Archive of Our Own

When Taxian-jun replaces Mo-zongshi the change is apparent. He becomes more impulsive and childish, openly eager to please yet quicker to frustration or  anger. He loves to taunt and tease Chu Wanning before showing him so much intense affection that Chu Wanning has to bury his face against Taxian-jun’s chest to hide from his devilish grin.

Chu Wanning’s switches are much more subtle. They’re quiet shifts in moods every few months. He’s still himself. He’s still just Chu Wanning. Unlike Mo Ran–Mo-zongshi and Taxian-jun– who suffers from Taxian-jun’s refusal to acknowledge that they’re one and the same and thus cannot truly remember the other’s time in the body, Chu Wanning has fully accept his other self and the remnants of Chu Fei’s soul has fully accepted his younger self, thus interweaving memories together into a tapestry that has a few holes but shows a single image of his lives with Mo ran. The only true difference is when the memories of his former life pushes to the forefront of his mind with old habits and fears creeping back into his heart while the memories of his current life fades into the back of his mind half forgotten.

One these days, occurring months apart, Chu Wanning is a little more melancholy and much more docile as he was at the end of his life with Taxian-jun. He spends more time carefully studying Mo Ran’s face for signs of distress and looks sadder when he inevitably finds it. He refuses to yell or swat at Mo Ran for his shamelessness as he usually does. He desperately avoids initiating any contact except to comfort Mo Ran when something upsets him, but he also leans into Mo Ran’s touches more than usual as though the warmth they share between them is his own reprieve from whatever he is feeling.

His switches are so subtle that it took them both a long time to notice. In fact, it isn’t Mo Ran who notices it at all, but Taxian-jun just over eleven months after all has come to pass.

The second Taxian-jun feels his consciousness settle into the body he opens his eyes. He’s too much like a puppy in this way: he’s far too eager and wants to take in every second of everything. It doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of the night and Chu Wanning likely just fell asleep. Taxian-jun just woke up after three days of being locked away in a deep, dark recess of his own mind and needs to see his beloved right now. One second more would be unbearable.

The candle next to the table is still lit indicating they probably only went to bed a short time ago. Only a finger’s width of candle separates the wick from a pool of wax. Chu Wanning sleeps right next to him, curled yet facing him, his legs wrapped around Mo Ran while his arms are drawn to his own chest. He didn’t stay awake to greet Taxian-jun like he did in the beginning, but he’s so beautiful in sleep that that’s okay. Taxian-jun always liked to watch him sleep. He looks peaceful, with a small smile curled over his thin lips, eyes closed with dark lashed touching cheeks that are lightly freckled. His long hair twists over his shoulder to catch in his arm, tangling him in his sleep. He shifts slightly, stretching his legs and icy cold toes against Mo Ran’s body before pulling them back towards himself to tug Mo Ran closer.

Taxian-jun immediately breaks the peaceful visage to roll on top of him, straddling his naked body, and land a messy kiss on his lips. And another. And another for good measure. And one more, just because how could he resist those pretty thin lips beckoning him? In fact, one more one more because he really can’t resist and he’s not above admitting it now adays.

Chu Wanning makes a small, sleepy noise so Taxian-jun presses another kiss to his lips, flopping flat to he drape himself over his entire body, wrapping him in his arms and inhaling him deeply. To wake to that soft floral scent again is to wake up and know he’s home, he’s safe, the worst has passed and there is only good ahead of him because goodness is possible.

“Morning baobei,” he whispers with delight despite it being the dead of night. To him it’s morning. Who needs the sun when he has the moon trapped beneath him? He wiggles his body and teases, “This venerable one missed you. Can you tell?”

He expects a sleepy shameless that turns into soft moans under his squeezing fingers, or for Chu Wanning to grumble and roll over, ignoring him in favor of sleep. Chu Wanning does neither, instead settling for something in between. He closes his eyes once more with a long exhale and tilts his head to the side for Mo Ran to pepper in kisses. He does without hesitation.

Kisses predictably awaken the beast in Taxian-jun. It’s a beast he’s tried to suffocate, one that wants to fuck Chu Wanning to tears and beyond. One that wants to bully him and humiliate him, tease him and pleasure him and show him he loves him in the ways words never could. The first few times he yielded to that beast within him and rutted against Chu Wanning until he was practically in tears, Taxian-jun hated to acknowledge he was scared of how little control he actually has over his own desires so strongly trained in the lewdest way. For Chu Wanning they’re too much, too strong to control and after nearly a decade without the man, they had only grown more consuming upon their reunion. He was anxious that his wants were vile and dirtying, degrading and too interwoven with the humiliations and pain of the past to be something worthy of indulging. He worried that while Chu Wanning might want to sleep with the other Mo Ran, he might look at him in disgust at what he did to him and refuse to share a bed. It took him a while to learn that Chu Wanning is not frail, and his wants are not always expressed easily but his wants are just as powerful as Taxian-jun’s. It took him a long time to realize that while he might not be in control, Chu Wanning is now strong enough to hold the leash around the neck, controlling where he goes no matter how hard he jerks and tugs against it. Rarely with that leash in hand does he pull against it, instead letting Taxian-jun do as he desires.

Even so, he’s still wary of himself even when his kisses drift over Chu Wanning, from his lips to his throat to his chest. He lets his hand greedily touch Chu Wanning in every way he desires but still watches him like a hawk. He used to watch Chu Wanning’s face in the hopes of signs of distress, but now he watches him for hints of dissatisfaction. When he eagerly flings himself on Chu Wanning the second he settles into the body each day, he watches in fear of displeasure, ready to begrudgingly retreat if his husband decides he wants to go back to sleep. But tonight Chu Wanning has mercy on his poor soul and makes no movements to stop him nor to roll over away from him. 

“You feel so good,” Taxian-jun murmurs sliding his hand between them and pressing into Chu Wanning’s soft skin. Against his hips he feels Chu Wanning’s body reacting too. He groans and rocks against Chu Wanning, burying his face again teasing, “What did you do with him? Did he wear you out so much you can’t even get it up for this venerable one?”

