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Dan Howell had never thought about himself as romantic.
Or hopeful.
Or even slightly optimistic for all it mattered.
But now, at this point, he couldn’t stop himself from staring at that platinum blond colleague of his. Blonde since today , mind you. Bloody angel coloured, if you asked him. Every time Phil moved, Dan’s eyes fixated on the light reflecting off it, and he thought about how soft it would feel to the touch. Almost like a small shimmer, a shine, a halo.
Oh, this was bad.
“You think it’s awful, don’t you?”
Dan jumped, asking himself for a second if Phil had been able to hear his thoughts. Or worse, if he had started to mumble to himself again.
“What? No,” he stammered. “No, you look beautiful. I mean, you look nice . I mean- yeah. Cool.”
Very smooth Daniel , he thought, busying himself with drying off some glasses. He could feel his cheeks warm and tried to avoid Phil’s eyes.
Phil didn’t seem convinced anyway. “Oh, thanks.” He fiddled with some strands of his fringe before turning away. Another voice saved Dan from embarrassing himself even more.
“Phil, could you get the left-over dishes?” Alice yelled from the other side of the room. “The day shift couldn’t quite finish those.”
Alice was probably the only person, who still managed to sound sweet and nice while yelling, Dan thought. But that was maybe just due to her personality. Pretending not to bother, he followed Phil’s movement over there with his eyes. The way he smiled and joked, making Alice laugh.
He wasn’t jealous , of course not. After all, there was nothing to be jealous of. They were all just colleagues, who spent a lot of time together in the very tight space behind the bar, serving alcohol to drunk strangers.
Absolutely nothing more.
“Nooo, don’t worry,” he heard Alice say while focusing on the drying towel. “You look amazing, Phil. Truly. No one will notice it’s a new style, you’re already owning it!”
“You really think so?” Phil chirped. Obviously flattered, maybe blushing a bit even.
Dan took a breath. “I’m gonna head out for a smoke break before we open for the night, alright?” he asked but didn’t wait for an answer. Stepping out the front of their little café-turned-bar he drew a bunch of cigarettes from his pocket. It wasn’t actually theirs or his, but he liked to think about it that way. Their place.
He knew he was acting childishly. Yet he couldn’t stop himself from feeling that tinge of jealousy that didn’t have any footing. He truly liked being around Alice, she was genuinely nice, and he wouldn’t ever wish anything bad for her. Still, his chest hurt whenever she and Phil made their jokes and shot each other smiles. He couldn’t even blame Phil, if he liked her that way. She was pretty for sure with her long locks of hair and round face, in addition to being nice and sweet towards virtually anyone. And still, part of him had this jealous cut and the other part hated himself for it.
Why did Phil have to show up with his new hair, looking like that, in his cocky jacket and tight black shirt? As if having a crush on your co-worker, while being as deep in the closet as possible, wasn’t troubling enough.
Dan heard the door of their bar open, and chipped his cigarette away. It was out of habit. Neither Alice nor Phil approved of him smoking, and their boss had scolded him often enough not to smoke in front of the guests. And if he was honest Dan didn’t even approve of it himself.
“Mind if I stand with you for a bit?” Phil asked as he stepped outside. He had his hands buried in his pockets and seemed rather shy.
Dan felt his cheeks heat up again. “Sure,” he managed.
For a moment they stood in silence. Then, Dan forced himself to say something. “I really meant that,” he said without looking at Phil. “That you look nice and stuff. The hair colour really suits you.”
“Thank you.”
Dan sneaked a side glance at Phil, seeing his shy smile and- was that a blush? Dan felt a grin spreading on his face, too. A warm feeling, coming from the fact he made Phil blush with his compliment. Even if that didn’t mean anything it really felt good.
They stood for a few more minutes in silence before returning inside to help Alice with the last preparations. Opening hours were from 18 until 2 in the morning on weekdays, until 4 at weekends. But it wasn’t even 18 o’clock yet when the first people started to trickle in. Thursdays were always busy, but never as busy as Fridays and Saturdays. Dan was used to it by now, the sound of people talking, the smell of sweat and alcohol, but he was still glad to keep himself behind the bar.
The bar filled up quickly, more and more young people entering, loud and increasingly drunk. Dan made drink after drink, a few beers in between, one person wanted a wine. There wasn’t a lot of space back here, between bottles and glasses and talking to customers. It was almost calming to Dan. The overwhelming noise of the lively bar shrunk down to background noise, his hands poured complicated drinks on their own, took money and handed back change. He said “thanks” and “have a good time” and “let me know if you need anything else” and many other phrases he knew by heart, without needing to think about it.
