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The disaster begins, as all good disasters do, at approximately 2:37 AM on the third ill-advised Wednesday night of the month. Ryuji is snoring with near-admirable consistency on the floor of the attic and Futaba gently placing crisps on his nose; the moon hits on a small patch of wood panelling at Ren’s feet, filtered by the dust on the windowpane; Ann is non-stop harassing Goro about his love life; and Goro is beginning to lose the battle.
“I know he likes someone,” Ann is saying to a half-asleep but nevertheless too attentive Ren, “because he does that stupid fluttery laugh thing whenever I bring it up and tries to distract me.”
“Does it work?” asks Ren.
“It—well, the point is, I know he’s doing it,” Ann says, scowling at Goro, who only bestows upon her a dreamy smile. “So cough it up already, Mister Detective Prince! You can’t hide forever.”
“You have soda on your bra,” Goro says lazily, “there’s cat hair stuck on it,” and watches as she drops what she’s holding and tries to extract it.
“Who is it,” Ren presses, bra-less and entirely too accustomed to cat hair to give a shit about such diversions.
“Why, I wouldn’t have thought you of all people would care to know,” Goro says, inclining his head in mock derision. “What’s it to you, Leader?”
“I’m curious.”
“Me too,” howls Ann, which makes Ryuji snort in his sleep and then start coughing on crisps. “Goro, you’re the worst.”
“You were forewarned before befriending me,” Goro says, behind a yawn.
Ann glares at him. “New strategy,” she announces. “Forget telling us who it is. We’ll just wingwoman you without knowing.”
“And how will that work?”
“It won’t,” says Ann triumphantly, “and you’ll get so annoyed with us for interfering that you’ll tell us who it is. So here’s the plan—”
“No,” says Goro, sitting up and frowning at her.
“I’ll date you,” Ann continues, “and then we’ll make whoever it is jealous.”
“I don’t want to date you,” Goro says, looking petulant. “You’re terrible.”
“Then tell us who it is!”
“No, and what if they’re not the jealous type?”
“Doesn’t matter,” says Ann. “I’ll use my detective skills to see who you keep looking at to check if they’re jealous.”
“I’m not worried,” Goro sniffs.
“Why are we friends with him?” Ann asks Ren. “He just insulted me like six times.” Ren smiles indulgently at her, still looking a bit dozey. “Hey, wake up!”
“I’m awake,” Ren assures her. “I like the plan.”
“She can’t date me if I don’t agree,” Goro points out. “That’s not how dating works.”
“I’m not really going to date you, dummy,” Ann says. “I’ll just pretend. I’ll be a great fake girlfriend—here, watch!” She bats her eyes at Goro and then swoops on him to press a wet, sloppy kiss to his cheek. “Love you, honey!” she simpers.
“Eugh,” says Goro, cutting eyes at her and wiping the spot several times for good measure.
Ann collapses across his lap. “And now you tell us who it is so I never do that again.”
“And now I end my friendship with you to the same end,” Goro counters.
“Ugh! I’m breaking up with you. Ren, baton pass.”
Ren grins. “You want me to date Goro?”
“Pretend-date Goro,” Ann corrects. “And make his crush jealous.”
“This is not going to work,” Goro says, looking down at Ann and gently removing her hand from under his shirt, where she was ostensibly trying to grab his nipple and twist it.
“Sure, I’ll do it,” says Ren, still grinning. He does his own rendition of Ann’s eyelash bat. “Go out with me, Goro-kun?”
“I’m older than you, so show me a little respect,” Goro says crossly, while Ann contorts in peals of laughter on Goro’s lap. “Our relationship is off to a bad start, Ren-kun.”
“Aha!” Ann crows. “You didn’t say no! The fake relationship is on!” And she cuts off Goro’s weak protest by waving her fist around as though to start a race and catching him directly in the crotch.
Goro’s reasoning: Ren absolutely must have forgotten about this the next day. No alcohol had been involved, but a sleepy Ren was about equivalent to an inebriated Ren in measures of sentience, as he normally clocked out at about 9 PM and ceased to be useful from that point forward.
Goro’s reasoning, however, has got quite the wrong number, and Ren hasn’t.
Joker: Dinner tonight?
Crow: Have you broken something? Shall I grieve whatever you’re attempting to provide restitution for?
Joker: ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ
Joker: That how you talk to your boyfriend?
Crow: You can’t tell me you were serious about that.
Joker is typing…
Joker: You weren’t?
Crow: It was 3 in the morning. Since when do you indulge Ann’s random whims so completely?
Joker: Since I met her unfortunately
Crow: Actually, that does makes sense.
Joker: Lol. Pretty silly idea, but I’m down if you are
Crow: You’re pulling my leg.
Joker: Could work!
Crow: How so.
Joker: Whoever you’re gunning for, I’ll make them super jealous
Joker: You’re looking for a boyfriend, I see that
Crow: okay.
Joker: Gimme time you know I’m gonna be there
Crow: stop
Joker: Don’t be scared to come put your trust in me
Crow: ill have dinner with you if you shut up
Joker: Nice
Crow: why do you want to do this
Joker: Idk it’ll be fun? Ann will have a good time
Crow: Ah, forever the great defender of Ann’s happiness.
Joker: I’m good at being a boyfriend. I’ll make it worth your while.
Crow: Hm.
Joker: So you’re free tonight?
Crow: For you? I’m never free, Joker.
Joker: Knew you wouldn’t be a cheap date
Crow: :^)
Joker: Take your pick. I’m taking extra shifts this week.
Crow: Why, just for me? Such a gentleman.
Joker: Anything for you :*
The new plan is to throttle Ann the first chance he gets, without preamble or explanation. She cannot, perhaps, be blamed for every outcome of her little plan, as there are certain insignificant details of which she is still unaware. However, Goro is now panicked beyond reason.
In one respect, Ann’s little plot had worked perfectly: as of 10:13 AM on the Thursday following the Plan’s inception, Goro is indeed set for a date with the object of his affections.
Said object just doesn’t know it.
A mental rewind: You want me to date Goro?
And now an after-the-fact amendment: Being the undersigned Amamiya Ren… I want me to date Goro.
And he doesn’t know what to wear.
Actually, Ann’s plan might be simultaneously the peak of his slightly-dismal-so-far life and his ultimate downfall. Ren doesn’t know what’s sadder: Option A—do not date your crush, because he is out of your league and you haven’t levelled your guts enough to ask him (and actually now that you think about it probably the reason he is out of your league is that you consider your social abilities in terms of stats and levels but most likely that is because of Futaba’s influence and is therefore neither here nor there), or Option B—this.
“This” being, of course—date your crush, but only as part of an elaborate ruse suggested by your oblivious third friend, the purpose of which is to deceive a fourth party who by all threads of reason is probably now your eternal grand rival for the affections of your beau, to their benefit.
And that’s not even the end of it. Date your crush, but in so doing, confirm only that his affections are not for you. Date your crush, but in so doing, confirm that actually, his affections will apparently never be for you. Date your crush, but in so doing, cement your eternal doom and unhappiness, and then get told off by your cat in a series of cranky meows for lying prone in bed for most of the morning holding your phone over your head texting your crush, and then get your phone batted onto your nose by said cat because he’s tired of you.
And now Ren has a bruised nose and he still doesn’t know what to wear.
“I need a suit,” he says to the general air.
“You need a life,” says Morgana—well, actually, Morgana doesn’t say anything, because Morgana is a cat, but having been his stalwart companion for some months now Ren is fairly confident in his ability to translate Morgana’s unusually expressive meows and is sure that the present case indicates a frankly toxic derision. He props his head up. Morgana is glaring balefully at him.
“Morgana,” says Ren. “Moggy. I need to borrow your suit.”
Morgana is unmoved.
“Mogwump,” says Ren. “You are a tuxedo kitty.”
Morgana meows, which means: “You are a moron.”
“Come here,” says Ren, to which Morgana complies, and then immediately regrets when Ren grabs his paws and makes him dance. “Handsome baby. You are so clever and beautiful.”
Morgana: “Pathetic.”
“I know,” says Ren, flopping back on his bed. “But if he doesn’t like me anyway…”
Option B allowed him to at least hold Goro’s hand before Goro smilingly crushed his heart under his expensive boot, and that made it the superior option, simultaneously by not-that-much and by leagues beyond anything Ren might have hoped for before now.
“Will you come with me, Mona? Will you wingman me?”
