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Chapter Text

Los Angeles was truly one of Ioalus's favorite places on earth. The place was a complex puzzle. On the surface, L.A. looked like a sprawling city, but what most of the tourists didn't seem to know was that the place was a bunch of loosely connected neighborhoods that crudely came together to become a city.

Hercules and Iolaus first came to Los Angeles in 1911 during the initial film boon. They had visited the city off and on during the decades because being immortal made it impossible to stay in one place for long, but there was something about the city that kept them coming back. And when ten years ago, they had both returned not as Iolaus or Hercules but as Ian Holden and Jason Brant (Hercules thought it was a fitting legacy to his stepfather who had been more of a father to him than Zeus), Hercules had decided to become an actor then later a stuntman.

Iolaus happily followed him back to La-La Land.

The city was full of glitz and glam, secrets, filth, and color, and was a melting pot of different ethnicities, races, sexualities, and genders.

But Iolaus hated West Hollywood with a passion.

It was supposed to be the most welcoming neighborhood for the LGBTQ+ community, yet every time Hercules and Iolaus came down to WeHo, they mostly encountered bigoted assholes. Iolaus usually made friends easily, but even he found it hard not to punch someone in the nose whenever they made a biphobic comment.

Hercules and Iolaus had been together off and on for millennia. They had both had wives and children in their hero days and, low and behold, centuries later, they were still bisexual. So every time he was met with, "Bisexuality doesn't exist. You just have not chosen a side yet", he wanted to scream that back in his day, bisexuality was not only common but encouraged.

But that thought usually made him feel older than he already was.

All this to say, Iolaus had come up with the cockamamie idea to open up a bar one night after he and his partner had been kicked out of yet another bar. That time, it had been Hercules's fault for punching a pretentious and intolerant white gay dude who had loudly refused to accept that Herc was not only taken but also bi.

So later, when they had returned home to their bungalow in Studio City, they had laid quietly in bed. Iolaus had laid his head on Hercules's chest, and his husband's large arms had wrapped around him in the dark. They had laid like that for what seemed like hours, just taking comfort in each other’s arms.

It had reminded him of all those times they had huddled up in an inn or cuddled each other in their bedrolls under the stars. And it was while they had laid in bed that the idea had come to him. "What If I opened a bar," Iolaus had blurted out loud. "A bar for people like us."

"Old and grumpy?" Hercules had joked.

"You got jokes now?" Iolaus had slapped him playfully on the shoulder. "No, people who are queer or trans or just weird. People who don't fit in." He had gestured around with his free hand.

Hercules had remained silent for a moment and then said, "Yeah, okay."

They had started looking for possible locations the next day. Hercules had been right there by his side, supporting him every step of the way.

Iolaus had hunted for ages for the right location. He had come close to closing on an old shoe shop in Echo Park when his relator had tentatively offered a listing for an old, dilapidated place on Sunset Boulevard. And as cliché, as the location was, Iolaus had known it was the will of the fates for them to have found it.

The place had been just a square-shaped building with peeling white paint and an inspection away from becoming condemned. Iolaus had immediately fallen in love with it and dived right into renovating it. Hercules had helped as much as he could in between working on a big-budget action movie.

Iolaus had ripped out walls, sanded floors, and replaced windows and doors with glee. He would return home on nights Hercules hadn’t worked to find a warm bath and a hot meal waiting for him, and later Hercules would curl his big body around him.

Xena and Gabrielle had dropped by to help. They were among the few friends they still had left from their hero days. Unlike Iolaus (who had chosen to eat a golden apple ), Xena and Gabrielle had chosen to live out their mortal lives and reincarnate. And, in every life, they would gradually regain all the memories of their past lives.

These days, Xena was Lana Foster, a doctor at Cedar Sinai, and Gabrielle was Kimberly Carlson, an English Literature Professor at Loyola Marymount University. For the first time in a while, Xena and Gabrielle actually resembled the women he had known back in Greece.

The four of them were still the best of friends, and Iolaus had been touched that they had come to help.

The first time they had turned up to help, Xena had taken one look at the place and at a shirtless Iolaus with hair full of plaster and dirt and had laughed. But Gabrielle, who was a good friend, had pulled up her sleeves and started helping. And Gabrielle had no shame using her big doe eyes to manipulate Xena into helping.

It had taken six months before Miscellany had opened one cold Friday night in September, and Iolaus had gleefully put a bisexual flag sticker on the window and turned on the neon open sign.

