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Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

There is a faint instrumental melody, interspersed with the sound of footsteps against the pavement and the leaves of the trees fluttering in the patio. Women come and go from various rooms; some of them carry baskets full of clothes and sheets, others run to the dining area and others clean the hallways. An ordinary Monday inside the convent, the daily routine after having breakfast and attending morning mass. 

Xie Lian, on the other hand, is alone in the big backyard, she is one of the few nuns assigned for gardening work. Maybe the only one. She has always liked raising plants and taking care of them, ever since her childhood, it’s a nice activity that's not difficult at all. Also, going out for a while helps her meditate in a more effective and productive way. 

The first step is watering each of the small flowers that have begun to open their buds, they are tiny and too cute, Xie Lian makes sure to give them a quick check before moving on to the vegetation, where she tries to remove the weeds and apply fertilizer. Spring is about to begin, which means that these little ones will soon become big, the cold and humid environment will stop penetrating through her bones as well and the monastery will find a little warmth. 

She smiles weakly. 

“Sister Lian,” a voice calls from beside, causing her to turn around. “Are you busy?”

It is the mother superior, Jun Wu, a fifty-six-year-old woman who has a rather friendly countenance. Xie Lian remembers feeling deep admiration for Jun Wu in her early years within service, impressed with such a high level of knowledge and supposedly unwavering faith. Nevertheless, the woman is very hard to impress and is usually quite strict, totally unapproachable 

Yet, Xie Lian has somehow managed to be highly favored and praised by Jun Wu. Many conclude that it is due to Xie Lian’s genuine character as a modest and polite girl, fully dedicated to God. 

She is quick to shake her head. “I have finished my work for now, I planned to return to the dining room and help with the cleaning.” 

The abbess hums, looking pensive, and glances down at the plants in front of both of them, she remains silent for a couple of seconds. Then, she offers a tight smile and carefully takes Xie Lian by one arm.

“You know, we have received several requests this month. There are a variety of young women waiting for the will of the Almighty, wishing to consecrate themselves to him,” the beginning of what seems like a discourse, words chosen very meticulously.

Xie Lian understands it immediately, the abbess is referring to the women who are applying to enter the nunnery this year. Still, she doesn't dare to interrupt Jun Wu and just nods in acknowledgment, to show that she's paying attention. 

”A new sister will start her novitiate this afternoon, she will arrive soon” the grip on Xie Lian’s arm begins to subtly pull her, the abbess guides her to the exit of the garden. “However, Sister Nianqing will be busy and she will not be able to receive our novice.” 

Xie Lian tilts her head. “The priest has given Sister Nianqing a new position, right?” 

The corridors of the inner courtyard of the convent are extensive and have beautiful infrastructure; stone paving stones next to white walls, thresholds and windows covered with wood or marble, doors that lead to various rooms and one or another finely made painting. During the journey they were greeted by some random Sisters, the typical thing. 

“It is, Sister Nianqing has been rewarded for her impeccable service as a teacher and guide,” Jun Wu agrees, wearing a more honest smile and clearly proud. “Therefore, she is out of reach and we have decided to give this guiding duty to a well-trained Sister.” 

The mother superior tells Xie Lian to stop and they both stand in front of some small steps that lead to the interior area, where the community center is located as well as the main chapel. 

“Sister Lian,” the woman says. “Would you be willing to accept this charge?” 

It’s not a surprise and not unexpected either, Xie Lian assumed that she would be assigned some extra work ever since the abbess went looking for her; Jun Wu never ventures to visit without ulterior motives or 'good news' to share. However, she doesn't mind at all, at least not this time. Xie Lian enjoys spreading the word of God, that’s what she lives for, and she is thrilled to be entrusted with such an important task.

“If our lord has predisposed this destiny for this servant, I have no way of rejecting the offer,” she answers, nodding with fervor and excitement.

“I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me” Jun Wu is still next to her and hasn't released her grip for even a second. “So, let me explain the basics about what you will have to do…”.

From the clarification of rules to the teaching of common jobs, nothing out of this world, just as Xie Lian remembered. In addition, she is also told the time at which she will have to receive the novice and the room that will be granted to her. It seems simple and easy, uncomplicated for someone who has been here for a long time, there's no way Xie Lian could screw it up.

Besides, something good has finally come off after a streak of bad omens. She has to do it correctly and thank the lord for this blessing at the chapel. 

As they walk deeper into the convent, still listening to the mother superior talk, she can't help but feel a tinge of nostalgia spread across her chest. Ten years ago she herself was on the verge of becoming a novice, at the age of eighteen, just six months after losing her parents in a car accident. At that time she considered it a miracle to be alive and a call from the Almighty to prove her faith before him, which led her to desire to be part of this community and become a nun. 

Her conviction in God is as great as her crave for salvation, it is difficult to deal with the ravages of such an unbearable trauma and live fully with the phantoms of that devastating night. Since she consecrated herself and swore her life to God, Xie Lian believes she has finally found some peace and relief for her heart.

She then wonders how this novice found her own calling, how she decided to join the monastery. Had she gone through something similar to Xie Lian? or is this person a woman born in faith. 

“I fully trust that the sister will be able to show our new member the right path” is the last thing to be heard. 

Memories and melancholy quickly fade with the fresh breeze, the abbess has retired in the blink of an eye. Xie Lian stands there for a second, motionless and meditative, focusing on a fixed point on the wall next to her until she regains consciousness. 

After this, the hours pass with normality — the same procedure as any other day, going to the choir and taking lunch — and she soon finds herself in front of the large entrance gate. It is still closed, guarded by two guards at each corner, so Xie Lian just waits patiently and entertains herself by counting the pearls in her white rosary. 

It's one of those rare occasions where she's allowed in the front yard, so close to the exit; it is more common to go out during medical visits or when one is chosen to accompany a superior on errands, one of the rules of this community. Xie Lian sighs. 

Suddenly, the sound of a car parking in the driveway catches her attention.

At the distance, coming in through the now open gates, Xie Lian can get a glimpse of the priest's trusted acolyte and next to him there is a woman. Someone she had never seen before. A woman who cannot be over twenty, quite tall and slender; a marvelous semblance illuminated by the vague rays of the sun and accentuated rustic features, she is beautiful, and she is already properly dressed in the habit. There's a hint of raven hair escaping along her forehead, brushing against the patch covering her right eye. Xie Lian can't help but feel a surge of curiosity, with no intention of judging at first glance, but it is inevitable not to analyze it carefully. 

Amber eyes are caught by a dark orb, she feels like they've met each other before.

But that’s impossible.

Because this woman must be Hua Cheng, the novice.

She needs to get it together, stop whatever nonsense is happening through her head, staring for too long is somewhat rude and the opposite of the task she has been assigned. Therefore, Xie Lian quickly puts on a gentle smile and walks towards the newcomers.

"Welcome, Sister!" Xie Lian exclaims in an attempt at affability, making a gesture with her hand and bowing to the acolyte, who returns to the car to, probably, move it away from the entrance. “I hope your trip was enjoyable” 

The novice up close is even more stunning and much more charming, a wild beauty with a unique touch of enigma, now it's clear that she is probably two heads taller than Xie Lian. The young woman observes her for quite a long time, in silence, causing Xie Lian to feel somehow agitated and there is a faint pink color taking over her cheeks. It is only when Hua Cheng seems satisfied, having obtained something that Xie Lian cannot understand, that she takes her suitcases from the floor and grins.

“It was enjoyable, indeed,” she answers, a velvety and deep voice that makes Xie Lian shiver. "Who am I having the pleasure to talk with…?

“My name is Xie Lian, it's nice to finally meet you, Sister Cheng,” she introduces herself and motions for the woman to follow her, starting to walk into the building. “The abbess has commissioned me to instruct the Sister through her novitiate. Let me show you the room you’ll be staying in and then–” 

Before she can delve into her explanation, she is interrupted by the young woman. “You can call me San Niang, I'm still not used to being called ‘Sister’,” she says with honesty. “I have been told that the novitiate lasts six months, is that correct?”

If Xie Lian thinks it is strange to ask to be called by a nickname, she does not bring it up, because she understands that, perhaps, for Hua Cheng this is a totally different and new world. 

“That's right, but don't worry, it's not a complicated process,” she assures, licking her lips. For some reason, these are a little dry. “It is only part of the teaching before taking monastic vows. You will live like any of us and carry out the same activities, the advantage is having a guide to help you and explain to you how to do it." 

A couple of hours have elapsed since the midday meal and the break time inside the monastery is about to come to an end, so the place is filled with nuns gossiping and chatting among themselves, waiting for the moment to return to their chambers and prepare for mass. The atmosphere is noticeably more colorful than during meditation, Xie Lian hopes that this will be to the novice's liking. That it will, maybe, motivate her.

Hua Cheng hums. “Then, I can dare to guess that the Sister is older than me.” 

“How old is San Niang?” 

“I'm about to turn twenty-three” for Xie Lian, this answer does not surprise her, Hua Cheng is within the age range that she had calculated at a glance. 

Xie Lian nods. “Ah, well San Niang got it right,” she says and stops her steps in the hallway next to the section where all the rooms are located. “I am twenty-eight years old, I have been in service for ten years now” 

She turns to the novice, who is already looking back at her. They lock eyes. 

“Would the Sister be upset if I called her jiejie?” Hua Cheng pleads, there doesn't seem to be a hidden motive behind those words. It’s just cute  “As I already explained, I'm not used to it...so doing this would be a lot easier for me” 

Again, she prefers to not point out the informality of the nicknames and just agrees. There’s no harm in doing so, nothing actually wrong. After all, she must be kind and understanding, this girl is another soul who has sought God's love and his mercy, there will be time to correct her mistakes. 

“It doesn't bother me, however, try not to do it in front of the abbess,” she tells her, turning once more to the front. Xie Lian feels so warm and almost feverish, even when she starts walking again. It is…strange.

At the end of the hallway are found two dark wooden doors facing each other, they are surrounded by other chambers and some vases accompanied by multiple flowers, courtesy of Xie Lian, the walls here are covered with some kind of antique pattern. It is the area where the youngest nuns sleep in, separated out of respect and hierarchy from those Sisters who are a little older.

Xie Lian points to one of the two doors. “That will be your room, they remodeled it recently,” she comments and waits for the woman to accompany her to grab the handle. “It's right in front of mine, so don't hesitate to look for me if you have any problems”

It is nothing truly ostentatious, there is only what is necessary to be able to rest and store items; a small single bed, alongside a nightstand, followed by a wooden wardrobe and an old but functional lamp. On the other hand, the decoration resumes in several paintings of Holy Mary and Jesus Christ and a pretty beige rug. Totally identical to Xie Lian's own room, just like all the others too. 

“It has a nice vintage touch, the interior designer must be proud” 

Xie Lian giggles.

“The bathroom is at the beginning of the hallway, it's communal, so make sure you lock it,” she says and helps Hua Cheng to place the suitcase onto the mattress. “Anyway, I will give you a tour through the convent so you can locate all the places within it.” 

“Jiejie is very kind, without her help I would probably be totally lost” she states and Xie Lian can't help the tingly sensation that shakes her core. Still flushed. 

Usually, Xie Lian is not that shy, so she can’t make out what is suddenly bringing this type of behavior. Maybe going to pray at the chapel will clear her mind. 

Once again, the instrumental music echoes along the halls. This is a sign that the break has most likely  come to an end.

“San Niang is too fawning, I am only doing what I’ve been told,” Xie Lian brushes it off, although knowing that she has been condescending more than she should have. “You better unpack your belongings while I explain the schedules and activities. After that we will go out to explore the place.” 

The woman does as she is ordered and begins to unpack the few clothes that she has brought, a rule imposed on every aspirant: do not be greedy and maintain humility, it is forbidden to bring too many unnecessary things. Xie Lian carefully looks at the three pajamas folded aside. And she is not a nosy person, absolutely not, but she notices that there is no Bible hidden among the clothes. 

“We get up at half past five, listening to religious instrumental pieces is a must. A tradition for us to start with more spirit,” Xie Lian begins, still looking through the items neatly left on the sheets. “At six we have to participate in the choir, it lasts half an hour and then it is time for the individual prayers…”

Instead of a Bible, Hua Cheng leaves a booklet with what appear to be sketches and a somewhat worn pencil. Was she an artist? Before coming into the monastery, of course. But that’s not all, there is also a small book of poetry on the side of the booklet. The title serms familiar, the author is Alejandra Pizarnik.