He had just handed a very muscular and quite handsome man a handful of liquor mix when Phil stepped next to him, their arms brushing ever so slightly. Still, the light touch sent electricity over his skin like Phil was connected to a high-voltage socket.
Phil waited until the man got his change and left, before leaning slightly towards Dan, whispering: “Can you show me how to mix a Moscow Mule again? I kind of forgot how to do it…”
Dan felt a smirk creeping up in his throat. “That’s the third day in a row. How are you still employed?” He joked, grabbing the ingredients from under the bar.
Phil shrugged, grinning as well. “Seems like I have other qualities?”
Dan wanted to retort with a snorting “Doubt” but the words got stuck in his throat when Alice rushed past them causing Phil to stumble against him, almost knocking over the drinking glass. Suddenly, their faces were far too close, and they both inched away, faces red, avoiding each other's gaze.
Something was just very off today. Even the few moments of them joking like usual felt out of place. “Okay, yeah.” Dan cleared his throat. “So, you start with a good shot of vodka…”
The next day was a Friday and Dan already hated it before he stepped out of his front door.
He didn’t have lectures on Fridays because the day was reserved for course work and assignments, but Dan always found himself putting those off until the last minute and then pulling an all-nighter after work. And since that had worked out so far, he didn’t bother changing it now.
Still, he still felt dizzy from sleep and especially grumpy since his mother had called him out of bed this morning, only to realise he was still sleeping at 11 in the morning, and continue to scold him about university and how she and his father paid for his apartment and how this was important. A little harsher than necessary Dan ripped his headphones out of his pockets to drown the noise in his head out with music.
Whatever was up between him and Phil yesterday was still edging on his mind, too. The shy awkwardness was new to them, and whatever it was that caused it, Dan hoped it wouldn’t stay for long. Either way, he would find out tonight.
On Fridays he liked to spend his day in a park nearby, sitting, reading, listening to music, and then start work around the evening. But not today. His boss had called earlier this week to let him know someone from the day shift had fallen ill, and ask if he could cover.
Dan had said yes.
Because he needed the money, anyway. Not because he knew Phil started work earlier on Friday too. Not at all because that would mean spending the work shift laughing in between preparing coffee and baked goods in the chilly sunshine London could provide.
That had nothing to do with it, mind you.
But as soon as Dan entered their café he was treated to an unhappy surprise. Phil wasn’t there yet, and apparently, he wouldn’t come either. Not that this had anything to do with anything.
“He asked me to switch shifts this morning,” Alice had explained, and after Dan’s disappointment had been apparent, she’d added: “I think there was something with his family coming up. I’m sure everything is okay.”
She had said it like she knew what Dan had been anxious about. That maybe Phil had felt so awkward yesterday, awkward with the tension between them, that he had switched shifts to not spend the entire day with Dan?
Maybe he was overreacting. But now the anxiety sat in his gut. It wouldn’t leave.
“Are you feeling alright?” Alice asked him, half through his shift, when there had been no customers for a while and Dan had started to work on cleaning their workspace just to have his hands busy.
For a second Dan contemplated telling her. Telling her that he was worried that the guy he’d had a crush on for months, had caught onto the fact and was feeling so awkward about it that he now avoided him at work.
But he didn’t. That would have meant taking a step out of the closet. The closet Dan had buried himself in so deep for the past years, decades, for his whole life, out of fear and self-preservation. He hadn’t told anyone, apart from some anonymous online forums, and he wasn’t ready to start with a work acquaintance now.
“I’m fine,” he therefore said and shot her a quick smile that hopefully seemed genuine. “Didn’t sleep well, that’s all.”
Alice gave him a warm smile in return. It seemed like she knew he wasn’t telling the truth, but she didn’t bother.
No, she did bother, she just didn’t want to press. There’s a difference , Dan reminded himself.
“Do you feel like drinking coffee?” she offered instead. “I swear, after an Alice Special you will be feeling better in no time.”
Dan allowed himself to grimace jokingly. “Did you update the recipe since last time?”
She pouted, her ponytail bouncing as she turned around again and said: “Yes. I took your criticism to heart and took a step back from too much cinnamon. But I’ve taken some inspiration from our Apple Spice Autumn ...”