Miscellany was a bar for everyone, and that was how it would stay.

Chapter Text

It was a busy Saturday morning at the farmer’s market. The drive to Echo Park was hectic. It took them nearly an hour to make it even with the weekend traffic.

But seeing Kendis with a smile on her face as she walked down the busy market was well worth it. Tony smiled when he noticed that she was wearing her special new earbuds that he had designed for her. The earbuds could strip out ambient chaos by running a reverse-wave null cycle. It automatically filters out background noise and prioritizes voices.

It was something that, in theory, was so simple, but getting the calibrations just right was a pain in the ass.

He remembered when he gave Kendis the earbuds and how she tried to tell him it was too much and she didn't need them, but he knew it would help her cut down on getting overstimulated. 

It was November, a week before Thanksgiving. But you couldn't tell by all the shorts and flip-flops people were wearing or the temperatures, which were a tepid 70 degrees. He was already sweating in his gray Pantera T-shirt, jeans, and boots.

He glanced around the crowd to see if anyone recognized them, but the notice me not spell was working. And since they found a workaround to make magic and tech coexist peacefully together. He didn't have to worry about both of them being ambushed by fans.

Tony took her hand and they laced their fingers together as they walked down the street. With her free hand, she held Alke’s leash as the dog excitedly trotted down the busy walkway.

The market seemed to have everything under the sun. There was a stand full of eggs. The eggs were blue, yellow, and brown, and across from it was a stand selling wine. Tony sniffed the air, and in the distance, he could vaguely smell roasting chicken.

Kendis stopped at the stand full of mushrooms, and she picked one up and examined it. Tony couldn't tell the difference between the two, but she picked up a few, and the seller weighed them and put them in a bag. 

She took out her wallet and handed the seller money.

Tony playfully knocked her wallet away. "We had this conversation, Kendis. If you are cooking it, I am paying for it."

Kendis rolled her eyes. "Okay, big spender, but I'm paying for lunch."

Tony opened his mouth to argue, but she laughed and gave him the hand. his face with a laugh and walked to the next stand. He looked down at Alke in amazement.

"Why is your mama so mean to me?"

Alke just gave him a clueless doggy grin, her tail wagging. There was a cough, and Tony took out his wallet. He usually didn't use cash, but Pepper had been wonderful and gotten money out for him the day before.

Sometimes it felt like his spouse and his personal assistant were Incahoots together. With a put-upon sigh, Tony handed the man a few bills, which he knew were more than the actual price, but Tony had zero problem enthusiastically supporting a small business.

Tony looked over to see that Kendis and Alke had wandered a few stalls down, and now she was carefully examining a turkey. The dog whined, but Kendis pointedly ignored her. He walked up to her and kissed the side of her head. "Find anything good?"

Kendis walked around until she paused and pointed to the one at the very end. "Can I have that one?" She politely asked the seller.

The seller was a mature woman, probably in her fifties, with salt and pepper hair, wearing a fantastic Grateful Dead t-shirt. "The thirty-pounder?" The woman gave them a dubious look. "You sure?"

“We're having a friendsgiving, and our friends have big appetites,” Kendis shrugged. "I'll probably take two more of your biggest turkeys."

The seller shook her head as she wrapped the turkeys, and Tony quickly paid and snatched one of the turkeys from Kendis. He swore under his breath as he staggered under the weight. 'Note to self: I need to fire my personal trainer.'

Tony dropped the turkey into the cart.

"Feeling okay, old man?"

"Old man?" Tony snorted, "I'm only 33."

Kendis laughed as Tony grabbed the other two, and then Tony handed Kendis his wallet so he could pay. She rolled her eyes but pulled out some money and handed it to the woman. They continued to walk and stop along the stalls, picking up what she needed.

Kendis had insisted on cooking a traditional Thanksgiving for their Friendsgiving celebration, which they were hosting at the Malibu mansion. Because the new house they were building wasn’t quite ready yet.

Tony suggested a potluck or paying for catering, but Kendis wasn't having it. Actually, she had been offended that he would even suggest it. 

"Tony, this is like my Super Bowl." Kendis patiently tried to explain. "I waited for this all year."

So, Tony walked dutifully beside her as she shopped for ingredients, and he pulled the cart down the busy walkway.  

He spotted a flower stand and handed Kendis the cart. “Wait here!"

