Chapter Text
Being miserable, horny, and absolutely pissed definitely didn’t lead to the sanest decision by him or Shane, but he wouldn’t complain about the sex. Not at all, in fact.
Nicky couldn’t say for sure how it first started. A bit of a joke, maybe, but then when Shane arched his back and leaned into Nicky’s touches instead of swatting his hand away, it suddenly seemed a whole lot less funny.
It was all clumsy, drunken sex where Shane had come with his jeans still hanging by the crook of his knees, strained whines swallowed up by Nicky’s lips. Never in a million years had Nicky expected to think about his bandmate this way, but somehow feeling Shane’s cock hard against his palm was hot in a way that made him come just fast enough to feel a little embarrassed. Not that either of them really minded. Not when they looked at each other and started laughing breathlessly, Nicky’s hand still sticky with their cum.
He woke up the next morning spooning Shane in his hotel bed. He thought it was funny—a few years back when something similar happened, he bolted immediately from the bed, confused and mortified by the whole situation. Now, instead, he only felt a weird sense of satisfaction leaning close against Shane’s back. Perhaps it’s that feeling of having someone in his arms again when he woke up. He had missed that.
They didn’t talk about it at all for a few days. Not until Shane came knocking on his door with a bottle in hand, visibly drunk.
As soon as Nicky had let him in, Shane pushed him against the door and leaned up against him, lips merely an inch away from Nicky’s own, hesitating; Nicky arched an eyebrow as vodka-smelling breath brushed against his face.
He would be lying if he said he was surprised. Nicky had an inkling of what Shane wanted the moment he walked through the door, and he knew he wanted the same thing. So he didn’t hesitate when he closed the distance and finally had a taste of that vodka from Shane’s lips. Shane kissed back wantonly, opening up like he had been waiting for this moment, unshaven stubble chafing against Nicky’s cheeks.
Nicky reached down to unfasten Shane’s belt, knuckles grazing his clothed erection. Shane broke the kiss to look down at Nicky’s hands before looking up again, eyes uncertain.
“This is just a bit of fun, right? Just until either of us finds someone else again. To date, I mean,” he spoke, for the first time since walking into Nicky’s room.
Nicky paused and gave the brunette a quick onceover, only now slowly realizing that Shane might not have been as drunk as he had initially thought.
“Just two lads helping each other out, yeah?” he affirmed eventually with a nod, stripping off Shane’s trousers and pants all in one go.
“Jesus, Nicky,” Shane gasped as Nicky took a firm hold of his exposed cock. Nicky couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s reaction, mouth closing in on those lips again.
So, yeah. Nicky reckoned that constituted as “talking about it.”
They were fuck buddies. It wasn’t that complicated.
When Nicky announced that he was going to double up with Shane instead of getting his own room in Sweden, Kian gave him a funny look. Shane didn’t have time to panic before Nicky quickly spinned up some irrelevant excuse.
“I mean we get along fine, and it saves us the money right? What have you got to complain about anyway?”
Kian didn’t.
Shane, though, later complained in the privacy of their room that Nicky should have talked to him before springing it on everyone like that.
Nicky shrugged and said that this was easier than sneaking into and out of Shane’s room every other night. Shane had to agree, albeit reluctantly, and Nicky was just glad that Shane could see reason.
In fairness, they kept the whole thing from everyone pretty well. It helped that they were already best friends, so nobody suspected a thing. Except with the look that Mark was giving Nicky from time to time, Nicky reckoned that he suspected something was going on between them.
They didn’t do it all the time, but Nicky was starting to learn from Shane’s glances to know when he would want it. The sex was almost always a bit rough. On purpose, probably, as if that would separate what they did from making love.
Nicky didn’t mind. Actually he quite enjoyed it, intense and demanding in a way he hadn’t been with anyone else before. But he knew Shane could take it, fighting back the way he always did when they tried to spar.
He liked it when Shane held him down and fucked into him, thrusts long and scrumptiously hard. And that one time when Shane locked their fingers together just as he came, Nicky found an aching emptiness and a longing that didn’t go away, unfurling themselves deep into his stomach.
They would fall right asleep together afterwards, but occasionally Nicky would come back from the bathroom finding Shane already knocked out completely, sheets pooling at his navel.
And instead of climbing into his own bed, he fell back into Shane’s, pretending that he hadn’t needed to get up. Nicky wasn’t sure why he had felt uneasy at all about doing this. He supposed he would find it a bit weird if his fuck buddy always slept on the same bed and woke up with him the next day, but Shane had never once brought it up. He probably didn’t even register that as anything unusual at all.
