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A month.
It has been a month since Miles had last talked with Phoenix. Miles came to seek his aid for the case he had just been assigned. And somewhere in between, he also yearned to see the brilliance that once was a fixated glimmer on those pair of heterochromia eyes –but it wasn’t enough, considering how the man kept getting distracted and had to be pulled back repeatedly to the conversation. Sometimes, he would be quiet and doesn’t let the camera capture his face. Sorry, sorry, Phoenix had apologized. But they both knew that apology had meant nothing.
And thus came Miles’ conclusion –flying back home to visit Phoenix Wright.
It might have been overboard –Kay would have been delighted once she knew that Miles was flying back home again to visit Phoenix –yet Miles could feel that something was… Wrong. It might be the dark expression that sometimes loomed over Phoenix’s face, even visible through the pixelated video call they were having before this month, or how Miles had felt as if Phoenix was disconnecting from everything around him as he kept sinking in his thoughts.
Miles tightened his grip on his flight ticket. He needs to see Phoenix.
The eight-hour flight from Germany was long as usual, but Miles had gotten used to it with the frequency of him coming back home to visit Phoenix or doing some other errands. He wasted no time to go to the Wright Anything Agency office, just to meet with an unusually dark and empty office. Miles rubbed his forehead. Trucy is probably still in school, and Phoenix doesn’t usually wander to places these days. That left the Wrights’ apartment as the only answer left.
So there he stood, exhaling a deep breath as he tried calming himself down. He then rapped his knuckles on the door, the sound loud and clanky.
Silence.
Miles knocked on the door again as he fixed the scarf wrapped lightly around his neck. Just when he was about to knock for the third time, he caught the sound of some muffled shuffles from behind the door. There were several more clinks before the door creaked, and Miles was greeted by the sight of Phoenix, who immediately drew an expression that sent a pang to Miles’ chest.
Shit.
Why are you here?
Surprise, hurt, and guilt –a mixture of emotions were painted over Phoenix’s face as his eyes widened in silence. Phoenix left his thoughts unspoken, but Miles knew it was precisely the thought that had just run through the former attorney’s mind as the color slowly drained from his face.
They stood there in silence for another minute until Phoenix realized that he needed to say something.
“...Edgeworth.”
The air is heavy with tension.
“Wright,” Miles acknowledged. “I have some things to do here.” A lie. “And I think that I might as well visit you. Is that okay?”
Phoenix stood there, staring at Miles for several more seconds before he motioned at Miles to come into the apartment. Miles stepped inside and took off his coat and scarf. He swept his eyes to the apartment room, and the situation slowly dawned on him.
A mountain of dishes in the sink. Stacks of paper plates on the coffee table. A slice of pizza and a cup of coffee that had lost their heat to the chilly November air. Lumps of papers on the floor, a rugged blanket scattered to the floor, and many else – it is chaotic, Miles bit his lips. And perhaps that is what Phoenix’s mind is currently like, too.
Phoenix realized what Miles was doing and gulped, lowering the beanie that fitted his messy and unkempt hair. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t expect to have a guest this early.”
The clock almost hits three in the afternoon.
Miles shook his head.
“I apologize for not giving you a notice as well.” I just wanted to see you as fast as I can, Miles drank down his words.
Phoenix drew a thin line, and Miles’ chest tightened. “I’ll go prepare you some tea. You can just sit…” He waved his hands in the air, trying to point to something that could serve as a place to sit, yet he found none. “Uh. Wherever you can, I guess. Sorry.”
“Thank you, Wright.”
Phoenix disappeared into the kitchen, and Miles breathed in. Miles felt like he was thrown back in time –when the death of his father had clammed down all of his feelings, shutting himself down as he dissociated with everything around him because everything reminded him of the future that was now scratched out with a pen, black and thick among the white and colorful paper. A neverending question mark in his mind, caused by a heart of shattered pieces that left him alone, young and fragile, in the darkness that swallowed him.