Morgana has abandoned him and is stalking down the stairs with his tail high, which Ren thinks he deserves, at this point.
Panther: LOL OK R U ACTUALLY DOING IT?
Crow: He insisted. This is your fault.
Crow: How is this supposed to help me? Nobody else is even going to be there.
Panther: thats all u know
Crow: do not spy on my date
Panther: omggg why not it doesn’t even matter its just ren
Crow: What if you’re my intended target, Ann? What if it’s you I’ve been in love with this whole time?
Panther: LMFAO
Crow: You scorn my affection?
Panther: LMFAOOOO
Crow: Alright, fair enough, I didn’t really think you’d bite.
Panther: JUST IMAGINE
Crow: I’d rather not.
Panther: why did u agree if u think its so stupid
Crow: He’s buying me dinner.
Panther: o dam maybe i should date ren
Panther: actually u know what why ISNT anyone dating ren hes like the perfect guy
Panther: how tf is he single
Crow: I don’t know. Why DON’T you date him?
Panther: uh you got there first girl it’s called the bro code
Crow: Hmm.
Panther: leave me your sloppy seconds
Panther: mayb he likes someone already and thats why he wont date anyone?
Crow: Why wouldn’t he have told them, then?
Panther: mb hes just an eternal bachelor.
Crow: are you calling Ren a slut
Panther: im not not calling ren a slut altho i have no proof
Crow: Hm. If I gather evidence of promiscuity tonight I’ll be sure to inform you immediately.
Panther: 😍
Goro has selected one of the most expensive restaurants he knows, which is a fairly expensive restaurant, because Goro is an established snob. As to why—usually “Goro is a bitch” is sufficient reasoning, but in this case it’s more “Goro is unusually adept in the practice of self-sabotage” and the slightly nauseated look on Ren’s face when he sees the average dish price on the menu makes Goro’s inner brain goblin announce, “Aha! I have successfully pushed him away.”
Goro asks of his brain goblin: “Why would I want to do that?”
Goro’s brain goblin replies: “pthhthbthbht”
“You said I could pick anywhere,” he tells Ren pleasantly.
“Yes,” Ren manages. “It’s fine.”
Goro laughs, and then his brain goblin is screaming and shrivelling because Goro is nudging Ren a few steps to the side to show him a second establishment tucked into a nearby unseen corner—much cosier, much more inexpensive, definitely not where Goro had actually intended to take him. “This is where I actually intended to take you.”
“Oh,” Ren says, visibly relaxing. “Hey, that’s nice. Intimate.” He looks around at Goro from under his eyelashes, which he flutters for good measure, so Goro shoves him into the wall with a snort and goes on ahead.
Goro’s brain goblin, in the throes of death: “what if this actually goes well and you actually fall in love and then inevitably he leaves you just like everyone you’ve ever loved or ever will love”
Goro, ignoring the death rattle: “I think the gnocchi sounds nice.”
Ren, surreptitiously counting the bills in his wallet: “Hey, choose whatever you want.”
Unfortunately, Ren looks really good, but this is not a surprise attack because Ren always looks good, even 11PM-stained-shirt-half-asleep-why-are-you-at-the-café-right-now-Akechi Ren, whom Goro had met once and been fatally changed by. On that occasion, Goro had misplaced his train pass and plaintively asked Ren to borrow his, mere weeks after they’d first met.
The Ren who’d yawned catlike in his face and mumbled that he’d go fetch it from his jacket pocket was every bit as handsome as the Ren smiling nervously across from him now, fiddling with the corner of the menu and the corner of his bowtie alternately. He’s wearing a bowtie… that’s heinously sweet.
“Hey,” says Ren. “You’re not, like, actually uncomfortable with this, are you?”
“Hm? No,” says Goro, “why, are you?”
Ren laughs. “I asked you out.”
Goro’s heart doesn’t skip a beat so much as it twirls an anxious tap dance around it. “Asked me out, did you?”
“Asked you to go on a fake date with me,” Ren corrects himself. “Kinda strong-armed you into it.”
“It’s at least as much Ann’s fault as yours.” Goro returns to his menu. “I was surprised you actually did it.”
“I was surprised you agreed,” says Ren.
“Did you want me not to?”
“No,” Ren says quickly, “no, I’m glad you did.”
Two can play this stupid, self-destructive game. Goro repeats Ren’s unfair eyelash move from earlier and croons, “And why might that be, Amamiya-kun?”
Ren says, “Oh,” and knocks over his water right as the waiter arrives and says, “Can I take your order?”
Ten minutes and several napkins later, Goro orders the gnocchi and a burning Ren orders the fish.
“I’m glad I agreed, too,” Goro tells him, surreptitiously pointing out a scrap of red soggy napkin on Ren’s thigh. “I have so few opportunities to see you this flustered.”
Ren flushes darker. “I’m so glad you didn’t actually want to go to that fancy place,” he mutters. “New and exciting ways to play the fool.”
“I’m sure you’ll find them regardless,” Goro says kindly, and Ren hurls daggers at him from under criminally long eyelashes. “You do realise this is a little pointless.”
“What, you making fun of me? Yeah, do you?”
Goro just laughs. “No, this outing. Nobody is here to witness us, Ren. Who’s going to be made jealous?”
“Depends,” says Ren. “Either fifty people or six hundred and twenty-thousand people—depends where your crush lurks.”
“What?” asks Goro.
“Smile,” says Ren, and more quickly than he really has a right to be, grabs Goro’s tie to drag him across the table for a sickeningly sweet selfie.
When Goro’s done choking half on mortification and half on his tie, Ren says, “So? Do they follow me or you?”
“Both,” Goro manages.
“I’ll post it, then,” says Ren. “Then your legions of fans don’t have to get involved.”
“Thanks,” Goro says drily. “And your hometown friends? They won’t make a fuss about your new boyfriend?”
Ren shrugs. “Don’t think anyone cares,” he says. “Besides, small town criminal snags big-shot detective? Who could resist such a love story for the ages?”
“Hmm,” says Goro, smiling. “I suppose I’m a catch.”
“You’re a stuck-up prick,” Ren tells him, beaming entirely too fondly, so Goro takes a hurried sip of water and chokes on it so he has a reason for his face to go red.
Panther: SAW RENS INSTA POST GUESSING DATE WENT WELL?????????????
Crow: I don’t know what you mean by “went well” since it wasn’t a REAL date and therefore had no actual objective, but sure. It was fun.
Panther: yea boiiii well u look super in love so aspirational boytoy boutta be REAL jelly
Panther: did u tell him to post there??
Crow: Aspirational. Boytoy.
Crow: I said it was fine.
Panther: or galpal im just testing the waters here! correct me if im wrong!
Crow: anyone who says boytoy is wrong
Panther: baby if this is wrong I don’t wanna be right
Morgana says, “You look terrible,” by walking up to Ren and batting him very hard in the face with his small paw beans.
“Thank you,” Ren says mournfully. “I deserved that.”
“Why did you ask him out, Ren?” asks imaginary Morgana voice. “Why did you do this to yourself? Why did you voluntarily endure such emotional turmoil?”
“You are very articulate for a kitty,” Ren responds to the air.
Morgana actually says, “Mrow,” and starts licking his crotch.
“I don’t know,” Ren sighs. “Maybe I’m stupid.”
“Mrow.”
“He is handsome. Very handsome. He wore a tie. And he knows what forks to use.”
“Mrow.”
“Yes, kitty. I know forks are symbols of class warfare. It was still charming. I’m in hell.”
“Mrow.”
“He smiled a lot,” Ren sighs again. “I shouldn’t ask him again. Hey, should I make our photo my lockscreen? I can say it’s for the ruse.”
“Mrow,” Morgana says decisively, so Ren changes his lockscreen and then smiles like an idiot every time he checks the time, which he does way too many times in the next one hour.
Crow: Wait. What did you mean I look in love?
Ann slams her phone down on his desk and says, “Not good enough.”
Goro yawns. Says, mildly, “Your phone is cracked.”
“What?” she screeches and snatches her phone back up again, but after a short examination huffs a sigh and says, “Wait, none of these are new.”
“What do you even do to your phones?” he asks her, resigning himself to getting no more work done today and closing his laptop. She, confirming this, parks herself on his desk and wails.
“I’m unlucky!”
“As am I,” he says pointedly, shifting his laptop out from under her butt.
“Don’t distract me,” she snaps suddenly, jabbing a finger into his chest. “That photo with Ren! Not good enough!”
