Work Text:
It started in the room with the pictures. You shouldn’t inspect everything again. You shouldn’t want to hear these conversations again. But you do. You loved seeing everyone’s shocked expressions when Bonnie claims you let them have vodka. That was why you did this. Not because you liked seeing these pictures. They were kind of gross, weren’t they? You couldn’t imagine doing something like that.
Your gaze travels to Isabeau as he comments on the pictures. Nothing more than a mild amused acknowledgement, but… You know people are supposed to like this kind of stuff. You know Isabeau probably does.
You think about what you realized in the last loop, in what Isabeau has been trying to tell you this whole time. He has… Feelings for you. Or he likes you. Or… Your fingers dig into the sides of the drawing a little harshly, enough you can feel a small tear. Maybe he’s in lust with you. Maybe he wants to do these things with you. The thought makes you feel… Disconnected, a little gross. You’re only pulled out of this thought when Bonnie asks if they can look at the pictures.
Sorry Bonnie, some things are just for adults.
You’re an adult, aren’t you- Yes, that was a funny joke to play on Bonnie- But you’re an adult. You’re… An adult, and adults are supposed to want these things. It had never been a concern of yours when you were wandering. It wasn’t like you had any meaningful relationships. But Isabeau likes you. And, if you ever leave this loop, you’re supposed to want to do those things with him. …If he still wants you when this is all over.
The thoughts stick with you. They follow you to the garden room. Half zoned out, you run your hand down Isabeau’s arm as you pass each other.
“S-” He cuts off before saying your name. He’s… Oh, that’s an expression you’ve never seen on him before. Shock, embarrassment, and something else. He’s trying not to think about it too.
…Disgusting. You’re vile, doing that to him, touching him like that. You wish he had touched you back. Not… In that way, but in any way. If he touched your shoulder or held your hand, you think you’d be so deeply relieved. You wish he would touch you. You wish that any of them would, but Isabeau most.
(You think of a hand hovering over your shoulder, you think of how you wanted to pull him into a kiss, but you didn’t. You waited, waited, like a good person. Like you weren’t greedily, hungrily waiting for him to touch you.)
Maybe if you offered him… That, he would take you up on it. You feel gross. You feel like a terrible person. You are a terrible person. Why would he want you that way anyway? It’s not as if you’re attractive. You can’t even say you have a cute face, marred with your eyepatch now. And your body… When you get to the picture room, you admire yourself a little, pulling up your cloak so you can see your form.
Or really lack of form. You don’t have any definition. You’re like a straight line. Nothing cute or handsome or charming about this shape.
“Say froooooo-” Isabeau drags out his words. The picture snaps. That’s weird, that’s never happened before. Isabeau always says to say fromage and then Bonnie gets their face right up to the mirror. As you’re pondering this, Odile picks up the image.
“Oh for… Siffrin, you should have this.” Odile hands the image over
You have your cloak pulled up in the image and Isabeau is… Staring. Staring hard. There’s that unreadable look on his face again. It makes your mouth go dry. Oh. Maybe the idea that he’s lusting after you wasn’t incorrect.
You’ve never been looked at like that before. Everyone else (except Mirabelle) is looking at you too. Odile seems annoyed, and Bonnie seems confused. You imagine you must have looked strange with your cloak all pulled up like that. Stupid, you need to remember that what happens in these loops have consequences. …But not this one. You’ve definitely messed this one up. You decide to end this one off by looking at the stars in the astrology room. That will calm you down, will make this gross feeling in your skin go away.
Staring at the stars, a thought roots itself into your brain and refuses to go away. You dream about it even as you touch the Tear. Of warm hands all over you.
You approach Isabeau next to the Favor Tree. As you approach, you glare at the spot that Loop’s kicking feet normally are. They probably know what you’re up to, but if they do, they don’t say anything. You think if they did, you would stab yourself and then them. You approach Isabeau. You say your lines.
“Hahaha! Yeah!!!! Yeah!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!” He reacts like your pun is the funniest thing in the world. You love seeing his smile when you make that stupid tree puns. As he laughs, his hand lifts, right over your shoulder, hovers there for a moment, but never touches you. He never touches you, and you need him to touch you so badly, you feel like you’re on fire. Calm down, calm down, breathe, but not too much. Not so much that he notices.
“Haaaa, that was funny…” You’re glad he likes your joke. You have to fight to avoid zoning out. Talk to Isabeau. Talk to him. Your breath catches in your chest. Once you say it… There’s no going back. Isabeau, for his part, is waiting expectantly for you to do something.
So you do.
“I have a favor to ask, but not the tree.” Smooth, starting smooth. Maybe you can actually do this. Maybe it won’t feel so weird when you actually ask?
“A favor? What’s up Sif? Something I can help you with?” Isabeau, naïve to your disgusting intentions, smiles. You know he would do just about anything you asked.
Yes, just touch me, just hold me. Hug me, hold my hand. Do something, please. You want to beg him, but you don’t. You’re not that disgusting yet. Instead, you’re just… Going to give him what he wants. What you think he wants. Maybe he’ll reject you. Maybe he’ll be disgusted at you and you’ll have to run off to loop and pretend this never happened.
“Sif?”
Don’t zone out! This is important, talk to him. “Sort of… It’s complicated. I can’t ask right now-” Because a certain star is watching and you’re sure Loop will fall out of the tree laughing when you speak up. “But, tonight, when everyone goes to sleep, can you come out to the field with me? There something I want to do, and I need your help for it.”
“And can I know what that something is?” He asks good naturedly, but when he sees you flinch, he immediately back peddles. “You don’t have to tell me! It’s fine! I trust you Sif, whatever it is, I want to help you with it.”
You feel your face grow darker, flushed. It feels warm. “It’s okay to say no. Now, or later. If you don’t want to, it’s fine. I just, can’t say what it is yet.”
Isabeau cracks a big smile. “A surprise then! I’m sure I’ll be happy to help with whatever it is.”
You should hope that he is. You’re doing this for him. Because it seems to be what he wants. You’re not doing it because it might be the only way to get him to touch you. You aren’t doing this because even though you feel gross about it, you want to give him a reason to stay with you. You don’t want to think about your reasons.
“I should… Probably talk to the others about the sleepover.” You move to end the conversation.
