyung --”

“Innie --”

They spoke at once, each fumbling over an apology that the other didn't want. Finally, Hyunjin reached out and wiped the tears off of the younger's cheeks, effectively spooking him into silence.

“It’s not all on you,” Hyunjin said. “You asked me if I wanted you to stay, and I should have been more clear that I needed you to.” More tears trickled down the younger’s face, and he brushed them away again, gently. “I’m okay.” 

Jeongin sniffled. He looked absolutely miserable. “I was punishing you.”

“I know. I let you.”

“Why?”

Hyunjin shrugged. “Because you needed it.” Hyunjin leaned in and pressed his lips to Jeongin’s forehead. He knew what needed to happen next, but he wanted to hold on for just a second more…which was crazy considering how long he’d been avoiding Jeongin in the first place. The little bit of him that he’d had these past few weeks, even when it made him want to explode, was so much better than the empty months without him. He didn’t want to go back to that…but he couldn’t keep him either. It wasn’t good for either of them.

“Are we over, hyung?”

Hyunjin’s vision blurred, and he clicked his tongue against his teeth, a nervous habit. “I think Jiseok is a nice guy,” he said. “He’d make a good boyfriend.”

“He is,” Jeongin agreed. “I like him a lot.” 

Hyunjin had never been roundhouse kicked in the face before, but this had to be a similar feeling. “Well, then, there you go.”

Jeongin shook his head. “I do like him a lot,” he said, “but he’s not you.” 

A strangled laugh flung its way out of Hyunjin’s throat. “That might not be a bad thing.” He stepped back, scrubbing at his eyes. “Did you know that I was in love with Felix? Before all of this?” If it was over, they might as well get all out in the open. Really drive it into the ground.

Hyunjin would find a way to pick himself up after. If he couldn’t…well, it was better if he didn't start thinking about that now.

Jeongin’s tongue flicked out over his bottom lip. A complicated array of emotions twisted across his face. “I wasn’t sure that you did,” he said finally. “But, yeah, I knew that you felt…more for him than most other people.”

“And you were okay with that?”

Jeongin shrugged. “You picked me.” They stared at each other for a moment, and Hyunjin understood what it meant to be laid bare before someone. They’d dated for well over a year. He’d touched every part of Jeongin, memorized the feel of him, but it was in this moment that he felt the most open. Like they could finally see each other. “I think,” Jeongin said, “that if you were a little more…aware of your feelings at the time, you would have wanted us both. I don’t know if you’d ever ask for it, but you would have wanted it.”

Hyunjin wanted to say that he was wrong, but he couldn’t. How he felt about Felix, then and now, was a complicated mess that he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to pick apart, but what Jeongin was saying wasn’t entirely inaccurate. “Would you have --?” He sucked his teeth again. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.”

“Would I have let you and Felix be together?” Hyunjin hated himself, but he nodded, and he was a little shocked when Jeongin didn’t immediately tell him to fuck off . “If we talked about it, maybe.”

He tried not to feel his initial reaction: that if he hadn’t been completely oblivious then this whole thing could have been avoided. That wasn’t fair to his and Jeongin’s relationship before everything went to shit. But it would have saved Felix so much agony . 

That was the thing that Hyunjin still couldn’t get over. Felix had been willing to die rather than lose him. The only reason that he was still alive was that Chan went against his wishes and called an ambulance. They all could say that it wasn’t Hyunjin’s fault, that it was no one’s fault, all they liked, but it so clearly was. He single handedly ruined all of their lives. 

“I think you and Chan should compete for which of you feels the most guilt,” Jeongin said, reading him as easily as opening up a book.

“Hyung can feel whatever he wants,” Hyunjin said with a shrug. “I’m the only one who’s actually at fault.” He scrubbed at his face again. “I don’t deserve you, Innie. You don’t deserve someone who could be so selfish.”

“What selfish?” Jeongin challenged. “You’ve given everything up in some kind of fucked up self-flaggelation over something that you had no control over. Felix made the decisions that he did to protect you, and it’s awful, but you’re doing the exact thing he wanted to avoid.” He let out a loud, angry sigh and opened his arms wide. “Do you want me?”

Hyunjin could barely stand to look at him. “Of course I do,” he murmured.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.” No hesitation. Hyunjin didn't know much for certain, but that he did know. He loved Yang Jeongin and had for as long as he could remember.

“Do you forgive me for hurting you?” Jeongin’s eyes were shiny with tears. “For using you like I did?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Hyunjin said. “I could have stopped you at any point, but I didn’t. I let you --”

Jeongin made an impatient noise, cutting him off. “Do you forgive me, hyung?” he asked again, and the way he said it made Hyunjin’s heart hurt. 

