Archive of Our Own

The most important thing is that it all started not in sin, not in evil manifested out of God's nothingness, but by the jumping of one single cog in a plan so complex and delicate that one skip could break the entire machine. Is it not a form of pride to create a plan so intricate one unforeseen action dismantles its prima facie outcome?

The first time Lilith sees him she had been studying the fish in the river. Salmon. She knows their name like she knows her own and Adam’s but that was as far as she got.  

“Why do they swim against the stream?” Lilith had wondered aloud, and Adam had smiled at her.  

“Who knows what they’re thinking,” and left his wondering at that.  

Lilith knew she couldn’t breathe underwater, had held her face in the lake one day to be sure. So how come they could?  

Adam chuckled at that, plucking a grape from a stem. “Because that is the way God has created them.” 

He had said it like she was being silly. Adam left soon after, maybe he had gotten bored of her trying and failing to catch the fish. She doesn't mind the solitude. When she can't find the answers in her head, she prays for them. She can look at the salmon all day; all sparkling scales and powerful movements.  

But her eyes catch on something, a figure, sitting on the side of the stream across from her. Her breath catches. An angel.  

Lilith had seen them before, but they had always been occupied, friendly but far away. This one is looking at her purposefully, almost curiously. Maybe similar to the way she had been looking at the fish. 

“Hello,” she says, thinking it best to be polite.  

He perks up at this, eyes widening. But he doesn’t say anything back. And then Lilith swears he looks a little conflicted, doubtful, and she can feel it in her gut; he’s thinking about leaving, like all the angels she had gotten too close too. She doesn’t know who he is or what he wants but she does know she wants him to stay. So she smiles, as kindly as she can. He doesn’t leave. He blinks at her and the most wonderful thing happens in his face. He gifts a smile back to her. It’s a small thing, but it’s there.  

“I heard you wondering about the fish, about how they can breathe underwater.” 

His voice is just loud enough to carry over the sound of the water but it still shocks her. So used to the silence of the angels or the louder, more confident voice of Adam. She needs even more time to digest what he had just offered her.  

She nods, finally, unsure of what else to do. Was it not allowed to wonder about such things? Was that for God to know alone? Was Adam right? 

“I, uhm,” she twitches her hands. “I can’t breathe underwater, and they… can,” she explains lamely, not able to put the thoughts she just had into the right words. But the angel brightens at her words, sitting up slightly taller, though he’s still decidedly unsure, still nervous, like he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing. It’s refreshing. Lilith was beginning to think she was the only one who ever felt like that.  

“I could tell you, if you want.” 

Maybe he was the answer to her prayer, maybe God delighted in sharing the workings behind Their creation and They had just been waiting for Lilith to ask in earnest. Maybe this angel was sent down here for her.  

“I would love that.” 

He smiles again, wide enough for her to see the white of his teeth. She can hear from his voice, especially the longer he goes on, that he’s as excited to tell her about gills as she is to hear about them. Lilith can’t stop herself from interrupting him numerous times, questions sparking and burning on her tongue, but the angel doesn’t seem to mind, doesn’t frown or purse his lips like Adam does. He looks delighted, actually, answering every question she has with enthusiasm. It all makes Lilith’s head spin.  

It’s gotten darker, and she can’t think of any more fish related questions for now. She’s out of questions. A first.  

The angel looks at her and she looks back at him.  

“I should go,” he says, and it feels like a loss being announced. “It’s been lovely talking to you.” 

And Lilith nods. “Thank you,” she says, “So much.” 

The angel is gone with a wind and a rush of white feathers. Lilith sits by the water, lamenting he never crossed it.  

She doesn’t know exactly why she doesn’t tell Adam about the encounter. Maybe because he hadn’t wondered about the fish. He had said he hadn’t wondered, so why would she share this with him? Maybe this moment, this exchange, could be hers, not theirs. At least for now, she wants to keep it to herself. 

There’s a bird’s egg on the ground. A blue little thing, cracked and thin. It’s supposed to be in the nest, Lilith had checked it just a few days ago, yet here it is, split in two and wet. She crouches next to it, staring at the little purplish body of a bird not quite done yet. She clears her throat, looking away. Up high, where the nest is still sitting on the branch, a robin feeds her hatchlings. Lilith imagines the little chicks, only a few days or hours old, clumsily trying to get their feet underneath them. And then this little blue egg rolling over the edge, plummeting through the air and quickly meeting the hard ground. The shell appears too fragile to withstand it. Lilith carefully picks up the unborn, feeling it would be wrong to just leave it in the middle of the path. The chick is cold and wet and bony in her hand. She quickly puts it in a hollow under the tree, picks a flower to lay next to it. A strange scene. It feels like it’s the best she can do, though.  

Lilith doesn’t see Lucifer again for days. But still she wonders. The answers that she got about the fish lit a fire, and it is spreading. How many answers were still out there, how many questions had she not thought of yet? She loves the garden, her home, she wants to know all about it.  

