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The acrid scent of smoke filled the air around them as Choso reacted faster than lightning, using his body and blood as a shield for his younger brother. The pain on his back was atrocious and he bit down a scream, instead focusing on the terrified face in front of him.
“Choso ?”
“What are you doing ??”
“You can’t do this ?!”
The crack in his voice was enough to bring him to tears. The heat quickly vaporized that thought.
“I’m sorry I was useless-”
His voice kept saying things but Choso’s mind was elsewhere, bits and pieces of his life flashing threw his eyes. That was okay, his body and blood connection, radiating with love for his younger siblings, would be more than enough to put Yuji’s mind at ease.
—--------------------
Yuki was loud. Choso liked the quiet.
Yuki was cheerful, always happy, always smiling, always full of life. Choso looked like he hadn’t slept in years, like he was a dead amongst the living with his white face, dark eyes, and cold skin.
Yuki had no shame, no limits, no rules, no restriction about the way she lived her life. Choso was reserved, afraid of people judging his younger brothers, a ghost in a life dedicated to nine other persons he cared about more than himself.
Yuki cheated death and treasured her life. Choso lived through others and would die for them in a heartbeat.
Yuki was an open book, all emotions and no desire to restrict them, she felt as easily as she breathed. Choso was withdrawn, blank face and surprised noises, discovering a new world with shining eyes and pinched lips.
Yuki held no feelings towards Kenjaku. Choso was burning with hate.
Yuki liked rough men. Choso had no idea what she meant. He cried when Yuji made him realize the meaning of that statement.
Yuki’s favorite color was bright red. If Choso had to pick one, it would be purple. He never thought about the implication that it was a mix of Yuki and Yuji’s favorite colors.
Yuki is dead now. She is still alive in Choso’s memory.
Her huge smile when she laughs, all toothy grin and head tilted back, loud enough to resonate on the empty corridors of Tengen’s chambers.
Her pink eyes lightning up at each new question he asked, endlessly happy to answer, never complaining.
Her disheveled hair against his chest, moving alongside his breath as she sleeps.
Her warm skin against his, hands holding each other when he discovered what love meant.
Her soft lips marking his skin as he whimpered and melted against her touch.
He remembers everything he can, too afraid to forget the littlest details, from the way her hips fitted in his hands, the weight of her thighs on his lap, how she trembled against his hands. He grasps onto the memories as hard as he can, too afraid to let go. He wants to worship her and adore her until the end.
He doesn’t know if it is love that he is feeling for her, but if it is, it’s very different from what he knows. He doesn’t want to talk to Yuji about those things but if he keeps thinking about it, he fears he’ll go insane.
His love for his brothers is pure and what he feels for Yuki is far from that. It’s lustful and dirty, it’s rough and hot, it’s groundbreaking and overwhelming.
He wonders if she felt that way about him too.
He likes to think so, deep in his heart.
He’ll ask her that after he apologized for dying so soon. He hopes she won’t be too mad at him.
—--------------------
“What does it mean to be human ?”
Yuji turned his head towards his brother, laying in the grass beside him. The evening was cold but they were training his blood manipulation by keeping his body warm so he barely felt it. “Hum ? What are you talking about ?”
“When Yuki…” Choso cut himself, emotions strangling his voice. A few days had passed since Yuki’s death but the mention of her name was still difficult for him to go through. His brother knew that and nodded, giving him the time to find his words again. He was eternally grateful that he had such a kind soul as a younger brother. “She told me that I had ‘died as a curse’ and to ‘live on as a human’. I do not know what any of that means.”
Yuji looked deep in his thoughts for a few minutes, trying to find the right words to comfort his older brother. Something about that thought made him feel funny.
“I think she was talking about the way you view your life” He carefully began, recalling the few memories he had of the powerful women and the way Todo had described her.
“The way I view my life ?” The dark-haired inquired, curious about what his brother meant.
“Yes, how you… always fight for your brothers without asking any questions, how you would do anything for your family.” Even thinking of yourself as expendable. “That is how you view your life but at the same time, you say you are a cursed spirit”
“And ? That is what I am. I do not see how I could die as one and live as the other. I am a cursed spirit” Now he felt lost, not understanding how the two concepts that made him could clash against each other.