"Tony, what?!" Kendis called out as Tony jogged over to the stall. Tony saw a bunch of red and yellow chrysanthemums in a vase. “Can I take  a dozen of these?"

"You are terribly sweet," the old man said as he wrapped the bouquet and handed it to him. "Take it from someone who has been married for 30 years. Never stop buying your wife flowers."

"Spouse," Tony absentmindedly corrected as he took out his wallet and handed him double the amount for the flowers.

"That's more--" The man spluttered.

"For the good advice," Tony said, with a wink as he took the bouquet and jogged back to her.

"Tony," Kendis gave a soft smile. Tony felt his cheeks flush and shoved them in her arms. "Um, for your centerpiece."

"Thank you," Kendis shook her head ruefully and kissed him on the cheek. "You’re not fooling anyone, you old softie."

Tony coughed and looked away. He was turning into a sap, but with Kendis, he couldn’t help it. It was just something about Kendis that turned him into a mushy fool.

"Come on, I need to pick up some collard greens, and then we can have lunch. You haven't lived until you’ve had Buñuelos."

With cart and dog in hand, the couple walked through the market as a quiet happiness brewed between them.  

Chapter Text

A Cauldron Confidential Exclusive

By Juniper Bristlecone, Senior Enchanter of Scandal and Spark | April 14, 2008

Darlings, gather your brooms and brace yourselves, because the wizarding world’s most elusive hero has finally stepped out of the shadows and straight into the arms of a Muggle.

Yes, you read that right. Kendis Black, defeater of He Who Refuses To Be Named For Branding Reasons and conquering war hero, has been spotted cozying up with Tony Stark. Yes, that Tony Stark! Billionaire inventor, muggle tech icon, and a man who probably thinks a bezoar is a trendy drink garnish.

Kendis has been living outside the public eye for years. Aside from the occasional Quidditch match or charity gala, they have been almost impossible to spot. Most people simply shrugged and said, “That is Kendis. They have earned their peace.”

So imagine our surprise sources started to talk about a possible romance between the champion of the Wizarding World and the muggle playboy.

However, we didn’t believe it until a photo of Kendis and Tony looking awful cozy was leaked in the Muggle news and it didn’t take long for it to spread into the Wizarding World.

 Now, the wizarding world is up and arms, and reactions have ranged from swoony delight to full-body salt.

“I think it is adorable,” said a witch outside Café Vespertilio. “If anyone deserves love, it is Kendis.”

Of course, not everyone is polishing their dress robes in celebration.

“A muggle? Really?” huffed a wizard who insisted on remaining anonymous but definitely smelled like Knockturn Alley. “Kendis could do better. Or at least date someone magical.”

“This is what happens when heroes retire,” muttered another. “They get soft.”

One especially salty Howler-writer declared,

“Ginny Weasley is right there!”

A bold statement, considering Ginny herself has reportedly moved on with Kendis’s Hogwarts’s housemate Neville Longbottom and is focusing on leading the Holyhead Harpies to winning their third Qudditch World Cup.

But unanswered questions swirl thicker than a poorly brewed polyjuice potion. Namely:

What does this mean for the Statute of Secrecy?

A muggle partner is one thing. A muggle celebrity with a camera crew practically glued to his lifestyle is something else entirely.

MACUSA and the Muggle Liaison Department have both refused to comment, which, as we all know, usually means one of two things:

1. They are panicking.
2. They are panicking even more than we think.

Speculation is everywhere.

“Honestly, Stark might take it better than half the wizarding world,” suggested a werewolf bartender. “At least we know he is not after Kendis’s gold.”

Meanwhile, a Ministry insider whispered,

“If anyone can convince a muggle billionaire to keep quiet, it is Kendis. They have stared down much worse than a camera crew.”

Whatever the truth, one thing is certain? Kendis Black has returned to the spotlight, and Tony Stark is right there with them.

And you know your girl Juniper will be here, wand in hand, quill ready, watching every spark as it lights up the sky.

Stay tuned, beloveds!

Chapter Text

By Roan Jackson | Society & Style | April 15, 2008

Everyone is buzzing about Tony Stark’s appearance last night at the Apogee Awards. Instead of talking about Stark’s Lifetime Achievement Award in Design and Innovation award. The internet is aflame with speculation about the debut of his hot new flame.

Fans were stunned when Tony walked the red carpet with a mysterious woman (whom he only introduced to reporters as Kendis) dressed in a stunning silk and velvet blue and green Sadek Majed jumpsuit. Meanwhile, Tony was dressed in a complementary cobalt blue Phineas Cole suit and a Valentino blue tie—the couple obviously presenting a united front.