She spots him early in the morning. Lilith had been enjoying the sunrise, marveling at its colors when he catches her gaze. He is crouching, looking at the ground in from of him, his back to her. Lilith stands quickly, making her way through the bushes and the trees. He notices her coming closer when she’s just a few meters away. She halts, doesn’t move any closer, afraid it will make him leave. He looks like he had been deep in thought and it makes Lilith feel giddy. His eyebrows shoot up and he straightens himself, standing taller, which wasn’t all that tall at all.  

“Oh, it’s you.” 

It strikes her that she never told him her name, just assumed he must know. And she would like to know what her name sounded like from his mouth, if it would sparkle and curl in the air like the others words he spoke.  

“My name is Lilith.” 

 His smile is very kind.  

“I know.” 

And she feels a little silly, because of course this angel of God already knows her name. A bit unfair though.  

“What is yours?” 

He blinks at her and she waits for his answer. It isn’t so strange to ask, is it?  Or is it not right to ask an angel their name? Maybe only humans have names, and she’s just put him terribly on the spot. Lilith is ready to apologize when he answeres her.  

“It’s Lucifer.” 

Lilith thinks that out of all the questions she has asked and he has answered this might be her most precious one.  

Still, as always, others are quick to follow. 

She looks at the shrubbery in front of his feet.  

“What are you doing, Lucifer?” 

Now that she is looking closer, she notices there are flowers dotting the green in front of him, small and purple and nothing like she has seen yet.  

“Oh,” he looks down at them like he’d forgotten he had been looking at them so intently just a second ago. He frowns at them, the delicate little things. 

“Uhm, the flowers I made they’re not… They’re not blooming.” 

Lilith frowns along with him, daring to step closer to witness creation at work.  

“What do you mean? Everything blooms in Eden.” And she says it like it is a fact, in the way Adam proclaims things about this life as if he knows it all by heart. Even though Lilith can see with her own eyes, these flowers are not blooming.    

The angel frowns some more and Lilith is getting intrigued by how that creates small lines between his brows, how it creases pale skin. Her gaze trails from his eyes to his neck, to his shoulders. She hadn’t noticed certain things about him, when he had been sitting across the water from her. He has something delicate about him, something that reminds her of the birds that make their nests up in the trees under which she and Adam sleep.  

The angel sighs and waves a hand, snapping Lilith out of her reverie. The flowers disappear.  

“You’re right. Everything is supposed to bloom in Eden. I must have done something wrong.” 

She looks down at the now empty space in front of the angel’s feet and finds herself mourning the delicate purple flowers, even though they had just been buds.  

“You made those?” She asks instead.  

Lucifer nods, looking a bit uncomfortable again, a little apologetic. 

“What else have you made?” 

Something thaws, and she wishes she could recognize it, this light that washes over his features. Like a wish for the past, for something to be made familiar, because she now feels quite sure she cant’t go on without it, and to think she had lived long days and nights without knowing it feels like a loss.  

“ You want to know what I’ve created?” 

He leans forward a bit, searching her face for something, calculating. The little line between his brows returns.  

“I do,” and it sounds a little like a question.  

“Well, I could,” he nods slightly, never taking his eyes off hers, “I could show you.” 

Lilith learns. Whenever they meet, she learns. She asks about birches and learns about their roots. She asks about the rain and she learns about the skies. She asks him about the birds and she’s holding a bright white, angelic feather in between her thumb and finger.  

They meet again and again and again, until Lucifer is the loveliest thing in her life. It feels like it should be a secret, that, but her heart doesn’t whisper it, it’s quite loud in its decree. She doesn’t feel wrong for any second she spends with him.  

It’s when they are looking at the stars Lucifer tells her there is more outside of Eden.  

This strikes her with both despair and wonder. She stares at the dark skies and her eyes feel warmer than they usually are. There’s something heavy sitting in her chest. When she turns to look at Lucifer he’d already been staring at her. She carefully puts her hand on his. He doesn’t pull away.  

She dreams about him. Adam isn’t there and they’re not in the garden. It doesn't matter. They’re sitting on the edge of a star, legs dangling and talking and she’s holding his hand.  

Lilith wakes up smiling until the green of Eden floods her vision. This she does have the mind to know is wrong of her. Because she knows she shouldn’t be disappointed, that she could never wish for more, for better than home. How dare she long for a dream when she’s already in Paradise?  

Adam has been touching her more.  

A hand on her arm, one in her neck, on her legs, on her face. She is curious too, about what a hand feels like when it’s resting somewhere. But as the minutes of research pass it inevitably starts feeling wrong. Suddenly and quite severely she doesn’t want it anymore.  

“But I do want to touch you,” Adam says, and she almost feels guilty. 

