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Darry's eyes shot open and he jerked upright, breathing heavily. His vision blurred with silent tears even as he scanned the room, searching for… he wasn't sure.
The familiar surroundings settled him slightly, but he stayed where he was for a moment, trembling, almost subconsciously listening for floorboards creaking outside his bedroom door.
He knew his brothers couldn't hear him. They never did. Whereas Ponyboy's nightmares caused him to scream and thrash, Darry was quieter. He awoke with tears streaming down his cheeks, but he didn't sob aloud. He shook uncontrollably in fear, but didn't flail and kick. He woke up breathing heavily, not shouting in terror.
So, no, he wasn't worried about footsteps outside his room and he was relieved his brothers wouldn't see him like this, crying and shaking, chest heaving as he tried to draw in enough air so he didn't feel like he was going to pass out. Although a small part of him hoped he would. Maybe passing out would give him the dreamless rest he craved.
Because the worst thing about his nightmares were that they weren't just nightmares. They were memories. The images burned into his brain of his parents' lifeless corpses he'd to identify. The sight of Johnny lying in that hospital bed. The vision of Dally's body being spun around at the force of the bullets fired into him.
And all of those things were his fault.
It was his birthday that killed his parents. It was his temper that killed Johnny and Dally.
Murderer, a tiny voice in his mind whispered.
Darry almost gasped aloud as the thought buzzed in his head, raising a hand to his mouth as he choked down sobs.
He threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. It was dark, the clock beside his bed reading 2 am. It was going to be another long night.
He moved slowly down the hallway, partly to keep his footsteps silent and partly because he was trying to get his breathing in check before he neared his brothers' bedroom door. He didn't want to wake them.
He had this down to a fine art, knew exactly where to tread on their bedroom floor so that the boards didn't creak beneath his weight. He edged into the room, making his way to the foot of the bed. He settled down on the floor, legs stretched out in front of him, and focused his gaze on the blank wall ahead of him.
Behind him, he could clearly hear the soft sounds of his kid brothers breathing, alive and well. He concentrated, trying to match the slow rhythm, trying to bring his own breathing and pounding heart under control.
Some nights, it worked. Some nights… it didn't.
The dream danced in his mind's eye, flashing and swirling, images blending together. Choked sobs made their way out his throat and he tried to muffle them, drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his face against his legs as he hugged them to himself. He sat there, trembling, trying not to think, even as imagined accusations echoed in his head and tears leaked from his eyes.
"Darry?"
He nearly jumped out his skin at the voice and the hand that dropped on to his shoulder. Startled, he looked up, wildly searching for the source. Soda had crawled to the bottom of the bed and was now staring at him in concern.
Darry turned his teary face away, embarrassed, and he heard his brother get off the bed and crouch down next to him. Hands cupped his face, thumbs wiping away the wetness from his cheeks as Soda moved him to meet their eyes.
"What's wrong?" Soda asked as calmly as he could, but Darry detected the hint of panic in his tone. "Darry?"
The oldest Curtis sniffled and, as his brother wouldn't let him turn away, simply gazed at a spot on Soda's chest. He knew any lie he came up with to try and explain this would have to be bad enough to be believable, meaning it would worry Soda anyway. So he opted for the truth.
"I had a nightmare."
Sodapop let out a breath, sounding almost relieved. Darry didn't blame him. With the way their luck ran, for all Soda knew, Darry could be here blubbering like a baby because something had happened to one of the gang.
The next moment though, the middle Curtis was wrapping his arms around his brother, pulling Darry against his chest and resting his chin on top of the roofer's head.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Darry shook his head immediately and Soda sighed.
"Why are you here on the floor?"
The eldest greaser just shrugged and sniffed, wiping his sleeve over his face. Soda sighed once more and stood up, catching hold of his brother's upper arm.
"Come on, get up."
Wordlessly, Darry did as requested and Soda ushered him to the bed, climbing in and dragging the other greaser under the covers with him. It was a tight fit, especially with Ponyboy starfished on the other half, but they huddled close together and Soda grimaced as Darry's foot brushed his own.
"Jeez, Dar, you're cold. How long you been outta bed?"
"Not long. Only since about 2."
