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Coffee
He never really seemed alive until he’d had his morning dose of caffeine. He always sat at the table in the same zombie-like sate, clinging to his steaming mug as if it held his very life. Miles liked to watch him then. There was something about the image of Alex sitting there that he found very endearing. Sort of…cute. No. Cute definitely wasn’t the right word to describe another guy. As Miles continued to stare, however, he couldn’t think of any word that fit the other boy better than cute.
Secret
It was something Alex would take to his grave. The way he watched Miles when no one would notice. The things he thought about him that made him secretly terrified that someone might hear his thoughts. He knew he shouldn’t think those things about a friend – his best friend no less – but he still did. He thought about the way his lips moved against the mic when he sang, and wondered what they’d feel against Alex instead. Sometimes he lost himself in these thoughts completely, and it terrified him that one day he could slip up, and Miles would know his secret.
Connection
When they were with each other, it was different than when either of them was with anyone else. There wasn’t that feeling of completeness unless it was Alex and Miles. They could spend hours…days doing almost nothing, just being together. Sometimes they talked sometimes they just sat in silence, most often Miles would ramble while Alex Stayed silence, but even that was comfortable. Miles didn’t expect replies, and Alex didn’t feel obligated to talk. They what the other expected in a conversation, or when they were writing music, or in whatever else they found themselves up to. Miles and Alex were just right together.
Strange
Miles often noticed the way Alex would stare at him when he thought no one could see. He was never sure what these looks meant but they left him with an uneasy feeling. It was downright unnerving to be watched with that kind of intensity, yet it excited him. He could never accept the idea that he was excited by Alex. Surely it was some other feeling. Something normal. Something innocent.
Missing time
The last night before they were scheduled to part ways, go back to their separate lives, they drank too much. They laughed too much. They were probably touching too much. They sang at some point, harmonies surprisingly accurate considering the state they were in. They were both elated, spinning with the energy left over from their gig. At this point in the morning they were by themselves, pretending it wasn’t almost day. Suddenly they were both aware that they were too close together, half wrapped up in each other on a couch, but it wasn’t as if they never toughed, and neither of them cared enough to move. Finally, just before sleep took them, Alex found that he couldn’t stop himself from closing the small gap between them and pressing his lips to Miles’.
Head
When he awoke, there was only just enough time for Miles to get up and leave in a hurry. It wasn’t until several hours later that Miles finally had a moment to breath. And realize just how badly his head was throbbing. He imagined that the sensation was similar to that of having a blunt metal object lodged in his skull. It was hardly surprising, considering how much he remembered drinking, and he suspected he didn’t remember much of the previous night. AS he considered it, he realized he had some vague recollection of Alex’s lips on his. That could very well have been a dream though, and considering that Alex hadn’t mentioned it this morning, it Miles concluded that it probably was dream. And he would never admit that part of him wished it wasn’t.
Sex
Sometimes Alex would imagine what it would feel like to have sex with another man. He knew he would like it. He also knew it would never happen, the first of the long list of reasons being that he had a beautiful girlfriend at home. That didn’t stop him from getting off on the images in his head though. The only time he ever felt guilty for these thoughts was when, for a moment, the man in his mind became Miles.
2 a.m.
The realization came at some awful hour in the morning. Miles found himself lying awake after a dream. He couldn’t remember the dream, it was probably nothing special. His beautiful girlfriend was asleep beside him, peaceful and unaware. He admired her for a while thinking of all of the things he loved about her, about her looks. His favorite thing was her smile. He always knew that she was truly, deeply in love with him when she smiled. It was so pure and genuine, like she had never been happier. It was a lot like the way Alex smiled around him. It was the same way Alex smiled around him.
Obsession
Years had passed since their first tour together. They had seen each other occasionally, but they had not had that feeling of being the center of their world since the beginning in France. Every time they talked Alex tried to figure out what Miles reaction was to their kiss, or if he even remembered it. When he was feeling brave he’d throw out a comment about Mile’s good looks. It became his personal goal to figure out Miles without directly bringing up the subject. He never got a reaction he understood until Miles had been at his flat, changing the song they were working on in just the right way, so that the same note sounded a thousand times better.
“That’s so perfect, I feel like I could kiss you right now…”
Torture
As soon as Alex voiced the thought, he could see Miles hadn’t taken his comment jokingly. He wanted to watch Miles’ face, see what he was thinking, whether he would smile or frown or leave, but Alex couldn’t bring himself to look up from the guitar in his lap. He could wait through this, most trying silence, hoping that the outcome wouldn’t be too disastrous. Even years later, looking back on that moment, Alex wouldn’t remember how much time passed in the silence. It could have minutes or a fraction of a second, but it was most certainly the most tormenting silence he had ever endured.
Lull and Storm
The stillness of the room was broken by softly spoken question.
“Why don’t you then?”
Another stunned silence overtook them.
“…Guitar… i‘s in th’way…”
Slowly, as slowly as possible, Miles set down the instrument he was holding and stood up. He covered the few step between his chair and the couch Alex was sitting on, grabbing his guitar and moving it to the side. As he did Alex stood up, carefully bringing his hands to either side of Miles’ head and pulling him closer. They kissed, hesitantly, and the calm spell in the room was broken.
Rip
When Miles finally relocated his shirt he quickly realized it would no longer serve its function. Besides missing several buttons, there was a conspicuous gap between the top of the right sleeve and shoulder seem. Digging through Alex’s closet was a painful task; none of his shirts were something Miles wanted to wear. He must have audibly voiced his distaste, because he could hear some kind of mumbling coming from the bed. It seemed to be something vaguely insulting about Miles’ vanity.
Want
By the time Miles had dressed himself, Alex had only managed to sit up, somewhat slouched, against the headboard, half buried in a thick comforter. He watched Miles’ actions from across the room through heavy, tired eyes. He didn’t want Miles to have somewhere else to be. He wanted to lay with him for the day. Miles looked over to Alex, in his familiar pre-caffeine morning state, and wanted nothing more than to hold that cute person.