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Dean has been getting into gambling those last few months. It’s helping him perfect his poker face, and the risk of it all gives him a rush. He mostly hustles frat boys who think they can line their pockets with the savings of smaller kids. If he loses, he just beats their asses and steals their money anyway which is good fight training. It's win-win, really.
A couple of them take a liking to his spitfire attitude. They think it's funny when he threatens to kick all their asses even though he's still smaller than most of them. It's condescending, but they invite him to an actual real life frat party so Dean will take it.
It's on Friday so he invents some bullshit about a girlfriend named Katie and going to the movies with her. Dad likes it when he talks about girls. He always sounds like he would want nothing more than for Dean to find a nice girl and settle down one day. It's kinda ironic when dad's also the one stopping them from growing roots and forcing them into the hunter way of life. Whatever.
Dean puts on his largest coat and a few more layers. His shoulders are getting wider and he's one of tallest guys in most of his classes, but he's still a little twink compared to those college guys. He's got pubes now, and hair under his arms. Still no sign of a beard coming in though. He wonders if he'll be able to score a few college chicks anyway.
********
Turns out college chicks find him cute as hell and love his cocky attitude. He whines about having never seen boobs before (as if) and suddenly they're all lifting their shirts like it's their personal responsibility to educate him on girl's anatomy.
College parties are awesome .
********
When they move into the next town, it looks like they're going to stay there a while. They recognize the signs now.
Sammy jumps on dad like a lion on red meat, asking if he can join the soccer team. When dad accepts, Dean understands that he probably shouldn't stir up too much shit here because he might not be able to run away as fast as usual.
Dad gets real serious about training them. On Saturdays, he teaches them to shoot with all kinds of different weapons, from bows to freaking grenade launchers.
Dean loves it.
Why wouldn't he when he gets to blow up stuff? Shooting also happens to be his strong suit, so it helps keep the peace with dad.
Not so much for Sammy who acts like he hates guns, violence, wars, hunting, and pretty much everything dad tries to teach them.
He's still acting weird too, whispering to nothing all the time and really getting into kid shit that he'd never cared about before. He also has more and more nightmares. Sometimes, he wakes up convinced that something bad is going to happen on a hunt. Dad looks really freaked out when they realize Sam's generally right.
Yet again, hunting is dangerous so of course some bad things are going to happen. That doesn't make Sam a medium or anything.
Shit blows up between dad and Sammy on the kid's tenth birthday. There's some big soccer game on that day, but it happens to be a Saturday so dad drives them to the training ground to shoot with bows instead.
Sam is not happy about that.
Dean barely manages to diffuse the situation by acting super giddy about how he hits the bull's eye every time and trying to poke at Sammy's competitive side. It entices Sam enough to at least pick up his bow. He still sulks all the way though.
Dad is no better. They taunt each other until the whole situation explodes again. Sammy doesn't want to have anything to do with hunting. He talks about choosing his own path and all that shit, like they ever even had a choice in the matter.
"I hate hunting and I hate you!" Sam yells.
It's not the first time he's said it. It's selfish, but Dean secretly prefers it when Sam says 'you' instead of 'this family' because then, what does that mean about Dean?
Sammy plants his feet right in front of their father, chin jutted as he glares right into his eyes. Dean gulps when he notices the way his father is squeezing his fists by his side, fingers twitching like he wants to throw a punch. Dean slides into the space between them, it's so tight that his chest is right against dad's.
"He doesn't mean that, sir."
"Yes I do!" Sam yells from behind him, trying to sidestep his older brother. Dean puts a hand right in his face to keep him away, ignoring the way Sam sputters in indignation and struggles against it.
"It's his birthday and he's pissed off he doesn't get to be with his friends, that's all."
Dad is breathing deep with anger. He looks down at Sam just as the kid manages to free himself from Dean's hold. Sam glares back.
"You better keep that kid in line, Dean."
"Yes, sir, I will."
"It's not Dean's job to-"
"It is , Sam," Dean affirms, getting in his brother's face so suddenly that it shuts him up. "Now stop being a little bitch and grab that damn bow."
Dean never speaks to Sam like that. Never. Sam looks like he just stabbed him in the heart, betrayed that Dean is taking their father's side against him.
He doesn't get it yet. He doesn't get how important this all is. He doesn't get that he needs to be ready. Sammy doesn't get that he's the best of them and that he's going to be the best goddamn hunter too. He has to. Dean won't let him become anything less, not when his little brother's life is on the line.
Dad pats Dean on the back when Sammy turns around and go pick up his bow
********
Dad takes him on more and more hunts these days. Dean is fifteen now, it's about damn time he gets to do something other than those shitty ghost hunts dad has had him do for years. They take out a Wendigo, a couple of Djinns and a Chupacabra. Each time Dean tries to be the perfect soldier, to obey every order to the letter. His dad is the one that knows better after all. He's the one that knows about monsters and how to best protect his family.
Sammy is still problematic, still whispering to something (someone? Dean has heard him call it 'Sully'). Dean's asked Bobby about it, asked what kind of monster would be visible only to Sam and able to follow them despite all the defenses they put out. Bobby said he would talk to Sam about it. Dean's not sure what Sam told him, but Bobby tells Dean not to worry about it, that Sam is just being a normal kid that feels lonely.
"Why would he feel lonely, he has me ."
********
Things between Dean and dad get better while things between Sam and dad get worse. They barely talk those days, even though Dean can see that his dad tries.
For Sammy's next birthday, dad buys him the computer Sam's been gushing about. Something called a Macintosh that takes up most of the kitchen table. Dean has a feeling that he's going to be the one having to haul the damn thing to every new motel room for the next few years.
So far, they've been in the same place for nearly a year now. Dean knows it's because Sammy loves playing soccer. It's impractical because it means that Dean and dad have to leave him alone to do a bunch of hunts on the other side of the country. Then they're barely back before they hear about something happening in Kansas and dad is gone again. Staying here means they see dad less. Maybe that's why Sammy seems to like it so much here after all.
They're just back from a werewolf's hunt when dad leaves again. He says he'll be back in a month and it doesn't take long for Dean to realize the money he's left won't last that long. Even with some of what Dean has won at side hustles, they'll barely have enough to last them two weeks, three if Dean only eats one meal a day.
