Archive of Our Own ^beta

Moth: I bet Batman broke up with Superman. I've got $20 riding on that, actually.

Supeman: Nobody broke up with anybody! We're not exes! Or dating!

Moth: You can tell us the truth. This is a safe space. ...Well, a somewhat safe one.

Robin: Exactly! Do you need help to get back together with him? Nightwing responded to one of our tweets, so we're basically best friends now. I'm sure he could help with Batman.

Superman: Nightwing did what? Who are you guys?

Robin: We're Bananalysis! We make videos on the internet. And in our last one, we made an application and Nightwing said he was looking into it. We also criticised your costume, actually. It's very questionable.

Superman: Hey, my costume is fine! Really, what is it with you guys?

Moth: What is it with you? Do you seriously think that costume is fine, Captain Underpants?

Superman: Why underpants? I really gave my best designing it!

Robin: So you did design it youself! Nice to know. We made lots of commentary. Want to hear it?

Superman: ...Do I want to hear it? I'm not so sure.

Moth: [She pats Superman on the shoulder reassuringly] Trust me, you want to hear it. It's great.

Robin: Okay, first of all, I have a pressing question on the cape. Is it detachable?

Superman: Yes, it is.

Robin: Have you ever lost it before? During a fight? Did you ever trip on it?

Superman: I've lost it before, but I've never tripped over it.

Moth: Do you have backup capes? If so, can we have a cape? I want to add it to my cosplay collection.

Superman: Send me an email? We'll talk about it then.

Robin: Is there an official Superman email? Can I send you memes on there?

Superman: I've got an email, yes, but please don't send memes on it.

Moth: What if they're good memes? Like the homophobic dog ones?

Superman: I wouldn't appreaciate it.

Robin: Man, what a letdown. I even made a whole folder with memes for this occaison!

Moth: This is why Metropolis sucks. Gotham vigilantes would let me email them memes. I saw Red Hood the other day, actually, and he thought the homophobic dog memes were funny.

Robin: Well, Red Hood objectively has great humor. We should hunt him down for a video sometime too.

Moth: We should. Hey, Superman, if you were to destroy our house fighting a villain, could we collect insurance on that? Do you know if insurance covers superhero fights? Because I'm pretty sure our insurance covers Bat fights, but there's nothing about superheroes.

Robin: Right, and it would be really, really impractical if something like that were to happen.

Superman: Depends on your insurance? It should be in the contract. But I don't know anything about insuring my damages.

Robin: Maybe I'll just send you an email when that happens. With an invoice.

Superman: You mean "if".

Robin: I said what I said.

Moth: I've got another question for you, Mr. Soup. If, hypothetically, you were to order a 'gun piñata' off the internet, would you assume you'd recieve a gun shaped piñata or a piñata filled with guns?

Superman: A gun piñata? Who would order that? But I'd say it's a gun shaped piñata. Everything else would be illegal.

Moth: Thank you! See, Robin, I told you I wasn't insane. A gun shaped piñata is the obvious answer. It's not my fault that company seemed to think otherwise.

Robin: It's Gotham. The guy is from elsewhere. Of course he thinks like that.

Moth: But he's Superman. His word has to count for something, right?

Robin: ...Okay, yeah. I think it's more interesting they sent that thing to a minor.

Superman: Was this not a hypothetical question??

Robin: Purely hypothetical...

Moth: Extremely hypothetical. Just, avoid looking in that cabinet behind the camera. Anyways, lets get back to that tax report.

Superman: I didn't bring my tax report. Why would I?

Robin: So we can confirm you are a rich boy, obviously. Do you finance your superhero activities yourself? Do you get money from corporations? Do you do paid partnerships??

Moth: Did you break up with Batman in order to date Lex Luthor for his money?

Superman: What? No, of course not!

Robin: So many bets are going to be ended by this video, I can feel it. Personally, I had my money on Batman too.

Moth: Anyways, Superman, are you rich?

Superman: No, I'm not rich. I have the average amount of money.

Moth: Sure you do.

Robin: Average for which social standing? How much is your definition of average, Mr. Soup?

Superman: I don't feel comfortable disclosing that in front of a camera.

Robin: [handing him a pen and paper] Write it, then.

Superman: Like... This amount?

Robin: [looking at the paper with wide eyes] What the actual fuck, Mr. Soup. In a month?!

Moth: [Reaching across to grab the paper] Let me see! Oh, wow. That's a lot of money.

Robin: I don't think I have owned that much money in my lifetime. I'll be back... I need to defenastrate somethin, holy shit. [They leave the frame, there is rumbling, something breaks off camera]

Moth: Don't break stuff! We aren't rich like Superman, we can't afford to fix everything!