Shane’s face was peaceful when he slept, quiet in a way he nearly never was when he’s awake, always lively and quick to laugh at whatever joke Nicky had told, even when it was admittedly not that funny.
Nicky found himself captivated by that laugh sometimes, finding every chance to fish it out of Shane. And when he did succeed, making Shane double over in laughter or giggles, it made him feel inexplicably pleased with himself.
One morning he woke up in bed being spooned by Shane. He desperately needed to empty his bladder but found himself not wanting to move at all. And it wasn’t even the first time he felt this way, that waking up next to Shane had become his favorite part of this charade instead of the actual sex the night before.
And so what if he fell in love with his best friend he happened to be fucking? He suspected he already did, just a little bit, when Shane went up to the front desk that first day and asked for their room to be on the lowest level possible so that Nicky could avoid taking the lift.
He didn’t tell Shane, of course. Didn’t know how, not when he wasn’t sure if Shane felt the same. But it was only a matter of time before he slipped, because Nicky started to crave that affection Shane gave out so readily only when they were not in bed.
When he had a chance, he took it deliberately slow, slower than it had ever been, until it was nothing like the quick and heady sex they always seemed to have.
Facing Shane, Nicky had sunk into him so easily, inevitably, like falling into gravity. The brunette tightened deliciously around Nicky’s cock, and Nicky gasped into Shane’s open lips before kissing him fervently.
“Fuck, Shay,” he murmured in between the kisses, “you’re so bloody beautiful.”
Shane looked up at him, hazel eyes doused with desire and something else completely unreadable. Sweat beads dripped down from Nicky’s cheek and onto Shane’s neck. Nicky leaned down to trace them with his tongue, one hand working Shane’s hard-on trapped between their bodies.
He rocked into Shane’s body again and again until he came, moaning into Shane’s ear.
“I love you, Shane,” he said, voice barely a whisper, and felt Shane suddenly go stiff under him, cum spilling out of his rigid cock too, painting onto their heaving chests and stomachs.
Nicky remembered what he just confessed to moments later, when an unusual silence shrouded over them. There wasn’t Shane chuckling softly and affectionately touching his thigh or breathing into his ear, telling him how good that had felt.
He licked his lips and looked over at his friend who determinedly stared up at the ceiling. It wasn’t like he hadn’t said those words to Shane before. In fact they probably said it to each other all the time, some variation of “Love ya, mate” and “Love you too, Nicky”, nothing more than a friendly or a cheeky statement.
But he couldn’t pass this time off as one of those, could he? Not when the whole thing felt suspiciously like making love than anything else.
Nicky took one last look at Shane, not knowing what to say, and got up to grab a towel. He quickly wiped himself clean before passing it to Shane, face carefully blank. Shane mumbled a “thanks” and started to clean himself off too.
Nicky almost thought Shane wasn’t going to bring it up until the brunette asked: “Did you mean what you said?”
“What?” Nicky feigned confusion.
“That you love me,” Shane reminded him pointedly.
Nicky’s heart sank from its usual place into his stomach, where he first felt that aching emptiness. There was no point denying it now, he reckoned -- he had been quiet just a moment too long for any excuse to be believable.
“So what if I did?” he asked instead, keeping his voice completely neutral.
Shane sat up on the bed, looking up at Nicky with a frown on his face. “Then I think you’re taking this as something it isn’t.”
“And what would that be?” Nicky narrowed his eyes.
Shane sighed, pulling on a shirt that was haphazardly thrown under the bed earlier. “This is just a temporary thing and you know it,” he said slowly in a tone like he was explaining something obvious, “We can’t be in a relationship, Nicky.”
Suddenly feeling a little too naked for the conversation they were having, Nicky decided to tug on his jeans.
“Okay, not that I’m asking to be in one, but just for the sake of the discussion…why the hell can’t we?”
“Because we are in a band together, and if we break up or something, it could affect the band, right?” Shane started, voice exasperated. “And…”
Hearing the hesitation, Nicky turned to face Shane, eyes staring at him with a burning focus.
“And I don’t feel that way about you. I’m sorry,” Shane said quietly, “I’m not…I’m not gay.”
Nicky raised his eyebrows at that and barked out a mirthless laugh. “Are you seriously saying that to me when you have come—god knows how many times now—from my cock fucking your arse?”
A ruddiness quickly coloured Shane’s cheeks. “I don’t mean I’m not attracted to you, but I just don’t think I can be with you that way,” he said and gestured vaguely with one hand, still avoiding Nicky’s eyes, “Sex is…just sex, you know?”
Nicky stilled for a second, heart freezing over, and he knew exactly what Shane meant. Sure, he was just not into Nicky like that. It’s fine. Didn’t care to entertain the possibility of liking another man like that. Totally fine.
