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Pain. That was all Daisuke knew. An absolutely overwhelming pain that came from his abdomen. The jagged edges of the vent had cut him up so deep, it felt like his intensives were about to fall out of his stomach. Swansea and Jimmy’s voices argued in the background, but they sounded faint and muddled. Not quite real.
Why did Daisuke have to go into that vent? Swansea had told him time and time again that it was too dangerous. But Jimmy’s honeyed words of making Swansea proud were too tempting. Even so, it was all for nothing. After he crawled himself out of the vent, one hand holding his guts together and the other pulling himself up, Daisuke realized that. He was too late. He failed. Daisuke had always failed. And the one time it truly mattered, he managed to screw everything up in the worst way possible.
Swansea’s voice was still blurry. It sounded like he was underwater. But Daisuke was the one who was underwater. He was drowning, drowning in a sea of his own blood. And it was all his fault. Daisuke could still barely understand what Swansea was saying, though.
“Close your eyes, Daisuke.” And do Daisuke did.
He wanted to see his parents again.
Death felt warm, like a thick blanket thrown over him. Daisuke floated in that endless warmth and darkness. It was nice. He had never been a religious person, so this was honestly better than anything Daisuke could have hoped for. If he spent eternity swimming in the black, that would be just fine.
Daisuke heard a strange noise. It sounded like a harsh thump. It started off slow, but the sound slowly grew faster and more desperate. Then, inexplicably, Swansea’s voice rang out. “Daisuke, what the hell are you doing still sleeping?! Get your ass up or I’m dragging you out of bed!”
His eyes shot open. Daisuke quickly took in his surroundings. He was…back in his room? This had been blocked off by foam ever since the crash. And Daisuke still remembered the agony of Swansea’s axe being slammed into his face. Was the afterlife real after all? Or maybe this was a death-induced hallucination. Like when people say their life flashed before their eyes during a near death experience. Yeah, that made sense. This wasn’t real, because there was no way it could be. Daisuke was dead.
But…if it was a hallucination, how come everything felt so real? Daisuke’s fingertips and palms clenched around his bed’s soft blanket as he brought it closer to him. He looked around the room again, taking in every minute detail. And of course, there was Swansea’s voice. Although it had sounded muffled through the door, it still seemed so realistic. No…all of that didn’t mean anything. It was probably just a super authentic hallucination, or something. Daisuke could deal with that. He could see Anya again, not covered in her own spit up blood. Curly, not horribly burnt and mangled. Swansea, without that terribly exhausted and sad look on his face. Jimmy…well, the less said about that man, the better. Daisuke didn’t fully blame Jimmy for his death, that was mostly Daisuke’s fault. But still, without Jimmy’s encouragement, he never would have gotten into the vent. So he really didn’t want to see Jimmy right now.
“We have things to do today, Daisuke! I’m not kidding about coming in.” Oh, Swansea…Daisuke wanted to cry right there and then. Although it sometimes felt like Swansea hated him, Daisuke knew that couldn’t be true. Ever since the crash, Swansea had been so caring towards Daisuke. He almost felt like a father figure. That was why Daisuke knew Swansea wasn’t saving the cryostatis pod for himself. No. That pod was always meant for Daisuke.
He somehow found the strength to get up and walk towards the door. Daisuke gripped the handle that still felt too strangely real, and opened it. Upon seeing Swansea, he couldn’t hold his tears in any longer. The warm, salty water started falling down his face. First only a little bit, but soon Daisuke was sobbing.
“Woah, kid. What the hell’s wrong with you?” Daisuke didn’t respond. He was crying so hard that he couldn’t. He simply just hugged Swansea. At first, Swansea just stood there in shock. But eventually, he returned Daisuke’s embrace. They stayed like that for a while, before Daisuke finally got the crying under control and pushed himself away.
“I’m sorry…” He muttered. Swansea simply stared at him. They really didn’t know what to say.
“You’re clearly…” Swansea paused, thinking of a response. “Not in your best mind today. I’ll fix the screen by myself.” And then he walked off to do maintenance, leaving Daisuke standing there all by himself. Daisuke mindlessly walked backwards, and fell onto his bed. He stayed there for a long time, just hugging his pillow and thinking. But eventually, Daisuke drifted off.
