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Heeseung pulled the boy under him closer, his hands roaming Jake’s back as Heeseung’s tongue eagerly explored every inch of his mouth.
Jake, fingers tangled in Heeseung's hair, felt a shiver run through him as felt the heat of Heeseung's palms against his bare skin under his shirt, his body arching instinctively into the touch, craving more already.
With a breathless whimper, Jake's breath hitched as Heeseung slid a possessive hand up his chest, thumbing over his hardening nipples. Heeseung withdrew slightly, his intense gaze locking with Jake's as he whispered, his warm breath ghosting over Jake's face, “You like that, baby?”
Jake's cheeks flushed, silently nodding to Heeseung's question, the familiar heat pooling in the pit of his stomach undeniable.
But Heeseung teased him further. With a teasing tilt of his head, Heeseung, wearing a condescending pout, rolled a nub between two fingers. “Oh, is that so?” He teased, relishing in Jake's subtle embarrassment.
Jake's gaze faltered, his admission faltering as a whimper escaped his lips, but he couldn't deny how much he loved when Heeseung talked dirty to him like this.
“You know the answer, Heeseung,” Jake tried to talk back—be bratty—however, his meek tone betrayed his attempt at defiance.
Heeseung only chuckled as he leaned back down and continued where his mouth left off, lips trailing down Jake’s neck, savoring the salty tang of sweat on his skin.
“God, you always taste so good like this,” Heeseung mumbled. As his lips and tongue sucked mark’s into Jake’s collarbone, a soft moan muffled under Jake’s lips as his hands found purchase on Heeseung’s shoulders.
Rucking Jake's shirt to his chin, Heeseung exposed Jake’s bare chest. Heeseung's hands traveled lower, sliding down Jake's sides and gripping his hips firmly as his breath teased Jake's chest.
Heeseung grazed his lips over one of the flushed buds, before taking it between his teeth, gently tugging. He coaxed a small moan out of Jake before arching into the touch, his hands gripping the fabric on Heeseung's shoulders.
Jake couldn't help but squirm under the sensation. Heeseung's touch was both commanding and tender, and he could feel Jake responding to every flick and tug. Soon, he moved his attention to the other nipple, giving it the same attention.
Heeseung’s tongue swirled around the hardened peak while his fingers pinch and twist the other, causing Jake to whine and writhe underneath him. The sensations were almost too overwhelming, but Jake craved more. He was left gasping, his hips bucking up against Heeseung involuntarily. The vibrations from Heeseung’s low groan on his chest only served to prompt another thrust upwards.
“You’re so eager tonight, hm?” Heeseung teased, before moving back up to capture Jake's lips in a kiss, his hand still focused on the now neglected nipple.
“I want you,” Jake pleaded, his fingers clawing at Heeseung's shoulders. Heeseung always knew exactly how to make Jake melt into a puddle at his feet.
“You always want me,” Heeseung responded, scoffing tauntingly at the boy, his tone dripping with arrogance.
“I can't help it,” Jake’s fingers tightening on Heeseung's shoulders, pulling him closer until their lips were only inches apart again. “Please, touch me.” Jake whispered, his voice raw with need.
But Heeseung’s smirk only widened, relishing in the power he held over Jake, the way he could make him squirm and beg with just the right tone. “You're so needy, Jake,” he observed, tracing Jake's jawline with his fingers. “Like you're in heat or something.”
A shaky sigh escaped Jake as he tried to suppress an impending moan, the damp strands of hair on Heeseung's forehead rustling with the movement. He felt his face burn up with embarrassment at Heeseung’s words, but deep down, he knew Heeseung was right. Jake’s sex drive was insane. It always has been.
“Please..” Jake begged one more time.
And Heeseung sort of complied. His hand finally slid down to grip Jake between his legs, rubbing slow circles against Jake’s cock that throbbed painfully against Heeseung's palm through his jeans.
Though it offered some relief, it wasn’t enough. Jake felt like he would go crazy if Heeseung doesn’t fuck him tonight.
“No…” Jake whined softly, frustration evident as he looked away, hips bucking up against Heeseung's touch as if throwing a temper tantrum.
“No?” Heeseung echoed, the same condescending pout gracing his lips once more, teasingly withdrawing his hand from Jake's crotch and trailing it tantalizingly up his side instead.
“No, don’t stop—” Jake gasped, desperation coating his words. “Just— you know what I want…come on, please.”
Heeseung watched with a bemused expression as Jake's desperation reached a breaking point. Jake, unable to withstand the torment any longer, seized Heeseung's hand and guided it back, pressing it firmly against his crotch.