“Well, you are somewhere in the middle between curses and humans, you know ? You’re not really either of those things, you have the advantages of both groups. I don’t know about Yuki’s views on the matter but to me, cursed spirits are not so different then some humans. Take Mahito for example, he just wanted to live his life and fulfill his selfish desires, no matter the consequences. Humans are selfish and he was born from humanity’s hatred so he was more human then let’s say Hanami for example. I think in your case, it’s more about the way you view yourself, do you think of yourself as a cursed spirit or as a human being ?” Itadori asked, half sure he had lost Choso right there, but to be fair, he was quite lost himself.
“I… I do not know” His brother looked at the sky, a genuinely puzzled look on his face. “I am a cursed spirit because Eso and Kechizu did not look human and thus, would have never been accepted by humanity. I am their brother, I refused to leave them on the side so I decided to share their burden but now… They are gone and you, a human, is my brother… Does that make me a human ?”
“I think you’re the only one who can answer that question, big brother” Choso smiled at the endearment, as he always did when Yuji used it. It felt like each time was just as important as the first one in his eyes. It made Yuji feel very warm inside, and not because of his blood manipulation technique. “... Do you know what a Phoenix is ?”
“No, I don’t, please enlighten me” The older quickly answered, always eager to listen to his younger brother’s ramblings, even if he didn’t necessarily understand them, it was important to Yuji and thus, to him.
“It is a type of bird - a mythical one - that rises from his own ashes after his death so he can start a new life in an eternal cycle of death and rebirth. I think what Yuki meant is that you have never been a cursed spirit, you only convinced yourself you were one and now, it’s time to move forward and accept yourself as a human being with an identity independent from your brothers” If this hadn’t been such a serious conversation, Yuji would have fistbumped the air to congratulate himself for finding such a good metaphor.
“You think I must leave you ?” Choso stood up, anguish piercing his voice. He couldn’t leave his baby brother, not after everything they went through together, not like that. He wouldn’t be able to handle it, without him… he would have nothing…
“No ! I think you deserve to be selfish and think of yourself ! You mean well and I know that, but you need to have your own identity in addition to being my older brother” He immediately relaxed upon hearing those words and Itadori jumped on the occasion to speak slower, making sure each one of his words were going through his brother’s thick skull. “You need to like things because you enjoy them, not because others do. You need to set up boundaries with people, and that includes saying no to me sometimes. No one will resent you for it, not here”
“... “ The realization of the futility of his own life hit him like a crashing wave. He was used to have a purpose, care for his brothers, kill humans, protect Tengen but… who was he beyond that ? Who was he when he was not protecting someone else ? Who was he when he was supposed to be just a simple human ? A cursed spirit had a purpose, to bring death and destruction, but a human being… what was it made for ? “And what do you think I must do to become human ?”
“I think you’re already doing most of the work. Humans are social beings, we like to take care of our own and love… It’s an emotion that cursed spirits lack. The very notion of family is foreign to them, they are simply born but you and your brothers, you identified yourselves as family. You were already human, you just let others define you because of your physical appearance” The pink-haired boy’s voice became softer as he sighed, grateful to have found himself another family in the Death Paintings. They weren’t a family in the traditional sense of the word but he was relieved he would have family around him the day he died. And he had no doubt that Choso would outlive him given his constitution.
Yuki hated to let people tell her what to do or how to behave… “Love and family… is it what being human means to you ?”
“I never really thought of it but I suppose yes. That and other things of course but… thinking too much hurts my brain” The young sorcerer chuckled, sparkles in his tired eyes.
“I would be a terrible big brother if I allowed you to hurt yourself” Choso teased, a small smile making its way to his face. It was a start and he was very proud of it.
“See ? You’re making jokes and teasing me ! That’s a very human thing to do !!”
The brothers’ laughter echoed through the field as they went back to admiring the stars watching over them, enjoying the quiet of the night.