“Sleepover?” You tense. Oh, right, you forgot to talk to Isa about the sleepover.
“Ah! Mira wanted to have a sleepover at the clocktower, because it’s our last night in Dormont.” You quickly recover, but can’t help bristling a little, like a surprised cat. “Did you want to…?”
“Have a sleepover? Crab yeah!” Isabeau laughs. “Doesn’t the clocktower have only three beds though…?”
The same old dialogue. “I’ll try not to hog the covers.” You’re a little too eager and move the script along faster than it’s meant to go.
“Oh, ah, I mean, you can if you really want to, but, it is starting to get cold.” Isabeau laughs.
“Don’t worry, we can share them.” After tonight, you hope he’ll want to hold you close. You hope you can give him a reason to not find you disgusting.
“If you’re sure, Sif. Anyway, I’m gonna try and wish on the tree, if you’re not planning to.” Oh, he’s actually wishing this time? “I’ll see you at the clocktower later!”
You smile and give him a wave. You probably should talk to the others. Besides Mira, you pretty much ignored them all to go right to Isabeau. You still remembered to remind Mira of the CARROT method. You think that you’ll probably not complete this loop, but you might as well set the stage for a full performance.
At least with everyone else you can follow the script…
The sun has set. Samosas were eaten. Very few of them by you. Your stomach is turning, making it hard to keep anything down. You keep looking to Isabeau throughout all of this. He keeps looking back at you. Every time he looks at you, you feel as if you are burning.
“Siffrin, Isabeau.” Odile’s sharp voice cuts through the sounds of dishes. “Is there something you two would like to share with the group?”
You jump. Of course she would notice. She always notices when something is off. You flounder for a moment, but Isabeau is quick to step in.
“Sif wanted to show me something tonight,” he answers without a hint of hesitance. Showing him is… Well, part of what you’re planning to do, but… You quickly latch onto his explanation. It’s the best that you are going to get.
“I wanted to take Isabeau stargazing.” You hide your face in the front of your cloak. You think you might be a little flushed.
Odile eyes you with suspicion, but when her gaze travels to Isabeau, he gives off no signs that you’re lying. You know she probably thinks that you’re up to something, but you know she’d never guess what it was. Why would untouchable Siffrin ever want to take someone out to the field to do gross things with them? Nobody in their right mind, who isn’t 50 or so loops deep in a time loop, would think this is a good idea. Unfortunately, that’s where you’re at, and you push forward with this.
“Is that so…?” Odile hums to herself. “And I take it that nobody else is invited to go ‘stargaze’ with you?”
Stars, definitely not!
“Just us.” You give Odile a sort of pleading look. Let you have this please. She gives you a surprised look, like she’s just realized something. You wonder what conclusion she’s come to. Absolutely the wrong one.
“Well, alright. I have a bit of reading to do. I expect you two to be back before I go to bed.” You know for a fact that she’s only staying up because she’s worried about you two. She never stays up during the normal loops. Being well rested is very important to all of you.
“Make sure to be back soon! Fighting the king on little sleep…” Mira’s the next to chime in. You know what she wanted this to be a proper sleepover, and two people running off doesn’t really make for a good sleep over, but… This loop wouldn’t last anyway. This was just an experiment.
“We’ll be back soon. This won’t be more than an hour,” you assure her. You don’t actually know how long this will take, if anything happens at all. That’s enough to sate her. You get to your feet, and look to Isabeau to follow.
He gets to his feet. “No need to wait up for us, I’m sure that Bonbon needs their rest.”
Bonnie puffs up. “I do not!”
“Growing kids need to sleep,” Isabause teases. “And whatever would we do if our snack leader was sleepy on the job?”
This embarrasses the preteen a little, and they relent. “I’m going to get a normal amount of sleep, like a normal person!”
“That you will.” Isabeau gives another naïve smile to the group before going to follow you out of the clocktower. You feel guilt that you’ll soon sully that innocence of his. If he agrees. There’s a good chance that he won’t actually agree to do this with you. Maybe you read him wrong. Maybe he’s disgusted by all of you.
You make it a distance from the building before he finally speaks up. “So, stargazing?”
You hide your face in the neck of your cloak. “Not exactly. We can do that instead if you really want to. If you still want to be near me after I ask what I want to do.”
This seems to startle Isabeau. “Why wouldn’t I want to be near you after?”
Because I’m disgusting and I want to use you. “Because it’s a lot to ask of someone.”
“You never ask favors, Sif, so whatever it is, it’s got to be something really important to you. Why would I ever refuse that?” He laughs a little, but there’s a slight edge there. He’s worried about what you have to ask him. For good reason too.
“You don’t have to agree. You can say no if it’s not something you want.” If you thought this wasn’t something he’d want, for a moment, you’d cut your throat so quick he wouldn’t have any time to stop you.
You notice that he looks a little embarrassed now. Maybe he’s starting to catch on to what you want. “Sif, maybe you should just tell me.”
“When we get to the field.” You just want to be near him a little while longer, if this doesn’t work. You’re selfish, always so selfish.
You hop over the broken bridge and make your way through Dormont. You could almost imagine it’s already frozen, with nobody out of their houses at night. Even the birds have gone. It’s just you, the sleeping sheep, and the houses. You make your way through the far side of town to the main plaza with the Change God statues. Just a little further now. Finally, you cross the bridge and enter the field. The field where you always wake up. It won’t be much of a jump when you restart the loop in a minute.
Finally, you stop in the middle of the field. It’s far enough away from town, that unless you’re yelling, nobody is going to hear you. You look to Isabeau, who is nervously looking to you. It’s time for answers. You breathe in. And out.
“What I’m asking you is a lot,” you begin.
“You said that before,” Isabeau is quick to retort. “And I told you, whatever you have to ask I probably won’t mind doing it. Unless it’s like, I don’t know, cut my hand off or something.”
“N-no! I would never ask you to hurt yourself!”
He laughs that good hearted laugh of his. “Then there won’t be a problem.”
If he’s sure. The words come tumbling out of your mouth.
“I want you to sleep with me.”
He freezes in that classic Isabeau way for a moment. You could hear a pin drop, if there was one to do so. It takes Isabeau a minute to recover. “B-but, aren’t we already doing that at the clocktower???”
