Chapter Text
Danny Williams had always prided himself on his great, drama-free childhood and his healthy family, at least compared to most of the people he’s met, especially his best friend, Steve. It wasn’t bragging, he just realized how lucky he truly was. The biggest issues his family had was his mother feeling neglected and wanting a divorce from his father, but even that was solved easily compared to all of Steve’s family drama. This all meant that there were no skeletons in his family’s closet, at least none that would tear them apart.
He never doubted or questioned the great morals and values that his parents taught them. Danny wasn’t saying that his family was perfect just that they were normal for an Italian-American family from Jersey. If he compared it to Steve’s own drama of finding out his mother was alive because she -‘was a selfish cunt’- faked her own death, seemingly uncaring of the suffering and grief she put her children and husband through. All because she didn’t want to face the consequences of her actions and preferred to leave everyone else to pay for them.
‘I mean she didn’t even appear when her husband was murdered despite most likely knowing it was the psychopath that was after her.’
It was no secret that Danny absolutely hated the woman, even Doris knew this but pretended otherwise because ‘she was a sociopath.’ He hated that Steve was bending over backwards for this woman. He was calling in favors that he accumulated for a raining day but now wasted on the selfish woman, just to make sure she was safe in Hawaii while he put himself in danger to solve ‘mommy’s’ screw up and hunt down Wo-fat. Steve even ignored Danny’s comments and his clear distrust of Doris despite knowing that his best friend's proven track record for being the best judge of character, at least better than Steve. Danny had yet to be wrong about someone he genuinely hated, not disliked or was annoyed by but fully hated.
Despite his disagreement with how Steve was handling things, as the man’s best friend, Danny focused on Steve’s drama which helped that he, fortunately, didn’t have any of his own. Until now, he got a call from his parents that changed everything he thought he knew about his family although it still didn’t change his opinion about Doris and Steve’s way of dealing with her.
“What do you mean I have a younger brother?!” Danny couldn’t help but exclaim, hoping that his mother was making some bad joke or trying to prank him. His parents had, in his opinion, the best love story he knew, he always envied their relationship and wanted one just like it. Even with the problems they had recently, there was never a doubt that either would cheat or leave the other because they love each other so much. Even when his mother wanted to leave his father, she still loved the man dearly. It was admirable and a little daunting to follow such an example.
‘Maybe that was the reason Rachel and I didn't work out.’ He had compared his relationship with Rachel to his parents’ relationship and felt disappointed when it didn’t meet those standards.
But this wasn’t about his own mistakes or flaws, this was about his mother calling him to suddenly tell him that he had a brother. At first, Danny was sure she meant that she was pregnant which she scolded him for. “I’m far too old for that.” He didn’t understand why she thought that her being pregnant made less sense than what she just told him.
“You have a younger brother that we just found out about.”
“How do you just find out that you have a kid, ma?!” His mother was being far too calm and casual for Danny’s taste.
“Well, we didn’t know about him until we got the call.”
“Wait, ma, what call are you talking about? Start from the beginning? Did you or dad cheat?” A part of Danny refuses to believe that any of his parents cheated on each other but he knew anything was possible.
“What?! Of course not! Danny, how could you think that we would ever…” his mother started ranting, for someone that teased him or complained when Danny rants, his mother was very good at ranting.
‘And she wonders who I get it from,’ he rolled his eyes before sighing.
“Mom, focus.” Danny cut her off mid-rant which he was sure she would not be happy about because he hated it too. “How do I have a brother that no one, even you, knew about?”
Evan Buckley knew from a very young age that he wasn’t wanted by his parents, especially his mother. Most days the woman couldn’t even look at him let alone acknowledge his existence. Maddie would tell him that it was all in his head and that their parents just weren’t those overly affectionate people. “Evan they show their love in other ways” his sister had declared. But the thing was that they had never shown their love to him at all, even the food and shelter they provided was begrudgingly and almost forced.
His father always looked at him like he was ashamed and Evan assumed that the man was ashamed of him. It wasn’t as bad as the resentment and hate that filled his mother’s eyes when she looked at him. He could never understand the reason for it since it started long before he could do anything to warrant such hate. Again Maddie always told him it was in his head but his older sister always kept him away from his mother so he wasn’t fooled. Maddie would intervene when their mother got testy and volatile with him while his father would just turn a blind eye.
“You ruined our family and now we all have to live with your failure!” the woman would scream until her lungs made her choose between screaming and breathing.
“Margaret, please, you promised. Our son...” his father tried to calm the woman although saying ‘our’ seemed to physically pain him.
“He is no son of mine!” The woman would sneer.
“You gave birth…” This was the only time that Evan would ever see displeasure and reproachment in his father’s eyes directed at their mother.