As far as Xie Lian understands, it is not strange to see a nun cultured and rich in knowledge of all kinds, even so, yet it is not normal for a novice to bring objects of that caliber. At the time when Xie Lian joined, she had only brought two changes of clothes and a somewhat worn Bible, the only belonging she had left from her mother. She is amazed. 

“Bedtime is eight at night, don't hang around unless you want trouble” Xie Lian adverts her eyes and takes a deep breath. “The routine is the same everyday, so it’s easy to get accustomed” 

“Sounds easy”

She blinks. “I suppose it is” 

Although, after being in the same space for so long and doing the same activities every day, it can end up being kind of tedious. Even so, Xie Lian omits that little detail and goes on to reciting the basic rules of the community. 

After that, they put away Hua Cheng’s belongings inside the wardrobe and automatically head back to the extensive corridors, ready for the tour around the monastery. They go through each location and each communal space; including the chapter house, the cloister, the ‘school’ area, the chapel and the large rectory. Hua Cheng walks side by side with her and listens to whatever fact she throws while strolling.

The sky is still just as blue when they walk through the backyard, but the hint of an orange line is starting to appear at the bottom of it. To Xie Lian's surprise, what used to be freezing weather in the morning is now a warm and comforting breeze. 

There is a good feeling that settles in the bottom of her stomach, probably the sign of a good start to the year.

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

It's been a few of weeks since the beginning of the spring, raindrops start to accumulate inside the balconies and it's a little hot sometimes. The garden proudly displays the gardenias and jasmines that have finally bloomed, something that only happens at this time of year, so Xie Lian feels happy. This is her favorite season after all. 

But beyond that, Xie Lian is happy to have built a new friendship.

The convent is a locality full of spiritual peace where individuals share the same beliefs, nonetheless one could discover that it is also a space of extensive competition — a struggle between those who wish to obtain favors from superiors — and deep silence, so Xie Lia spent a good amount of time in solitude, simply enjoying the connection with the lord. For this reason, having someone to chat with from time to time is very refreshing to her. It's like finally finding someone who is willing to listen and respond back, not empty words.

So, she has spent the last three weeks going everywhere alongside Hua Cheng; taking care of the immense garden together, having small conversations in between classes and sharing their housework. Even during masses and in the refectory while eating, where it is supposed to be quiet, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng remain close. The excuse has always revolved around teaching, learning about ecclesiastical life and lessening the initial strangeness that Hua Cheng might feel in an unfamiliar environment. 

The bond that was born from that period of time is undeniable. Xie Lian thinks it is exciting. 

It really seems to be the beginning of a period full of blessings and good fortune.

This is how Xie Lian finds herself inside the great library during that Sunday evening, sitting at a table out of sight and near a large window, in the middle of a reading session with the novice. There aren't many activities to get done and the abbess has gone out to visit the parish of the adjoining town, so it’s the perfect moment to 'laze' a little and do whatever they wished for.  Plus, she comes to the library almost every weekend and including her new friend is nice.

Her eyes glance up subtly, away from the opened Bible. 

Hua Cheng is sprawled across a wooden chair in front of Xie Lian, her elbows resting on the desk and her cheek propped onto one of her forearms. The only book she brought is the same one Xie Lian saw that day among her clothing, it remains closed and has a lot of colorful bookmarks sticking out of the edges. 

It is very striking, certainly. 

“San Niang, if a book catches your attention, don't hesitate to take it,” she says, taking a small piece of paper and starting to write down some notes. “A few days ago you told me that you enjoy reading, so don't be shy” 

If the novice wanted she could even recommend some of her favorite books, read them together. Although they are all written by monks and ancient theologians. 

Instead, Hua Cheng asks. “Does Jiejie read the Bible every day?” 

She has never been asked that before. 

“You could say so,” Xie Lian responds, now pretending to continue scribbling on the paper. She has lost concentration. “Reading it several times helps me reflect, and I also like to make notes.”

She omits to comment on the fact that she rereads with the aim of improving her own interpretation, since there are many diffuse things in her mind that she still does not understand and needs to reevaluate. Even though her faith overflows her own body, Xie Lian is yet just a human being and not perfect. 

"San Niang doesn't do it?" she questions, letting her curiosity lead her mouth. “Read the Bible, I mean.” 

The novice shakes her head. “No, in fact, I have never read the Bible before” 

This clearly manages to capture Xie Lian's full attention, so she puts the pen aside to take a brief peek at Hua Cheng. How could someone who aspires to be a nun never read the sacred scriptures? That does not make any sense. 

"Never?"

“Never, ever in my life”

A little gasp. "Why?"

Previously, she had learned that Hua Cheng is a very cultured woman and quite informed on religious matters. Her age was not an impediment to philosophizing, much less to have an engaging and knowledgeable conversation with Xie Lian. 

This discovery, in fact, is a big surprise

“I don't find it interesting,” Hua Cheng confesses and shrugs. “Although I believe that there is an entity in heaven that saved me that time, when I lost my eye, I do not believe that the Bible can explain its existence or its words” 

Xie Lian is beyond stunned. “But the Bible is the word of our Lord, the word of God.” 

The words have no aim of scolding the novice, much less pointing her out, but something activates inside Xie Lian's chest and it’s difficult not to hold onto her own values. After all, the love of God and the catholic religion are the only things she has known for ten years.

“But the Bible is a very old book and was written by the man,” Hua Cheng punctuates, but her voice remains soft and kind. “Information has been distorted over the centuries” 

As the result of hearing such a statement, Xie Lian lowers her gaze to the pages of the Bible she was reading just a few minutes ago. She stays like that for a while, running her fingertips over the pages and thinks. Thinks so much that maybe that’s the reason why her head starts to hurt. 

Because, in some way, it is a coherent and totally rational discourse. Still, it's hard to admit it out loud.

Xie Lian offers a small smile. “That's a funny way to think about it, San Niang.” 

“Maybe,” says Hua Cheng, also smiling. “At the end of the day all opinions are valid, whether they are wrong or not” 

“Of course, that is why we are taught about free will.” 

“Exactly” Hua Cheng takes the opportunity to settle into her seat and opens the book that laid forgotten next to her arms. “Also, I have always preferred to read poetry among anything else” 

“It must be interesting, I have never read that literary genre” 

Hua Cheng looks at her, eye shiny. “Someday, if Jiejie allows me, I could show her some of my favorite poems” 

A glimpse of a butterfly swimming through the deeps of her warm chest, above the rosary that elegantly positions itself on it. Xie lian can’t help but nod in  excitement 

“It would be nice to know the things San Niang likes”

After this exchange, both decided to remain silent and simply focus on their respective readings. But to be honest, Xie Lian is unable to concentrate and has already lost the motivation to resume taking notes.

Instead, Xie Lian's gaze involuntarily wanders on Hua Cheng.

She definitely have no concentration issues — it's as if she's in her own world and the rest of the environment fades away with the melody of the instrumental pieces filtering through the door, leaving her absorbed in the verses and prose — her brows are furrowed as she reads and her head is tilted slightly to the right. A raven strand has once again escaped from the black veil, giving out a carefree aura. Flawless. 

However, there is something specific about this whole scene that catches Xie Lian’s attention.

The novice's hands are large, much wider and with much longer fingers than Xie Lian's, turning page after page with great care. The first time she noticed it was while they were baking cookies for dinner, she thought of it as a somewhat peculiar detail. Nevertheless, for some unknown reason, she now found herself imagining what it would be like to put her palms together and compare size, to see the difference up close. Would they be warm or cold? She wanted to know it all.  

“San Niang is younger than me and yet her build is bigger than mine.” 

Xie Lian's eyes widens as she realizes her recklessness, shame rushing to the top of her rosy cheeks. 

But, before she could apologize, Hua Cheng had already answered. “I have always been told that I am very tall and big” there’s no hint of bragging or narcissism in her tone. “Everyone used to think I was intimidating, having the eyepatch didn’t help either” 

The latter made Xie Lian frown.

That is totally unacceptable! 

“San Niang doesn't look intimidating, appearances do not define the person. Is common knowledge” she counters, her notes completely forgotten as well as her Bible. “Besides, San Niang is very attractive.”

The last part escaped from her mouth unconsciously and before she could even stop herself, think a little bit better. Perhaps Xie Lian is tired and that's why she's behaving that way, that must be it. Anyways, there was no way to take it back, so she could only close her mouth and let a blush appear on her face. 

“I'm flattered, but I already know I'm not exceptionally pretty,” Hua Cheng says and chuckles softly. “On the other hand, jiejie is small and has the face of a doll.”

The blush intensifies. 

Hua Cheng adds. “Between you and me, jiejie is much more beautiful” there seems to be an encrypted message behind that sentence, but Xie Lian cannot decipher it.

Beautiful, resonated in Xie Lian's head. 

One beat, her heart thunders against her ribcage. It's the first time in a long time that someone has bothered to give her a compliment, and she doesn't know how to feel about it or how to react. 

“San Niang–” and before Xie Lian could finish, she was interrupted by the sound of the library doors opening wide. 

A group made up of three nuns had entered, they are presumably walking along the shelves and they do not seem to have any intention of leaving soon. They would have no reason to do so because, as Xie Lian already knows, the library is a communal space and is available to all the inhabitants of the convent. 

However, it feels somewhat uncomfortable and not pleasant like before. She feels that there are gazes watching her, analyzing her every move and that is frustrating. She doesn't like it, even if there’s nothing wrong going on. She preferred privacy, such as prior to these three Sisters' appearance, to be in peace. 

Hua Cheng apparently notices the change in Xie Lian’s mood, as she has gotten up from her seat and proceeded to collect her belongings. Like she is getting ready to leave. 

“I must check if the sheets I washed this morning have already dried,” she announces, casting a furtive glance towards Xie Lian. “Would jiejie accompany me? I do not want to go alone"

Xie Lian understands the situation and nods immediately. “We better go quickly,” she says and imitates Hua Cheng, getting up and pretends to dust her robe. “In one hour we must attend mass” 

With the papers and Bible held firmly against her chest, Xie Lian walks with the novice out of the library and towards the backyard. If any of the sisters notice the true intention behind their sudden actions, no one says anything.

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

A month later the unbearable heat of the spring begins, a wave of sunny days, so they decide to take the opportunity and dive into a refreshing bath while the rest of the convent is busy preparing lunch. A great idea, a fantastic plan. 

There is a large mirror hanging on the wall, just above the marble sink. The reflection shown is slightly clouded by a thin layer of steam and water droplets, so it looks somewhat distorted. 

However, Xie Lian is able to distinguish it clearly. 

A figure of short stature, medium and curvy complexion, carrying generous attributes. There is a vague memory from her high school days, she once heard some girls alluding that the size of her breasts was too obscene and lewd, also commenting and laughing about her weight. It's been a long time since that, she's supposed to have left it in the past and didn’t matter anymore. Still, a tinge of insecurity settles deep in her stomach and Xie Lian is suddenly overly self-conscious. 

They are still very large breasts and exaggerated curves, now even more than before; caramel skin that gives a brown color to her nipples, wide hips that end in a partially narrow waist and thick thighs. She can't do anything about it, it’s just genetics. 

Xie Lian sighs and slowly looks behind her shoulders. 

There is Hua Cheng, sitting in the corner of a large bathtub, torso leaning outwards and seems to be rummaging through the pockets of her robe, probably in the search of something. She hasn't seen Xie Lian yet.

A tangle of nerves increases because of the anticipation and makes her skin crawl, she is too weak to stand it. Xie Lian in one quick movement grabs a bathrobe from the counter and places it on top of her naked body, attempting to feel a little more safe. The fabric is translucent and white, but at least that will do for now. After all, it is very important to preserve modesty, some Sisters usually take baths that way for the exact same reason.

Of course, it is not because of the fear of being seen in the most vulnerable state by Hua Cheng. The fear of Hua Cheng not liking what she sees. It is not that. 

“San Niang,” she calls, voice almost inaudible. “Are you sure this doesn't bother you?” 