“We didn’t,” Chu Wanning says quietly even though the faint memories bound to Taxian-jun’s waking says that’s a lie. He doesn’t even care to call Chu Wanning out on the lie though. The only way he will acknowledge he and Mo Ran are the same is that Chu Wanning desires him even after all they did to him. Despite his intense jealousy of the other Mo Ran, he will accept all of Chu Wanning’s love for himself, even if that’s stealing some of Mo-zongshi’s too.

Taxian-jun merely chuckles with another nipping kiss, seeking to draw a moan from his husband’s lips before slipping between his beautifully powerful thighs.

Except Chu Wanning doesn’t moan. He doesn’t make any sounds at all. He lays under Mo Ran with his legs wrapped around him and head thrown back, but his lips remain pursed together as he makes no movements at all. Normally by now Chu Wanning would be pretending to repress moans or hiding his face in embarrassment or trying to level his breathing, eager and desperate yet somehow still embarrassed of expressing his own desires even after so many months of near nightly encounters with Mo Ran. But now Chu Wanning just lays there, silently staring up at Taxian-jun with a strange intensity through the flickering candlelight as Taxian-jun tries to drag him downwards into the throes of pleasure.

At first the way Chu Wanning looks at Mo Ran fuels him. He loves his unwavering attention, a promise never to turn away from him and that he will never need to beg again. He kisses him not bothering to mask his own groan of delight against Chu Wanning’s shoulder. His hands slide along warm skin to the point where he perches on Chu Wanning’s hips.

Never does Chu Wanning break his gaze on Taxian-jun. Only his lips part to exhale, letting Taxian-Jun squeeze him even tighter, as a response to his machinations. He kisses those parted lips, dipping his tongue inwards to find his kiss accepted and returned in kind.

Taxian-Jun has seen Chu Wanning like this a few times over his time in this new world. It often makes him more excited that Chu Wanning will focus all his energy into staring up at him, sometimes reaching out to caress his cheek or hold tightly to him without complaint, but tonight it makes him curious. 

And, for some inexplicable reason, a little worried.

Withdrawing, Chu Wanning’s blank expression feels a bit too much like that past they both wish never happened, back when he wouldn’t respond  to Taxian-jun at all, or would mentally escape from what was happening in what few ways he could.

Although Chu Wanning doesn’t like talking about the past, he has talked about their life together with the other Mo Ran but not so much with Taxian-jun. Most of their discussion of that painful past has been in assuring him that he loves him despite what he did and what was done to them both. He worries that it will hurt Taxian-jun since Taxian-jun has a much harder time stopping the whirlwind of negative emotions that overwhelm him so easily still. Chu Wanning doesn’t like bringing up how much Mo Ran hurt him only to set Taxian-jun into a spiral of misery until he’s forced out of the body and Mo-zongshi can deal with the remnants of his heartbreak. It bothers Taxian-jun that Chu Wanning doesn’t tell him everything and keeps these most painful memories secret from him, but no longer will he force his husband to open his mouth to say what he does not want to. He will be upset about it though. And mope about it. Even the emperor is not above that if it means his husband comforting him and telling him about all the happy memories he no longer holds in his mind.

Right now, Chu Wanning no longer is doused in sleepiness. He looks like he did in the last life. It’s easy to see he has stumbled over a painful memory in waking to Taxian-jun’s body pressed against him that he won’t tell his husband about. The second he pieces it together, Taxian-jun changes his movements across Chu Wanning’s body, squeezes and gropes turning into gentle rubbing with thought only for his husband’s pleasure and not his own burning need. 

Without ever looking away from Taxian-jun, there’s the slightest twitch at the corner of Chu Wanning’s mouth, but that’s all that changes at his touch. It leaves Taxian-jun feeling more uneasy.

“Baobei?” Taxian-jun half asks, half coos.

Chu Wanning opens his mouth as if he’s going to respond, but shuts it again. Taxian-jun can’t help but feel a even anxious at the response. Before he might have been able to pass Chu Wanning’s inaction off as sleepiness or embarrassment, but this little movement is too much like the past when he would punish Chu Wanning both for answering and for not answering, leaving him realizing it all was futile and there was no point in trying.

Taxian-jun’s heart clenches as memories of his own cruelties sink their sharped claws into his mind. He drifts his hand upwards to caress Chu Wanning’s cheek to make sure he doesn’t flinch away from his touch. He doesn’t flinch, but he does close his eyes as though he doesn’t want to see where Taxian-jun’s hand is going or how hard it will strike. Taxian-jun hesitates, his hand frozen next to his cheek unsure of if he can or should touch him.

When Taxian-jun finally caresses his cheek, Chu Wanning ever so turns his head into his hand. Taxian-jun only notices the subtle movement because he’s looking for it. 

For the first time in pretty much ever, Taxian-jun’s desire to fuck Chu Wanning vanishes entirely. Something is wrong and he needs to know what, otherwise this growing pain in his chest will only get heavier and heavier until it crushes him. His life has been so good without that unrelenting stabbing pain in his heart and he doesn’t want to allow it back in. But without Chu Wanning, he has nothing to stop it. 

“Wanning,” he starts, gently rubbing Chu Wanning’s cheek with his thumb. He pays attention to how Chu Wanning almost smiles at the movement before forcing his expression all too flat once more. “Is everything okay?”

Eyes still closed, Chu Wanning softly replies, “It’s fine.”

“Is everything actually fine?” Taxian-jun presses.

Chu Wanning just repeats, “Everything is actually fine, Mo Ran,” as he keep his cheek pressed against Taxian-jun’s palm. 

Taxian-jun can’t help the wave of frustration that passes over him. Chu Wanning can talk to the other Mo Ran with only a little coaxing. But right now something is clearly wrong and he won’t communicate with Taxian-jun at all, and Taxian-jun has never been good at getting Chu Wanning to talk openly. He spent too many years practicing how to torture conversation out of him. Simply talking is a skill he’s trying his hardest to learn but is still failing at. Even now, instead of talking, he finds himself quieting Chu Wanning with kisses all too often.