Because the younger so obviously needed the words, Hyunjin said, “Yes, I forgive you.”

Jeongin stepped into his space and didn’t seem at all phased when the older hopped back. He just continued on until he had Hyunjin caged against the wall. “I forgive you too.”

Hyunjin's breath caught in his throat. “You shouldn't.”

“You don't get to decide that,” he said. “Just like I don't get to decide that you forgive me for what I've been doing to you.” He leaned in, and Hyunjin felt his breath on his face, across his lips. 

He tried to jerk back but couldn't. “Don't.”

Jeongin stopped, but he didn't move back. “Don't because you don't want me to kiss you, or because you think that you don't deserve for me to kiss you?”

Hyunjin could hear his heart pounding in his ears. “I don’t --” He swallowed hard. “I don’t deserve --” Jeongin kissed him, a soft brush of his mouth, and cut off his words. It was soft, damn near chaste, but it set free a kaleidoscope of butterflies in his belly. 

When Jeongin pulled back, he rubbed his nose against Hyunjin’s, softly and exactly the way that he used to. It brought tears to the older’s eyes. “I’m tired of being sad, hyung,” Jeongin said. “I’m tired of being angry. Can we just…skip it? Forgive each other and go back to being in love?”

It couldn’t be that easy. It wasn’t that easy. “But we should talk and --”

Jeongin shook his head. “I don’t want to,” he insisted. “Not right now. I just want to get to love you again. Please, hyung?”

Well…it wasn’t like he was going to say no to that, right?

***

Hyunjin called Chan and begged out of dance practice, and he and Jeongin slipped back to the dorm. Now, they were twined together on Jeongin’s bed, Hyunjin’s head on the younger's chest. He thought they might have sex, but Jeongin just wanted to hold him. It’s been too long, hyung .

Jeongin carded his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair gently, careful not to snag or snare it, and if he’d had the ability to purr, Hyunjin just might. They used to do this all the time, just be together, and it didn’t quite feel real to be here now. 

“I dreamed about doing this again,” the younger said into the quiet. Hyunjin shifted a little so that he could look at his face. “I missed you, Hyun.”

Hyunjin leaned up and kissed the point of his chin. “I missed you too.” He groaned softly and pushed his face into the younger’s chest. “I still don’t think --”

“Shh,” Jeongin commanded. “No talking about it.”

“That’s not healthy, jagi.”

Jeongin tugged his hair softly, just enough to make him gasp. “I don’t really care right now. I’m enjoying this too much.” On his bedside table, Jeongin's phone started to buzz. He reached for it and cursed. “Shit, it's Jiseok.”

“You kind of blew him off,” Hyunjin said gently.

Jeongin looked guilty. “I don't have to --”  

“Answer it,” he insisted. When Jeongin looked wary, Hyunjin added, “This isn't a test, Innie, I promise.”

Jeongin answered his phone. “Hi,” he said, and his voice took on a tamber that Hyunjin had never heard before. It wasn't the same way he spoke with his friends, and it wasn't quite the same way he spoke to Hyunjin. It was somewhere in between. “I'm sorry. Hyunjin and I needed to talk, and we couldn't quite do that at the office.”

Whatever Jiseok said in reply wasn't harsh or angry or even irritated. Jeongin smiled, wide and way too adorable. If he was the type to giggle and kick his feet, he would. Hyunjin waited to feel gutted…but he didn’t. Jeongin simply looked too happy. Genuinely happy. 

Jeongin ended the call promising to talk to the younger man tomorrow, and then he was snuggling back into Hyunjin’s arms. “Thanks, hyung,” he said. 

“You’re allowed to like him,” Hyunjin murmured. “It wouldn’t exactly be fair of me to say that you can’t.”

Jeongin hummed. “Let’s talk about that later.”

They couldn’t put off every conversation. “Jagi --”

The younger pressed his mouth to Hyunjin’s. “No more talking,” he said softly. He kissed Hyunjin again, sweeping his tongue over the older’s bottom lip, but when Hyunjin opened up for him, he didn’t immediately press it inside. He just continued to gently tease until Hyunjin’s fingers were gripping at his hair and whines were leaking from his throat.

 “Don’t tease,” Hyunjin pleaded.

Jeongin shushed him gently. “I’m not,” he promised. “I won’t. I just want to take my time with you.”

Hyunjin shook his head. He felt like he was shaking out of his skin with just a bit of kissing. “Need you,” he breathed. “ Please .”

Jeongin kissed his lips again, and then his cheeks, and then his nose, and then his forehead. Peppering Hyunjin’s face with kisses. “I’ll give you everything you want,” he vowed. “Anything.”