Robin: It was Mr. Calculus.

Superman: ...I'm not rich, guys. I'm well-off, but-

Moth: CALLED IT! I knew you'd say that.

Robin: [still off screen] I hate when you're right like this.

Moth: I'm always right. I'm a genius.

Superman: I fear I don't understand. It's not that much money.

Moth: [Turning to look at Robin] Metropolitans, am I right?

Robin: Seriously, you guys have no sense of proportion for anything. I bet you even live alone in a multiple bedroom apartment, don't you?

Superman: I do need space for the Superman equipment, yes?

Robin: I hate this. [comes back onto the screen] Happier things, happier things. Anyway, my costume advice for you goes as follows: No spandex, underwear under the wear. Nothing else to be added. That'd be a major upgrade already.

Superman: What is wrong with spandex?

Moth: What is right with spandex?

Superman: There is lots of space for movement, accentuates the threatening parts of my physique-

Robin: Mr. Soup, I am sorry if I am the first to tell you this, but your getup is far, far from threatening.

Superman: But the-

Robin: No. You look like you are an overgrown boy with his undies on display. You don't get how non threatening it is. Which is fine for calming civilians, but it's not an argument towards spandex. Also, space for movement? In spandex? I have more room for movement with sweatpants on.

Superman: I can move fine.

Robin: Can you even properly lift your arms?

Superman: Of course I can!

Robin: Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that. Anyway, if you're up for a little costume redesign, just speak the word. It's truly atrocious.

Superman: It's not!

Robin: How about we ask the people? Comment your opinions on the Superundies now.

Moth: My opinion on the Superundies is that you Should Not. Please, just burn them.

Superman: That's a little harsh, don't you think?

Moth: You're a big kid, you can take some criticism.

Robin: I mean, if we can take it, you can do it too. Now that we discussed this, you should eat more of your soup. It's getting cold.

Superman: I would prefer not to.

Robin: Is this classism?

Moth: Superman's true self exposed. I can think of a few news outlets that'd pay good money for this story.

Robin: Anything to defend yourself, Mr. Soup-Hater?

Superman: I like soup! Just... not this one.

Robin: Uh huh. Tsk. Want some tea instead? Or do you only drink the freshly brewed, loose leaf type?

Superman: I'm fine without anything to eat or drink, thank you.

Superman: No comment.

Robin: Good.

Moth: Coward.

Superman: That's not very nice.

Moth: I'm not very nice. Hey Supes, who's your favorite Gotham vigilante? Other than your ex-boyfriend, obviously.

Superman: Batman is not my ex!

Moth: Spoken like someone who is Batman's ex. Answer the question, Mr. Man.

Superman: What's with the names? And... if I had to choose one, probably Nightwing. All of the Bats do great work to protect your city, though.

Robin: I'm telling him that. Was it the Discowing that won you over?

Superman: The Discowing? Are you talking about the costume?

Robin: Am I talking about the costume? THE iconic Nightwing costume? Of course I am!

Superman: It's a nice costume, but that's not why he's my favorite. He's a great hero.

Robin: Well, I suppose Nightwing is a safe choice. Moth, did you see that one article by that one guy from Metropolis that was basically a worship manifest?

Moth: Which one? There's a lot of weird Metropolis articles.

Robin: Uh, I think it was by some guy named Clarkson? Or something like that. But it was just 4000 words just praising Nightwing without context. Have you read that too, Mr. Mansoup?

Superman: ...I may have, yes.

Robin: Knew it. [a moment of silence] Hey, Moth, uh. Have you seen Bomb?

Moth: Hmm? Oh, Bomb's in the kitchen.

Superman: Excuse me? You have a bomb in the kitchen?

Robin: Yeah, want me to show you to him?

Superman: I- what?

Robin: Let me get him. [Robin walks off screen again.]

Moth: We found Bomb in a warehouse explosion. As soon as we saw him, we knew we had to take him home with us, you know

Superman: No, I don't know. Why do you have a bomb in your house? Is it dangerous?

Moth: Bomb's not dangerous! He's only murderous 50% of the time.

Superman: Do you want to blow something up?! Of course bombs are dangerous!

Robin: [Walking back into frame, holding an orange cat.] Bomb!

Superman: That's a cat.

Moth: He's a very nice cat. Would you like to pet him?

Superman: Will he explode?

Moth: Only one way to find out.

Robin: I feel like you don't know how cats work. Why would cats explode?