Poker is generally a sure thing so Dean puts all the money he has on the mat, hoping to at least double it. Instead he loses it all and gets his ass kicked because those specific frat boys are really into karate apparently. Just his luck.
He limps back to the hotel room, mind running as he wonders how he's going to put food on Sammy's plate for the next couple weeks. Dad is gonna be gone for a whole month, at least, and now all they have is half a box of Lucky Charms and a few cans of soups. They're fucked. Dean fucked up.
Dean only eats half a bowl of soup over the next two days. Sammy is already complaining about the food diversity like he's in a freaking gourmet restaurant.
"I need to chew, Dean! I can't eat soup at every meal, especially not at breakfast!"
There are no Lucky Charms left, no milk, and barely half a glass of orange juice left in the fridge.
"Alright, I'll go buy us some stuff," Dean grumbles, "but don't expect lobster, this isn't the freaking Ritz."
"Like I haven't noticed," Sammy says, rolling his eyes as he nods at the dark stains on the ceiling. Those have been growing freakishly fast.
Dean stole many things in his life. He's good at it. Except today he's so hungry his hands are shaking and he ends up dropping the freaking jar of peanut butter, and catching the eyes of the shop owner. It's just his luck that a couple of cops enter the gas station just as Dean tries to run away. He slams right into one of the cops and ends up face first on the hood of his car. Maybe punching the cop hadn't been a stellar idea.
When the cops call his dad, he tells them they can let Dean "rot in jail". Dean isn't even surprised. Of course, dad isn't going to give up his hunt because Dean fucked up. What is he supposed to do, let people get killed so he can haul Dean's ass out of jail?
Dean is sent to some half-way house for teens: "Sonny's Home for Boys". That sounds like a pedo camp if you ask him.
Dean tries to play it cocky and smart-ass, what does that guy think, that they're going to become buddy-buddy? And then maybe Dean will end up letting him put a finger in his ass? Nah, Dean is ready to get out of there as soon as he steps in.
When Sonny talks about teaching him discipline and responsibilities, Dean scoffs. It's all he's ever learned since he's been four years old. Look where that got him.
Dean stays for dinner and plans to skip out of here during the night. He honestly does. The food is homemade though and it's some of the best meals he's had in years. So maybe he should stay for breakfast, you know? See what a real breakfast is made of?
Dad talks big, but Dean knows he won't leave Sam alone. He's probably already on his way back, or has sent someone. He'll let Dean rot in here for a while to teach him a lesson and… and that's the thing, isn't it? If Dean runs away from here, where is he even supposed to go? His dad's mad, he’ll just slam the door to his face. Bobby would rip him a new one for being an idjit, but probably offer his couch until his dad calms down… Except Dean is on the other side of the country right now, with no money at all. How is he supposed to get to South Dakota?
The next morning, he eats like a king. He tries to skip the morning chores, but it's not worse than anything he's used to and he doesn't want to be forced to skip lunch, so he does them.
Before he even knows it, he gets sucked in the routine and the normality of it all.
He only realizes a whole month has passed when Sonny takes him out to Cus's Place, a local diner just around the corner from the farm. It's a one month's treat, Sonny explains.
Dean's actually a little disappointed about missing dinner with the other boys. He's been to hundreds of diners but he rarely gets to eat homemade food (or ever, really), let alone to sit around a table with people he appreciates. The boys at the house are all either badass, broken, or both (like him). He's been into a few fights, had to share a few get along shirts, but he's mostly cool with everyone now. He's not used to hanging with kids his age like that and he finds he likes it.
A couple of them have noticed how good he is at roughhousing and they got him to try for the wrestling team. Dean's not sure why he did. Maybe that could be good training though. He remembers being pinned to the ground by that skinwalker and getting his face punched in. Maybe if he had known a few wrestling moves he could have gotten out from under that monster, maybe Sammy wouldn't have gotten hurt if he had.
When Sonny tells him he's proud of the progress he made, Dean feels awful. He's just playing a role here, just trying to be the normal boy Sonny wants him to be as he waits for dad to come get him. Sonny makes a whole speech about how Dean only has to be loyal to himself, has to do what's best for himself and live the life he wants to live.
No one has ever told him stuff like that before.
All his life, people have been telling him what he had to do and who he was supposed to become. Even Bobby has been training him to become a hunter from the day they met. Sure, he tries to push him to do kid stuff too, but he was still the one that showed Dean how to saw off a shotgun and make bullets. He still leads Dean on the path his father has drawn for him.
Dean has never strayed. Never questioned it. It's who he is and who he'll be his whole life.
The waitress at the dinner is cute, with dark bangs and dimples in her cheeks when she smiles. When Sonny introduces her to Dean and says she teaches guitar to some of the boys, Dean finds himself blurbing out that he wants to be a rock star.
She comes over the very next day, sits on the couch so close to him that he knows it's in the bag from the get go. She's sweet though. Not as raunchy as the girls he's been going for those last couple of years. When they start to talk, he finds himself being more honest than he's ever been with a girl. Sonny must have gotten into his head because he talks about wanting to become a mechanic.
It's not true, of course it's not true, it's a pipe dream just like becoming a rock star when you don't play any instrument and can't hold a note to save your life. He wants to become a hunter. He is a hunter. It's in his blood, it's all he knows how to be and all he's allowed to become.
But maybe someday… someday if there is no monster to fight anymore, someday if that happens (it won't, of course it won't), and he has to choose something else to do, then being a mechanic seems like a pretty sweet gig. He'd like that. Potentially.
When Robin kisses him, he's honestly surprised… and a little annoyed. He was opening his freakin heart to her, he wasn't even trying to bone her! Well, not that he doesn't want to… Jesus, what is happening to him? He'd rather talk to a chick than make out? This place is making him soft, Jesus.
He's so taken aback that he doesn't even kiss back. He's not sure how to act here. Robin is sending him mixed signals between asking him deep questions about his life (who cares? No one usually does that), and kissing him.
