Chapter Text
Two man-shaped beings entered the Tadfield Cafe Continental department store cafe.
It wasn’t the type of place strangers went. The intrepid newcomer – or pair of newcomers, as the case may be - had to negotiate four floors of blue-rinsed disapproval and curiosity, walking through the entire Jeffery Perkis department store, through Shoes, Accessories, Women’s Formal, Men’s Formal, Underwear, and Dining and Bedrooms before arriving at the door of the Café. And then he, or they, would have to catch the attention of the staff – no mean feat, as the baristas (who were still officially waitresses, according to the owner, Old Mr Perkis) knew when their regular customers would arrive and what they would order, with one or two exceptions. On Wednesdays there were no bus services in from the village, and there were only two morning trains trundling in, so there was no need to fill many kettles until late morning. The three baristas sat on tall stools behind the counter, chatting. Old Mr Perkis, firm in his conviction that his faded little local department store could be just like Harrods if only everyone tried hard enough, didn’t like ‘his girls’ to sit behind the counter, he thought they should stand up. But he wasn’t there; in fact Nina had worked here at the Café for six years and had never even met the man.
So, they sat.
He also didn’t think they should speak to each other while behind the counter. But again, he was not there.
So, they chatted.
Old Mr Perkis also would have almost certainly had an attack of some kind if he had realised that one of ‘his girls’ was actually...a boy. Well, a man – their manager had hired a guy named Newt Pulsifer 18 months ago and just hadn’t told him.
“Sorry I’m late, Lisa. Hey, did you ring that guy?” Nina asked Lisa, her fellow barista. Lisa’s adventures with men of every kind had kept Nina and Newt awake and amused on many of the more tedious days working at the Perkis cafe.
Lisa, who’d been ready to moan at being left alone on the counter, instead gave a filthy laugh and a big sleazy grin spread across her face. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “We’re going out tonight.” She paused. “I hope he doesn’t take me to the Red Lion, though. We might see Dave in there.”
“Who’s Dave?” Nina asked, well practised in having conversations with Lisa without actually remembering anything she had said previously. With Lisa it was one of two things – meeting random men, or the way random men had treated her. In this case, she had got some guy’s phone number, and a date, when he had complained to her about his coffee being cold. It was a gift she had – Nina could never imagine doing it herself. Oh, she could make terrible coffee – no skill in that with the wobbly old equipment they had up there – but getting a date on the back of someone complaining about it? It was unimaginable. Not that she was looking, of course, as she had her Lindsay at home, so obviously she had no need.
“Dave, you know, my actual boyfriend. But really, if I can get someone like Richard, what am I doing with Dave? Hell, if I can bag a millionaire, I might just be getting out of here!”
“He’s a millionaire? And you met him…what…in here?”
“He was in disguise, you know – pretending to be like the rest of us. But I could tell. He told me he had a black credit card, and they only give those to millionaires.”
“You saw it? This black credit card?”
“Well…not as such….but he said he has one. And, he’s loaded. Why would he tell me about it, if it wasn’t true?”
Nina wiped her hands on her shiny Perkis apron and shrugged. “I truly can’t imagine.”
The door burst open, admitting two men clearly in the middle of an argument.
“....I don’t actually care, angel, I still don’t want to be here at all....”
“Well, yes, but now that we are....”
“We could just....”
Lisa snorted, stood up and swung around the counter towards the door. “You’ve got a couple of customers. I’m going for a fag break.”
Nina turned to face the till and said automatically, “Hi, welcome to the Perkis Cafe Continental! What’ll it be?”
“Oh….hi. Earl grey please with lemon. A black coffee for me, and...you want a cake, angel? Lets see….a blueberry muffin.”
Something in his voice made Nina actually look at him and his companion…and then look away quickly, aware that she was blushing. They just didn’t get guys in the Café who looked that good, whatever Lisa might wish. Nina risked another quick glance underneath her eyelids as she fiddled with the coffee machine. No doubt about it – both men were gorgeous, although very different. She guessed opposites must attract. Tall, lightly tanned, hair so blonde it looked white, and blue, blue eyes, that crinkled when he smiled. That smile could light a room on its own. And the other, the one who’d ordered, was taller, skinnier, with shocking red hair. He had on sunglasses so she couldn’t see so much of his face, but what she could see...Nina was well aware that Lisa hadn’t made it out of the door, but was stood in the open doorway like she’d forgotten why she was here, staring at this guy. She actually had her mouth open.