She apologizes because she knows it’s hard to want something from somebody and not be given it. They are made for each other and still they are left wanting. Does the root ache for the rain? Does the sky want for the birds?  

She takes his hand and holds it and he looks at her happily.  

She stares into the garden. 

She has climbed as high as she feels comfortable going, which is as high as the tree allowed her to go. The branch is sturdy underneath her weight and Lilith swings her legs back and forth on the wind. Up here she can hear the birds at their level. She feels better in the midst of their song, joined by the wind and the rustling of the leaves and even the buzzing of insects. Lilith sways from side to side, letting out a contented hum as the sun warms her skin. She listens as the noise joins the sounds surrounding her, a part of it. She hums again, a little higher and listens to what that sounds like, to what that makes her feel. She continues doing this, humming high and low, trying to stitch the notes together in a way that sounds right. The robin goes from high to low and so does she. The wind’s song sounds hollow and wide so she opens her mouth for that. She finds it is easiest to sing an ah sound, and her voice evens out and clears up with every song she sings. She’s singing! She doesn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to her sooner, that if the birds can use their voices to sing, surely she could too. They did sound very different from each other. Lilith can’t help but smile as she ah’s and la’s in the top of the tree, looking over her home. She sings low and high, loud and quiet, fast and slow, and she takes stock of how they’re different, of what they convey.  

She’s in the middle of trying to establish if she can carry a high note better on an ee or an ooh , when someone speaks, very close to her.  

“You sound beautiful.” 

Lilith’s singing shatters into screaming at the sudden noise, her body jerking to the side, startling away from it. Perched on the branch next to her is Lucifer, eyes as wide as she’s ever seen them, and she gets half a second to be delighted to see him before she’s losing her balance. She tries to reach for something to hold on to but all she’s catching is air, slipping through her fingertips. She screams as she falls, fast and like a stone. The image of the cracked robin's egg flashes through her mind and it’d be shame, a real shame, she thinks, to wind up on the ground like that. The ground is coming closer and Lilith braces herself for impact, squeezing her eyes shut and holding her arms in front of her face.  

The impact never comes. Her stomach lurches once again, now the opposite way as the direction of her fall changes. She’s being held by her arms and as she peels open her eyes she’s not surprised to see white feather framing her vision.  

“Lucifer!” Lilith yells, heart pounding in her throat, “Put me down!” 

A second later her toes softly touch solid ground and her legs are shaky as they take on her full weight again. She puts her hands on her knees, trying to get her breathing under control.  

“I am,” Lucifer starts, “ so sorry.” 

He’s taken a few steps back, hands open and in front of him, and he’s even paler than he usually is.  

“I-” Lilith gasps, “I could’ve cracked open like a bird’s egg!”  

And then there are bubbles in her stomach and chest and they all fizz up to the surface and it is, all of it, suddenly the funniest thing. She shakes with laughter while she tries and fails to catch her breath.  

“You!” She points at Lucifer, who’s looking equal parts wet eyed fawn and like he’s witnessing her growing a second head, “almost turned me into a cracked egg!”  

She snorts again, feeling half hysterical.  

“Don’t say that!” Lucifer shouts, voice climbing higher and higher.  

His stricken face makes her laugh even harder and she can barely hold herself up anymore. Lucifer goes from looking horrified to pouting.  

“It’s okay, Luci,” she hiccups, letting herself collapse on the grass. “You caught me right on time.” 

“Oh, heavens, ”Lucifer puts his head in his hands. “I almost made you crack like an egg.” 

This makes Lilith howl with laughter for some reason she can’t really explain and finally Lucifer’s face cracks open, smiling as he sighs, a breathless laugh leaving his mouth.  

“I am so, so , sorry,” he says again, chuckling as he walks to where she’s laying on the ground holding her stomach.  

“You should be!” she admonishes, words broken up by uncontrollable giggles. “What were you thinking!” 

Lucifer frowns as he laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t know!”   

In a move so bold Lilith only makes it because she’s half out of her mind she pulls him down next to her, her hand sweaty in his. He yelps as he goes and he lets out an ‘oof’ as he collides with the ground. Lilith hugs his arms to her chest and cackles, spurred on even further when Lucifer joins her, laughter pealing from his chest. 

“It’s lovely, isn’t it?” Lucifer asks her, and she just nods, eyes still looking up, gazing at the shimmering dots of light interrupting the deep black.  

Adam liked the stars, but he liked sleeping better. Ever since she first looked at the night sky with Lucifer she finds herself seeking out the calmness of the night more and more.  

She had been alone in the high grass until she wasn’t.  