“Just you,” Hyunjin breathed. “I want you .”

They’d had plenty of sex in the last two weeks, but Hyunjin felt starved for the younger’s attention. For the adoration that was so clear on Jeongin’s face. “Okay, hyung,” Jeongin said. “Okay.”

Everything moved both fast and slow after that. Their clothes seemed to melt away, thrown haphazardly to the ground, and Jeongin couldn’t seem to stop kissing him for more than thirty seconds at a time. Their hands ran over each other’s skin, reverent but not exactly soft. Jeongin’s fingers found Hyunjin’s nipple and pinched, forcing a moan from the older’s throat.

When the younger went to wrap a hand around Hyunjin’s cock, however, he shook his head. “I’ll cum,” he panted against Jeongin’s mouth.

“Do it, hyung.” Jeongin encircled Hyunjin’s cock and stroked him. His hand was too dry, his grip a touch too soft, but Hyunjin cried out from the sensation that lanced through him. “Cum for me, like this,” the younger coaxed, “and then I’ll make you cum again on my cock.” His words, crooned into Hyunjin’s ear, and the feel of his hand tugged Hyunjin over the edge so suddenly and so hard that it was almost painful. He soaked his stomach, streaked it in white. Tears welled in the older’s eyes, and Jeongin hummed, happy, as he kissed Hyunjin again and again. “There’s so much of it,” he crooned, running his fingers through the cum on the older’s chest.  

Hyunjin squeaked in embarrassment. “I haven’t done that in a while,” he mumbled, and Jeongin’s eyebrows nearly knit themselves together.

“Like…not even alone?” the younger asked. 

Hyunjin's heart rabbited in his chest. He didn't want to upset Jeongin again. “I didn't have permission,” he mumbled.

Jeongin set his teeth into his bottom lip. “You really didn’t --?” Hyunjin shook his head, and the younger all but cooed at him. “ Jagi , I can’t believe you. Why would you do that to yourself?” Hyunjin wanted to curl in on himself, but Jeongin wouldn’t allow him to do so. “Hyunjin, talk to me.”

He snorted. “ Now , you want to talk?!” He glanced down at the cum that was turning tacky on his chest. “Seriously?”

“Yes, now,” Jeongin insisted, absolutely unphased by Hyunjin’s whining. “Tell me why.”

Hyunjin could feel the heat in his face, and he found himself focusing on Jeongin’s nose instead of looking into his eyes. “I wanted to be good,” he said. “For you.”

The younger’s eyes softened, and he leaned and kissed Hyunjin softly on the tip of his nose. “You’re perfect, hyung,” he said. “Let’s go shower, okay?” He glanced down. “You’re a bit of a mess.”

Hyunjin felt heat flare in his face. “What about you?”

Another kiss to his nose, the barest brush of lips. “Later,” he promised. “Right now, I want to help you wash your hair.”

Tears welled in Hyunjin’s eyes. “You don’t have to --”

“I want to,” Jeongin cut him off. “I know I was a complete dick to you. I know that I hurt you by ignoring you and leaving, and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry that I am.” Before Hyunjin could protest, Jeongin leaned in and left a smacking kiss on his mouth, the kind that was more sound than touch and never failed to make Hyunjin grin like a jackass. Today was no different. “I want to take care of you Hyun, like I used to. Let me?”

Hyunjin nodded, heart stuck in his throat. “Okay.”

***

After the loveliest shower in recent memory -- and that promised second orgasm -- Hyunjin treated Jeongin to dinner. He wanted to go and sit down somewhere, make it as much of a date as they were able to have, but Jeongin insisted that they just order in so that they could be as close to each other as possible without the worry of someone seeing. 

While they waited for takeout, they curled together on the couch, and Hyunjin told him all about walking in on Chan and Changbin on the weight bench. They giggled and pretended to be grossed out…although Hyunjin could see Jeongin eyeing the weight bench with interest.

“We could --”

The sound of someone keying into the dorm cut what would have been a very naughty suggestion. All of the 3racha came through the door. Jisung held up a sack of food. “We ran into the delivery boy downstairs,” he said. Jisung was careful to look at everything but Hyunjin, and it made his chest squeeze tightly.

“Jisung, can we talk?” He glanced at Jeongin. “Can you put everything on dishes?”

Jeongin nodded. “Sure, jagi.”

Jisung followed, a little warily, and when Hyunjin shut his door, he practically threw himself into the older’s arms. “I’m not going to apologize,” he said into Hyunjin’s collarbone. “You scared the shit out of me, and he deserved to know about it.”