Oh. Stupid, your wording. Say it proper. Say the word Siffrin, even though it feels gross and forbidden.
“I-I want you to have s-sex with me.” The words are shaky, nervous.
“...Okay, that’s what I thought you were saying.” Isabeau screws up his face, as if thinking. “I… Sif, are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes!” It comes out with more confidence than you actually have. Your voice quiets into almost a whisper but still clearly audible in this empty field. “I want you to touch me.”
“I, thought you didn’t like to be touched?” He looks deeply confused, and you can’t really blame him. You remember how you jumped the first time you accidentally brushed Odile in the garden room. Anyone would be reasonable to think you didn’t like them touching you, but…
“I’m just not used to it,” you manage. “I was alone for a long time, before meeting you all.”
“Oh. …So this whole time I could have been giving you hugs?” He seems to cheer up a little at that, and you find yourself smiling a little.
“I might have squirmed a bit, but yes.” A hug was certainly very little when you take into account what you’re actually asking for right now.
“...If that would be a lot for you, what you’re asking-”
“I want this. Please. Tomorrow… Tomorrow could be our last day together, our last day at all. And, I want to try, before everything ends. Before you go back to Jouvente-” And forget about me.
“Sif…” He looks like he wants to say something. “This is- Sif, if I knew this was what you wanted, I would have picked somewhere better than a field.”
“If you don’t want to-”
“No! Don’t get the wrong idea. I don’t, mind?” He seems a little conflicted. “I just kind of thought my first time would be more, romantic you know?”
First- OH! Stars, you never considered he’d never done this before either! You’re so blinding stupid. Of course he hadn’t. Isabeau is a romantic, he probably wanted to wait for the perfect partner. You should just- A shiver goes through your body as he takes your hands.
“Sif, it’s fine. I promise.” His hands are large and warm around yours. You feel like your skin is on fire, you want to press yourself to him. You want to rip open his chest and burrow yourself inside. You want to be so close to him, the two of you mesh together. “You’re right, tomorrow we fight the King, and there’s no guarantee that we’re going to come back from that. If that’s the case, this might be the only chance that we have.”
Right, Isabeau is the only more acutely aware of the fact you might not survive the encounter. That’s why he’s always the one that brings up what to do with your bodies in the case that anything happens. You’ve never allowed any of them to die before you do, so it never became relevant, but Isabeau knows that your future isn’t promised. You feel disgusting, manipulative using that against him. You shouldn’t have asked.
You close your eye, unable to look at him for a moment.
“But, if we do this. Can, I, like, kiss you first?”
…Huh?
He wants to kiss you? You feel your face getting hot again.
“If you want to.” You pull your hat down to hide your face. You’re sure you’re a lovely shade quite a bit darker than normal.
“Sif, if I was willing to have sex with you-” How can he say it so easily?! It felt like a sin coming out of your mouth and yet he says it like it’s nothing. No wait, pay attention. “I definitely want to kiss you. You know I wouldn’t do this with just anyone right?”
Of course he wouldn’t. He’s Isabeau, the romantic. He wouldn’t do this unless he really liked the person. Yet, weren’t you just thinking that he only wanted you because he was lusting after you? It feels almost stupid now, but it was so easy to convince yourself he couldn’t really like you. You mumble something into your cloak that’s audible only to the Universe.
“What was that?”
Stupid, nice, kind, gentle Isabeau, making you say your words in an audible manner. “I know. I just feel silly. For asking, for thinking that- I don’t really know.”
“It’s okay. These things are really weird aren’t they?”
“Super weird!!!”
Isabeau laughs, and you suddenly feel a lot more at ease. Right, you would never have proposed this if you didn’t trust him completely. It feels silly already. He’s already held your hands. That already feels like a lot. But you’re greedy, you want more for him.
“Can I kiss you know?” Your voice is soft, timid even. You’re never kissed anyone before, so…
He smiles widely. “Of course- Woah!”
You practically launch yourself at him. That’s how they do it in most plays. A desperate, sudden action, skin to skin in a moment of hunger. You pull Isabeau down to your level so you can properly kiss him, gripping the front of his shirt. The kiss lasts a moment. …Your face feels a little sore.
As you pull away, Isabeau gives you a look. Oh, he must think you’re awful now. You couldn’t even wait for him to finish speaking.
“Siffrin, Sif, Siffarooni… Have you ever kissed anyone before?” He sounds like he’s about to laugh.
Nevermind, this is worse than him thinking you’re disgusting. He’s mocking your inexperience. You make a face as him, which only sets him laughing for real.
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just, that was less a kiss and more a compromised headbutt.” What? Oh no. He’s laughing because you’re a bad kisser. You feel like you’re going to die. Unfortunately, embarrassment is not enough to make you loop, so you’re stuck here.
“That’s… How they do it in plays.”
“And they also have to exaggerate every gesture in plays so it’s easier for the audience to understand the action and emotion.” That’s it, you’re never taking Isabeau to see a play again. He’s used your knowledge to betray you. “And even then, they’re more gentle with each other.”
You simmer in your shame.
“...Want me to show you how to do it?” Isabeau’s offer is gentle, the laughter gone from his voice.
“Like your romance novels are any better in showing these things.” You pout, but quickly regret saying that.
“I’ve kissed before, Sif. Not, like, seriously, but I have kissed a few people.” Oh. Of course. He’s Isabeau, of course people have been interested in him before. He’s probably had a lot of partners. He said nothing serious, but… You couldn’t imagine someone kissing Isabeau and not wanting to stay by him forever.
“Oh.” It’s all you can manage. After a moment you nod. “Y-you can show me how to kiss.”
“Happy to!” With a big grin, Isabeau closes the space between you. He takes one hand and places it on the crook of your back. The other comes to your cheek. The sensation is enough to nearly make you flinch. But you ground yourself. You desperately need Isabeau to know you want this. You lean into his touch and let your eye flutter shut.
Lips press to yours, feather light and gentle. Electricity flows through your body at the connection. Oh. Oh, this is a completely different beast from what you did. Why wasn’t this your first kiss? You press your hands on his chest, gripping his shirt. Don’t go, stay here, stay touching. Stay close!