The novice only then leaves her tunic alone and climbs properly back into the bathtub, splashing some water in the process. None of that really matters. The only thing Xie Lian can register is that dark gaze finally falling on her.

Every inch of her bareness can so vividly perceive the intensity of that eye, outlining every curve and every mole that is engraved on Xie Lian. There’s something peculiar overflowing in those sharp features, it makes  her curiosity for Hua Cheng escalate even more. It’s like she wants to devour everything that is in the middle of her path. Which, right now, is Xie Lian herself. 

She doesn't understand it, it doesn't seem normal.

The need to hide and run away is there and at the same time is not, but the only thing Xie Lian ends up doing is clinging to the rosary that is still hanging around her neck and prays for the irregular beating of her heart to stop. 

“Of course not, jiejie,” Hua Cheng says, her own nakedness visible through the crystalline water. She is not wearing any robe over her. “You had told me that it is very common to bathe together, especially when saving is an essential part of the daily life of this monastery” 

Unlike Xie Lian, the novice is quite thin and is surprisingly well endowed with muscles. It's nothing exaggerated though; broad shoulders, toned arms, defined abs and small breasts that are enhanced in the faint rays of the sunshine. Her pale skin stands out a lot, it looks perfect, qualities that nun's clothes did not do justice. 

Xie Lian probably has a fever, because for some reason her flesh is starting to feel warm. 

“San Niang is right, this is actually very normal and common” she lets out a breathy giggle, fingers almost embedded in the pearls. “Besides, we are both women…” 

“Yeah, there is no need to feel ashamed”

Her tangled thoughts are surely due to her lack of interpersonal relationships, this is her first friend in a long time, Xie Lian shouldn't give so much thought to something so trivial. The most formidable way to handle this whole situation is to enjoy the wonderful gift of friendship granted by the Lord and let everything flow. 

With that in mind, she takes a deep breath and proceeds to slowly walk towards the bathtub.

“Be careful, jiejie” warns Hua Cheng. “The water is a bit cold”

Xie Lian doesn't mind this, in fact, she dives into the water as quickly as possible. Although the sun is beautiful and helps the plants in the garden to a great extent, the feeling of humidity is horrible and sweating a lot because of the heat is not pleasant at all. Even worse when they wear such long clothes with so many layers. It is a total martyrdom. A little fresh water won't hurt anyone. 

The corners of her lips turn up in satisfaction, it indeed feels very refreshing. 

“I wish I could stay here all day” a little whine, Xie Lian lets her eyelids fall. 

She hears Hua Cheng chuckle. “Jiejie's skin would wrinkle just like a raisin”

“I will take the risk if it means not fainting from a heat stroke”

She allows herself to forget composure and lets her head fall back, the current eagerly cradling the strands of her long brown hair, it's like she's floating. She has always liked to take her sweet time and relax before starting to soap up, plus, being a little selfish from time to time is nothing that can't be resolved inside the confessional before taking communion. Also, this is only enjoying a good shower, the bathtub is large and comfortable enough to be wasted. 

She stays like that for a few minutes, maybe nine or ten, just swimming and floating around the bathtub space. 

At this point her entire body has been soaked by water, the cloth that hides it has irremediably become wet to the point of sticking against her skin and now it is a hundred percent transparent. Xie Lian realizes this when, during one of her dives, her torso surfaces and two large breasts greet her as she looks down. She had forgotten the old dilemma of hers regarding that problematic area, as well as the other areas below. 

Well, maybe there really is no reason to be so ashamed. There is only Hua Cheng present — Xie Lian trusts her a lot, they have had several experiences together since her arrival — and she has even taken a bath with other Sisters on previous occasions, there is nothing to fear. 

It is right there that she hears the novice moving around, which makes her eyes flutter open.

Hua Cheng went from standing still at the other end of the bathtub to sitting just a few centimeters behind Xie Lian.

“San Niang?” 

A smile and two wide hands reaching out in her direction. “Jiejie, this lowly one is freezing” Xie Lian tries not to look beyond those hands. “Keep me company here, maybe then I'll stop shaking so much.” 

Xie Lian, moved by that pitiful voice and the pout that settled after releasing such an absurd speech, could do nothing but agree and take a seat next to Hua Cheng, who immediately replaced the aggrieved grimaces with a victorious and utterly satisfied expression. So, she has been deceived. 

It reminds Xie Lian of all those times where the novice had implored for the calligraphy classes to be postponed, alluding that these caused her a headache. This drastic reaction is the same one she offers every time her plans are successfully fulfilled. 

Hua Cheng doesn't give Xie Lian any space to scold her. “The white color looks very flattering on jiejie” 

"What?" she asks, confused. 

A finger points towards the bathrobe. 

“It looks good on you” adds Hua Cheng, she sounds actually very honest. “It's a shame our usual robes are all black”

Again, she is blushing. “Ah, San Niang. I really appreciate it, but I don't think it looks that good” she says, without mentioning the fact that the robe is clearly translucid right now. Xie Lian takes a few seconds to clear her throat. “I'm not used to wearing something so…well, something like this.” 

At least not during daily life. 

Xie Lian thought that the topic would disappear there and then the conversation would take another direction. Staying silent would also have been an option. 

However, the answer Hua Cheng gives is the complete opposite to what she expected. 

“Jiejie's body is too stunning not to be admired. Trust me, you look gorgeous” is what she gets. “The bathrobe enhances your beauty”

The pit of her stomach flips, in a good way.

It's just the support of a friend, but a partially forgotten heart longing for affection takes it as a lifeline. Like a crashing wave of impatient heartbeats, her chest tightens and bubbles with something resembling what seems comfort.. 

Nevertheless, there is something that still prevents her from processing those praise. 

“Does San Niang really believe that?” she questions with a hint of disbelief, clutching her fingers to the fabric lying on her lap. “For our Lord, lies are a sin, we must always speak from the truth–”

Xie Lian is interrupted by a hand urgently grabbing her wrist, the palm feels cold yet warm against her bare skin. The grip is not demanding, but it is firm enough to stop her from running away.

They lock eyes, Hua Cheng is wearing a complicated expression. “I have always been sincere with you, I swear it with all my heart,” she recites solemnly. “If lying is a sin, you should not worry. You will never find anyone more sincere than me." 

Suddenly, a lump develops in the back of her throat and breathing becomes difficult. The firm grip that keeps them together doesn't help much to regulate her heartbeat either. If before she was blushing, now her face must look like a big strawberry.

“In that case…” she murmurs under her breath. “I will rely on San Niang’s kind words” 

Hua Cheng cracks a smile. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” and with that verse some fingers direct their way towards the curve of Xie Lian's cheeks, although their actual purpose is combing the strands of hair laying there. “Thessalonians 5:11” she says. “My words are more than just kindness.” 

A tiny surprised gasp. 

“You have been reading the Bible” Xie Lian states with amusement. 

“I wanted to surprise jiejie” 

Hua Cheng is actually the best person she has ever met. Even when she expresses her apprehension and ideology, she goes to such lengths just to make Xie Lian happy. But not only for her, of course, they are inside God's residence, so it makes even more sense. It is such a sweet gesture. 

Hands are still caressing Xie Lian. “Jiejie” 

“Mmh?” 

“Let me help you wash your hair” 

This time, she feels much more relaxed and comfortable. For that reason, there’s no need to reject such a nice proposal.

Xie Lian nods. "Alright" 

What used to be reduced to minutes, perhaps now represents half an hour. The sun's rays have become dimmer, just as the water has lost its initial icy touch and there are voices coming from outside the bathroom. Even so, everyone outside are still far away 

and no one dares to break in, not when they are probably still busy with chores. 

Maybe, just maybe, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng should start rinsing off and go out and help. The refectory would soon open its doors for the midday meal. 

But the way Hua Cheng softly massages her skull is so addictive, she doesn't want to face reality so soon. She prefers to remain there, with her back against the firm chest of the novice and her fingers spreading a lavender essence through each section of her hair. 

"Does it feel good?" 

Xie Lian closes her eyes, pleased. 

Responsibilities could wait a few more minutes.

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

Even the crickets were silent, it must be around three in the morning. 

It is assumed that all the nuns within the convent are sleeping in their respective chambers. After all, curfew starts at eight at night and no one is allowed to loiter in the hallways. That would be a serious offense that, if committed, would merit an unpleasant session with the abbess.

Nonetheless, a sudden knock on the door managed to wake Xie Lian up. Subtle enough to go unnoticed.

Back leaning against the headboard of the bed, legs crossed in a lotus position and a booklet settled onto her lap. Hua Cheng holds a cigarette – something Xie Lian doesn't understand where it could have been obtained from – between her reddish lips while she traces on a worn paper, drawing what appears to be a flower. 

The novice had gone in search of Xie Lian’s companion in the middle of the night, claiming that she could not fall asleep properly. Xie Lian did not have the courage to report the situation to the abbess, so they currently share together the tranquility and freshness of the starry night; one is humming a lullaby under her breath, lying on the mattress, and the other is sitting creating sketch after sketch as a method of falling asleep faster. It's like what her old friends used to call a sleepover.

Xie Lian watches as a cloud of smoke leaves Hua Cheng's mouth, she can't find the right words to point out her actions. The smoking thing.

“Jiejie has been staring at me for quite a while” 

She shudders, a question sitting on the tip of her tongue. 

Instead, she says. “San Niang is drawing the white roses we saw the other day inside the church” there are things that may be very obvious.

Officially four months have passed since Hua Cheng's arrival and, therefore, the beginning of the whole novitiate. The learning process has been very enriching, Xie Lian was in charge of breaking down the precepts that must be professed and the biblical knowledge in the most entertaining way possible. At the same time, her friendly bond with the novice has been escalating favorably. If months before they could be seen together at all hours, now it is much more noticeable and they are hardly separated. Xie Lian enjoys taking walks with Hua Cheng, doing their daily chores together and meditation with her. Also, it is nice to discuss various topics and learn new things. She has reached a point where she can understand the character that Hua Cheng represents, so she knows about her little tricks and bad habits as well as her virtues. 

It is unnecessary to ask questions to which she may already have an answer. 

“Jiejie seemed to like them,” Hua Cheng replies. “So I decided to draw them for a while to kill time” 

Xie Lian blushes, hiding half of her face behind the sheets. “In fact, they are my favorite flowers.” 

She recalls the disappointment when she realized that within the garden there was no suitable environment to plant roses. Xie Lian had been grumpy for a whole week. 

“Oh,” Hua Cheng looks between the drawing on her lap and Xie Lian’s face. “I thought your favorites were jasmines.” 

Xie Lian shakes her head. “I like them too, but not as much as white roses.” 

“I will keep that in mind from now on.” 

For a while, there's silence.

The nostalgia that she had not felt for months suddenly bursts into her chest and there establishes itself in a devastating way. White roses, the ones she loves so much, are the same ones that she used to collect in the park alongside her mother during childhood. The same flowers that were arranged on top of her parents' grave on that icy winter morning that disgraced her future.

Maybe one day, if God grants her pleads, she will be able to give them a new meaning.

She tries to push away the sting in the corners of her eyes and whispers. “San Niang” the woman seems to notice the change in her mood, but doesn’t interrupt and waits for Xie Lian to finish speaking. “Tell me about your favorite poems” 

A few days ago she had the good fortune to read a little of the book that Hua Cheng always keeps on her bedside table, that of Alejandra Pizarnik. Plus, Xie Lian really wants to avoid breaking down into tears and being terribly embarrassed in front of the novice. 

Perhaps she needs to go to Jun Wu and ask for some kind of advice, only if things get worse. When one of the Sisters is going through a bad time or needs to vent an emotional burden, going to the mother superior is the only option. 

Hua Cheng complies. “Your Voice” her body discreetly approaches Xie Lian. "It is one of my favorites" 

She doesn't know if it's the raw feelings or the gloom of the night, but there is an urge to chase Hua Cheng's warmth. Lean her head near her arms, which are now resting on the mattress, stay there until the sadness melts away. 

“I like that quote: ambushed in my writing, you are singing in my poem. Captive of your sweet voice” she adds. “Before, when I was a teenager, I didn't understand most of the poems I read.”

Hua Cheng is looking at some point far off, still smoking, seemingly focused beyond the wall and into the tiny window. 