He didn’t know how long it had been since he had fallen asleep. But Daisuke did know he should probably get up now, and at least see the others before the hallucination ended. He glanced at the digital clock on his small nightstand, and did a double take. It was…it was the day of the crash. Wow. If there was a God out there, He was cruel for forcing Daisuke to go through this nightmare again. But maybe he could stop the crash. That could let him have just a bit more time with the others before everything went to shit. And this point, Daisuke didn’t even care if everything was completely fake. He would do anything to live through the monotony of life on the ship before the crash again.
With his mind made up, Daisuke got out of bed and left his room. At first he was walking towards the cockpit, but soon Daisuke started running as fast as his legs could take him. He passed a very confused Anya, but he didn’t care at this point. He just needed to have a chance.
Then, just as Daisuke was getting close, the emergency sirens started blaring. He began sprinting faster than he thought possible, not even noticing Jimmy outside of the cockpit doors in his mad dash. It was so loud in here. The captain was standing in front of the controls, almost looking like he was trying to stop the crash. But that didn’t make sense, since Curly was the one who caused it in the first place. Frantic, Daisuke pushed Curly out of the way and grabbed onto the wheel.
“Daisuke, get out of here! It’s not safe!” He could vaguely hear Curly yelling in the background. But Daisuke ignored the captain, and yanked the wheel as far to the left as he could. It made no difference. Daisuke screeched in agony as the skin melted off his bones and he was entombed in a wall of foam. Even as his vocal cords were damaged beyond repair, he attempted to yell, hoping it would just end. Then, once again, he knew nothing.
When Daisuke woke up, he was still screaming. He screamed until his throat became raw, even to the point of coughing up blood. Daisuke barely even noticed when Swansea picked him up and started carrying him to the medical room. He was just replaying the moment of the crash over and over again in his mind. In some ways, that absolute nightmare felt even worse than his first death. Daisuke knew now that he was in Hell. What he did to deserve to be there, he didn’t. But there was no doubt in Daisuke’s mind that this was his eternal torment. Living through the crash, over and over and over again.
“Daisuke…what’s wrong?” Anya’s voice snapped him out of his stupor. Daisuke tried to respond. To say something, anything. But all he managed to cough up was blood. “Hey, don’t try to talk. Your vocal chords are too injured right now. You really hurt them with all that screaming.” He gave a weak thumbs up to signal that he understood, and Anya smiled in return. She was such a blessing, honestly. Daisuke never truly appreciated how she helped keep the whole crew together. The only time he did was after she was already gone.
Anya stayed next to him for a few hours, making sure he was comfortable while he recovered. Daisuke eventually had the strength to talk a bit, so he and Anya started talking about silly things like their favorite movies or what month they like the most. It brought a smile to Daisuke’s face to just be able to chat like this. After the crash, there was always too much tension to really enjoy conversing with each other. It just felt awkward. So he missed this. Honestly, if this was Hell, Anya was the guardian angel.
“Hey Daisuke, does your room have a lock?” His reminiscing was brought to a halt when Anya said that.
“H-huh?” He managed to weakly get out. What did she mean by that?
“Nothing. I was just wondering.” She acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but something about that question just struck Daisuke as so off. He was about to ask if something had happened, when the sirens signaling the crash started to go off. Shit. Had they really been talking for that long? Daisuke immediately stood up, trying to make it to the cockpit in time. But it was too late. The ship crashed once again.
And it all played out the exact same.
This time, when Daisuke woke up, he had a plan. At this point, it was clear that time is repeating. Whether it was Hell or if he actually travelled to the past somehow didn’t matter. He still wanted to stop the crash. And, after last cycle, find out what Anya meant about the locks in the cabins. But, of course, stopping Curly takes priority.
“Daisuke, what the hell are you doing still sleeping?! Get your ass up or I’m dragging you out of bed!” There was Swansea again. He stood up and opened the door.
“Sorry Swansea! I guess my alarm broke or something.” He said cheerfully, pretending that nothing was wrong.
“Well, as my intern, you should be able to fix a damn alarm clock! Anyways, we have things to do today. Tulpar’s getting older and more dilapidated every day. Honestly, it’ll be a miracle if she doesn’t fall apart by the end of the trip.” Swansea shook his head in annoyance.