He snorted. In a way, Nicky did find the situation a bit funny. Ridiculous even.
“You know, it’s one thing to not be into me and that’s okay. I can live with it. But it’s another to tell yourself something that you don’t even believe. ”
“You reckon I’m lying, do you?” Shane frowned, eyes snapping up to Nicky. He definitely sounded ticked off now.
Nicky had never shied away from Shane’s anger, whether founded or not. He stalked over to Shane and leaned down to grip his collar. “Say it to my face then,” Nicky demanded in a low growl, “Tell me you don’t want me like that at all.”
Shane swallowed, hazel eyes staring up at him wordlessly. They were far too close.
“I’m sorry, Nicky.” He breathed out weakly.
The simple words rang in Nicky’s ears, and he never hated hearing them so much. He looked into Shane’s eyes for another moment and then nodded once, letting go of Shane.
That’s that, then.
Nicky picked up his own shirt next to Shane and walked over to the door.
“We probably should have stopped doing this thing a while ago anyway,” Nicky said as nonchalantly as he could manage, one hand already on the door handle, “Don’t want us to think I’m just gonna be pathetically begging you to love me now, do we?”
“Where are you going?” Shane sounded a little wary.
Nicky paused for a second, realizing that he didn’t know the answer either. But that hardly mattered. He wanted to be anywhere but here.
“Don’t wait up,” Nicky said at last without looking back.
He swung open the door and then slipped into the empty hotel corridor.
+
Nicky wasn’t sure where he was going at first, but only moments later he found himself climbing up a few flights of stairs and ended up in front of Mark’s door, his skin still prickling from the conversation earlier.
In retrospect, he could have gone down and gotten himself a separate room to sleep in. He just didn’t want to.
It wasn’t until after Nicky knocked had he felt an uneasiness for intruding. He didn’t know what time it was, but it was definitely later than it was polite to be knocking on his bandmate’s door.
Nicky was about to turn to leave when the door opened up a slit, revealing a slightly disheveled and groggy looking Mark.
“Nicky?”
“Uh, sorry,” Nicky apologized, a little embarrassed, “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“No, it’s fine. I wasn’t sleeping yet,” Mark said and barely stopped himself from yawning, “You wanna come in?”
Nicky hesitated for a beat before nodding.
“What’s going on?” Mark asked as he let Nicky through the door. The TV was still on with a low volume, so Nicky reckoned Mark was telling the truth when he said he wasn’t sleeping yet. “Are you cold?”
Mark reached out to put a hand on Nicky’s shoulder, and only then did Nicky realize he was trembling. The hotel corridor was indeed quite cold, he supposed.
“No, I’m fine,” Nicky said as he eyed the room. There were two beds just like the room he shared with Shane; a bunch of shirts and sheets of paper littered one of them. “Is it ok if I stay here tonight?”
Mark looked confused for a second, and then the expression was quickly replaced by genuine concern. “Uh, yeah, of course,” he answered, starting to put away a few things on the unoccupied bed so that Nicky could sit down.
“Thanks, Mark.”
“Not a problem, man,” Mark said and sat down on his own bed, facing Nicky, “What happened, Nico? You alright?”
Nicky hesitated again and found it hard to look into Mark’s eyes. He and Shane had kept their secret for so long, and he wasn’t sure this was the right time to break it to Mark. Nicky did feel like he owed Mark an explanation, although he knew Mark wouldn’t press if he didn’t want to talk.
“Did…did you and Shane break up?” Mark asked carefully.
“What…no! Why would you even think that?”
Mark shrugged. “Just the way you are with each other all the time. C’mon, rooming together when you don't need to? Plus I saw the lube you bought at the store the other day.”
Uh-oh. Nicky blinked up at Mark and was absolutely mortified. He thought he was being pretty discreet with that. “Jesus. Does Kian know too?”
Mark let out a small laugh. “Good old Kian hasn’t gotten a clue and I’m not about to tell him either. So you two aren’t…dating?”
Nicky winced. Well, it’s definitely too late to try to keep it from Mark now.
“Nope, far from it, in fact,” he answered disheartenedly, “I mean we were…sleeping together I guess, but that’s over now too.”
Mark nodded. “What happened? Is he seeing someone else now?”
Nicky shook his head and swallowed thickly, the back of his throat a little scratchy.
“Well, I accidentally told him I’m in love with him and he doesn’t love me back, so things got a little awkward as you could imagine,” Nicky blurted out, deciding that the truth might be better than a clumsily put together excuse.
Mark’s face went through a series of expressial gymnastics in quick succession and finally settled on a sympathetic grimace. He stood up and opened the minibar, inspecting the content inside.