“Meaning Of Her Absence is also a good one” gently grabs her notebook and sets it aside next to the short pencil, taking the opportunity to stretch her legs along the bed. “As well as On Your Anniversary” the cigarette is about to end. “Alejandra’s writing is heartbreaking and overwhelming, definitely one of the best poets I have read” 

The cigarette is crushed on whatever is on the nightstand.

There is something that raised a doubt in Xie Lian.

"And now?"

Hua Cheng tilts her head. “Now?” 

Xie Lian takes a breath. “I wonder if San Niang is able to understand them now”

She wonders if she too has trouble understanding herself like Xie Lian. If the poems ever seemed so heavy and distant that she must read them twice to memorize them, like the writings on the Bible feel to Xie Lian some times.

“Now I can do it, yes” Hua Cheng trails off. “Under the experience of life itself, I am finally able to understand her words.” 

A hand reaches out to caress Xie Lian's loose silky hair, tangling it between long fingers and twisting it gently. It is impossible not to seek those touches, as starved as she is, and Xie Lian lets herself shakily sigh. 

“Love is a very complex and apparently disturbing feeling. Although, if I'm honest with jiejie…” Hua Cheng whispers, her eye revealing a sea of ​​bright and gentle stars. “Love, in my opinion, is the most sublime and beautiful feeling of them all. No matter the pain or loss; It is important to enjoy it”

“Is that the same as God's unconditional love?” 

Hua Cheng bites her lips, seeming pensive. “It could be interpreted that way,” she repositions and glances at the window once again. “At least from jiejie's perspective, that meaning is possible.” 

The caresses persist, much slower and more deliberate than before, coordinating with the soft breathing that makes the novice's chest rise and fall. Xie Lian squints her eyes, taking advantage of the cool breeze and the ideas that one by one stir in her brain. It's the simple phrase: 'at least from jiejie's perspective, that meaning is possible' that flips a switch in her unconscious, where worldly problems and feelings reside. So, she takes the genuine opportunity and lets it out. 

“For me, love meant family,” she giggles wistfully, bringing one of her fingers to Hua Cheng's wrist. She leaves it there. “That unconditional affection towards my father and my mother; It's been ten years since I lost that meaning." 

She had thought that she could keep and bottle all that suffering, but it has become so great that she has finally overflowed. While she tried to hold it off until she could visit the abbess, perhaps a heart-to-heart with a friend would be a better option.

Xie Lian lies on her side, curled up and resting her head against the back of her right hand. “I wonder if I will ever be able to love again”

Something has fallen to the ground, the sound is not loud and it does not seem to be a heavy object either. Hua Cheng has accidentally kicked the notebook and pencil off the bed — she just hopes that none of the pages were damaged by the impact — as a result of his torso lowering until he is lying on the bed, in the same position as Xie Lian. 

This way they are facing each other. 

“But jiejie already does it,” Hua Cheng declares. 

That long raven hair, as dark and as bright as the starry night, spreads across the pillow and joins Xie Lian's own caramel strands of hair. The bed is a single, small one, so their bodies are very close away. 

Xie Lian, confused, raises her eyebrow. "How is that?"

Cold palms cradle both of her cheeks. “Jiejie loves flowers just like she loves cooking,” Hua Cheng starts and Xie Lian inevitably stops for at least two seconds. “She also loves writing and theology; mid-morning strolls in the garden, classical french songs and cute little kittens” 

She blinks, between confusion and astonishment. Judging by the heat on the back of her neck, she must be completely red. 

Hua Cheng doesn't give her time to answer and opens her mouth once again. “Love can be seen in different forms and situations, jiejie, it's just that what the poems allude to” she has discreetly moved forward, breath brushing against the tip of Xie Lian's nose. “Even if those she loved, her family, are not in this living plane anymore…jiejie should not fear.”

Xie Lian, enthralled by the aroma of nicotine and rooted in an intense unknown desire, lets her limbs seek refuge in the strong arms of the novice. There in the middle of the curfew, inside a room so old and so empty, wrapping herself in a peace that perhaps she once only managed to obtain inside the church. Or maybe further away in those precious days with her family.

“San Niang… I– ah,” she tries and fails.

“That love will be eternal; just like your love for those little things that make you happy”

Somehow, she ended up closing her arms around Hua Cheng's neck. Xie Lian is being pressed firmly against her chest, hidden under those rhythmic heartbeats, it's too intimate. That's when she lets the first tear fall, a watery trail that runs down her chin and there is no turning back. She's crying. 

She cries and cries, sobbing without limitations or rules to judge her. 

“Let it out, jiejie, everything will be fine.” 

And neither the most beautiful poem, nor the most powerful verse, could stir Xie Lian's senses like those simple words. She had to, out of the need to give thanks, detach her face from the novice's chest in order to look up.  

They lock eyes, amber meets darkness. 

Hua Cheng's thumb took the opportunity to wipe away the residue in the corners of her still wet eyes. Their faces are practically a few centimeters apart, nowhere near colliding. 

Xie Lian gives a small chuckle. “I must look like a complete mess,” voice shaky, she leans in at the slightest touch. There will be time to question her actions and reactions. “I don't know how to repay San Niang for everything she has done for me.” 

"With a smile"

She inhales loudly. "Eh?"

Hua Cheng grabs her chin. “Jiejie can pay me with a smile, I don't need anything else.”

Suddenly, they are kissing. 

At first it is difficult for Xie Lisn to react, puzzled and with her skin like burning fire, but there is something stronger inside that guides her to reciprocate. Reddish lips dance in unison with the softness of her own, it is the first time she has experienced something similar. A kiss so deep and at the same time so pure, typical of inexperience and attempt, they held delicately.

There are diffuse images of a book, with words that she cannot see clearly; Xie Lian leaves them aside and restrains herself from praying. Because, at least for now, the only thing she could do is thank God for such a blessed moment. 

She would implore that, if possible, it be eternal.

Maybe, and just maybe, there is a new meaning that has begun to blossom in some remote place. Just like jasmines during spring and white roses in autumn, so enthralling and divine.

And it is not until the beginning of dawn that the kiss comes to an end. Almost out of obligation and with no way to object, the time to start the routine is extremely close. They give themselves a space to catch their breath and digest what happened; Xie Lian is glancing right at Hua Cheng, who has placed a hand on her waist. 

At least the novice's expressions do not reveal an ounce of regret or discomfort. That dark eye lies bloom up and shines in its maximum splendor, exclaiming an aura totally pleased and content. This gives Xie Lian a certain security, even though there is a tangle of contradictions in her chest that are desperate to be addressed; uncertainty, doubt, happiness and guilt. She prefers to believe that they are the Almighty's own plans regarding her destiny, a destiny that he has so kindly allowed her and that is becoming more and more structured every day, just as the mother superior has told them. 

Yes, that must be it. 

Then, she decides to beam. 

“We should get some sleep before the bells ring,” she suggests, tucking the sheets up until both of their shoulders. 

If at any point there was some tinge of concern or expectation, it is quickly intercepted by drowsiness.

Hua Cheng holds Xie Lian closer, into a tight embrace and smiles. “Okay, but jiejie will have to wake me up,” she says jokingly. “If I had a mobile phone it would be so easy to set an alarm…”

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

What we believe to be a miracle could perhaps actually reveal a curse. 

Clinging to the railing of a balcony, it is still somewhat wet after the afternoon’s storm, analyzing the front yard and the gray car that is supposedly destined to transport Sister Nianqing and Jun Wu to the city. There is a meeting in the great cathedral; priests and bishops, also women with higher rank within the monastery and the most faithful monks. 

Xie Lian's veil moves with the rhythm of the wind waves, it is a little cold. Clearly the rest of the Sisters and herself have not been invited, but it is not a fact that affects her, so she takes the evening calmly and rests in one of the classrooms. This is a place intended only for aspirants within the novitiate period. 

That is to say, Hua Cheng is next to her. 

More specifically, the novice is behind Xie Lian and has her chin resting on top of her shoulder. Two long arms tightly enveloping her waist, as if it were the most normal and ordinary thing in the world, relaxing after having smoked two cigarettes. Of course, Hua Cheng is also taking a break from the last lectures on the ceremony where the monastic vows are sworn. Xie Lian was deceived, again.

They are just a few weeks away from the start of her consecration. 

“That cloud looks like a bun” Hua Cheng points towards some part of the sky. “Just like the ones jiejie usually prepares for me” 

Xie Lian has come to learn that it is not at all normal to kiss another woman. At least not in the eyes of the church and much less before the judgment of God. 

Since the first time they committed such an infraction they have not been able to stop; as if a switch had been crushed that night in her room and not even prayers were enough to prevent their lowly spirits from falling again. Of course, it was a special moment, the euphoria of the first kiss and the accumulated feelings spilling into tears. However, currently both Xie Lian and Hua Cheng look for any excuse to touch each other again and join their lips, taking every moment of privacy to do so. 

With a snicker, she rests her hand against Hua Cheng's skull and sighs. “But the buns I make don't look so pretty”

It is a struggle between desire and guilt, both seeking to dominate Xie Lian. For a girl who has been confined for ten years, devoured by religion and sadness, it may not be so easy to walk away from the forbidden apple. There is some affection, new feelings, that are also brought into play. 

Too hard. 

Hua Cheng gives her waist a playful squeeze. “Nonsense, jiejie's food is perfect.” 

“San Niang is the only one who believes it,” Xie Lian claims and turns around, getting trapped between the railing and Hua Cheng's body. “That's enough for me though” 

At least they haven't crossed any other boundaries.

“Let's go inside,” she says, slowly pushing the novice away and clearing her throat. “There are still a few points that I must explain to you” 

A really audible groan, Hua Cheng is pouting. 

“But I've already studied a lot for today,” she claims and tries to return to their previous position, extending her arms towards Xie Lian. “There are still two weeks left” 

She dodges them. “And that’s exactly why we must hurry,” a soft slap in Hua Cheng’s elbow. “Besides, this is the last session we will have. After this, all that remains is the purification process in the confessional and a talk with the abbess.” 

If it were another occasion, she might have melted under Hua Cheng's inviting gaze. It's something that has already happened before, once before the last mass of the day, so now she doesn't let herself be fooled so easily. She really should finish teaching before they waste any more time, it would not be favorable for the novitiate period to be extended due to some type of negligence. 

Hua Cheng clicks her tongue. “Okay, I guess you're right.” 

They both enter the classroom, but not before closing the glass door that connects to the balcony, and take their respective seats. The place is not as spacious and much less colorful; it has a total of three wooden desks, some shelves, a small blackboard, paintings of religious figures and a large cross hanging from a pillar near one of the corners. It is totally in accordance with the monastery's own aesthetics.

Xie Lian paces around between moments, throwing out all the previous knowledge from her own experience and from the manuals. Hua Cheng, for her part, has dedicated herself to listening, elbows resting on the desk and a sheet of paper in front, on which she occasionally writes things down. This is how at least an hour passes.

Finally the last study session has ended. 

Most likely, they will retire to their own chambers and begin to prepare to go to the choir. It is the only activity left for the day, except for dinner. This time there will be no mass, since the priest has already gone for the city and the altar boy must be resting. 

Yet, Hua Cheng seems to have other plans.

The classroom is located away from the communal space and the rooms; the nuns do not regularly walk around those halls, only the mother superior and the nuns assigned as professors. It means that they are in complete freedom and privacy. Xie Lian is about to pick up the few books she had checked out from her library, when two large hands grab the curves of her hips and spin her in the opposite direction. A glimpse of a flirtatious smile greets her, full of mischief. 

Her arms instinctively, even as an inner voice pleaded against it, found their place around Hua Cheng's shoulders. Xie Lian closes her eyes for an instant and at that moment a kiss is stolen from her lips, too short to be considered one. 

“Jiejie” the novice calls and she doesn't need to see Hua Cheng to recognize that the woman is pouting again. “Stay with me a little longer, don't leave.”

She had already used all her willpower out there on the balcony, she no longer has the heart to continue refusing such a request. 

So she agrees. “Okay, but it will only be for a few minutes.”

Between laughter and furtive touches, ignoring the harsh reality world and inside their own bubble. Trivial conversations that come and go, about different topics and from different positions, it is entertaining. It's something outside of rigid protocol, so genuine and real, there's no way to actually take the passing of time into consideration. In turn, they merge into a warm embrace that is overly comfortable to be dissolved so easily, offering small smooches whenever the situation warrants it. Whenever they wish for it. .

