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Superman thought that the League's monthly team building evenings were important and showed themselves to be working pretty well in uniting the team. Clark thought that the idea was stupid after all and he shouldn't've brought it up in the first place.
He slumped in his chair, waiting for Oliver to come up with names. Batman held the opinion that 'fuck-marry-kill' should not be used as a bonding activity by heroes because of the implications of murder, and Clark was agreeing with him. For whole two minutes, until he remembered that he wasn't, in fact, a buzz kill, despite everything Barry, Hal and Ollie had as their arguments.
So they pulled Diana and Batman into this. It was weird to call him Batman all the time, but if the man didn't trust them enough, they had to respect it, even if it hurt. After all, it was Batman. He didn't trust everyone. No matter how many near lethal battles they fought together. It was a huge win he even agreed to participate at all.
"Okay," Oliver finally got an answer, "we've already had our fair share of actors, singers and TV show hosts, and no one fucking remembers how classical writers look," the whole room simultaneously looked at Batman, who just shrugged barely enough to be perceived, "so I guess, now famous billionaires edition. Lex Luthor, Bruce Wayne, Elon Musk."
"Hey! That's two villains on the list!" Hal shouted.
Oliver just smirked.
"So it will be harder to choose and more interesting to play. I'll go first. Fuck Bruce Wayne," Clark could swear that Batman rolled his eyes under the cowl, like he heard the most obvious thing in the world. And it made sense. He was an incredible strategist, and of course Bruce Wayne was the obvious choice out of those options. "Mmm… marry Luthor to inherit his companies when he inevitably dies of kryptonite poisoning, and kill Musk, he's probably insane."
"He is." Hal took his turn next. "Kill Elon Musk, let him and his excuse of an aircraft burn in hell, marry Luthor, I guess, and definitely fuck Bruce Wayne. He has a nice ass."
Batman pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Of course you would look at celebrities' butts…" he muttered under his breath and Clark disguised a little snicker as a cough in his fist.
"I still don't quite understand the appeal of this game," Diana said with half disgusted, half puzzled expression. "I don't want to marry anyone. Or kill."
"We're talking hypotheticals here," Barry said, "and saying that you'd kill someone in this context usually means nothing more than considering them the least appealing option. Like, I would never have anything sexual with the men I chose to 'fuck' in this game, but it's fun to try to justify my decisions with some bullshit reasoning."
Diana's face now looked even more puzzled, but she pushed through the uncertainty.
"So… I think, I would 'marry' Wayne then…" Batman smiled at that with just the corner his mouth and only miracle had saved Clark from audibly gasping. Their friend was finally starting to have fun! "Argh… can I 'fuck' the same person I 'married'?"
"No, the whole thing is that you gotta choose!" Ollie answered enthusiastically. Diana sighed.
"So 'fuck' Musk and 'kill' Luthor then."
Barry nodded, thoughtful for a second.
"I would probably marry Brucie too, he seems like a keeper and has a bunch of children, I like kids. On the other hand, Elon has even more kids than him, but they all have mothers, so I'm not sure how it would work."
Batman gripped his own chin and seemed to be deep in thought. Barry continued.
"I do not see Luthor as a man worthy of fuck, so my final verdict is to kill him, marry Brucie and fuck Elon."
"How many children does he have?" Batman looked genuinely interested in the conversation for the first time in the whole evening.
"Brucie or Elon?"
"Musk."
"Eleven."
"Shut the fuck up! There's no way!" Oliver exclaimed. "It should be illegal to have so many kids!"
Batman gave him a measuring glance with a raised eyebrow.
"For you? Definitely."
"For the billionth time, Roy had it coming–"
As Superman caught a glimpse of anger in Batman's features, he rushed to intervene.
"Enough of that, colleagues. Those meetings are supposed to strengthen the team's spirit, not bring it down by bringing up the old conflicts." If you two morons could solve it with words you already would have. But Superman couldn't say that, of course. And he really didn't want to pull his teammates off each other's throats again. "It's my turn now."