He gets flustered when she asks him if he's ever kissed a girl before, like she's doubting that he has. He's not sure he manages to convince her but who cares when she kisses him again. Let her believe he's a blushing virgin, she seems to like the idea of teaching him new stuff and Dean is always up for that (literally). He's playing a role here already, so what's one more? He'll be the perfect redeemed boy to Sonny, and the sweet boyfriend that Robin wants. The picture perfect american teenage boy all around
Sometimes as he sits around dinner with Robin's hand clasped into his, he wonders if that's what his life would look like if his mom hadn't died. Was that who he would have become? A teenage boy getting nervous about asking his girlfriend to prom? The kind of son that makes his parents proud just by washing the dishes after dinner? A big brother that would teach Sam how to throw a football, not shoot a gun? Is that what it's like for other boys his age? Do they really have it so easy?
He surprises himself daydreaming about prom and the next wrestling match. He's never even danced with a girl before. He's the kind of guy you make out with in the janitor's closet. Girls don't want him to meet their parents. They don't expect anything out of him and that's who he's always been. Yet he kinda really really wants to dance with Robin at prom. To feel what it's like to have her pressed against him, just swaying to the rhythm among other teenagers. Is it like in the movies? Do you really just forget everyone around and dance in your little love bubble and enjoy each oth- Jesus Christ, what is he becoming, a girl?? Get a grip, Winchester.
Of course, dad comes to get him right before prom. On the same fucking night.
Dean had himself convinced that he didn't really care, that it was just a scam, yet as soon as Sonny tells him his dad is here to get him, he feels tears burning his eyes. In one freaking second the ball of anger that had been getting smaller and smaller comes back full force because of course dad wouldn't let him have this one thing.
Who the fuck do you think you are, Pinocchio? Of course, dad will never let you be a real boy. Dean's not a normal teen, he's not a sweet girl's boyfriend. He's a soldier. He's Dean freaking Winchester.
Sonny tells him that he's ready to stick out his neck and fight for him to stay. He has no idea that dad wouldn't even hesitate to stab that neck. Dad won't let him stay. Dean's place is not here, it never was.
When Dean looks out the window, he sees Sam hanging out the Impala's backseat window, playing with a toy plane.
And that's it, isn't it? Why is he even second guessing who he is?
He's Sammy's big brother. He's Sam's protector.
That's his number one priority, it has always been. It's who he is.
He's got a job to do.
********
It's harder than he thought to get back into it all after that. Dean's only been gone for two months, but he feels like it's lasted longer. Probably because he was on a whole different planet.
He's still got his head in the clouds when he wakes up one day and dad is already drunk at eight in the morning. Probably still drunk from last night actually, and still going strong with a bottle in his hand.
Dad rarely drinks so much that he can't be in a state to protect them if he has to. Not since H. Not since he couldn't even hold himself on his two legs and that ended up with Dean … Dean being hurt. That night sure had sobered him up. Dad's never drank that much since then. The only day he allows himself to get drunker than his perpetual functioning low level of inebriation is…
Shit.
It hits Dean at once and takes all the air from his lungs.
Today's the anniversary of his mom's death.
When Dean falls on the couch next to his dad, his dad's eyes roam over his face for a long time. Dean knows he's searching for traces of Mary on Dean's features. He used to look so much like her when he was a kid. He's not sure he looks like her anymore. He doesn't remember her enough to tell. The thought makes him choke on a sob. His dad extends the bottle of whisky to him. He's probably the only other person in the world that knows how it feels to miss mom so much, to notice the gigantic hole her absence left in their life.
Sammy doesn't know. He doesn't remember her, doesn't know who she was. How could you miss someone you never knew?
He asks Dean about her sometimes. Half of what Dean answers is made up because he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't remember her all that much anymore, that he's forgotten. So he makes up stories that he wishes had been true so Sam can feel like he knows her, can build an image of her in his head and think "That. That's what my mom was like". Maybe that way Sam will miss her too. Maybe he'll be able to use his imagination to fill the hole she left where a mother should be.
Dad is the only one that has the true answers to Sam's question. To Dean's.
Dean learned early on that you dare to speak of her at your own risk. The emotions that she provokes in dad are always so sharp that you end up getting cut on them, and regretting having ever opened your mouth. There are just things you don't talk about in the Winchester family. Mom is the thing that guides their whole life and the thing they never talk about. Her ghost follows them everywhere, yet never shows itself.
Dean doesn't take the bottle his father offers him. He desperately wants to. He can't allow to be weakened though. He needs to be the rock that holds what's left of their family together.
That's what Mom would have wanted.
********
The next night, Dean goes to a frat party. Dad is feeling a little better today, so it's Dean's turn to do what he has to to forget.
He's drunk beer before, but never as much as tonight. It makes his problems seem lighter somehow. They're still there, in the back of his mind, but he feels like they're in a fog dense enough that he can forget about them.
He stops drinking as soon as the pain feels dulled. He's not stupid enough to lose control in a place full of strangers.
He learns to play beer pong and wins some cash. His aim has always been ace. He's learned his lesson and stays away from the poker game.
Beer is pretty inconvenient, he discovers, because it makes you piss a lot. He's coming back from his second trip to the upstairs bathroom when he hears a yelp. His hunter instincts take over in a second, listening for more suspicious noises. He can hear a low growl coming from one of the bedrooms, so he tiptoes to it, one hand in his pocket where his small gun stays at all time now.
He pushes the door ajar and freezes. Two people are making out against the bedroom wall.
Two guys .
One of them has his shirt off, and Dean watches as the other one starts to lick at his nipple.
Isn't that something that girls like?
"You like what you see?" The one doing the licking asks. His cheek is resting on the other guy's chest as he looks straight at Dean with a grin that makes Dean gulp down nervously.
He's got a lean body under black torn up jeans and a white tee shirt covered by a jeans vest with the sleeves cut off. A few strands of his dark hair are falling into deep blue eyes.
Damn, Dean has always been a sucker for blue eyes.
He blushes at the thought because he likes girls with blue eyes, and that's a dude .
The dude in question slowly drags his hand over the other guy's toned stomach. Dean isn't sure why he's still here, watching this; his cock starting to harden when the dude cups the other guy's groin. Fingers follow the shape of the other guy's hard dick, pressing the fabric around the length until Dean can see the whole shape of the thing. It looks huge .