Hyunjin rubbed at Jisung’s back. “I know,” he murmured. “I know. I’m sorry that I scared you, and I’m sorry for how I spoke to you.”

Jisung shrugged, still clutching at him. “You love him. I get it.”

Hyunjin let out a little sigh. “I really do, Sung.”

Jisung finally let him go. “I assume that after you both skipped out today that you’re back together?” Hyunjin nodded, and the younger’s face split in a smile. “I’m glad you finally talked.”

The older snorted. “We didn’t, really.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jeongin asked if we could skip it.”

“Skip it? What the hell does that mean?”

Hyunjin shrugged. “We agreed to just…forgive each other. Go back to being in love.”

Jisung looked so honestly confused that it made him laugh. At least he wasn’t the only one. “Can you just do that?”

“I want to try,” Hyunjin said. “I’ve missed him so much…and if that’s what he wants --”

Jisung gave him a look that was a little…less than friendly. “I think we’ve already established that you’re willing to do just about anything.” To your own detriment was left unsaid.

“I just want to be happy again, Sung,” Hyunjin said. “I want Jeongin to love me, and I want things to be good again.”

Jisung sighed, and he pulled Hyunjin into another hug. Everything had been so screwed up for so long; they’d endured months of touring with this awful tension wrenching at all of them. “I want that too,” Jisung said.

“Are we okay?”

Jisung left a smacking kiss on his cheek. “Feed me, and we’ll call it square.”

Good thing I got enough to feed an army , he thought. Jeongin could always put food away, so it was always a good idea to order extra. “Sure. There should be plenty.”

They went back out to see that Jeongin had already split everything up between the five of them -- maybe Hyunjin ordered a touch too much -- and they sat around the table. He thought it might be awkward, but it all felt familiar . Like the hundreds of similar dinners they'd had since he and Jeongin had started dating.

While laughing and shoveling rice into his mouth, he looked at Jeongin, and he felt so light. It had been so long since he hadn’t felt that weight in the pit of his stomach. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes; he could feel them snail down his cheeks.

“Hyun? Jagi?” Jeongin asked. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, sniffling. “I’m happy,” he murmured. “I’m so happy.”

Jeongin reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “Me too.”

“Me three,” Chan chimed in, smiling so big that they could see his dimples. Their leader was at his happiest when his “kids” were happy, and Hyunjin knew that if it weren’t for Changbin, he would have completely fallen apart. “The only thing better would be if it was all of…us…” His words trailed off, and there was a collective pause.

Changbin glanced at Jisung, who was steadily picking at his cuticles, and scooted his chair over so that he could put an arm around their leader. “We’ll get there, hyung.”

Chan gave him a soft, but sad, smile. “I know.” His eyes found Jisung, and Hyunjin watched that sadness vanish. “Hey, Sungie,” he said, getting the younger to look at him. He reached over and put a hand over Jisung’s. “Stop spiraling.”

Jisung flushed. “I’m not,” he mumbled.

“You are,” Hyunjin said softly and put his hand over Chan’s. “But it’s not your fault we’re broken.”

“It’s not yours either,” Changbin said. “I don’t want to hear you say otherwise.”

“Me either,” Jeongin said softly from beside him. 

Hyunjin wanted to argue, but he bit his tongue. He knew what he knew, but he also knew that both Chan and Jeongin had a stubborn streak a mile wide. There was no point in starting an argument now, not when things have been going so wonderfully. “So, we fix it,” he said instead. “Permanently.”

Jisung scoffed softly “How?” He glanced up at Hyunjin. “I am doing what I can to get okay with hyung and Seungmin, but --” He shrugged helplessly. “It still hurts. I’m worried that it’s always going to hurt, and how do I move past that?” He glanced at Jeongin and then back to Hyunjin, and it was clear to the older what he meant: he couldn’t just “skip” the hurt he felt because unlike with Jeongin, Minho wasn’t going to just take him back. Minho had moved on and left Jisung right where he’d always been, in love with him.

He had posed the same question to Hyunjin while they were on tour, and now, just like then, Hyunjin didn’t have an answer for him. “He’s hurting too,” Jeongin said softly.

Jisung’s eyes snapped to Jeongin. “I know that. I’m not entirely emotionally stunted.”

Hyunjin braced himself for a snarky reply -- it would have been textbook Jisung-Jeongin banter, after all -- but instead, their maknae simply put his hands up in an unarmed gesture. “I’m not saying that you are,” he said gently. “I’m just saying that if Minho feels just as bad, then maybe it’s not over.”

“He’s with Seungmin,” Jisung said, and Hyunjin could see the struggle on his face. “He’s happy with Seungmin, and I --” He peeked at Chan and Changbin, and the corner of his mouth curled up ever-so-slightly. “I’m in a good place too.”