“SHUT UP!”
Evan never told Maddie about what he had heard that night, he was too young to understand what his parents were talking about but as he grew older and analyzed the words, he came to the conclusion that his mother resented him and regretted having him. Evan had tried to apologize to his mother for whatever he did that was so wrong but all he got was a glare.
“There is nothing you can do or say that will take away the pain you’ve caused me and this family with your existence.”
His mother’s words had hit him like a ton of bricks that were lit on fire and covered with poison. He left the house that same night and tried to never look back. He went to Maddie in tears and begged her to run with him although at first he asked if he could stay with her. She was the one that suggested that he should get away from it all but when he asked her to come with him, Evan saw the fear in her eyes.
“Evan I can’t…” she almost pleaded. “But you should…”
“Maddie, are you happy? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you're happy?” The woman hadn’t been able to respond and Evan immediately knew. “Then you’re coming with me!” He had been so excited by this because it had always been them against the world.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is!” Evan exclaimed. “It’s always been me and you against everything and everyone. Why should that change? We’ll protect each other from everything and if we have to run then we’ll keep running.”
“Evan…” Maddie sounded like he was a child that just told her that he thought the clouds were made of cotton candy and now she had to set him straight but didn’t want to.
“Maddie, I can’t be happy if you’re not happy. Come with me and let's leave it all behind…”
To this day, he was shocked that his sister smiled at him with tears running down her face and got on the passenger seat of her jeep. They waited until Doug had left for work the next day and Maddie went and got all her important paperwork and a few clothes, everything else was left behind. She texted her coworker and sent her resignation by email before throwing away her phone. Then in a mess of tears and hysterical laughter they were gone none the wiser.
It was amazing and they both thrive in the freedom. The distance from all the cause of their trauma did them a world of good but just like Evan had said they eventually realized that they had to keep running since Doug hired a private investigator to find them.
“I have to go back, I can’t let him hurt you!” Maddie had been terrified and ready to sacrifice herself for him.
“No you don’t.” But Evan wasn’t letting her. “Especially now, we’ll keep running, as long as we stay together we can take on anything that comes our way.”
There were a couple of times when Evan had to talk his sister off the ledge, especially as the private investigator got too close, but they just kept running. He tried any and all jobs he could think of in an effort to find his calling, while Maddie tried every look she could find in an effort to try and hide her appearance. Evan was more than happy to join both in support and to avoid being recognized as no doubt Doug had figured out that Evan was with Maddie.
They had been brunettes for a time while in New York, platinum blondes in the Florida Keys where Evan was a bartender, Black hair in Montana where he worked as a ranch hand and Maddie helped the local Veterinarian. His favorite might have been the blue hair they had while in Settle which they left due to the incessant rain. They even tried red hair while in Kansas but got caught in a tornado so none of them wanted to stay there long. Evan did enjoy helping the first responders to rescue victims and then helping the people rebuild their homes, but in the end they both agreed that it wasn’t the place for them.
At that time the private investigator had caught up with them and tried to take Maddie by force when she refused to go with him. The man was an old Marine so Evan had no chance at fighting him off, but fortunately, they had gained a reputation in the community for helping out and some people came in to their rescue. An older woman, whose dog Evan had found and rescued from the rubble of her house, gave them some money to keep running.
“Here, sweethearts, this should get you out of the state,” she told them with a caring smile.
“Oh Mrs. Miller, we can’t take this…” Maddie tried but the old woman was having none of it.
“Nonsense, I know what you’re going through my dear. I didn’t have your bravery to run and I wish I did, so know that you are living the dream of many going through the same thing.” The woman explained wisely, the regret and sadness was clear in her eyes. “Some days, running might seem like too much, but remember that it’s better than the alternative, so run as long as you can because when it comes to your freedom, being on the run is a small price to pay.”
“Thank you!”
Both women had cried and hugged each other for as long as they could before the siblings had to run. They got into Maddie’s jeep and ran off, hoping that someday they could return and thank the kind woman that helped them. Evan had felt useless for not being able to protect his sister so when he saw them recruiting, he decided to join the SEALs, something Maddie had been completely against.
“Maddie, I need to be able to protect you, to protect us and there is no one more badass than a Navy SEAL.”
“Evan, this is not something that you do for the wrong reasons. You are signing your life away just to look badass.” Maddie had been disappointed but Evan knew that it was mostly due to her worry for him.
“It’s not just that, it’s about not being powerless for once in my life. About protecting the one and only person that has always been there for me. Don’t you get it Mads, I need to be stronger.”
“Ev,” Maddie sighed in sympathy, understanding her brother’s desire and hating her parents for causing it.