“What stunned me wasn’t just that Kendis isn’t Stark’s ‘type’. It’s that she knew it and didn’t care. She wasn’t trying to blend into the mold. The velvet-teal jumpsuit? That was a ‘watch me redefine the narrative’ move,” said Bryant K, fashion consultant.

People were speculating that Tony would finally be making his relationship with Pym Technologies heiress Hope Van Dyne. They were seen a few months cozy at a Stark Foundations Gala.

No one was prepared for Kendis. She is far from the models and starlets with her afro and her skin a tapestry of tattoo. Tony typically has on his arm, but to everyone’s surprise, she was the picture of calm and poise as she posed for the cameras.

“Everyone and their assistant were betting on a Hope Van Dyne soft launch. She’s wealthy, legacy, and PR-polished! Exactly the kind of match Tony's camp would greenlight. The fact that he swerved that narrative and introduced someone entirely unknown? That’s not just unexpected—that’s a calculated risk.” says one industry insider.

Tony had only eyes for her the entire night, as they walked the carpet hand in hand. Believe it or not, Tony and Kendis even shared a smooch!

"Tony's totally smitten!" A fan said, “The man has heart eyes.”

This was after Stark had social media alike on speculation when he dropped photos on his Quickpix account that were obviously soft launching a new relationship.

Photos of a lunch over tacos, and that enigmatic photo of a cropped photo of that we now know that is of Tony and his new flame Kendis.

Some speculate that this is an obvious publicity stunt to clean up Stark’s horrible playboy image, and a few say that this is not going to last long. The question is, who Kendis and will this new relationship last?

Only time will tell.

Chapter Text

Scene: There is a pretty plus-size Black woman with long locs dressed in a blue dress sitting at a circular desk in front of a blue and white news background.  

Maryanne: Good morning, Los Angeles. I am Maryanne Macdonald with your morning news. 

Our top story this morning is the attack on the Pacific Design Center last night. Police reports say that Tony Stark was accepting the award at nine o'clock last night when there was a report of smoke in the ballroom.

*An image of Tony Stark on a red carpet pops up next to her.* 

Maryanne: KNIX 13 reporter Armando Soto is reporting live from the Pacific Design Center. Armando?

*The picture of Tony disappears, and a young Latinx man standing in front of a red, blue, and green modern-style building holding a microphone replaces it.* 

Armando: Thank you, Maryanne. Witnesses say that the ballroom in the Pacific Design Center erupted in smoke last night.  Award goers fled in the middle of Tony Stark's acceptance speech. 

*The video switches to a pretty blonde woman standing in front of the Pacific Design Center at night. In the background are cop cars and EMTs.* 

Witness: "I was inside the ballroom at the Pacific Design Center when it happened. One second, Tony Stark was mid-speech, the next there was smoke everywhere, and people started rushing for the exits. It got chaotic really fast.”

* The video switches back to Armando.* 

Armando: Rumors suggest anti-war protesters are involved after controversy arose regarding Stark's Apogee Lifetime Achievement award amid war profiteering accusations. As of now, the LAPD has not released any official comment. 

However, this morning, Tony Stark's attorneys issued this statement: 

*Text from Mr. Stark's statement appears on the screen*

Mr. Stark is saddened and disappointed that someone would take this opportunity to harm innocent people. Both he and his companion Kendis was not harmed and got out of the venue safely. Mr. Stark eagerly awaits more information from the authorities and hopes the people who are responsible are quickly brought to justice. 

Armando: We're on top of this and will update you as soon as we have more on this situation.

 

Chapter Text

“Can we skip this?” Tony whines from the bathroom. The door was firmly closed, and Kendis rolled her eyes because Tony had been complaining since she had handed him the clothing bag and shoved him in the loo.

“No,” Kendis said as she adjusted the hood of her dress and then frowned. She would have preferred to wear pants or even an elf costume, but Tony only agreed to this if she wore the damn dress.

The costume comprised of a gorgeous crimson velvet coat that was trimmed with white faux fur. The coat parted, revealing a light red dress with gold details.

It was stunning but hot, heavy, and uncomfortable. But Tony and her had made a deal.

She sighed, turned away from the mirror, and stomped out of her closet to the bathroom.