Xie Lian doesn't know what they are or what they represent. 

And there is a growing fear disguised under ignorance regarding that question, still it does not stop her from enjoying precious moments like these with Hua Cheng. It's like writing your own poetry in your own flesh, the papers are themselves and the words are their actions. 

“San Niang…” she whispers against the other's wet mouth, trembling legs and glassy eyes. “I respect your opinion, but I still think that physical evidence is not necessary to believe in miracles. It is spiritual, not empirical." 

A kiss.

Hua Cheng blows a puff of hot air. “A miracle then could also be called a stroke of good luck” 

Another kiss, this time deeper than the last. 

She's running out of air.

“But–” Xie Lian fails to speak, because her legs are grabbed by the novice and suddenly her feet no longer touch the floor. 

Thighs on either side of Hua Cheng's hips, heels interlocked behind a tiny waist and fingers gripped tightly into the flesh of strong shoulders. It is the first time that Xie Lian is carried by another person, so she is afraid of falling. This fear disappears as she is carefully placed on top of a desk, with Hua Cheng making a place for herself between Xie Lian’s shamefully spread and half-naked legs. Her robe somehow ended up gathering up to the top of her thighs, Xie Lian is blushing furiously. 

“I'm paying attention, jiejie,” Hua Cheng argues and then proceeds to trace the contour of her jaw with her mouth. “Please keep talking.”

Xie Lian attempts to, she really does, but it is impossible when there are lips brushing her skin and teeth biting into areas that now have been exposed.

“Spiritual presence is–” a faint whisper and a muffled sound. If Xie Lian could die of shame, she definitely would have done it by now. “It’s– ah, enough proof to…”  

Although they have been sneaking away to kiss secretly for almost two months, this is something completely different and totally new within the imaginary agreement they have established. It is lewd and indecorous, too sloopy and not at all proper; Xie Lian should push Hua Cheng to the side and run away from there, hide inside the chapel and pray for a long time, then lock herself in her room until it's time to go to the choir. But she stays, she isn't capable of getting away and her body seems to not want to stop. 

Just like that piercing feeling caught in her heart. 

So, she allows Hua Cheng to nibble at her earlobe as she pleases, let those long calloused fingers — the palpable definition of hard work and a somewhat complicated life — outline every inch of her torso. It's addictive, how between moments she rises up to kiss her and cup her cheeks as if Xie Lian were the most precious thing in the world. The most important thing she has in life. Xie Lian takes it and chews it, even if it is a hallucination to justify what is happening right now. 

I’m sorry, she mutters to herself. 

Her robe is slowly taking apart, opening just like that source of heat inside Xie Lian. 

“Jiejie” velvety voice with a touch of what could be desperation. "Can I…?"

Blinded by lust, one never believed to possess, she nods and submits to fate. 

It is at that moment that the fine line and all of the limits are broken. Xie Lian is not in her right mind to think clearly, there is no logical and reasonable record in her brain. That faint voice that warned her is no longer present. She doesn't know if it's the novice's gaze or the way her strokes hit the right spots, but everything feels so good and so far from being something bad, that Xie Lian lets herself be carried away by the waves of pleasure and affection. She has never felt so alive. 

Her breasts are exposed.

Xie Lian freezes.

A self-conscious hit of realization. Panicked limbs try to cover her chest, hide it and keep it away from that intense gaze. However, it is useless, because her tits are bigger than her own hand and she is unable to completely envelop them. But that's not all, under those mounds you can see the curves of an exuberant body in its maximum sense, the width and the narrowness. 

It's not the same as being in the bathtub, where Xie Lian can pretend that her body is nothing more than a petal floating against the current of the water. The realness of nudity and intimacy, confronted with the fervent longing to be touched and taken.

Luckily for her, Hua Cheng quickly manages to catch her wobbly gaze. A hand takes hers. 

“Jiejie,” she murmurs. “I must be honest with you” 

And the hand that has been left behind finds its way along Xie Lian's belly, tracing delicate lines until it reaches the crease under her breasts. Palm heavy and a little cold, at the same time it is responsible for burning every fiber of the flesh that it finds. Yet, the novice does not dare to go further. 

“I have disrespected you, a lot” Hua Cheng takes a moment to gather, perhaps, courage. “Since the first time we bathed together. I– I have dreamed of your body, I have desired it. I have imagined what it would be like to see it again and how it would feel to be able to defile it” a sneaky glance towards her torso. “I'm sorry, I know it is inappropriate. But jiejie is mesmerizing and I couldn't help myself.”

Xie Lian has to hold tight on to the wood beneath her to prevent herself from faltering, repressing a gasp as her cheeks turn a bright crimson. Flames are pooling at a very embarrassing zone, she senses something sticky there. Really, she should reprimand the novice and send her to the confessional, point out that lust is not okay, that imagining obscene scenes is not allowed. However, the only thing Xie Lian actually does is to kiss Hua Cheng. 

Fear has turned to ashes. 

“San Niang must not apologize to me”

Because she is not the one Hua Cheng failed to.

Xie Lian licks her lips and says it. “I allow you to do whatever you want with me…”

There is no turning back.

Hua Cheng fondles and pinches every inch of her big breasts, concentrating on squeezing the darkish nipple. Xie Lian has no idea how such things can produce pleasure, the only thing she can register is the way the novice makes a work of art with her body and the filthy sounds escaping her own mouth. At some point, it is not only about hands, but the kisses have traveled through a humid landscape until they reach the two great mountains and settle there. Moist thin lips, wet tongue and sharp teeth take over Xie Lian and ravishes every single pure spot. She doesn't even care if there are marks left on her skin, at least not for now, because all she wants is to continue being adored. 

Things escalate even more. 

Xie Lian helps Hua Cheng out of her robe, like a possessed woman, with the sole objective of admiring those toned muscles and that whitish skin, so different from her own. At this point it only matters to succumb to primitive pleasure. Free will is certainly dangerous and being hidden under four remote walls is a great advantage that supports the whole situation. As a result, she lets herself go and enjoys the essence of the forbidden nectar. Xie Lian has become just a body on fire that cries for more of those fingers running through it. 

Just blink and the scene changes. 

A trace of saliva guides like a treasure map, for those graces that, apparently, has taken a new direction. Xie Lian whines, loud and clear, noticing that Hua Cheng's head is now between her thighs. She embarrassingly manages to discern a damp smear on her own underwear, right in the center of it. A stain too visible not to be noticed by the woman near it.

The tip of a finger tentatively presses against that warm spot. “Jiejie is soaking wet.”

Shame sweeps through Xie Lian, yet she cannot look away from it. Overly attentive to every tiny movement. 

“Don't worry,” Hua Cheng assures, that same finger catching on the hem of her garment. “I will take responsibility for this” 

Underwear falls somewhere on the floor, the cold air graces against her most intimate area. Bare and open for the predator sight, plush flesh blooming a pinkish blush on the inner thighs. In the middle of those shapely legs there is a protruding dark brown pubic hair, coated with fluids, modestly hiding the folds of her pussy. Hua Cheng hasn't cast her eye away from it ever since it was revealed. Xie Lian feels exposed 

“San Niang–” 

She is not given time to find words, as a wet tongue runs along the drenched slit, gathering all the slick that has accumulated there and feeding on her cunt. Hua Cheng lets out a delighted grunt, firmly diving her nails onto Xie Lian's buttocks and holding her there, licking and sucking vigorously from her clitoris to her virginal entrance. Sloppy slurping sounds can be heard, not subtle at all, and even Xie Lian herself is a bundle of high pitched moans and sighs. She has no knowledge about sexual acts, but what the novice does feels very good.

For God’s sake, Xie Lian has never even masturbated before  and each sensation is completely different from the last; Xie Lian is like an clear empty canvas and Hua Cheng is the artist in charge of creating a new painting, giving color to the blank spaces and teaching her the art of melting into carnal desire. 

She is gone and her head only perceives the electricity that runs through her veins, too busy watching how Hua Cheng eats her pussy out. Even so, the index finger that goes deep inside her does not go unnoticed. Xie Lian gasps in surprise, accidentally tangling her fingers a little bit too harshly in Hua Cheng's hair. 

“Don't be afraid, jiejie” Hua Cheng’s face lifts just a little, panting loudly. “I will make sure you don't feel pain” 

And Xie Lian believes in her, because Hua Cheng would never lie. 

This is how her chastity fades into a mess of whimpers and a broken vow; a finger goes in and out with deliciously slow movements, careful enough to adapt the wet walls to the new intrusion, interspersed with that tongue that has not yet left her clit and that sucks with more and more intensity. Xie Lian senses a couple of tears overflowing from the corners of her eyes, no longer representing sadness, and she can't help but pull Hua Cheng's head closer. 

One finger suddenly becomes two and two fingers becomes four. Although at first it seemed strange to have something inside and for this something to also pierce the tender flesh repeatedly, all the objections were forgotten when her walls began to tickle and vibrate with each of Hua Cheng’s thrusts. At some point Xie Lian even found herself whispering ‘more’ in the other’s ear, so the novice took the opportunity to give a new rhythm and stabbed Xie Lian’s now reddish pussy with her thick fingers, wilder and completely ruthless. 

“You're doing well, jiejie” Hua Cheng encourages her with a hoarse voice, incidentally blowing air into her cunt. Xie Lian cries. “So good for me, taking me so well…”

It is too much, Xie Lian is no longer able to formulate coherent sentences. Hua Cheng is devouring and festing on her clitoris like it is her last meal, mercilessly pumping her fingers and stabbing Xie Lian’s insides with a lustful venom, causing her walls to contract between moments. A pool of heat writhes deep inside her belly, she feels like something is about to happen down there. It's almost like the feeling of wanting to pee, only that it is mixed up with the tickling of her walls. By now, she’s kind of sure that there is some kind of erogenous zone hidden there, because Hua Cheng is touching something in particular during each thrust that rushes out a new wave of slick and makes her shout. 

“San Niang – I,” she tries to say, stuttering. A moan settles on the tip of her tongue. “You have to– you have to let go of me…I think– I think I want to go to the bathroom”

These words instead of causing the desired effect does quite the opposite, as Hua Cheng accelerates her movements fiercely. A few seconds after that, Xie Lian goes blank, a sensation extremely strong to keep the grip on the wooden surface and she loses balance. Her head snaps back and her body falls limp onto the desk. 

“Congratulations, jiejie,” Hua Cheng says, slowly removing her fingers and taking a few last licks along the wetness. “You just had your first orgasm” she gets up from between her legs and places herself in the middle of them, but this time with her face at the level of Xie Lian's head. 

The novice looks disheveled, a wet chin and tangled hair. 

The first thing she thinks to ask is: “Did San Niang also have an orgasm?” 

Hua Cheng chuckles and leans over to kiss her, she tastes salty. “Not yet” Xie Lian's lower area throbs again. “I need to touch myself to be able to do it.” 

Somehow that seems unfair to Xie Lian, she has received all the attention from Hua Cheng and thanks to that she has been able to go to the climax. The novice must feel just as affected, heated by the lust and passion, it would be impolite just to leave her like that. This is why she dares, from innocence, to ask a second question: 

"There is no other way?" Xie Lian mutters, even though it would probably be better to just leave it there and feign insanity. “One where I can participate too”

A mischievous smile. “There is,” Hua Cheng responds immediately, grabbing one of Xie Lian's legs and placing it over her shoulder. “But I wouldn't want to be a bother to jiejie” 

In any case, they have already crossed the limits. 

“San Niang is not a bother…” she assures. “We still have time before the chorus” judging by the hue of the sky, sunset is still far away. 

“In that case,” Hua Cheng adjusts and pulls Xie Lian’s body towards hers. Only there is she able to identify the novice's lower area, also covered by a thin layer of hair, and now it is right at the height of her own pulsating pussy. “Bear with me a little” 

That’s when she manages to confirm that both of them are equally affected; Hua Cheng is dripping wet and it feels hot. A new swing begins.