Hyunjin’s heart swelled in his chest at the soft look on Chan’s face. “Baby, we know how much you love Minho. That doesn’t take away from what’s happening with us.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Does Chan’s feelings for you take away from his feelings for me?” Changbin asked.

Jisung scrunched adorably. Hyunjin nearly cooed at him. “Of course not.”

“So…maybe Minho feels the same way,” Jeongin said. “Maybe he could have both you and Seungmin, just like you could have him and the hyungs.”

The conversation was parallel to what he and Jeongin had talked about earlier, and the moment Hyunjin thought about it, he started laughing. He couldn’t stop. He could feel the others’ eyes on him, but his body shook with almost hysterical mirth. 

“Hyun? Honey, are you okay?” Vaguely, he could hear Chan’s voice, but he was having trouble getting himself to stop. Maybe this is a form of disassociation . 

The giggles went on for another minute or two before it finally petered out. “Sorry,” he murmured and cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

Jeongin was rubbing at his back; he hadn’t even noticed. “What was so…funny, hyung?”

Hyunjin wiped at his face. There were tears on his cheeks. “I just had a weird thought.” He tried to shrug it off, but from the looks on their faces, they weren’t going to let it go. “I just thought…and don’t take this the wrong way, please.” He looked at Jeongin, who nodded for him to go on. “It just sounds like it would be easier if we were in some kind of…polycule situation.”

He expected for them to laugh at what he said or ridicule him in that way that only they could or, maybe, demand to know how that would fix any of their problems…but instead, Chan’s face turned an interesting shade of red instead. “Woojin kind of hinted at that,” he said, voice thick.

Changbin’s nose wrinkled for a moment: he still hadn’t quite gotten over that Chan had sought Woojin out for advice before they figured themselves out, but in the very least, he got his face back under control relatively quickly. There was no point in arguing about Woojin. They would never truly understand Chan’s myriad feelings for the older man.

“What did he say, hyung?” Jeongin asked.

“When I told him that I was struggling because I had feelings for someone, he asked me who it was: Changbin or Jisung or Felix, and I panicked at the time because he was saying things that I would never have dreamed to think about.” 

Hyung likes Felix? Hyunjin’s heart kicked, but it didn’t feel like jealousy. It was more like when Jeongin spoke to Jiseok earlier: the idea was adorable. “But now?” he asked.

Chan shrugged. His eyes were on the table in front of him, like he was having a hard time looking at them. “Remember what I said? That someone’s heart could expand to fit more than one person?” Hyunjin nodded. “Mine did.” Changbin practically preened, and Jisung looked shyly happy. “But I think,” Chan swallowed hard, “I’ve always been a little in love with all of you. It doesn’t mean that I feel necessarily the same about everyone, but…you’re mine, you know? All of you.”

It was confusing, but Hyunjin understood. Chan had chosen them. They were family…but it was more than that. He remembered how he felt when he thought Chan might be going on a date with someone outside of the group. It had felt so utterly wrong because Bang Chan belonged to Stray Kids. He’d gathered them and forged them: they would always have him. Whereas he could get over Jeongin finding someone outside of their group attractive enough to pursue, he didn't think he'd feel the same way if it were Chan.

“That’s…that’s a lot,” Jeongin breathed out. “But it’s also not surprising in any way.”

Changbin clapped Chan on the shoulder. “I’m proud of you, hyung,” he said. He looked at the rest of them. “It’s taken him a long time to actually talk about this.” 

Jisung leaned over and pressed a kiss to Chan’s cheek, and their leader looked so absolutely pleased that Hyunjin had to sigh. “They’re cute, huh?” Jeongin asked.

He hummed softly. “They are.” 

They watched the trio in silence for a moment. “A polycule, huh?”

Hyunjin nudged Jeongin, giggling. “I said it was a weird thought.”

“Weird,” the younger agreed, “but…not entirely without merit.”

“Huh?!”

*Jeongin’s POV*

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you, hyung?” Jiseok asked as he licked at his ice cream. Jeongin had suggested they go for a walk, and they grabbed some from a corner store. 

He sighed. He didn’t explicitly ask Jiseok out to dump him…but he didn’t not do that either. “I really like you, Ji.”

The younger looked at him, eyebrow raised. “But --?” he prompted. When Jeongin still couldn’t quite find the words, Jiseok gave him a soft look. “Do you want me to say it?” Jeongin nodded. “Okay, hyung.” He threw an arm across Jeongin’s shoulders, casual and friendly. “You’re in love with Hyunjin, and while you like me, you need to focus on repairing your relationship with him. Right?”

