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Father forgive me.
The words burned like coals on my tongue, almost too painful to bear. Nothing shy of this could have wrenched them from my throat. But Molly's lifeblood was pumping onto the cracked earth at a pace too rapid for anything less than a miracle to cure. Adriel a lethal shadow at my back. Molly's stubborn will holding me immobile, a helpless observer to her death. Consigning me to blackness and oblivion with the weight of the knowledge that she'd gone to the only place I could never visit. It was intolerable. Unjust. I chose. For her.
And it still wasn't enough.
The Second Fall hurt less than the first.
Though humans, with their diminished capacity to experience agony, would have said that was like comparing apples to oranges. The first time I'd been cast down, I'd been innocent to pain, and all the more horrified by the novelty of it. Billions of years had only sharpened resentment into a keen blade, ready to fell that which the Redeemer loved. Why them, and not us? What did the ephemeral things have that earned them a second chance and kept us chained in our misery?
That had been the first of an endless string of petty cruelties. Of course he'd keep me from my home, from all the brothers and sisters I'd lost. Because I hadn't done it for His sake.
The rejection was as painful as I'd expected, but I bore it. For her. For the tiny, trembling heart she'd placed in my care. Only she had made me feel every inch of my vastness. Only she had made me petrified to move in the wrong direction, lest I crush her without meaning to. One inexplicable being on a tiny blue marble in a vast cosmos. It was insanity to feel so much for one mortal. Her love for me had been enough to return precious creation to my hand. And I'd used it to forge a choice. A single, solid negotiating point.
I mean honestly, how often do you manage to get the Almighty to compromise? That was enough to take a good amount of the sting from bending the knee.
I could have emerged in the Beyond in a clap of thunder or a crash of symbols. My chains were gone. I'd been set free. I had unbound potential. I could have done what I wished with it. But there was only one thing I wanted to be and only one person who could give me what I asked for.
You could usually find Uriel in the midst of a newly birthed star, allowing the fusion at its core to lull him during times of stress. I preferred the shifting of sand at the bottom of a reef but to each their own.
He met me where I was, psychologically speaking, assuming a human form across from me. He relaxed into a more indolent posture than I'd seen from him in a billion years, and actually smiled at me when I materialized in human guize beside him.
"Which galaxy are we in?" I asked offhandedly. I was too hurt, too weary to use my intellectus to find out.
"Andromeda. It's beginning to collide with the Milky Way."
Four and a half billion years from Molly's present. Would she weep to see what Uriel considered a mildly stimulating place to lay his head? She was like an infinitely precious child, so easy to awe. The earnestness of her love was searing. I was so much greater than she was. I knew, on a more fundamental level than she ever could, how much I never deserved what she gave me. And with the fumbling joy of her limited love, she had convinced me where a hundred thousand sermons couldn't. She loved in a way my Father could not.
Swallowing my pride had hurt like Hell. But if one person on Earth was worth saving, there was a statistical likelihood that more than one person was worth fighting for. I was willing to concede. So He conceded for me.
"It wasn't enough," I said. "That seems like a cheat. He couldn't stand that it wasn't about him. That's why I'm here."
"It was enough, or you wouldn't be speaking with me," he said sternly. "Do not put words in His mouth, Sister."
The thought of speaking for Father made my guts writhe. It was so fundamentally wrong that I could barely hold my human shape.
"If He wanted to bring me back to the Host, He could. He's the one who makes the rules. The rest of us follow them or suffer the consequences. If he wanted to herald me Home, he would have brought me to Michael or Gabriel. I'm here with you, which means he's giving you the green light to bend the rules. I want to know what part I play in your plans, Brother."
Uriel considered me, eyes hard. After a second of thought his head tilted, golden hair flopping into the eyes of his human guise.
"You don't have to be here," he said quietly. "You have earned the right to make a choice. You may go anywhere but There."
"There's only one place I want to be," I answered. "If you want my service, you have to give me something in return."
Uriel stared out at the vast dark. In the distance, he could observe, with perfect clarity, the death of a million stars.
"Why did you ask if you didn't truly want to return to us?"
I watched as lights winked out and new generations of stars sprung into being. There was something comforting about the pulse and thrum of the universe magnified within the core of a star.
"Because I love her more than I hate Him. I know you can't understand that, and I'm not asking you to. I want to be with her."
Uriel's eyes were soft and a little sad when he said, "Even knowing it will only last a moment, to your senses?"
"A moment with her is better than no time at all. And I have our children. If you heal her, she could have her own mortal family. A bloodline and legacy that I would look after for generations into the future. They will have friends. People they care about. There will always be someone for me to care for, even when Molly is gone. She'd never forgive me if I let her tragically short life lead me back into Temptation."
I could almost feel her voice like a whisper against the shell of my ear. "What is your oath worth?"
Uriel's face was suffused with light, and the glory of the Lord shone around him, touching my upturned face like a caress from the Almighty himself. At least I'd finally said something to please Him.
"You're certain?" Uriel asked. "You cannot undo it once it's done."
"I know. I've made my choice."
To exist with her, even in a limited form, was better than eternal separation. I knew, for a fact, that Adriel was set to drag her out of reach. To His side where I could never follow. In that sense, this choice was selfish. But who expected perfection from a fallen angel?
I chose her. Imperfect, impatient, and incredible Molly.
"Cast me down, Uriel. This time, I'm asking for it."