Hua Cheng's humidity collides against Xie Lian's throbbing opening without leniency, rubbing and humping like two animals in heat. It's different than having fingers prodding inside her cunt, but it's no less pleasant. The novice grunts and sighs under her breath every time her hips thrust against Xie Lian’s moist pussy, over and over again, sometimes playing with Xie Lian's tits, biting and pinching them as they bounce with each pounding. Their cunts intermingle and spread fluids everywhere, even onto the poor desk, folds brushing against each other as well as Hua Cheng’s clit stroking hers every time their hips meet. 

It is a majestic folklore that unites their bodies, they don't last long like that. 

Xie Lian arches her back and cries as she feels a second orgasm approaching. She lets it out with Hua Cheng's chest pressed against her heavy breasts, the woman mumbles words of encouragement against her bruised neck. Hua Cheng herself cums after a few seconds and shivers in Xie Lian’s embrace. 

They remain silent for a long time, bodies totally flaccid and soft, the lust slowly wearing off and evaporating with the sun. 

Between the realization of what they just did and the sudden panic, Xie Lian clings to Hua Cheng's back and turns her head to the side. It is a poor attempt at escape, which at the same time refuses to let go and regain composure. She ends up looking in the direction of the large pillar standing proudly in the corner of the classroom, where a big cross confronts her. 

A tender peck. “Lets get us clean, jiejie” Hua Cheng says after a while and starts to get off, stretching her arms and turning around to, probably, search for their clothes. “I wonder what we will have for dinner today…”

Xie Lian stops listening. 

Something eerie and crushing presses against her chest, blooming like black darkness. She faces the numerous paintings around them; the eyes of the Holy Mary watch over her with disdain and the proof of Christ's sacrifice is there to rebuke the guilty, passing through Xie Lian's flesh and bones. It is a mere paranoid hallucination, the paintings are nothing more than inanimate objects, but being naked in front of them is like serving herself on a silver platter for the final judgment. 

She has sinned.

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

Knees crippled and pressed against the wood, there is a burning that prevents her from blinking, amber eyes red and injected with fatigue. The rosary beads run over her fingertips frantically, it's the fourth time, but Xie Lian doesn't believe her mind can measure the exhaustion and her legs don't appear to wish to get up either. The only thing she does is pray. 

The great cross covers her figure with its shadow, right in front and in the middle of the altar. She then prays and prays, reciting from memory the fragment of a verse; 'and forgive us our trespassers, as we forgive those who trespassed against us', it sounds like a broken record. 

Was it wrong? Or is it right? It's too hard to get a concrete answer. An answer that frees her from overthinking.

She hasn't seen Hua Cheng for a whole week. 

Xie Lian gets up at six in the morning, she goes to the choir and then proceeds to have breakfast with the rest of the Sisters; mass is part of the routine, she continues taking care of the garden and in the afternoons she dedicates herself to praying in the chapel. From time to time Xie Lian decides to simply lock herself inside the chambers and read, devouring each page of the Bible until she is tired. At six in the afternoon Xie Lian returns to the choir, the cycle repeats, and she sleeps right at the beginning of curfew. In all this account there is no empty space to admit the presence of the novice. 

Unlike the past, one so distant and at the same time so close. Just a week ago. 

Xie Lian sighs shakily. 

“Sister Lian,” a hand rests subtly on her shoulder. In response, her body jumps slightly, the rosary slips from her fingers and falls loudly against the floor. 

It is Jun Wu, who has taken a seat next to her.

“Abbess,” Xie Lian murmurs, scratching one cheek nervously. 

It is not strange that the mother superior came to the chapel during these hours and nor that she greeted everyone inside it, it is actually something very common. However, a somewhat peculiar thing is glimpsed in her gaze. The woman remains silent, she simply smiles at Xie Lian and slowly leans forward to the front, extending one arm to pick up the object that lies fallen at her feet. Although what she really picks up are only small pearls and a cross, since the impact caused the hallowed necklace to break. The rosary is ruined. 

Jun Wu squints. 

“The Lord has granted us great blessings this year’s spring, the crops are thriving,” she says and gestures for Xie Lian to stop kneeling. She complies and takes a seat, smoothing the end of her robe. “Even so, the Sister seems to be crestfallen and has transferred her melancholy to the flowers in the garden.” 

Xie Lian flinches. “I – ah, maybe I've been distracted these last few days” she decides to lie, even though it's not entirely false. 

They have really been heavy and difficult days, her mind has been far from the earth, wandering around that little box of twisted thoughts that she still cannot understand. So, technically, she truly has been sort of distracted and doing her tasks practically in automatics.

The abbess hums, rattling the pearls gathered in her palm. “I am a simple human of flesh and blood, but God has given me the gift of listening for a reason,” Jun Wu begins and she has not stopped smiling since her arrival. “Sister, hiding the penalties does nothing but harm your performance. It will be better if you tell me what is happening" 

“I wouldn't want to take up your time,” Xie Lian excuses herself and tries to laugh it off, but she isn’t capable.

“Everything has its time, Ecclesiastes 3.1 4:11” Jun Wu recites with serenity. “For now, my time is yours. We have already had a similar session before, do not restrict yourself now” 

Indeed, they had a similar session in the past. The last time Xie Lian went to seek Jun Wu's help was during the anniversary of her parents' death last year. At that time she talked about an important topic; but was this important enough now? Or, rather, would her story be received well? Because the chances of being sent to confinement are very high. 

Still, the confusion and guilt are eating away at her insides. Piece by piece, breaking her core, she is no longer able to bear it. Furthermore, she could skip the facts and focus on the real questions, on finally verbalizing her conflict. 

Then, she starts. "I have sinned" 

“Oh, is that true?” there's a glow that tinkles in the Abbess's orbs, for some reason, and it sends shivers down Xie Lian’s spine. “If so, the confessional will be open before mass this afternoon. God is benevolent and the Sister is a pure soul, whatever she has done will be forgiven." 

The word purity resonates in Xie Lian’s head, like a hammer tormenting her hard skull. That is precisely one of the things that worries her the most. 

She is quick to say. “The Bible represents the word of our Lord, his wishes regarding mortals” she must stop for a second to take a breath of air. “But how can we be sure that everything written there is true? Or, how can I realize what is wrong and what is right?” her voice is trembling as well as her body. “How can I know that sins are real sins?” 

Jun Wu interrupts, placing her palms onto the back of Xie Lian's shaky hands. “Faith” she states. “Belief is rooted in our faith. "The one who believes in God and the one who glorifies the saints should not fear uncertainty; faith makes the word of the Almighty live and be real." 

Xie Lien remains silent for a moment, thinking. 

A tortuous pressure settles in the center of her chest as the raw realization of it hits her hard, like a devastating wave crashing against the seashore. She never thought it would reach such a point.

“Abbess…” she calls, not even daring to meet the woman's gaze. She prefers to keep her eyes wandering far away, on the wall next to her. 

“What is it, my child” 

“What do I do if I no longer have faith?” she ends up asking.

Jun Wu's hands freeze, Xie Lian is ready to face the consequences. 

Although, this quickly changes to the woman's natural state; a handshake that is meant to be comforting and an impeccable smile. As if nothing had happened and Xie Lian had not claimed to be losing her belief. Her faith. In fact, the Abbess's expressions are much gentler now — though her gentleness doesn't seem genuine — and she has the nerve to laugh. 

“That's impossible, Siste,” Jun Wu says. “You have been here for ten years and your heart belongs to our Lord, you have never had a problem expressing your faith” each word spoken with emphasis. “Guilt must be producing nonsense in your head, we are just simple sinful mortals. Don't give it too much thought” 

Xie Lian understands her point, but there is still an urge to contradict. “Well, maybe I don't belong to this world anymore.” 

Suddenly, her wrists are grabbed with force and she is obligated to turn around. There is Jun Wu.

The smile has finally fallen from her perfect face. 

“This place is your home, Sister Lian,” the abbess points out, Xie Lian does not have enough strength to break free from the grip. “If you leave, you would be turning her back on God, the one who so delicately gave you comfort. Furthermore, if you really decide to leave this place, who will you turn to outside?”

That last sentence is like a dagger that stabs mercilessly into her skin, slicing the meat layer by layer until it reaches her heart. Because Jun Wu is actually right; outside the convent and ecclesiastical life there is nothing for her, there is no one waiting for Xie Lian and she has no place to go. 

“As I said before, your home is here.” 

Xie Lian swallows hard, trying to ignore the lump that has formed in her throat and the way the corners of her eyes burn again. 

She nods. “The abbess is right, this is my home…”

Jun Wu smiles pleased and finally lets go of Xie Lian's wrists. “I'm glad your mind has cleared, sister” this time, she sounds genuinely satisfied. “Still, don't forget to visit the confessional before mass. Otherwise you will not be able to participate in communion” 

There seems to be no way to interpret the world any other way. At least not for her.

Xie Lian rises from the stool as the abbess leaves the chapel, the pearls from her ancient rosary having been carefully deposited in one of the pockets of her robe. If her cheeks feel wet and there is a watery trail in the line of her dark circles, she pretends not to have noticed. 

The priest must be about to open the confessional and Xie Lian decides to take Jun Wu's advice. Maybe this way she will feel better.

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

A faint aroma of olibanum incense, intoxicating and supposedly welcoming; the sky is starless tonight. It's very depressing, too empty. Still, Xie Lian leans against the window and pretends to touch the leaves falling from a large oak tree that stands tall above the building.

Lately she has started suffering from insomnia. 

Out of the corner of her eye she catches a notebook resting on the bed, they are her own notes. Albeit, a yellowish leaf protrudes from there, ones that do not belong to the notebook. There's no need to investigate to find out what it is. 

A beautiful drawing of some white roses, which finally found an owner. It's a pity that Xie Lian hasn't dared to admire them since that incident. 

“Ah…” she whispers. 

Beyond a simple drawing, it is the one who made it that makes her heart flutter. 

Xie Lian merely takes the booklet and hides it inside the drawer on the nightstand. She later closes the window and draws the curtains, there is no point in continuing to lament at the moon. She has already prayed and implored enough, yet miracles were not found and did not occur. Expending energy will only drive away drowsiness even further. 

Over the course of the past week Xie Lian visited the mother superior a good number of times, she expressed every one of her thoughts and every one of her doubts. Xie Lian believed that, perhaps, by being listened to, her feeling of incompleteness would disappear. She was very wrong, talking to Jun Wu didn't help at all. Everything felt too forced. Extremely false. After the fifth attempt she stopped looking for the woman, Xie Lian realized that the sadness would not go away. 

After all, every single conversation would always end in a reminder. Where she belongs and who she should worship; she already knows it by heart. At this point the words of encouragement have transformed into a reinforcement speech.

Xie Lian purses her lips into a straight line.

“I better go to sleep…” she had nothing left but to talk to herself. 

And Xie Lian is about to go to bed, but a knock on the door distracts her from the main goal. The memory of similar nights quickly projects a series of images in her head; those of reddish lips against hers and raven hair. 

She stands paralyzed, staring at the wood and her ears are ringing. It is inevitable that her heart beats rapidly, anticipation and fear, it could be a simple coincidence and despite that she has the feeling that it is quite the opposite. 

A few minutes must have passed, because the door rings again. This time the blows are much more insistent, probably as a result of the lack of a response. 

Her assumption is instantly confirmed.

“Jiejie…” a velvety, raspy voice begs, the same one she hasn't heard for exactly two weeks. 

Treacherous feet betray her and move on their own will, without giving her a space to be able to analyze the situation. But how could Xie Lian not react in such a way? When Hua Cheng is just inches away and she sounds so hurt. Only a soulless being would be able to turn around and leave her there. 

Xie Lian just can’t do that. 

So, she opens the door.

“San Niang…” she murmurs mirthlessly. 

The view she receives is that of a young woman with a complicated expression, a dull and dark eye, there is a suitcase secured under one of her arms. It is physically impossible for a person to change so much in a very short period of time, despite that Hua Cheng does not look the same as the last time they were together. 

In fact, the novice is not even wearing her habit nor the corresponding veil. The long strands of dark hair cascade down to the height of her shoulders, she looks gorgeous, but Hua Cheng is not properly uniformed. Although, maybe the explanation refers to the fact that it is night and all the nuns take off their regulatory clothing to sleep. 

It must be that. 

"What are you doing here?" she asks and it's supposed to be a scolding, but what ends up leaving her lips is a weak whisper.

