Chapter Text
His laughter stuck to your skin like a cold sweated fever that refused to pass. It edged its way towards your heart, breaking open your ribs and settling right underneath them. You gasped for air, the heat of the planet seeping into your already bare body with every passing second, and if you weren’t careful it might kill you. Choke you while you slept and continued to dream of the one person you couldn’t save—even if it wasn’t your job to do so.
“C’mon Bandit, that's the best you can do?”
You could see him, a smile on face as he danced around you—the assuredness in his stance and ease in his nature did nothing but make your heart twist violently. The both of you were so young. So innocent and naive; holding beliefs that the galaxy wasn’t as cruel as the Jedi Masters made it out to be. It was a hope that you held more than he did. A reminder in the back of your head that you hadn’t chosen to become this without knowing the consequences. After all, what was light without the darkness that crept around in the shadows, waiting for a chance to strike.
How oblivious were you to what was truly going on with him? How could you not see it? The turmoil behind those blue eyes of his, the pain that laced his voice with every word he spoke to you.
“Anakin,” you breathed, your hand clutching at the sheets that were tossed over your body.
“Well don’t just stand there padawan,” he called out as you were pulled once more into a dream you did your best to fight against.
Twisting your body away from the close swipe of his lightsaber, you felt the heat of the blade brush past your cheek. Master Obi-Wan had said you weren’t yet allowed to fight like this, but Anakin always did like to break the rules. Even if it meant getting hurt. Yanking your own lightsaber off the belt it hung loosely from, you pressed the switch—feeling and hearing the familiar thrum of it as it came to life.
“Last time I checked we’re both padawans Skywalker!” You dodged his move, nearly landing into the bushes that lined the edges of the training courtyard.
He shrugged. “Yeah, but in terms of training, I’m definitely ahead of you.”
Scoffing, you leapt forward, swinging the lightsaber towards his leg. He stepped out of the way, attempting to avoid being sliced open but your other leg got beneath his sturdy one, swiping it out from underneath him and causing him to topple to the ground. He fell with a groan of pain—his lightsaber landing a few feet away, now turned off. Anakin’s eyes went wide as you brought your green blade down until it was directly in front of his nose—nearly singing the hair off his face.
“You were saying?”
“What are you two doing?” Obi-Wan’s voice echoed off the walls, startling you from where you stood above Anakin. “I thought I told the both of you that training alone was off limits until you were ready.”
“Master—” Anakin began, his hand reaching out for something—eyes flashing up to see the panicked expression on your face.
“We were just—”
Obi-Wan raising his hand stopped you in your tracks, the all too familiar sigh leaving his lips as he walked towards you. Shifting your footing, you moved to give Anakin space to get up, but didn’t expect his lightsaber to fly through the air, nearly hitting you in the shoulder. He jumped up—a joyous cry of victory echoing around you as he swung his lightsaber towards you, the blue glow of his blade heading towards you.
Switching yours on with a swiftness neither of you knew you possessed, you managed to block his attack—the clashing of the two colors flashing before your eyes. Obi-Wan’s pleas for the both of you to cease whatever this was were suddenly drowned out as you glanced up—a smile on your face.
Expecting to see the friendly blue eyes you’d grown attached to, you felt a shock go through your system as you were met with a glowing yellow. The green of your blade was striking against the red of the lightsaber he held—his teeth bared in a snarl. Dropping your weapon, you stumbled back as he advanced, a cry of his name leaving your mouth. No longer were you friendly sparring with a boy you’d known as long as you’d been alive, but instead you now faced the man who had been twisted up inside—the man you couldn’t save.
“Anakin!” you shouted, hitting the cold ground beneath you.
Gasping sharply, you shot up in the makeshift bed you had on the rocky floor of what looked to be a cave. A ragged sob left you as you scrambled to gather the sheets around your body, tears streaming down your face while the memories of your dream played on repeat in your mind. Anakin’s face—the jagged scar running down his face, the sinister yellow eyes, the absolute fury in his expression—left you shaking. That was not the boy you had known, but a mere fragmented piece of him that still lived in your mind.