“You will tell this venerabl–” Taxian-jun cuts himself off when he hears the anger making it quiver too deep. He clears his throat and softly says, “I mean, is something on your mind then?”

Chu Wanning seems to consider for a moment as he opens his eyes again to stare up at Taxian-jun’s frown in contemplation. The moment drags on and Taxian-jun’s worry that he really did something wrong to make Chu Wanning stop loving him grows. Finally, Chu Wanning gently says, “I was thinking about our past. How I’m glad you didn’t disappear after I died.”

Every word is a stab directly into Taxian-jun’s chest. After Chu Wanning died, he wanted to disappear forever. He dragged himself onwards until he couldn’t anymore and decided to disappear. He drank poison and laid himself in a grave dug by his own hands because no one else would dig one for him. He doesn’t want to think about that time after Chu Wanning died ever again. He doesn’t want Chu Wanning thinking about that life ever again.  He wants Chu Wanning to forget all that pain and forget the cruelty Mo Ran’s capable of. He doesn’t want Chu Wanning to forget him though and only remember Mo-zongshi, but he doesn’t want him to have to remember it either. 

He can’t help the way his face contorts into something mysteriously ugly in the candlelight. He doesn’t respond. He can’t respond. There is no response to what he did in Chu Wanning’s life and after. He keeps his mouth shut and moves to get out of bed, except Chu Wanning leans into him more to halt his retreat. Chu Wanning slowly reaches up to touch Taxian-jun’s now twisted face, pressing a single finger between his eyebrows exactly where he touched when he split his soul. He whispers, “I’m glad you’re safe.”

Chu Wanning rolls to lay draped over Taxian-jun’s chest, pressing a kiss over the scar where his core was cut out.

“I’m glad we’re both here, Mo Ran. I love you.”

Taxian-jun twists his fingers into Chu Wanning’s hair and kisses the top of his head. “This venerable one loves you too,” he says quietly.

The very strange, very gentle conversation continues for a while before the two return to sleep for a few hours before daybreak. Even so, the stabbing weight in Taxian-jun’s chest doesn’t go away. He knows something is wrong with Chu Wanning for him to speak so openly.

Taxian-jun wakes early to make their breakfast. On a normal day he would languish in bed and insist Chu Wanning make something for him, pretending that he always hated Chu Wanning’s cooking when in truth he greatly missed the burnt flavors and ever so slightly upset stomach after Chu Wanning was gone. But after last night’s conversation, Taxian-jun’s instinct says to bully Chu Wanning more than normal today. He knows that instinct is the remnants of his cruel self seeking to pick the man apart when he’s most weak, so he knows it actually means he should be more gentle around Chu Wanning today, and should treat him with the love and respect he deserves. He needs to dote on him and shower him in the love he always had in his heart but was buried under the flower’s cruelty.

Therefore, by the time Chu Wanning stirs an entire array of his favorite food is laid across their small table. Chu Wanning slowly sits up, his long hair flowing freely down his bare back and draping over his shoulders. Stray hairs out of place with a few short ones stick straight up in a way that is all too cute. Taxian-jun misses the streaks of white but he loves his inky stands and youthfulness promising a long life. Chu Wanning blinks a few times, yawns, and stretches before rubbing his eyes with an immaculately sleepy pout.

Taxian-jun starts the tea steeping as he says, “This venerable one made you breakfast. Sit.”

Because his back is turned, he doesn’t see that at the command Chu Wanning stiffens and quickly pushes himself out of bed without properly waking or waiting for Mo Ran to climb back into bed with him as he usually would. Because Taxian-jun didn’t explicitly command get dressed , Chu Wanning hesitates before he climbs out of bed fully nude and sits at the table in silence, waiting, sleepily blinking down at the tabletop  with his hands tucked in his lap. He doesn’t reach out to grab his own food without permission and waits to be told when, or rather if, he’s allowed to eat.

On a normal day, the naked allure would make Taxian-jun fling all the food off the table and seduce Chu Wanning into a state of ecstasy right then and there. Chu Wanning is clearly tempting him by forgoing clothes. But today when he turns around to see Chu Wanning with heavy-lidded eyes, naked, waiting for him to tell him what and when to eat, his heart drops even more. He quickly sets the tea on the table and drags his own outer robe off his shoulders to wrap his husband in with a gentle kiss to his exposed neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay, babe? Do you have a fever?” he asks again. He rests draped against Chu Wanning’s back with his chin resting against Chu Wanning’s shoulder and arms slipped under the robe to hug his waist. 

Chu Wanning shakes his head with a small sound, turning to look at Taxian-jun from the corner of his eye before he looks longingly at the savory tofu pudding set on the table directly in front of him. Taxian-jun drags the bowl forward to Chu Wanning. He hangs off him as he eats, every few bites tilting his head to glance at his husband who lovingly smiles down at him. Perhaps more than once Taxian-jun kisses the smudges of missed spoonfuls off the corner of his mouth. Even if the pudding is not his favorite, Chu Wanning is.

When the bowl is half gone, Taxian-jun drags him away from the table to get dressed deeming it too chilly of a morning to be without proper clothes. He carefully picks out Chu Wanning’s favorite clothes. Simple but dignified. Enchanted silks that don’t get dirty. They’re not as extravagant as Taxian-jun would like to dress his husband in, but they’re what Chu Wanning likes most and picks for himself most days. Chu Wanning sits on the bed and waits for Taxian-jun to return with his clothes and leans a hand on Taxian-jun’s shoulder as he steps into his pants. 

Fully clothed, the two return to the table in silence. Chu Wanning is more awake now. He looks and acts more like his normal self but he still eats everything Taxian-jun scoops onto his plate without his usual protest that he can serve himself. Instead, he keeps his eyes down and eats in attempt not to draw attention onto himself.

