Chapter Text
it had been months. months since jay was on the floor of his living room, since his house was burned to the ground, since he stabbed alex in the neck, since just about everyone he knew had died at the hands of each other. how many months? he wasn’t sure.
tim moved far away from that scene. far away from anything that could possibly remind him of the last few years. he couldn’t recount how many it was.
it was nowhere near easy. it was actually impossible. to pull himself out of bed, to get a job, to pack what little belongings he had into his car and drive off to a busy, bustling city that would be the perfect distraction. he needed new. a blank canvas he could build off of.
tim peeled the covers off of him every morning, went to work, opened and closed, went to therapy, read books on the train, plucked his guitar, and went to bed. he tried to indulge in meaningless hobbies. hobbies like music and reading. he bought and read countless books and even began writing his own music. enough to fill an album or two.
he tried to gain back any sense of normalcy in his life.
tim was breathless. he had ran to the train station from the record store. he swore he was going to miss it and have to endure the long walk all the way home.
thank god the train was running just a few minutes late. he pulled his bag higher over his shoulder and looked to the train that was pulling up to the station.
he sat quietly under the fluorescent lights of the train, catching glimpses of the lights of the city that passed by the tinted windows. tim was too exhausted to pull out a book from his bag and begin reading.
he instead unclipped his nametag from his chest pocket, shoving it inside his bag and letting his head lull back over the seat and shut his eyes. a deep breath of air escaped him. not a soul was in this train car with him. it was a little off putting. usually it would be full of drunk patrons and people in messed up makeup coming from show venues. but he relaxed nonetheless.
the name of his station spoken over the loudspeaker snapped him out his dozed state. he quickly gathered his bag and pulled his jacket tight around his shoulders.
the train doors opened and a couple people from other train-cars stepped out along with him.
once on the station’s concrete, tim began to turn on his heel. he couldn’t wait to get home and fall asleep immediately. a shower or a meal could come later. he was beyond exhausted.
someone clearing their throat made tim perk his head up, looking in the sound’s general direction.
a tall, lanky man with shaggy and overgrown light brown hair stood against the brick wall. his dark eyes looking down at his phone. a white wire followed from pale hands to his ears.
sharp ringing filled tim’s ears and his blood ran grossly cold. that couldn’t be.
the man shoved his phone in his pocket, and he pushed himself up to a standing position and began to walk the opposite direction tim was going.
tim wasn’t going to let him go like that again.
he took a few quick steps towards the taller man, reaching an arm out to his shoulder, a heavy hand beckoning him to turn around.
the brunette jumped a bit, turning his frame to face tim and yanking an earbud from his ear.
“jay?” tim’s throat ran dry, the word strained his vocal chords, he reopened a wound long since healed just by uttering a single syllable.
jay recoiled back upon seeing the other man, looking down at him with wide eyes and an agape mouth.
his face was…healthier. stubble covered his chin and cheeks, his shoulders stood a bit broader, and sick eye-bags were now reduced to a small dusting of purple under his lids. but he still looked like jay. undeniably jay. recognizable in any crowd.
“t-tim?” jay sounded unsure of the words falling out of his mouth, although there was no denying it. it was one hundred percent tim.
the train was gone, the station was empty, it was just the two under sickening flouresncent light under a night sky.
tim didn’t know what to say. he didn’t know how this was possible. “it’s. you. how…how..” his voice wavered and shook. this wasn’t possible. he was going insane. jay wasn’t in front of him, no.
jays eyes search tim’s face, almost panicked, before swiftly wrapping his arms around tim, clinging to him tighter than he thought he could. it felt like a gut reaction.
it took tim a second to do the same, dropping his bag on the concrete next to him and engulfing jay. it only took seconds before tim’s vision became blurry with tears. this had to be some cruel dream or hallucination. something sinister making him see this only to yank it away in an instant as a punishment for everything he’s done.
tim could hear jay sniffle into his neck, digging his fingertips into tim’s sides. “oh my god.” jays voice cracked, moved up an octave higher.
in an instant, tim pulled away from the embrace, holding jay tight by his shoulders. he took a moment to study jay’s face again, taking all of it in once again. flesh and skin and all. he could feel jays hands on his forearms.