Eventually, he won the argument and with tears Maddie let him sign up. In the first week, Evan had started regretting his decision but he remembered the pure fear in Maddie’s eyes when the private investigator found them, and it fueled him to keep going. The physical aspect of bootcamp and hell week had been easy for him. It was the psychological and emotional aspect that Evan had issues with. He can’t remember how many times he stood in front of the bell ready to ring them and quit but again Maddie’s scared eyes popped into his mind and he went back to his bunk. It became a routine that his CO eventually caught on to and pulled him aside to talk about.
“What’s going on Buckley?”
Evan had been keeping his emotions at bay for so long that he just exploded and told the older man everything. He was ashamed to say that he sobbed before the man, there was no doubt in his mind that he had been a pathetic sight. But the man didn’t show any disgust or disappointment, he had just listened patiently before speaking.
“Look Buckley, you have some serious potential and I can see that you can be a great asset to the SEALs...but you’re right, emotions are something you will need to get a strict control over, that is something I cannot help you with, everyone has their own system that works for them and you need to find yours.” The man had been firm but understanding which had truly shocked Evan but his words in that moment also confirmed his belief that the SEALs just wasn’t right for him.
“I understand Sir,” he declared in dejection.
“...The matter of your sister’s protection, that I can help with.”
Evan had been ready to quit when the man made him an offer that Evan couldn’t refuse. He offered to give Maddie the benefits and protection a spouse would get and let her live on base. At the time, his sister had been hiding away in some motel that she could barely leave for fear of being caught. The commander called in a few favors and Maddie was able to move into the base in Virginia where no one without a military ID or escorted by someone with one could enter. The commander almost made sure that Doug’s investigator was placed on a blacklist for that base so that a message would pop out if he tried to enter. While his sister still hadn’t been happy with his decision, she was able to relax for the first time in many years.
Evan eventually finished his training and was sent on his first mission with his new team days later. Maddie’s safety became his motive but after a year in the SEALs, it began taking a toll on his mind. He took leave less and less to avoid Maddie seeing him slowly losing himself. He didn’t want to ruin the peace that Maddie finally had. The older woman had finally settled down and made a life for herself with friends, she even worked as a nurse in one of the clinics on base.
While she never left the base, she was happy and Evan could not take that away from her, no matter how much it hurt him to basically turn his humanity off for every mission. Unfortunately for him, Evan was good at his job, and competence, he learned, was usually rewarded with more work. He wanted to quit but he was confused and unsure of how or if that was the best decision. Eventually, the decision was made for him when on a mission he was shot in the head leaving him nearly dead.
He doesn’t remember much from the mission or the time after but apparently whatever he did got him a medal. Maddie told him he was in a coma for weeks and the doctors weren’t sure that he would survive let alone what sort of brain damage he would end up with. He only made it by the grace of God and the amazing work of the medical team. After that, physical therapy took up most of his life, but all those days were also a blur to him. Apparently, it was a side effect of getting shot in the head.
“So you’re more forgetful than usual, big deal.”
Maddie called it being forgetful while he called it brain damage. The doctors said that the gaps he had in his memory before and during the mission might never come back but that for everything else all he needed was time. That didn’t soothe Evan’s pain especially when he also suffered from hand tremors. The tremors did get him honorably discharged so there had been a silver lining. Through it all, Maddie stayed by his side with all his physical therapy and speech therapy as he basically had to relearn to speak.
It took years for him to not feel like he was constantly under water and overwhelmed, the gaps in his memories didn’t stop the nightmares from assaulting him. The ‘forgetfulness’ was frustrating while the tremors made him angry every time he dropped a cup or needed Maddie to button a shirt. Those had been ‘t-shirt and sweatpants’ kind of days. After he got better they decided to move again but this time leaving the country for some time. They backpacked Central and South America, Maddie found a passion in providing medical assistance to people in the poor and rural villages while Evan went back to his bartending roots which helped in gaining his hand coordination.
It had been the happiest either of them had been in years. Evan slowly began to heal physically, mentally and emotionally, he found a version of himself that he was happy with and stuck to it. He saw how happy the children in the villages were despite the poverty they found themselves in, and decided to take a page from their book. That was the birth of the ‘golden retriever’ Evan that all his current friends teased him so much about.
He found joy and pleasure in seeing the good in the world and giving everything a positive light. Not that the dark thoughts and memories weren’t there just that they were no longer the protagonist in his life and mind. He even tried bleaching his hair which made Maddie laugh every time she saw him, but he thought it looked good. They settled in Peru for a while renting a little shack. Evan started picking up partners to drive away the darkness that threatened to come back in the dead of night. He needed to distract his mind from playing his least favorite movies.