It’s all too strange. It’s only just off enough to inspire an unrelenting anxiety in Taxian-jun that sets his mind reeling. He takes extra care to only put food Chu Wanning really likes in front of him and tries to spark conversation that he thinks Chu Wanning would enjoy. He talks about a poem he remembers reading while alone in the palace that Chu Wanning would appreciate, only to learn that it hasn’t yet been written and the poet is currently unknown. He tries to recite it for Chu Wanning but stumbles over the words, his own memory failing him as Chu Wanning patiently listens to him grow frustrated and abandon the attempt entirely. He then tries to ask Chu Wanning what flowers they should plant in the garden this year, ask what he thinks of the new children that moved into town down the mountain, and recount the gold he gave away to a young mother he encountered in expectation for his husband to scold him for emptying his pockets yet again.

Chu Wanning doesn’t scold him. The entire time Chu Wanning smiles softly at him or keeps his expression flat as he pokes at his food. He’s clearly listening, but he expresses himself even less than usual. He doesn’t call Mo Ran a dummy. He doesn’t give Mo Ran a long list of readings he should complete in response to his failed attempt at the poem. He doesn’t give opinions about the flowers beyond passive agreement. He doesn’t roll his eyes or smark the wandering hand trying to slip into his pants. He doesn’t turn bright red and instead merely mumbles, “make it quick then.”

He just listens and hums muted replies like he might have in the life before. Only the soft smile that sometimes dons his lips tells Taxian-jun that he hasn’t fallen into the past when Chu Wanning hated him most. 

For the first time ever, Taxian-jun wishes that today the other Mo Ran were here instead of himself. He doesn’t know how to handle this docile Chu Wanning anymore. He wants Chu Wanning to scold him and whack him and call him a dummy before accepting his kisses with an adorably embarrassed greed. But now Chu Wanning listens to his commands and watches him intensely, almost flinching whenever Taxian-jun’s face contorts in concentration thinking about how to approach the situation because he’s too stupid to just know. Surely the other Mo Ran would be better sourcing out what’s wrong because it leaves Taxian-jun with the problem of figuring out what’s happening or else he never will know exactly how he fucked up.

He just needs to figure out how to do it without letting his own anger spark into flame and reverting to his cruel instincts when Chu Wanning resists?

Finally Taxian-jun resigns himself to the fact that he simply isn’t clever and doesn’t know how to do it with ease. It’ll be better to prove he loves him and can earn his trust again with action. He lays his hand on the table on top of Chu Wanning’s and simply asks, “This venerable one has no ideas about what to do today. What do you want?”

He watches Chu Wanning hesitate before his eyes light up. He speaks slowly as though something told him not to say what he wants before remembering he’s allowed to. He turns to lean against Mo Ran and twists his fingers around his hair. Mo Ran wraps his arms around him.

“I’d like to go for a trip. Maybe visit Xue Meng...” His voice fades and he falls silent. He looks a little sad, as though he’s thinking about how long he’s been since he last saw Xue Meng despite the fact that he and the other Mo Ran saw him only a week ago.

It’s Chu Wanning’s request and the combination of hope and mournfulness that makes Taxian-jun think he might possibly understand: the Chu Wanning who sits leaned against him of his own free will is Chu Fei. His Chu Fei.

Chu Wanning is glad Taxian-jun didn’t disappear because this Chu Wanning spent a lifetime with Taxian-jun, not the other Mo Ran. His memories of their suffering together are stronger and more present. He does only as Taxian-jun commands because he spent a lifetime being punished for his resistance. He’s scared of his touch because so often it hurt, but leans into it because it was somehow still a source of comfort and love. He misses Xue Meng because in his lifetime he gave up everything to save him and never got to see him one last time. 

Even after so long of Taxian-jun’s three days absent cycle, he somehow always missed this version of Chu Wanning, his precious Chu Fei so strongly present. 

Chu Wanning’s fingers curl into a fist around Taxian-jun’s hair and lets go. He expects Taxian-jun to reject the idea. They always plan their visits on the other Mo Ran’s days. Seeing his cousin is hard for Taxian-jun. He can’t forget a lifetime of battle, and of course Xue Meng can’t help but blame him for his parents. Xue Meng only fails to realize that Taxian-jun carries the weight of their deaths twice in his heart, and it’s a weight he can never relinquish no matter how much his husband tries to assuage him of his crimes. But even with those emotions, there’s no way he could ever reject Chu Wanning’s wish now that he’s thinks that the Chu Wanning in front of him might be the Chu Wanning he forced into this docile state through years of violent, twisted obsession. In the past life, all he wanted was to break Chu Wanning. He was so focused on breaking him more and more and more and more that he never noticed that Chu Wanning was already shattered.

“We can go see him.” Taxian-jun nods with enthusiasm despite really really not wanting to go see Xue Meng, but he wants his Wanning happy more. “Is there anything else you want to do today? This venerable one wants to do whatever you want.”

Chu Wanning lists a few more little things like visiting the pavilion and stopping in Wuchang Town to buy milk candies and soy milk. Taxian-jun agrees to everything. Everything including spending the evening reading together despite Taxian-jun knowing it will give him a headache after visiting his cousin and knowing that it means that he might miss out on sex tonight. It’s as though even though Chu Wanning is more hesitant to express anything, when prompted he’s more willing to tell Taxian-jun what he wants.

With each passing moment, Taxian-jun’s need to know if this really is Chu Fei returned to him or his husband is merely in a strange mood, he asks, “Do you remember what you did yesterday?”

Chu Wanning nods. “We fought a ghost at the base of the mountain.”

Taxian-jun’s heart drops in disappointment he wishes he didn’t feel. It must not be Chu Wanning and Chu Fei switching if he remembers the day so easily. Taxian-jun must have just done something wrong to make Chu Wanning act so strangely. It must be his fault. He did something wrong he didn’t realize or else forgot. Guilt starts to pool in the holes in his heart left by the long hatred flower. Guilt at whatever he did to bring this mood about. Guilt at forcing Chu Wanning to become Chu Fei. Guilt that he was almost hopeful to see Chu Fei again. Guilt at who he was and who he is.

Chu Wanning can see exactly what Taxian-jun is thinking. He reaches across the table and taps Taxian-jun’s cheek. Not hard enough to be a slap, but just enough to let Taxian-jun know that he’s still himself.