“You seemed pleased enough with it,” he drawls.
“Yeah, but it’s not good enough anymore,” she whines, draping herself across his desk entirely and rendering all attempts at rescuing his laptop entirely moot. “It’s been like two days and we haven’t got any new results. You need to keep this thing going!”
“I told you not to expect results,” he reminds her. “What do you think is going to happen?”
She beams at him, upside-down. “Dunno! But you and Ren are gonna have to go on at least one more date, okay? In public this time. And get lots of pics.”
“No.”
“Too bad!” Ann bounds back up to her feet. “You’re meeting Ren at the station tomorrow. Ten o’clock. Don’t be late! And dress warm.”
“Wait—” but she’s scruffing his hair and skipping out of his apartment again, dubiously-gifted keycard sticking out her back pocket.
Joker: So…
Crow: I see Ann has once again managed to change your fate with her Pantherly wiles.
Joker: Dunno about “change”. Maybe I would have done it anyway.
Crow: Doubtful.
Joker: You have so little faith in me
Crow: On the contrary, I had too much. I thought, for instance, that you wouldn’t go any further with this silly ruse.
Joker is typing…
Joker: We don’t have to go out
Crow: No, I’m sorry.
Crow: That came out too harsh. You know I would always be happy to spend time with you, Joker.
Joker: Tell me if you’re uncomfortable
Crow: It’s alright. I wouldn’t want you to disappoint Ann.
Crow: We can go on our “date”, so far as she knows, and simply have a nice time as friends.
Joker is typing…
Joker: Fake fake dating?
Crow: Haha. Too many layers of machinations and lies for you?
Joker: From you? Wouldn’t expect anything less.
Crow: You wound me, Ren. Have I ever been anything less than completely honest with you?
Joker is typing…
Crow: Don’t answer that.
Ten o’clock finds Goro at Ann’s directed platform, dressed warm as instructed and with no idea of what to expect from the day, which is not typically the way he likes to go into anything. Ann knows this and knows too how to soothe his controlling freakishness; the balm is Ren, arriving bundled and endearing and red at the tips of his nose and ears from the biting cold. He blinks at Goro which is his smile, doe-eyed and sweet, mouth hidden beneath his scarf, and Goro says, “Good morning, my dear.”
“Hey,” says Ren. “You ready?”
“Perhaps,” says Goro. “Where are we going?”
Ren consults his cell. “Ann’s date plan, not mine,” he adds, a disclaimer before anything goes wrong, which Goro respects. “Mine would be brunch at one of your fancy cafés and you foot the bill,” which Goro respects even more, for the sheer pettiness and the smirk that comes with it.
“I didn’t think you liked my fancy cafés,” says Goro. “And what would be for brunch?”
“Pancakes,” Ren says promptly, just to watch Goro’s expression sour, and grins again. “As luck would have it, for you, Ann has a plan. No pancakes.”
“No pancakes,” Goro agrees with some relief.
(The “pancake incident”, taboo to all those in the know and vehemently denied to all those not, is a solemn and thoroughly humiliating affair, deeply traumatic, and the subject of 85% of Goro Akechi Related Zero Sensitivity Mockery, a fate he has since accepted with resignation.)
“So?” Goro asks, since Ren is squinting at his phone again behind fogging false glasses. “What’s the pancakes-free plan?”
“How much do you like fish,” Ren asks, cryptic and unhelpful as ever.
Goro considers. “On my plate, about a four out of ten.”
“And in a tank?”
Goro grins. “Much higher. To Shinagawa?”
“Ann’s plan is to get us to a public place,” Ren tells him seriously. “Increase exposure, et cetera. Get some glamour shots in.”
“Exposure? Why, Joker. Is Shinagawa Aquarium not part of a hotel?” Goro pretends to look scandalised. “You couldn’t be trying for something unsavoury, could you?”
Ren looks so sweet in mortification—glowing an immediate red and fiddling terribly with his bangs, sinking into his scarf so he’s only a pair of eyes peeking over that bright royal blue he insists on. Goro allows himself a moment to melt before tuning back into Ren’s stammering attempts to stop stammering. Has mercy, after a minute: “I’m joking, Ren.”
“I know,” Ren mutters, still fiddling. “But you’re still terrible.”
“Our train,” Goro says, beaming with innocence, and gestures for Ren to step on before him, as would any other gentleman.
For the nth time in as many days: Goro gives Ann credit for her genius.
Ren is enamoured with the fish and it’s cute, which Ren unfortunately always is, but cuter still when his eyes are huge with wonder and mouth agape because he’s seen a cool sunfish, or something. Yes, they’re large. Quite large. Yes, Goro does see it. It’s twenty minutes before Ren remembers this is a performance and, reddening, takes an extremely shit selfie on his phone which Goro saves from the cloud anyway. Ren is many things and practiced in the art of self-photography is not one of them, but although there is too much head room, there is just the right amount of Ren’s calm smile and warmth against Goro’s cheek. So Goro takes a second, artfully cropping their faces so their entwined hands are in focus. He sends the photos to Ann, who approves, and then fondly calls him a camera whore.
Crow: It was YOUR idea.
Panther: it’s a compliment!!!
Goro is recognised multiple times and photos most likely uploaded to various social medias, so, part one of Ann’s agenda met, they head out for lunch. Goro suggests fish; Ren looks scandalised and insists on something they haven’t seen alive today. They wind up with burgers—the meat of which, Goro says snippily, was probably alive never—and pose nonchalantly together for several more strangers’ covert photos. Ren takes the opportunity to kiss sauce onto Goro’s cheek to piss him off. Goro, infuriatingly infatuated, lets him.
“It is so weird being out with you,” Ren tells him.
“Why?” Goro says, slightly hurt. “Aren’t we friends?”
“Obviously we’re friends.” The scoff in Ren’s voice sort of puts Goro at ease, though he automatically bristles, but then Ren smiles. “I just mean, you never drop the face when we’re out.”
“The face,” Goro says. “My face.”
“I mean,” Ren says. “Sometimes when it’s just us, you’re suddenly really mean for no reason.” He shrugs. “Kind of miss that when you’re being a face.”
“You want me to be mean to you?” Goro asks, incredulous. “Do you want me to unpack that?”
“Please don’t,” Ren mutters. “You know what I mean, shut up.” And takes his pickles.
Goro does, and he’s weirdly touched, although offended at the loss of his pickles. The ugly sides of his personality which he’d deigned to show Ren, sort of by accident, after meeting him on the same wavelength of the Bitchy Astral Plane one too many times—always something to be tolerated, never something to be missed. Ren, the best person he’s ever met, half a pickle hanging out of his mouth and distracted by a meme Ryuji’s sent to the group chat, telling him it’s nice when Goro is himself.
Goro, master of deflection: “This burger’s shit. Let’s get crepes so I can at least wash the taste of incompetence from my tongue.”
Ren, still with the pickle in his mouth: “There’s the guy I was missing.” And he pays for the shitty burgers when Goro isn’t looking, despite everything.
Goro actually doesn’t have a sweet tooth, which suits Ren, because the crepe stand they visit kind of overdoes it on the syrup and he’s treated to Goro’s Anti-Crepe Stand Soliloquy which lasts for seven minutes and is brutal and unceasing. Maybe the average person wouldn’t consider this a treat, but then, the average person isn’t unnaturally charmed by Goro’s scowl.
“…anyway, how’s yours,” Goro finishes, remembering he has company.
He’s forgotten to eat it, too amused by Goro’s ranting, and it’s drooping in his hand despite the cold. “It’s good.”
Goro snorts. “A truly comprehensive review.”
“Not everyone has seven minutes of material about crepes,” says Ren, because the dead-eyed grimace he gets for this is almost as charming as the scowl.
The disdain for the crepe had not prevented Goro from carefully angling several filtered photos of it to post to the socials, a blurry Ren flashing a peace sign in the background. When asked why he wasn’t foreground material, Goro said haughtily, “Intrigue equals engagement,” and then spent several more minutes monitoring his notifications with a crease in his brow. Thoroughly ignored, Ren watches this happen with such concentration that he doesn’t notice he’s eating through the cardboard of his crepe.
“Bleh,” he says.
“Hm?” Goro looks up. “You’re eating cardboard, by the way.”
“Thanks.” Ren peeks at Goro’s phone screen, upside down. “Nice photo.”
Smug, Goro shows him the comments. “Everyone wants to know who you are. You see?”
