Work Text:
The wheel
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I've read many Jegulus stories, all kinds, and recently I stumbled upon a slightly darker (not too dark) side of the fandom where James, for various reasons, cheats on both Lily and Regulus and has children with both. In some versions, he dies like in the original story, while in others, he lives. None of the stories have a conclusion, so I'll see where mine takes me, but I don't want to be one of those stories. As much as I like it, I want a story where my sweet James isn't a jerk. Again, I have nothing against those stories or the authors.
I want to make it clear that most of it will be narration and there will be very little dialogue, as I'm terrible at making dialogue sound natural. Also, the topics covered are sensitive; I don't want to hurt anyone. Many things came from my own feelings and how I felt.
While writing, I realized that I had strayed a bit from the original material.
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In an infinite darkness, where he couldn't even see his own hands, where the gods had abandoned the place, a young man, no more than nineteen years old, let his blood fall upon a rock to clear the path. Just as Heracles was asked to perform twelve labors to atone for his sins, the young man hoped to atone for some of his own. With only his most loyal friend, a house-elf, for company, he took the reins of his life for the first time. Perhaps all the bad decisions, the pain, and the cries—all were for this reason. Perhaps the one who was once Regulus Black was born to die; in the end, all roads lead him here.
In that darkness that seemed to swallow all hope, amidst the mirages of those he once loved, he takes his last breath and lets himself be submerged by hundreds of hands. In another life, perhaps he would make a different choice, but in this one, Regulus Black was murdered on October 31, 1979, by the Infeti guarding Voldemort's cave. Leaving behind, as the only proof of what happened, a small testament:
To the Dark Lord - I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I stole the original Horcrux and will attempt to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you face your destiny, you will once again be mortal. - RAB
Many years later, a young man would find that note that had chosen him for his ingenuity at such a young age and cursed him for making his search more difficult, the boy who against all odds lived… Harry Potter.
But just as a Muggle scientist once dreamed, parallel universes exist, whose forces and particles are virtually the same as those in our universe. In a world where the only magic is love, could he be happy? If what Regulus believed was true, then in this life he would also have to pay to atone for his sins.
…
For as long as Reg can remember, there's been something wrong with him. He's not sure what. He feels miserable wearing beautiful dresses, dresses he's certain would look stunning on his cousins, but never on him. And that's the second unusual thing: when he looks in the mirror, he can't tell that the reflection is his own. It's as if he's looking at a moving image of someone else. The third unusual thing is that no one else seems to notice anything wrong with him. They don't seem to realize that he's a he and not a she. But he doesn't blame them, after all. He didn't realize it until many years later, or perhaps he didn't accept it until then.
He always envied his older brother Sirius; he was everything he wasn't and had once dreamed of. Strong, brave, funny , a child —maybe childish, but he never thought that it would be hard for him to get what he wanted; on the contrary, he had to push himself twice as hard to be noticed, but even then he was just a shadow, a failed replacement.
But then his whole world changed on the first day of winter break. He remembers that day, the day the wheel of fate began to turn… “A Gryffindor, a bloody Gryffindor!!! But not only that, you dare to hang out with inferiors!” His mother’s shouts echoed throughout the hall. In moments like that, the wisest thing to do was to remain silent until his mother calmed down, and even then, nothing was said until they were safely back in their dormitories. “They’re not inferiors! They’re my friends!” And there goes his brother’s prudence.
smack!
Any trace of heat left the brothers' faces; Walburga Black was not a loving mother, far from it. She was one of those who believed that for good upbringing, beatings were necessary, but never like that, never visible, much less with her bare hands. She preferred to hit them with a stick on their calves, their backs, and if she was very angry, on their hands.
* poof*
smack!
Blood began to form on his brother's cheeks, his mother's nails kept digging in, causing more damage, and although it was far from the usual brutality, there was something in his mother's eyes that froze his blood; there was pure hatred.
“You can hit me, curse me all you want, but that won’t change the fact that I’m a Gryffindor. You taught me that I shouldn’t associate with poor people, mixed-race people, people of color because they’re inferior, but you!!! You!!! are the only inferior one. What kind of mother hits her children?”
It's over. It's all over. *Whack!* *Whack!* The Blacks have always liked all kinds of weapons; they collected them. Maybe that's why Regulus didn't question why his mother had a whip. It was his brother's shouts that snapped him out of his trance.
Ahhh! Aaaj! Ah!