“I’m still me,” Chu Wanning says. “Both mes. You can stop looking so guilty now. You’ve done nothing wrong, Mo Ran.” He leans in and kisses Taxian-jun on the bridge of his nose. “It’s just me. And I’ve always loved you.”

Taxian-jun nods, still feeling guilty. “Let’s go see Xue Meng then.”

Taxian-jun's guilt doesn't abate when they visit Sisheng Peak. The most obvious answer why is that Chu Wanning still looks sad and remorseful the entire time. It’s agonizingly obvious that the past life is at the forefront of his mind and all he can think about is the sufferings of this sect leader Xue Meng who lost his family, and the now deceased rebel leader Xue Meng who lost everything. 

The more complicated answer is that Taxian-jun doesn't know how to act around Xue Meng even now. He can't really identify why he hated him so passionately aside from the fact that he's a little self righteous and Chu Wanning cares about him. Moreover, now that he's looking at Xue Meng smiling and talking animatedly he can't help but see Xue Meng screaming as he beheaded Xue Zhengyong in front of him or see Xue Meng standing across the battlefield staring him down as if he wants nothing more than to see Taxian-jun dead, or even see Xue Meng pleading "Where's my shizun?" as overwhelming pain from the poison consumed Taxian-jun entirely, those final words ringing in his head as the final words he ever heard before dying and being dragged back into life to be used by Hua Binan to kill millions more souls for a decade of loneliness. 

Taxian-jun can't handle it anymore after a mere twenty minutes. He wraps his arms around Chu Wanning tightly and kisses him over and over before whispering "This venerable one’s going to look around." Except when he moves to pull away Chu Wanning keeps his grasp on his sleeve. A whispered, “Mo Ran…” tells him Chu Wanning doesn’t want him to leave. In his strange mood he wants to remain by his side today.

Torn between his discomfort and his desire to please his husband, Taxian-jun just stands still for a moment before heavily sitting back down, inching closer and closer to Chu Wanning on the divan until he looks like an oversized mutt who thinks himself a tiny lap dog. Chu Wanning doesn’t push him off like he so often does and lets Mo Ran stay. He pets Mo Ran’s thigh while he continues talking with Xue Meng. Xue Meng shoots Taxian-jun a few weird glances that makes him uncomfortable, certain that it’s hatred for killing his parents in this world too. To hide, he leans forward and buries himself in Chu Wanning’s neck, pressing a million kisses against it. Chu Wanning keeps talking but grips his thigh tightly in warning, inadvertently egging him on.

“Can you not?” Xue Meng interrupts when Taxian-jun nuzzles against Chu Wanning. “That’s disgusting. I’m right here.”

Taxian-jun spins around to glare at his cousin. “Just because you’re a loser who has no one to kiss you doesn't mean you need to dry up the room.”

“What!” Xue Meng hisses back. “Who said– Shut up!”

“Oh? Taxian-jun turns to face him head on, eager to rile him up. “You have someone to kiss?”

“That’s not what I said!”

“So you don’t then? Or you’re lying to your shizun and you know the punishment for lying. Shizun, you shoul-”

“That’s enough, Mo Ran.” Chu Wanning covers Taxian-jun’s mouth with his hand to shut him up. Taxian-jun licks it. He doesn’t react at all but wipes his hand on his robes. Xue Meng looks absolutely disgusted, his lip pulled up in half a sneer.

“Anyways,” Chu Wanning says, completely ignoring Taxian-jun’s antics to resume talking to Xue Meng. “The sect has really grown well under your leadership. I’m surprised by how many new disciples you have.”

They remain for a while longer before Xue Meng is pulled away into a meeting and Taxian-jun feels he can breathe again. As they leave the room Chu Wanning quietly says, “Thank you.”

“Hm?” Taxian-jun hums. 

“I know that was hard for you,” Chu Wanning says. “I just… I wanted to see him today.”

“This venerable one understands.”

Chu Wanning almost says something and stops himself. Taxian-jun takes his hand and interlaces their fingers, running away from Sisheng Peak down the thousands of steps to Wuchang Town where Taxian-jun lets Chu Wanning lead him and delights in buying his husband whatever he wants. Chu Wanning even stops and selects a small wooden toy for Taxian-jun to shove into his pocket and delight over later. Chu Wanning has a slight expression of wonderment at the town he’s walked through so many times before, at the bustling crowd and bright colors of signs and flags overhanging the buildings. He stays close to Taxian-jun so that no one will touch him, but other than that seems excited to be in Wuchang Town once more.

Goods in hand, they hurry back up to Siseng Peak through the main halls of the sect, over the bridge crossing the Yellow River, and towards the Southern Peak.

Red Lotus Pavilion looks the same as when Chu Wanning left it. Xue Meng has kept it preserved for him to return to whenever he likes. It’s not like what Taxian-jun remembers though. A lot of it is, but enough things are different to make him feel strange. That’s what so much of this world is: just off enough to make him feel queasy all the time. 

Chu Wanning heats a bottle of wine while Taxian-jun cooks a small meal to share in the garden now overgrown. Taxian-jun would like to tend to it. He dedicated so much energy into keeping Red Lotus Pavilion pristine for a lifetime, it hurts him now to see it overgrown. He once thought its preservation and upkeep was a way to further humiliate Chu Wanning by trapping him in what once was, but in truth it was his heart’s way of trying to give him somewhere beautiful and homely and supposedly safe. Not that it was ever safe.

They sit in the garden together next to the pond in the small pagoda. Chu Wanning looks out at the water while Taxian-jun looks at him contemplating something. He’s sat in silence like this for nearly a sichen. Even so, Chu Wanning keeps his hand resting atop Taxian-jun’s.

“If…” Taxian-jun starts and swallows hard. It’s hard not to feel defensive. “If you want to talk about something you can. I know you don’t like talking to this venerable one and like talking to him instead then… but if you have something to say to this venerable one you can.”

Chu Wanning turns to look at him with a soft expression of surprise and breaks into a small smile.

“I like talking to you,” he says not in a way that convinces Taxian-jun. “Sometimes I don’t know what to say though. What you remember. Or what I remember.”

