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It was pretty clear to all involved that Hilary was going to sign a contract with the Pride. You didn’t even need to follow hockey to know that even if Hilary wasn’t totally onboard with the team, she was completely in support of the NWHL succeeding, which meant Boston and her would continue to be acquainted.
But what was less clear was where Amanda was going to sign.
Hilary clearly had allegiance to Boston, and that was a natural market already established. But her other Gophers and national teammates have been scattered to the Beauts, Rives, and Whale; the league was planned pretty clearly. Amanda knew about the history of women’s professional soccer in the US—well, she knew it had been a lurching, limping, slowly succeeding venture that had stars that were put on teams in leagues who didn’t survive. Amanda was proud, exceedingly, joyously proud of all she had accomplished at Minnesota, not to mention her Olympic medals, but she really, really wanted to play professional hockey for her job.
Thankfully, neither Phil nor Blake made the fatal error or teasing her about wanting to make a real job out of the one constant in her life. Well, they didn’t tease too much, but neither of them would truly get it. Even with all of them and the world knowing that Blake was never going to go further than seeing an NHL bench, and that Phil could feasibly go to any team except Boston, at least they both could choose to not just play hockey, but keep hockey in their lives. Amanda had spent so long and so many awful dreadful days unsure of whether she would get to skate with a puck and a stick again; she just wanted the same choice her brothers did.
“What, couldn’t handle being in Boston?”
Amanda laughed, “Fuck you, Knighter.”
“You know, I could show you a whole new world—“
“Is this the National Women’s Hockey League or The Voice?”
“How about fuck you. I have the voice of an angel!”
Amanda had been pinging options off of teammates for awhile. Being out for concussion sucked, no two ways about it. It sucked so much hairy asshole she was tempted to murder people if she could always keep her balance; but on the better of the bad days, Amanda could refocus on bigger pictures. She was taking a lightened load of classes in the fall, but she still needed that as a back-up…also to continue at Minnesota as a student-athlete you needed to continue the student aspect. Which Amanda was totally on board with! She was! But, well, she wanted hockey.
When Hilary practiced with the Ducks in October 2014, Amanda was in the middle of writing a midterm for her adolescent & youth development theories course. It was a nice distraction from looking at the Gophers’ schedule and not going to the games; Hilary practicing with the Ducks, not her term paper. Knowing she was out there, being the face, doing well, and impressing people for more than just a publicity stunt—well, that’s all Amanda had ever wanted for Hilary. Hilary lived and breathed hockey in a way that only others in their circle understood. Once you make it to playing on boys’ teams, and doing travel leagues, and ODP camps, you start seeing the same people, the same names, the same experiences. But Hilary wasn’t mind-blowingly focused in a way that made her into a robot; she wasn’t afraid to live life and play hockey all at the same time. Amanda wanted her. Amanda wanted hockey.
“I don’t think they necessarily want us on the same team…”
Ah, life. Hilary’s sigh traveled clearly over the phone. “Well, yeah, I get that, but still, if anyone has clout, it’s the superior Kessel!”
“You know I don’t like when you call me that…” Amanda trailed off, picking over the produce at the Giant. One hand kept the phone to her ear and the other prodded at tomatoes. She was at home, which seemed like the place to be instead of helping Phil pack up his Toronto apartment, and Hilary was lying out on the beach. Amanda honestly couldn’t remember which state Hilary was in, but in the grand scheme of things, you could count on Hilary to be at a rink or a beach. “There’s other Kessels, you know.”
“Sorry I’m biased, but it’s true! I can’t help it.”
“Well, be that as it may, I’m torn between Buffalo and New York. Bozie’s there, but the Rivs are the face, and well, I think I could be a good heart with them.”
Amanda heard what sounded like Hilary moving around on her towel. “Have you made your pro and cons list?” Hilary asked.
“Of course, multiple times. I just—ugh! I wish I just knew.”
“Hey, you don’t need to have it all figured out right now, Kess.”
“I’m gonna need to play somewhere!”
“Well, duh! At some point, yeah you’ll need to give Rylan and company an answer, but not right now, literally, not right now.”
Amanda sighed. “Oh, no you’re, well you’re right..”
“Yeah, so breathe and you’ll figure it out. I’m in Florida through Thursday, and then we’re still good for Friday, right?”
“Yeah, we’re still good. You remember Decker’s old couch?”
Hilary groaned. “Distinctly. I think I named one of the mattress springs. Please don’t tell me—”
“No, I didn’t buy it,” Amanda said, tying off the produce bag of tomatoes and put it in her grocery cart. “But the sublease does come with nearly the exact replica and it has your name written all over it.”
“You know, some folks tell me they’re gonna put me up on a shitty couch, they don’t get the pleasure of my company.”
“But you’ll make an exception for me?”
“You, my dear blondie, will always get the pleasure of my company.
Amanda was very thankful she was in public and had not accepted the call with video because she knew her face was fucking lit up blushing. “Oh, lucky me,” she breathed.
“See ya,” Hilary said, and it sounded like a promise more than a goodbye.