"Please, Heeseung," Jake's voice was a desperate plea, his hips grinding slowly against the warmth of Heeseung's palm, swallowing hard. "I'll be good, I promise. Just... just give me something, please."
"You were getting too greedy earlier, Jake," Heeseung remarked, his tone an amused assertion. He withdrew his hand, leaving Jake once again yearning for the touch that seemed just out of reach.
A frustrated whine escaped Jake's lips as he tried to guilt trip Heeseung, his words feigning innocence. "It hurts, Heeseung. Please, just make it stop."
Heeseung, leaning in, let his lips graze against Jake's ear. “I wonder what would happen if I just left you here, all hot and bothered,” He mused. “Would you beg for me to come back and fuck you?”
Jake's eyes widened, heart dropping at the words, his breath hitching in his throat. Jake always loved Heeseungs dirty talk, but this felt different. The fear of losing Heeseung, of being abandoned, was something that always lingered in the back of Jake's mind. "W-what?" Jake's voice a fragile whisper of confusion and pain.
Instantly recognizing his misstep, Heeseung's dominant facade crumbled, replaced by a softer, more concerned expression. He pulled away, his eyes searching Jake's face. He knew that look, the subtle shift in Jake's eyes, the way his lips parted in a silent plea. It was a look he had come to recognize, one that appeared before a meltdown.
Shit, nothing could kill a boner quicker than the thought of one of Jake’s episodes.
"Jakey, I didn't mean—" Heeseung's voice trailed off, his attempts to soothe Jake falling on deaf ears as panic seized hold of Jake's trembling form. Guilt gnawed at him, twisting his insides as he realized the impact of his thoughtless words.
'N-no, don't...don't leave me,' Jake stammered, his breaths coming in short, ragged gasps, the fear and panic rising in his voice. “You can’t, I need you.” Jake's words tumbled out and tears began to gather at the corners of his eyes, his hands trembling as they clutched at Heeseung.
'Hey, hey, look at me,' Heeseung coaxed with gentle hands, lifting Jake's chin, meeting his gaze. 'I love you, Jake. I'm not going anywhere. I promise.'
"But you said—"
"It was stupid, I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.." But the reassurance came too late. Jake’s mind was already clouded with the fear of being abandoned and being unlovable.
He couldn't control his emotions, and before he knew it, he was screaming at Heeseung, his anguish transforming into simmering anger, his sobs morphing into sharp cries of frustration. "Don't touch me!" His voice, now laced with bitterness and resentment, echoed through the room as he pushed Heeseung away, his trembling form retreating from the bed.
“Jake, come here, I didn’t mean–”
"No!" Jake interrupted, his voice rising, hands trembled at his sides, clenched into fists. "Why can't you just admit it? Admit that you're planning on leaving me any day now. I’ve seen it in your fucking eyes, Heeseung, I know what you’ve been thinking."
Heeseung stepped off the bed, approaching Jake again, his movements slow and deliberate, voice gentle. "Listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you, right now, and I’m not planning on going anywhere. That's the truth."
But Jake was too far gone. "You think I'm stupid, don't you? You think I can't see what's going on? It’s like a big fucking neon sign!"
"No, I don't think you're stupid," Heeseung insisted. "I think you are the smartest, most amazing boy I know. I love you, Jake, I’m not going to leave you."
jake's eyes narrowed, and an angry smirk played on his lips. "Love? What do you even know about love.” His chest heaved with each ragged breath. “You're just here for the show, aren't you? The drama."
"I'm not here for the drama, Jake. I'm here for you," Heeseung replied, maintaining his calm demeanor.
Jake laughed bitterly at Heeseung's words, his laughter tinged with a hint of desperation. "You're such a fucking saint, aren't you? Staying calm while Jake goes off and makes himself look like a lunatic. Makes you feel like a hero, doesn't it?"
Heeseung took a deep breath, reminding himself to stay patient. "I’m not trying to make you look like anything, I’m trying to help you because I care about you."
"Oh, how noble of you," Jake spat out, pacing the room in frustration, the echoes of his steps reverberating. "You're probably recording this, showing it to all your friends, making fun of the crazy guy."
Jake paced around the room, his frustration boiling over. Heeseung followed, trying to maintain a safe distance. "Jake, I'm trying to be here for you, but this... this is hard." He refrained from voicing the thought that lingered on the tip of his tongue – 'you're making this hard for me' – aware of its potential to exacerbate the situation.
“Hard!” Jake barked in disbelief. "You should be grateful, Heeseung. I could be worse, you know. I could be abusive like those other assholes out there. This shit is not hard."