“ Mother, stop. Sirius is sorry, he won’t do it again. Mother.”
"Shut up, Regina, if you don't want to be punished too. Everything started going wrong when you were born. Sirius used to listen to me; he was a good boy. But you... everything bad that happens to me is because of you."
-"Reg-"
Ahhh! Aaaj! Ah!
His attempts to talk to her about Sirius only angered her more. "Regina, go to your room."
“- but mother-”
“I said to your room!!!”
Ahhh! Aaaj! Ah!
With one last look at his brother, he goes upstairs. When he enters his room, he collapses to the floor, clutching the door tightly, waiting for the moment to go downstairs and help Sirius. He sits with his knees drawn up to his chest, cursing his mother for causing them pain, for not loving them, cursing Sirius for not knowing when to stop, for not being able to keep playing along, and then cursing himself and her for doing nothing, for thinking Sirius was to blame.
After what seemed like an eternity, silence reigned. I waited a few minutes before going downstairs. Sirius, or what was left of him, was lying face down on the living room floor, covered in sweat, blood, and what looked like urine. A few steps away from him was his suitcase; he had left it there when he arrived. Ambushed .
He put one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist, hoping that as he carried her up she wouldn't make a sound, not wanting to alert the monster called Mother. Each step was a punch; she couldn't breathe, but she couldn't stop either. When she reached the bedroom door, she felt like she had arrived in heaven. Very carefully, she placed Sirius on the bed and looked for her first aid kit. She wasn't sure how they got there; for as long as she could remember, there was always one in every bedroom, every bathroom, every kitchen, and every room.
Once upon a time, another Black healed his wounds; once upon a time, a Black guarded the younger generations, a beacon in the darkness.
It would be great to say that was the end of that day, but unfortunately, there was still more to come for young Black. After making sure his brother was alright, he left very carefully. “Regina,” at the end of the hall, like a specter, the matriarch waited by the stairs. With ragged breaths, she approached. “Mother.”
“My sweet, silly girl, truly stupid,” the smell was sour; she had been drinking . “ If you had been born a boy, it would have been perfect. The doctors said I was expecting a boy, an achievement, unlike Drucella who gave birth to three girls, but you were born instead! A mere failed replacement.”
“Madr-” I grabbed her hand, digging my nails into her pale skin. “I wish you were dead,” and with those last words, I pushed her down the stairs.
…
Being a member of the ancient and noble House of Black always comes with sacrifices. After that night, things calmed down a little, but they didn't improve. Every night, Walburga Black found reasons to punish her, and after Sirius's return to Hogwarts, she spent her time in her father's office, whom she had only seen five times in the decade she had lived. To avoid repeating Sirius's dishonor, she would be trained by her father himself.
"I can't let you bring any more shame to the Black house."
"If only that woman had done her job and you had been born a boy."
…
The first time she met James was on the train. The sun streamed through the window, illuminating the young man and making him seem like the sun's physical manifestation; he was warm. His skin was tanned, with freckles on his nose and messy chocolate-brown hair. He wore glasses that shouldn't have looked good, but on him, they were perfect. For the rest of the journey, she watched him, not only because of his beauty but also because she was genuinely curious about the boy her brother kept talking about.
If you were to ask James what he thought when he met Reg, he would say that he was the most beautiful being he had ever seen, perhaps even more so than Lily. It was like looking at a slightly shy angel hiding behind his brother. He would also say that he was a boy who looked at him a lot, and although he doesn't understand it yet, when he grows up he will know that to know that someone is looking at you, you have also been looking.
Everything seemed to be in order; Sirius's joy was evident as the people he cared about most met, until a question from the silent member interrupted, freezing the air: "And Regina, which house do you think you'll be in? Gryffindor, too, or maybe Slytherin like your family?"
It didn't matter that he answered at that moment, because after all the colors that would dress him would be green, the distance with his brother grew, the first weeks he would look for him to talk being dismissed by his friends.
“Now’s not a good time, Regina. Maybe another time,” Peter would reply, as if he were trying to sell chocolate or something. She stopped trying; the Black brothers avoided each other like the plague.
And like a curse, the breaking point arrived in Sirius's seventh year and Regulus's sixth. He's not sure what caused it; he only knows that on August 5, 1976, while the residents of Number 12 Grimmauld Place slept, the eldest took his things out the window. The rest of the summer goes to hell; she's punished just for breathing, watching as they erase any trace of Sirius.