“Well if you don’t want to remember any of it then don’t—” Taxian-jun starts even more defensive at attempting to talk to his husband in a heartfelt way. He grabs his cup to bring to his lips but Chu Wanning catches his hand.

“I do want to remember,” he says. “Today I remember a lot for some reason. Do you want to know what I remember?”

“Not really,” Taxian-jun replies. With how Chu Wanning is acting, it can only be a bad memory returned to him like a leaf atop a flowing river drifting from far upstream, never to be returned to the tree it fell from.

Chu Wanning moves closer and lays his head against Taxian-jun’s chest. He remains silent having been told not to recount what he remembers, instead twisting his finger against a loose thread of his robes. He closes his eyes and yawns widely with a soft hum.

The desire to know what Chu Wanning was going to say catches against Taxian-jun to make him feel itchy inside. He tries to resist until he can’t anymore.

“Fine. Tell this venerable one if you’re so desperate to blabber about it then.”

Chu Wanning chuckles. Taxian-jun thinks he hears a quiet dummy in there. He pulls him close and kisses the top of his head. He asks more genuinely, “What were you thinking about, baobei?”

Chu Wanning’s lips curl into a slight smile.

“There was one mid-autumn festival where you decided you didn’t want to go to the festivities. Do you remember it?”

Taxian-jun scrunches his face trying to remember.

“This venerable one… was sick. You got me sick.”

Chu Wanning huffs. “I had a stomach bug. You wound yourself into near qi deviation.”

“Because of you?” Taxian-jun takes the hand playing with the loose thread in his robes and runs his fingers along the delicate bones. His wrist is small enough he can wrap it merely index finger to thumb. He loves how scholarly Chu Wanning is in aspects, even now when he’s at the peak of his power.

“Maybe. You were worried about me. That surely added to it.”

Mo Ran makes a noise of agreement. That feels right. He doesn’t remember it but he’s certain that he would blame Chu Wanning for such a thing. He kisses the back of his hand and mumbles something of an apology. Chu Wanning cups his cheek and leans back into him to rest all his weight.

Gently, he says, “Don’t be” before continuing. “You wouldn’t go to the festivities, even though there was one in Linyi arranged just for you. They had a good harvest that year and everyone said it was because of the coming of your second era.”

Mo Ran snorts. “Ji Ba.”

Chu Wanning huffs again. For the first time Taxian-jun hears light amusement in that familiar huff of annoyance. His shizun always hated what he named the eras of his rule, but perhaps it was only the condition of his rule. Perhaps now that they have not come to pass, Chu Wanning finally sees the humor of the carefully selected names.

“So you stayed at the palace with me and missed the celebrations. You were so angry about it.”

Taxian-jun feels himself wilting at those words. He knows what angry means and he knows that even though Chu Wanning speaks in an even pitch the pain those words contain. Even if Chu Wanning was ill that day, he wouldn’t have let him off easy for such a crime if he blamed him.

“It wasn’t until you raged about being forced to stay home because of me that I realized you faked your qi deviation. You showed no signs of it in your spiritual veins.”

Utterly confused, Taxian-jun asks, “I– what? Why would This venerable one do that?”

Chu Wanning tilts his head up for a kiss. Taxian-jun supplies it and he lays his head back against Mo Ran’s chest. Taxian-jun wraps his arms around him.

“I was lonely,” Chu Wanning says evenly. Taxian-jun squeezes him tightly knowing that when he remembers being Chu Fei this is what he recalls. “You knew I was lonely. That year mid-autumn was only two weeks after Xue Meng’s birthday and I missed him. You already went hunting him and instead of fighting, you spent two days on a cliff overlooking their camp watching and reported it back to me. I thought you were being cruel, but you were actually being kind.”

Taxian-jun hides his confusion of how that was being kind. He faintly remembers that at least, perched over their camp thinking how easy it would be to kill him and deciding Xue Meng deserved a far worse death than merely being shot from a distance. He knows he made Chu Wanning tear up and nearly cry when he snarled about how easy of a target he made himself and how Chu Wanning would have to behave if he wanted to spare him further. At that point in their relationship he rarely saw Chu Wanning break down anymore. He was so broken there was little more to break.

“So come the festival you didn’t want to go with Song Qiutong and instead decided to stay with me. You just needed an excuse. You always found ways to be kind, Mo Ran.”

“Mn,” Taxian-jun grunts around the knot in his throat.

“So that year before the celebrations you suffered a qi deviation. No one saw it. You were alone in your room. I thought you were trying to open the gates again. But later that night when you talked about it being a time for family as we lit lanterns together, I realized you didn’t want to go to the mid-autumn festival at all. You wanted to stay home with me because we were the only family we had. Do you remember any of that?”

“No,” Taxian-jun admits. He has no memory of it other than being angry at the fact that Chu Wanning got him sick. Of course Chu Wanning didn’t get him sick. Chu Wanning had no core and was sick all the time, while Taxian-jun never caught the colds or fevers of common people. He was an idiot to think such a thing.

“You smiled a lot that night,” Chu Wanning says and pokes Mo Ran’s cheek to drag his thoughts back to the story. “Even if you were miserable from pretending to have a qi deviation. You clung off me the whole night saying you felt sick and I should take care of you like you take care of me. You were like when you first brought that puppy home and it wouldn’t leave my feet. I was practically carrying you until we just laid down in the grass to stare up at the lanterns. Right there.” He gestures a short ways away by the pond. “We spent most of the night laying there until the dew formed and we went in to bed.”

“And did you smile that night?” Taxian-jun tentatively asks.

“When it was dark,” Chu Wanning replies. “And you couldn’t see.”

Taxian-jun’s voice drops into a whisper of regret. “Because This venerable one would punish you if you smiled in front of me.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Chu Wanning replies. He smiles now up at Mo Ran, soft and gentle, still docile unlike his usual self. “I didn’t know how to smile back then anyways.”

In the distance from across the pond a frog croaks and a fish splashes in the hopes of nabbing a dragonfly dipping against the water.