Heeseung flinched at the suggestion, his eyes widening in shock and hurt. "Stop, you know that's not fair.” Jake was trembling in anger, his face red. And Heeseung was still somehow able to stay collected. “I know you don’t actually think all these things you’re saying. I know you’re hurt and triggered and self sabotaging. But you’re not going to be able to push me away, Jake. I care about you, I love you.”
"You keep saying that you care about me," Jake spat, his tone bitter. "But what if you're just with me for the sex, huh? You ever think about that? I’m just a piece of ass to you, aren’t I?”
“Enough, Jake–” Heeseung's attempt to interject was met with a glare from Jake, a silent demand to be heard.
"You think I don't know what you want?" Jake's voice was low, dripping with accusation. "I bet if one day I say no to sex, if I'm not in the mood, you'll just take me anyways, won't you?"
Heeseung recoiled, shock and disbelief etched on his face, hands trembling. "Jake, what are you saying? I would never do that."
"Wouldn't you?" Jake's laugh was devoid of humor. "I know your type. I've seen it before. You're just waiting for the right moment to unleash the monster in you."
Heeseung's hands trembled, his eyes widening. "Jake, I would never hurt you. You know my past, you know what I've been through—"
"Oh, your sad backstory?" Jake's tone was mocking, his eyes glinting with a cruel satisfaction. "Just a convenient excuse for when you decide to play the victim, right? All 'Oh, I can't talk about it, it's too painful’ until you can use it to defend yourself, right?"
Heeseung's breath caught in his throat, his mind spiraling back to the memories he’s managed to keep away for a while now. He felt exposed, vulnerable in a way he hadn't experienced in years.
His voice, no longer steady, trembled like fragile glass on the verge of shattering. "I... I'm not playing the victim, Jake," Heeseung's words were barely audible, a fragile whisper carried away by the storm of emotions. His gaze dropped to the floor, avoiding Jake's piercing eyes.
It was a wound he had kept hidden, a secret he had entrusted to Jake alone. And now, to have it thrown back at him in such a callous manner, it was a betrayal beyond measure.
“But you are, aren't you? Using your past as an excuse for your fucked-up actions. You want me to feel sorry for you," Jake's voice dripped with contempt, his eyes narrowing as he stared down at Heeseung. “You were ten, Heeseung. It’s been years, people forget and change, you probably did too, for the worse!”
Heeseung's throat tightened, his attempts to form a coherent response was lost. He felt like a wounded animal, backed into a corner. His mouth opened, but only fragments of sentences, broken whispers, emerged. "I... I have never hurt you like that," Heeseung's voice was quiet.
"But you want to, don't you?" Jake's eyes bore into Heeseung, a gaze filled with mistrust and suspicion. "Deep down, you want to hurt me. I know you do. You're just waiting for the right moment."
Heeseung shook his head weakly, the movement barely perceptible. "No... never... I would never..."
As the tension in the room reached its peak, Jake's fury erupted into a torrent of harsh words. "Stop lying and just get the fuck out, Heeseung! Just leave!" His voice was a storm, relentless and unforgiving.
—
Heeseung's hands trembled, his breaths coming in short, sharp gasps. He needed air, space, something to ground him. He wasn't planning to actually leave, but he desperately needed a moment to himself–and a glass of water.
But as Heeseung made his way to the door, Jake's demeanor shifted dramatically. The anger in his eyes dissolved into fear, and his voice broke into a desperate, panicked sob.
"No, wait, Heeseung, please!" Jake stumbled forward, tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Please don't go."
Heeseung paused, his hand on the doorknob, his heart aching. He knew how fast Jake could switch up. But he needed a breather.
Jake's sobs filled the room as Heeseung stepped out. The kitchen felt like a different world, the quiet a stark contrast to the storm he had just left. Heeseung ran a hand through his hair, trying to steady his racing thoughts. He leaned against the counter, his body shaking with the aftershocks of what just went down, the cool surface offering a fleeting sense of comfort.
As he filled a glass with water from the tap, the sound of Jake's distressed cries echoed in his mind. Guilt gnawed at him with every sob that reached his ears. As the tap water overflowed in the cup without his knowledge, the water cascaded over his hands, memories beginning to flood his mind—memories of a past he had fought so hard to bury. He closed his eyes, trying to push them away, but they persisted, haunting him like ghosts from a distant nightmare. Heeseung took a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever might come next.
But before he could gather his thoughts, he heard the soft patter of footsteps approaching. He turned off the tap, and removed the full glass, turning around to find Jake standing a couple yards away, his eyes red and swollen, desperation painted across his face.