Jeongin nodded slowly. “Right.” His eyes burned, and he sniffled, leaning into Jiseok. “I’m so sorry.”

Jiseok squeezed him. “It’s okay, hyung. We can stay friends, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’d really like that.”

It was that simple. They finished their walk, Jeongin walked Jiseok home, and he pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you at JYPE,” Jiseok said.

“See you.”

When Jeongin keyed himself into Hyunjin’s dorm some forty-five minutes later, the older was there to pull him into a hug and let him cry on his shoulder. “You didn’t have to do that,” Hyunjin murmured against his hair. “I told you.”

Jeongin shook his head, burying his face against Hyunjin’s neck. “I like him,” he said, “but I can’t be sure that I like him for the right reasons. I only agreed to go out with him in the first place because I was trying to get over you…and then I came home and slept with you. That’s not right.” He pulled away so he could look at Hyunjin in the face. “I love you, hyung.”

A smile spread across Hyunjin’s face. It never failed to make Jeongin’s heart flutter. “I love you too.” They kissed, a soft press of lips, and Hyunjin hummed, happy. “Stay for dinner?”

Jeongin drew back. “I actually need to head back. That okay?”

Hyunjin bopped a kiss to his nose. “I can handle a night without you,” he said. “I’m a big boy.”

They hadn’t spent much time apart since they reconciled…which was why Minho wanted him home tonight. He wanted to make them all dinner. “I’ll see you at dance practice in the morning. Eat dinner soon, please.” 

Hyunjin waved him off. “Aren’t I supposed to say that about you? Given that I’m older.”

Jeongin smirked. “Keep that in mind the next time I’ve got you pinned to your mattress, hyung.”

The older squawked and batted at him as he turned and fled the apartment. The words ungrateful brat followed him out…well…they would just see who the brat really was another day.

Back at the dorm, Felix and Seungmin were playing Mario Kart , and Jeongin nearly tripped over his own shoes when he saw the smile on Felix’s face. “He’s --”

“Shh,” Minho chastised. His hyung was sitting at the table, watching them, with a dreamy kind of expression on his face. Jeongin sank down beside him. “I don’t think he’s aware of it,” the older murmured to him. Seungmin glanced their way, and even from across the open room, Jeongin could see how excited he was. 

They all held their collective breath as Felix played. His eyes were intent on the screen, concentrating so hard that his tongue crept into the corner of his smile. It had been so long since any of them had seen it. Small as it was, it was beautiful. Jeongin quietly pulled out his phone, snapped a picture, and sent it to Hyunjin. 

“I can feel you all staring, you know,” Felix said. He paused the game and looked at them. “What?”

Minho cleared his throat. “Did you --?” He swallowed. “Are you…feeling anything right now?”

The small smile slowly faded from Felix’s face, but it was replaced by a look of confusion, and that was nearly as precious as his smile. But the more he seemed to look for the emotion he was experiencing, the less of a hold that he had on it. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “It’s gone.”

“That’s okay,” Seugnmin said gently and held up the controller in his hand. “Should we keep playing?”

Felix shook his head. “I’m going to my room,” he said. 

“Okay, Yongboks. I’ll come get you when dinner is ready,” Minho said. Felix nodded and scurried to his room, leaving a pocket of silence behind him.

“How long had he been smiling like that?” Jeongin asked once they heard the door shut down the hall.

“Nearly 20 minutes,” Seungmin said, joining them at the table. He sat across from Minho, but when the older turned his hand over, he quickly took it in his own, sighing in content. Like he had been waiting for permission to touch and finally received it. 

Jeongin was fascinated by their dynamic. Minho didn’t treat Seungmin any differently than he did before, but there was this little underlying tension that was always there whenever they were in public. Like one would press the others’ buttons to see the reaction they’d get.

Jeongin also had to invest in some good-quality noise canceling headphones. Where Minho and Jisung were more covert in their sex life, Seungmin was loud , and their hyung seemed to thrive on that. 

“What set it off?”

Seungmin chuckled. “He actually won a race,” he said. “He was telling me that the last time he could remember playing Mario Kart was with Hyunjin, and when he won, he started to smile.” 

Warmth spread in Jeongin’s chest. “Was that the first time he’d played a video game since his surgery?” He remembered Chan telling them that he’d blossomed the first time he visited the studio, and maybe this was like that.

“No,” Seungmin said. “We’ve played League a few times, and I know he’s played Animal Crossing .” 

“So…he was talking about Hyunjin while he played,” Jeongin pointed out, “and it made him smile.”

Seungmin and Minho glanced at each other. “But he kept smiling, even after the conversation dropped.”