“Beer?” Mark offered, holding out the bottle to Nicky. Nicky nodded grimly and relieved Mark of the bottle.
Mark grabbed one for himself too and took a long swig. Nicky followed suit.
“Okay…so how did all that come about? Uh, only if you want to talk about it, I suppose,” Mark said with an uncertain voice.
Nicky sighed and started telling Mark about his arrangement with Shane that started a while back. Mark didn’t seem to be surprised by this part at all. Then Nicky proceeded to tell him about tonight, and Mark winced when he got to the part where Shane said he wasn’t into Nicky like that and he wasn’t gay.
“He said that?” Mark asked a bit incredulously, like he thought the conversation was completely mental.
“Yep, and then I asked him if he was seriously saying he wasn’t gay after me fucking him oh-so many times,” Nicky deadpanned.
Mark looked like he was about to complain about hearing too much information but ended up laughing instead. “I’m sorry, Nico,” he said, still giggling a little, “but that was a pretty good one.”
Nicky couldn’t help but smile too.
“He really needs to get his head out of his arse,” Mark commented.
Nicky shook his head. “I don’t know, Mark. That might just be too gay for him.”
They both burst into laughter again.
“Do you regret telling him?” Mark asked, when they both had quieted down again.
Nicky chewed on it for a few seconds. “Not really. This is gonna sound stupid now, but I guess somewhere in my heart I had hoped that maybe…maybe he loved me too. But it was probably all wishful thinking wasn’t it?”
Saying those thoughts out loud had hurt more than he expected to. Sure, he was more mad at first than anything else, feeling like Shane wasn’t being honest with himself or Nicky. But after that anger had dissipated a little, a visceral pain was still left in his chest. What if that’s just how Shane really felt? That the whole thing was just a bit of no strings attached fun to him?
Mark frowned. He moved his lips but failed to say anything at first, like he was still trying to find the right words to form. “I don’t know, Nico. I wish I could say for sure one way or another, but in any case, I don’t think it was stupid for you to feel that way at all.”
“Thanks for that, Mark.” Nicky smiled gratefully.
“What are you gonna do now? With Shane?”
Nicky shrugged. “Nothing, I s‘pose. Being in love is really just a phase right? I’m sure it’ll pass,” he lied and tried smiling again, but knew instantly that Mark saw right through him. He usually did.
Instead of calling his bluff, Mark only nodded understandingly. “Yeah, I suppose you should take some time for yourself to sort it out, you know? I’m here to listen if you want to talk about anything though.”
Nicky nodded quietly and then suggested that they get some sleep before the sun was up, seeing that Mark could barely keep his eyes open.
Mark obliged his suggestion and bid him good night a moment later. Nicky slipped under the covers and turned off the bedside lamp, staring up at the suddenly darkened, unfamiliar ceiling.
+
To say Nicky didn’t get a lot of sleep that night would be an understatement. But when he showed up at breakfast and saw the dark circles under Shane’s eyes, he felt a little perversely pleased that at least he wasn’t the only one unable to sleep.
They didn’t talk during breakfast (lunch, really), or even after they arrived at the recording studio. Nicky avoided touching or even looking at Shane, and long before the day was over Kian was already glancing between the two of them with a question in his eyes which no one answered.
This went on for the next few days. It wasn’t that he and Shane didn’t talk completely, but the “conversations” only contained clipped phrases, overly polite questions, and perfunctory responses, none of the fun and banter that used to fill their interactions.
Mark became the person Nicky talked the most to. He was thankful that Mark didn’t force him to speak to Shane, only saying that he should take things at his own pace when Nicky once asked if it bothered him. Kian, though, was a completely different story, questioning them loudly what was going on every time they were all in a room together. When he had gotten no satisfactory answers, he moved on to whispering to Mark, asking if they had a serious falling out or something, and Mark had only shrugged.
After that, Kian had changed his tactics and casually brought up at breakfast one day that maybe Nicky could finally get his own room if he’s had enough sharing one with Shane.
Nicky didn’t say anything at first and neither did anyone else. He paused from forking up the eggs in his plate and looked over at Mark, who looked right back at him and said: “Uh, Nicky can keep staying with me if he wants.”
Shane whipped his head around to look at Mark for a moment and then at Nicky, his face completely stunned.
Nicky kept his expression neutral and didn’t look back at Shane; instead, he nodded at Mark and gave him a small smile. Kian watched the whole exchange, still entirely baffled but short of things to say.