The end of the kiss is as dizzying as the start. You feel your head swimming. Vaguely, you hear Isabeau asking, “Was that, okay?”
You nod without thinking. If that was overwhelming, how will you handle anything else?
You clutch onto his shirt for a moment more, grounding yourself as you look at him. Oh, he’s as flustered as you are. He’s handsome like that. You can’t help but admire his face for a moment longer.
“Umm, is something on my face?” He looks embarrassed.
“Mine in a minute.”
“Oh!”
You laugh a little at his reaction before pressing a much softer kiss to his cheek.
“Oh.”
You cracked a smile. “No need to be cheeky! ”
“Yes!!” Isabeau laughed uproariously at your joke, placing the hand that had been on your cheek on your shoulder. The laughter ends suddenly when you flinch and he pulls away from you like you’re on fire.
“Crab, Sif, I’m sorry-”
“Don’t. Don’t be sorry. Just… I want you to touch me. Please.” There’s a desperate edge to your voice, all be begging him to take you and hold you close.
He looks away nervously. “Then do you still…?”
Did he think that a few kisses would change your mind? Or, does he not want to? Suddenly you feel guilt, as if you pressured him into this. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to."
“No, no, it’s fine. It’s… Romantic even. The last night before the end of the world.” He sounds as though he’s psyching himself up for something. “I do want to, Sif. I just want to make sure it’s what you really want. It’ll be a lot of touching.”
“And if I want you to stop, I promise I’ll tell you.” Does he not want to touch you because you flinch away? It must make him feel like you don’t want him, and you do. Maybe not in that way, but you want him to touch you so bad you feel like you’re about to lose it!
“I’m going to hold you to that promise.” He sighs. “It’s starting to get cold. I kind of wish we decided to do this during the day.”
“And yet walked in on? No way.”
“Fair enough.” He looks to you. “Are you going to take your, ah, cloak off?”
“Yes, but not the hat.” You tease. No, you probably couldn’t keep the hat on during. You imagine that would make the whole thing uncomfortable. He’s going to be bare with you, so you should do the same with him.
You reach up and remove the clasps of your cloak, pulling it open enough that you can pull it over your head. You don’t care to fold it, knowing it will be fine, and drop it to the side. Underneath, you’re dressed in a long sleeved lightless shirt and long pants. You move to pull up your shirt when you notice Isabeau staring.
“...What?”
He looks away. “Sorry, it’s just weird to see you without your cloak. Sometimes I forget how small you are.”
You frown. “Some of us aren’t giants, Isabeau.”
“Hey! I’m not even capital T Tall yet!” He huffs. “If I get another chance to Craft my body, though…”
You laugh a little, remembering this conversation from your many loops. “You’re already tall enough. But if it makes you happy.”
“It would!”
“Then I hope you get a chance to do it.” You lift your shirt and watch him immediately turn away.
“Sorry!” He covers his face and you find yourself frowning.
“Isa, you’re going to see me naked. You don’t have to look away.” It makes you feel a little awkward being watched, but you know he needs to see you. He needs to want you. That’s how these things worked.
He looks back, though it’s clear he’s struggling. Maybe this is too much for him? “Sorry, Sif. Just, I’m just not used to getting to look, you know?”
You all changed together in the camp before. There isn’t much luxury for privacy, when stepping away could end with someone getting attacked by a Sadness. After Bonnie got attacked and you lost your eye, you were all a lot more careful about not stepping away for anything unimportant. Which included changing. You’d caught sight of everyone in some stage of undress. It didn’t really bother you, but none of you stared. You all knew better than that.
Now Isabeau watches as you strip your shirt off of yourself. You find yourself slowing down, almost savoring his attention. You really are disgusting aren’t you? You finished pulling off your shirt and moved to your bindings. Those came free easy, as they were designed to be stretchy and came off the same as any shirt. A cold wind hits you then, causing you to shiver.
“Are you su-”
“It’s fine.”
You’ll be warm again in a moment. Besides, his gaze is doing something to you, making you all heat up. He’s looking at you with an almost hungry expression. You can’t help but move with a little more grace as you bring down your pants. It leaves you in just your boxers, and you cling to those for a moment.
“I better not be the only one getting undressed.”
He jumps up. “Oh, oops, right. Sorry, I just. …You’re gorgeous Sif.”
OH! You find all the newfound heat in your body going to your face. “I just look like a string bean.”
“You’re gorgeous , Siffrin. I mean it.”
He’s… Too much sometimes. You shake your head.
You see him go to remove that sash he’s always wearing. The belt thing. Actually, how does that go on, or come off. Does it… Hook to his pants? It’s always at the pants line, so. You stand in your underwear and end up watching him undress with a mildly puzzled expression.
“Why do you wear such complicated clothes to take on and off?” You tilt your head to the side like a curious cat.
He blinks at you. “Complicated? It’s not really difficult to take off or whatever. It’s a little more complicated than a normal shirt, I guess, but I like it. I like to look nice.”
“You like fashion huh?” You stop yourself from commenting on his dream to become a fashion designer. You know where that goes. You end up making him uncomfortable with knowledge you aren’t supposed to have.
“Who doesn’t?”
You point to yourself awkwardly.
“T-there’s nothing wrong with that though. I mean, you know what you’re comfortable in, that’s what’s important.”
You smile a little at his awkward attempts to make it better. It didn’t need to be better. You know your fashion sense is terrible. You would wear whatever someone put you in. That’s how you ended up wearing the same cloak and hat for the majority of your known life.
Before long, you’ve both stripped down to your undergarments. The cold wind causes you to shiver. You move a little closer, in hopes of getting some of his body heat. Yet, you end up hovering a bit away, unwilling to touch. You want to, but… It feels like a lot. Isabeau is… He’s really handsome. You don’t feel the way people describe how they do in your plays. No pooling in your gut, no burning desire. But, he was a work of art. You know he spent years sculping his body til he reached a point that he felt comfortable with. You hand hovers out, almost touching, but never quite. It seems you were not as subtle as you thought you were.
“Sif? You know you can touch me, right?” It was probably easier, actually. If you were the one to touch him. If it was him touching you, you would flinch and move away. But if it was you touching him… You took a breath, feeling relieved.