It took you a few minutes to remember where exactly you were and how you got there. But eventually you were able to recall landing on Tatooine, the call from Obi-Wan through the Force coming in loud and clear as you meditated on your ship. For years you’d been traveling from planet to planet. Hiding wherever you could and searching for any Jedi that might still be alive. You knew it was a small possibility, but you couldn’t ignore the tug in your gut at the idea.
So far you counted three. Obi-Wan, a boy from Bracca that recognized you when you hid on the planet, and Ahsoka Tano. The hunt for more put you in a state of constant weariness. With every Jedi you found dead, you continued to feel the break in your connection to the Force. The pain you suffered now brought you to the very edge of giving up entirely .
What use was being a Jedi if you had no one to protect but yourself?
You couldn’t even recall the image of your master’s face anymore, let alone remember what it felt like when peace lived within the galaxy. Now you were constantly looking over your shoulder. The fear of being found, always leaving you teetering on the edge of panic.
Exhaling out a stuttered breath, you heard your name called from the other side of the cave as Obi-Wan was roused from his own sleep. The twin suns were starting to rise in the distance—light breaking through the darkness within the rocks and you felt some sense of peace fill your lungs. For now you would push the nightmare aside and focus on the present. There was no use remaining in the past—in things you couldn’t change.
No matter how much you wished you could.
“Is everything alright?” Obi-Wan asked, his bare feet coming into your line of sight as he shuffled closer.
You nodded, the sweat sticking to the back of your neck. “Yeah I just…I had a nightmare.”
He sat beside you on the floor, offering you a small canteen filled with water, which you took gratefully. “About Anakin?”
Simply hearing his name brought the fire back into your chest, the pain that ran through your body returning with enough force to have you shrinking in on yourself. You only knew Anakin as a friend; had seen him one last time when he entered the Jedi Temple before you managed to escape and drag a few younglings with you. But Obi-Wan knew him like a brother. They were closer than you could have even imagined and while you sat there fighting back the pain—he’d already gone numb because of it.
There was speculation that he died on Mustafar. That Obi-Wan had delivered the final blow—put what once was his apprentice out of the agonizing misery he left him in. But you now knew otherwise. After all the whispers of sightings grew—claims that they’d seen the once heroic Anakin Skywalker destroying planets, killing innocent people—reached your ears. Until you had no choice but to let him in—find him through the one final connection you still had yet to cut off.
“I know where he is,” you muttered, staring at the light dusting of sunlight that covered the floor.
Obi-Wan turned quickly towards you. “What?” You nodded, tracing the cave’s entrance with your eyes. “Where?”
“Right where you left him,” you breathed. “I suppose Palpatine thought he was being funny by remaining on Mustafar.”
“He’s—” Obi-Wan let out a breath, looking down at his hands. You felt grief flicker through the Force—dark and muted. A stark contrast to his usual cerulean blue. “Did you see him?”
“That’s the awful part Obi-Wan,” you said, the tears streaming freely down your face. Or perhaps you hadn’t stopped crying in the first place. You could no longer tell. “He called to me…like you did, placing memories in my head of our past together. And—then I saw his face and his—his eyes are…” Trailing off you wiped roughly at your cheeks. “He’s no longer Anakin.”
“He called to you,” Obi-Wan murmured.
At first when the dreams started, you couldn’t tell if you were finally losing it or if your mind truly held a twisted sense of humor. Playing back every happy memory you shared with Anakin. Every daring adventure you both took together and more often than you would have liked, the kiss you shared in the middle of Tatooine—the night his mother died. It was a past you wished to forget and yet it was seemingly forced upon you night after night.
“Why?” You shut your eyes, once again seeing his yellow eyes flash in your mind. “What does he want with me?”
Obi-Wan stood, turning his back to give you a chance to dress yourself. “He may not even realize he’s calling out to you.”
Shoving your tunic back on, you tied it around your waist, your boots going on next. With the heat that spread around Tatooine you regretted showing up in the black clothing you wore, but they were all you owned. The black cloak you’d been wrapped in reminded you of the man you tried so hard to forget about. After all, it was his to begin with.
One freezing night on Ilum—a mission to get him a new kyber crystal after he destroyed his lightsaber—led to him handing over his cloak. In a foolish turn of events, you forgot yours on the ship and Anakin didn’t want to return back to Obi-Wan with you half frozen to death. You could recall the way he’d wrapped it around the both of you, his arms tight on your waist as you hid in the caverns of the planet. What you thought would be simply another mission, wound up being far more than you expected.