Nicky knew Mark was an intensely private person and didn’t want to keep intruding. But Mark was also a really good friend. He had a sensibility that Nicky was probably never going to get from the other lads, and yet he didn’t watch Nicky with heavy, concerned eyes; Mark trusted him to take care of himself and knew he didn’t need coddling.
Nicky appreciated that more than anything.
Over a day later, they were at the studio recording another song on the album. Kian was about to step into the recording booth when it happened. At the time Nicky was going through the printed lyrics in his hand, and then the next second, he felt Shane absentmindedly put his hand on Nicky’s shoulder the way he always did.
Nicky reacted instinctively and flinched away from the touch, staring up into a surprised-looking Shane. The brunette hurriedly took back his hand like his fingers had been burnt and looked away, his face suddenly bright red.
Claiming that he was going to get some water, Nicky stood to leave the room. He walked into the tea room next door, which had thankfully been empty, and sat down in the corner.
He hadn’t meant to do it. Not on purpose. But he couldn’t help but be reactive to Shane’s presence, because Nicky had been doing everything to push his feelings down. Because he couldn’t stand being touched by Shane so casually, like nothing ever happened between them, like he never wanted it to mean more than what it was.
Being in love with someone had never been a thing that could be turned off as easily as a water tap for Nicky Byrne. He had learned that about himself a long time ago.
Nicky sighed as indistinct exchanges from the room he just left carried over, and some footsteps followed not a few seconds later.
It was Mark, who just walked over and was now standing awkwardly at the doorway.
“Hey, I thought I’d get some water too. Maybe even tea.” Mark smiled at him, and Nicky nodded curtly in acknowledgement.
Mark busied himself with a cup for a moment and asked if Nicky wanted any. Nicky shook his head.
With his cup in hand, Mark blew on the liquid to cool it before taking a careful sip. Nicky watched Mark set the cup back down and turn to look at him.
“Do you want a hug?” Mark asked tentatively.
Nicky looked down at his own shoes for a long second and then nodded once, not trusting his voice enough to speak. He stood on his feet and finally gave in, forehead leaning dejectedly against Mark’s shoulder while the younger man wrapped his arms around him, head dropping to press a comforting kiss on Nicky’s hair.
Nicky’s breath shuddered as he inhaled deeply; his arms came up to hug Mark back tightly, feeling that pain convulse in his chest.
“It’s gonna be ok, Nico,” Mark said softly against his ear.
When Nicky didn’t say anything back, Mark held him tighter and started to sway a little on his feet. Nicky moved with him involuntarily, almost stepping on his foot.
It was a bit of an awkward dance, clumsy and silly, but somehow it still made Nicky feel better.
They swayed like that for a moment with Mark humming some tunes, until Nicky started chuckling into Mark’s shoulder, prompting Mark to stroke his back gently.
A knock on the door startled the both of them, breaking the moment.
Nicky looked up from where he was, arms still loosely holding on to Mark, and saw none other than Shane standing there by the door for god knew how long. Neither Nicky nor Mark heard him walking over. His hazel eyes watched them intently with a darkened gaze; something unfamiliar and cold burned behind those eyes.
“Break time’s over, lads. Carl said he needs you both for this next part,” Shane announced flatly, already turning to leave without checking if they were following.
Mark and Nicky gave each other a look, and Nicky shrugged with one shoulder before following Shane out.
+
Nicky had definitely had a long few days with very little sleep. So he reckoned it wasn’t his fault when he had maybe just one too many after Kian suggested that they all go down to the hotel bar for a drink that night. Hell, he deserved it.
Kian was still talking about one of his surfing trips when Nicky started nodding off on Mark’s shoulder. The noises in the bar all seemed very distant, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his eyes open.
Nicky felt the small vibration as Mark chuckled against him.
“Hey Nico,” Mark said gently, nudging Nicky with his shoulder, “You should just go back to the room if you’re gonna fall asleep on me now.”
Honestly, it was kind of comfy staying put. Mark’s shoulder was just the right height for him to nod-off on, so instead of answering, Nicky only yawned and nuzzled further against him.
Nicky felt that same vibration again, and then Mark’s hand came up to hold his head still. “C’mon, Nico. I’ll take you back, yeah?” The hand ruffled Nicky’s hair a little.
Nicky frowned at his hair being messed with and finally raised his head, eyes bleary. Right across from him, Kian had long finished telling his story and was asking Shane if he wanted another drink. Shane looked completely distracted and didn’t seem to hear him at all.
Shane had been broody ever since their interaction at the recording studio this afternoon. Nicky hadn’t talked to Shane after, and Shane didn’t try either. Thankfully Kian seemed to have given up making them talk for the time being, because Nicky really didn’t know what they could possibly say to each other. ‘Please don’t touch me like that because I need space to get over you?’ Yeah, that would go down well.