Carefully, carefully, you reach out and touched his chest. You ran your long callused fingers along the scars that ran under his pectorals. “Are these…?”
“Oh, that’s just from Body Crafting.” Isabeau doesn’t seem bothered, though you can feel his body tense under your touch. “About half of my scars are from Crafting my body, the others are from the journey. Well, actually, a few are from before that. I did train quite a bit for my Defender exam.”
His body is covered in scars, just like yours is. It doesn’t make him any less beautiful. It’s like a masterpiece with a few flaws that make it real. That makes him real, what makes you real. You move your hands down, tracing one of the scars on his hip. He shuddered, and you realized suddenly how close your hands were to his private areas. You pulled your hands back.
“Sorry!” You looked to him apologetically.
“No, no, Sif, you’re fine. I just wasn’t expecting you to be so bold. But I like it. You can touch wherever you want, okay?”
Your face burned, and you couldn’t quite force yourself to touch him once more. Instead, you look to the side, hunching down as if you were going to hide your face in your cloak. You were too bare now for that, unfortunately.
“You can touch me too…” You shuffle forward a little, as if thinking that distance was all that was keeping him from running his hands all over your body.
“Oh, you sure?” He looks over you nervously.
“I’m sure. If I want you to stop, I’ll tell you.”
Isabeau takes in a big breath and leans forward and- Oh! Instead of touching you with his hands, he presses his lips to one of the scars on your shoulder. You dig your fingers into your palms to stop yourself from yelping and flinching away. You want this, you want this! You wrap your arms around him and pull him closer.
Feather light kisses trail down your body. Your shoulder, your arm, you scarred and calloused hands… Everywhere your body was marred, he kissed. Butterflies dance in your stomach and you tried to muffle a few strange noises that escape you. Not loud ones, just sort of crooning sounds. He pauses, looking up at you with those big dark eyes you’ve found yourself enraptured by.
“Isa…” Your voice is oddly breathy. “You can keep going. It’s good.”
“Can I…?” Oh, he wants to know if he can remove your underpants. You feel a rush of heat hit you right behind your eye (and where your other eye used to be).
“Y-yeah…” He was going to see you completely nude eventually. Why not when he was pressed us to you, trailing kisses across your skin? You feel dizzy suddenly, holding onto him for a moment to keep yourself standing.
He pulls out of your grip as he slides down lower, lower. His large finger hook on the side of the thin material, the only thing separating the two of you. Your breath hitches in your chest. For a moment, you worry that he’s going to be disgusted. Isabeau knows what type of body you have, but seeing it is different than knowing. You watch his expression change to… Oh, you thought his desiring looks were intense before. Now he’s almost lost to it.
“Isa?”
“Ah, sorry! I was just… You’re really gorgeous Sif.” He keeps telling you this. Maybe if he says this enough times it will be true. You can’t look him in the eyes anymore.
“I… Can you kiss me again?”
“Would you mind coming down here?” Oh, right, he was crouching now. You shifted your legs, sitting down on the grass. You shudder, the grass brushing your most sensitive areas. You reach out to Isabeau, and he responds, pressing up close to you. Your body begins to shake.
“Sif-”
“Kiss me.” Greedily, you take his lips against yours. You’re not really very good at this. You’re too desperate, too needy. Your teeth clack against his. Slowly, you pull back, letting him run the kiss. It feels better, when he guides you. His hands are on your back now. You shiver against him. You’re so greedy, wanting more and more from him. The kiss ends, and your breath heavily against one another.
“Isa… I want this.” You want more, want to feel him against you in every way. You want to press your chest to his, you want to tangle your legs against him. You want to hold him through the night. But you only have limited time, and you need to do this now. Before you lose your courage.
“Are you-”
“I’m sure.” He just keeps asking, why does he keep asking?
“Okay… Lean back?” He guides you onto the ground. You lay, looking up at the stars. The stars and Isabeau, both as beautiful as the other. You smile at him, encouraging you. “Is it okay if I look at your…?”
Oh, his face is a lovely shade of grey. You laugh, but nod. “You can look at my…” You did mean to trail off, but it suddenly occurs to you that you really don’t know the name of a lot of the parts down there. Once, someone sat you down, a nervous flustered teen, and explained to you what all of those things were and what they did. But the words escape you now. You’re not sure if you ever knew the word for them in Vaugardian.
Isabeau moves down, he runs his thick finger down your legs. You open yourself up for him. You can see as he looks at your sensitive areas. You can’t look away. He’s… Confused?
“Aren’t you going to, you know?” You bring a knee up to brush the edge of his still very much on underwear. Oh, it’s kind of silky. No, now is not the time to get distracted by what Isabeau’s underpants feel like.
“Oh, I mean, I can take those off, but, Sif, we can’t just start right away.” You pout, is this some kind of romantic thing?
“Am I going too fast?” Speed has always been your specialty, after all.
“No, no. It’s just…” He looks away. “You’re just not really prepared down here. Sif, you’re a bit… Dry?”
…Huh? “Dry?”
“Like… Your body is supposed to lubricate itself, so that it doesn’t hurt when something goes in there. But, you’re not really prepared at all. If I… Entered you right now, it would really hurt.”
Oh, he’s worried about you. “It’s going to hurt anyway, isn’t it?”
“Huh? What, no! It’s not supposed to hurt if you’re properly prepared. Did someone tell you that it was going to hurt?”
It’s not supposed to? Everything you’d heard about sex said that the first time was supposed to be very uncomfortable. You nod nervously. “Just what I’ve heard. I heard it gets better, but the first time is supposed to be bad.”
“And you wanted to do this, even though you thought it was going to be bad for you?” Oops, should you have not said that? Isabeau looks puzzled for a moment. “Did… Did you want it to hurt?”
Stars no! “No!!! I didn’t, I just thought… It would.”
“Are you-”
“Isa, if you ask if I’m sure one more time, I am going to scream.”
“Oh, right.”
You squirm against the grass, all the more aware that you’re still incredibly exposed to him. “I don’t mind if it hurts. I just wanted to try this, just the once. Before everything ends.” You wanted Isabeau to know you in the way you felt like he wanted to.
He gives you a rather stern look. “You know that it doesn’t have to suck, right? That it can be good. Sif, I want this to be good for you, no matter what.”