You realized the depth of your love for him in the perils of a planet that would end you without mercy. The irony wasn’t lost to you. Trapped in a place that felt like your fury of emotions—the danger of what you harbored like a fugitive.
Sure, you’d shared your fair share of emotions with him, kissing here and there, but nothing progressed further than that. His heart had always belonged to another. And you accepted it without question.
“He’s dreaming,” you whispered, picking up your lightsaber and clipping it to your belt.
“His mind may not yet be settled completely in the dark side of the Force. It would betray him in dreams.”
“But why me? Why not you?” They held a closer bond and Anakin would surely call for his former master before he called for the girl he once entertained the idea of feelings with.
“You represent a time in his life when he was happy.”
“So do you. So why does he—”
“I left him half alive on Mustafar. Padme is dead,” Obi-Wan stated monotonically as if he were reading it from a book. “His mind wouldn’t turn to memories of a woman he could no longer reach. If anything that would only push him further into the dark side.”
You sighed, the pain in your head now spreading down to your neck. “Unless he’s trying to figure out where his children are.”
“No, he doesn’t know they’re alive.”
Letting out a breath, you tried to focus on the small inkling of light that came through the Force. Your last attachment to it suddenly become your life line every night you fell asleep; the pain of reliving your past was so grueling it became torture in its own way. You felt the familiar press of Obi-Wan’s energy against the back of your mind as he gently asked for permission to see what you saw. To relive the memories with you.
“You won’t like what you find in there,” you muttered, slipping on the cloak that somehow still carried fragments of Anakin in the fabric.
“Perhaps not, but nonetheless Bandit.” Flinching at the nickname bestowed upon you by Anakin himself, you relented and allowed your walls to collapse to the ground beneath you.
None of it mattered anymore. Not the love you felt for him or the anguish you endured when he fell for someone else, because he wasn’t Anakin anymore. He merely wore the face of a man you thought you knew once upon a time—a memory that refused to die.
“Just remain still,” Obi-Wan said, watching as you returned back to where you were sitting, your legs crossed and eyes falling shut. “This won’t hurt.”
You both knew it was a lie, but you didn’t care much at that point. He’d already delved past your walls and was now digging through your memories, yanking up each one that Anakin had placed there. Inhaling sharply you dug your nails into your clothed thighs as he pulled up one that proved you and Anakin both went against the Jedi Code at least once in your life.
Once again his laughter filled your mind, splintering your heart in two.
“Tell me Bandit,” Anakin leapt over a rock in the middle of a river, his boots splashing water everywhere. “Why didn’t you want to come here?”
You sighed, picking up a stone and tossing it—watching with satisfaction as it floated in the air for a second. Courtesy of Anakin attempting to show off his powers.
You were sent to Kashyyyk as a part of the Jedi's diplomatic training for padawan, but halfway through Master Yoda told the both of you to stand guard near the camps. Which led to Anakin and you residing in the middle of a river, watching as birds flew overhead. The sounds of the forest around you breathed life into your lungs.
“I can’t help it if my master thinks I need diplomatic training,” you replied, emphasizing the word diplomatic with a roll of your eyes.
“Every Jedi needs it.” He tossed a pebble your way, watching you focus to float it in mid-air, copying him. “Or at least that’s what Obi-Wan tells me.”
“And what do you think?”
He shrugged. “I think that diplomatic training helps us make a difference in the galaxy. We’re meant to be peacemakers right?”
“I guess…” Shifting, you turned to see another bird fly overhead, making a shrill sound you’d never heard before. “But what’s the point of being a peacemaker when so many think of the Jedi as soldiers?”
“That’s where the training comes in handy,” he said, a grin spreading across his lips.
“Then tell me Skywalker, what makes you such an expert in the diplomatic areas of life?”
He tossed another pebble, laughing when it hit your shoulder. “Sometimes you have to make negotiations as a Jedi.” He jumped to shore, dropping another stone to the collection he’d been steadily building since you found the river.
“Ah yes but not all of them are peaceful,” you called out, following him and landing on another closer rock.”
“Obi-Wan likes to call them…aggressive negotiations.”
“Let me guess… That means negotiations—”
“With a lightsaber,” he finished for you—smiling.