Amanda was very happy Hilary was going to come over for a few days, join her in tandem workouts, and help her decide which team to sign with. Rylan really did need an answer and Bozie could only prod her so many times. Amanda was not thinking about the fact that Hilary was bright, happy, talented joy and would be staying in her apartment with no parents, brothers, or teammates to…interfere. Amanda was not thinking about how she had what could in a best case scenario be described as a crush on her hockey-personified teammate. Amanda was very happy and not thinking.
Amanda was—oh fuck, she was freaking out. Hilary, who used her swipes to get a small mountain of gatorades in Sochi; Hilary, who used a GoPro and could smile in front of cameras and human beings for longer than an hour; Hilary, who could move and play in a way that took her breath away. Oh, wow, Hilary was going to be 12 feet away and Amanda could not think.
They texted a few times in the interim of Hilary lounging on sand on Palm Beach, but otherwise didn’t talk until Hilary called to say she had landed.
“Yeah, yeah, and fuck you, too, buddy! Sorry, traffic is murder—see you at baggage claim arrivals, Hil,” Amanda said.
“Sounds good, please don’t murder anyone to pick me up!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Amanda muttered before hanging up.
Hilary and her bag were gathered at the curb, ready for when Amanda pulled up. It was a flurry of movement and a quick hug, but they finally pulled away from airport roads and headed to Amanda’s apartment.
Amanda sighed as she pulled up to her apartment complex. It was the first time Hilary had ever been there and Amanda had spent most of the morning cleaning. Even as she had wiped down her kitchen sink, Amanda had wondered how that was going to get her in a position to kiss Hilary, but still she scrubbed. Oh, life.
“Dude, this is awesome!” Hilary pronounced when she came in the door, dropping her bag at the entryway. “I love that kitchen table area.”
“Thanks, the furniture came with the sublease,” Amanda said, unwilling to take complete credit for something she had not only no control over, but was only utilizing for a few months.
“I love the lights over the table, did you do the lights?”
“Oh, yeah, I did those for a project in one of my classes last semester. I thought they’d go okay above the table.”
“They really do,” Hilary murmured while touching one of the hanging lantern-lights. Then she whirled around and pointed at Amanda. “Okay, give up the goods—which door is your baño?”
“Second door on your right,” Amanda said. She grabbed Hilary’s bag and brought it further into the living room so she could shut her door. She didn’t know where Hilary would probably want it, so she just left it in front of the TV. Then, Amanda didn’t know what to do so she sort of walked around Hilary’s bag. Then, she realized that was idiotic, so she sat on the equally uncomfortable loveseat and turned her phone open to check if she had any texts. Then she checked again because she forgot the time. Then she just put it on the side table because if she held her phone in her hands one more time she was going to break the buttons from nerves.
Hilary appeared out of the bathroom and sat down next to Amanda on the loveseat. “So, what’s the plan?” Hilary’s weight was making Amanda gravitate towards the center and while that was technically not a big deal, Amanda was freaking out.
“Whatever you want, I guess. We should probably go run later, get your legs stretched out from the flight, but otherwise I didn’t have anything planned except for eating at this cafe place in midtown.”
“Ooh, the place with soft-serve you won’t shut up about?” Hilary teased.
Amanda faux-scoffed. “You should be careful I don’t just leave you on the couch with the springs calling your name.”
Hilary held up her hands in truce. “Apologies, oh queenly host.”
“Hmm, better,” Amanda said still trying to be in character…and then she giggled.
Hilary put on some different workout clothes and they went for a run through one of the campus loops. It was quiet and peaceful; they only got a few looks because Hilary was a pretty tall figure running. Funnily enough, their strides weren’t too different. They went to Creamsicle and Hilary only made fun of her once, so Amanda was counting it as a victory.
“So, where are you thinking?” Hilary asked. “You said Rivs and Beauts earlier this week—is that still the case?”
“Yeah,” Amanda said around bites of her panini, “but really, I think I’ve made up my mind. Buffalo gets fucking cold, and I think I’m ready not to see perpetual winter. I’ve never lived in any city as big as New York, so I’d kinda like to try that, you know?”
“Definitely. Why do you think I’ve stuck around in Boston for so long? Hard to beat the constant life always around you. Once you’re in you don’t wanna go.”
“Makes sense.”
“So, what’s the but?”
“Well, you’re right, I think I could sign at any of the four fairly easily. Not necessarily because I’m ready—“ Amanda spoke over Hilary’s outraged ‘hey!’ “—though I am, or because I have any built-in chemistry with the teams, which I sort of don’t—shh, hush yourself, Hil! I’ve been out for over a year not playing with any organized team, coaches should be apprehensive.”
“There’s a difference between no recent team experience, and not having any chemistry. The first I’ll grant you for the recent, but the second? No way. You have chemistry in literally anything you do. You start a pick-up game with strangers and you could make it work. You’re, well, that skill is amazing.”
Amanda blushed. “Oh, well.”
Hilary grinned.
Amanda had kept it pretty well together all throughout dinner keeping the awkward staring to a minimum. When they returned to her apartment after getting milkshakes, Amanda’s luck ran out in spectacularly awkward fashion.