There was a sudden silence.
"Darry. It's nearly 6 am."
Darry froze. Shit. Had he really been spaced out that long?
"Err. Right. I meant 5 am. That's all. Since 5."
A hand caught his chin and tilted his face until Soda's eyes were boring into his own, and he knew he looked guilty as hell.
"Darry, what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Don't bullshit me."
Darry found himself letting out a quiet sigh and he pressed his face into Soda's shoulder, feeling like a child being scolded. Something in this behaviour had Soda changing tactics and he raised a hand to the back of his brother's head, cradling him gently.
"Was it that bad?" the blond asked carefully. "Do you remember it? The nightmare, I mean?"
"Yes," came the muffled response. "I always remember."
"Always? You've had it before?"
"All the time."
Soda pulled back slightly, looking at him in concern.
"You have nightmares just like Pony? Why haven't you… How comes you never said? I woulda tried to help, you know that, right?"
"Pony needed you more."
Soda growled in frustration.
"Darry, you're exhausted. You've been exhausted for weeks, and now I finally get why." He paused for a moment. "How often do you end up sitting in our room, staring at the wall?"
Darry rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Soda poked him firmly in the chest.
"Darry. How. Often?"
"I dunno. Two or three times a week?"
His brother just stared at him, stunned.
"Are you serious? You're in here that much?"
"You… You know how sometimes when Pony has a nightmare and you jump when I appear by the bed? You joked once about how can I be that silent at 2am but tramp around the house like an elephant the rest of the time." Darry sent him a guilty look. "That's 'cause I'm usually already in here."
Soda gazed at him and Darry almost flinched away at the steely look he was receiving. He did actually jump when his brother reached out and caught his arm.
"You ain't doing that no more." Darry blinked in shock and Soda glared some more. "You hear me, Dar? Don't you dare."
The roofer swallowed hard and lowered his eyes to the bedspread.
"O…okay. Sorry, Soda. I won't sneak into your room – "
"Jeez, Darry!" Soda suddenly snapped, then winced as Ponyboy stirred beside them. Lowering his voice, he whispered: "You can be real dumb sometimes, you know?"
The oldest Curtis looked back at him, confused and a tiny bit hurt.
"I meant – " Soda emphasised. "I meant, don't you dare just sit on the damn floor all freakin' night. If you have a nightmare and need to come in here, I've got no problem with that. But you come in here, and you damn well get ya ass in this bed, you dig? I don't care if you wake me up. I'll happily budge over and make room for you."
"I can't keep waking you up every time, especially with how little sleep you sometimes get because of Pony's nightmares. It's not fair for you to have to look out for both of us. Pony needs you more."
"Your nightmares aren't any less of a concern," Soda told him firmly. "You're both equally important. You know that, yeah? I have no problem with Pony waking me up so I can calm him down and get him back to sleep. That's why I moved in here with him, right? And I have no problem if you need some comforting too. You're allowed that. You deserve that."
Darry blinked hard, suddenly overwhelmed, tears beginning to prick at his eyes. Soda easily picked up on his distress and instantly wrapped him up in his arms.
"You dig?" he asked quietly by his ear.
He felt Darry nod against his shoulder.
"Good."
Then he dragged the blankets up over them both, still holding his brother close.
"Then go to sleep."
* * *
"Why were you in our bed this morning?" Ponyboy asked suddenly at breakfast the next day.
Darry froze for a moment, Soda looking over at him with a raised eyebrow, and the roofer lowered his eyes down to his plate of eggs.
"I had a nightmare," he admitted.
"Oh." His kid brother somehow sounded both surprised and understanding in that same monosyllable. "Do… do you remember it?"
"…Yes."
"Oh. Are you okay now?"
Darry finally met his eyes to send him a soft smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, Pone, I'm okay."
Some obnoxious honking came from outside and Pony winced.
"I guess that's Two-Bit not wanting to get out his car in the rain. I'll see you guys at dinner, I need to go to the library after school to work on a project."