“Chu Fei?” Taxian-jun asks after the moment of silence.

“Mn?”

“I don’t know.”

Chu Wanning accepts him not knowing what he wants to say and stretches out to relax in Mo Ran’s lap in such a way that he never does now. At least not since the last life when he had to submit to Taxian-jun’s grasp. Taxian-jun picks up the cup of wine and takes a deep sip. Only after so long does the pear blossom wine not taste like mourning.

“Chu Fei?” he asks again.

Without opening his eyes Chu Wanning replies, “Yes, Mo Ran?”

It feels silly to ask but he needs to.

“Is it really you?”

Chu Wanning rolls over so he lays on his stomach in the grass with his torso caught between Mo Ran’s thighs. He meets Taxian-jun’s eye with curiosity. 

“What do you mean?”

“Are you Chu Fei or are you…” he doesn’t know how to explain what he feels, that he is Mo Ran, but he is not Mo-zongshi.

“I’m me,” Chu Wanning says. He reaches up and pokes the center of Mo Ran’s forehead. “Today I just feel a little more like me before.”

A little more like before. A little more like Chu Fei. Every piece of his strange behavior today makes sense as Chu Wanning confirms Taxian-jun’s thought.

His hope and worry finally confirmed, he wants to apologize to him. He’s already apologized and begged and pleaded Chu Wanning over the months and already Chu Wanning has forgiven him. But it’s different to say those words to Chu Wanning who remembers what Taxian-jun did and Chu Fei who experienced it. He knows Chu Wanning experienced it but he’s never been able to separate his guilt. What he did to Chu Fei feels worse than what he did to Chu Wanning. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to explain why.

Perhaps it’s because Chu Wanning is just Chu Wanning while Taxian-jun is not just Mo Ran, that he feels overwhelmingly isolated for it. No one will ever understand what he did. Even Mo-zongshi can’t understand what it’s like to give up and die only to wake without control of his body and mind. What it’s like to kill more and more and more. Chu Wanning says Mo Ran suffers nightmares, but he doesn’t understand that for Taxian-jun they never cease. His dreams are only screams and curses on his soul. It is only because he’s grown so used to them that he can sleep at all. Mo-zongshi was returned under Chu Wanning’s wing while he had no one. Only Hua Binan infiltrating his mind to make him worse than he already was. Mo-zongshi will never know what it’s like to exist for years in a dead body with no heartbeat and cold, stiff limbs. Taxian-jun can’t ever just be Mo Ran, and therefore he struggles with the idea of Chu Wanning just being Chu Wanning. He can’t help but miss his Chu Fei despite how he loves Chu Wanning as much as his heart is capable of. He wants someone who might understand that fully and part of him thinks Chu Fei would.

He always feels so guilty for wishing that one day Chu Fei would appear before him.

“I’m sorry,” Taxian-jun says quietly. He runs his fingers through Chu Wanning’s hair as he repeats his words again and again until they become a waterfall expelling from him without control.

Chu Wanning listens to it, he lets Taxian-jun spill his heart in a way he never was capable of in the last life. He listens to what he’s heard Mo Ran say a thousand times. Only when Taxian-jun’s apologies slow and he bites his lip hard enough to draw blood does he crawl up to kneel between Taxian-jun’s thighs so they’re face to face.

“If you want this venerable one to leave,” Taxian-jun starts.

“I don’t want that,” Chu Wanning says. “I never wanted that. I’ll never want you to leave me.”

Taxian-jun’s eyes sting knowing Chu Wanning and Chu Fei still want him still, but he won’t let tears fall. He’s not Mo-zongshi. He’s not pathetic like that. He won’t let such a thing break him down.

“How?” he asks.

Chu Wanning cups his cheeks in his palms and thumbs away tears that do not fall. He smiles gently at Mo Ran.

“Because I love you. I’d give everything for you. I did it once and I’d do it again. Any me, for any you.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Chu Wanning leans in to kiss Taxian-jun. Between soft pecks he says, “As long as you promise the same.”

“I won’t,” Taxian-jun promises. He wraps his arms around Chu Wanning. He won’t promise not to sacrifice everything for Chu Wanning. He has before and he would again. He even died for Chu Wanning. He felt the water of the great flood filling his lungs to steal away the semblance of life as he ensured Chu Wanning’s safe return to that world he was so jealous of for so many years.

They stay in the pagoda for several hours as the sun drifts across them towards the treeline. Chu Wanning tells Taxian-jun several more stories about when he somehow managed to feel happiness under his captivity. He also recounts times he remembers Taxian-jun being happy too. Taxian-jun can’t recall anything Chu Wanning says, and if he can they’re not like what Chu Wanning recounts. They’re memories washed over by anger or hurt.

Taxian-jun tells Chu Wanning stories too. He tells him about receiving the letters of Chu Wanning’s new life, pretending they didn’t hurt him and he was glad to read of his happiness. He tells him about times Chu Wanning was sick and Taxian-jun snuggled close to him and how it was as close to happiness he often felt because Chu Wanning would bury his face against his chest and hold him back. He tells him about one time when he took Chu Wanning to the night market and Chu Wanning bought him hawthorn candy with money Taxian-jun didn’t even know he brought with him, and it was the first time anyone ever gave Mo Ran candy in his life– or at least that he could recall. It was that bitterness about it being the first time anyone gave him such a treat in his memory that let him hold onto that moment despite the flower.

Chu Wanning is quiet as Taxian-jun speaks, only replying when called upon. But his fingers interlock with Taxian-jun’s, he lounges in his lap, and he smiles softly at the stories, sometimes even chuckling and calling Mo Ran a dummy.

It’s unlike what Taxian-jun could have imagined. He’s so different from the Chu Wanning he knew and even the Chu Wanning he knows now. It’s the effect of the pain he inflicted upon him at the forefront of his beloved’s mind and yet the knowledge that that pain is gone forever only to be replaced with love. That he sacrificed and suffered because despite it all he somehow still loved Mo Ran.