However, that time left Miles no time to ponder himself in the dark –von Karma was there whipping him up, forbidding himself to mourn, because von Karmas does not cry over the dead, so I will not accept even a single tear shed by you. What a moment of weakness, Miles Edgeworth–
Miles’ train of thought was cut short when Phoenix returned with a steaming cup of tea. The fragrance brought warmth to him. Phoenix placed the cup in front of Miles, and Miles nodded before sipping the tea.
“So,” Phoenix sat on the sofa opposite Miles, “Are you here for the McMiller case? The one we… Uh, discussed last time?”
“That was a month ago,” Miles quipped, “But no. The McMiller case was resolved two weeks ago. He confessed his crime during the trial and told the Judge everything then.”
“Oh,” Phoenix replied. “I see.”
I don’t really remember, though, was left unspoken at the end of Phoenix’s tongue.
Miles knew, and he drank down his thoughts with his tea.
They continued talking for a while until they lapsed into silence. It was not the comfortable silence that was usually present whenever they talked.
Miles glanced at Phoenix, who had a hollow cheek and darkening eyebags. Exhaustion was just what he could deduce from his outer appearance, but his unusual silence told something else.
A few minutes passed before Phoenix broke the silence.
“Hey, Edgeworth.”
“Yes, Wright?”
“Do you–”
A pause.
The silence stretched, and Miles could feel the hesitation emerging from Phoenix.
“Never mind,” Phoenix finally mumbled. “It’s stupid.”
“It will never be something stupid, Wright,” Miles replied. “Do you have anything you wish to ask me?”
Phoenix swallowed. He opened his mouth slowly, and his hands shook a little.
“Do you think,” Phoenix said, “Do you think Trucy will be happy with me one day?”
Miles’ heart dropped.
“What made you think that?”
Phoenix shrugged. “Trucy is not as good at lying as she thinks she is, you know. Sometimes, I can see that her smile is clouded with something –with, with sadness. Maybe, maybe she misses Zak. Because he is her real father, and I, I am just–” He motioned his hands to himself, and his breath started to shake as well. “–I am just me. Disbarred, unemployed, and good for nothing. Edgeworth, I have spent days, days thinking about how I should act as a father when I know nothing about one, and I think it’s not enough. It has been two years since I’ve been with Trucy and I’m starting to think about what if I’m really not enough for Trucy, because, god I love her so much, but I feel sorry for making her stuck with me, for making her not happy with me, for making her suffer with me when she deserves better and the world, something that I could not bring to her, not when I am just–”
“Wright–”
“And sorry, I know I keep apologizing, but sorry, I actually don’t want you to be here. I don’t want to meet you, or talk to you, because– I don’t want you to see me like this,” Phoenix shuddered, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “Not this way.”
Not this way, Miles had also once said to him.
“Trucy wanted to help me clean the apartment,” he continued, and the tears flowed freely on his cheeks. “But I said no because I can do it by myself. Any proper adult should have been able to do that, right? But then I blinked, and I was stuck. I was stuck thinking about myself and how I didn’t deserve Trucy. She deserves someone who can make her smile and be happy, unlike what I am doing right now. And when I realized, it was already past noon. And then you knocked on the door, and I still haven’t cleaned up. I am sorry, Edgeworth – Miles –but you shouldn’t have come –I am grateful, because I’m also dying to see you, but I didn’t want you to, to see me like this, because I am just an embarrassment, and you’re–”
“Wright–”
“No. Don’t you dare cut me off, because Miles, you embody everything well, and I am the perfect example of a disappointment. I–”
“Phoenix .”
It shut Phoenix up within seconds. He stood there frozen as Miles got up from his seat and sat beside Phoenix, startling the other man. Miles turned his head to take a more proper look at Phoenix. The dimmed light that encapsulated his eyes was a mirror to how the dark had clouded over his mind, pulling him deeper, deeper, and deeper, and Miles breathed, because he felt like he was seeing a reflection of his old self, when all he could think was escaping his past while bringing his body back down to earth.
It is not going to be easy, but Miles opened his mouth.