A short time later, he receives a letter from James explaining why Sirius left: “ I don’t know how much you know, but after the summer I don’t think it will matter. Your parents wanted him to marry a pureblood woman. I don’t know who; Padfoot won’t tell me. But he can’t, not even because of who she is. He can’t live a lie, especially if he loves someone else. ” The letter ends by saying that he is welcome to write or talk to him, or even visit.
I ignore everyone, but James Potter didn't seem like someone who would stop, and that's how, even though Reg told him to fuck off, he would return, which caused a tentative friendship. They meet in the astronomy tower and talk about a little bit of everything.
“Sometimes I don’t feel like myself; everything I do is complicated, even what I wear is planned by someone else.”
"If you could dress however you wanted, what would it be like?"
" - pants"
It was something said in passing, not something you'd expect the other person to take seriously, but he was wrong. James organized a day where the boys wore skirts and the girls wore trousers, though it looked more like a strike. In any case, the rules changed, allowing students to wear whatever uniform they wanted, regardless of gender.
"Did you see his face? He looked horrified, hahaha"
“Oh my god, Mr. Potter, what are you wearing, and you, Miss Black?” James mimicked Professor Horace Slughorn.
“- Hahaha, don't forget his expression when he saw the women playing badminton, hahaha, it looked like his soul left his body.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, especially when he literally fell when the guys came out dancing hahaha”
Laughter echoed throughout the tower, "- To tell you the truth, Potter, I don't think I'll ever forget it" - "- Oh, and why is that? Am I too charming?"
There's a reason they say the eyes are the window to the soul. In that moment, they were both seeing into each other's souls. "Yeah... you dance really well, and that skirt made you look like the most charming guy ever." James's tanned skin darkened. In that moment, it was just Reg and James. " You looked great in those pants too... I'm not saying you didn't look good without them, because you do. Wait, that sounded bad. What I mean is... you're beautiful." No one could ruin this moment. It was just the two of them looking into each other's eyes. Well, until someone ruined it.
The older brother Black enters, causing them both to jump as far as they can. “- Sirius, what-”
“Wormtail told me he saw you enter the tower. He wanted to talk to you, but you seem to be busy, which leads me to a very important question: What the hell are you doing in the astronomy tower with my sister!”
“I summoned him; I wanted him to help me talk to you.” That was a terrible lie, the last thing he wanted at that moment. James left to give them some privacy. Perhaps Sirius got up from the good side of the bed because he didn't argue, or at least not much. “What do you want to talk about? It's been months, and you've been avoiding me.”
“I’ve been avoiding you”
"- Yeah"
"You're the one who hasn't spoken to me since first year, you avoided me like the plague."
"That's nice coming from you, you avoided me too."
“You left in the middle of the night without saying anything to me.”
“I couldn’t stay; they forced me to marry a pure-blooded woman.”
“Poor Siri, they’re forcing him to get married. Grow up already, that was going to happen sooner or later.”
“I’m gay, a narcissist, I can’t fake it, it would kill me.”
"And what about me? Did you ever think what would happen to me? It's not okay for you to pretend, but it's okay for me. You know how much I want to be free, but because of you, that will never change."
"You can leave, Reg."
“No, that ship has already sailed.”
"Who do they want you to marry?"
"- You
"Damn sickos"
The reconciliation took several months, but they tried every day. By the end of the school year, Reg wanted to confess his feelings to James. He knew James liked him, and it seemed to be mutual. But he arrived late; at the school entrance, Lily Evans and James Potter were kissing. He didn't seem to be the only one surprised. The students were talking about how good they looked together and how James had asked him out years ago.
She didn't notice a friend of her brother approaching. " They look good together, don't they?" Pettigrew said with a big smile. " Lily is beautiful, polite, smart, gets along with all of us, and James has liked her for years."
That night she cried in Evan's arms while Barty plotted an assassination.
Adolescence was a nightmare, the lowest point for Reg. After Sirius and James left, she was devastated. She understood, but he left her thinking she'd never be loved. Her parents hated her, and her brother was gone. James preferred a truly beautiful girl. Maybe she wasn't good enough? The only one who seemed to understand her was her music teacher, and that's how he took advantage of her, not caring that he was twice her age. She knew it was wrong, but she wanted to feel something, wanted to feel that someone cared about her. If anyone asked what he taught her, she'd answer, "He plays his flute, and he helps me with my lute." No matter what her friends said, she defended him because she felt that someone finally truly understood her.