"Heeseung, please don’t go," Jake's voice was a broken whisper, pleading for forgiveness and understanding.
Heeseung's heart clenched at the sight of Jake's pain. Despite the hurtful words exchanged moments ago, he couldn't bear to see Jake in such anguish. He set the glass of water down on the counter, his expression softening with compassion.
Heeseung finally managed to speak, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I'm not leaving, Jake. Just give me a minute."
Jakes hands reached out as if wanting to seek physical comfort and reassurance from Heeseung. And as much as Heeseung wanted to give that to him, he genuinely just needed some space.
"I know I messed up, Heeseung. I didn't mean what I said. Please," Jake hiccuped his words, his voice choked with emotion. He tried to move closer to seek out touch again, but Heeseung took a step back.
“Jake..” Heeseung didn’t even look at him when he called his name, as if it was a warning–a plea.
But Jake lunged at him, wraping his arms around Heeseung, clinging to him with a grip that spoke of sheer terror. His body was a barrier, physically preventing Heeseung from taking another step.
"Jake, let me go. Just for a little bit, okay?," Heeseung pleaded, his voice steady but strained under Jake’s weight. He tried to shift his body, but Jake clung tighter, his grip almost painful.
But Jake's grip only tightened, his entire body shaking. "No, I can't. You'll leave. You'll walk out that door and never come back."
Heeseung gently attempted to pry Jake's arms off, his fingers brushing over Jake's trembling hands, but the attempt only seemed to fuel Jake's fear.
Tears streamed down Jake's face, his breathing ragged and erratic. "I'm not leaving, I promise."
Jake's face was buried in Heeseung's shoulder, his sobs muffled but intense, as if all of Heeseung's reassurance was going in one ear and out the other.
Heeseung could feel Jake's tears soaking through his shirt, the weight of his despair pressing down on him. "I can't lose you, Heeseung. You're my everything. Please, don't go."
The desperation in Jake's voice, the physical neediness, it was all too much. "Jake, you're hurting me," Heeseung pleaded, his voice strained.
"I don't care! You can't leave," Jake's voice had a childlike quality, and he sank to the ground like a little kid throwing a tantrum, absolutely ruined, clinging to Heeseung's legs. Heeseung staggered, trying to maintain his balance as Jake's weight pulled him down.
“Please, I’m going to fall if you don’t let go.” Heeseung’s knees buckled under the strain, his arms trembling as he tried to support both their weights.
But Jake's grip remained unyielding, his cries growing louder, echoing off the walls of the room.
With a final, strained effort, Heeseung managed to pry Jake's hands away. He stumbled backward, his breaths ragged, the shock of the cold floor against his body as he hit the ground momentarily grounding him in reality.
Quickly, he scrambled back to his feet, his muscles protesting the sudden movement. Heeseung stood, shaken and drained, taking a couple of minutes to gather his thoughts and steady his breathing.
As Heeseung regained some composure, he glanced at Jake, who still sobbed on the floor, body shaking.
After a while, Jake's voice, weak and trembling, pierced the quiet. "If you leave, I'll... I'll do it. I have pills. I'll take them all."
Heeseung sighed. Slowly, deliberately, he walked over to Jake, his movements gentle and cautious. He crouched down beside him, his hand reaching out to touch Jake's trembling shoulder.
He pulled the sobbing boy to his feet, and into his arms. Jake's sobs were muffled against Heeseung's shirt, his body shaking with each cry.
"Jakey, don't say things like that," Heeseung's voice was soft but firm, a blend of care and concern. He gently pulled back, cupping Jake's cheeks in his hands, forcing him to meet his eyes. "I love you so much, and I don’t like to hear that stuff. Don’t do anything to yourself, hm?"
Jake looked up, his eyes red and puffy, resembling a child lost in his emotions. Heeseung continued, his tone soothing yet serious.
“I know your hurting right now, and I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I should know better than to say certain things. But I would never abandon you, like that. I would never intentionally hurt you, Jake. Do you understand that now?”
Jake nodded, the childlike vulnerability still present in his eyes. He leaned into Heeseung, seeking comfort in his presence. "I'm sorry.. I don't want to be like this." Jake's lips quivered as he looked up at Heeseung, his expression a mixture of remorse and desperation. "I can... I can make it up to you,” he whispered, his voice trembling with uncertainty.
Heeseung's heart sank at Jake's offer, knowing all too well the self-destructive tendencies that often followed his apologies. Gently but firmly, he caught Jake's hands, halting them in their misguided mission. "Jake, you don't need to do that," he said softly, squeezing Jake's hand reassuringly. "You don’t owe me anything.”