“It’ll be fixed by tomorrow! Hopefully.” Daisuke grinned. “So, where are we working today?”
“The stupid screen in the lounge is glitching. Come on.” And so Daisuke followed. It didn’t take long to fix the screen, although Swansea did most of the work. Daisuke tried his best, but he was honestly still hopeless when it came to fixing stuff. He was learning though! Maybe by the end of the trip he’d be better. Well, if he actually managed to stop the crash. Speaking of that, he needed to go distract Curly. But he couldn’t stop himself from watching the screen, currently showing daytime. Later, it would become sunset, and then night. Daisuke had actually never noticed this before, but there was a dead pixel in the upper right. Weird. He’d never be able to get that out of his mind now.
Eventually, he tore himself away from the lounge screen. Swansea was long gone by then, probably off doing some more repairs he didn’t trust Daisuke to help with. That didn’t matter though, what mattered was talking to and distracting the captain. Daisuke didn’t totally understand how to pilot the ship, but if he remembered correctly, the captain can override the autopilot. And if autopilot steered Tulpar away from the asteroid, the crash wouldn’t happen. There probably wasn’t much time left now, so Daisuke had to hurry. He ran to right outside the cockpit, only to see Jimmy and Curly talking. Jimmy walked away, into the cockpit. Strange. But he had to ignore it.
“Hey, captain!” Daisuke waved at Curly, and he turned to look at Daisuke.
“What are you doing here, Daisuke?” Curly asked. He sounded very tired.
Daisuke suddenly realized he didn’t know what to say to Curly, but quickly came up with something. “Swansea’s trying to do some repairs in utility, but he needs the captain’s permission. So he told me to come find you.” He lied smoothly.
“Alright, I’ll be there in a second.” Curly sighed and started walking. Daisuke followed him, distracting the captain with a bit of small talk. Oh gosh, he was probably going to be so mad when he realized Daisuke was lying. He really should have thought that one through more. Eh, it was okay. At least Daisuke had prevented the crash. That was all the mattered. He could deal with the fallout. And the further away they got from the cockpit, he started feeling more and more relieved. This nightmare was finally over. But then, the emergency sirens started going off again. Daisuke turned pale. Curly started running towards the cockpit, but it was already far too late.
This time, when the ship crashed, they had five mouths to feed. Their food supply didn’t last nearly as long. Starvation was quite an unpleasant way to go.
When Daisuke woke up in bed for what felt like the millionth time, Swansea knocking at his door again, he was extremely confused. Curly wasn’t in the cockpit when the crash happened. That means there was no way he could have caused the ship to impact with the asteroid. And yet it still happened. Maybe the autopilot malfunctioned. Which meant instead of Curly crashing the ship, he was trying to save it. That was the only explanation. It fit way more with what Daisuke knew about Curly than him causing the crash did. So Daisuke just needed to get to the cockpit early to steer the ship out of the way, and everything would be okay.
So Daisuke answered the door, he helped fix the screen, and he lied to Curly about Swansea needing help. But this time, he didn’t follow. Instead, he walked into the cockpit. Inside, he was met with a bunch of warnings…and Jimmy. Oh, right. Daisuke has seen Jimmy going inside there. But why wasn’t he steering out of the way, and what was he doing with that key?
“Jimmy, what’s that key for?” Daisuke questioned, genuinely curious. Jimmy was so shocked that he dropped the key on the ground, and quickly turned to look at him.
“Get out of here, Daisuke. You shouldn’t be in here.” Jimmy seemed annoyed, and a bit nervous. It was probably because of the warnings, though.
“Sorry, I just heard the warnings and had to come. Shouldn’t you be making sure the autopilot actually works? If the ship crashed that would be really bad!” Now Daisuke was starting to become a bit worried.
“I said you should get out of here.” Daisuke instinctively took a step back. The way Jimmy had said that…it was so dark. But then he stepped forward again, in front of Jimmy.