“I see,” Ren says, seeing. Already the jealousy is rolling in, heavy like fog, as new comments scroll past. “Looks like everyone hates me.”
“Envious, I suppose—not everyone can monopolise my time so effectively, you know.” Goro smirks and tucks his phone back into his pocket. “Don’t worry. I censored any identifying information, so you shouldn’t be harassed.”
“The plan’s working, then,” says Ren. The lightness he’d been floating on was slowly melting down his fingers along with the whipped cream, leaving him feeling slightly sticky. “Do you think they’ve seen it?”
“They—oh,” says Goro, frowning a little. This one was less cute, somehow. “Yes, I suppose they have.”
“Did they comment?”
There’s an odd look on Goro’s face. “In a manner of speaking,” he says vaguely. “Here—shall we go?”
“Go?” Caught off-guard by Goro’s abruptness, Ren doesn’t notice the berries sliding off his own crepe until Goro’s hand flashes out to catch them. “Oh, thanks—hey.”
Rather than returning them, Goro pops the berries into his mouth. “Losers weepers,” he says, grinning. “There’s still a quota to fulfil in Ann’s nefarious date plan, is there not?”
“Oh,” says Ren, who had forgotten. And forgotten more violently in the face of Goro’s lips on the berries. “Oh, that’s right. She got us tickets to a show—an open air concert at the park, it looks like.”
“No wonder she said to dress warm,” Goro says. “It’s well thought-out. A public, outdoor space—plenty of chances to be seen and photographed.”
“Right,” says Ren, trying not to deflate.
“How kind of her,” Goro says.
“Well, she charged the tickets to your card,” Ren says, squinting at his phone, which dissolves Goro’s beatific smile into an exasperated huff.
A snag in the plan:
“This sucks,” says Ren. Goro heaves a sigh of apparent relief. The jazz-hip-hop-metal fusion clanks merrily on from the stage.
“I’m grateful you said it,” says Goro, delicately shaking his hair back over his ear to muffle the cacophony. “I’m not sure what Ann was thinking.”
“That we’d have to… huddle for insulation from sound.”
“Distinctly not how sound works, so you may be right. Shall we vacate the premises?”
“Let’s ditch,” Ren agrees, and they slip out at the next break in the set. Surely enough concertgoers have snapped photos of them together by now, though—
“Does your crush like jazz-hip-hop-metal fusion enough to follow accounts that would post photos from a jazz-hip-hop-metal fusion concert,” Ren asks.
“No.”
“So that was pointless,” Ren concludes.
Goro is frowning at his phone again. “How much did I pay for those tickets?”
The rest of the park, now that the dulcet tones of jazz-hip-hop-metal fusion have faded, is actually quite pleasant. The sky, while dusky and warm, is not bright enough to light the path, but the soft glow of the streetlights accompanied by fairy lights strung in the trees does the job just fine. They walk in comfortable silence. Ren’s hands are tucked firmly in his pockets, partly from habit, partly so he won’t have to resist the urge to reach out and take Goro’s, which is swinging gaily by his side.
“I guess we sabotaged Ann’s plan,” says Ren.
“Hm? Oh, I suppose so.” Goro smiles. “No-one’s around to see us, are they? What a pity.”
“Yeah. Pretty romantic setting.”
“What a shame,” says Goro, “to waste it on the two of us.”
“Yeah.”
Ren’s phone buzzes. Ann—asking how it’s going. He pockets it again.
“Hey,” he says. “D’you think this’ll work?”
“I never thought it would work,” says Goro, long-suffering. “I’m indulging Ann, remember?”
“Right.”
After a moment, Goro sighs. “It’s not all bad,” he says. Ren looks up, which is a mistake—he gets Goro’s smile full-blast to the face. “I get to spend time with you, after all.”
“Yeah?” Ren’s smiling before he can stop himself. “Hey, you have to promise,” he says. “If this does work, and you get to live happily ever after with your mystery man—”
“Ugh.”
“—you won’t stop hanging out with me.”
They stop beneath a flickering lamp. Goro’s eyes reflect the dim amber light. His hair looks soft and gold in the glow.
“Never,” he says.
Crow: I hate jazz hip hop metal fusion
Panther: and???
Crow: you
Panther: and??????????
Crow: algorithms that think I like Taylor Swift?
Panther: AND??????????????
Crow: Do you want this list alphabetically or by force
Panther: I want INFORMATION about the your DATE
Crow: Well that was syntactically incoherent
Crow: We didn’t stay at the concert
Panther: yeah ik people snapped you leaving together
Panther: to go for a romantic lamplit walk in the park
Crow is typing…
Crow: wait a minute. Was that the purpose of the concert?
Panther: yeah? who listens to jazz hip hop metal fusion
Crow is typing…
Panther: some detective!!! couldn’t even work out my evil plan
Crow is typing…
Panther: so how was it?
Crow: Are you asking if I’ve made any progress with my so-called mystery person?
Panther: have u
Crow: No, and this isn’t going to work
Panther: hmmm
Panther: why do u keep going then
Crow: Because you want me to?
Panther: i also want u to tell me who it is tho
Panther: but u wont do that 🤔
Crow is typing…
Panther: much to think about 🤔
Joker: Haven’t heard from you for a minute. No instructions from Ann either.
Joker: That mean it worked?
Crow: Thinking about me, Ren?
Joker: Surely a man has a right to ask who’s stolen his beau away
Crow: Your beau, huh
Joker: My best beloved?
Crow: In any case, nobody’s stolen me away. I’m afraid I’m still all yours.
Crow: My condolences.
Joker: Damn. Better keep trying then.
Joker: Free tonight?
“He’s gonna ask you to a movie,” says Futaba.
“What?”
“Keep sweeping,” Futaba commands, and Goro rolls his eyes and so does. She returns her gaze to The Screens, where she is kindly torrenting Season 5 for Goro’s personal use. “I bugged his phone. He’s gonna ask you to a movie.”
Crow: What movie?
Joker is typing…
Crow: Futaba’s here.
Joker: oh god okay
Joker: Don’t scare me like that
Crow: The government’s after you.
Joker: The government’s always after me
Out loud, Goro says, “Has he said anything to you about all this?”
“‘Bout what.”
“Ann’s scheme.”
“What scheme,” Futaba says.
Goro frowns. “For Ren to pretend to date me so she can flush out the object of my affections. Surely you know. Why else would Ren be asking me to a movie?”
Futaba stops typing. “You two aren’t dating?” she demands.
Goro drops the broom.
“Holy shit,” says Futaba. “Also, that’s a terrible plan. That’s never going to work.”
“I know,” says Goro. “How did you not know this?”
“I never pay attention to your garbage. Why’re you doing it then?”
“Ann is…” Goro struggles, then decides on: “Persistent.”
Futaba squints at him. After a moment, she shrugs. “Alright,” she says. “Damn. News to me.”
“Why did you bug Ren’s phone?” Goro asks her warily, but she zips her lips and points at the broom, and the conversation ends.
The movie: new action flick starring actor of the day. Blockbuster, high budget. Criminally bad.
“This is criminally bad,” Goro declares in a polite, movie-appropriate whisper. Ren’s grin is bright in the dark of the Yongen theatre. “Why don’t we ever go somewhere good?”
“Sorry,” Ren whispers back. “I guess I’m a bad boyfriend.”
Goro sniffs. “You should have known from the synopsis that this would be a waste of time.”
“I did.”
“You—” Goro cuts eyes at him. “Excuse me?”
“Sorry. I like hearing you complain.”
“Excuse me?”
“Shh,” someone hisses.
“You’re not missing anything,” Goro hisses back.
“I told you,” Ren says, back in his theatre-murmur. “It makes me feel like you trust me. And it’s funny.”
The heroic actor pouts his lips in a drawn-out scream and flies, legs flailing, away from a green screened explosion. Lands unscathed on a nearby car, the alarm of which goes off with some truly trite comedic timing. Ren’s eyes are forward now, in that cute way of his—ultra-focused, a hundred percent of his attention diverted to hide how shy he’s feeling about having it on someone. Never does anything by halves. Even with his gaze elsewhere, Goro feels Ren waiting for him to speak.
“I do trust you,” Goro whispers back.
They watch the rest of the movie in silence. It’s bad.
“That was pointless,” says Goro as they wander to the train station.
Ren’s holding his arm, still shaking off the last few giggles at Goro’s scathing closing remarks, which had lasted all the way to the end of the credits. “Oh? Tell me again.”