Maddie insisted that it was not healthy but Evan was content with the way things were even if he always felt lonely and empty the next morning when the partners left. His sister did not approve, but she didn’t understand, no one ever did. It was like his brain was having a battle on whether to torture him or heal him. To not go crazy, he needed to keep it constantly busy. Evan developed the habit of searching random stuff but their internet connection had been spotty.
“You just need to find fulfilling and busy work,” his sister had advice, not happy about his new habits.
That was how he found himself in L.A applying to the LAFD, Maddie had chosen to stay in Peru to continue helping out. She enjoyed the work and she wasn’t fucked up like Evan, so there was no reason for her to leave everything when she was happy and safe. It would also put her in territory that Doug could reach so Evan preferred she stayed in Peru.
Being in L.A felt like a fresh new start and that was when Evan became Buck, the impulsive, playful and carefree kid that everyone assumed ran away from his problems and took nothing serious. He made a whole new life for himself and for the most part he was happy with it, although at night the darkness still creeped in.
Buck knew he took to the new life and personality a little too far when he first got fired for it; fortunately, he got his job back right away so he promised himself to find an even medium. That was when he met Abby and he got into his first serious relationship. ‘And that worked out so great for me’, he couldn’t help but think sarcastically.
Eventually Maddie joined him in L.A which made him extremely happy. Once his sister arrived, it felt like life was starting to be good once again. He had Maddie and a family that he had found. It was all even better when Eddie joined that family and brought in Christopher with him. But Buck was learning that he couldn’t have something good or be happy for too long before karma and life decided to throw him a curveball.
‘I must have done some horrible shit in a previous life.’
But then the truck bombing and the tsunami happened and it all went to hell in a blazing ball of fire. The darkness was back in full effect and apparently in the time that he kept it away, it had only gained strength. Even worse, no one understood him, not even Eddie who had been to war or Maddie who knew everything. He needed the work to keep himself sane but Bobby didn’t listen and instead became part of the darkness so in an act of possible insanity, he sued the department. He knew that it was an act of desperation because the nightmares were eating him alive and everyone was too busy with their own lives to help or even notice. But his actions had only made everything worse because everyone turned their backs on him and for the first time since Maddie moved out of their parents’ house, Buck was truly left alone to his own thoughts.
The flashes of memories long forgotten played in his head every night like a horror movie and the tremors came back stronger than ever. Then on top of everyone being angry with him and ignoring him, his best friend snapped and called him exhausting. With this the fragile wall Buck had created to keep the trauma at bay, shattered. All his shields crumbled and he saw the moment that Eddie got a glimpse at the dark monster inside of him. Brown eyes widened and the man opened his mouth to apologize or continue berating him, Buck wasn’t sure and he wasn’t staying to find out, instead he ran out of the store. Driving away almost as if he could outrun the darkness that chased him like a scorned lover.
He found himself on a bridge out of town as the flashes from that last mission hit him. They weren’t full memories, more like feelings, sounds, smells but with them came the feeling of worthlessness. “You’re exhausting!” The words kept playing like a song he never wanted to repeat but refused to leave his brain. It was all making it hard for him to see and the shaking made it impossible for him to pick up his phone which had been ringing non-stop.
“Waste of space,” the voices of the people he cares about taunt him.
“You’re a disappointment,” over and over again.
“Your existence causes nothing but pain…” His mother’s voice sneered.
Buck grew closer to the ledge, he looked down to see nothing but darkness and he thought about how fitting it was that the darkness inside him would truly consume him. The ringing phone kept distracting him but as he went to turn it off, he noticed that the call coming in was from a number he didn’t recognize. Buck didn’t get calls from unknown numbers unless they were spam. He doesn’t know what pushed him to answer but much later he would be glad that he did.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Evan Buckley, son of Margaret Buckley?” the voice of a man asked.
“Yes, who’s this?”
“Oh good,” the man sighs in what seemed like relief. “You don’t know me, my name is Detective Danny Williams,” the man’s title worried Buck.
“Is my mother okay?” Buck was not sure why he cared, his mother clearly hated him but a part of him still couldn’t make himself hate her.
“What?” The man, Danny, for a minute seemed almost confused by the question. “Oh yea, this is more about your brother,” the voice on the other end of the phone sounds strong yet unsure.
“I don’t have a brother,” Buck was sure that the man had the wrong person.
“Oh Jesus, of course you wouldn’t know either,” the man on the other line mumbled, indignation so clear in his tone. “It’s kind of a long story, is this a good time to talk?” Buck looked over the bridge down to the abyss that called his name, like a siren’s song but the curiosity was suddenly much stronger and he turned away. This stranger, unknowingly became the lifeline pulling him away from the edge both literally and figuratively.
“Yeah, I can talk,” that was why he stepped away and declared.
“Good, so I just found out myself but from what I know this is what happened…”