She tears her gaze away, turning to see lucifer looking at her, his cheek resting in his hand. She hasn’t seen him this at ease before, like he is settled. She lets him look at her and she looks back at him. Her eyes trail over his features and she finds everything she sees reminds her of something she loves. His cheeks are pink like the roses that grow near the beechwood. His hair is pale and golden like early morning sunlight. It curls where it falls around his face. Her chest tightens, a fluttering in her belly, and she can’t contain the smile that breaks out on her face. And he smiles right back, so easily now, so unguarded and Lilith feels like she’s finally, finally getting what she wants. She reaches for him. He blinks, hard, and the moment breaks again.  

He straightens himself as if he had suddenly remembered something. She despairs as he looks away, clearing his throat. He points at the sky.  

“That, uhm. That’s the swan.” 

It takes Lilith a second to look away, following the line of his finger.  

“What?” she frowns at him, thrown.  

His voice is a little too loud for the quiet. “It’s- The stars, there’s- I put them up just so…”  

He angles his hands in front of his face, looking though the square he made with them. “That if you look at them from here you can draw them…” An elegant finger pointing an sliding at the sky. “Connect them and turn them into something else.” 

He looks back at her, smile a little wide. “You can create something just by imagining it, just in you head by connecting the dots.” 

Lilith regards him breathlessly. He is expecting something. Right. The stars.  

She lets her eyes search and catch on different spots of light, but can’t for the life of her find a swan. She doesn’t want to disappoint him but more than that she doesn’t want to fail at creation, now that she has the chance to do so. Lucifer moves closer to her and she’s very aware of his warmth as his face settles close to he hers. He spreads out his arms to point back at the sky, straight in her gaze.  

“Look,” he says, and Lilith can feel his voice rumble from his chest as he moves his hands slowly. Lilith focuses. “There,” he whispers, and it makes her feel both cold and hot. “That bright one, that’s the tip of the beak, the beginning. Imagine the swan in flight.” 

She finds it, and with every star pointed out the swan starts to materialize. Lilith is elated, picking up a stick, asking him if she’s getting it right, this new, abstract image in her mind. She digs the end of the stick in the sand, one little hole for every star, and drags the lines between them. She doesn’t know where it comes from, this instinct to put the images from her mind into the sand, but she does. And when she is done Lucifer is looking at her like she had been the one to put the stars up in the sky.  

“There you go,” he says, “you created.” 

The sand swan lays at her feet. It hadn’t been there before.  

“I suppose I did.” 

She looks up again and tries to compare the lines in the sand to the stars above them. 

“I can’t  believe you made that? Was that all you?” 

He looks pleased, the feathers on his wings fluff, making them look bigger than they were.  

“I did,” because of course he did. “It is one of Their favorite things I’ve made.” 

She loves him like this. The word pops into her head the moment she feels it. She loves him.  

“Creating things, just like you just did, it’s the… It’s the fruit of divinity. It’s our thanks to God, that Their creations try to follow in Their ways.”  

Has she just created this ‘love’? Would God be glad?  

“I am created,” Lilith confesses, “And sometimes I get the terrible feeling that that’s all there is to me.” 

Lucifer looks at her with such fondness it makes her stomach ache.  

“I am created too, Lilith, and still I create, and so do you. You’re doing it right now.” 

There is a doubt existing in her, about the truth and validity of that. About how it must be different for her and him, that they had been created for different purposes. It gets wiped away. The thought of her and Lucifer being equals so bright and Lucifer so sure, it disappears like foam in the stream.  

He’s leaning into her and it surprises her she’s only noticing it now. His shoulder touching hers, his arm a warm line agains hers. Something is wriggling in her, existing and wanting to get out. Wanting to be acted on. She feels a pull to do something, materialize what she feels like she had put the shapes in the sand and the word ‘love’ in her head. She turns a little, leans into him a bit further. He stays still, doesn’t pull back, doesn’t stand up and leave. All he does is watch her, very intently, bright green eyes staring into hers. She curls her fingers around his and his skin is hot like stone in the afternoon sun. Another thing she loves and he reflects back. But it ceases to be enough, to touch the skin of his hands. She wants something that she’s not getting, their skin a barrier between them, a border. If she could put a hand through him like she could put her hand in water, she would.  

His lips, a pale pink, are shiny and slightly ajar and she can’t look away. She raises her hand toward his face and he just keeps looking into her eyes. It makes her cheeks feel hot. She lets her fingers brush against his lips and he holds his breath, chest stopping in its rise. They’re wet and soft. Lilith is entranced. She slides her finger to the corners of his mouth, over the dip of his cupid’s bow and back down again. She brushes against his bottom teeth and to her amazement his mouth opens slightly wider. Lilith pushes her fingers into opening and they warm as he shudders on a breath out. She is in, she’s closer to him than she was before and it feels very real and important. She pushes a finger down, pressing on the tongue that tells her all these stories, delights her with all these answers, has never dismissed her. It feels like hers but more exciting. Another finger follows and she moves them over the wet heat, basking in the way it makes Lucifer’s eyebrows curve slight upwards in the middle. It’s not an expression she has seen before but it makes her breathe a little faster.  