“No,” Goro says, shoving him. “The date. Nobody takes photos in movie theatres. Besides, Yongen is too quiet to attract publicity.”
This seems to sober Ren somewhat. “Oh, yeah,” he says. “Sorry. I guess I didn’t think about it.”
They stop. Two minutes to the next train.
“That’s quite alright,” Goro says, a little belatedly.
Ren smiles a little. Even in the unflattering light of the train station he’s sweet-faced, gazing at Goro through those long eyelashes, the slight curve of his lips all but imperceptible to anyone who doesn’t know him as well as Goro does.
Ren says, “Hey, I’ll ride home with you.”
“Hm?” Goro coughs. “Why?”
“You know,” says Ren. “You might get spotted by fans, right?”
“Oh,” says Goro, ignoring whatever stupid little somersaults his stomach is doing. “Good thinking. Of course.”
The train rumbles toward them. Ren does a little after you, which makes Goro trip over his feet, just a little, subtle enough that anybody but Ren would have missed it.
They spend the train ride from Shibuya with Ren standing awkwardly over Goro, who had managed to slide into the last seat just before Ren could dive for it. They’re uncomfortably close like this, with the train filling more and more the nearer they get to Kichijoji and Ren shuffling into Goro’s knees to make room. Goro’s legs are warm where Ren is pressed into them.
When the speaker announces their arrival, Ren rocks back on the balls of his feet to allow Goro to stand. He does, his shins feeling distinctly cold.
Kichijoji is more crowded than Yongen, as it always is. Ren has to squeeze out behind Goro, a hand locked firmly on his elbow so they don’t lose each other. They back out from the current of people streaming from the doors, and hover by a pillar.
Goro makes no move to leave. The train opposite closes its doors, and Ren could easily have slipped into it, but he doesn’t move either. The rush slowly calms.
“Well,” says Goro, after too long a pause.
“Yeah,” says Ren, which is not actually a response, but whatever.
“I don’t believe we were spotted by anyone,” says Goro. Of course they weren’t. Goro Akechi spotted Sitting On A Train, Somewhat Near Another Man? Not even his fans are that devout. Ren’s student card doesn’t cover his fare to Kichijoji; this was entirely a waste of his time and money, but Ren doesn’t seem annoyed at all.
Then again, he never really does. Or at least, not to Goro.
“I guess I’d better head back to Yongen,” says Ren. The next train arrives in four minutes.
Goro smiles. “Sorry to drag you out here for nothing.”
“Kind of a shame,” says Ren. “Came all this way, you know?”
“What sort of publicity could we possibly generate on a train platform?” asks Goro. “I could push you into the tracks, I suppose.”
“I guess some of your fans would be jealous of me,” Ren concedes, evidently not ruffled by this at all. “Maybe I have another idea.”
“What is it?”
Unlike in the theatre, Ren doesn’t take his eyes off Goro now for even a second. That steady gaze is fixed right on him and as he always does when Ren looks at him, Goro feels moored in a storm. Like the world is swirling but he is anchored, held firm and secure by those cool gray eyes.
Ren takes his hand. Still with those unwavering eyes on him, he gently lifts Goro’s hand—Goro thanks any god who’ll listen for his gloves, then curses them for the same—and bows his head.
In the moment Ren touches his lips to Goro’s knuckles, a million clichés occur all at once. Time stops and so do the trains—so does the wind, so does the air in Goro’s lungs. The electric hum of the streetlights, the gentle flickering of the shopfront signs, the movement of the clouds across the sky. It all stops and everyone stands still and his hand is warm and warm and warm, and then all too soon Ren is drawing away again.
Goro’s fingers tighten, all on their own.
There it is: Ren looks surprised. It happens infrequently enough that Goro celebrates a little victory each time it does. For every time he’s managed to catch Ren off guard, Ren’s done it to him ten or so times. It had stopped smarting only around the time Goro had decided the feeling he was feeling might not be spiteful hatred but might actually be interest, and then started smarting again when that turned into interest because oh come on, and then stopped smarting for good when he finally realised that what all this meant was that he wanted Ren to keep walking into his life and stay there, even if—in a world first—the cost was his pride.
But Ren’s stopped pulling away, because Goro’s tightened his lax grip, and now Ren’s gentle hand in his is caught in place. For a long, drawn-out moment they stare at each other—Goro isn’t sure what he wants, what it was that drove him to do this, what he thought he might achieve by keeping Ren here. He could open his mouth now, flash his silver tongue and save his face. Ren’s face is still awfully close. Here in the crowded train station there is very little in the way of other options. Close, so close he’d be able to feel Ren’s breath on his hand, still raised, if only he weren’t wearing gloves. So close he thinks he could smell Ren’s shampoo. He can’t. They’re in a crowded train station. A million other scents assail him. It feels like he could—he thinks he can—only because he remembers the way it smells, only because he’d never managed to forget once he’d learned it. So close, in fact, that he can see each flicker of Ren’s eyes, less steady now than before, down and up, and down and up once again, as though no matter how much he wants to, he can’t look away from Goro for long.
Ren smiles his invisible smile and Goro feels his hand slip away.
“Goodnight,” Ren whispers, ever the gentleman. Goro blinks once, and Ren has melted back into the rush of the evening train.
This is a new low.
“Why’d I do that,” Ren asks of his pillow. It might not be able to hear him; not much of that was discernible.
His pillow responds: “Are you going to eat at any point tonight?”
This is novel enough that Ren shoots up and promptly smacks his head hard on the window, which is open above his bed. “Oww,” he groans, rubbing the lump, and comes to the realisation that his pillow had not spoken—Sojiro had, and was now standing next to his bed holding a plate of curry and staring at him.
“Are you okay?” Sojiro asks him with his signature irritated concern. “Are you going to tell me why you left your dinner on the table and came up here to lie facedown in bed?”
“Thanks for the food,” Ren says, in his most pathetic voice to date, and reaches for the plate. Sojiro dodges him—some Phantom Thief he is.
“Eat downstairs,” he says, and makes Ren chase him down two flights for his dinner.
Leblanc curry, while almost enough to heal a broken heart, is not quite enough to heal a humiliated mind. Over and over the memory plays: Goro’s startled face, the warmth of his hand. The texture of his glove on Ren’s skin. Ren’s lips are chapped—he wonders if Goro noticed. In ordinary circumstances he would, because Goro notices everything, but he’d seemed very distracted, probably because Ren had, for no discernible reason, kissed his hand.
“Girl trouble?” Sojiro asks, watching Ren, who presumably looks tormented and agonised with a spoon of curry suspended halfway to his mouth while he relives his traumatic evening. Then he seems to remember something and says, carefully, “Or is it… guy trouble?”
Ren finishes the bite of curry.
“A-plus,” he says to Sojiro, “you’re a natural.”
“At what?”
“Talking to your bisexual part-timer. You could write an article.”
“I ought to kick you out,” Sojiro grumbles.
“Guy trouble,” Ren confirms, not sure why he suddenly wants to talk about it. Morgana’s fed up with him and won’t listen anymore, so maybe that’s it. Cats are smarter than he ever gave them credit for. Mona seems to have figured out the particular cadence of the tortured sigh that relates to Goro and now exits the room at the inhale.
Sojiro, who hasn’t got that far yet, nods sagely. “Argued with your boyfriend, did you?”
“Don’t have a boyfriend.”
Sojiro snorts. “News to me. Might be news to him, too.” At Ren’s face: “It’s that Akechi kid, isn’t it?”
“Did you get this from Futaba?”
“I got this from that moony expression he’s got on whenever he’s here,” Sojiro says. He takes Ren’s empty plate before Ren can get up to wash it and plops it into the sink. “Don’t need Futaba to tell me that much.”
Oracle: rude
Oracle: but true
“Tell her to cut that out,” Sojiro says crossly, and Ren sees the dots pop up, so he hastily puts his phone on do not disturb.
“Goro just looks like that,” he says, vis à vis the mooning. “He’s not mooning.” That was also vis à vis the mooning.
Sojiro snorts and turns the faucet on full blast over the plates. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“We’re pretending to date,” Ren says. “Ann thinks if I pretend to be in a relationship with him, then—um, he likes someone, and she thinks I could make them jealous.”
The look Sojiro shoots him at this is very hurtful.
“Dunno why you’d do that,” he says.
Ren shrugs. “Helping a friend.”
“Hurting yourself,” Sojiro shoots back.
“How so?”