“i think we..i think we should talk.”
“yeah.” jay nods vigorously, wiping his cheek with his sleeve.
in the dead of the train station, they search for words they dont entirely know how to say.
“how did you…jay, i saw your body.” tim tearfully starts. he never wanted to stop looking over jay. never wanted to let him out of his sight again.
jay looked to the ground for a moment, sniffling again. “i dont…i don’t exactly know. i know thats not the answer you want. but, it’s still coming back to me. little by little. all i remember is getting…shot. and then, i was in the hospital, waking up weeks later.”
“but how, i…” tim pressed. he didn’t know how to face this. he didn’t know what to say. “that’s impossible. that’s insane. im so, i don’t… i’m-i’m really happy to see you. im just not sure if i’m going crazy right now.”
jay laughed, but there wasn’t any kind of positivity to it. “i know how you feel. you’re not going crazy.”
“i hope not.”
a moment of silent eye contact passed between them. a reprive, just to be totally sure they were both still there, existing in front of each other again.
tim suddenly became acutely aware of how late and cold it was getting. “oh, i’m sorry, it’s really late, uh-“
“oh! sorry! you probably have to get home-“ jay stuttered out, pulling his hands away from tim. tim wanted to press himself back into jays frame the second he lost his touch.
“no, no, i um…”
an awkward silence fell stiffly over the both of them. there was too much weight, too much to say and too many questions to be asked.
“-my apartment is a quick walk, do you wanna..come over? i want to talk to you more.” tim asked sheepishly.
“oh, of course!” jay said excitedly, his face flushing a light shade of pink. he nodded quickly.
“come on, it’s down this way.” tim said, picking his bag up and nodding in the direction of his place.
jay was quick to follow, immediately at tim’s side and walking with him, just as he had a million times before.
the walk was extremely short. jay was suprised he didn’t catch tim on this train more often if he lived so close.
tim figured he would start his many questions off lighthearted. “so, what were you catching the last train for anyway?”
“oh, i had a late shoot, but they tipped me a lot extra to stay late, so i had to catch the last train.”
“like, a photo shoot?” tim was more focused on watching jay than the world around them.
“yeah, i got signed with a bigger company so i can do more professional shoots. its pretty cool, and it pays good.” jay smiled a little to himself. “what about you?”
tim looked back at his feet. “ah, there was a band playing at the record store i work at, i had to stay late and close.”
“you work at a music shop?”
“yeah.”
it felt like almost nothing had changed in the way they communicated. like, even after all this time, the two still knew how to have a normal conversation when the entire world was falling apart around them.
“that’s awesome. what, you just get to listen to music all day?”
“kinda. i manage the store, so i take care of everything from orders to bands having whatever they need on stage. its a pretty small place. maybe…you should come down and see a show sometime.”
“id like that.” jay said, turning with tim onto his small front porch where a chair and an ashtray sat, overflowing with marlboros.
tim unlocked his front door and shoved it open, welcoming jay inside.
tim dropped his bag on the table and shut the door behind the two of them. “i’ll make some tea. please, make yourself comfortable.”
jay observed tim’s apartment. it felt strange being in “tim’s” place. the place smelled strongly of oak candles and was strewn with shelves full of books and newly found artifacts and small decorations.
a sleek black electric guitar sat next to a table, with an amp hooked up next to it neatly. headphones were hung straight on the wall above it.
it was crazy tidy, even seemed freshly vacuumed. his place was comforting, warm, welcoming, like a reside from a long journey.
he noticed a record player sat on top of a table next to a couple of framed photos.
jay sat next to the crate full of records on the floor, flickering through the large amount of them tim had collected. lana del rey, bobby caldwell, the pixies…jay recognized a lot of these records, he assumed they had a very similar music taste.
tim snapped jay out of his trance by sitting next to jay on the floor with two mugs of warm tea. it smelled of warm peppermint.