The dude in the jeans jacket chuckles at the way Dean stands there with his mouth opened and tented pants.
"Come here," he invites, extending his hand toward Dean.
Dean's not sure why his feet are moving. It must be the alcohol clouding his mind and confusing his dick, because he's not a fag, he's not . He's just… curious. That's what he tells himself when he takes the dude's hand and lets him draw him closer.
"I'm Brian," the dude says. He guides Dean's hand until it's on the other guy's dick. "This is Andrew."
Dean gulps down, eyes fixed on the shape of the dick under his fingers. It feels warm despite being covered by two layers of clothes. He squeezes curiously, testing the firmness there and Andrew lets out a long moan. Dean's cock twitches in his pants.
"Want to see more?" Brian offers.
He's watching Dean's reaction closely. Somehow Dean has the feeling that if he says no and wants to back off, Brian will let him. It's reassuring, gives him the assurance to nod his head.
"You're okay with that, Andy?"
"Hell, yes," the other guy pants.
He's not as pretty as Brian is. They both look like they're about twenty years old, probably still undergrads. Andrew's got dark blond hair, brown eyes with a round face and a soft stomach. His cock, though, when it is revealed, is the most impressive thing Dean has ever seen. It's long and thick, with bulging veins that makes it look like it's going to explode from being so swollen. The head is dark pink and already wet at the tip, a drop of precum hanging from the little hole there. It makes Dean's mouth dry. But maybe that's just because it's been hanging open for a few minutes now.
Brian's hand takes his again, moving Dean's fingers so they wrap around Andrew. He guides Dean's hand on the first few strokes, making him squeeze harder, then a little less on the upstroke. Dean's been masturbating for long enough that the movement feels natural, even though the angle is weird. Plus, he can wrap his hand around his whole dick, while his fingers don't touch around this one. Dean's never been ashamed of his size before, although he wouldn't say no to a growth spurt in that department too. But this? He's never going to get as big as this, no way .
He likes it though, he likes the noise that Andrew lets out, how there are eyes on him, yet he doesn't feel like they're judging. It feels like they appreciate him. Want him.
He doesn't wait for Brian's cue to bring his other hand to play. Damn, he can nearly put both his fists at once around that thing.
"Good boy," Brian whispers in his ear, making Dean tremble from head to toe. He can feel a little precum squirt into his underwear at the words.
Brian steps behind him. He's not so close that Dean can feel his body, just his warmth. Dean is relieved by that, he's not sure he's ready to feel another man's dick against his ass. He's not sure how he'd react and he doesn't want to spoil the moment.
When Brian kisses the side of his neck, Dean shivers. "Is that okay?"
"I- I don't know," Dean confesses, feeling like an idiot. "I guess?"
"Shhh," Brian reassures, hands gently rubbing along Dean's arms from behind. "If anything feels wrong, you can tell us at any time, okay?"
Dean nods. He's not sure why there is a sob stuck in his throat, clogging it up. He ignores it and starts stroking Andrew again. Brian kisses behind his ear, below it, peppers kisses and little laps down his neck. Dean whimpers. He feels like he's in a fog, but not a bad one. Like he's in a warm cocoon somehow.
He licks his lips when a few drops of precum ooze from Andrew's dick, dripping down the head and wetting the slide of Dean's hands.
Andrew's fingers gently grab his chin, making him look up at him. The pad of his thumb pushes on Dean's bottom lip and the man moans. "Can I have your mouth?"
Dean is so transfixed by everything that is happening, that he doesn't even question the fact that he's about to kiss a dude, he just leans forward.
Two fingers on his lips stop him as Andrew chuckles, "That's nice, sweetheart, but that's not where I want them."
Dean blushes up to his ears.
Brian leans his chin on his shoulder from behind and tuts, "Don't push the boy, Andy." He slides until he's standing between Andrew and Dean, taking both of Dean's hands in his again. "What's your name, handsome?"
Dean should probably give a fake name. Hell, he should get the hell out of there and stop being such a fag. What would his dad say? Jesus, he would kill him.
His silent freak out session is interrupted when Brian brings Dean's hand up and starts sucking lightly on two of his fingers, deep blue eyes right on him. Dean's dick is suddenly wholly on board again, bringing his mind right with it. He watches the way Brian's pink mouth stretched around his digits, how his cheek hollowed out above his sharp jawline.
"Dean," he gasps. "My name is Dean."
"Have you ever been sucked off, Dean?" The way he says his name is downright pornographic.
Behind him, Andrew looks like he's getting impatient, grabbing Brian's hips and pulling him close enough that he can rub his hard length against him. Dean wonders what it feels like. The only time someone has rubbed against him like that has been… no, he doesn't want to think about that. Not right now.
"Yes. I like it."
Brian chuckles. "Everyone likes it. The other side of it is pretty sweet too. Have you ever thought about doing that?"
"You mean," Dean hates the warmth he can feel on his cheeks, "blow a dude?"
"I mean rendering someone mad with pleasure," Brian says sensually, guiding Dean's fingers so they slide along his pink lips, "with your mouth," he finishes with a little nip on the pad of Dean's index finger.
"I don't…"
"I could teach you, if you want," Brian offers, eyes half hooded. His eyelashes are really long, they make his eyes as pretty as a girl's.
Dean's mouth is salivating at the idea. He's gone this far, hasn't he? He'd never even thought about sucking a guy's dick before, but right now he feels like he really really wants to. He leans to the side, looking at the monstrous thing hanging between Andrew's legs.
"There is no way that fits," he says with round eyes.
Brian chuckles again, fingers sliding along Dean's throat, "Oh believe me, it can fit really well in quite a number of places."
Dean knows what he means. He's seen some porn on the motel's tv at night. There is no way that thing can get into someone's asshole without tearing it. Dean's a curious boy, he's tried to shove a finger in there in the shower a couple of times (not that he would ever admit it), he's felt how tight it is back there. There is no way something that big is ever going near his ass.
"Just my mouth, right?" He's suddenly worried they'll actually try to shove that monster dick into uncomfortable places.
"Only if you want to."
"Please, want to," Andrew rasps, eyes fixed on Dean's mouth.