This look is just withering. “Never mind,” Sojiro grunts. “Tell that Akechi kid he can come by whenever.”
“If you know his name, why do you keep calling him the Akechi kid?”
“Go to bed,” Sojiro tells him. “And stop lying to yourself, at least.”
“I’m not lying,” says Ren. “I was in bed, by the way.”
“Punk,” Sojiro mutters. “Eh, what do I know. Good luck with your plan. Hope your boyfriend gets his guy. Or girl. Or—something.”
“Thanks,” says Ren. “Me… too.” He doesn’t make eye contact with Sojiro as he leaves. “Night.”
Lying in bed (redux) sees him, this time, staring up at the ceiling instead of straight into his pillow. Morgana has deigned to rejoin him as a heavy and uncomfortable lump on his chest, which about sums it all up.
But the stars outside his window are bright and beautiful, and the lump on his head is going down. That moment in the train station is up in lights before his eyes. There had been a moment, one brief moment, when Goro’s face had been very close to his own. Close enough, in fact, to see the concealer dotted near his hairline, where he’d been fretting about a pimple. To catch a faint whiff of his signature fragrance, which was a little sweet. In that one brief, crazy, terrible moment, Ren had been very, very close to leaning forward those last few centimetres—very, very, very close to learning not what worn leather gloves felt like on his lips, but chapstick.
There’s only so much he can do and claim it in the name of the ruse. Goro’s wide-eyed stare when Ren had kissed his hand—too far, too much. He’s letting it get away from him.
(Still, hadn’t Goro’s hand closed on his?)
Ren sighs. On his chest, Morgana’s ear twitches in asleep irritation. He strokes Morgana’s back, and his transgression is apparently forgotten.
“I don’t know if I can keep this up, kitty,” Ren murmurs into Morgana’s soft little cat head, running fingers through his fur, and Morgana begins purring, as magnanimous in sleep as he is unforgiving awake.
So, this is no longer funny.
This is, now, not before but definitely starting right now, just sad. Goro has to end this before something even more humiliating than having a minor anxiety attack on the floor of his shower while he thinks about the feeling of Ren’s lips on the back of his hand happens. That’s a pretty small pool of occurrences, but the way things are going, Goro is fairly confident in his ability to manage it. Enough is enough, Goro decides, for Goro is a decisive person and has not been pacing for twenty minutes picking up and putting his phone back down again.
Crow: At what point should we call this quits?
This is a scheduled text. He’d scheduled it for ten minutes after writing it, because pressing send himself seemed simply insurmountable. As anyone could see, Goro is dealing with all this quite well.
The initial breach made, Goro continues:
Crow: Don’t get me wrong, you’ve been a perfectly adequate boyfriend, but I think it’s safe to say we’re making no progress in furthering Ann’s little scheme.
Crow: Not that it wasn’t always destined to be a failure, but I believe even she would agree at this point.
Joker is typing…
Goro’s never known Ren to type this long. He’s normally so taciturn. It’s Goro who double-triple-quadruple texts or sends walls of thoughts, which Ren has repeatedly reassured him he doesn’t mind and in fact finds interesting. Actually, the word he’d used first was charming, but then he’d backtracked for some reason.
God, this is pathetic. Goro puts his phone face down on the table so he’s forced to stop staring unblinking at the little bouncing dots.
It buzzes one second later. Goro knocks it immediately to the floor in his haste. Yes… that was less pathetic.
Joker: We could call it now, if you want.
Crow is typing…
Joker is typing…
Crow: I suppose that would be best. I do believe you’re running out of funds.
Joker: You did warn me you wouldn’t be a cheap date. I knew what I was getting into
Joker: Want to dump me, or should I dump you?
Crow: Why, Ren. The fact that you’re considerate enough to ask just shows why I fake-fell in love with you to begin with.
Crow: You know, I reject enough love confessions in my day to day. I wouldn’t mind seeing how it feels on the other end. Go ahead and dump me.
Crow: In your own time.
Joker: That was unexpected.
Crow: I’m full of surprises.
Crow: Will my whimsy convince you to take me back, Joker? I’m already heartbroken without you.
Joker is typing…
Joker: It’s over! I never want to see you again!
Crow: Ah, the keen sting… I’ve loved and lost indeed.
Joker: Was it worth it?
Crow is typing…
“You guys broke up?”
“We weren’t dating,” Ren points out. He hears shouting. “Are you at a shoot?”
“It’s for a phone promo,” Ann explains. “They haven’t noticed I’m actually using it to call you, though.”
Ren laughs.
“How’re you feeling?”
“We weren’t dating,” Ren reminds her again. “You’re taking this remarkably well.”
“Ahuh! Because it worked!” Ann sounds very smug. “I know exactly who Goro likes, and I bet they’re going crazy right now.”
“What? Wait, what? Wait, Mona—” Ren sighs as Morgana, startled off his lap by his sudden sitting up, skitters across the floor and down the stairs. “Everyone leaves me.”
“Aww, baby. Anyway, yep! You can tell Goro I’ve got it all figured out.”
“Wow,” says Ren. “You’re quite the detective. Are you going to set them up?”
“Nope,” says Ann. “He’s gotta do that on his own. Oh, shoot, I gotta go. Bye Ren!”
Joker: Just so you know, Ann says she’s got you pegged.
Crow: Oh?
Joker: Dead to rights. Open book.
Crow: Should I expect a matchmaking?
Crow: Ren says you’ve figured me out. That’s some bluff.
Panther: mm-hmm! Case closed!
Crow: So? Who is it?
Panther: not telling!
Crow is typing…
Panther: frustrating isn’t it?!
Crow: transparent bluffs aren’t even entertaining, you know
Panther: it’s actually not a bluff lol
Panther: I’m 100% SURE ive got u
Crow: then why keep secrets
Crow: you realise it’s ridiculous not to tell me who I like
Panther: I mean you don’t need me to tell u :/
Panther: hmm how to put this in terms you’ll understand
Crow: I’m about to be patronised, I can sense it
Panther: I’ve set the wheels of fate in motion……………………… now all I can do……………… is watch my scheme unfold
Crow: Wait, so is it fate or your scheme I have to blame?
Crow: Haha, autocorrect, I meant *thank
Panther: >:/
Panther: ok I mixed my metaphors but You get it
Panther: my part is over! I did my meddling! it’s all up to you now!
Crow: ann
Panther: ok I g2g love you so much xoxox byeeee 🛞
Joker: She actually was being very cryptic about it
Crow: you’re telling me.
“Hey,” says Ryuji, “did you and Ren have a fight or somethin’? You guys were hanging out like every day for a second there.”
“We have lives outside of each other,” says Goro. “It’s only been a couple of weeks.”
“Yeah, but you called me to hang out,” says Ryuji, sceptical.
“You’re my friend. I like you.”
Ryuji’s scepticism deepens. “I like you too, dude, but you called me to hang out at the antique store.”
Okay, it’s not Goro’s fault he has hobbies. Maybe even interests. “What’s wrong with antiques? You like antiques, don’t you?”
“I mean, they’re fine?” says Ryuji. “I just mean normally I’m not the antique store guy, you know? Ren’s the one who’s into all that random stuff. Kinda feels like you were gonna call Ren and then, like, didn’t.”
Damn it, Goro always forgets how perceptive Ryuji is. Can he gaslight his way out of this one? “You’re imagining things.”
“No I’m not,” says Ryuji.
Okay, he can’t. “Fine,” Goro grits out. “We didn’t have a fight, but yes, we haven’t seen each other lately.”
“Why not?”
Goro smiles winningly. “I just thought we’d been neglecting our other friends. When was the last time you and I spent some quality time together? You know I’m always saying how much I enjoy your company.”
“What are you hiding right now?” Ryuji asks suspiciously.
Goro gives up on the gaslighting. “We had an odd moment the last time we spent time together,” he says. “I’m not sure if you were privy to Ann’s little scheme—”
“Ohh,” Ryuji says, nodding, “the datin’ thing? You know that was dumb as hell, right?”
“Yes, everyone does,” says Goro, unsure if he should be mollified or mortified. “Or should. Anyway, I didn’t want to risk it straining things between Ren and I, and I didn’t want to actually damage our friendship over something so stupid, so I thought… Some distance might be warranted, that’s all.”
Ryuji continues to nod thoughtfully. “You know that’s dumb as hell, right?”
“Excuse me?”
“You want to keep Ren as a friend,” says Ryuji, raising his eyebrows, “so you’re ignoring him and not spending time with him? Do you think that’s, like… normal?”