“didn’t know you listened to lana.” jay said, holding up her record in his hands.
tim smiled slightly, watching jay place the record on the player carefully, the needle creating a bit of static at first before melodies were heard.
“hey, um.” tim looked to the mug of warm liquid in his hands, seeming at a bit of a loss. “im sorry.”
jay flicked the volume on low. “i know. im sorry too.” he spoke almost as if he had rehearsed this conversation in his head a million times.
“i…i thought i was doing the right thing. i thought i could keep you safe.” it was clear tim was struggling with his words.
“tim, it’s okay. you didn’t know. i didn’t know either. we were both…losing it,” he chuckled somberly. “i don’t blame you for what you did. i understand it, i would have probably done the same if i were you.”
“but it still doesn’t sit right with me. i could have done something more. i could have,” tim swallowed thickly, dropping his head again. he could feel tears pricking in his eyes and a lump forming in his throat all over again.
tim felt a warm hand on the back of his own. comfort.
something he had only himself to do through all this. the last time he could remember something like this was a memory too fuzzy and painful to dig up all over again.
tears began to fall from his eyes and slip down his cheeks. how could this all be happening? how could he be here having a conversation with the one he mourned for months? the one he swore he was still mourning when he woke up that day. it made his head spin too fast.
but here jay was, rubbing careful circles into tim’s hand. he was here, and he was all too real. jay’s shoes by the door, his jacket hung up, and the record of his choosing spinning on the player.
“worrying about what you could have done is useless. there’s no changing it. and i know you would if you could.” jay said. he sounded so confident in his words, tim found himself nodding slightly.
“can you…tell me more about what happened? with you, after…” tim’s words trailed off, not really wanting to finish his sentence.
jay searched his mind for what he wanted to say for a moment before talking. “like i said, it’s still coming back to me. after benedict hall, i woke up in the hospital, i was told i had been in a coma, a couple weeks. severe memory loss, you get it. my doctors mandated me to stay for mental health treatment, cause of my behavior. so i spent a week or two in the psych ward.”
“you were in the psych ward?!” tim spoke loudly, causing jay to shrink back a little bit. “sorry-i just, wish i knew. i could have visited you or at least called you. god, jay...”
“it’s-it’s okay. it wasn’t all bad. just a lot of yelling and meds. i don’t remember a lot of that either. i just remember a lot of crying and talk therapy.” jay pulled his knees up to his chest, still keeping his hand on tim’s.
“and, therapy. are you still getting treated and everything?” wright’s voice was drenched in worry.
“yeah, yeah, i go twice a week. and my meds are working, so that’s good. it’s getting better,” jay rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand. “i uh, i thought about calling you…a lot. but i lost all my numbers. lost everything, really. i didn’t want to come crawling back to you. i didn’t know if it was right.”
tim looked up at jay, who was now sheepishly looking at the carpet.
“hey, it’s..alright. i get it, i guess. it hasn’t been easy for either of us. but i’m really, really glad i saw you.”
jay smiled a little, keeping his head down. “i am too. i missed you.” tim swore he heard a break in jays voice.
“i missed you too.”
for the first time that night, comfortable quiet soaked both of them, lana’s voice basking the room in low vibrations.
“so, how about you? how have you actually been holding up?” jay spoke with a tone that said, ‘don’t lie to me, i’ll know.”
of course he would know.
“not that great. it’s been difficult. i’ve been trying to distract myself, moving to the city, getting a full time job that keeps me busy, reading every book under the sun, playing guitar. it kinda feels a bit meaningless. i dont really know how to move on and continue after what happened, i’m sort of faking it until it’s real.”
“fuck, tim.”
“but it’s okay, it’s okay. im doing okay. it’s going better than it was. and it’s probably going to get a little easier now.”
jay smiled, giving tim’s hand a small squeeze.
tim liked this version of jay. the healthier version who spoke easier, who smiled more, and who enjoyed what he was doing with his life. it made tim excited, excited to see more of it, and watch him live his life. that’s what he’s always wanted for jay, right?
catching a glimpse of the clock in his peripheral, he realized, “oh, shit, it’s getting really late.” it was around one in the morning now.