Choso was the first one to break the silence. “Could we… could we do other human activities later ? So that I could decide what I like, you know, before…” it’s too late
“Of course ! I could teach you how to cook tomorrow if you want ! Oh, and then we could watch some movies and figure out what kind of stories you enjoy the most !!” Yuji reassured him, stars reflecting in his eyes. Choso got lost in them for a second, it was so rare to see his brother being so happy nowadays…
“I would love that” He softly whispered, love dripping from his voice.
Even if it was too late, he would try to live his life as best as he could and enjoy it. For his brothers and Yuki’s sake. Yuji smiled and snuggled closer, laying his head on his brother’s arm. He had always been rather jealous of the kids who had older siblings and he was glad he would be able to teach things to Choso while the latter would support him like an older sibling should.
They had a lot to learn from each other but he feared not enough time to do so. Time was burning out, each day bringing them closer to the 24th of december.
—--------------------
Gojo was enjoying the sunrise on the rooftop of the school, draped in a warm haori and baggy pants. His breath made puffs of mist in the cold december air around him but the temperature was the least of his problems. No, what concerned him more was the presence of the Death Painting Womb behind him. His six eyes had seen him coming from a mile away but he had hoped that he would be able to read the room and leave. Of course, the special grade had to be socially inept.
After Yuji had convinced him - and that was a miracle, truly - to let his so-called brother stay with them in the school grounds, Satoru had done everything in his power to avoid him and the few times he had failed to do so, their interactions had been… tense to say the least. He kept his eyes on him at all times and he was glad to see that someone managed to make Yuji smile again but that didn’t mean he trusted the curse at all. They were allies and that was all. He had been complicit in Shibuya and that meant that he was complicit in every consequence of the butterfly effect that followed. And if he was just projecting his own guilt about failing Megumi and Tsumiki, it was nobody’s business .
He was aware how unfair the situation was. Yuji would look at him with resentment from time to time but couldn’t really blame him either so he let it slide since Gojo wasn’t looking for a fight. Kenjaku had fucked up Choso big time thrice now and he knew the pain that came with having his heart ripped apart from his chest and he was trying to fit in in a new world. And now, he was standing ten meters behind him, clearly debating whether or not he should speak up. After a dramatic groan, Satoru opened the conversation.
“What is it ?”
“Can I… can I talk to you about something ?” The cursed spirit looked very nervous which was weird considering how obnoxious he could be sometimes.
“Why ? Can’t you talk to Itadori about it ?” Satoru wasn’t exactly in the mood to try and be nice with him so he just hoped his - very clearly - annoyed voice would be enough of a clue to get the other to leave him be.
“I don’t think he would understand and I don’t want to worry him more” Choso began, softly explaining his reasoning. He knew Gojo didn’t like him and had all the reasons to do so, but he was his brother’s teacher and that made him respect the sorcerer as an authority figure.
“Sure, knock yourself out I guess” He sighed, acting as if he was half paying attention.
“...” Taken aback by the unfamiliar expression, he looked puzzled but Gojo gestured to him to continue. “Yuki asked me to live my life as a human and my brother is helping me for that but… there are things he cannot teach me and since you’re his teacher, I thought…”
“Just spit it out, I don’t have time to deal with your existential nonsense”
“How can I die as a human ?” The question was blunt and the tone unrefined but the words sent shivers to Satoru’s spine. No one in their right mind would talk about their own death like this, especially to a man who could end their life without lifting a finger and who hated them. Then again, life-changing events had a tendency to pile up at the moment.
That did little to undermine his surprise. “What ?”
“If I live this life as a human, I want to die like one” Resolve was clear in his voice this time, all traces of uncertainty gone with the wind.
Gojo looked pensive for a while before speaking again. “There’s no such thing as a human death. Cursed spirits and humans are equals in that regard, we die and that’s all there is. People like Itadori are naive enough or perhaps too innocent to comprehend that and they want everyone to have a ‘proper’ death. As if death could ever be satisfying…”
“Did Yuji ever tell you what a proper death was like for him ?” Choso came closer, curiosity shining in his eyes, throwing caution in the wind as he did each time his brother was mentioned.