“I’m normal,” Goro says in a very loud and normal voice.
Several people in the antique store look up. Goro lowers his voice to less loud but still normal. “I am being normal.”
“I’m just sayin’,” Ryuji continues doggedly. “If you’re worried about things being weird, you should talk more, not less. Ain’t that just common sense?”
“Oh my god,” says Goro, having a very unwelcome realisation. “You’re making more sense than I am right now.”
“Uh-huh,” says Ryuji smugly. “Also, can we go somewhere else? Everything in here is so freakin’ expensive and it’s seriously just normal stuff but dusty.”
Despite the normality of his voice, a few patrons are still eyeing Goro with suspicion. “Okay, let’s go to the arcade. Don’t woo.”
“WOO!”
Crow: Busy tomorrow?
Joker: Hey
Joker: TBD, why?
Crow is typing…
Crow: Isn’t it possible for ex-lovers to be friends? I thought it was about time we gave it a shot after all this time.
Crow: haha.
Crow: In all seriousness, I suppose I’ve gotten used to filling my days with your company. I actually feel a little odd not hearing from you as often.
Crow: Even though it hasn’t been long.
Joker is typing…
Joker: Yeah I miss you too
Joker: You sure it’s a good idea though? Don’t wanna mess things up with your crush so maybe should keep a distance
The brain goblin, freshly revived and the honorary recipient of a completely legitimate graduate diploma in translation: I, Ren Amamiya, want you dead. By the way you’re all fucked up inside and I hate you forever and ever for the rest of time.
True! Excellent points being made by the brain goblin. Counterpoint: for three weeks, Goro has thought of basically nothing except Ren’s eyes on his, warm and intense as though he, Goro, is the only thing in the whole world who matters or indeed exists. Nothing at all, except for three other things:
- what Ren’s lips might feel like, were they not impeded by a glove;
- Ren’s voice when he’d whispered “Goodnight,” and how even though his voice was soft and affectionate Goro had heard it clearly above even the dull roar of a crowded train station; and
- how to beat Ryuji at DDR, which isn’t related to the rest of this but has nevertheless been haunting him slightly. (This is distinctly less of a priority.)
None of this is enough to kill the voice in his head, but it IS enough to make Goro pick his phone back up and send more really embarrassing text messages.
Crow: Come on, Ren. I told you, didn’t I?
Crow: Even if I were to get into a relationship, I promised I’d always make time for you.
Joker is typing…
Joker: If you’re sure.
Brain Goblin: I hope you explode. By the way remember that time you dropped pepperoni on your white shirt in front of everyone we know? That irreparably damaged my perception of you and we all laughed at you for hours and also we still do every time you aren’t looking.
“You are not part of this conversation,” Goro says out loud to his own brain.
Crow: I’m always sure when it comes to you.
Crow: I enjoyed the walk we went on after that heinous concert. Come for another with me?
Joker: Okay
“I think you’re overthinking this,” says Makoto warily. “It’s a park?”
“I think you shouldn’t have come to Makoto and me for fashion advice,” says Futaba.
“I think I should die,” says Ren, staring into his closet.
“Okay,” says Makoto, “let’s all calm down.”
“I’m calm,” Futaba points out. “You’re calm. Ren’s the only one who’s dying and shouldn’t be counted.”
“Why do all my shirts look the same,” Ren realises. “What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m calling Yusuke,” says Makoto, calling Yusuke.
Twenty minutes and one Yusuke later:
“I declare you irresistible,” says Yusuke, framing Ren with his fingers and looking exceptionally pleased with himself.
“The scarf,” Makoto says weakly. “It’s non-negotiable?”
“The scarf ties the entire ensemble together!”
Ren looks down at the scarf, which is a lurid maroon. “It’s a statement,” he says.
“It’s an exclamation,” says Futaba. “Ren, take that thing off and tell us why you’re freaking out about this. It’s a park.”
Ren gingerly removes the scarf and presents it back to Yusuke, who looks thoroughly disappointed in him. The rest of the outfit, he thinks, is pretty respectable. Granted, Yusuke’s a little more willowy than he is and so the trousers are a little long, but it’s fine, he has platform shoes, and it might actually be kind of funny to be taller than Goro for a minute because it’ll probably annoy him and then maybe his nose will do that cute scrunched-up thing that he—
“Easy, there,” Makoto says, concerned, when Ren groans and curls up into a horrible little ball on the floor. “Ren, what’s going on with you?”
“Ann’s plan worked,” Ren tells his knees. “She knows who Goro likes and she’s probably gonna set them up.”
“It worked?” Makoto says, dubious enough that she forgets to be polite.
“What does this have to do with the park?” Yusuke wonders.
“Goro asked me to go for a walk with him,” says Ren.
Where is Morgana? He loves his friends, but some heartache can only be healed by a small and disdainful fluffy creature. Ren wants to bury his face in Morgana’s fur and never emerge again.
Makoto seems to be piecing things together. “So you two are no longer… pretending to date?”
“Nope,” says Ren.
“And the… plan,” says Makoto, who might be saying and the expired cheese, “that’s off?”
“Did everyone know it was a secret plan except me?” Futaba demands.
“You and Goro were dating?” Yusuke asks.
“No,” says Ren. “We were pretending. To make Goro’s crush jealous. Which I guess they are.” And they’re not the only one! Wow, Ann’s plan had a 200% success rate. Wow!
“And now Goro’s asked you to spend time together,” Makoto continues. “And this upsets you… why?”
Ren removes his face from his knees to stare dolefully at her.
Makoto’s expression goes from confused to more confused. And then to clear, very suddenly.
“Ohh,” she says. “Oh, Ren.”
Morgana might be with Haru, Ren remembers. She’d said something about civets and coffee. Well, that’s probably fine. Ren will just slowly sink into the ground and become one with the dirt.
“You know,” says Futaba suddenly, “I seriously didn’t believe you guys were just fake dating.”
“Are you sure you weren’t confusing reality with one of your doujin—” Yusuke begins, so Futaba slaps a hand over his mouth and continues.
“When I was talking to him while you guys were texting, he kept smiling,” Futaba informs Ren. “And like, I’ve read your texts. There was nothing smile-worthy in there. Plenty of cringe-worthy, but nothing smile-worthy.”
“He was probably laughing at me,” Ren mumbles.
“If you read their texts, shouldn’t you have known they were only pretending?” Makoto asks her.
“I thought it was like a roleplay thing,” says Futaba.
Ren groans and returns to his knees.
Yusuke finally realises he can defeat Futaba’s silencing tactic by standing up. He ignores all subsequent whaps to his collarbone. “Ren, am I understanding correctly? You and Goro were pretending to be in a relationship. However, you would like to be in a sincere relationship, and you are now suffering from heartache.”
Ren manages to make a sound something like: hrngn.
Yusuke politely takes this as assent. “Shouldn’t you tell him that?”
“I can’t,” Ren says miserably. “He likes someone else. I can’t fuck it up for him. And I don’t want to make it weird.”
“Don’t you think it’ll be weirder if every time you hang out from now on you’re like…” Futaba gestures at him as if to say a pathetic lump on the floor, which Ren guesses is fair.
Makoto, at least, seems to be trying for gentleness. “Ren, you should definitely talk to him. He’ll notice anyway if something’s off. It should come from you.”
“Okay,” says Futaba. “Here’s the part where we all leave so Ren can reflect on his feelings and eventually come to the right choice.”
Yusuke tilts his head and says, “Is that also from—”
“Yep! Out we go!” Futaba herds his friends out without ceremony. “Let the plot commence!”
Although this leaves him a pathetic lump on the floor who is now also alone, Ren is actually sort of grateful for the space to reflect. Except that he’s now alone with the scarf, which Yusuke had left behind apparently in the hopes that Ren might reconsider.
It’s a scarf, but it feels somehow judgemental. Ren finds this familiar and oddly comforting.
“Your scarf is,” says Goro, then pauses to consider in a familiarly judgemental way. “Unique,” he decides.
Ren smiles.
It’s hard to regret saying yes when Goro looks like this: dolled up in a classy smart casual, all creamy skin and honey-toasted hair and other food-related poetic comparisons. “I’m hungry,” Ren realises.
Goro looks surprised. “It isn’t lunchtime,” he points out, and he’s right, it isn’t, but Ren had spent lunchtime pacing the attic and forgetting to eat. And also Haru had brought by a basket of fresh vegetables when she’d returned Mona, and he feels guilty eating anything else while they’re sitting there staring at him, all healthy and unappealing.