“ah, i should get out of your hair for the night.” jay said, standing up from the floor.
tim followed suit. “oh, why don’t you just stay here?” the words came out too fast for tim to pull them back into his mouth. “i mean, it’s late, i wouldn’t want you out at this hour, and-“
“i’d love to stay. thank you.” jay was effortless. tim didn’t remember him being this smooth last time they talked. the transition from the anxious and jumpy mess that jay was to the sickeningly sweet and smooth talking person he was now made tim think about who jay could have been, if it weren’t for their entire ordeal.
tim’s face flushed a light pink. “of course. there’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, and i can grab you a change of clothes.” he gestured to the only other door in the apartment.
jay nodded and padded to the door, while tim brought the mugs to the kitchen and shut off the record player.
jay took a moment to take in the whole of tim’s bedroom.
it was pretty dark, but he could make out messy sheets and a bedside table with a couple books sat on top, along with a lamp.
he pulled the metal string attached to the lamp and the room was illuminated in a soft orange light. jay could now make out the closet and bathroom, along with plenty of papers hung on the wall and plants by the large window. it looked so quaint, so secure.
jay turned and walked into the bathroom, flipping the light on and shutting the door behind him.
with a moment to himself, he let out a long sigh, cupping his face in his hands. this all felt unreal. he tried to keep his composure, he desperately did. jay didn’t want to freak out on tim, bombard him with questions he wasn’t ready to have the answer to yet. he figured it would all come in time. for now, all he had to do was brush his teeth and go to bed.
so he grabbed the spare toothbrush and brushed his teeth, splashed his face with water, let himself breathe for a moment before stepping back out into tim’s room.
tim sat cross legged on his bed, changed into a white t-shirt and black sweatpants. a pile of clothes sat next to him.
“erm, i hope these fit you good. i dont have a lot of comfy clothes. i just wanted to say goodnight.” tim spoke a bit nervously.
jay tilted his head a bit. “don’t tell me you’re planning on sleeping on the couch.”
tim stammered a bit over his words. “well, i just wanted to give you space and everything.”
“i’m pretty sure we’ve shared a bed before.”
tim wanted to laugh. “i guess we have.”
jay grabbed the clothes from beside him and slipped back into the bathroom, quickly changing before popping back out.
“glad they fit.” tim said, watching jay fall into bed next to tim, head hitting the pillow with a soft sigh.
tim smiled, grabbing a book from his bedside table. he flipped it over in his hands.
“what have you been reading?” jay asked, turning on his side to face tim.
“it’s nothing interesting, an old western book someone left at the record store.” jay seemed extremely comfortable.
“i’ll be the judge of that, read some to me.”
tim raised a brow, but turned to his bookmarked page and cleared his throat. he couldn’t remember the last time he read to anyone.
“the missouri river flows golden between golden shores of sand. the summer wind carries a smell of rot from the north.”
“the group of men sitting on the riverbank don’t mind the smell much. they have grown used to it; the death smell is a part of their lives now. at the moment, they have their backs to it, and their gazes fixed across the river.”
“ “even the sky looks more inviting over there,” one young man says wistfully.”
“ “but it’s not,” another one argues irritably. “not friendly, I mean. that’s where only the Indians are allowed to hunt.” “
before tim had completely gotten entranced by his old western novel, he snapped out of his thoughts to see jay, eyes fluttered shut and breathing slow. he was fast asleep.
the sight warmed tim’s heart. made something in his guts flutter. it also made him realize how exhausted he had been since he stepped on the train earlier that night.
so, tim shut his paperback and clicked the lamp off quietly, making sure he wouldn’t disturb jay at all.
he slipped himself and jay under warm covers and let his head rest against plush pillows.
he stared up at the ceiling for a moment before shutting his eyes for the night. he knew he would sleep easy tonight. for the first time in a long time.
“it’s good to have you back, jay.”