“I really think you should probably-“ Daisuke was cut off when Jimmy’s hands reached around his throat, and started to squeeze. He desperately coughed and tried to get some air in, but Jimmy’s grip was just too tight. Although Daisuke was losing strength fast, he tried to pry Jimmy’s hands off his neck. His fingernails desperately scratched at Jimmy’s hands, so much so that he was drawing blood. But still, Jimmy wouldn’t let go. As Daisuke’s vision started to go dark, Jimmy finally let go, throwing him onto the floor. And then, like nothing had happened, he went and picked the key up the floor, and inserted it into the control panel. As Daisuke lay there, dying once again, he realized something horrible.
Jimmy caused the crash.
After he woke up, Daisuke just stayed there, laying in bed. He felt numb. All those months on the ship with him, all those loops, and he never would have suspected anything. But now, knowing the truth, it all fit. The only person who had ever said that Curly caused the crash was Jimmy. But Curly had been perfectly fine before the crash. There was nothing to indicate he would do such a thing. Meanwhile, Jimmy had just gotten the news that he would be let go, and he didn’t take it well. Daisuke had seen his reaction. Then, adding to all of it, Jimmy went and declared himself the captain and led the rest of the crew to their deaths. Daisuke felt like the world’s biggest idiot for not guessing this sooner. Hindsight is 20/20, after all. But luckily, he could actually do something about it now. Time seemed to keep repeating every time Daisuke dies, so he really has infinite chances to get it right and fix everything.
This cycle though, Daisuke doesn’t really want to do anything. He can still practically feel Jimmy’s hands on his throat. Somehow, that seemed worse than anything of his other deaths. Because it was targeted. He was murdered. Murdered! Daisuke couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer insanity and hopelessness of his situation. He was still cackling when Swansea opened the door and barged in on him. He went through the motions and helped Swansea out, still laughing, although now it was only on the inside.
Daisuke doesn’t even try to stop the ship’s crash. He doesn’t feel like he could, anyways. Even looking at Jimmy seemed absolutely unimaginable. And so after the crash, he avoided Jimmy whenever possible. Instead, he stayed in the medical room most of the time. Knowing now that Curly was innocent just made Daisuke feel even worse about his state. So whenever he didn’t have to help Swansea, Daisuke stayed with Curly, talking with him and trying to help him feel better. He thought Curly appreciated that. Anya certainly did. She was glad Daisuke helped out so much. And because of that, the two became closer than they ever were before.
One day, Daisuke was sitting with Anya in front of the screen. “Hey, Anya.”
“Hm? What is it, Daisuke?” She replied.
“Have you ever noticed that one of the pixels in the top right of the screen is dead? Just like, completely turned off.” After Daisuke said that, Anya froze.
“Yeah, I have. That dead pixel is always in the back of my mind, actually.” Then they just sit in awkward silence for a while, nobody really knowing what to say. Before Anya finally spoke up. “Hey…so your room doesn’t have a lock, right?”
“No. It doesn’t. I think only the cockpit and medical bay do.” Finally, that conversation from so long ago was back, but in another form.
“Oh. Okay. I really wish Pony Express had put locks on all the rooms, though.” Anya moved her hands around nervously.
Daisuke started to realize where this was going. “Anya, are you okay?” He asked.
“I’m pregnant.” At that, Daisuke’s blood turned cold. No. She couldn’t mean…
“Who?”
“J-Jimmy.”
No other words were spoken after that. There weren’t any other words that could be said, anyways. That loop, after Anya locked herself in the medical room, Daisuke went into the vent. But this time, he did it all by himself. No encouragement needed.
Daisuke doesn’t think he’s ever been so upset in his life. Jimmy was seriously the worst fucking person to ever exist. Daisuke can’t even imagine how somebody would do such a thing. He immediately jumped out of bed. And before Swansea could even get a word in, he slammed the door open and ran to the utility room. Swansea had never put the axe back after removing Daisuke from the foam. It was still on a work bench, just itching to be used. And, well, Daisuke was about to make good use of it. Jimmy would know how much it hurt to be hit in the face with an axe. And arms, and chest, and legs. Really anything Daisuke could hit. He had never been a violent person before, but this certainly called for some bloodshed. Jimmy wouldn’t go unpunished for his disgusting deeds. Daisuke would make sure of that.