There's no response, so she tries again and this time changes tactics. 

“You should be sleeping, you can't be hanging around.” Xie Lian subconsciously approaches Hua Cheng to take her by the shoulders, but she stops when she notices her actions. Xie Lian ends up clearing her throat. “Tomorrow you must get up early and swear your monastic vows, everything is ready for the ceremony. You know that the mother superior is a perfectionist woman and–” 

This time, she is interrupted. “I am not going to take monastic vows”

Of all the possible answers, that one is definitely not among the imaginary deck that Xie Lian had posed in her mind. Even so, the answer probably was always there and she overlooked it in shock. Otherwise, why would Hua Cheng come to her room with a suitcase in her hands?

Withal, Xie Lian frantically tries to reason with the novice. “You've finished the novitiate, the next step is the vows” worried brows and voice rolling off words slowly. She repeats. “All the arrangements have been made and the ceremony will take place in the morning…”

There's simply no way Hua Cheng does not take the vows, it is impossible. Once the decision is made there’s no going back, one has to consecrate to God and dedicate one's life to the convent, the process is always the same; poverty, chastity, obedience and cloister. 

Hua Cheng takes a deep breath. “I'm leaving, jiejie” 

Xie Lian stiffens, blood rushes out of her face and hands grips tightly at the silk of her pajamas. 

There must be a problem with her ear canal, she couldn't have heard it properly. Regardless of pointless denial, something dark and painful takes the air away from her. If before Xie Lian’s heart was beating with madness and anticipation, now it has most likely stopped for a microsecond. 

"Why?" she just asks. 

“I just don't like this lifestyle.” 

She asks again. "Why?"

If Xie Lian cannot interpret and swallow the world outside of Catholicism and church life, how is it so easy for others to do so? She doesn't get it. The process should always be the same.

Hua Cheng drops the suitcase on the floor. “Jiejie” 

There is a tinge of sadness covering the woman's sharp features, as if there was something to sympathize with. If Xie Kian were someone else, and if she were in a place very far from here, maybe it would be easy to reach out and caress Hua Cheng’s cheek. 

But she can't do it, she can't keep sinning.  

"I love you"

Two words. 

And each one is like a crush that attacks the crystal glass where Xie Lian carefully hid her feelings. She has broken, just like her rosary that time. It's shattered. Again, she's sure she couldn't have heard Hua Cheng right. 

Footsteps approach in her direction, Hua Cheng's face is illuminated by the only rays of moonlight that come through the curtains. It is dangerous.

“Jiejie…” she stops herself, just a few centimeters away from entering Xie Lian's personal space. She is careful not to cross that fine imaginary line and it seems that she is taking a moment to gather her thoughts. 

Xie Lian recoils back, like a hurt kitten, feeling so small and vulnerable; the longing for a pure and sincere affection, as great as that which she one day experienced when her soul was fully aware of happiness. Xie Lian has achieved it now, again, she has it in front of her, but she cannot accept it. Her ankles inevitably hit the bed and she almost fell on the mattress. 

However, Hua Cheng catches her 

A pleading tone. “Run away with me” and the tip of one of Hua Cheng’s fingers dares to touch the back of her hand, just like during the afternoons in the garden when they took a stroll holding hands. It used to be so natural. “Let's escape from here and move to the city, I have a couple of friends there and–”

Xie Lian squirms and loosens the grasp, seeking shelter next to the large closet on the corner. 

"No!" a scream, panic running through her veins. “I can't leave this place, I don't want to.” 

Her conversation with Jun Wu replays in her brain on a loop. Xie Lian also remembers the tears of that heartbroken girl in front of two stone tombs, looking up to the sky in search of an answer. God kept her under his wings when she was about to give up; the monastery became the only place to live. Not only had her parents died, but Xie Lian had been stripped of all her belongings to settle a debt that fell in her name. If she doesn't stay here, she will be nothing. 

She shakes her head, again and again, gazing downwards. “My commitment and purpose in life is with the Almighty” her voice echoes throughout the room, she is hyperventilating. “I– I can only love him and I can only be under his protection. I have no reason to run away and you should reconsider that decision. It's not too late to repent." 

“The only thing I would regret would be to stay here and spend a life full of lies” although the words are forceful and serious, Hua Cheng maintains a peaceful face. As if she is afraid of scaring Xie Lian. “Jiejie, listen to yourself, you have been brainwashed. You can't really believe there aren't any more options for you in this world"

She is grateful that the walls of the room are thick enough, otherwise the noise would have already woken up more than one Sister. 

A counterattack, like a magic piece that hides and denies reality.

“I have not been brainwashed, the abbess is a cultured woman and she has helped me a lot on this spiritual path. I was just confused, but this decision is totally mine. This is my place, this is where I belong”

“The abbess just wants a good successor for when she leaves,” Hua Cheng counters. 

Suddenly, the corner is too narrow and the wood of the closet too uncomfortable to lean her body against. But it's really not that. It is the fact that Hua Cheng always has arguments that reset her psyche, distorting what Xie Lian already thought had been resolved and what she had never even considered to rethink.

Xie Lian arches an eyebrow, unsure of taking a step forward. Hua Cheng also shows no signs of planning any movement. Yet, their gazes meet. 

“San Niang, I don’t get it at all,” she says. “If you despise the religious community, even going to the lengths of questioning the words of God” Xie Lian is a coward, using hindsight slant. As if she hasn’t done the same thing. “Why did you even apply as a novice? It's contradicting"

She has come to the conclusion that each of the Sisters of this convent came for a reason, beyond the divine call, that prompted them to devote themselves and leave all behind. Whether devastating or admirable; there is always a switch that turns on the flame and ignites the need to belong. 

So, for obvious reasons, she is curious. 

Hua Cheng averts the gaze to the ground and her shoulders visibly droop. “I…had no idea what to do with my life,” she begins. “I spent four years at university, studying fine arts, and worked together with a friend, He Xuan. Some little commission here and there, painting pictures for rich people and paying rent for a small apartment. I wasn't doing badly, but I didn't feel satisfied." 

There is a period of silence, the only audible sound being the tapping of the oak branches against the glass and the wind fluttering a couple of leaves. Xie Lian takes a quick glance at the clock hanging just above the bed, it's two in the morning. 

It is the first time that the novice relates a passage from her past, so she dares to remain still and listen carefully. 

“I realized that I was tired, I didn't want to work and I couldn't just stop working either; Being a functional adult demands income and sacrifices. Also, recently I was involved in a street fight and lost my eye” Hua Cheng shrugs and wrinkles her nose. “Don't get me wrong, that day I was with my friends leaving the bar and we saw some guys harassing a girl. I interfered, one of them had a knife. I ended up in the hospital” 

“San Ni–”

Hua Cheng stops Xie Lian, most likely thinking she was about to be cut off. So, she summarizes. “One day a client told me about his daughter; a nun. He told me that life in the monastery was simple. A free bed and food in exchange for praying for a couple of hours in a church” a breathless chuckle. “So, I figured I wouldn't lose anything by trying. That's when I applied to this place” 

It is selfish reasoning, but under a noble and hard-working file. However, there is a small detail that still does not fit into the equation, a missing piece of information that has always caused noise.

Xie Lian inhales shakily, rejecting the urge of running into those arms. To hold and to be held. 

Instead, she says. “Then you don't believe in God.” 

“No, I don't” 

Now everything makes sense. 

“And I have been a lesbian ever since I knew what the word lesbian meant” Hua Cheng adds with no shame and looking proud. Still, she huffs. “I should have been smarter, it was obvious that coming here would be a big mistake.” 

“Maybe God sent you on this path to find a way to rectify yourself, San Niang…”

“I don't need to rectify myself,” she murmurs.

After that, everything happens in slow motion. 

The suitcase scattered on the floor is rearranged as is the pack of cigarettes that escaped from inside it. Hua Cheng turns her back on Xie Lian, carrying her only belongings, a cruel parallel to that first moment she met her. This time, Xie Lian's legs do not betray and do not think on their own. She does not dare to walk and reach Hua Cheng’s side. 

Although her heart beats and bleeds, crying out for mercy. Xie Lian just clings to her own chest and hopes that it will be enough to ease her pain. It is not. 

One, two and three steps. They stop. 

Hua Cheng looks at her over her shoulder, it is the ghost of hope that, perhaps, at some point gave her the courage to appear before her door. 

“I must correct something I said before,” she mutters softly. “It was not a mistake to come to this place. This is where I met you and this is where I fell in love with you” that ends up squeezing Xie Lian's soul. “I love you, jiejie and I apologize for doing so. I'm not going to force you to follow me, but I'm glad I was able to let you know that you are loved." 

'Love, in my opinion, is the most sublime and beautiful feeling of all. No matter the pain or loss; It is important to enjoy it’ a distant memory, that is what she recalls. 

Nowadays, she can already understand it. 

“San Niang – I, ah, I can't” 

Hua Cheng smiles, teeth showing for the first time. “It's okay, jiejie, you don't have to do anything. Thank you for giving me a piece of your time, I will cherish it forever.”

Without realizing it, Xie Lian has been holding her breath. She only comes back to reality when she notices that the novice — or rather the ex-novice — is about to open the door, ready to take her own path. 

This really is the end. 

“Oh, one last thing.” 

Something like anticipation pools at the bottom of her aching stomach, where acidic bile has been swirling. Nonetheless, the information Xie Lian receives is completely shocking.

“Jun Wu has an affair with Mei Nianqing; I discovered them by accident three days ago. They pretend to be righteous in front of everyone, when they really have lesbian sex in secret” Hua Cheng clicks her tongue and sighs, turning the handle. “I must admit that they almost managed to fool me, they use good manipulation tactics”

“No…that, how can it be possible?”

Hua Cheng already has one foot out of the room, yet she answers. “Jiejie, think carefully” there is not a hint of malice or disdain. “Is it really that bad? Or is that what they want us to believe? I've told jiejie before, the Bible is just a book that has been distorted from generation to generation." 

With that, the woman vanishes into the hallway and the door closes. She has been left alone again.

Xie Lian's legs give out and fall to her knees against the hard floor. She's being over the top, letting out such a childish reaction, but, ironically, she doesn't own her tears or the painful emptiness that has left a hole in her soul. One of her hands feels across her chest in search of the rosary, there she realizes that it no longer exists, so she remains motionless and blurs her gaze towards nothing. 

Hua Cheng is gone, she is about to pass through the big gate and leave for the city. Xie Lian did nothing to stop her, she hid next to a closet and was limited to reproaching for her lack of faith, even though Xie Lian herself has already lost it. She has no right to cry and feel devastated, she is just a coward who is full of guilt and remorse. 

“San Niang” Xie Lian calls, but no one answers. 

Only two minutes have passed, but for her time is frozen in an eternity spiral. 

And there is a part of herself that had already registered the abbess's intentions. She knows that this woman is just using her; Jun Wu has tried to mold Xie Lian into her likeness and the perfection she tries to aspire to. A totally false kind appearance, from which an aggressive and icy aura emerges, the admiration that she once had no longer exists. Jun Wu is a big factor in her emotional dependence on the monastery. 

Xie Lian grabs her head between her hands. 

She was in a frail and convalescent state when the church took her in. An unprocessed duel, a vagabond and at the young age of eighteen. She did not even have the opportunity to continue studying, to pursue a degree in philosophy as she longed for in her adolescence. Maybe it was her weak mental stability that made her repress sadness and dissatisfaction for ten years. 

Slowly, she plants her palms against the floor and stands up. The elastic that was holding her hair slips off, brown locks waves in the cool early midnight breeze at the sudden freedom. That oak tree keeps knocking on the window. 

Furthermore, she spent weeks in a decline and believing she had touched the abyss. Just for having fallen in love and having enjoyed love. She became convinced, they convinced her, that she had sinned and she cut Hua Cheng out of her life. Just like right now. When the mother superior herself maintains a homosexual relationship, she is the one who repeated to Xie Lian a thousand times that her commandments must be followed to the letter as well as the word of God. In reality, Jun Wu had been justifying her own existence. The Bible really is a book created by mortal man, not by God. 

Xie Lian hurries to take out the notebook from the bedside table and opens it, tearing off a clean sheet of paper to start writing. It's the first time her handwriting looks unbalanced, but she doesn't have time to check her calligraphy. There’s only a worn pencil that she got from the bookstore to be use. All she wants is to finish the letter and walk in her shoes. 