“Phoenix,” Miles called the name once again –a name that rolled easily on his tongue after years of burying the yearning down in his heart. “Look at me. I need you to breathe with me. Okay? Breathe in 3, 2, 1.”
Phoenix breathed in shakily, and out, and in, and out. They repeated it several more times, and it continued for several minutes until Phoenix no longer shook under the burst of emotions, until his surroundings stopped ringing and welcomed back the comfortable silence.
“Sorry,” Phoenix apologized once again. “Sorry, sorry. I–I didn’t mean to burst out like that.”
Miles shook his head firmly. “Wright,” Miles started, “Your disbarment brought many changes to you, along with some hard times. But I hope you understand that it will never take away your essence as a human—how you will always be kind, look out for the people you care about, and always smile even during the most difficult time.”
Phoenix half-scoffed. “You know that people do change, right, Edgeworth?”
“I do,” Miles answered. “I do.” More than anyone. “But I believe kindness and empathy are not things that can easily be taken away from someone, especially from someone like you.”
“...”
“I shall continue,” Miles said. “And the things you said about Trucy –I believe they are all wrong. Yes, Trucy might experience some hardships in understanding what had happened to her father and what that meant for her future, considering she is only as young as a ten-year-old. It was not easy losing your parent at that age, but I can see it in her eyes, Wright. Her overflowing love and how she holds you dear to her heart –I can see it as clear as day. You’re helping her cope, and you’re helping her to continue. You are not a disappointment or embarrassment to her –you are her father. Her family.” Miles looked at Phoenix intently, and he could see how Phoenix’s eyes started to reflect like a glass full of unspoken words. “She is lucky to have you as her father, Wright.”
“And I–I know I am bad at being a good friend for you. But should anything require some assistance, I will never hesitate for you and Trucy. I hope you remember, Wright, that for you, and Trucy, your daughter, I–” Miles took a breath and raised his hand onto Phoenix’s cheek, wiping away the wet trails of tears, “I will do anything.”
Another beat of silence.
And Miles’ heart is pounding.
He released his hand from Phoenix’s cheek. Seeing Phoenix this vulnerable breaks Miles’ heart. He was the light who never wavered under the name of justice, whose kindness had led people to see their paths in life, including Miles. Had he not appeared in Miles’ life and turned his whole world upside down, Miles wouldn’t be where he is now. It is precisely because of Phoenix that Miles became the person he is now, and he wants to repay Phoenix whenever he can, whatever he can. His feelings for the man grew bigger and bigger each day as well, as he felt like his chest was about to combust, as he felt the twists of a knot and warmth in his chest.
“...Phoenix,” Phoenix said.
Miles raised his eyebrows. “It is your name.”
“No, I mean, you called me Phoenix.”
Miles looked away. “Well, in my defense, you were the one who started calling me with my first name, Wright.”
“Well, how can I not? I was breaking down, god damn it, and I’ve also been unconsciously calling you Miles this whole time too, so–”
“You have been what?”
“Uh.” Phoenix shut his mouth up. “Nothing, nothing. Sorry, just –forget about that. I–I’m going to. Go to my room for a while, okay?”
“Sure,” Miles replied. “Take your time.”
Phoenix disappeared into his room, and Miles let out his breath, which he had unconsciously held for the past few seconds. It felt wrong to drop hints now, given all the situations they could have probably ended up in, but maybe this is okay. Miles put a hand over his chest. Yes, perhaps it is okay.
At that very moment, Miles caught another sound that originated the opposite way.
The front door? Miles rose from his seat as he trailed down the path to the door, and he picked up the soft sobs that escaped a young child’s mouth. He snapped his head to the clock –three thirty-five. He twisted the doorknob and opened it gently before he felt as if a stone was dropped onto his stomach.
Trucy was crouching on the ground, and her sobs softly filled the air.
“I’m sorry,” Trucy said hurriedly, her hands hastily wiping out the tears that were let loose on her plump cheeks. “I didn’t mean to cry. But I can’t stop it.”
“Trucy, Darling,” Miles closed the door and leveled down to Trucy, yet the young girl quickly jolted her head away as she avoided his eyes. “Did you happen to listen to everything I was talking with Phoenix just now?”