“But he was still playing, right? What if that triggered him?” 

Jeongin’s mind raced for answers that it didn’t have. For months, they’d been stumped as to what to do about Felix. Or if there was anything to be done at all, really. His family contacted him from time to time, but they weren’t around him often enough to grow used to his disaffectedness. The members all had. They might not like it, and Hyunjin was still gun shy about being around him, but life had carried on. 

But what if they could change it? Even just a little?

“Call the others,” Jeongin said to Minho. “I want to try something.”

“What?” the older asked.

“I’ll explain when they all get here,” he promised. “It may be dumb, but --”

“If it makes him smile again, I’ll do anything,” Seungmin said. 

The sincerity in his voice made Jeongin pause, and his mind spun back to the dinner that he’d had with Hyunjin and the other dorm when they first got back together. It had been an eye-opening discussion that hadn’t really gone anywhere. After Chan’s confession of sorts, he and Hyunjin had offered to clean the dishes, and Jisung had gone to his room for a Zoom call with his therapist. It was all swept under the rug, but the thought had squatted in the back of his mind ever since. 

The idea of all of them being…something was as ridiculous and nonsensical as it was intriguing. He could see where the connections were and the overlap, and he couldn’t help but wonder if there would be a moment that would pull all those strings connecting them tight.

Now wasn’t the moment, obviously, but still. 

But still.

Hyunjin showed up first, with paint stains on his fingers and a little fleck near his eyebrow. “You could have showered, hyung,” Jeongin teased.

The older rolled his eyes. “Minho made it sound urgent, and considering the picture you sent me, I just --” He shrugged, pretty even when he was being awkward. “I didn’t want to wait.”

There was that warmth again, spreading through his chest and dipping down into his belly. Sweet boy , he thought. His hyung was such a sweet, caring boy. “Any updates on the others?” he asked.

“Sungie’s bringing them. You know they were dug into the studio like ticks.”

Minho slung an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder, and the warmth spreader further, down his arms and legs. “Come help me in the kitchen until they get here.”

Hyunjin eyed him, incredulous. “You actually want my help?”

Minho tweaked his chin. “I haven’t seen you near enough.”

Jeongin and Seungmin spent the next twenty minutes watching Minho practically torment Hyunjin in the kitchen. It was funny and over the top and exactly what he’d been missing for months. 

When 3racha did arrive, Chan looked nervous, but he helped finish up in the kitchen, and Jisung sat at the table with Jeongin and Seungmin, looking like he might bolt at any moment. “Hyunjin made it seem like the world was on fire or something,” he said. Jeongin pulled up the picture of Felix smiling and showed it to him: Jisung’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “Is that real?”

Changbin came over to take a peak, and they had to stop him from shouting. “Hyung,” he said, sounding almost tearful. “Come here.” Chan came close enough to see the picture, and his eyes immediately grew wet. 

It was almost laughable how emotional they all were over a simple smile, but Felix was their sunshine, and they hadn’t had sunshine in so long. “What do we need to do to make that happen again?” Jisung asked.

Jeongin explained his theory: that while gaming might have been the thing that sparked the smile, it could have just as easily been the memory of playing the same game with Hyunjin. He wanted them to try and spark more memories for Felix, but not in a way that he knew what they were doing. 

“The minute he goes looking for an emotion, it disappears,” Jeongin said. “I think if it were more…organic, it might work better.”

“It’ll be hard to trigger emotional memories without being obvious,” Chan said. 

Hyunjin shook his head. “I don’t think it has to be emotional necessarily. He and I playing video games wasn’t emotional. Nothing happened.”

Minho laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. “Maybe it was a more significant moment for him than you,” the older suggested softly, and Jeongin watched Hyunjin’s face and its somersault of emotions. Guilt. Remorse. Sadness.

“I don’t even remember playing with him,” he said softly. “Like…I know that we played together because we’ve talked about it, but I can’t remember it.” 

Jeongin reached out to touch him, and for an instant, he was afraid that Hyunjin would pull away, that he would disappear back into himself, but Hyunjin gripped onto him, like Jeongin was a lifeline. 

Hyunjin swallowed his tears. “All we can do is try, right?”

They all agreed, and when dinner was ready, Jeongin volunteered to get Felix from his room. He wasn’t sure what he would find, but Felix curled up on his bed, staring at the ceiling wasn’t exactly it. “Yongbok-hyung?”

Felix’s eyes slid to him. “Dinner ready?” he asked. It didn’t seem possible, but his voice was even more disaffected than it normally did. Like he was tamping down on his non-emotions all the tighter. 

Jeongin couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not. Only time will tell . 