God is an entity that lives in the heavens, he is not a writer and much less a priest. Everything that is learned from the writings of the monks is only that; the experience of a person who was taught by another person. Xie Lian can finally understand it. Through tears and lamentations, she has found the answer. 

She leaves the room in a hurry, there is no need to check the closet. There's nothing of value there, just her tunic and the old habit. Of course, they are her clothes and what she wears every day. Albeit, Xie Lian won't need them anymore, at least she won't if she achieves her goal. The Abbess's room is on the other side of the hallway, at the opposite end of the bathrooms. 

If her mother and father were there, maybe things would have been different. They are not and they will not be able to return to her side either. Despite this, if her family had to give her advice, it would definitely point to Xie Lian pursuing her dreams. From her late mother's own words: 'A-Lian, my only wish is for you to be happy.' After this she will be sure to take a tour of the cemetery, it is time to bring some white roses to her parents. 

The uncertainty of how many minutes have gone since she left the room, hopefully very little, because she is about to lose her breath and she is nothing short of suffering an arrhythmia. Her sore feet celebrate when Xie Lian reaches her first stop. She wastes no time and simply slips a badly folded letter right under the door. After that, she runs again. This time she runs in the direction of the front yard. 

She runs and runs, occasionally crashing into pillars and flower pots. 

Her tears are no longer easy to contain, since she started crying inside the room she has not been able to stop. There are years of melancholy and weeks of loneliness, Xie Lian believes that she deserves to let off some steam. She, perhaps, does have the right to.

The fresh wind and the darkness of the night greet her. 

She has reached her destination. 

However, the gate is closed, no one is there. It's too late.

A sob escapes her lips, Xie Lian doesn't even care if she's making noise anymore. She sobs and whimpers until her chest is partially empty, it's not enough anyway. 

She wipes her face with the back of her hands and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, trying with all her might to inhale a puff of fresh air and regulate her breathing. Xie Lian still has to put together a plan, she can't just stand there until dawn. After all, she has already left a farewell letter to Jun Wu and Mei Nianqing. 

She takes a step forward and breathes again. 

A faint smell of nicotine. 

The residue of what appears to be smoke disperses along her side. 

Xie Lian turns around. 

“It is nice to see you again, jiejie” 

There on the asphalt Hua Cheng sits, with the suitcase lying next to the side. The woman has her knees resting against her chest and with one hand extended to the front she is holding a cigarette. Her single eye is looking at Xie Lian and the corners of her lips are curled up gently. As beautiful as she was the first time she saw her, right there, in that same place. 

Xie Lian froze for a moment, trying to decipher between reality and fantasy, too afraid to be under the effects of a simple hallucination. Hua Cheng threw the cigarette on the sidewalk and proceeded to slowly step on it; she is real. 

“San Niang!” she exclaims and hurriedly walks towards the woman, who was now standing. At some point she started running, the distance wasn't even that far. 

Then, she finally fell into her arms. 

Tugged against a comforting chest and in the midst of Hua Cheng's embrace, Xie Lian hovering under the warmth of finally being protected. Her heart, once sore, rejoices in completeness. Like the end of the winter and the beginning of a beloved spring.

Her wounds are only beginning to heal. 

“I thought you were gone,” she confesses, hiding her face in the crevice of Hua Cheng's neck. It smells just like home. What a home should look like. 

Hua Cheng places a peck on the top of her forehead and then on her temple. Calming. “I could never leave without you,” she reveals. “I was waiting for you to sort thing out and come back to me” 

That, somehow, moved her. Xie Lian needs no more to confirm that she has made the right decision. A decision based on her desire and her own interpretation of what is like to be alive, to live. After so long being deprived of freedom. Although, well, it is a cloistered monastery, she couldn't wish for something different either.

“So…” she says, pulling away a little to look up at Hua Cheng. "What will we do now?"

“I managed to talk to my friend, who I told you about a while ago,” explains Hua Cheng, cradling her cheeks to give her nose a tiny kiss. “She should be here any minute, she will take us to the city.” 

Xie Lian nods, yet the doubt resurfaces and she can't help but bite her lip. “And then…”

A tender chuckle. “After that we will take some time to decide what to do,” Hua Cheng assures her. “Jiejie should not worry, we will get ahead together.” 

She nods again. 

And there are still issues that concern her, yet she leaves them behind. If she wants to reintegrate into society, she must gather the courage to face each new experience and savor them. Life is ephemeral as are moments; Xie Lian just hopes that her life with Hua Cheng will be something close to eternity. She decides to believe it, they are going to get ahead together. 

The sound of an approaching car catches their attention. Hua Cheng's supposed friend — whom she remembers is called He Xuan — parks the vehicle in front of the large gate, without actually honking the horn, lowering the window so she can signal to them. Xie Lian can notice that she is telling them to get on as soon as possible. Hua Cheng bends down to pick up the suitcase and proceeds extends a hand towards Xie Lian, waiting for her to take it. 

She does. 

They intertwine their fingers and begin walking towards the exit. 

Before crossing the gate, Xie Lian stops for a few seconds. 

“San Niang” 

Hua Cheng turns around. “What is it, jiejie”

From the depths of her heart she recites: 

"I love you"

────── ⋆⋅♱⋅⋆ ──────

5 years later.

Xie Lian stretches her arms up and is sure she hears her bones crack. Well, that's what she gets after being crippled for more than six hours sitting in a plastic chair. She also has numb fingers and a sore wrist, but it doesn't bother her at all, it was worth it, because she has finally finished typing and her first writing is officially ready to go into the editor's hands. 

The laptop is closed and left behind on the side of the counter. 

She takes the opportunity to admire the photo frames displayed there, accompanied by multiple vases and a cash register. Xie Lian smiles satisfied and takes off her apron to shake it. Weekends are usually quiet and there are not many customers to serve. It's her lucky day. 

A small 'meow' is heard from below and the fluffy fur of a chubby cat rubs against her bare ankle. This is Ruoye, one of her two cats, who has surely come down from the apartment in search of company. She wonders where E-Ming could be, they usually always adventure together. 

Just as she is about to look for the cat, she sees a black ball running in terror toward the stairs. There's E-Ming, she supposes. 

But what really catches her attention is the tall, elegant figure that appears through the front door. 

A slender and yet imposing woman, wearing a half-buttoned crimson dress shirt and loose black pants. She is packed with accessories, which jingle with every step she takes around the store. This is Hua Cheng. Xie Lian catches a glimpse of a white butterfly flying very close the woman, probably having entered when Hua Cheng opened the door. 

Xie Lian feels the weight of a wedding ring brush against her ring finger, comforting. 

She cracks a smile. “Welcome home,” she says enthusiastically. And it's funny, because they are not even in the apartment, but in the lower part that has been adapted to function as a flower shop managed by Xie Lian. “How did it go with the client?”

Hua Cheng approaches the counter and instinctively crosses to the other side. There she clings to Xie Lian's waist without a second thought, as if that would recharge her energy. 

“Apparently she was satisfied, she hung the painting above her sophisticated fireplace,” Hua Cheng says and even without seeing it Xie Lian can tell that she is pouting. “I will always say it, millionaires are idiots. The good thing is that the pay was quite high” 

Xie Lian giggles, giving Hua Cheng’s head a playful pat. “I guess you won't be taking any more commissions this month.” 

“I think I deserve a break, dealing with so many useless people is too tiring” a dramatized tone of voice, too fake, and suddenly Xie Lian is grabbed from the armpits; she has been lifted from the chair and in a smooth motion she is repositioned on Hua Cheng's lap, who has taken her former position. “Besides, Yin Yu had already cleared my schedule last week.” 

Gently strokes on each side of her hips, a caress so carefully and full of afección, they are tracing circles here and there. There are also mischievous fingers embedding themselves fervently into the tender flesh and pinching it. The sunset is made known through the large windows of the store, the last rays of the sun giving a beautiful shine to the rose petals near two large shelves. Xie Lian's facial expressions soften and she automatically wraps her arms securely around Hua Cheng's neck.

A stunning eccentric necklace, a chain of silver butterflies, Xie Lian decides to play with it a little. 

“This Friday I will take Jiejie to dinner at that Italian restaurant she likes so much,” adds Hua Cheng. 

The corners of Xie Lian's lips curl up. “What is the occasion?” 

“Nothing specific, I just want to take my wife on a nice date” Hua Cheng points out, looking proud, and suddenly attacks Xie Lian with small kisses on the cheeks. “Although we could take the opportunity to celebrate the launch of your first book” 

A faint crimson takes over her face, burning and making her feel feverish. Xie Lian disguises the shyness pretending to be fully absorbed by the jingling necklace. She hears Hua Cheng chuckle and her body is crushed into a more intense embrace, there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

A writing that she began during the last semester of her philosophy degree, focused on the perception of love and the subjectivity of beliefs. After a whole year it has been finished, just fifteen minutes ago she was making the last corrections. The possibility of publishing it came about thanks to the contacts that Hua Cheng, her now wife, has acquired thanks to her work as an independent artist; under the editorship of a woman named Ling Wen and with an assigned editor whose name is Mu Qing, actually a friend from Xie Lian’s past with whom she had the good fortune to meet again.

In fact, since she escaped from the convent she has been able to make new friends – every Friday she goes to brunch with Shi Qingxuan, an art collector that’s also He Xuan’s fiancé – and mend old ties that had ended in nothing, like her friendship with her old high school best friends: Mu Qing and Feng Xin, who despite supposedly hate each other ended up getting married. 

“Anyway, the pages must first go through review and receive feedback,” she reminds Hua Cheng. “It's my first book, I'm sure it has some flaws”

She is interrupted by Hua Cheng. “Nonsense, the book will pass the review and become a bestseller”

“San Niang…”

Xie Lian turns slightly so she can take a good look at her wife's face; the sharp features are now much more mature and serious, very handsome, her raven hair is styled in a wolfcut and the patch on her right eye is now made of leather, of the finest quality. She's clearly grown up since they first met, Hua Cheng’s now twenty-eight years old, but she's still the same mischievous and cultured girl she fell in love with. The same woman who dared to open her eyes and save her. 

Then, she says. “All this time, you were always right.” 

Hua Cheng raises her eyebrow, prompting Xie Lian to continue speaking. 

“I've really been loving life for a long time,” she confesses and lets out a breathy laugh. 

At first it was difficult, recognizing herself and recognizing her desires. The only purpose she had found fell and shattered into ashes, it left her life just as she left the convent, so the first months in the big city were full of doubts and mixed feelings. She continues believing in God and continues enjoying debates about the Bible, however it is not the same as before. Going to therapy, with Hua Cheng's support and company, helped her a lot to realize many things that she overlooked due to the emotional manipulation she suffered. 

Now she can go to her parents' grave and leave an abundant bouquet of white roses, chatting with them for hours. She has also achieved those dreams that she thought were lost and has opened her own flower shop on the ground floor of her own home. 

But the most important part.

“San Niang” 

Hua Cheng hums. “I am all ears, jiejie”

A moving heartbeat, a heart overflowing with emotions. 

“Thank you” there is no need to detail an explanation, but she still does it. “For showing me that there are other ways to live, that I have a choice” 

And perhaps, God was in charge of placing Hua Cheng in her path. In her destiny. Now she understands, finally, that loving and living in freedom is not a sin. She is happy and she has gotten married to the love of her life, even if it was simply through the civil registry, but she feels fulfilled and complete. She is content with the decisions she has made, which are all her own. 

She smiles widely. “I can finally write my own meaning about love,” she points to the unlit laptop that lies on the counter, where she had previously been correcting the document containing her writings. 

In such an immense world, perhaps one person is enough to not lose hope.

“Thanks to jiejie,” Hua Cheng replies. “For allowing me to love you” 

Lips intertwined; they share a kiss.

Later Xie Lian would put together a bouquet of white roses for Hua Cheng, different from those she gives to her late parents. They have already found a new meaning.

Ambushed in my writing

you are singing in my poem.

Captive of your sweet voice

engraved in my memory.

Bird intent on its flight.

Air branded by absence.

Clock that keeps time with me

so I never wake up

Your Voice, Alejandra Pizarnik