Blessedly for Ren’s unvegetabled stomach, there’s a little truck nearby that seems only to sell sweet potato cakes and amazake. Goro’s got his wallet out before Ren can even blink. He’s probably trying to get Ren back for the burgers because he’s petty and eternally incapable of not keeping score. Ren sighs wistfully.
“What’s wrong?” asks Goro, handing him a sweet potato cake.
“Nothing,” Ren says, still wistful. “Thanks.”
“I should thank you.” Goro unwraps his own cake and licks it experimentally. “For agreeing to come, I mean. I was concerned you might be uncomfortable with me, haha.”
If anyone’s uncomfortable right now, it’s Goro. He only says haha out loud when he’s dying inside.
Ren also is uncomfortable, however. Goro doesn’t have a monopoly on being uncomfortable. Knowing Goro is uncomfortable actually makes Ren much more uncomfortable, because now who knows how Goro is feeling about him? Was that Goro’s subtle way of saying that Goro is uncomfortable with Ren? Is this a friend break-up date? Did Goro bring Ren out here to say he never wants to see him again? No, that’s insane. Is it insane?
“Haha,” Goro says again, which means the discomfort is biblical.
“I’m not uncomfortable,” Ren blurts out.
Goro gives him a dubious little side-eye.
“Beeeee honeeesssttt,” says a Makoto voice inside Ren’s head, who Ren guesses is like, also a ghost for some reason? “Wooooooooo.”
Ren gives up. “I’m a little uncomfortable,” he admits quietly.
He promptly decides that honesty sucks, because Goro deflates at once. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Ren, I really didn’t want to make things strange between us—”
“You didn’t,” says Ren. “It’s me.”
Oh, god. He isn’t. Is he it’s not you it’s me-ing Akechi Goro? He can see Goro’s face contorting already. “That’s not what I meant.” No, that’s worse, that means it is him. “I mean, it is. Wait. I’m starting over.”
“You really don’t need to,” Goro says politely.
“No, I do,” says Ren desperately. “I—Goro, I really like spending time with you.” His voice has gone all stilted and strange, he can hear it, but there’s no fixing this now. Goro gestures at his hands—Ren looks down and sees that he’s squeezing his little paper cup of amazake so hard it’s dangerously close to spilling over. He relaxes his grip.
“You don’t need to pacify me,” says Goro, clearly expecting a but.
“I’m not,” says Ren, frustrated and butless. “It’s not weird because of you. It’s weird because I—I think I need to take a step back. For a bit. I don’t think I can hang out with you without making it weird for you and your—you know.”
“Take a step… back?” Now Goro just looks like a kicked puppy. “Ren, I already told you, nothing is going to change between us even if I—”
“Ihavefeelingsforyou,” says Ren.
Oh, no. Noooooooooo.
Somewhere between Goro’s sad face and his own incredibly uncool outburst, Ren had closed his eyes. He squeezes them shut tighter. He can’t bring himself to find out what expression Goro is wearing right now. He can’t face it.
No turning back. “I can’t not be weird about you. I’ll wreck things. I can’t do that to you.”
Silence. Ren wonders if it’s safe to crack open an eye, just to make sure Goro is still there.
He is. Good. Is it weird if he closes his eye again? Probably. Ren does it anyway.
Goro still hasn’t said anything. This might be the longest he’s ever gone without speaking. Oh, Ren’s really fucked it this time.
“Sorry,” he adds in a wavery voice, like that’ll make it better. “That’s… why.”
“You… have feelings for me,” Goro says slowly.
Ren figures he can’t keep standing here with his eyes screwed shut, so he opens them for real. Goro looks like if a loading screen from the early 2000s were very handsome.
Ren nods.
“Feelings…”
“Romantic ones,” Ren clarifies, wincing.
He’s revisiting his plan of becoming one with the dirt when Goro asks, “Since when? After we started… ‘dating’?”
“Before,” says Ren.
God, he even finds it attractive when Goro’s doing sceptical air quotes. Is that something that’s normal to find attractive or is Ren a lost cause?
“How long before?” Goro asks cautiously.
Ren hesitates.
“A long time,” he says softly.
Goro frowns. “But,” he says, “if you had feelings for me, why did you agree to try and make someone else jealous?”
“I thought it’d make you happy,” says Ren. That’s only half the truth. Goro deserves the rest of it, even if it sucks and is stupid. “And…” God, this is going to sound so pitiful when he says it out loud, but at least if Goro’s expression turns scornful he’ll stop looking so upset. “Because then I’d get to date you. Even if it was just pretend.”
“What?”
“I figured I’d never get a chance otherwise,” Ren mumbles. “Thought this was my best shot.”
Goro goes dangerously quiet again. Ren fiddles with his stupid bright maroon scarf.
“That’s insane,” Goro says finally.
“Yeah,” Ren says weakly.
“Weren’t you jealous of the person I had feelings for?”
“Yeah,” Ren says again. “That’s why I can’t hang out with—”
“Well, that’s just egotistical,” Goro says, businesslike again. “And narcissistic.”
Ren shrinks.
“Sorry,” he says again, wondering what the quickest and cheapest way is to fire oneself into the sun.
“I mean, you do realise how absurd it is to be jealous of yourself?”
“Yeah,” says Ren.
Then he experiences a brief factory reset. “What?”
Goro starts laughing.
“What?” Ren asks again, feeling suddenly wobbly. “Goro, what did you say?”
The sweet potato cake is still sitting happily uneaten in Goro’s hand. When he’s laughing freely like this, delighted and unrestrained, he’s just about irresistible. Ren’s brain stopped processing rational thought about twenty minutes ago and even so he still manages to think, I wish I could kiss him again, right now.
Can he? He couldn’t. Could he? What had Goro just said?
Luckily for him, Goro seems—for the first time in what feels like a year—to be on the same page, at least where it counts. Ren finds, very suddenly, that there’s a hand on his cheek. Goro’s expression is warm and mirthful and still a little disbelieving.
“You get a very endearing look about you when you’re confused,” he informs Ren. “It makes you hard to resist, you know. Do you really mean it?”
“Of course I do,” Ren says unsteadily. “Mean what? What did you say?”
There must be hordes of people around them in the park. No doubt countless cameras go off when Goro leans in.
Of course, none of that matters right now.
Panther: GORO AKECHI SPOTTED LOCKING LIPS WITH MYSTERY MAN | NEWS.JP
Panther: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Crow: That second-rate tabloid? I wouldn’t trust it.
Panther: bet ur crush is real jealous right now!!!
Crow: He seems to be coping fine.
Crow: Alright, Ann. Tell me how you guessed.
Panther: LOLLLLLLL
Panther: Ren’s insta post
Crow: What about it?
Panther: he has barely any followers
Panther: and there’s like no crossover btwn ppl who follow you both. p much it’s just us
Crow: Ah.
Panther: “But Ann, doesn’t that mean you solved the case all the way back after our first date? Alas! Oh my!”
Panther: “But Ann, doesn’t that make you a detective of the finest order, even finer than I, Akechi Goro? Ohoho!”
Crow: I dont fucking sound like that
Panther: you’re right I AM a genius. I WILL accept your praise
Crow: Fine, I concede that I overlooked one detail one time
Panther: you concede that you’re a big ass dummy and I’m the best
Crow is typing…
Crow: Why didn’t you just tell us if you knew?
Panther: I figured you guys would want like a torrid love story yknow I knew ud get there eventually
Panther: so you could be all angsty about it in the moment but then later when you tell everyone how you met you have like a big dramatic romantic story so you can be the centre of attention
Crow is typing…
Panther: I know you super well right
Crow: yeah
Panther: sooo
Panther: whens the wedding
Crow: Ann, for god’s sake, we only just started dating.
Crow: Besides, I can’t think about that until you’ve helped me stage an affair so he’ll get jealous and propose.
Panther: ya that’s a given
Ren plops down on the sofa next to him, holding popcorn. “What are you scheming right now?”
“Nothing,” says Goro. He tabs over to the tabloid article and holds it up. “Did you hear I’m dating a mystery man?”
“Sounds fake,” says Ren. He grins. “Bet you like me better than him anyway.”
“Hmm,” says Goro. He doesn’t manage to hide his smirk when Ren sets the popcorn down to kiss his ungloved hand. “Maybe so.”