“Alright, we’re off to bed, lads,” Mark said as he finished off the last of his drink and stood up. Kian mumbled a “see ya tomorrow” while Shane nodded at them half-heartedly.
Nicky tried not to whine when he allowed himself to be dragged up from his seat. Feeling a little off-balance, Nicky held onto Mark’s arm to steady himself.
Shane’s attention snapped to him and the hand he kept on Mark. His eyes met Nicky’s for a brief second, darkened in the shadows cast by the blue bar light. In a frenzy, drunken moment, Nicky wanted to reach out. Wanted to feel Shane’s hands on him. Wanted to kiss the improbable bitterness away from those eyes and see them light up again.
But he couldn’t, could he?
Shane had made that pretty clear. Nicky shouldn’t want him again.
The sobering pain echoed in his chest, making him nauseous and dizzy at the same time. He really thought he was fine. He was okay. But the longing he had bottled up for the past few days seemed to unravel him from within. Turned out that it was just waiting until he had had the right amount of alcohol in him.
Mark put a hand on his back to keep him standing straight. “Alright?” he asked quietly, leaning close to Nicky’s ear.
Nicky nodded and silently followed Mark, feeling eyes on his back until they walked out of the hotel bar.
When the morning came again, Nicky didn’t even remember passing out the night before, but he did wake up on a bed, somehow. He supposed he had Mark to thank for that.
He did remember, however, collapsing on top of Mark as soon as they got back to the room. Chest heaving, spasming, but no tear came out.
It was still somewhat early when he and Mark came down for food before going to the studio. Shane already sat at their usual table, but Kian still wasn’t there yet.
Good thing Nicky wasn’t feeling hungover much, but the bright morning light streaming from the windows made both him and Mark groan.
“God, I forgot my sunglasses again,” Mark complained, squinting against the sun.
“They might still be on the washroom counter. Think I saw them there last,” Nicky reminded him casually, recalling Mark pulling them out this morning.
Mark beamed at him. “Thanks Nico,” he said, hand reaching up to rub Nicky’s nape affectionately, “Dunno how I managed without ya. Be right back.”
Nicky smiled back before turning to face Shane, who had stayed quiet throughout the whole exchange and only looked up to watch Mark leave.
With Mark out of sight, it was a rare moment where it was just the two of them with no one else around. Nicky pulled out a chair and flopped down in his seat, pouring himself some water from the pitcher on the table.
Shane took a sip from his own glass and looked at Nicky tentatively.
“So,” he started, voice decidedly indifferent, “Are you and Mark…you know…?”
Nicky raised an eyebrow. He was a little surprised that Shane spoked to him, but he was even more surprised at what he was saying. Or not saying.
“Are we what?” Nicky asked, trying to guess at what Shane meant. Although he reckoned he had a pretty good idea already. “Fucking?”
“Yeah.”
Nicky’s gaze turned cold. “It’s none of your business, is it?”
And Shane had the gall to look irritated. “Just wanted to know if you’re going around shagging half of the band.”
A sudden, biting anger flared up in Nicky's chest as he registered Shane’s words. He went completely silent for a moment, putting down the cup that was lifted halfway to his mouth. Hand curled into a fist. Uncurled again.
“Are you calling me a slut?” He questioned, and Shane looked like he had been slapped in the face, red blooming on his cheeks. Before Shane could answer, Nicky added, almost growling: “Still don’t see how that would matter to you. Also, at least he’s not gonna say he’s not gay when we’re done.”
The chair moved back as Nicky stood up, furious, metal legs screeching the floor unpleasantly. He didn’t spare Shane another look before walking right out of there as fast as he could.
He couldn’t fucking believe Shane would say that to him. A part of him regretted walking out so fast instead of maybe actually punching the eejit in the face or strangle him.
Nicky wasn’t watching where he was going when he bumped straight into Kian, who was just coming out of the lift.
“Hey Nicky!” Kian stopped Nicky in his tracks, sounding alarmed. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Nicky grunted, knocking Kian’s hand away. He couldn’t even look into Kian’s eyes properly.
“Okay, so is there a reason you look like you’re about to murder someone?”
Well, he’s not wrong about that. Still fuming, Nicky pushed himself past Kian. “I’m gonna walk to the studio today,” he said instead.
“Wait…wait! Nicky!”
Nicky broke into a run.
+
The rest of the day was kind of a shit show, to say the least. First, he got lost twice on his off-the-cuff run to the recording studio, and without his phone, Nicky couldn’t even call anyone for help. Nicky thought he had the route memorized, but after ten minutes of circling the same block, he had to give in to the thought that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
Good news was, after spotting a rather familiar-looking McDonalds down the street, Nicky was finally able to get himself back on track. And the bad news? He was over twenty minutes late than he was supposed to be at the studio.