Darry couldn't remember if Ponyboy had already told him he'd be home late today, but he couldn't really deny the kid doing schoolwork. Although he thought his brother probably should be doing something fun on a Friday night, rather than spending it at a library. However, it seemed like one of those topics that would somehow develop into some kind of disagreement if he voiced his thoughts and he really didn't have the energy to do that right now. His youngest brother grabbed his backpack, sent a quick wave over his shoulder, then hurried out the door.
The table was silent for a few moments, Darry gazing at the wall, and Sodapop alternating between eating his bacon and studying his older brother.
"I was thinking," Soda started. "That maybe we should look at getting you some sleeping pills. So you can – "
"No!"
The sharp tone and scared look in his eyes had Soda reaching for him instantly.
"Okay, okay. Why not?"
Darry swallowed hard.
"I – I tried pills once. When we first tried them with Pony. We had them just sitting there and I was so goddamn tired, I just…"
"And? They didn't work?"
Soda swears he sees Darry shudder.
"They worked. Too well. I fell asleep but then the nightmares came and I – I couldn't wake up. I normally wake up. But this time I was trapped and I couldn't get away and I – "
"Shh," his brother soothed, rubbing his arm. "It's okay, we won't do that then. You'll just have to sleep in with us for the next few nights."
Darry looked at him, stunned.
"No, Soda – "
"You're sharing with us," Soda repeated firmly. "You can try and go to sleep in your own room if you like, but I'm following you in there and you know Pony will follow me. Either way, the three of us will be sleeping all together."
"I don't needa be babysat."
"That's not what this is," the blond sighed. "Will you quit being so stubborn for once? We just want to help." He softened his gaze slightly as he looked his big brother in the eye. "You need some decent rest, Dar. And Pony's nightmares are less frequent since I moved in with him. If you coming into our room after a nightmare calms you down, then maybe us being there will help prevent it in the first place."
Darry just sighed.
"Seems I don't have a choice."
Darry had no intention of following through with Soda's plan. He was embarrassed by the idea that he needed his baby brothers' company in order to sleep through the night. Darry spent most of his day trying to figure out how to avoid the situation. Luckily Soda was working a late shift at the DX, and Ponyboy called from the library later on to beg to stay a couple more hours as he really needed to do some more work on his project. After confirming that Soda would pick the kid up on his way home, Darry cooked and ate a quick dinner, leaving leftovers on the stove for his brothers. Then he headed to bed, barely able to keep his eyes open.
* * *
When Darry woke up, he was momentarily blinded the brightness of the room. Wait, was it morning? Did he actually sleep the whole night through?
He was lying on his back, head resting against something that definitely wasn't his pillow. He raised his head, bewildered, then abruptly realised he couldn’t move far. He was penned in by a sleeping kid brother either side of him.
Well, truthfully, Ponyboy was sprawled across half the bed and Darry figured his head must have been on the younger's stomach, as the young teen was basically underneath him.
Soda was on his other side, rolled on to his stomach with an arm and leg flung so far over Darry that the blond was practically laying on top of him.
He felt movement on his shoulder as Soda raised his head to squint at the clock, then the blond lay his head back down.
"Its 7am on a Saturday, Dar," came the mumbled whisper, hot breath against his neck. "Stop fidgeting and go back to sleep."
"But – "
"You ain’t got work today. Called your boss yesterday, got you the day off."
"Soda – "
"You're exhausted, Darry. You need rest. So quit talking. And. Go. To. Sleep."
"But – "
A small hand found its way across his mouth.
"He told you to stop talking," Ponyboy mumbled, using his grip on his brother to pull Darry's head back to lay against him once more.
Darry shook his head to try and dislodge him, earning a small chuckle from Soda. The oldest Curtis reached his hand up to try and grab Pony's wrist to pry him away. Instead Soda caught Darry's own wrist with both his hands, pinning it down against the mattress. Darry's other arm was down by his side, trapped under Soda's body, which was still partially on top of him. He writhed for a moment, trying to get some semblance of freedom, but his brothers just giggled at him until he gave up. They obviously took his frustrated groan as a sign of defeat, as they both then finally released him.
The hand that had been on his jaw shifted upwards and Darry let out a small sigh of contentment as Pony's fingers began running gently through his hair. He felt his eyes slip closed.
Fine. If it mattered that much to them, he would sleep.