In answer, Dean drops to his knees. Both men grunt. As Brian is standing in front of Andrew, Dean is effectively kneeling in front of him. There's a bulge in his pants too. Dean is about to touch it, but he stops his hand a few inches from it and looks up, asking silent permission with his eyes.
"Fuck yes," Brian gasps.
Andrew whines in frustration.
Brian's pants are already opened, so Dean pulls them down, then his underwear. Brian's dick is nowhere as impressive as Andrew's (not many would be), but it's a decent size. It's thinner, but long and leaning a little to the left. Uncut, which makes Dean curiously pull on the little hood, playing with it a few times, bringing it up and down. Brian's noises seem to indicate he likes that.
Dean's never seen a dick so close. It's literally just under his nose. When he pokes the cockhead with the tip of his tongue, both men make a sound like they're dying.
Brian pets Dean's hair though, making him back off a little. "I think our friend Andrew is becoming very jealous back there. Is it okay if we lie on the bed?"
Dean looks up at where Andrew is looking at him above Brian's shoulder. Yeah. Dean kind of wants that giant dick in his mouth now.
Brian starts kissing Dean's neck again and invites him to take his clothes off. Down to his boxer shorts, Dean hesitates about taking it off and exposing his butt. They're gay, what if they try to do things to it?
Andrew is lying on his back with a pillow behind his head, his legs spreaded in invitation. Dean can see everything from here, his heavy balls, giant cock and even the underside of his butt. Brian has climbed on the bed next to Andrew's side. They've started kissing, hands roaming over each other's body.
Dean wants that.
He wants them to touch him like that too, to touch him everywhere. So what if they touch his butt? Despite everything that dad has ingrained in him about not trusting strangers, Dean feels like he can trust those two to not do anything to him that he doesn't want. Especially Brian who's been careful and so gentle with him up until then, making sure Dean is comfortable with everything they do here. Maybe Dean's wrong again, maybe dad is right and you really can't trust anyone. Dean is willing to take that risk.
He's been hurt before and has survived. If push comes to shove he can hand them both their asses and run away. He's not a pussy, he's not scared. For some twisted reason that Dean doesn't want to think about, he wants that, and he's going to go for it. He's going to suck that gigantic dick even if that kills him.
He drops his underwear and climbs on the bed. He crawls on all four between Andrew's legs like the guy is inviting him to. He kneels there. When he's not sure how to proceed, he looks to Brian for instruction. The blue-eyed boy smiles like he knew he would. His eyes purposely roams over Dean's body and Dean relishes the desire and admiration he feels under his gaze.
Andrew too is looking at him like he wants to devour him. He's the one that sits up, grabs the back of his head and smashes their lips together.
Kissing a boy feels as good as kissing a girl. Dean is surprised by that. He never believed he would like it. It's better in some ways, because Andrew isn't shy or hesitant, he takes what he wants from him. Dean loves that. He loves the scratch of Andrew's scruff on his chin, the way his hand holds him firmly against him, how he doesn't think twice before he starts to tug on Dean's dick. Dean throws his head back at the harsh stroke. He's not sure whose teeth are on his neck. No, wait, there are two mouths there.
When Brian kisses him, it feels different. He's less harsh, softer, yet knows exactly what he wants. While Andrew likes biting Dean's lips to make them puff out, Brian soothes them with tiny licks that nearly tickle. Andrew plunders his mouth with his tongue whereas Brian sucks on his and plays with his lips. They take turns kissing for a while. It's the best make out session Dean has ever had. There are hands all over his body. He's not sure who's touching who.
When Andrew pushes on his shoulder to make him go lower, Dean is so turned on and out of his head that he gladly takes the invitation. Modesty doesn't even cross his mind when he leans forward with his ass high in the air and grabs Andrew's hard member. It's sticky with precum, leaking profusely. Dean sends a quick look to Brian who wink at him, boosting his confidence enough to stick out his tongue and taste it. It doesn't taste as strong as Dean thought it would, the smell more intoxicating than the actual taste.
He tries to copy what he likes chick doing on him. He licks and strokes, trying to delay the moment he'll have to actually put it in his mouth because, let's be honest, he's a little intimidated by it and still not sure it can fit in there. After a while, Andrew lets out a frustrated groan, getting impatient under Dean's teasing.
He grabs the base of his dick and the back of Dean's head. He doesn't push, doesn't force. He just puts the head of his dick against Dean's closed lips, painting them with the wetness there until Dean opens up. "Come on, baby boy, open up for daddy."
Dean looks up, hesitant about the praise. His dick seemed to like it. His brain, not so much.
"Go slowly, take only what you can," Brian reassures with a gentle smile. He leans forward from where he's sitting next to Andrew. He kisses Dean, teasing his lips open and thrusting his tongue in like he's trying to teach him what to do. "You're going to be fantastic."
That boosts Dean confidence enough that he puts his mouth around Andrew who groans a "Fucking finally!" His hand is still on the back of Dean's head. Dean is a little wary of it, yet Andrew puts no pressure on him. He's just holding on as Dean pushes more of him in his mouth. The head is barely in and it feels like too much already, like he can't possibly take more.
"Use your hand, handsome. Stroke what you can't fit."
When Dean experimentally sucks, Andrew lets out a shout, body twitching like it wants to buck up into Dean's mouth.
"That's it, you're doing so good," Brian compliments, stroking himself as he looks at the place where Dean's lips are stretching tight.
Dean feels something warm grow in his chest at the praise. It makes him bold enough to try and take more of it. Too much. He sputters and gets off.
The other two men chuckle, but it's not mean or mocking. "Happens to the best of us, don't worry. You move back or try to push through, whatever feels right to you," Brian says, passing a hand in Dean's hair to invite him to get closer again.
Dean opens up and lets Brian guide his head forward. Where he was nervous with Andrew's hand on his head, now he completely lets go under Brian's guidance. He's not sure why he's trusting that stranger so blindly. He's never been praised and spoken to that gently before, it makes him feel like he'll do anything to please Brian, anything not to make him mad or disappoint him.