“He didn’t exactly but he did say how he wanted to die when he first enrolled at Jujutsu High to escape execution” Satoru smiled at the recollection of memories of softer times, gentler times. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that all of this happened half a year ago. “He said that he wanted to die surrounded by people who cared about him, like his grandfather had asked him to. Not exactly the kind of things that is realistic when you’re a sorcerer.”
“Why ?” The cursed spirit tilted his head on the side, just like a kitten would. Yuji was really spending a lot of time with him if he started to copy his mannerism.
“Because sorcerers die alone, that’s how it goes” The strongest had no trace of emotion on his face or in his voice but his eyes were lost in the horizon. Telling this small lie was as easy as breathing.
“Is it ? Really ? Because… Yuji was there for a lot of people” The dark-haired being played with a strand of his hair, seemingly confused.
“Do you want to die in front of him ?” Satoru let out, the words leaving his mouth faster than he could think.
“If it means he’ll live, I would” Choso’s answer came just as fast, voice cracking a bit but tone unwavering.
The white-haired man smiled softly, his eyes focusing on the man standing at his side with suffocating eye contact. “Then you have your answer. Curses are selfish being, if you are selfless enough to sacrifice your own life to protect those you love, you are more human than most people I’ve ever met”
“Do you truly think so ?” Big dark eyes looked at Gojo as if he had all the answers of the universe. He supposed it was technically true in a way.
“Yeah, I do.”
“...But I thought you hated me ?”
“It’s complicated. You were against us and then you changed sides. I have had… issues with that kind of behavior before so I just want to make sure Itadori won’t regret saving you” Satoru couldn’t help but fidget nervously, as he admitted his feelings to the man and himself.
“He’ll never have to worry about that, Kenjaku fooled me. I’ll kill him before he can hurt my brother again” Choso assured him, his eyes hard and his voice darker. An ugly anger was emanating from him and it reassured Gojo a bit.
“Yeah” He chuckled, acting confident again. “I know. I’m just being extra careful since Shibuya. I know it is unfair to you but, I can’t be kind to you when looking at your face brings me back there”
“I can’t pretend to understand what happened to you that day but I am sorry for what happened” The man took a step back and bowed respectfully as he apologized. “I’ll spend the rest of my life atoning for my sins if I have to, but I will make things right”
“Oh you’re Itadori’s brother no doubt about that…” Choso looked up at him, stars in his eyes and a faint blush on his cheeks. The acknowledgement from authority figures seemed to be something he was still adjusting to. “I’m glad he has you around, he needs that kind of unwavering support after what happened. I’m sorry I can’t offer that at the moment”
“We are all grieving for someone” Gojo sent daggers at him but he ignored them (or he didn’t notice, the strongest wasn’t sure). “That just means we still love them”
Gojo didn’t answer, eyes lost somewhere far away, in memories of his youth. Choso took the hint, bowed one last time, and left quietly. The strongest shed a single tear in front of the rising sun before leaving as well. Regrets would have to wait.
—--------------------
When he opened his eyes again, he was sitting at a familiar table. It was empty this time, and Yuji was holding it like his life depended on it. It was true in a way.
Choso smiled sadly at his brother, looking at his face for what he knew deep down was the last time. He wished they could have had more. He wished he knew what his favorite food was, he wished they had enough time to watch more movies, to try more things. He didn’t regret a second he spent with his brother, getting to know him more over time but there was so much they still had planned… He thought briefly of the overly long bucket list in Yuji’s room, full of activities they wanted to try, less than a quarter of the list checked out. He hoped this wouldn’t haunt his brother too much.
He had the time of his life during those few short weeks and he hoped he had made it clear enough. He wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything in the world.
He had lived and died the way he wanted after all.
He just wished his way wouldn’t cause so much grief and pain to his beloved baby brother.
—--------------------
“Thank you for being my little brother”
“Thank you, big brother”
Choso stared at the blood protecting his brother, still holding despite the terrible inferno of the flames. He smiled, proud of himself and closed his eyes, white pain engulfing his body. He hoped that his brother couldn’t feel it through the blood connection. In the middle of the storm, he had a moment of peace, as his nerves burnt away, taking the pain with them.
And then… then, there was nothing else to burn, only the shadow of a tear disappearing in the steam.