She pulls her hand away slowly and Lucifer is looking up at her like she’s an anchor. She puts her wet fingers to her lips, comparing the feeling of their mouths. The sensation of his saliva mixing with hers eases some ache in her but awakens another. Every time she thinks she’s quelling something she discovers another need.  

“Lil,” Lucifer whispers on a halted breath, but he doesn’t continue.  

He just watches her with slightly narrowed eyes as she leans forward, close enough that she’s breathing in his air. She rests a hand on his cheek and he leans into it, his head tilting to the side. It feels like an invitation. She brushes her lips against his and they both shiver, which makes a breathy laugh escape Lilith’s lips.  

“Everything about you is lovely,” she whispers and his lips curl slightly.  

“I was just thinking the same thing about you.” 

She pushes her lips against his. He blinks rapidly, lashes fluttering, before his eyes slide closed, sighing in her mouth when he does. They’re together, they are finally as close as Lilith wants for the moment. She feels warmth coming from the core of her being. Lucifer lays a hand against her neck and it feels like burning in the best way, the kindest fire. Lilith moves back, angles her face and presses her lips against Lucifer’s again. Softer now, she moves her mouth, opening and closing, trying to see what more she can do, how much more of him she can get. She swishes her tongue against his lips, mimicking the movements her fingers had made, and just like last time it makes Lucifer open further. She pushes her tongue inside his mouth.  

Lucifer’s body goes a little slack at. He leans into her and Lilith’s heart pounds as she wraps an arm around him without thinking. The warmth in her belly is moving lower, a sun setting, and it makes her squeeze her legs together. She slides her tongue against his, tastes the inside of his cheek and hums at the wet warmth of his mouth. His tongue pushes her back slightly and she squeezes him. Still she needs to be closer. It’s as if Lucifer can hear her thoughts. He moves a leg next to her thigh, and the other between her legs, moving his body over her, resting some of his weight onto hers. She’s more than willing to bear it. She moves to take more of him and pushes her leg up. He gasps, tenses, and breaks the kiss. Lilith opens her eyes to see him look down, flushed. 

“Wha-?” he pants, seeming to exist somewhere between embarrassment and bliss.    

She almost thinks she’s done something wrong, but then she watches him slowly lower himself down on her leg again, using his hands on her shoulders to steady himself. The moment he sits down on her leg again he gasps, chest rising and falling rapidly. It strikes Lilith that she is giving him pleasure. It makes her skin tingle. She pushes her leg up again and Lucifer makes a noise, a soft whine, that makes Lilith repeat the motion. And again. And again.   

“Lili- I-” He bites his lip.  

Lilith is enraptured by the scene in front of her, by the warmth radiating off both of them. Lucifer looks back up at her and she sees the want, the need she has felt, reflected on his face. A golden curl spills over his face and Lilith tucks it back. 

“Does that feel good?” she asks, just to be sure.  

Lucifer swallows. “I- I think so?”  

She stills. “Do you want me to stop?” 

He holds his breath for a second before he shakes his head and Lilith leans in to press her lips against his again. She pushes her leg into him and his breath is hitching in her mouth now and Lilith thinks this might be the best she’s ever felt. Lucifer slides closer to her, their chests touching as he moves his hips back and forth, trying to match Lilith’s rhythm. She moves a hand down, to the region where her leg meets the inside of his. A noise escapes him and she catches it, melting at the sound. She moves the palm of her hand up and down, the action making Lucifer’s hips stutter in their movements. She squeezes a little before hiking her leg up and she gets a wonderful noise out of him for her efforts. His hands fall from her shoulders, trailing lower, tenderly traveling to where her sun was setting. He breaks the kiss to look at his hands and Lilith stills. She hums when they slide between her legs.   

Is this how Lucifer had felt, watching Lilith put her hands to his lips? His face flushes as he moves his hand, looking down with equal parts want and curiosity, and Lilith just watches him, gaze locked on his face. She can feel the muscles between her thighs contract and relax every time he moves his fingers and though the feeling is new and a little strange, she wants him to continue. He doesn’t. Instead, he raises his hand back up to inspect it, brows drawing together. It’s wet. Lilith’s just about to ask him to please put his hand back when he brings his shiny fingers to his lips, mirroring what she had done when she had been exploring him. Her breath catches. Lucifer puts his fingers in his mouth, lips closing around them and then slowly pulls them out. She can hear him thinking. It makes her want to put her tongue in his mouth again.  

He moves away before she can get close enough, takes his weight off of her to position himself in between her legs, on his knees. Lilith sits back, putting her weight on her elbows and watches Lucifer from behind her lashes. He bends down, tries to find a comfortable position, and then his mouth is on her and she’s gasping in the grass, balling her hands into fists as he slowly explores this part of her body. He looks up at her, eyes wide in question and she reassures him with a shaky smile.  