From the corner of his eyes, he can see Brian stroking his own cock in the same rhythm as he pushes Dean's head back and forth. Andrew is starting to pant under him, cursing and moaning more and more the faster and deeper Dean goes. It's thrilling to suck or push his tongue somewhere just to get a vocal response from Andrew. It makes him feel powerful in a way he never has before. He's on his knees sucking dick, another man controlling every move of his head, yet he feels like he's the one in control, the center of everyone's attention.
Dean whines when Brian releases his head and disappears from his field of vision. He keeps his rhythm though, alternating between sucking and licking while he gets his breath back.
He tenses up when he feels a hand on the small of his back, it's only a quick caress before it slides to his hips, inviting him to raise them higher, to spread his thighs wider. He releases Andrew's member and looks back, only to see Brian sliding on his back. He's glad he did because he would have definitely choked on Andrew's dick when Brian's mouth suddenly engulfs him.
Surprised, Dean thrusts down into the mouth of the man lying under him, between Dean's knees. He apologizes, trying to get his hips back up, but Brian grabs his ass and pushes him right back down. Dean's cock slides all the way against his palate before Brian's throat closes up around him. Dean nearly comes right there and then. No girl has ever done that to him, especially when Brian holds him there, his throat massaging the head of his cock.
"Please," Dean whimpers, not sure if he wants more or if it's too much.
Brian hums around him, the vibration making Dean tremble from head to toes. The older boy guides Dean's hips up, and then down again, inviting him to thrust more shallowly into his mouth until Dean doesn't feel so overwhelmed anymore.
He's so gone that he has forgotten all about what he was doing until Andrew's hand is back on his head, guiding him closer. Dean opens his mouth. He moans at the heady taste of Andrew filling his mouth again. The older man pushes a little farther than Dean had before, just as Dean is groaning at Brian's ministrations, and Andrew's cockhead slides right into his throat. Dean still chokes on it after about two seconds, pushing away and panting for breath. He gets it now though, he understands how to relax his throat enough for it to fit.
They get into the rhythm of it, Andrew fucking up in his mouth while Dean fucks down in Brian's throat. There is so much sensation. Dean gets a little overwhelmed, mind hazy and pleasure making his brain shut up for the first time … ever .
Dean doesn't expect it when his pleasure finally reaches its peak. He's been floating on so much of it that it nearly feels like relief when it explodes out of him, like he couldn't possibly have taken more of it. He buries his face in Andrew's hip, his own stuttering in a last few thrusts before Brian grabs his ass and pushes him in as far as he can go. If he wasn't so far gone, Dean would probably be embarrassed about the noises he makes when he cums, or the tears streaming down his face.
He lets himself fall between Andrew's legs as soon as Brian slips out from under him. An arm encircles his torso from behind, Brian is kissing the back of his neck; his whole body aligning itself over Dean's. He can feel Brian's cock against his ass, but Dean is still floating too much to care. Brian sits up on the back of his legs, inviting Dean to raise up on his elbows. Dean can barely lift himself, body still trembling with aftershocks. He watches through hooded eyes as Andrew's starts stroking himself in front of his face.
"You're so fucking pretty," Andrew groans as he strokes himself faster and faster.
Behind him, he can hear as Brian strokes himself too. "You've been so good, Dean. You're perfect, our perfect slutty boy."
Their moans of pleasure are nearly simultaneous as they both come, painting his face and ass with their releases. The noise Dean lets out is wanton, mind clouded by pleasure at the idea that he's going to wear their marks on him, that even when this will be over, his skin will bear traces of this moment.
This is fucking life changing.
********
Dean has barely washed off when he gets his gay freakout.
What the hell did he do?
Does that mean he's a fag now?
How could he do that, he's a freaking man, men don't suck dicks!
Dean is confused and angry for the next few weeks, blowing up over nothing, seeking every opportunity to pick a fight.
His dad isn't a very patient man.
Dad hits him for the first time less than a month after he's sucked his first dick. Dean nearly feels relieved when John snaps and punches him.
The threat of it has been there for so long, hanging above his head like that Damocles sword shit. He deserves it more than ever for what he did, for what he became. It's even more of a betrayal than letting Sammy get hurt, it's a betrayal to the whole world dad has raised him in. He never succeeded in being the son his father wanted him to be, and now he'll never be. He'll never be able to erase what he did and what it did to his masculinity. Men don't suck dicks and he did… What does that make him?
Dad was right from the start, he's just a fucking sissy.
John looks more shocked than Dean when his fist breaks his son's nose. Dean drops to one knee, holding onto his bleeding nose. He could feel the bone snap, a perfect depiction of what just broke between his father and him, of a lifelong tension finally reaching its breaking point. Dean doesn't look up, doesn't say anything as he hears his father pant the last of his rage.
"Dean…" his dad finally lets out, his voice sounding so broken, like he's about to apologize for what he did. Like he could. Like he should.
"Shut the fuck up, dad."
********
Dean's not surprised when dad drops him at Bobby later that night. Dad's always been a coward when it came to facing any kind of conflict with Dean. He'll leave long enough for Dean to get worried he's not going to come back, to be ready to forgive and forget so long as his dad wants him back. What's the saying, "Ignore the problem until it disappears on its own"? Yeah, that would be the name of John Winchester's book on parenting.
Mom, Dean's first hunt, H, Ms. Lyle… Dad has swept so many things under the rug that it's becoming a fucking hill at this point.
When Bobby sees the state of Dean's nose, he grimaces. "Bad hunt?"
"Bad dad," Dean scoffs.
He doesn't even give a shit if John heard or not. He's an even worse son than John is a dad. Guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.
Dean is glad that they were on a hunt together and that Sammy wasn't there though. Because Dean will forgive dad for it, of course he will, he's not even surprised. But Sammy…Dean's not sure that Sam would ever let it go if he knew about dad hurting Dean like that. Sammy can't ever know about it.
********
When dad comes to get him a few days later, he doesn't even try to apologize. They just drive back to their motel room and talk about their next hunt. Dean is fine with it. He was spiraling out of control because of his gay freak out and his dad put him back in line. Nothing wrong with that, Dean deserved it. Hell, he's lucky it was all he got for what he did. If dad knew about Brian and Andrew, it would have been so much worse.
