Chapter Text
Remus wishes he was killed. He didn’t commit a crime but existing was enough of a reason for him. He was a monster. He knew it. No matter what Dumbledore said or his friends. He knew deep down he was a monster who should have died the moment he became this thing.
Every full moon he hoped someone would take him down. But Dumbledore had promised his safety and it alway held up. No one knew about his monthly transformations. Dumbledore and his friends, he also had a good feeling a handful of his other professors knew. They cut him slack on the days leading up to the full moon. They never told him about making up missing assignments. He did them anyway.
He didn’t want to live like this. Feeling controlled. Never in control. He felt like he always got the easy way out.
It’s why he worked harder. Always did his assignments even the lessons he would've missed because of his transformation.
He pushed himself to a breaking point. Getting up only a few hours after staying in the hospital wing. James and Sirius telling him to rest but ignoring them. He knows they care but they just don't get it. This is what Remus
needs to do. To feel himself, to feel in control.
He never felt more out of control than that night.
He woke up covered in blood, his and oh. Oh. He cried until Madam Pomfery came for him. Helping him to the hospital wing like always.
She reassured him everything was alright but he wasn't listening. He was more focused on the breathing of the person behind the curtains next to his own hospital bed.
“James saved him. He’ll be alright. Just need to rest.”
Remus knew she was the best in her field and she always never said something if not certain. But Remus couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt.
He did this. The person laying in that bed was injured. The person was innocent. This was all his fault. How did this even happen?
No one else knew. No one but…
“Sirius, where is he? Is he?”
Remus turned to look at the bed and looked back at her. She shook her head placing a glass of water on his bedside table.
“You mentioned james. So where is he?”
She had a solemn look on her face.
“Him and James are outside discussing a few things. I think it'll be best for him to talk to you.”
Remus simply nodded and looked back over to the curtains. Listening to breathing.
“Who?”
“Do you really wanna know right now? You should be resting.”
He shook his head, not taking his eyes away from the curtains.
“Mr.snape.”
Remus felt all the blood in his face as he turned his head to her. Then the doors opened.
He felt the heat rise back to his cheeks. He knew how this happened. He pieced it together and with the full moon only hours behind him, his blood was boiling.
Sirius and James could probably see him seething with anger. They slowly approach. Sirius being the first to speak.
“Moony-”
“Don’t Moony me. What the fuck did you do?”
James took a step forward standing between both of his closest friends.
“How about we all take a seat and talk.”
Remus bit his tongue not to snap back, he simply nodded looking back to the curtain focusing on the person who now he knew was Snape. He turned back to his friends, still focusing on the breathing letting it calm him.
“Speak.”
“It was stupid. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it. I just, he was getting to close-”
“Enough! Why did you think this was the best fucking soultion?”
“It was just supposed to be a prank!”
That had done it.
“Out.”
“What?”
“I said get out. Get the fuck out!”
Sirius had gone to open his mouth before James just tapped his shoulder.
Remus watched his friends backs as they walked toward the door.
“It was just a stupid prank. I was just trying to apologize, I didn't expect you to blow a fuse.”
He muttered under his breath, James stole a glance at Remus and even he knew that was taking it too far.
Remus didn't reply or move. James shivered as he saw how calm Remus was portraying himself. But he also saw how tightly Remus gripped the covers of the hospital bed he sat in. His tan knuckles are going stark white.
“Shut it and just respect his wishes. He’ll come around.” James opened the door, stealing one more look at Remus and stepping out the room himself.
“Eventually.” he muttered to himself before the door closed once more.
Remus’ blood boiled. They were his friends. They were supposed to be anyways.
‘It was a stupid prank’ How could Sirius even look him in the eyes and say that? He almost killed someone. He was the one who lost control. He was the one who was the monster. His best friend betrayed him. He knew.
Sirius knew how Remus had viewed himself. He knew Remus would have put himself up for death if everyone around him told him not to. That it was safe. No one was getting hurt.
But someone did get hurt. He hurt them.
Remus laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep, he kept focusing on the bed next to him. He was all too alert. To every creak, shuffle and small breath he heard from behind the curtain.
Remus didn’t try this time. He didn’t force himself out of bed to finish the rest of the day's classes. He didn’t care anymore. For him this was it. He would be taken away and killed. He wasn't even registered. He couldn’t be bothered to think about what would happen to dumbledore. He would try to sweep it under most likely. Madame Pomfrey had no issue with him staying. She always urged him to stay but always declined saying he was feeling better with only a few hours of rest. They both knew he was lying. She didn’t ask any questions on why this time he stayed. She probably could take a guess but she wasn’t gonna pry. That's one thing he could appreciate about the women alongside her already caring nature.
When she went behind Snape's curtains, he could hear her talking. Before her offering water.
“How long have I been here?”
His voice sounded hoarse.
“Only a few hours dear. I encourage you to get some more rest. While I monitor the potions I gave you. All your professors have been sent a notice to explain your absence.”
Remus couldn't see it but could assume he nodded in response before drinking more water.
“Now that you're up. I need you to take this potion as well.”
“None of that now. It's to help with the healing and would help lessen any scarring.”
Oh. Remus tuned out after that. He left scars?