Work Text:
Dean was staring at him again, he could feel his grace picking up on it. He'd been doing that a lot recently, at least more than he usually did. It made Castiel squirm under his gaze and he tried to ignore it. Since he'd been human he'd been more attached to Dean than ever but the hunter seemed to be pulling away from him. Staring at him longingly from a distance instead of talking to him. Castiel was starting to miss Dean even though they were, more often than not, in the same room.
He loved this man, he had for years and he was happy enough that Dean even tolerated him after all he had done, but seeing him closed off, with that un-named emotion in his eyes, carved at Castiel's core. He'd tried to hide his feelings, lest he make Dean uncomfortable but maybe he had figured it out? It would make sense that he would be backing off if that were the case. He furrowed his brow and buried himself in the book he was reading, trying to ignore the pinpricks of Dean's stare.
He'd felt the connection to this man's soul since he seared his handprint into his skin. He knew from that moment that their lives would be irrevocably intertwined but he didn't expect falling from grace for him, then falling deeply in love with him. Castiel tried to push aside the dreams he had about what their future could look like. Dean wouldn't want that, he loved Lisa, he wanted a woman to settle down with. He wanted to be away from the hunting life, away from the monsters, the inhumanity, the angels.
—————
It was another day in the bunker but it was all getting too much. Dean's desire was consuming him, pinning him down and it made the air feel suffocating. The tides of his emotions were like being surrounded by an army of demons, too many to fight, forcing him into submission. It was an eternal war inside his mind, trying to fight away what he felt. He was an unforgiving and brutal weapon, raised to kill what he deemed deserved it. He wasn't made to be a soft lover with calloused hands, but he couldn't resist the draw of the way that Castiel's head cocked to the side when he was asked a question or the way his eyes showed his smile so brightly in that deep, electric blue.
His best friend was sat across from him at their research table. They were scouring the books looking for something to help with their case but Dean couldn't focus, too absorbed in watching Cas read, his brow furrowed in concentration. He thought it was cute, not that he would ever admit such a thing to himself, let alone Cas. He never needed to confess before now and what did an angel know about human love? It would just confuse things, cause an un-fixable rift in their friendship. He couldn't risk that. He couldn't let his feelings be the final straw after everything that they've been through together.
He lowered his head, trying to focus again on the book in his hands, the dust on the old leather rubbing off on his grease-stained fingers. He'd go work on Baby, later, he decided. Put his mind to something cathartic instead of tormenting himself with something he knows he can't have. He was never built for a relationship anyway, it always failed for him. Even when he thought he'd finally be happy with Lisa, Destiny, Fate, the fucking Universe intervened, forcing him back to his old ways. It just wasn't a life cut out for him, no matter how many times he woke up crying from dreams - of him and Castiel in a little house of their own, raising Jack together, with a garden for Cas to tend and look after a small beehive in - grieving the life he couldn't have.