He still can't get what happened with those two guys out of his mind though. Still gets hard every time he thinks about it. He hates it. Hates his body for it.
********
Over the next couple weeks, Sammy starts talking more and more about a girl from school. Dean teases him endlessly for it, it's obvious his little bro has a crush.
One night at dinner with dad, Sammy announces that he's asked the girl out. He looks nervous about talking about it, but even more nervous about their date. He seems as surprised as Dean when John smiles and starts asking questions about her. They hadn't seen dad smiling like that for a long while. Sammy ends up talking their ear off about that girl's perfection and the perfect shade of her eyes or whatever, and dad actually listens to it. He even gives a few tips about flirting that makes Sammy redden and splutter. He's such a dork.
There is a glint in dad's eyes, affection and pride radiating from him. It makes Dean sick to his stomach, reminds him that dad used to be the same when Dean started talking about girls a few years back. That's what his dad has always wanted for them, isn't it? To enjoy themselves with girls, to be normal boys with crushes and dates and all that. Dad's made a real effort lately to give them some stability. They've been living here for a couple of years now. Sam has friends, clubs, and now he's going to have a girlfriend.
What has Dean done all this time? He has no friends at his school, is there just enough so as to not get flagged by CPS, his marks are barely average and he couldn't name a single one of his teachers. He's not sure when he stopped giving a shit about normality. He got a taste of it while he lived with Sonny. It didn't stick. Big deal. What's the point of making friends and being good at school when he's just going to roll out of town soon and won't even need a diploma? He doesn't need a high school diploma to gank ghosts. He doesn't need school to teach him anything anymore. He reads books, watches documentaries and does research about stuff he's interested in or knows he'll need for the job.
How is soccer gonna help Sammy against a werewolf anyway?
Still, Dean can't help but think back to how proud dad looked. To how ashamed he would be to know that the last person Dean has kissed was a boy. Two boys. That's just not right.
On the night of Sam's first date, dad is out of town. Dean fucks the motel's receptionist and tries not to think about how her mouth doesn't feel half as good as Brian's around his dick. It's the first time he fucks a girl. He's not sure why he never went that far before, he just never felt like it was the right time.
Fuck that. What is he, an afterschool special's tv heroine? There is no right time, no right person. It's not even special or anything. Janice has nice boobs, a pussy and is obviously attracted to him, that's all the reason he needs to sleep with her.
It's a little underwhelming, but what the hell was he expecting? Literal sparks, soft music and rose petals? Cuming is cuming. Cuming is great. Sex with women is awesome and he's going to do it every chance he'll get. That's who he is and what he's supposed to do. Take care of Sammy, kill monsters, obey dad, and be a stud. That's his life motto. He's got family, he's a hero and the chicks dig him. What more could he ask for? His life is awesome!
When Sammy gets back from his date, Dean jumps on the bed next to his little bro, ready to grill him.
"So, how was your date?" Dean wriggles his eyebrows.
At Sam's age he was sliding his hand under a girl's shirt for the first time. Epic moments.
"It wasn't a date. I had dinner with her family."
"So no hanky panky then?" He elbows Sam teasingly with his elbow.
Sam rolls his eyes and pushes him away. "I'm not you, you know, I don't center my life around girls and guns."
"Wow, harsh. What's got in your panties? Or is it because nothing did?"
Sam heaves a huge sigh with his usual bitchface.
"Just teasing, Sammy."
"You know I don't want you to call me that anymore!"
"Jeez, relax, why are you being such a bitch tonight?"
Sam scowls. He starts fidgeting with the edge of the blanket under them though. Dean knows his brother's tells enough to be worried.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?"
Sam chews on the side of his bottom lip. "No…"
"Wow, that's reassuring. Not!"
"It's just… It was weird, having dinner as a whole family like that."
"We have dinner together all the time."
"It's not the same," Sammy protests.
Dean wants to argue. He remembers sitting at dinner with Fiona's family a while back, though, how jarring it was and how it made him just as sad as Sammy is right now.
"Different people lead different lives, that's just not ours," Dean shrugs off.
Sam's voice gets lower, like he doesn't quite dare speak more. "But what if I want that?"
"That's just not in our cards, Sammy. We've got a job to do, we've got to avenge mom, you know that." Sam's shoulders drop and Dean feels bad, even if he's only telling the truth. "Maybe one day you'll have it. Somewhere in the future, once we've ganked whatever killed mom. Then you can have your own little family and like, eat brussel sprouts or whatever."
Sam sends a small smile to his big brother, it's both thankful and a little sad. He looks like he doesn't quite believe it.
Dean's not sure if he does. He's found out that it's just easier to bury all that and not wonder about what could be. This is their life and that's it, you've got to find out what works for you in it and hold it close. For Dean it's family and traveling around, meeting new girls and saving people. Sam will find his thing too. Dean kinda thought he did.
"I thought you liked making all that research on lores and esoterism and stuff? You're really good at it."
A few weeks ago they were talking about a hunt to another bunch of hunters, Sam was the one that had the breakthrough on the case. He told them all about the monster they were hunting and how to gank it. He knew a ton of stuff about it thanks to his computer and his love for reading all the time. Dad was so proud, he gushed about how smart his son was to all the other hunters. It changed something between them, bringing them to some kind of peace for a time. Dad started asking Sam more and more to do the lore work. Sam seemed to like it well enough.
Now Sammy just shrugs. "It's okay, I guess. I just…" He drops his head. "Amanda's father is a college professor," Sam confesses, hesitant. "He told me that if I keep up the good grades, I could get a scholarship and go to a good University, maybe even an Ivy League."
"Why the fuck would you do that?"
That's exactly the wrong thing to say, exactly what Sam was expecting. His little brother jumps off the bed, suddenly angry.
"Because there's a life beside hunting and I want to be a part of it!"
Jesus, Dean thought they were done with that part of the conversation
"And what, go to College and become a hotshot lawyer or something? Come on, that's ridiculous, Sammy."
"Don't call me that!" Sammy suddenly yells. "I'm not a little kid anymore. I should get to choose my own path!"
"Is that what Amanda's dad said?" Dean asks, starting to get pissed off too. He gets up from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed, and steps in front of his brother. He's still bigger than him, but barely just, Sammy's last growth sprout having hit him hard. There is only a few inches between them now.