You fell into laughter at that, throwing your head back as a lovely ache spread through your stomach. Only for it to quickly divert into a yelp at the feeling of your foot slipping on the rock. Losing your balance, you quickly tried to right yourself, but knew there wouldn’t be a way to fix it in time. So you gave into the fall. The pain would last for a moment, but Anakin’s hand grasping onto your wrist steadied your movements. He brought you back to a standing position. Where you promptly fell against his chest.
“Are you okay?” he asked, hands cupping your cheeks to tilt your head back.
Nodding, you felt your throat dry up once you realized exactly how close he stood to you. It wasn’t right to feel the sharp tug in your heart at the sight of his blue eyes which bored into yours—the color nearly putting the river itself to shame. You shouldn’t hold these feelings for a fellow padawan—you knew the rules inside and out, and yet…he still hadn’t let go of your face. His thumbs rubbed gently at your cheeks, a faint smile playing on his lips as he saw your own part slightly.
“What would you call this?” you inquired breathlessly, hands pressing against his chest and feeling his heartbeat beneath them.
Anakin breathed out a puff of laughter—the warmth of it washing across your cheek as he moved even closer. “A polite conclusion.”
Before you could smile, he dipped down, pressing his lips against yours and effectively ceasing your words. You’d always wondered if he would ever kiss you a second time after what happened on Tatooine. Neither of you spoke of it again after he pulled away and left you standing there, but you knew something had shifted between the both of you. Just like it did now. Sliding your hands up until your arms wrapped around his neck, you tried to keep yourself balanced as he once again tore the ground up from underneath you.
It was him pulling you closer that did you in. His lips were soft—you always knew they would be—and it took everything in you not to ask for more than just this. The warmth of his tongue pressing against your bottom lip jerked you out of your reverie, causing you to practically tear yourself away from him. His arms only tightened around your waist, lips more insistent as he coaxed you once more into a kiss that shouldn’t have happened.
You opened your mouth, melting into his hold as his tongue pressed against yours and felt the steady thrum of your heart speed up exponentially. Until you were sure it would burst out of your chest.
“Beautiful,” he murmured—pressing a kiss to your jaw.
“They could find us,” you said, fighting against the haze he put you in. “They could—”
“I don’t care.”
Three words shouldn’t have made you submit so easily, but there you were giving into his kiss yet again. Whimpering into his mouth and kissing him back with enough fervor to throw him off slightly, causing him to stumble back a bit. This shouldn’t happen. It wasn’t right. Jedi weren’t meant to form attachments. Especially not with other Jedi. The heat of his tongue against yours shoved the words right out of your mind, but still something continued to feel off.
It wasn’t…right.
This…didn’t—it didn’t feel…right.
“ Enough !” you exclaimed, shoving Obi-Wan out of your mind as you clutched your head, the tears now falling down your face in waves. Heaving in a ragged breath, you tried to piece the walls that enclosed your mind back together, but found you couldn’t.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Just don’t,” you snapped. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
You knew it wasn’t right to turn your anger on Obi-Wan, but there was so much of it that you couldn’t stop it even if you tried. At this point you weren’t sure if the anger truly belonged to you or if it was Anakin’s pouring into you from the Force. Still you struggled to maintain it, breathing deeply as you fought to get back to the light side of the Force.
“Yes,” Obi-Wan said, watching as the inside of your mind waged war on itself. “I know why he’s calling out to you.”
“Why?” you asked, helpless against the mental anguish that you were going through.
“He loves you.”
Scoffing, you struggled to get to your feet. “Don’t be ridiculous Obi-Wan. He never loved me.”
“If you believe that then there’s no hope in saving him.”
Turning, you felt the anger flood your veins, shoving its way to the surface. “Saving him?” you shouted. “There’s no saving him! He murdered the people we cared about. Younglings ! He turned himself into what they wanted him to be—what they molded him to be.”
“We’re Jedi. We must keep the peace no matter the cost—”
“And how far will you go to keep this peace? My death? Your death? The death of Luke, of his sister?” Obi-Wan’s eyes narrowed. “Anakin Skywalker is dead . In his place Darth Vader walks the path of the Sith.” You shut your eyes, doing what you could to right your mind. “Saving him was never an option.”
“We have to try.”