Except, he forgot to think about it while the others were giving their answers, so he had to make his own up on the spot now.
"There is no way I am choosing to marry or, god forbid… have an encounter with Luthor, so that leaves only one option."
Hal snorted.
"Honestly, the world would be a much safer place if you just fucked him already. Like, he's asking for it."
Clark just stared at him, flabbergasted. Batman was massaging his temples through the cowl. Diana closed her eyes and sighed.
They all were lucky that Arthur and J'onn weren't able to join them today. Clark had no idea what he would do if the king of Atlantis had witnessed this childishness. And how in the world they would explain all that mess to a martian.
"Excuse me, what is that supposed to mean?!" he finally pushed out just because he had to say something.
Oliver shrugged with one shoulder.
"I mean, I'm not a psychiatrist," he began offhandedly, "but mixing his own DNA into a clone of you does come across as some fucked up unresolved desires…"
Batman dropped his forehead on the table and groaned. It distracted Clark a bit from his righteous indignation — to see Batman so utterly annoyed he started to behave like a person.
Thankfully, Barry came to Clark's aid.
"Please, let's just move on. Superman, don't listen to those goofballs."
And Superman breathed and didn't listen to those goofballs.
"So. I think. I would marry Wayne, because he seems like the least corrupted person of them all, and you don't want to be stuck in a marriage with a person you can't stand."
A weak groan died in Batman's throat again.
"Please, somebody kill me already," he muttered into the table so low and earnestly pleading, Clark thought only he was able to hear it. He involuntary smiled at his friend's tries to struggle through this circus of human interactions.
"Kill, obviously," he put an emphasis on the word, "Luthor, and that leaves Elon to…" he just trailed off.
Silence filled the room, only a few muffled snickers coming from Oliver at first at him, then at the sight of Batman with his head resting on the table. That was the most informal anyone had ever seen him.
"Batsy," Oliver verbally pocked at him. Physically even he wouldn't risk. "It's your turn. Come on, spill."
Batman let out a very long sigh and spoke louder into the table.
"Fuck Bruce Wayne."
"That just sounded like you insulted him!" Barry snorted.
"I did. I hate him, he's annoying. I would prefer if he didn't exist."
"Oogh. That's a bit harsh." Hal made a face. "I know we're joking about killing people here, but damn… that's cold. I mean, even for you."
Diana furrowed her brows.
"I thought Wayne had a foundation to help people with accessing medical care and repairing property damage caused by villain attacks? And he is very good with children. Isn't that enough to at least consider respecting him?"
"I'm sure," Clark began, not knowing himself where the newly found hatred for Gotham's richest himbo came from, "that if mister Wayne truly was that bad, you would've told us already. It is your city of action after all."
"Or maybe that is your way of saying he's a douchebag. That would be uncool, I really thought he was a good person," Barry added.
Batman lifted his head and sat straight.
"You want a real answer?"
There was a dangerous and playful edge to his voice, and his controlled smirk sent shivers down Clark's arms.
"Fuck or marry Brucie Wayne is a good strategy, given the other options. I understand your logic. I considered marrying Luthor for the companies, but that would be a bad decision due to family complications. So I have to go with the Musk option and get custody of his children, if they would agree to this. Though I'm certain I would absolutely destroy Luthor in a divorce or inheritance process."
Oh god. He had actually thought about this. Clark wasn't sure what he expected, it was Batman, but still.
"As for Bruce… I cannot legally marry him, killing is off the table because of the children, and… well." His smirk grew into a creepy grin. "I suppose, with some magical assistance I could, theoretically, go fuck myself, but…"
The whole Justice League was stunned and speechless. Batman was laughing.
The Flash finally lived up to his name, being the first one who spoke.
"Wait, what do you mean yourse–"
Batman pulled off the cowl.
"Boo."
Completely seriously said Bruce Wayne.