“Reg, he’s going to hurt you.” Pandora never liked the master, and when she found out about his affair, she almost killed him on the spot.
“He seems sincere, so kind, there’s a connection, he’s different from the others.”
But every act must end. Walburga Black found out, and who was she going to punish? It was the first time she was hospitalized. The music teacher blamed her, saying she had seduced him. There was talk of sending her away to avoid a scandal, but it was said that she would get engaged; while that was happening, she would finish her studies.
With two weeks to go before returning, she escaped. She wanted a little freedom before they clipped her wings and forced her to be a caged bird. She had been talking with her brother for some time about taking a trip together, and when she found out that he and the Marauders were already planning a trip, she decided to catch up with them in Paris to finish the journey with them.
With her nerves on edge, she tried to concentrate on the trip, but nothing seemed to work, and that's when James Potter approached and spoke in a low voice: " Did you have another fight with your mom?"
Reg, his face twisted with fury, said, "What did Sirius tell you?"
"Nothing, just that you've been upset. And maybe you want to talk to someone. I know your mother isn't the easiest person to deal with." Which was an understatement; the woman was pure evil.
“Sirius and I don’t talk about our parents. You know that,” Reg snapped. That had been a rule for him to be able to travel with them.
"Yes, then why don't you let me distract you from whatever's bothering you? I'll take you anywhere you want in the whole city." He playfully nudged Reg in the shoulder.
Reg finally managed a smile, resting his head on his knees, "-Do you think you can afford my high-class taste?" he said with a nasal impression of Walburga, in an elegant accent.
James chuckled. "I think I can manage." Regulus took them to a small café first. He ordered for both of them, since he actually understood French. "How come I only just found out you speak French?"
“Well, you know, Siri and I are originally from France. We moved here when I was three.” “ Wait, you really didn’t know that? ” James shook his head. They talked until the manager had to ask them to leave.
They walked through the streets until they reached their hotel, but before going in James asked Regulus something : "Could you say something to me in French?"
-"Because?
-“I like it when you speak French, your voice is sweeter and you always seem to be smiling.” Not very convinced and embarrassed by what he had said, he remained silent for a while, when it seemed that he wasn't going to say anything, “- you know, forget it, you don't have to-”
“-Quand je suis avec toi, je me sens plus heureux, je ressens une chaleur que je ne veux jamais lâcher/ When I am with you I feel happier, I feel a warmth that I never want to let go
Leaving him in his astonishment, he entered the hotel. By the time James reacted, Reg had already left. From that moment on, a little game was born between the two: Reg would speak in French and James in Hindi.
…
Neither of them was sure how they got into this position—well, that was a lie, apparently, after they resolved that nothing had happened with Lily and that she was just a friend. They kissed until they lost count, the slow kisses becoming desperate. Reg kissed James's throat and earlobe, nibbling lightly. James sat up, his eyes taking in his body, his curves, how he lay before him, looking more beautiful than any living being with the right to do so. "I-I-" He stumbled over his words, trying to focus, "Shit. Shit. I don't have any condoms."
"You're clean"
"-Yeah"
“Me too, James, I need you right now.”
Any doubts were thrown out the window. Look, James may be many things, but he's a weak man. Weak because of Regina Black.
They started slowly, then found their rhythm. Their bodies pressed perfectly together like two halves of a whole, even as Reg's nails traced his back, scratching to bring them even closer, speeding up a little.
“-Aaaah!, Aaaah!,
They share a soft final kiss.
James found something to clean them with, then wrapped them in a clean blanket, wrapping Reg in his arm, pressing them chest to chest.
…
Everything was perfect until it wasn't; they say the higher you're climbed, the harder the fall. A few weeks had passed since she joined the trip, two weeks since she started dating James, and a week since they told Sirius and the others.
A few days later, everything goes to hell. As he's packing his things to go home, James and Sirius burst in, cornering Regulus. "What is this?"
“-que-” takes the diary from James's hand; it is a British diary, in it one could read:
Breaking news: The most anticipated wedding between Regina Annabella Black and Alexander Prince.
I couldn't understand what was happening. "What is this, Regina? Am I just a game for your amusement, or do you expect me to be your lover when I get back?" Anger covered all of James's features. "No, Jaime, it's not like that, it's-"
“Don’t tell me, Jaime, did you ever think you were going to tell me you were getting married?”
“I… James, I thought I had more time.”
“That’s a no.” He stormed out of the room, slamming the door . “James, wait!” But before he could reach him, Sirius stopped him. “ Leave him alone.”