Dan smiled when Alice started gathering her supplies. “Thank you,” he said, not loud enough for her to hear maybe, but could have sworn she also smiled in response.
Friday’s shift ended without anything interesting happening, and the day was over before Dan even realised. He didn’t have to work on Saturday, so he decided to sleep in and spend the day in his pyjamas finally getting around to course work.
His thoughts were still on yesterday’s shift. And why Phil hadn’t shown up. Maybe he was obsessing over this, overthinking it. But the text he was supposed to be reading for his studies wasn’t interesting enough to keep his attention for long.
After what felt like a few hours Dan decided he had made enough effort to learn and threw his book off the couch in frustration. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to learn on the couch in the first place. It was cosy enough to keep him in the fuzzy sleepy state he woke up in.
Dan checked his phone, ignored some messages he had gotten, and didn’t bother checking his emails. It was afternoon already, which checked, because he had been lying in bed until about 12. Not that the world had done anything to stop him, even the weather looked as gloomy and grey as ever. No reason to step outside today.
He was about to put his phone away, thinking about starting the TV and maybe watching some anime or some Netflix show, when a new notification rolled in.
Dan almost dropped his phone, scrambling to open the chat.
Phil: hi
Phil: i hope shift wasn’t too busy yesterday
Phil: my brother dropped in by surprise so i had to switch shifts sorry
Dan stared at his screen for a few seconds, unable to comprehend. Phil reaching out, just texting, just checking in was an entirely new thing, and he didn’t quite know how to react. Before, their chat had been only one-worded conversations, if that. Phil liked to call when he asked Dan to cover his shift, and so Dan had always done the same. Afar from that, from work and shifts, they hadn’t had much contact.
And this was about work as well, wasn’t it?
Dan: ah don’t worry
Dan: shift was chill
Then, after hesitating a few seconds, he continued:
Dan: did you have a good time with your brother?
For a few heartbeats he thought Phil wouldn’t answer, but then the three dots appeared in their chat.
Phil: yeah it was fun
Phil: I haven’t seen him in a while because he had been busy with work
Dan: that’s nice
Afterwards, Dan wasn’t sure what to answer, or to ask, so he didn’t. And after a few minutes without another conversation beat he put his phone aside. The interaction had made him feel giddy, and he smiled to himself.
A thought came by. Maybe it was stupid, maybe it was his sleepy mind feeding him dumb hope, but Dan picked up his phone again.
Dan: are you working today?
He waited, rolling a pen between his fingers, staring at the screen.
Phil answered within a minute.
Phil: night shift yeah
Phil: why?
Dan grinned.
Dan: just asking
Phil: ok
Dan put the phone away again and braced himself to get up from under his comfy blanket. The idea wasn’t even a big deal. He just felt like it. It wasn’t weird to spend your free evening in the bar you work at anyway, right? It was just that he didn’t have anything to do today, and that Phil seemed open to conversations.
Dan took a shower and spent way too much time deciding on an outfit. Not that it would matter. In the end he settled on something casual, a black shirt and black jeans, very on brand with himself as he liked to think.
He was excited when he stepped out the door, zipping his black jacket up. Honestly, he was always excited to see Phil, so he wasn’t sure if today was any different. Maybe because this was the first time, he actually decided to go spend time with Phil and not just meet him at work casually.
Even though this could be read as meeting up at work , right?
Either way, the way to their bar felt longer than usual. It had grown cold over the past weeks and Dan felt the tips of his ears and nose sting as he waited for the bus. As he eventually stepped over the threshold, second thoughts bubbled up in his mind. Was this too weird?
Spending his free evening at the same bar he worked at, trying to talk to his crush, who couldn’t get away?
Sounds stalkerish , Dan thought, doubt pulling his guts. But he could always go on and leave if Phil seemed uncomfortable.
Now it was too late anyway, he was already on his way.
The bar was three stops away, a solid ten minutes’ drive. Enough time to make Dan’s anxiety worse. He wasn’t one to act impulsively, he was usually too anxious to do that, and he couldn’t explain to himself why he did today.
The bar was already pretty full when Dan entered, the bell above the door giving its slight ring. After the cold air outside it felt warm and sticky.
Dan gave the room a quick scan and swiftly decided to sit down at the bar, between a couple shooting lovey eyes at each other, and some old dude, who didn’t seem to bother what was happening around him. He suddenly felt very self-conscious about the way his hair curled after being wet from the shower, and how his cheeks and nose must look flushed from hurrying inside.