“Anthony Edward Stark, if you don’t come out of that bloody loo right this second, I’m going to drag your arse out of it!

There was a moment of silence, and then she heard a put-upon sigh as he yanked the door open.

Tony stood there resplendent in his matching crimson velvet suit. The man looked like a more lavish version of Father Christmas with the red velvet and white faux fur coat, his black belt cinching his waist.

He didn’t quite look complete without Father Christmas’ big belly. Kendis would have to deal with it. One condition of getting Tony to agree to this was that he didn’t have to wear the fat suit.

It was cold for Los Angeles, fifty-three degrees, but not cold enough to warrant wearing the weight of the heavy fat suit.

Tony’s shiny black leather boots, with gold buckles and red hat, made him a sight to behold.

“You look wonderful, darling,” Kendis said with a grin, kissing him on the cheek.

“I look ridiculous,” Tony replied, fidgeting with the end of his coat.

“You look adorable,” Kendis counters, but then Tony looked Kendis up and down, and his brown eyes grew hot and dark with desire.

“Don’t even think about it.” Kendis stepped back, putting some distance between them. “Do you know how long it took me to get into this getup?”

“I am wondering how long it would take to tear you out of it,” Tony replied, with a slow, sexy smile that always made her shiver with arousal.

“Later,” Kendis told him. “Besides, we can’t be late. Hortense, Isiah, Jason, Ian, and Richie are waiting for us at the center.“

Tony blinked. “I still can’t believe you found an elf costume for Jason. The man is a behemoth.”

“I’ve got connections in high places,” Kendis teases, but in truth Ian thought the whole lark of them dressing as elves was hilarious and had secretly given Kendis his measurements. And she had his costume custom-made.

Doing a gift exchange at the LGBT center was an annual thing for their group of friends. The holidays were tough for most people in the community since a lot of parents disowned or kicked their kids out for being queer or trans.

Volunteering at the center every year made her experience of her own complicated feelings about the holiday season more bearable; besides, she loved giving back to the community.

This was the first year Tony would join them, and the center made an enormous deal out of it, so Kendis went all out. 

“Earth to Kendis,” Tony called out, snapped her out of her thoughts. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Kendis nodded, but then she narrowed her eyes.

“What?” 

“You forgot something,” Kendis said, then went to the closet, grabbed something, and rushed back.

“Oh, no, not the beard!” Tony whined. ‘Did this grown-ass man just stomp his foot like a toddler?’ Her husband was so ridiculous sometimes. 

“What is Father Christmas without a beard?”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned, but in the end, he allowed them to put it on. Kendis grinned as they adjusted the long, white curly beard.

“Come on, Mx. Clause.” Tony sighed as he offered her his arm. She linked arms with him, and they went from the bedroom to the elevator and down to Tony’s workshop.

They took their time to say hello to the bots, but then she froze as she spotted a big shiny red sleigh. It reminded her immediately of someone’s idea of a futuristic snowmobile. Sleek and aerodynamic with gold snowflakes painted on the side, and a gold leather interior.

“Tony, tell me you didn’t—“

“Build a repulsor-powered sleigh?” Tony cackled as he rubbed his hands together. “You bet your sweet ass I did!”

Kendis looked at the ceiling and asked whatever benevolent celestial energy would listen for help. She jumped as Tony slapped her ass.

“Let’s go deliver some toys to all the good queer and trans folks.”

Kendis sighed but accepted Tony’s help to climb into the sleigh since her dress was so long. Tony then ran to get in on the driver’s side.

Kendis noticed that the dashboard was full of toggles and switches. It had a state-of-the-art HUD, which showed a map of Los Angeles.

“Ready to go, Jarvis?” 

“Affirmative, sir!” Jarvis curtly replied.

“Please tell me you know how to fly this thing?” Kendis thought, thinking she should have brought her Nimbus 2800.

“No worries, babe.” Tony patted the dashboard. “I have been flying for years. I got my license and everything! Besides, if I can pilot a suit of weaponized armor, this sleigh is no problem.”

And Kendis gasped as the sleigh was suddenly hovering in the air. She clutched the dashboard as the sleigh zoomed across the lab and out of the workshop’s hangar.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Tony shouted, and Kendis shot her husband an exasperated look. But she couldn’t stay annoyed with Tony for long, and eventually her mouth split into a wide, delighted smile as they flew through the night.

“Happy Christmas, darling.”

Tony kissed the knuckles of her hands, “Buon Natale, amore mio!”