Moth: Don't be rude, maybe cats explode in Metropolis. Though, exploding cats seem more like a Gotham thing...

Robin: ...Do cats explode in Metropolis?

Superman: Wha- No? Not usually?

Robin: That's good then. Poor exploding kittens.

Moth: You know, when I was working for Scarecrow, there was a bomb cat. Well, it was a bomb shaped like a cat, but that's basically the same thing.

Robin: It's gun piñata all over again. Is Scarecrow making those?

Superman: You worked for whom? What are you? 15?

Moth: ...I'm almost 16. And I don't know where the gun piñata or the bomb cat came from.

Superman: Are you a criminal? Do I need to arrest you or something?

Moth: Crime is a social construct. But please don't arrest me, I don't want to go through that again.

Superman: I'm sorry, again?

Robin: I'm not bailing you out this time.

Superman: I feel like we are not discussing the important aspects of this??

Robin: What are you, a cop?

Moth: You're not going to snitch on us, are you, Mr. Man?

Robin: Would you snitch on a kid, Mr. Souper? Could you bear that?

Superman: I- I guess not?

Robin: Good. Good.

Moth: Now, I have a very very important request for you, Superman.

Superman: I'm scared to ask what it is.

Moth: Why on earth would you be scared? Anyways, I have this assignment for school where I have to 'interview my personal hero' or some bullshit, and I was wondering if you'd like to be in the video? I'm honestly not your biggest fan, but I've heard rumours that this other kid in my school, Tim, was going to interview Red Robin, so I've gotta outdo him.

Superman: Can't you just use this video right here? Is- Is that not enough?

Moth: Well you haven't said anything motivational yet, have you?

Superman: No, not particularly, but-

Moth: Exactly.

Superman: In my defense, everything you've thrown at my so far was... rather strange.

Moth: That's no excuse. You've had plenty opportunities to say something good.

Superman: Don't do crime? Is that something I'm supposed to say?

Moth: You have to say something cool. Something quotable. Something important. It's easy! Even Robin could do it, if they wanted. And thats saying something.

Robin: She's right.

Superman: A good friend of mine once told me "The world only makes sense if you force it to." I think that's a pretty meaningful quote.

Moth: Yeah, but it's not your quote. It's your friend's.

Robin: Also, what was your friend on to say something edgy like that and where can I get it?

Moth: I'm betting it was just Batman. That guy is always edgy.

Robin: Stealing quotes from your ex is not very heroic of you.

Superman: He's not my ex. And I'm not stealing his quotes.

Robin: You'll need to be a bit more creative. You don't want to be the reason dear Moth fails her assignment, do you?

Moth: I'm just a poor innocent teenager. All I've ever wanted in life is for Superman to give me a quote to use in my assignment, but I guess I'm not worthy of even that.

[Moth begins to dramatically cry. Superman looks very uncomfortable and put-off by the situation.]

Robin: See what you have done, Mr. Soup. What do we do now? There, there, Moth.

Superman: I didn't do anything wrong! What is happening?!

Robin: She is clearly traumatized. Just give her a good quote, won't you?

Superman: Stay in school and don't do crime.

Moth: Superman thinks I'm a failure! My life is ruined!

Robin: There, there... Go get your batucation, Moth. It'll do you good.

Superman: I think I made it worse.

Robin: Okay then, Captain Obvious.

Moth: [Staring directly into Superman's eyes, whilst still crying] The only thing that could make me feel better is if I were to somehow come into possession of $100.

Superman: Ah. [Rummaging in his suit, pulling out a wallet.] Let me see.

Robin: There is pockets inside?

Superman: Here, $100 and a few coins. Happy?

Robin: I can't believe that worked.

Moth: [As soon as Superman hands her the money, Moth stops crying, and her tears dissapear immediately] Me neither. Thanks, Mr Soup!

Superman: I feel like I've been scammed.

Robin: Don't think too hard about it.

Moth: Scamming is a harsh word. I prefer... you were being charitable.

Superman: Right. [The ignored orange cat, Bomb, jumped into his lap. He pets it.] Apparently, it's not explosive.

Moth: Not explosive yet.

Superman: Please don't tell me there is a real threat attached to this cat.

Robin: Then we won't tell.

Moth: Hey, Superman, since filming these videos is technically part of our job or whatever, could we list you down as a reference for work applications and stuff?

Superman: I- I guess, yes?

Robin: Will you write us a letter of recommendation too?

Moth: Would anything from you be legally binding, actually?

Robin: Do you have a legally binding Superman signature?

Superman: I don't think so? I don't see any reason for me to need one...