“Oh, erm…right, blueberry muffin,” Nina mumbled idiotically, her face scarlet with embarrassment. “Just need a bit of sugar to wake you up? I can’t start the day without my sweet coffee!” She felt an inane grin stretching her face into an odd, unnatural shape. What the hell was wrong with her? They were obviously a couple. And, you know, there was Lindsay....
“Yes, me too, and it calms the nerves a bit, too. Not been in here before, you know?” The blond guy smiled. Nina found herself giving him a sympathetic grin, and suddenly it was fine. Yes, he was gorgeous, but so what? Obviously a couple, and besides, she had Lindsay, she wasn’t looking around. This guy actually just seemed nice. Friendly. Talking as though he was friends with everyone.
Lisa was coming back. “Thought you were going for a fag,” Nina said pointedly. As a non smoker her frequent cigarette breaks were a bit of a sore point.
“Filthy habit, I’m thinking of quitting altogether,” said 40-a-day Lisa, sliding past the two men to get back behind the counter.
“Sorry about her,” Nina said, making a joke of it and looking directly at them again. “We don’t get out much around here. A new face, you know – attracts a bit of attention. And two new faces at once – they might put on a parade.”
“Oh, yes, we’re certainly new faces in town. We’re doing up a house in the village. My name’s, ah, Aziraphale. Bit of a mouthful, I know. Ezra, if that’s too much. And this is Crowley.” He stuck his hand out over the muffins and buns, and Nina whipped off her plastic hygiene glove and took it. “Nina,” she said. “And this is Lisa.”
“Welcome to Jeffery Perkis,” oozed Lisa, leaning over Nina’s shoulder and grinning. “Why don’t we let you have that muffin on the house? Make sure you come back for more?” Nina stared at her, not believing what she was doing. Lisa was actually hoiking up her Perkis green striped dress to show a bit more leg. Seriously, Lis? These guys just weren’t giving those kind of vibes at all. She was drawn to look at them like the North star but it wasn’t sexual....it was something else. Something like coming home. Familiarity. Which was ridiculous. Of course. He’d just said they were new in town.
“Just moved here, did you say?” Nina said, handing...what had he said? Azi...something? - a plate with the muffin on it. “To this town? It’s not too late – you can still get away if you run fast.”
Aziraphale laughed politely at this weak effort at humour. “I’ve been here before. My...my family are from this area. They owned some property out in the village, an old house I’m working on. It’s not that bad, is it?” He took the plate from her, and smiled again. He had nice teeth, as well.
“Believe me when I say yes.” Nina made a face.
“Some days are better than others,” said Lisa, leaning over the buns and flickering her eyelashes at Crowley. Crowley looked her up and down, then shot Nina a quick glance, raising an eyebrow so quickly she wondered if she’d actually seen it, and then took his coffee and the tea pot over to a table by the window. Nina turned away, listening to Lisa humming to herself. She busied herself cleaning the coffee dregs from the machine, managing to spill coffee slop all over herself in the process. Several excruciating minutes passed while she tried not to look over at their table.
At this point, Newt came in from out the back where he’d been doing stock take. He did a double take at the sight that greeted him, went ghostly pale, in fact. Lisa frowned at him, wondering why he looked so shocked. Then he recovered himself visibly, and walked up behind Nina and slammed into her side with one elbow in an attempt at a subtle nudge. “Look over there,” he murmured. “That...guy, red hair, table four? He’s smoking, he’ll set the alarms off.”
Nina glanced over to the window table. It was true, the red-haired one had lit up a cigarette. In fact, as they kept watching, fascinated, it occurred to her that she had never watched anyone so lost in a cigarette before. The smoke curled exotically up from the man’s mouth and nostrils, as he exhaled, eyes closed, slowly. He brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaled, deeply, and breathed out again, blowing a gentle stream of smoke out, mixed with a deep sigh. He seemed oblivious to the chatter around him, the clatter of cheap china cups against cracked saucers, spoons stirring watery tea, small change rattling into the till. Nina took a dishcloth and started to wipe away the spilled coffee grounds, spreading the sticky residue of a thousand cream buns more evenly around the formica, but her hand was moving more and more slowly as she watched the stranger smoke, fascinated. Another deep inhalation; another long, slow, exhale.
“Nina! Go and tell him to put that fag out!”