“I don’t,” you replied, effectively shutting yourself off from the Force as Obi-Wan attempted to push his way through to you.
“Then what will you do? Keep hiding?”
“Yes!” you cried. “I will keep hiding, because the Jedi Order is gone and everything we stood for, everything that kept the balance… he destroyed. I would rather think him dead than be constantly reminded of his betrayal.”
Obi-Wan stood, his expression exactly the same as when he told you of what transpired that fateful night. “You’re being selfish and that’s not the Jedi way.”
“Fuck you.” The words were spat out harshly in his direction. “I choose to forget all that pain and if that makes me selfish…then so be it. Perhaps you should try it.”
You were being cruel to him— unfair —because the anger inside of you could no longer be contained behind the walls of your mind. Whether it was yours or Anakin’s you could no longer tell, but it hurt either way. It felt as if you were being stabbed repeatedly in the heart with every new memory, dream, and hope that was shoved your way. Obi-Wan’s ideas of saving Anakin were merely fantasy. Yet that didn’t stop you from believing they could be true—that you might be able to save him and stop this madness.
“Do you think I haven’t tried?” His words startled you. “I wish I could forget what I did to leave him there, how I nearly killed him. It haunts me with every dream and every memory—just as it does you Bandit, but I…do not have the luxury of forgetting.”
He was right. You knew it down to the very marrow of your bones that being able to forget was simply a transparent hope you held onto. Eventually it would shatter in your hands, leaving you bleeding in the end, just as he did. Only how could you try and save the man who did so much damage? Who broke your heart over and over again simply to gain the power to save the ones he loved from death.
“He’ll kill me,” you whispered, eyes staring at the now orange sky that peeked through the entrance of the cave.
“How do you know?”
Scoffing, you glanced at Obi-Wan. “I just do. Even if he did love me, love is a weakness to Sith.”
“Yes. You’re right.” He stepped closer, his palm falling to your shoulder and grasping it softly. “But a weakness in Anakin’s case could be just what’s needed to save him.”
You wanted to deny his words, to pretend you could simply remain as you were. A fugitive in a galaxy that was under siege—a galaxy that could no longer be saved. But the familiar feeling that pulled at the back of your mind rose up—making space in the hollow space of your chest that once housed your heart. The need to help. To bring peace once more and show that the Jedi of old weren’t gone entirely.
“I don’t know if I can face him,” you whispered, staring at the lines of your palm in the hopes that they would make his eyes vanish from your mind. That you wouldn’t have to live with this suffering.
“We all have to face him eventually,” Obi-Wan admitted.
You knew what he meant; how the feelings waged a war in his own mind too. He was just as terrified to finally see the man he once knew, to witness what Anakin had become, what the dark side turned him into. The fear still lingered in his mind, overtaking everything he knew like a plague. There was never any other alternative than this. The second Anakin turned, the both of you were left with nothing else to do except scatter amidst the galaxy.
It was a grief that weighed heavy on your shoulders.
A loss you’d never come back from.
“There’s nothing we can do to help him.” As much as Obi-Wan wanted to see otherwise, you knew that to be the truth. Anakin was beyond helping, but even still you found yourself unable to let go of the hope. That constant echo of what once was now resurfacing the longer you tried to fight against this.
You were a keeper of the peace. A protector of those who couldn’t protect themselves.
You were everything Anakin turned his back on and somehow in a twisted way…it might just be what could bring him back.
Obi-Wan watched as you fought with yourself. Your mind was dark and filled with turmoil, but then he saw it. The small glimmer of something bright reflecting back at him. That once evergreen hue flickering to life again—matching the light of the weapon you once wielded with pride. He watched as the Jedi you once were—the master you came to be—bloom before his very eyes. Obi-Wan try as he might would not be the one to bring Anakin back from the dark side. Even you might not succeed in this task, but he could see the determination in your eyes, the power that filled your stance.
In the depths of your memories he saw the truth. The reason why he urged you to go.
You would die for Anakin.
Just as he would have died for you.
It was a bond stronger than any he’d witnessed before and he could see that you knew it as well.
“I’ll need a ship,” you said, finality echoing in your tone—eyes sharp and clear.
He grinned, reached for his cloak and the small pack of credits. “I’m sure there’s something to be found.”