“So good, Luci, feels- ah, really good.” 

It makes him tremble against her legs. His tongue hits a spot that makes her squeeze her eyes shut, and he must’ve noticed because he glides over it again. And again. And again. She can’t help whispering his name.  

Is this what she had made him feel, when she was pushing her leg against him? The image of him, red in the cheeks and panting in her lap as she moves into him, setting the pace and pulling these unfamiliar sounds out of him, makes her whole body tense.  

A warmth spreads from her lower belly to her legs and her lungs can’t seem to take in a breath and she feels her mouth form a perfect ‘oh’ and pleasure washes over her like a wave. She’s crying out until she comes down from it, panting and sweaty. Lucifer is still between her legs but it doesn’t feel as good anymore, it feels like too much, and she gently puts her hand in his hair to push him away. His cheeks are rosy and his lips are puffy and she thinks he might be the prettiest thing she’s ever seen.  

“I’m done,” she tells him softly as she sits up.  

She moves to put her hand between his legs again, wanting to return the favor, wondering if she can make him cry out too, but he stops her by taking her hand in his. 

“I’m done too,” he breathes, a soft smile on his shiny lips.  

 They settle in the grass, bodies warm and side by side. Lucifer runs his thumb over the back of her hand.  

“I love you,” she says.  

Lucifer looks at her for a very long time, and though he’s smiling he looks sad. But Lilith is not afraid to ask. 

“Do you love me?” 

He squeezes her hand.  

“I can’t help it.”

Adam grabs her arm, stopping her in her path. Lilith whips her head around to look at him. His features are dark. 

“Just stop for a second!” he demands, and it makes Lilith snarl like a feline.  

“Let me go!”  

Adam lets go and Lilith is thankful enough for that to stay, to hear him out.  

“Where are you going? Where do you keep going off to?” Adam asks her, but it sounds a bit like begging.  

Lilith takes a step back.  

“What do you mean?” 

“Lilith, you’re,” Adam raises and drops his hands in exasperation, “You’re barely with me anymore. I wake up alone and don’t see you until the sun sets!” 

“That’s not true.” It isn’t. She was with him yesterday. “Maybe I’m not there because you rise late, and I rise early. Am I supposed to lay next to you and watch you sleep until you wake up?” 

Adam points a harsh finger at her. “That’s not-” He seems to bite his tongue, dropping his hand.  

It makes Lilith glare at him even harder. Maybe she wants him to be angry, wants him to be furious and discontent and unhappy.  

“I’m not saying you should watch me sleep but… But maybe stick around somewhere close? So we can spend time together. We haven’t been doing that much lately.” 

Lilith shrugs.  

“Ugh, Lilith,” Adam groans, “I don’t understand you! When and how did you forget we were made for each other? To be together?” 

Her stomach drops at his words. Adam must notice her flinching, because he tries for a smile. It doesn’t feel right. He steps forward and she doesn’t move, takes her hands in his because he is allowed to do that, he can touch her however and wherever. Because they are made for each other and no one else. When did she forget this?  

“God has a plan, Lilith, a kind plan,” he assures her so easily, without doubt. “And whatever God’s plan for humanity may be, I think it’s safe to say it can’t come true unless we cooperate.”   

Lilith lets a shuddering breath pass her lips. She feels cold, cold all over looking at her destiny. Adam squeezes her hands. 

“Lilith… To accept the responsibility of being a child of God is to accept the best that life has to offer you.”   

Eden is their paradise. Eden is the best God can offer them. Adam knows this. How did she forget this sentence? 

He smiles kindly.  

“When did you start to think you were something else?” 

It feels like the air gets knocked out of her. She pulls her arms back but Adam holds on. 

“Woah- Lil, please-” 

“Don’t call me that.”  

She puts a foot back and tugs and pulls again, becoming more frantic with every unsuccessful attempt at freeing herself. Adam holds her hands in a vice grip, trying to meet her eyes, babbling reassurances.  

“Let me go!” Lilith yells.  

“Stop struggling,” Adam bites, attempting to hold her still, “It won’t work. I am stronger than you.” 

She feels it, can feel her own body trying and failing against his strength. She makes a face like she’s going to scream.  

“Lilith, please, calm down.” 

She stops struggling. Her wrists are red.  

Adam lets out a breath. 

“Okay, just… I’m sorry I had to hold you like that. Forgive me,” he apologizes and Lilith doesn’t think it should work like that. “I just need you to not run away again, okay?” 

He’s looking at her like she’s a frightened animal. Lilith nods.  

“I won’t,” she rasps.  

He lets go of her wrists. 

She runs.  

He doesn’t chase her like she feared. He’d always been faster too. Her lungs burn and she can hear her heart beating in her ears.  

She thinks of Adam lazing in the sun, uninterested, uncompromising, incurious. Had he ever made something? Had he created a swan in the sand, invented how to love?  