The axe fit comfortably into his hands, as he walked through the hallways of the ship, searching for Anya’s rapist. The first place he searched was Jimmy’s quarters. The man sat there, reading a book, acting like nothing had ever happened. Like he hadn’t made Anya go through that. It made Daisuke’s blood boil. He knocked on the door with his free hand.
“Hey Jimmy, can you come out for a second? The captain needs you.” Daisuke lied. He had been doing a lot of that lately.
“Oh yeah, sure.” Even hearing Jimmy’s voice made Daisuke angry. But Jimmy soon opened the door, and he struck. Daisuke drove the axe into Jimmy’s stupid chest. He started screaming and quickly fell to the ground, but Daisuke just kept going. He hacked away at Jimmy’s legs, his arms, his chest, his stomach. Blood spurted all over the floors, all over the walls, even the ceiling. Daisuke was getting covered in a large portion of it as well. But that didn’t bother him. He kept cutting and cutting, even as Jimmy’s cries grew weaker. Finally, with all his strength, Daisuke drove the axe into Jimmy’s head and left it there. Now the monster was finally dead. Daisuke had done it. He had prevented the crash, took revenge for Anya, and ended the loop. He could be free. They all could. Daisuke didn’t notice the footsteps behind him.
“Daisuke…what the fuck did you do.” Daisuke jumped around at Curly’s voice. He was about to explain, when the captain cut him off. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!” He screamed.
“I-I fixed it! I fixed everything! It’ll all be okay now-“ Daisuke started.
“You…” Curly looked down at Jimmy’s dead body. “You killed him. Why would you kill him?” He seemed to not be able to find any words.
“Don’t worry!” Daisuke smiled. “I stopped him. I stopped the monster.”
“D-Daisuke…?” He heard a weak voice from the other end of the hallway.
“Oh, hi Swansea!” Blood dripped off his arm and onto the floor as Daisuke started waving.
Swansea simply sputtered for a while, before finally finding what to say. “I think…I think you need to go into a cryostatis pod for a while, kid.” He walked closer, trapping Daisuke between the two men.
Daisuke is about to respond to that, when he’s suddenly grabbed by Curly. “Hey! Let me go!”
Curly started to drag him back towards the utility room. But Daisuke punched the captain and managed to free himself. He ran and ran into the medical room, with both Curly and Swansea close behind him. He quickly locked the door. He was trapped. And so, Daisuke once again entered the vent. This time, he didn’t make it out.
The ship crashed. Months passed. Daisuke died.
He saved Curly. The ship still crashed. Months passed. Daisuke died.
He didn’t save Curly. The ship crashed. Months passed. Daisuke died.
He tried to stop Jimmy. The ship crashed. Daisuke died.
He attempted to save Curly. He failed. The ship crashed. Daisuke died.
He killed Jimmy. He locked himself in the med room. Daisuke died.
He stopped Jimmy. It was still too late. The ship crashed. Daisuke died.
Daisuke died.
Daisuke died.
Daisuke died.
Daisuke fucking died.
Sometimes it was the vent. Sometimes it was the axe. Sometimes it was the gun. Sometimes it was the crash. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.
No matter what he did, in the end it didn’t matter. Nothing ever mattered. If he saved Curly, he died. If he didn’t he died. If he stopped Jimmy, he died. If he didn’t, he died. If he helped Swansea, he died. If he didn’t, he died. If he talked with Anya, he died. If he didn’t, he died. Not one choice or path had managed to save everybody. Even if the ship didn’t crash, Daisuke was still doomed. And when he died, he woke back up on the day of the crash, Swansea screaming at him to get up. How many loops had it been now? He didn’t know and didn’t want to know. Daisuke was convinced that he’d be stuck in this infernal loop until the end of time, when space literally tore itself apart. He would be the only person remaining, having long since gone insane. Daisuke couldn’t take it anymore.
Daisuke laid in bed, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars he put on the ceiling when the journey had first started. That had been so long ago now. Back before the first crash, he had been counting down the days until he got home and would be able to see his parents again. Even through his first few loops, he tried to keep that tradition. That ended quickly. When you die so often, your perception of time really does get fucked up.