“But, it’s-”
“It’s not okay if you aren’t comfortable. It would be bad for me, okay?”
Oh, you don’t want it to be bad for him. You thought that no matter how it was for you, at least Isabeau would have been having a good time. But, if he needs you to enjoy it… Well, this might be a bit more difficult.
“Then how are we supposed to do this?”
“Maybe I can help you get a little more prepared first?” There was that desire clouded look on his face again. Whatever his idea was, you were pretty sure it would be something that he would actually enjoy. And that’s what matters.
“Okay, but strip down first. I want to see you too.” You are kind of curious what he looks like down there.
“Oh, right. Heh…” He looks a little embarrassed, but goes to remove the last layer of clothing between you. You follow his action, watching as he carefully pulls it down around his ankles and then folds it up with a simple gesture, placing it with his other folded clothes. …He bothered to fold them, instead of just chucking stuff on the ground like you did.
Oh, you should probably look at him now. It’s a little difficult, with you laying on your back like this. You push yourself up, so you can get a proper view of him. It’s not a surprise to find more scars in the area around his… Something. Weird stick thing. You will figure out these words, damn it. It’s… A narrow stick of meat, covered in loose skin. It looks to be pretty alert, standing at attention. It’s smaller than the length of his hands. About five or six inches in total. You can not imagine how it was going to be comfortable going in you. You don’t think you have the room for something that large. Despite your protests, you are aware that you are small.
“Are you sure that you can make this comfortable?” you find yourself asking without really thinking about it.
“Huh? Yeah, well… I probably can. I can’t promise it’ll be great, but I’ll do what I can to prepare you first. …Are you okay if I touch you down there?”
You roll your eyes. “Of course. I want you to touch me. Please.”
“Before I start, you know what oral sex is, right?”
Oh, you were supposed to-
“No, wait, I think there’s some confusion.” Isabeau cuts you off before you can push yourself up. “I mean, on you, from me.”
…Oh. That’s. You know that oral can be done with a- Right, it’s called a dick. You know how oral sex works with a dick, but it’s not as though you know how it would work on you. It’s not like you have anything to suck on. You shake your head.
“Oh. We… Kinda went into this unprepared, didn’t we?” You sure did… “Okay, so, I would be using my tongue to stimulate you, by licking the vulva, entrance of the vagina, and the clitoris. I know the basic concept in theory, but I’ve never really done this with anyone before. So, it’s an experience for both of us.”
Oh… So those were the words for your parts. You feel embarrassed that he needed to tell you them. At least he didn’t recognize the look on your face earlier that you didn’t remember the words for it. Or, well, you really hope that he didn’t. It seems like he knew to use the proper words. You wonder if he thinks you don’t know he’s smart. Damn it, you want to kiss him again, but you can’t from this angle.
“Would, that be okay?”
Hey, idiot, don’t just drift off, actually answer him.
“Oh, yeah! Of course! I want you to do whatever you want to me!” You see an odd look on his face.
“Sif. You aren’t just doing this because you think I want to right?”
Yes. “No.”
“Promise?”
“Of course. I want to try. Even if I never want to do this again. I want to see what it’s like before everything ends.” That’s not actually wrong. You do want to see what it’s like before you loop again. It seems gross and weird, but people enjoy it. You used to think drinking was weird too, when you were younger, before you tried it. Maybe it’s just something you have to try?
“If you feel even a little uncomfortable, tell me, okay?”
You nod. And with that, he moves down, all but bowing down in front of you. His hands go to your thighs. You’ve already got them spread, but he holds them open. You shudder as you feel his hot breath on your most private areas. You wonder if he thinks you look gross down there. You think you probably do. You take a breath-
Electricity jolts through your body as his tongue slides between your lower lips. Oh! This doesn’t feel like what you expected at all. It’s slick and warm and it fills your body with a tense and bubbly sensation. You let out a sound you have never heard yourself make before. You press your hips forward, encouraging him to lick deeper, with more force.
He does so, and you shudder. You feel his tongue between your inner lips, the second set that’s located a little deeper in. His hand stroke your leg with reassurance as you whine and gasp at this treatment. His tongue flicks up and hits what you think is the clitoris, and suddenly your vision fades out for a moment. The sensation is so over powering you can’t help but feel like you’re going to faint.
You clutch the grass, but wish you could grab him. “Isa…!”
He immediately pulls away from your sensitive areas and pokes his head up. “Sif?! Are you okay?”
You whine. “I’m fine. Just, that last spot. I think it’s too much. I think I’m going to pass out if you lick there again.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’ve heard some people are too sensitive there. I’ll stick to the other areas. Is that okay?” He looks at you expectantly. You give him a nod, to assure that he’s good to continue, and he moves back down to the place between your legs.
True to his word, he steers clear of the clitoris, but that doesn’t make him any less exploratory. His tongue runs around every other surface of your vulva. Eventually, it snakes its way inside you. Just a bit, just at your entrance. You clutch the grass hard and whine. You feel him stop again.
“Your legs are shaking.” He sounds worried. You don’t have time for worry.
“Please…”
“Please stop?”
“No.” You wrap your legs around his back, pulling him back down. He lets out a sound of surprise, and you immediately regret your boldness.
“Woah, Sif. …Is it that good?”
It is good. A pit in your stomach says no, but the rest of your body is saying yes. You nod, whining. “More please.”
He goes back to work. He plays with you more, darting his tongue in for a moment before pulling it back. He noses a bit at the mound of darkless hair just above your sensitive areas. You feel something start to build in you, strong. You pulls Isabeau close with your legs. He seems to notice it too, as he licks with more fervor.
And then a wave crashed over you, an overwhelming, sudden sensation. You desperately ride it out, your insides twitching, desperately squeezing as if there’s anything inside. For a moment, you crave his length, an odd sensation you didn’t expect to feel. Is this what lust feels like? Suddenly, as soon as it happens, all the energy runs out of your body and you find yourself laying back and panting.
Isabeau presses a kiss on the top part of your leg, on the inside just before it reaches anywhere private. “Was it good?”
A thin layer of grosses shrouds you, but you can’t help but agree. “It was good.”
He kisses your leg once more. “We can stop now, if you want.”