Trucy tried to hold in her hiccups, but the uncontrollable sobs continued. “Uncle Miles, I didn’t know I was worrying Daddy that much. I tried to smile, because Daddy always seemed sad sometimes, but it turns out it didn’t help him at all. It burdened him instead. That was the first time I heard Daddy being this sad, and it makes me sad, too.”
Trucy’s nose is red, and her face is scrunched up with sadness, guilt, and helplessness –and Miles’ heart breaks once again.
“It is okay, Trucy. You love and care for each other so much, but sometimes, life… Is just a little hard. And Phoenix’s sadness was because he thought so much of you –was it not?”
Trucy clutched onto Miles’ sleeve, and Miles softly rubbed Trucy’s small hands.
“Trucy, you love Phoenix, don’t you?”
The young girl nodded vigorously. “Of course! He’s my Daddy, and I really love him!”
“Then I suggest you give him the biggest hug you can right now, because he needs it,” Miles said. “And tell her just how much you love him.”
Trucy’s sobs slowly quiet down. “Okay.”
She opened the apartment door, put her backpack neatly near the entrance, and quickly ran to Phoenix’s room. She burst into the room without knocking, which surprised the former attorney sitting on his untidied bed. Phoenix was startled upon noticing Trucy’s eyes, wet and red as she was still huffing from her sobs.
“Trucy–”
“Stupid Daddy!” Trucy said out loud as she crashed onto Phoenix, her tears seeping into Phoenix’s hoodie. “Trucy loves you so much, and will never hope for things to change. Trucy loves you the way you are, Daddy. And Trucy will always do.”
Phoenix bit his lips as he hugged his daughter tightly, and Miles, who had been watching from the doorway, closed the door quietly to give them some privacy. The Wrights have been undergoing a tough time ever since Phoenix’s disbarment –Miles had picked up bits of the story from Phoenix’s phone calls, like how the bills were piling and that sometimes Phoenix had difficulty providing a proper meal for Trucy. Yet their love and bond are the tightest and unbreakable –and this bond itself was precisely why Miles believed they would be okay. Because together, they can, and will overcome all these things.
Miles returned to the living room and decided to help clean out a little. A mere ten minutes had just passed when he heard faint footsteps approaching him. Phoenix popped into the living room alone, with Trucy nowhere in sight.
When Miles raised one of his eyebrows, Phoenix just shrugged.
“She fell asleep out of exhaustion,” Phoenix remarked. “She doesn’t usually cry, you know.”
“I do know,” Miles replied. “She is one of the most mature children I have gotten the chance to encounter.”
Phoenix gave him a thin smile. “Edgew– Miles, I’m just… I want to apologize for my outburst and for saying all that stuff. You know, sometimes, I am aware that… What was inside my head –all those thoughts –were actually wrong, and that maybe Trucy does not want to leave me, and that you don’t see me as an utter disappointment, but sometimes, whenever I see myself in the mirror, I get sucked in again. Whenever I overthink stuff, and when I just think about… you, too, I guess, it’s just hard to pull myself back. I still need some time to learn, but… Yeah. Thank you for today.”
Miles replied with a soft smile as well. “Like I said, I will do anything for you, Phoenix .”
Phoenix gave a crooked smile. “You know, don’t you think that sounds kinda cheesy? Now that I think about it?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“So you do know,” Phoenix said. “Huh.”
“Be quiet, Wright, or I will throw this paper at you right now.”
Phoenix laughed, and it sent butterflies to Miles’ stomach and warmth because god knows how long Miles had wanted to let Phoenix’s beautiful ring again in his ears. “All right, all right. I’ll help with the cleaning, too.”
They went into a comfortable silence until Phoenix once again called out Miles’ name. Miles whirled his head to Phoenix, and he was met with a smile that was still masking pain, regret, and guilt, yet it wasn’t as burdening as before, and Phoenix was much lighter.
“Thank you,” Phoenix said.
Miles smiled.
“Anytime.”