Robin: Well, we were thinking that in case the heroes are funded by some rich people then there should be a legally binding contract to secure that agreement. But then again, you operate under secret identities so either you sign them with your actual identity, which is a security risk, orrrr you have a Superman signature.

Superman: I'm actually not going to answer that question.

Robin: Although, seeing your salary, you probably fund yourself. That amount of money is ridiculous.

Superman: I think it would be risikier to tell you. I don't even know you. I don't know what I'm even doing here. I was walking through the street to get out of the city and suddenly I am here, eating weird soup and being manipulated by two children-adjacent humans. What is going on?

Robin: ...Are you okay, Mr. Soup?

Superman: My name is not Mr. Soup.

Robin: Mr. Superman, would you like a tea and another towel maybe?

Moth: It'll only be $100. Service is expensive, these days.

Superman: I don't have any more money on me and I wouldn't pay anyway, you kidnapped me!

Robin: Consensually.

Superman: ...Just give me the towel.

[The video cuts, the screen displaying the "A few minutes later" clip from Spongebob.]

[On the couch sits a much drier Superman, wrapped in some of the blankets on the couch, with two cats sitting on him. He looks like a Superman-Burrito.]

Robin: Oooookay, now that that is sorted out. Superman, are you feeling better??

Superman: [mumbling beneath the blankets]

Robin: I take that as a yes. Are you up to answering some final questions?

Superman: I'll hold on to my right to not answer.

Robin: Spoken like a true journalist. Anyway, do you like superhero work?

Superman: [His eyes flicker to them quickly at the journalist reference.] It can be tough sometimes, but I love being able to make a positive change for our world.

Moth: Where was this attitude when I was asking you for a quote?

Robin: Stop bullying our guest, Moth.

Superman: To be fair, I was not in the best state of mind half an hour ago, so there's that.

Robin: Do you see the changes you made? Do you struggle with your standing sometimes, to make all this effort and not always see it?

Superman: I... The work I do, and your bat vigilantes for that matter, is slow work. We see the good in the faces of the people we help, but structural change is slow and hard and it's unrewarding. Still, it's important, it's worth it and so we do it.

Moth: Stop asking the boring questions. Superman, on a scale from 1-10, how likely are you to date Batman in the future?

Superman: I seriously doubt that The Batman is gay. Apart from that, I'll give it a 2.

Moth: Have you seen that man? Do you really think he's straight? And he's your ex, so clearly he's got a bit of fruit in him, right?

Superman: I have never dated Batman. Also, it's rude to assume other people's sexuality like that. If he wants to come out, let him do it himself. Tough I do have to say, the whole bat persona and brooding seems... dramatic for a straight man, yes.

Moth: I'm not... assuming his sexuality. I'm just saying it as it is. But, Batman, if you're watching this video and are offended, please contact us and we can interview you to clear anything up!

Robin: How subtle.

Superman: There was subtext?

Robin: ...For someone so... Superman, you are astonishingly oblivious.

Moth: Actually, while we're here, would you like to tackle the rumors on your own sexuality? Or would you prefer to just channel your inner Batman and be mysterious?

Superman: I'd prefer to keep that information to myself, thank you. I don't label myself.

Robin: Fair. What is your favourite part of Gotham?

Superman: I'm not quite sure. Your city is very... interesting. Some of the architecture is great, though. Lots of statues.

Moth: The statues are nice. Not a lot of them in this part of town, though. Just rain. Lots of rain.

Robin: Sometimes I think the rain is a paid actor, making the place more moody, you know?

Moth: It probably is. Funded by Bruce Wayne. The guy seems like he'd pay for some good ol' rain.

Robin: Brucie Wayne, resident billionaire pretty boy. Mr. Foreign Pretty Boy, do you know Mr. Wayne?

Superman: ...I'm familiar with him, yes.

Robin: Did he treat you well? I'd hope so. Have you met his kids?

Superman: I've met a few of them over the years. The Wayne family does a lot of funding for the Justice League.

Robin: Huh, that's interesting.

Moth: I know the Wayne kids. A bunch of them go to my school. They seem like the kind of people who would hire rain to be constantly pouring over Gotham. New conspiracy theory to add to the board, Robin.

Robin: I'll jot it down. You could ask them directly, you know. To confirm or for them to deny but we still keep the theory.

Superman: Why would they pay for that?

Robin: It's Gotham and they are rich kids. Do you know the surreal shit rich kids get up to?

Superman: I suppose I have been called peculiar as a child too...

Moth: That doesn't surprise me.

Superman: You are a very rude kid.