She runs faster than she’s ever done before, the moss of the wood making way for tall grass. She slips on something, her ankle twists. As she sits on the ground, hugging her leg to her chest she glares up at the skies. Her ankle throbs painfully. She blames Adam.  

She comes back to Adam the next morning. Adam forgives her. She leans against his side and he holds her hand as he talks about nothing. She feels empty but it’s the right thing to do. She lasts the day at his side and stays away for seven.  

 Whatever Adam says, she is not forgiven.  

There is a new person in the garden. A human. A woman. Eve. Lilith doesn’t know what to think of her existence or her.  

When Lilith asks Lucifer about her he grinds his teeth over his bottom lip, frowning.  

“No, I… didn’t… know.” He looks dissatisfied, purses his lips. “Father didn’t inform me.” 

And Lilith thinks it’s best to let him sit with that for a moment, doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what has been breached. She bumps her leg into his and twists at the grass under her hand. The nagging feeling that she is somehow too wrong for the garden rears its head again.  

“Is she here to replace me?” she asks, bluntly so it’s out there, between them and in his hands, where it’s safer than in her head.  

Lucifer doesn’t blink, doesn’t turn to her, just keeps frowning into the garden. Lilith doesn’t recall seeing him this contemplative, this pensive before.  

“I don’t know,” he says, eventually, slowly like it hurts him, clipped like the words are venomous.  

For some reason, Lilith doesn’t really know why, this tickles her a bit. Perhaps, maybe, it’s because she feels like it’s finally not just her against it all anymore. Lucifer is displeased as well. And they’re always in each other’s corner.  

“She’s dull,” Lilith huffs, delighting a little on the L at the end of the word. “Looks to Adam every time she so much has a thought. Very strange.” 

“That’s… What do you make of that?”  

Lilith shrugs. “I really don’t know. Had hoped…” you would, but that seems too sensitive to say right now. “I am as lost as you are. Adam seems to like her, though.” 

Lucifer rolls his eyes and Lilith laughs, surprised.  

“I know, I know” she chuckles, “Gets him out of my hair though.” 

Lucifer huffs at that, lips finally curling, and Lilith kisses him because she wants to.    

Lilith is, beyond herself, getting worried about Eve.  

At first, Lilith had wanted to let it go, to just let Adam and Eve be most of the time. But Lilith knows herself, and if she is one thing she is curious. And this rare new addition to humankind would not leave her thoughts. She takes time to talk to her, really try to get to know her. What does she like, what does she think, who is she? At the end of her attempt Lilith feels so frustrated and unnerved she could cry.  

“And the whole time,” Lilith shouts, pacing back and forth over the soft dunes, “Adam wouldn’t leave her side! I tried to take her away and he followed! And she-” Lilith gestures madly “She wanted him to! She was stuck to him like honey, looking up at him every time I asked her a question more complicated than ‘what’s your favorite color’.”  

Lucifer sits on the sand below her, watching her raptly.  

“Well, what is her favorite color?” 

Lilith turns to him, arms outstretched. “It’s blue and you know why?!” 

Lucifer cringes.  

“Because Adam likes blue!” she all but screams.  

She puts her face in her hands and lets her body sink onto the sand. Lucifer shifts to sit next to her, puts a hand on her shoulder.  

“You’re very upset about this,” he says, as if that wasn’t clear as day. 

“You would be too if you talked to her.” 

She pushes her hands over her face, through her hair. She doesn’t know Eve and doesn’t exactly like her (there’s not much to like) but the thought of the woman makes her stomach twist. Thank God Lucifer is at her side, soft and warm.  

“I will,” he says, “Talk to her. If that’s what you want.” 

She leans against him.  

“I’d really appreciate that.”

Lilith dreams of water, black and thick. It’s in the clouds, in the rain that falls down, in the roots that soak it up. Trees blacken and forests crumble. The river runs dark. She’s the dark water, she’s the source, a pool of black beneath the earth.  

She wakes up gasping before the sun has risen. She feels hot even though the dawn is still pleasantly cool on her skin. The heat is coming from inside. She gets up.  

Following the stream, clear and blue, she listening to the early birdsong. She walks until she reaches its beginning, a waterfall. She hasn’t seen Lucifer for ten days. She feels sick with it. 

Lilith steps into the cool pool, shivering when the water envelops her. She stays far away from the violence of the cascading water and lowers herself down until her eyes peek out just above the surface. She watched the light dance of it. She stays like this until she needs to breath again, until her chest aches. Her fingers are starting to prune and she wonders why, why, why. She stares at them like the answer will reveal itself under more intense scrutiny. The hollow in her head where an answer should go remains unfilled. Can a creation not even know itself?  

Lilith swims back to the edge, easy and natural like walking, things she just knew upon existence. She sits on the ground and lets her hair cover her, heavy and dripping. It’s been getting longer, she thinks, but she doesn’t know why and when it will end.  