“Yeah. Hyung asked me to come get you. Everyone’s here.”

“Why?”

Jeongin shrugged. “Hyung invited everyone. I didn’t ask questions.”

Felix accepted that answer and followed him out into the living room. Jeongin was worried that everyone was going to be awkward -- it would be on brand for them -- but to his surprise, barely anyone looked up. 

“Yongboks,” Minho called from the kitchen. “Come help me with plates.”

Felix went as he was called, and Jeongin allowed Hyunjin to pull him into his lap. “I’m trying not to freak out,” he murmured in his ears. 

Jeongin pressed his lips to Hyunjin’s temple. “It’s going to be okay.”

Minho, Seungmin, and Felix set the table, and the rest gathered around. The first few moments were quiet, a little awkward, but then Chan started talking about the song that he and Changbin were writing, it set off a groan around the table.

“No shop talk, hyung,” Jisung scolded. “We do enough of it at work.”

“You’re just jealous,” Changbin teased. 

Jisung scoffed. “Of what, exactly? I was with you all day.”

Minho made a soft, fond noise. “Poor Sungie,” he murmured. “They don’t leave you alone, do they?”

Jisung pouted. “Not one of them, hyung.” He glanced at Hyunjin. “If it’s not this pair, then Hyunjin’s stuck to me like a barnacle.” Minho reached over and ruffled his hair, and Jeongin saw the pained smile on Jisung’s face before he swallowed it down.

Minho saw it too and drew back. The apology was on his face, but Jisung shook his head gently. He mouthed it’s fine at him. 

“You can come here, Jisung-ah,” Seungmin said. “Any time.” He added an imperious sniff. “ We know how to be quiet.”

Hyunjin snorted. “Yeah, quiet just like Channie-hyung and Changbin.”

Chan let out a scandalized noise, and everyone, even Jisung, started laughing. It took a minute, but through the cacophony of their voices, Jeongin heard it. 

Deep, a little raspy, but it broke into a high squeak.

A laugh. Felix’s laugh.

They all looked at him, unable to stop themselves, and Felix’s laughter bled out as quickly as it had come. For a second, there was that look of confusion again. Then…panic. Like everything was crashing in all at once. He started breathing heavily, and Minho was the first up and out of his seat.

Felix held up his hand, as if to ward him off. “N-n--” More wheezing. He couldn’t get enough breath to tell the older to go away. He stumbled up, knocking his chair over, clutching at his chest, like that’s where everything was trapped.

“Yongboks, aegiya,” Minho cooed. It was the same voice he used on his cats. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Felix shook his head, tears streaked his cheeks, and it would be terrible to see him so upset if it weren’t so damn breathtaking. Jeongin could hardly hear Hyunjin breathing beside him, although the older had his hand clamped in Jeongin’s so tightly that he worried that the bones were rubbing together.

“Felix,” Chan pleaded. “Breathe, sweetheart, okay? Can you look at me and breathe?” Felix tried to train his eyes on Chan, but Jeongin could see how scrambled he looked. 

“He’s overwhelmed,” he said over Minho and Chan’s coaxing. “Give him some air, hyungs.”

They paused, glanced his way, and Hyunjin squeezed his hand again. Jeongin did his best not to wince. “Innie’s right. Step back. Let Felix decide what he wants to do.”

Felix stared at them, eyes wide and full of fear, and…he ran. The door to his room slammed, and Jeongin knew enough to know that he locked it. Probably the bathroom door too, so that they couldn’t come through that way.

“Break down the door, hyung,” Hyunjin said. “Like you did for me.”

Chan was tempted, but Minho shook his head. “He’s not going to hurt himself. Jeongin-ah is right. We need to give him space.”

“But --” Seungmin started, but Minho gave him a look, and he was instantly cowed. “I’m worried, hyung,” he murmured softly. 

Minho gave him a soft look and took the younger under his arm, holding him close. “He’s been doing a lot of not feeling for a long time,” he said. “He needs some time to unpack it alone.” He glanced over and Chan. “Though maybe stick close? For the night?”

Chan nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jisung all agreed. “Sleepover it is, then.”

Jeongin helped Seungmin to fetch blankets for 3racha. Hyunjin would bunk in his room. They would wait Felix out, just like Minho said. They’d give him space without going too far, so that when he did need them, they would be right here.

He held out his arms to catch the blankets that Seungmin tossed at him, and for once, the future didn’t seem nearly as bleak. “He’s going to be okay,” he said out loud. “We’re all going to be okay.”

Seungmin didn’t seem nearly as convinced, but Jeongin didn’t mind. He could feel it. Things were finally looking up.