“Sirius, please.”
“I didn’t think I could trust you. I let you get close to my brother and you broke his heart.”
“I’m your brother Sirius, it’s not what it seems. When Mom told me I was getting married I panicked so I ran away. I didn’t plan on falling in love with James again. I thought I had time to tell James but Mom’s chain is very long.”
“You’re always like their little bitch,” he said, more tired than angry. Without another word, he left. Regulus didn’t know what to do next. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. He planned to come out of the closet; later he would tell them why he ran away from his mother. Before he could go out to look for them, something pierced his neck like a needle. Everything blurred until it turned black.
Looking back, she wishes things were different. She doesn't remember much after Sirius left, only darkness, until she leaves too.
The engagement took place on the Prince family's boat. The day was cloudy, and as she walked down the aisle, the sky began to cry.
"We are gathered here to celebrate the union between Regina of the House of Black and Alexander of the House of Prince. And there is no one to speak now or forever hold their peace."
The silence was deafening, - "well then…" a clap of thunder interrupted the bishop, - "I'll take my place"
Reg shouted over the noise, and ran.
The shouts echoed from the guests, as well as from the storm. Perhaps the sky wept, for it knew that today its daughter, its star, was dying.
"Stop right there, Regina, you will return to the ceremony right now." Wabulga approached, his face dismayed.
"No, Mother," she said, "you always told me that Moreira was a mistake that should disappear." She continued backing away until her back hit the railing. "Today your daughter dies, Mother. Today I will finally be free." Tears began to flow from her beautiful eyes.
Please forgive me.
James
Sirius
The death of Regina Anabella Black has been confirmed, following an exhaustive search at sea.
Ring, ring!
Ring, ring!
-"Well?"
- "Jaime"
"He's currently at the wedding with Lily. Who's speaking?"
"..."
What is loneliness? Is it being alone?
He is not alone anymore, but because he feels as if he is rotting from the depths of his soul. Because he feels trapped.
She never understood how a mother could hate her son
Perhaps now I can learn that love and hate are not so far apart.
Perhaps he will understand that what he feels is not hate, just loneliness.
Then he looked in the mirror and realized, no matter how much he wanted to avoid facing reality, it would still be there and when he crashed into it it would hurt, so he avoided it as much as he could, a person in their right mind would seek help, he is a black so he would do it his way.
….
Years later
-Go
Confused, James opened the door. They weren't expecting any guests today; after all, it was Harry's eleventh birthday, and it had been decided that it would be a family affair since in a few months he would be starting at Hogwarts, the most prestigious boarding school in Great Britain and Scotland. Standing in the doorway was a girl of about eleven or twelve, with wavy, jet-black hair that fell below her jawline, caramel-brown eyes, and a tan that wasn't as deep as his, but a bit more subtle. She wore jeans and a jacket very similar to the one Sirius had worn years ago.
-Yes? How can I help you?
- You're James Potter
"Yes, and who are you?" The girl smiled and walked past, murmuring, "Finally, I thought I'd have to keep knocking on doors."
Inside, he could hear Sirius and Harry laughing, while Remus seemed to be telling him to stop, "I'm hungry, when are we going to eat the cake?"
The world froze, not literally but it very well could have, the girl looked at the place with curiosity, as if she were looking for something or someone, the others soon noticed her presence.
"Who...?" Lily began, but was interrupted by the intruder's scream, who stood in front of a very confused Harry.
The girl looked at him, extending her hand. "Hello! You must be Harry."
-"Yes, and you, are you?"
- Adhara, your sister, I am also James Potter's daughter, nice to meet you.
I'm not sure what I did; from the beginning I wanted a single chapter, now I'm not sure, I left a lot out.
- James and Lily kissed at her request, as she had to find something out, while at the same time showing James that he did not love her.
- During the Marauders' journey, Lily started dating Mary, but they had a big fight and broke up.
- James and Lily had a one-night stand, but after finding out about Harry they tried to date, it didn't work out
- After finishing, Mary goes to the USA
- The wedding was Petunia's; James was just an escort.
- Regulus moved to France and then to the United States where many years later he met Mary
- It was through Mary that Adhara was able to locate James
- Mary and Lily broke up over something delicate.
- Harry and Adhara are going to Hogwarts together.
- Peter has a lot to do with the misunderstandings
- Peter has a deep hatred for Regulus, mostly due to insecurity.
These are some points that I missed.