What? And not give him his turn? If anything, you should return the favor, oral for oral, but… You don’t think you’re going to get up soon, and your still twitching insides crave something desperately.
“Isa.. Please, I want you.” You desperately mewl, arms up to hold him.
He slips out of the grip of your paper weak legs and comes up to claim a kiss. His lips taste strange, like something somewhat sour and acidic. You wonder if that’s what you taste like, and are grateful suddenly that there’s no taste of sugar there. You think if you tasted sugar, you would have puked. But no, he tastes nice. He tastes like you. He tastes good. You like it… You press your chest to his, so sure he’ll feel your hammering heart through your skin. You wonder if his is beating in time with yours. You can barely hear anything over the sound of your own heart beat.
The kiss ends, and another begins. It’s odd to feel Isabeau so hungry in kisses when he’s normally gentle. He’s lost himself to the lust, it seems. But that’s fine, that’s what you wanted. You wanted him to feel like this. You wanted to give him this. The gift of your body, even though so far he’s just been working to make sure you’re prepared to take him.
“I think I’m ready now,” you whisper as the kiss ends.
“You did get pretty wet down there.” He chuckles a little and your heart bounces in your chest. Oh, you really like his laugh right now. “We don’t have to do this, though.”
“It’s okay. I want to.” And you know he does too. Because you’re greedy and desperate to give him what he wants. You feel so blessed already, having his pressed and tangled against you like this. What will it feel like for him to get even closer? What will it feel like to be one?
There's silence for a moment, before… “Do you know the Craft to avoid pregnancy?”
…
You never even considered that!
To be honest, it’s not really a worry, because whatever happens to your body resets after every loop. Any damage you do to it isn’t going to last. That includes this, so you didn’t really think about it. But of course this would be a concern for Isabeau.
“No, but, it’s the wrong time of month for it. I’ll be fine. It won’t happen.” You don’t actually remember what time in your cycle it is. That’s a problem for the Sifrrin who manages to get out of the time loop. Not the current you. But it’s easy enough to lie. Easier than to explain that you’ll be back to normal as soon as you loop.
“Sif… You know cycle planning isn’t very good protection, right?” You smile at him innocently. Or you assume it’s innocent, because he just blushes. “Okay, I’ll trust you. I…” He runs a hand on your cheek. “I…”
He wants to say something, but he can’t. Instead he ends up floundering. You press your cheek to his hand like a needy cat.
“I trust you too.” You try to bridge the gap. He smiles at you.
“Okay… I’ll be careful.”
“I know you would never hurt me if you could avoid it.” You think he might hurt you when he leaves, but you don’t think he’ll mean to. Your worst thoughts tell you he’s disgusted with you, that he hates you. But you also know how kind and gentle he is. You trust him with your everything. You trust him with this.
You have to let him go as he awkwardly positions himself. You know that he needs to focus for that, but you wish you could hold his hand. Despite his reassurance, you still think it will hurt. Carefully, you feel something press to your entrance.
“Sif…”
“I’m ready.”
It’s not a fast process. Slowly, you are opened up as he finds new ground inside you. You see his face change. You see his eyes close and him bite his lip. Does it feel good for him? Right now it just feels… Stretchy? Weird. For you, it’s not the sudden pleasure of his tongue but rather the feeling of your body accommodating something new. But he’s right, it doesn’t hurt. The slick walls of your innards welcome him with a warm embrace. You feel full. Some of the emptiness you’ve been feeling since your first loop leaves you.
Finally, he roots himself completely inside you. You wonder if this is how the sheath of your dagger feels. It’s not bad. You’re so close to him, it’s driving you wild, but… You reach out and touch his face, and he looks to you with wide, nervous eyes.
“Is it good?” You repeat his words back to him.
”You feel so good Sif.” Something about his tone makes you shudder. You want him to feel so good in you. You think, if this is what sex is, it isn’t so bad. It’s not amazing like everyone says, but you feel good. With him so close to you, so full, something feels fulfilled in you.
“You feel good too, Isa.” You stroke his cheek with affection.
“It didn’t hurt then?” Of course he’s still worried about you…
“Not at all. You were very careful.”
“I’m glad. I’m so glad it’s good. Can I kiss you again?”
“You can kiss me whenever.” And so, he closes the distances between your faces, lips connecting. It feels different this time. It feels more. You feel suddenly very sensitive. And you wonder again, is this what sex does, is this what’s good about it? If this is all it is, it’s good, but not what everyone said it would be. But it’s good enough.
Your arms go to Isabeau’s back, holding him close to your chest. You are so careful not to dig your fingers into his back, so careful not to hurt him. You kiss, and kiss, and feel him so close to you. You wonder if you’ll ever feel anything like this again. You could probably repeat this next loop, but would it really be the same. You don’t think you want to repeat this script, you don’t think you could make it ingenuine. You’re scared of that.
The kiss ends and his pulls away, only to whisper in your ear. “Is it okay if move now?”
Move? Oh, right, this isn’t all sex is, is it? There’s the movement, the feeling of your privates rubbing against his. That’s what is supposed to make it pleasurable. You suppose you’ve gotten more used to the feeling of his girth in you. You nod.
“I feel good. You can move.”
And move he does. Not by much, not at first. Just about an inch in and out. But it pulls something from you, a gaspy little squeak. Oh. That feels. It feels like something. Nothing you’ve never experienced before. Adrenaline rushes through your body. You feel like you’re on fire, but in a good way. Your legs come up again and wrap around him. You hungrily take in every little touch he gives you.
After a time, Isabeau increases the pace, moving from moving a little to almost pulling half his length out with every pump. Your sounds grow louder, and suddenly you’re worried you didn’t put the two of you far enough from Dormont. You’ve heard people could be loud during, but you never thought it would be you. Isabeau in comparison is silent. You look to him, and notice he’s biting his lip again. Is that how he looks when he feels really good? No… Suddenly you realize. That’s not it. He’s trying to muffle his own sounds. You almost laugh. One hand from his back moves up to his cheek.
“Isa. I want you to make sounds too. I want… Nnng, I want to hear you.” You don’t know what it will do to you if you hear him. But oh, you need to hear him. You can feel some kind of sensation pool in your belly. A need for him, for this. You need to hear his pleasure. That’s what this was for, after all.