Kian was not happy about it, and he made zero attempt to hide that.
“I tried to call you! Five times! What the hell were you thinking, Nicky? Running out like that on your own?” Kian started shouting at him the moment after dragging Nicky into a deserted room. Nicky completely understood Kian’s outburst, and to be honest, he was just grateful that Kian didn’t do this in front of the producers.
“Yeah, I really shouldn’t have, sorry,” he apologized as sincerely as he could, carefully avoiding Kian’s glare, “I was just a little pissed off and wasn’t thinking straight.”
“A little pissed off? At Shane?” Kian asked again, frustrated, “What did he even say to you?”
“Why don’t you ask him?”
“You think I haven’t? He won’t say a damn thing!”
Nicky bit on his lower lip. This was neither the time or place to get into this conversation. Kian eyed him for a long moment, searching for an answer that didn’t come. Nicky didn’t know how his bandmate managed to look both bewildered and exasperated at the same time, but it was a funny look on Kian’s face, complete with upward-turning eyebrows.
Kian sighed, finally giving up. “I covered for you, told ‘em that you were not feeling well and running late and all that. Not sure if they believed me, but that doesn’t matter now,” he said, putting a hand on Nicky’s back, “Best go in and apologize though.”
Nicky nodded, knowing that he was about to do the same even without Kian asking.
When he and Kian walked into the recording room, Carl and his partners were already in the middle of recording.
Mark wasn’t in the room; Shane was behind the glass, singing his verse for a song they were doing for the album’s European release. The muffled voice coming through was still as perfect as ever, and Nicky found himself glaring at Shane.
As if sensing Nicky’s presence, Shane’s eyes flickered to him, meeting Nicky’s gaze.
And all of a sudden, the brunette seemed to have completely lost his concentration, stammering and then forgetting his next line altogether. Nicky watched as Shane went all pink in the face and apologized through the mic. Unbothered by Shane’s performance, Carl only waved his hand and asked him to just go from the last line again.
“Alright, that’s it . You two are feckin’ unbelievable.” Nicky heard Kian grumble fiercely next to him. The producers had the headphones on again and didn’t hear him. “Band meeting, my room tonight. No one is skipping out.”
Nicky knew better than to protest.
He wasn’t looking forward to the meeting, but the recording session was also getting impossibly long. Shane actually kept getting distracted so much that they had to try to record Mark’s part first. Mark was slightly annoyed that it was still early in the afternoon, and his voice wasn’t fully warmed up yet.
Small hiccups like that kept happening so much, and it was almost midnight when they had finally gotten back to the hotel, everyone completely drained from the sluggish session. They did end up making some progress, but not nearly enough to change everyone’s mood for the better.
Looking at Kian’s exhausted face, Nicky thought that maybe they had gotten away with the band meeting. However, the fantasy was immediately broken when the three of them were all ushered into Kian’s room by the grumpy blonde.
It was time for Kian to give them a piece of their mind. While Nicky was already expecting this, it didn’t make the whole thing less unpleasant.
“Now, you two are acting like school children about this whole thing that nobody cares to tell me about…okay, no, you’re worse,” Kian snapped at them, hands waving wildly to exaggerate his point, “You are like a divorced couple who refuse to even look at each other!”
Nicky raised his eyebrows at that. Alright, that wasn’t…completely off the mark, so to speak. Next to him, Shane looked at Kian sheepishly, hand fidgeting with the zipper on his jacket.
Mark put a hand on Kian’s shoulder, trying to calm him down, but Kian shrugged it off. “If you don’t want to tell me what the hell is going on, that’s fine! I don’t even care!” Kian yelled again, pointing at both Shane and Nicky, “I just need you both to grow up and sort this feckin’ mess out. And neither of you leaves this room before you do!”
With that, Kian stormed out of the room, dragging Mark along with him. Nicky was sure he would have slammed the door if the hotel doors weren’t designed to be so unslammable.
Nicky let out a breath he was holding once the room quieted down. He sat down on Kian’s king sized bed with arms crossed, slumping against the headboard and looking anywhere but at Shane.
Knowing how stubborn Kian could be, Nicky reckoned they wouldn’t be getting out of this room if they didn’t figure something out. The run this morning might have cooled him down, but he wasn’t about to initiate the conversation with someone who was being a prick. If he had to sleep here tonight then so be it.
Shane looked around the room helplessly, putting his hands into his pockets and then immediately taking them out again.