“Daisuke, what the hell are you doing still sleeping?! Get your ass up or I’m dragging you out of bed!” Ah, there was Swansea again. Daisuke always woke up to that sentence. He had memorized the exact words and intonations a million times over by now. Daisuke didn’t bother answering. It didn’t really make a different if he answered or not. Swansea would still come in anyways. Sometimes Daisuke would have to work, sometimes he wouldn’t. It changed nothing.
Yep, there Swansea went opening his door. Anya was right, Pony Express really was disgustingly cheap for not putting locks on their doors. And look what happened because of that. Daisuke had actually been excited to go into the work force, but the horrible working conditions on the Tulpar squashed that pretty quickly. Even before the looping started.
“Kid, are you seriously just lying in bed staring off into space?! Get up!” Daisuke didn’t give that a response. There was no point. Maybe this loop he would be lazy and just do nothing at all. That might be nice. He had certainly deserved a break from everything. “Hey, kid, do you even hear me?” Yeah, Daisuke did. He just didn’t care. It was hard to care about anything anymore.
“Ugh…let me sleep.” He did feel quite tired. Not psychically, but mentally. The human brain isn’t prepared to die, let alone dying dozens upon dozens of times. He always felt exhausted, now. Just once, he wanted to be able to sleep for as long as possible. Maybe even the whole cycle. He definitely felt like he could.
“Ah shit, are you sick? You sound sick.” Daisuke just blankly stared up at Swansea, who was now leaning above him. “Let me go get Anya…”
He tried to fall asleep again, but before he could, Swansea came back with Anya. She was holding a thermometer. “Hi, Daisuke. Can I check your temperature real quick? I need to see if you’re sick.” She smiled at him, and Daisuke would be damned if that smile didn’t make him so sad. He had seen that same, kind face covered in blood too many times to count. Anya dying was one of those things that happened in everything loop, one of those things that Daisuke couldn’t stop.
“Anya…” She perked up, listening to him. “I can’t stop thinking about the dead pixel.”
Anya recoiled back, extremely confused. “What?”
“The dead pixel on the screen, in the top right corner. It’s constantly in the back of my mind. Have you noticed it before?”
“I have, but what is this about?”
“I know what Jimmy did.” At those words, Anya froze.
“Y-you…” Daisuke cut her off.
“It’s okay. I know what he did, and I want him to be punished. Can you help me?”
Anya was speechless. She clearly had no clue how Daisuke had found out, but that was okay. There was no way she could know. None of the others ever remembered the loops, only Daisuke. And wasn’t that a special kind of torment.
“Y-yes. What…what do you want to do?” She finally pushed out.
“The cryostatis pods in the utility room. If we can force him into one, maybe he can be brought to justice when we make it to Earth.” Daisuke smiled.
And so they walked together towards the cockpit, Daisuke holding Anya’s hand to support her. His other hand was gripping the axe. Once again, Curly and Jimmy were talking in front of the cockpit’s doors. Daisuke had seen this a million times, and it almost always led to the crash. But maybe this time would be different.
Daisuke gracefully slid the axe under Jimmy’s neck, only drawing a single drop of blood. “Jimmy. It’s time for you to take responsibility.”
Jimmy’s eyes opened up wide, and Curly reached out to push the axe away, almost in a stupor. But Daisuke simply walked towards the utility room, forcing Jimmy along. Anya walked behind him, unsure of Daisuke’s plan. But he had never been more sure of anything in all of his life or loops.
With a shove and the press of a button, it was done. Jimmy slowly began to freeze. When he woke up, it would hopefully be in prison. Although Daisuke still thought Jimmy deserved death, it didn’t have to be at Daisuke’s hands. The execution could be by the justice system, just as long as Jimmy finally had to take some responsibility for every single one of his horrific actions.
As soon as the cryo pod had finished its job, Daisuke felt something break. And, deep inside, he knew that this Hell was over. All that pain, all that agony. Although it had felt like it didn’t mean anything, maybe it did. Because Daisuke had did it. He had stopped the crash. He had saved Anya. He had saved Curly. He had saved everybody. And, most of all, he had made Jimmy take responsibility. Daisuke was finally free. Tears stated to flow down his face. Although for once since he had gotten on the ship, it wasn’t because of sadness. He was crying tears of joy.
For the first time ever, the Tulpar completed its journey.