“I’m really sorry about the couch—there’s uh, there’s plenty of room with me in my very large bed. It’s really awful and is making my butt hurt just sitting on it, you shouldn’t sleep on this. I mean,” Amanda said in a rush, “You can sleep anywhere you want, god, sorry. The couch, or with me.”
Hilary’s mouth was hanging open a little bit.
“In the large bed! It’s a, a queen, so, anyway. Whatever, it’s only 9, so I’m not trying to rush you to make a move, but.” Amanda cut herself off almost mid-breath and then forcibly brightened, “So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way—“
“I was going to wait until later—“ Hilary interrupted.
Amanda and Hilary looked at each other and then interrupted each other again apologizing. Amanda laughed, and said, “You go first.”
“No, you should—“
“Guests first,” Amanda said smiling. This was getting out of hand; Hilary was going to run for the hills if Amanda got anymore awkward.
“Uh, okay,” Hilary said. She looked uncomfortable, and adjusted her hat. “Well, I was going to wait until later to ask this, but would you like to uh, well, would you like to hangout with me in Palm Beach?”
“Sure,” Amanda would agree to any scenario that had Hilary in a bikini. “When were you thinking? Is Decker still gonna be there with you?”
“Um, any time that worked for you? And, uh, maybe? I wasn’t really…” Hilary took a deep breath, “uh, I was thinking you could come down and I would show you to all the good spots…” Hilary trailed off. She was staring really intently at one of the lantern-lights over the table, or Amanda thought that was where Hilary was staring.
“Of course, sounds chill! Or well, warm…Let me go get my laptop to check my calendar—“ Amanda made to move off the couch, but Hilary’s arm stopped her.
“A date,” Hilary said. “I mean—this would be a date. Where I would take you places. To date you.”
Amanda couldn’t breathe. Sound was rushing in her ears, or really, the lack of sound? It was a whooshing in her ears that drowned all thoughts and air out.
Hilary cleared her throat. “Okay, so, that’s fine, sorry—“
“Really?”
A pause as Hilary stopped mid-sentence. “…Yes, really. I know our schedules don’t really match up, and we won’t be in the same city, and that’s assuming you’re even interested in me, oh my god I am so sorry—“
Amanda kissed her. It was the easiest way to get Hilary to stop needlessly apologizing. Except Hilary had been mid-word and not prepared for lips to cover her own, so there was some painful unexpected biting and teeth-clashing. There was silence as Amanda broke away when Hilary stopped talking.
“Yes,” Amanda said. “Oh my god, yes.”
Hilary started smiling. “Oh, good.”
A thought struck Amanda. “Wait, was this basically a cross-country date, wasn’t it?”
“Well, yeah,” Hilary started laughing. “I mean, I was going to use any reason, but I was really glad you wanted someone to help you with your decision. Decker was gonna kick me out of our condo if I stuck around one more week trying to figure out how often I could call you. Sorry, sorry—she doesn’t know it’s you that I’ve been stressing over, but I needed to talk to her about… well—“
“—your feelings?” Amanda supplied.
Hilary leaned in and this time the kiss was as smooth and perfect as any give-and-go-through-the-fivehole shot she and Amanda had ever produced. “Yeah, my feelings,” Hilary said against her lips. “I can’t promise she hasn’t figured out it’s you, but I swear I never told her.”
Amanda smiled, but she knew it was small. She wasn’t angry, she was just scared. She’d never put labels on anything, she just knows that wanted to kiss Hilary for years. “Don’t apologize, I’m not angry, I just, don’t know quite what to say.”
“That’s okay, too.”
Amanda was quiet, and stared at her hands. Her left hand was so close to Hilary’s that she knew she could just reach over an inch and they would be touching. If she reached over a couple inches, she could be holding Hilary’s hand. “I never really imagined a scenario where I was telling people I was…gay. Not that I won’t, ever, but I’ve kept my feelings, my…feelings for you, secret for so long now that I’m just used to being quiet.” Amanda felt like she was moving a mountain, but she was just moving her hand so it slid neatly in with Hilary’s. Natural fit.
“Well,” Hilary said, “you can be as loud as you want with me, Kess.”
“Thank you,” Amanda leaned in to kiss Hilary, but stopped, grimacing. “But, I do have one thing to say, and I hope this doesn’t piss you off, but, well…”
“Amanda, what is it?” Hilary asked, her concern was clear.
“I’m going to pursue a contract with New York, not Boston.” Amanda waited.
“Is… that… it?” Hilary said.
“I’d like to play hockey with you on a team other than every six months, but I really think the right spot for me is in New York.”
“I can’t lie and say I haven’t dreamed about it myself, to be putting on a uniform next to you more than USA red, white, and blue, but I definitely wasn’t looking to sway you away from your choice. Honest. I wanted to kiss you just for you, not to get you to play on my team,” Hilary said. “I mean, I wasn’t trying to steal you for my _hockey_ team. I definitely wanted to get you to play on me kissing-team.” Hilary was smirking.
“Oh good,” Amanda murmured, leaning closer, “I like that team. Do you want to play now?”
“Oh my god, Amanda,” Hilary breathed.
And so they played.
(Hockey, too!)