He hadn’t quite settled down and was still about to decide if he wanted to keep his jacket on or off when Phil seemed to have spotted him.
“Dan?” he asked, surprised. But not unpleasantly surprised , Dan thought.
He turned to look at Phil, maybe shoot a lopsided smile, but ended up just staring at him. Jaw open, eyes wide.
Phil’s hair seemed to be even brighter today, less yellow-y and with an almost iridescent shine. Dan’s vision zeroed in on the illuminated figure.
Phil cleared his throat, and Dan hurried to look somewhere else, this time seriously blushing.
“What are you doing here?” Phil asked again, a slight smile on his lips.
Dan let the question linger for a second.
“Just felt like hanging out,” he said eventually. It was meant to come out with a grin but ended up sounding more like a mumbled question. “Since I didn’t see you yesterday,” he added.
When he glanced at Phil for a second, he saw his smile broaden into that genuine and excited smile that made Dan’s stomach flutter in a warm way.
“Can I offer you a drink?” he asked.
“If you put it on my tab,” Dan made a face. “I can’t afford anything fancy, or I seriously need to ask my parents for money. They wouldn’t like that”
“Then it’s on the house,” Phil grinned
“Your manager won’t like that,” Dan joked.
“She’ll understand,” Phil answered.
For a moment they just looked at each other.
Then someone from Dan’s left yelled: “Hey, can we have another whiskey?”
Phil winked at him and before Dan could question, if this just happened or if he had imagined it, he went to get that whiskey.
The two minutes were enough time for Dan to get himself together, pull out of the warm jacket, and settle into a more comfortable position, resting both arms on the bar.
“So,” Phil opened again. “What can I get you?”
“Surprise me,” Dan grinned.
Was he imagining things, or was this a slight pink blush blooming on Phil’s cheeks?
When the blonde reached under the bar to get some bottles there was a smashing sound. Dan was about to stand up when Alice's voice rang over from the other side of the bar. “Phil, is everything alright?”
“Everything's fine,” Phil answered, trying to shuffle some glass into a nearby bin. “Nothing broke.”
Dan tried to bite back a laugh while Phil cleaned up.
“So, what was it you ordered again?” he asked then, trying to play over his embarrassment.
“Just give me tequila and lime.” Dan laughed. “No need to break another fancy bottle.”
Phil stuck his tongue out in retort but went to get exactly that done.
They chatted for a bit, Dan taking more than one shot of tequila. He asked about Phil’s brother and Phil told him about him and his brother’s wife, and how cute their baby was, and how nice it was to show them around London.
Every now and then Phil got called over somewhere to refresh a drink, or hand out another beer, but even though it was full the evening stayed calm and their mood stayed casual. Only one time did stand out to Dan. When he returned from another smoke break, and sat down again Phil was just handing out a drink.
Dan took in the smell, looked at the cup and raised his eyebrows towards Phil.
“I thought you couldn’t remember how to mix a Moscow Mule?”
“What?”
“You ask me every other day how to mix one.”
More blush spread over Phil’s cheeks, even reaching his ears now. “Maybe you’re just a good teacher,” he said, shuffling some glasses around.
Dan gave him a slight, knowing grin. “Uh-huh.” He said teasingly.
Phil huffed. That adorable huff that made Dan’s ears ring.
“Then let me see if you got it right” he said, therefore. “One Moscow Mule please, Sir.”
“This one is going on your tab,” Phil teased back but he poured a drink.
The hours flew by, and before Dan could really realise it the bar had almost cleared out. His head felt heavy and droopy, his ears too hot and feet too cold. Phil was mostly cleaning up things by now, and Dan settled with just watching him. Watching the light reflect from his hair, painting shadows on his face, his cheekbones, his lips.
He was staring but if Phil even realised he didn’t let on.
“Time to get home, Phil,” Alice said at some point. Phil gave her a confused look that turned understanding, and then into an expression Dan couldn’t read when she nodded towards him, still sitting at the bar, staring at him absentmindedly.
Dan didn’t get what was going on, but suddenly Phil was next to him. “Let’s get you home,” he said. “We’ll take a cab alright?”
Dan nodded and tried to get up, stumbling over his feet. Maybe he was a bit drunk.
A little.
Phil helped him stand and out the door, into the car that was waiting.
Dan just followed. He would have followed Phil anywhere. Without thinking.
“Can I tell you something?” he said, words slightly slurred but still intelligible.