She came back to the present with a bump, screwed up the dishcloth and tossed it into the washing hamper, and looked around at her colleague, who was standing behind the counter holding an ashtray out to her, impatiently waving the thing. Nina stepped around the counter, took the ashtray from Newt, and slammed the heavy glass down in front of Crowley. He looked up at her, eyes still hidden behind his dark glasses, questioning. “Sorry, sir, you can’t smoke in here any more,” she said, flushing scarlet to the roots of her dark hair. “The smoking ban came in a while ago now.”
Crowley looked from Nina to his cigarette, seemingly amused.
Aziraphale apologized for his partner. “Oh, of course,” he said. His accent wasn’t local; she couldn’t place it. Not precisely. Definitely British but kind of old fashioned, well spoken. He said each word carefully. A bit like BBC English....but maybe not. It wasn’t exactly like that, either. “We apologise. It’s a hopeless addiction, I’m afraid.”
Crowley stubbed the cigarette out in her ashtray, with a wry half smile. She looked away. Lisa was behind the counter, next to Newt, a plate of scones hanging forgotten from one hand. She was opening staring at the three of them, and not paying Nina much attention. One of the scones was half an inch from dropping onto the floor. Newt didn’t look much better. In fact, he looked sick. Maybe he needed to go home.
Nina glanced back at their customers. They were an unusual sight for the Café Continental, she had to admit. Too fresh to be in here. Such a contrast to the blue rinse brigade sat for an hour with one pot of tea and a fig roll.
“Could I trouble you for another coffee?” Crowley asked, holding out the mug. Nina noticed that it was chipped. She took it from him, flustered. “Sure,” she said. She hustled back behind the counter to wrestle another coffee out of the clanking machine.
Lisa nudged her again, hard, nearly making her spill more coffee. “Who are they!?” she hissed. “What are they doing in here!?”
“Well, I don’t know, do I? You heard as much as I did,” Nina replied. However, she was just as curious – Tadfield was a small town, they knew ninety-five percent of their other customers by name. Good looking, mysterious strangers just did not turn up, especially not in the grotty Café Incontinental, the grottiest half of the upper floor of Tadfield’s tiny department store. Especially not two of them at once.
“Surprised they're still here, anyway, after your performance. They could make a complaint about sexual harassment!” Newt was laughing, a little too loud. Nina slammed the ashtray down, with its one half-smoked stub. Taking two scones from Lisa’s plate, she slipped a napkin under each, picked up the new cup of coffee and carried the two items back out to the waiting men.
“On the house,” she said, breezily, hoping Lisa couldn’t hear her. Aziraphale smiled and nodded thanks. Crowley picked up the coffee and took a swallow. He then grimaced. Oh, dear.
Nina hung around the table for another moment, bracing herself for a complaint. She felt ridiculously nervous, her palms were actually damp. “So, erm, everything OK over here?” she asked, fussing with the salt and pepper pots and lining them up very carefully with the plastic tomato (which contained ketchup).
“Yes, my dear, this tea’s excellent,” Aziraphale lied. “Actually, you might be able to help me. We need to buy some flowers, you know, just a bouquet or something? Do you sell anything like that in this shop?”
“There’s a florist stall just outside the shopping centre. It’s called Jordan’s – you can’t miss it. My friend Maggie works there. Hey, tell her I sent you, you might get a discount,” she said, though she doubted Fat Jordan knew what that word meant.
“Excellent, well, thanks for your help.”
Nina was rewarded with another smile, and then they stood up, and strode towards the door of the café.
“Call by again!” yelled Lisa at the pair of retreating backs. Aziraphale half turned and raised a hand. Before Nina really knew what she was going to do, she ran after him to open the door for him – sometimes you do get a personal service in Perkis, you know. Sometimes.
“If you’re new here…new in town I mean…and you’re bored…a few of us are going out for drinks, tonight, actually. Eight o’clock in the Red Lion. If you needed some company.”
“Oh, well, we’ll certainly think about it,” he said, smiling again. “We’ve got some business to finish up, but we might drop in. See you later. Or if not, back here, maybe?” He raised his hand again and stepped through the door. Crowley followed, hooking another cigarette out of the back pocket of his tight black jeans as he went.
Newt raised his eyebrows at her as she came back, but didn’t speak. Lisa, busily spreading margarine on wonder bread for the lunchtime sandwich rush as Nina cleared their empty coffee cups, said, “Well, if either of them does come back, Nina, you leave him to me. You’re practically a married woman.”
Nina shrugged. “Well, I think they are, as well. Married, I mean. You’ve got no chance.”
Lisa grinned. “Never say never, that’s what I think."