"I knew you wouldn't get it."
"Because it doesn't make any sense! You're just doing this to pick up a fight with dad and get back at him for whatever you think he did wrong!"
"Whatever I think he did wrong? Do you ever hear yourself? All that he does is wrong, Dean! We're not supposed to live like that, he's not supposed to put all that on us, he shouldn'-"
"You shut your mouth," Dean rasps, glaring. "Everything dad does is for this family."
"That doesn't mean that what he does is right ," Sam insists.
Dean hates the way he's looking at him. Like Dean is stupid and just doesn't get it. Sam is the one that doesn't get it, he doesn't understand that having those thoughts is useless. All he does is complicate things and make himself sad.
Why can't Sammy just be happy that they're together?
********
Dad and he are driving to a hunt near Denver when dad says, "All our hunts are leading us east lately. There seems to be something cooking up around Phoenix. I've been thinking about moving us to Arizona. It would save up on the mileage and the leads would be fresher when we arrive." Dad pauses. "What do you think?"
Dean tilts his head in surprise. Dad has never asked his opinion (or anyone's, really). He's the one that makes all the decisions. Dean is the one that follows (whether he wants to or not).
"You know best. Whatever we need to do."
Dad nods before he sighs, "I wish your brother would think the same. He won't be happy about that."
Dean scoffs. That's an understatement. They've been in Iowa for the last two and a half years . Sam has been putting down roots and liking it. He's still playing soccer, his team just won his first tournament a couple weeks ago. He's in a bunch of nerdy extracurricular clubs at his school as well. Hell, he even has a girlfriend now.
Last week, Sammy ditched him three nights in a row to go eat snobby food with his new perfect picture family. Sure, he's been helping out on hunts, but he mostly does research, rarely going on the field. That's mostly Dean's doing because he's been motherhenning the kid since he's been three and dad is so tired of fighting with Sammy that he doesn't have the energy to fight Dean on that one anymore.
Sammy is forgetting though. He's forgetting who they are, getting lost dreaming of a life that is not for them.
"It'll do him good, I think," Dean admits.
Dad hums like he gets it. He's probably seen it too, even though Sam hasn't dared to speak of College in front of him yet. Thank God because Dean will need to put on protective gear before that conversation happens, dad will blow a fuse.
No, Dean needs to get Sammy to put his head on straight before that happens. He's tired of the constant tension in their family. Sam will fight dad over the smallest things, dad will push him with even bigger things to make a point, and Dean catches on all the heat while trying to mend the fences. It's been going on for too long.
"I've actually been thinking that it may be time for Sam to get more hands-on experience."
Dad startles. "You mean come on hunts?"
"I don't see why not. I'd been helping you out for a while when I was his age, and Sam is a better hunter than I was at the time." A small part of him hopes that his dad will contradict him on that, that dad will praise him on his hunting talents, even though they both know it's true. Dean is a good shot and headstrong, but Sammy's got the smarts to go with it.
"I can't see why not. Might do him good and help him put some things into perspective."
Dean nods.
He hates himself for it. He hates himself for having even suggested it. He wishes that Sam never had to put himself in danger like that.
But that's their life, right?
Sammy needs to be prepared for it and nothing is better training than a bunch of real hunts. Dean will be there, he'll make sure nothing happens to him. He'll protect Sam, as always, in all the ways he can.
********
As expected, Sammy does not take it well. He throws a huge fit with tears in his eyes. It makes Dean feel like shit. He could have avoided that. He could have protected Sammy from this pain.
Still, he knows deep down that it's the best for them all. As much as dad likes seeing them act like normal kids, they're not, they'll never be. Dean got that a long time ago. Dad is conflicted about it, but he knows it too. Sam has to be reminded of that, he has to understand the life they're in, because there is no way out. Not until mom's killer is out of the picture.
Staying here would have torn them apart, would have taken Sammy away from them. Dean couldn't take that risk.
Sammy doesn't talk for the two days they spend on the road. Dad takes a detour by Grand Falls. It's the most impressive thing Dean has ever seen, water falling from even higher than Niagara Falls and destroying everything on its way.
Sammy doesn't even get out of the car, sulking. He's the one that has wanted to see Grand Falls for years, Dad is making an effort here, and he doesn't even see it. He's twelve for fuck's sake, it's time he grows up and stop sulking like a little bitch when things don't go his way. Big news, Sammy, it's never going to. This life is not about getting what you want, it's about doing what you need to do.
The faster Sammy accepts that, the happier they'll be.
********
They move into a motel in Flagstaff. It's not as nice as their previous motel was, there is no separate bedroom with twin beds here. It's generally a sign that they won't be staying long.
Dean sleeps on the couch because they're getting too big to share. Sammy kicks when he sleeps and Dean gets enough bruises from hunting, he'd like to at least be able to be spared when he sleeps. Dad isn't there often anyway, so he'll just take his bed when he goes on hunts.
Dad registers them at the local schools. Dean tries to convince him that he doesn't need to go to school anymore, but dad stays firm about him getting his diploma.
It sucks.
Dad rarely takes him on hunts during the week because he doesn't want the school to flag social services. They hunt nearly every weekend, unless dad is on a longer trip. The irony is that Dean still ends up missing lots of school because he can't exactly show up every Monday with bruises everywhere. That would kind of defeat the whole 'avoiding being flagged by social services' thing.
Honestly, he can't wait to finish school and be done with it all. His place is in the field, watching dad's back.
And Sammy's now.
Dean knows his little brother is able to take care of himself, he's only pissing him off by hovering near him, ready to protect. He still ends up with a big gash on his chest that would have torn Sammy apart if he hadn't thrown himself in front of him. Dean feels awful (and not just because of the bleeding wound) because Sammy could have been hurt and it would have been his fault. He was there because of Dean. Fuck. What has he done?
Dad teaches Sammy how to stitch Dean's chest up. The kid looks like he's going to puke the whole way through. Dean feels even worse because trembling hands do not go well with needles. It's good that Sam gets to learn though. Dean has been sewing dad back together since he was ten.
Despite Sam butchered work, there isn't even a scar left two weeks later.