Somewhere on the periphery of Clark's hearing Green Lantern squeaked and then screamed.
Bruce freaking Wayne gave all of them a chilling glance and bursted out laughing. He bended at the waist, braising himself with one hand on the table. Then clapped the other against it several times before wiping the tears in his eyes.
"Oh my god, your faces!.." he wheezed and moved both his hands to his forehead. "I've got to save the security footage or Dick will never believe me."
The room was still silent except for the laughing man in the Batman costume. Then Wonder Woman spoke.
"Who are you?"
The laugh was gone. Almost. The man still had an infuriating smirk.
"I thought it was obvious. Bruce Wayne. Nice to meet you."
Clark mentally got into mission mode and sternly asked a question himself.
"What are you doing in Batman's costume, and here?"
The smile seemed to drop completely off the man's face for a second, but then he bursted out laughing even harder than before.
"You think… you think–"
"That is so unfair," Flash said bitter, "he gave me so much shit when I got Wally to fill in for me on one of these stupid meetings, but he dressed up a fucking Bruce Wayne as himself?!"
Wayne seemed to have some sort of seizure from laughing, Clark didn't know how else one could describe his reaction.
When he finally breathed out the laughter, Wayne turned to Diana, who was ready to restrain him with her lasso at any moment.
"May I?" He gestured at her hands. "I think it would make everything way easier."
She narrowed her eyes and threw the lasso around the man.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Bruce Wayne," he answered cheerfully. "Currently." And then all the cheer was gone, leaving a dead-serious expression and murderous glare. "And now I am Batman."
Clark couldn't hold back the gasp this time, but thankfully he was not the only one. It was unmistakably Batman's signature voice.
"A simple mental trick to keep the personas separated," Batman said, and it was really Batman, with Bruce Wayne's face that looked nothing like the carefree celebrity they were used to see. And then it morphed into something inbetween. "Though Dick says that the cowl is just too tight for my head." Diana removed the lasso. Green Arrow recovered next.
"You old son of a bitch!" he slapped Wayne hard on the back.
"I missed you too, Ollie, the last gala was wonderful, as always," he said with too obvious for Batman sarcasm. And then looked straight Clark in the eyes.
"Honestly, I feel betrayed. I thought you figured out my identity mouths ago. Investigative journalist who can see through walls, my ass."
Clark spluttered.
"Well I'm sorry for respecting your privacy, mister Batman!"
"Please, call me Bruce."
And all Clark's freaking out had dissipated again at the sight of his friend's genuine smile.
He smiled in response.
"You are evil."
Bruce let out a two-syllable laugh.
"I just have a sense of humour, contrary to popular belief. My children love to joke that this is why Joker chose me as his nemesis. I don't like to mindlessly joke around, but I do know a good punchline when I see one. And this was a one in a lifetime opportunity. If I'm going to reveal my identity eventually, might as well take it."
"You bastard… cold, calculating prank machine…" Barry said with awe. "It was you, who replaced all my energy bars with the ones with raisins on April fools! And I blamed Ollie and Hal!"
Bruce laughed at that, but shook his head.
"No. I think it was actually one of my children."
"In the Watchtower?!"
"They have their ways."
"Wait, does it mean… oh my god. All the Robins are rich orphans. That explains so much."
"Well, not all of them…"
Suddenly, Batman's communicator came to life.
"Yes, Oracle?" He started full bat-mode, but quickly switched to an annoyed dad tone. "Of course you already have your hands on the footage. Don't show anybody yet, I want to see their faces. Payment… I will give you that case that was lying in commissioner's desk for five months. Okay. Tell Agent A you'll come to dinner. Batman out."
The room was awkwardly silent once again, everyone wanting to say too much but not knowing how or where to start.
Bruce cleared his throat and sat comfortably in the chair.
"So, to answer the question… Kill Lex Luthor, marry Elon Musk, fuck Bruce Wayne."