"No, really– I can make it better," he insisted, his voice gaining a hint of urgency, leaning in, attempting to lock their lips.
Heeseung stopped him again, the intimacy not just inappropriate but painfully misplaced. “Jake, no, this isn't what we need right now.” His voice was firm, yet so gentle, just as is always was in these times.
Jake teetered on the edge of tears once again. He looked at Heeseung, his eyes searching for affirmation, "You don't want me?"
"Of course, I want you," Heeseung says softly, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Then why won't you kiss me? Are you mad at me now?" The hurt in his voice was evident, fearing rejection.
"No, Jake, it's not that. I promise." Heeseung chose his words carefully, sensing the potential for misunderstanding, and couldn't risk a lengthy explanation. “We just– we can’t do that right now, okay?”
But Jake struggled to understand. "But I messed up, and... and if I make you feel good, everything will be better again," he reasoned out loud, his voice a mix of desperation and misunderstanding.
Heeseung placed Jake’s hand on his heart, feeling its rapid beats beneath his palm. "Can you feel that?" Heeseung asked softly, watching Jake's expression closely.
Jake nodded, though the significance eluded him. Heeseung took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking. "Jake, listen to me. I can't have sex with you right now," he began gently, his voice tinged with sadness. "It's not because I don't want to, or because I'm mad at you. It's because I am not okay."
Confusion flickered in Jake's eyes, his emotional state still fragile. "But... why? I thought we were okay."
Heeseung's expression softened, his eyes filled with a deep sense of sadness. "I am not okay, Jake," he repeated quietly, emphasizing the "I" to make it clear that it was his own struggle.
Jake's heart sank at Heeseung's words, a wave of guilt washing over him. "Oh," he whispered, his voice barely audible.
Heeseung sighed, his heart still pounding as he struggled to find the right words. "If we were to go there while I'm feeling like this, it wouldn't be good for either of us. It would bring up bad memories, and I don't want to associate that with us."
Jake nodded slowly, his mind processing what Heeseung was saying through and through.
"I just can't..." Heeseung's voice trailed off. He held Jake's gaze, trying to communicate the depth of his words not just through speech but through the sincerity in his eyes.
His lip trembled, his ability to maintain eye contact faltering. “I’m sorry, Jake.. I really am. I love you so much, I promise.” He pulled Jake back into a tight hug, the other barely able to hug back.
After Heeseung's explanation, Jake became noticeably quieter. His sentences, when they came, were fragmented, as if he no longer knew what he was trying to say anymore. "I just... I didn't want you to...be hurt..." Jake's voice was barely above a whisper, the sentences incomplete, trailing off into the silence. The intensity of his earlier meltdown had given way to a numbing emptiness. And somehow feeling nothing at all feels worse that feeling everything all at once.
Heeseung, noticing the shift in Jake's demeanor and wiped his unshed tears from his eyes before focusing his attention back on Jake.
He encouraged Jake to drink some water from the glass he had never finished earlier. Jake complied silently, his movements delayed, the glass trembling slightly in his grasp. The meltdown had left him exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
"Let's go lie down for a bit, okay?" Heeseung suggested softly, his voice laced with care. "You must be really tired after all that."
Jake just nodded, his eyes downcast. He allowed Heeseung to lead him to the bedroom, where Heeseung announced he had to use the bathroom quickly.
As they entered the bedroom, Heeseung mentioned, "I need to use the bathroom real quick." As he turned to go, he felt a gentle tug on his shirt. Glancing back, he saw Jake wordlessly gripping the fabric.
Heeseung paused, a moment of stillness, a silent conversation passing between them. Then, Heeseung let out a small sigh, the sound tender and understanding. "Do you want to come with me?" he offered.
Jake didn't responde verbally, but he followed Heeseung to the bathroom, his steps dragging on the floor. Once inside, Heeseung made sure to leave the door open, and Jake stood in the hallway, facing the bathroom, picking as the skin on his thumb until it bled.
When Heeseung emerged, he found Jake exactly where he'd left him, standing quietly in the hallway. He immediately noticed Jake's thumb was bleeding. He knew this was Jake's way of coping with the numbness, a form of self-harm he resorted to since Heeseung had been vigilant about preventing him from cutting or doing anything else.
Approaching Jake with concern and disappointment, Heeseung carefully took Jake's injured hand in his. His voice was soft but carried the weight of his emotion as he spoke, "Jakey, we talked about this, remember? No more of this."
Jake's eyes met Heeseung's, filled with relief at being caught. It was as if it were a histrionic cry for help.
And Jake just nodded, staring at the floor as they walked back to the bedroom.