They stay in the pavilion that night rather than returning to their cabin. Chu Wanning walks through it slowly, touching furniture and objects pensively while Taxian-jun trails half a step behind him. Some things that Taxian-jun destroyed early on in his invasion of the pavilion Chu Wanning picks up to examine. Other things that didn’t exist in Chu Fei’s lifetime, like the little figurines Xue Meng and Shi Mei made upon his revival, he examines with a curiosity as he tries to recall the muffled memories of where they came from.

One book that lives on the floor next to Chu Wanning’s work table both in this lifetime and the last he picks up and dusts off.

“What’s that?” Taxian-jun asks resting his chin on Chu Wanning’s shoulder to peer over as Chu Wanning flips it.

“One of the books I taught you to read with. It’s a story about a street cat that moved into the palace and lives a life of luxury.”

Taxian-jun reaches around to peer at it closer. He doesn’t remember it but it feels familiar. “You kept it all this time?”

Chu Wanning is quiet where normally he would grow defensive and spit words a little to sharp to be fair. He lays his hand over the book so Taxian-jun can’t take it entirely. “I like keeping stuff,” he finally says.

“It’s why your room is so messy,” Taxian-jun teases. That earns him an elbow in the gut but it’s only hard enough to make him laugh.  He clings to Chu Wanning tighter, rocking him back and forth as he buries his face in the crook of his neck, pressing kisses against his skin and whispering how much he loves him.

“Mo Ran…” Chu Wanning says tilting his head back to be kissed further and clutching the book to his chest.

“Mn?” Taxian-jun hums.

“I– just– you should–” Chu Wanning hitches and suddenly Taxian-jun registers the desire in Chu Wanning’s voice. He unburies himself and spins Chu Wanning around to face him. The book is raised to cover half his face but fails to hide the blush rising up his face to make him both utterly adorable and unbearably sexy he is.

Excitement overwhelms Taxian-jun. He digs his fingers into Chu Wanning’s shoulders so he can’t get away. His Wanning, his husband, his Chu Fei desires him. Raw, untainted desire evoked from mere proximity and a day of gentle conversation.

“Say it,” he says excitedly. “Say what you were going to say.”

Chu Wanning doesn’t say it. His eyes dart downwards from neck to pants and back up at Mo Ran.

“Say it!” Taxian-jun repeats. Greed for the feeling of being wanted and loved floods him. “Say what you want!”

“Iwantyou.” Chu Wanning says so quickly it’s a single word.

That’s all Taxian-jun needs to hear. He scoops Chu Wanning up despite his flailing limbs. The book thuds onto the ground quickly forgotten. Taxian-jun carries him to the bed that is so familiar and yet so different. Mo-zongshi and Chu Wanning have done things in this bed, him not himself and Chu Wanning. Certainly neither and Chu Fei who has pushed to the forefront of Chu Wanning’s memories today just for him.  Within a second he’s pulling at Chu Wanning’s simple robes and Chu Wanning is tugging at his in mutual need.

Clothes are thrown onto the floor and Chu Wanning pinned to the bed with his arms caught over his head, his legs wrapped tightly around Mo Ran’s waist. His body is so hot pressed against Taxian-jun’s. Both fill the pavilion with breathy moans between their kisses.

He tastes sweet. He tastes like pear blossom wine and Mo Ran suddenly remembers how sweet it is and that he too loves sweetness. The alcohol keeps them warm even with an open window letting the cold night air pass over them.

He kisses more like he did before. Chu Wanning, with this life’s memories always at the forefront of his mind, is still unpracticed at kisses. He’s unsure and timid, letting Mo Ran head the charge. But now with Chu Fei’s memories pushing forward he remembers how to kiss properly, how to let Taxian-jun in and how to explore Taxian-jun’s mouth in return. The difference is that now his kisses are desperate with desire to never break away and for kisses to become something more as Taxian-jun pushes him back onto the bed.

“Hurry up,” Chu Wanning moans into Taxian-jun’s neck when he works his body pliant. He digs his nails into Mo Ran’s back to carve deep red lines. “Mo Ran hurry up. I want you now.”

Taxian-jun has never felt as wanted as he does with Chu Fei telling him he is like this. For so long he hasn’t been able to believe that Chu Wanning actually loves him, desires him, or even wants him. He was a side effect of Mo-zongshi, a blight that appears every three days to endure until he vanishes again. He inflicted upon himself the same isolation he felt for most his life because it was better than being rejected, but rejected he is not. He’s pulled into Chu Wanning’s arms, his kisses, and his body. He’s wanted and needed. He’s loved because all there is between them is love no matter how mutilated or misunderstood it might have once been.

He withdraws his fingers and lines up his cock, slowly pressing into his husband who he loves dearly. He knows what Chu Wanning likes. He knows what he wants and what feels good for him. It was another way his twisted heart tried to love him back then: seeking Chu Wanning’s pleasure in what ways he could. It means he knows how to draw Chu Wanning into unkempt moans and sharp hitched gasps. It means he knows how hard to thrust as he buries him in kisses telling him a million times over that he loves him. It means he knows to let Chu Wanning twist around to pull Mo Ran into kisses, muttering his own inherent admissions of love as he’s drawn out tight.

Taxian-jun remains as close to Chu Wanning as he can as they lay in bed after. One of his thighs is sandwiched between Chu Wanning’s legs. Both have their arms wrapped around the other. Taxian-jun’s head rests against the scar over Chu Wanning’s heart that he now knows the origins of. He can feel himself starting to recede away.

“Wanning,” Taxian-jun hums trying to cling onto consciousness and fight Mo-zongshi back.

“What is it, Mo Ran?” his husband who loves him in both lifetimes asks. He hears Chu Wanning’s heartbeat pick up at his voice.

“This Venerable One loves you,” Taxian-jun says softly. He opens one eye to see Chu Wanning smiling down at him. Taxian-jun can’t help but smile too as his heart warms. He remembers what Chu Wanning said this morning when he was acting especially strange: I’m glad you didn’t disappear after I died.

He struggles to shift higher to kiss Chu Wanning one more time before his consciousness is locked away and murmurs, “I’m glad you didn’t disappear after I died too.”