“Uhm,” Shane started awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. The bed dipped slightly as he sat down hesitantly, just a few feet away from Nicky.
Shane cleared his throat and tried again. “I’ve been thinking about it all day, and…”
“Yep, I could tell,” Nicky cut in harshly and tried not to roll his eyes too hard, “Pretty distracted, weren’t you?”
Shane’s face fell. The jacket sagged from his shoulders. And despite all the angry yelling from Kian, Nicky knew very well that Shane was the hardest on himself for the fumbling at the studio today. He was too much of a perfectionist in everything.
“Yeah, that’s why it’s best to talk about this right? ‘Cause I can’t…I mean, I guess what I’m trying to…” Shane paused his uncharacteristic rambling momentarily, as if to gather his thoughts. “I’m…I’m really sorry about what I said earlier, about you and Mark. It was completely out of order.”
Nicky pursed his lips and shifted uncomfortably against the headboard, eyes finally looking at the brunette who looked equally uncomfortable if not more so. Honestly, he wasn’t really expecting such a straightforward apology; now he was out of any real reason to be mad at Shane at all. It wasn’t fair.
“And you were right,” Shane continued after taking a deep breath in slowly, like he was bracing himself for what he was about to say. “It’s none of my business what you do or…or who you do it with.”
There was a sort of resignation in Shane’s voice. Even though his words should have eased Nicky, they only made his chest contract like a deflating football. He couldn’t find his voice to say anything back, so he nodded to let Shane know that he was listening.
“And if doing that makes you happy…then I’m happy for you.” Shane sounded like he was squeezing out the words, one at a time. Forced, clumsy, but not insincere.
And just like that, Nicky felt the anger and bitterness being zapped out of him. He licked his lips, finally sitting up even though it was close to the last thing he wanted to do.
“Thanks,” he said simply, not sure what else he was supposed to say. After all, it was not every day that you got to hear someone you were in love with saying they’re happy to see you shagging someone else.
Shane’s eyes studied Nicky’s face, and his lips curled into a soft smile after a few moments.
Nicky looked down at his knees. “I’ve got something to tell you too,” he confessed, “Mark knows about us…or our past arrangement, that is.”
Shane looked uneasy. “How…how did he know?”
“Yeah, well, he saw me buying lube the other day, and with me rooming with you, he kinda put the two and two together.”
Shane widened his eyes at the news but then snorted, a little amused. “Told ya rooming together was definitely gonna give it away.”
“Just seemed like a good idea at the time.” Nicky smiled.
“We’re just lucky that no one else found out. What Kian said earlier…”
“That we’re like a divorced couple?”
“Yeah, that bit. Thought he might know something too.”
“I don’t reckon he knows anything.” And Kian wouldn’t be in any danger of finding out anymore. “He would have definitely come to us, don’t you think?”
Shane nodded in agreement and then looked away, eyes downcast. “He was right about something though,” he said somberly, “We can’t go on like this for the band. It won’t work if we look like we hate each other all the time.”
“I don’t hate you,” Nicky murmured in a small voice. Couldn’t if he tried.
Shane smiled up at him. It never reached his eyes.
“I don’t hate you either, if you’re wondering.” Shane paused and swallowed. He turned his body to face Nicky a moment, ears a little pink. “I…I really miss being your friend, Nicky.”
“You do?”
“Yeah,” Shane chuckled a little, “It’s honestly killing me.”
Nicky remembered all the times they’d argued and neither of them would talk to each other for days, but this…this was different.
Somewhere in his heart, Nicky had been scared of being alone in the same space with him again, because that anger had been the only acceptable emotion protecting him from feeling everything else. But now that it was no longer an excuse, heartache and a longing to match had pushed to the forefront of his mind.
He didn’t know what it would be like to be close to Shane again. Touching him and being touched. Laughing and drinking and singing together like nothing had happened. Like he wasn’t just kissing those lips a week ago. Like he didn’t still want to kiss them, every day.
But just for a few more days, right? And then it would be all over. Nicky would finally have enough time and distance to get over Shane. To find someone else to shag, perhaps, and then forget all about this.
He could do this. He could be friends with Shane again.
“I miss it too,” he heard himself admitting.
Shane held out his palm. “Friends?”
“Yeah. Friends.” Nicky reached out to slap Shane’s open palm and offered the brunette a smile. He hoped it didn’t look as forced as he felt.
“Great, now we can finally get out of here and go have a drink!” Shane smiled back too, jumping up from the bed to walk toward the door, steps unnecessarily brisk.
Nicky followed Shane out silently. Standing outside Kian’s door, he looked down at the hand that just touched Shane’s.
It kept tingling long after they had left the room.