Like a dog given the go ahead to chase the stick, Isabeau lets out a loud moan. He buries his face in your shoulder, unable to stop himself. He whimpered softly into your flesh, shame and moans mounting as he moves faster and faster.
“Sif, Siffrin, Siffrin, I- Siffrin, I…!” Even now, he’s still trying to say it. You wish he could. You want to hear it, you need to hear it. Your insides squeeze hard around him and you whimper.
“Isa, Isa please…!”
The air fills with your cries for each others and the slick sounds of movement. In and out, and in and out. Your mind is full of him. Your body is full of him. Your heart is full of him. Isabeau, Isabeau. You desperately hold him as close to you as you can and he roots in and out of your body. You feel him shake and know that things will not last. You know he’s on his last legs. You moan out his name once more before it all ends.
“Isabeau!”
“Sif…!”
And then it ends. There’s a twitch and suddenly something hot and wet fills your insides. You feel Isabeau’s movement continue for a few moments more as he rides out the last of his relief. A whine escapes you. It feels weird. It feels weirder when he pulls out of you and suddenly you feel desperate and empty. A whine escapes you.
Isabeau collapses against you. His sudden weight on you is comforting, like a heavy blanket. He pants into your ear. “Di… Did you…?”
You shake your head. “No, but that’s okay. I don’t think I could take another one. It was good though. I felt good.”
“We need to think of a better word than good.”
“How about… Sex-ellent.”
Isabeau laughs, but without the normal force of it all. He must be too tired. You get it, you feel tired too.
“I probably should have tried to pull out, shouldn’t I have?” Oh, right, he was worried about that. You really weren’t. You knew it wasn’t a problem. …But, you don’t really want to loop anymore. You want to let this one run to completion. You want to stay besides this Isabeau who isn’t afraid to touch you.
Would it be so bad if this was the last loop? Would it be so bad to be this close with Isabeau for a while longer? But, you tricked him into this, didn’t you? You used information you weren’t supposed to have and convinced him to do gross things with you in a field. You’re disgusting. You’re the most vile person on this planet.
Suddenly, the body on you feels too hot. Suddenly the skin on yours made yours crawl. Suddenly the goo in your insides was making you sick. You disgusting thing, you tried to trap him with your gross, worthless body. You feel a tug-
“I love you Siffrin.”
Suddenly, everything comes to a halt. You take a breath.
“I really do, I love you Siffrin.”
Oh.
You knew, really, that he wanted to tell you that he loved you. You can only see a guy try and fail to confess so many times before what he’s trying to say becomes incredibly clear to you. You knew he loved you, but it wasn’t real until he spoke the words into existence. It washes over you like a warm blanket and you take a deep breath.
“Oh.”
“And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same.”
Wait, he thought- “No! I do love you, Isa!” You do not know what you would do if he thought you didn’t love him. You love him. You’re just not sure you can love him right. You look away, a little embarrassed. “I love you, Isabeau.”
“Oh.”
You can’t help but laugh there. “We’re not very good at this, are we?”
“I think we did this all backwards. I love you, and then kissing, and then maybe sex.” He smiles though, leaning on his arm the way he did all those times in bed at the clocktower. “I’m glad we did this though. I don’t regret it.”
Do you? The sex was weird. It felt like a whole bunch of things. You’re not sure you’re ever going to want to do that again. But, you don’t really regret it either. If anything, you regret that this may get erased. You’ll never be able to capture this moment with Isabeau the same again. Even if you repeat it, it won’t be the same. But you…
“I don’t regret it. I wish I planned it out better though.”
“I would have loved to do this somewhere more romantic than a cold field in the middle of the night.” He laughs a little to himself. “I thought maybe, after everything, I could go traveling with you, or you could come back to Jouvente with me, and we could go on dates and maybe do stuff. But only if you wanted. And only if you returned my feelings.”
Oh. He… “You wanted to stay with me?”
“Of course! Sif, do I really seem like the type to confess and then just… Leave?” You immediately regret whatever face you made because he looks hurt. “Sif, I-”
Fix this, quick! “I know you wouldn’t! I just… I was really worried about going back to being alone after this journey is over. I… Want to stay with you.” I want to stay with all of you.
“You know, you could have just said that…” Isabeau smiles at you, warm and reassuring. “If you asked, I would have definitely said yes.”
You tuck your neck in, burying your face in his hair in the process. “I know…”
“And not just me! I’m sure that all of us would have said the same. If you had asked, any of us would have welcomed you to join us. I mean, M'dame Odile is just going to go back to her research, and Mira, well, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you sticking around here. Or maybe going with you.” You wonder if you made a face, because he quickly suggests Mirabelle go with you instead of you staying at the house. “As for Bonnie, we’ll, someone has to take them back to their village, and maybe we could stick around Bambouche for a while, make sure they’re settling in well with their sister again. What I’m saying is that this doesn’t have to be goodbye, Sif. I know it won’t be with me.”
You finds your heart feels so light right now. After falling so low a moment before, it’s weird to suddenly feel so wonderful after being so low just a few moments before. You look to Isabeau nervously.
“Can you help me ask the others?”
Isabeau grins. “Of course!”
You lay together in the field for a little while longer before a shudder runs through you. Isabeau laughs a little and wraps you in his arms.
“We should probably get dressed. Not just because it’s cold, but before someone wakes up and sees us out here.” The idea of anyone walking in on this intimate moment makes you immediately regret deciding to have sex in a field. You nod hurriedly and go to get your clothes.
Somehow, despite Isabeau’s more complex clothes, it takes a lot longer for you to redress than it does for him. Maybe because he folded his clothes. Maybe because you have to fasten the clasps of your cloak just right. You suddenly feel much warmer once you dress. Oh right, your cloak has a temperature control Craft on it. Isabeau, on the other hand, looks a little cold. You go up to him and offer a hand, once he’s done straightening his belt thing.
“A warm hand for the walk back?”
“Just what I wanted.”
Hand and hand you make your way back to the clocktower. You share a few kisses on the way there. Once you get back inside, Odile fixes the pair of you with a look and tells you to wash the sweat from your ‘stargazing’ off before the two of you head to bed. You feel like you’ve been seen through instantly.