Eden glows in the morning light but Lilith remains in the dark. She rests her head on her knees, hugging her legs close. She hears footsteps behind her and the thought of having to face Adam feels suffocating, even though he’s done nothing wrong. These are not Adam’s footfalls though, something much lighter.  

“Lucifer,” she says on her breath out, and the weight in her chest unwinds. He sits down next to her, his hands clasped in his lap.  

“Are you alright?” he asks her.  

“Where were you?” she wants to know, but she spits the words more than she would’ve liked.  

He averts his gaze for a moment.  

“I’m sorry,” he gives as an answer, and it almost makes her angry but the spark doesn’t catch, because it’s him . “There was... Something was brought to my attention.” 

Lilith doesn’t really understand what he’s talking about but for maybe the first time she doesn’t ask, lets it be, because there’s something interfering with her breathing, something growing in her throat.    

It must show on her face or maybe Lucifer can just sense what she feels, it wouldn’t surprise her, because his eyebrows curl and his eyes widen and he reaches out a hand, soft and white like apple blossoms as he asks her, “Are you sure you’re alright?”   

“Of course,” she says, too quickly, too shaky, but really, why wouldn’t she be alright? As daughter of God in the garden of Eden, in Paradise? It’s the only answer that makes sense. 

But Lilith knows it’s the wrong answer and that she has done something wrong now, something she shouldn’t do. There's water running down her cheeks. And it makes Lilith feel very badly, making Lucifer look at her so alarmed.  

He raises a hand and Lilith waits, wanting, wanting, wanting. His hand, warm and soft, reaches her cheek. He moves the back of his fingers against the salty water on her cheeks, drying her face and wetting his fingers instead.  

“Why are you crying?” he asks her, and he looks very lost as he does it, as if something is wholly unright about it.  

It makes Lilith shrink in on herself. Her feelings, her thoughts, created the lump in her throat, made her cry. Like a sign, like a forced confession.  

“I don’t feel…” Lilith starts, but she doesn’t know where to begin, doesn’t know how to continue. “Everything… The garden, this paradise… me… Everything is perfect and as it should be, but I…”  

She bites her lip, wants to stop the truth from coming out. God created perfection because they like it so. Lilith would be a failure. Would They act? Would They turn their back on her? Would They be furious and disappointed? Would They recognize she was the one wrong thing, the infection in Their perfect garden? 

“There’s something wrong with me,” Lilith finishes softly.  

“No,” he whispers, and his voice shakes. “No, it could never be you. Anything else before it is you.” 

Lilith shakes her head, more tears falling.  

“I fear there’s been something wrong with me for a very long time.”  

Her voice gets warped by her crying, interrupted by her breaths and Lilith decides she really, really, hates crying. Why was she created to do so? Was this punishment for not being happy? For not being right?  

Lucifer uses the hand on her cheek to turn her face to look at him. His expression is one of pure heartbreak, verging on panic as he searches her face. It stuns her a bit, the intensity of his gaze. A sob halts in her throat.  

“Are you happy?” he asks, voice light and brittle.  

She can’t tell him she is. Her heart beats heavy and painfully.  

He lets out a breath like it’s punched out of him, blinking like he’s trying to will something away.  

“How-” he chokes on it.  

She squeezes his hand back, a little too tightly. He cups her cheek so forcefully he’s almost squeezing.  

“I’m sorry,” she says, because she doesn’t know what to say.  

He shakes his head and says what she fears most, more than being wrong, more than God turning Their back on her.  

“I need to go.” 

Paradise is burning.  

“No,” Lilith sobs, “Please-” 

“No, no, no, my love,” he shushes her, quickly, almost frantic. “I will be back. Please- Please don’t cry.”  

His hands are shaking, she can feel them tremble against her cheek.  

“I just- I need to- They need to-.” 

Lilith can see him looking for words, can see his brain forming thoughts, ideas, thinking, thinking, thinking. He looks angry. She loves him. More than anything.  

He drops his hand from her face, uses it to squeeze hers.  

“I’ll fix this,” he promises. “We can only do the best we can by the light we have to see by. And I am the Lightbringer.” 

The process of the fall, which started a long time before the actual act of being cast out, is not important. Heaven was never a court and it was never supposed to be. Still a judgment passed and still a sentence was executed.  

Just as we’re told pride did come before fall. However, love was there as well, and as it so often does, love eclipsed the sin, eclipsed the judgement.  
All you should know is that when they fell, both cursed and mourned into something monstrous, they held each other. A shooting star, a comet burning. The first act Hell saw was an embrace. It’s simple. Lucifer held Lilith and Lilith held him. Lilith was protected from the brunt of the violence by a shield of angelic feathers and when he laid burning she was the one that put out the fire with her own hands.