“Sure,” Phil said. He shifted to look at Dan now, instead out the window.
Those eyes that he could tell anything. Would tell anything, if they asked.
“Okay I’ll tell you but promise you won’t tell Phil?” he asked, voice lowered, because it was a secret.
“Okay? I promise?” Phil said. He sounded unsure but Dan really just wanted to tell him.
“I think I’m in love with him. Have you seen his eyes? And his smile? He’s perfect. But don’t ever tell him!”
He felt warmth spread through his face, his ears, his stomach. He felt himself smile.
Phil looked confused, surprised then, and finally a smile washed over his face. “Okay” he said. “I won’t.”
When he woke up the next morning Dan could have sworn, he just dreamed something horrendously weird. It took a few minutes for his brain to kick into gears and realise he, in fact, hadn’t dreamed. And that he, in fact, had probably made a fool of himself in front of his crush. And kinda somehow accidentally outed himself.
Well, fuck .
“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” he turned and fumbled to find his phone. The battery was low, but it was still on.
1 Message from Phil.
“Shit,” he breathed, anxiety rising.
Phil: hi
Phil: do you feel like grabbing a coffee today?
Dan froze.
Was that a good sign? Or maybe Phil just tried to let him down gently. Was it too late to pretend he didn’t remember anything about yesterday?
Dan let out a whine, already planning to move to Australia when he typed an answer.
Dan: sure
Dan: when?
He had enough time to get up and force himself to eat some toast and an aspirin before Phil answered.
Phil: around 15? Does that work?
Dan: yes
Dan kept staring at his phone even long after he sent the last answer. Even though the pain killers helped with the throbbing headache, they didn’t lessen his anxiety at all. The anxiety that was pinching his gut, and making him feel sick. It made his chest hurt, and his eyes water.
What if this was super uncomfortable for Phil, and he just wanted to let Dan know to never talk to him again. Would he quit? Would Dan have to quit? What should he tell his parents? Hell, he wasn’t even out yet , to anyone .
When he felt his breath quicken, he forced himself up to go take a shower. First as cold as he could muster to make his mind stop spiralling, then as warm as it got to relax his muscles.
“Stop freaking,” he told himself. “You don’t even know what he’ll say. No need to go to the worst case yet.”
Yet , his mind answered.
He left the house way too early and started walking towards their bar before he realised Phil had never said a location. He didn’t take the bus so he could stall for some time and so his mind didn’t stray too far.
It must be their bar, right? There weren’t a lot of places open on a Sunday afternoon and what else could he have meant with coffee?
When Dan entered the bar only Alice was there. She smiled warmly, and gave a little wave but didn’t greet him any other way.
Phil wasn’t here.
Against his better judgement Dan sat down at one of their tables in the corner, back to the wall. He studied the menu even though he knew it by heart, just to look as if he had something to do.
Long before the agreed time, Phil entered the bar too. He spotted Dan, gave Alice a small greeting, and then headed straight for the place opposite to Dan’s.
When he sat down Dan’s stomach swooped.
This was it.
This would decide everything.
“Hey,” Phil opened, showing that smile again. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
“Yeah.” Dan’s throat felt dry, so he coughed. “Same.”
Suddenly Phil looked nervous. Maybe just as nervous as Dan was feeling this moment.
Was this a bad sign, or a good one? Dan couldn’t tell.
“So, do you remember what you told me yesterday?” Phil asked.
Say no, say no, say no, say no.
“Yes.”
Another smile.
“Is that really how you feel?”
Still time to deny.
“Yes.”
Relief, excitement, again that beautiful smile.
“That’s good.” Phil said, almost as if to himself. He looked down at the table before them, cheeks burning. “I actually have had a crush on you for months now and I never had the guts to say anything.”
The free fall in Dan’s stomach stopped as immediately as it had begun. He almost toppled over.
“ What ?” he heard himself ask, voice almost cracking. “Really?” And then, before he could stop himself. “ Why?? ”
There it was again, this radiant smile driving him insane.
Phil gave a laugh. “Really.”
“And, what now?” Dan asked, excited. Smiling. Fidgeting. Terrified of the opportunities.
“I don’t know.” Phil said, shrugging, but he still smiled. “Want to go watch a movie? Popcorn on me.”
“You had me at ‘I don’t know’”, Dan joked, feeling their fingers brush together again on the table, feeling the electricity seizing up his arm. “But a movie sounds amazing.”