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Zayne wished he didn’t look forward to drifting off to sleep so much. It was hard not to look forward to though, since it was the only time he could hear your voice, or see your face. The only time he could hear you call out his name. It was his favorite sound on the planet. He had mastered the art of lucid dreaming just so he could make the most of his time with you.
His existence was a lonely one. No family, no friends, no fulfilling career like that bastard version of himself from his dreams who he was so envious of. Although he shared a face and name with the man, Zayne had nothing in common with him.
That version of himself was successful. Happy, with a beautiful and wonderful fiancé who treated him like gold. Thinking about it made Zayne want to smash the mirror before him, so instead he looked away as he finished brushing his teeth.
His existence was more than lonely. It was dreadful, he thought. Cursed. Just wake, kill, and repeat. His daily routine was plain and straightforward, it seemed that each day a new life was regretfully taken at his hands, and it never got easier.
Sometimes he thought it would be easier just to end it all, but he felt you wouldn’t want that for him. Your heart was kind, and you were so empathetic. Even though you’d never know he existed, he couldn’t let you down like that. Or at least, that's what he told himself. Still, he never wanted this, and he hated himself for the things he’d had to do throughout his lifetime.
Zayne continued avoiding the mirror as he brushed his teeth before bed. Soon, he would be with you. Or watching you with the man that looked like him. He’d hoped it was the former, but either way, he would get to escape this reality to be in one where you existed, and that was enough to get him through the next day.
As Zayne shut his bedroom lights off and crawled into bed, he felt his heart skip a beat in anticipation. What would you be up to tonight? Would you be with the surgeon again? Or, would you be waiting for him in bed, like you were a few nights ago? God, he hoped so. He couldn’t get those pretty sounds you made just for him out of his mind. He’ll never forget the way your beautiful face twisted in pleasure at his ministrations.
God, that face. It was constantly in the back of his mind. Those quiet moments he shared with you during his sleep were like a lifeline, and he pushed himself through his miserable days just to get back to you.
He’d had a particularly horrid week and needed some sort of relief. Some sort of comfort that he could only find when your body drowned out the screams of pain that tormented his mind. He craved the solace he only found when your legs were around his shoulders, hair fanned out around you on the sheets like a halo.
He laid his head back on the pillows and shut his eyes. The sleeping pills he took every night were finally starting to kick in. Steadying his breathing, he focused on the sound of the AC coming on until he finally drifted off to sleep.
***
Tonight's dream started with Zayne opening his eyes. He was lying in a bed that felt like yours, but he couldn’t tell because the room was nearly pitch black, save for the moonlight that filtered through the sheer curtains. They swayed lightly in the breeze pouring through the open window. He rolled to his side, praying that you would be there.
That's when his breath was stolen from his lungs in a quiet gasp.
There you were, facing him with your eyes closed. Your lashes rested delicately against your cheek, your beautiful skin almost radiant in the moon's gentle glow. It looked like you were completely naked, the blanket pulled down just enough so that your chest was bared to him. It rose and fell with your shallow, sleepy breaths, and to Zayne’s dismay, you shivered slightly. He felt his heart ache when he saw your hand resting on the bed next to you as if you were reaching out for someone.
As if you were reaching out for him.
Zayne loved dreams like this because he could just spend the whole time watching you. Studying your face. Listening to your breathing, sometimes feeling your heartbeat against his side if he got lucky and you cuddled up next to him. It made him feel like his life had a purpose, and that purpose was to hold you while you slept.
He took a deep breath, reaching out to gently pull the blanket over your body to cover you. The room was chilly, and he didn’t want you getting sick. Zayne stood and walked over to the window, pulling it closed as quietly as he could, then tip-toed back to the bed. As he timidly lifted the blanket and crawled back underneath it, you stirred, and he froze.
“Zayne,” You called out groggily, rubbing your eyes and yawning.
Oh, how he loved it when you said his name. Not like a question, because you were sure it was him. Because right now, he belonged here, next to you, in this bed.
“Yes?” He whispered hesitantly.
“What are you doing awake?” You questioned, scooting closer to him and tangling your leg with his. Your poor feet were cold, and it made Zayne angry at the version of himself that fell asleep with the window wide open.
“The room is cold, and you were shivering. I was just shutting the window.” He responded.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” You whispered, kissing his cheek.
Sweetheart. If only you knew. He almost wanted to laugh.
Zayne felt his hand hesitate for a moment. He was overwhelmed with the need to reach out and touch your face. To kiss your lips. To whisper how much he adored you against your skin as he made love to you. You looked so beautiful, your hair tousled from sleep, your soft sweet gaze resting on him. It made him want to ravish you.
That’s when he remembered, he could. This was his dream, he was in control, and in this realm, you were in love with him as well. He was no killer in this reality, you were not afraid of him like everyone else was. Instead, he was your lover, and you would let him take you right now if he really wanted to.
And God, he really wanted to. Desperately.
His hand trembled as he reached out to cup your cheek. “You’re so beautiful.” He muttered, wrapping his other arm around you and pulling you onto his chest. He traced his thumb along the curve of your jaw, over the tip of your nose, across your cupid's bow and bottom lip. As though he were trying to memorize the shape of it all so that even if he went blind, he could still figure out exactly who you were just by touching you.
He cherished the way you smiled so lovingly back at him, the way you tilted your head and planted your lips softly to his palm. You rested your hand on his arm, and when your fingertips grazed his scars, he almost forgot entirely how they’d ended up there in the first place.
Wishing he could freeze the moment right here, he took a mental photo, tucking it away in the back of his mind, committing it to memory as well.
He angled your face toward him and leaned closer so that you were mere inches from each other. Your breaths mingled, and for a moment, you just stared at each other. He ran his index finger up your spine.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” He said quietly, a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. Something he only did during his time with you.
He said it aloud, because even though he knew you would let him, no matter what, he felt like he didn’t deserve it. Like he needed to hear your permission, otherwise he’d be an even bigger monster than he already was.
“Well get on with it then. We don’t have all night.” You teased him, and Zayne huffed out a laugh, another thing he never did when he was awake, then he closed the distance between your lips, capturing your mouth with his in a gentle embrace.
He sighed against you, his mouth moving over yours in reverence as his arm tightened around your waist. Your hands rested on his chest, running up over his shoulders as you kissed him back deeply.
Zayne felt whatever world awaited him outside of this dream melt away as you pushed your body closer, the two of you morphing into one being. All he knew was that nothing else existed at this moment, except you.
He poured everything he ached to say into the kiss, furrowing his brow in restraint.
I love you.
I’ve missed you.
I will miss you.
I wish I could be better for you.
I wish I could be yours.
He would relive every agonizing moment of his life if it meant he could stay here forever, he thought. All of it became worth it as he kissed you with a passion he only felt when your hands were on him.
Zayne needed this. The way your presence lit a fire in him drove him absolutely insane, and before long he was tangling his hand in your hair, angling your face so that he could dip his tongue into your mouth. You gladly let him, and he licked into you, biting down on your bottom lip teasingly as you brought your legs around to straddle him.
His movements were picking up now, his scarred hands roaming up your sides and ghosting the underside of your breasts, and you pulled away from him with a gasp as he flicked the pad of one of his thumbs over your nipple.
As soon as you pulled away, he leaned forward, capturing the sensitive bud between his lips, and you let out another gasp, louder this time. Your hands threaded into his hair, and he pushed his hips up into yours, the only thing separating you was the fabric of his boxers.
Your head fell forward, burying your face in his neck, and Zayne felt goosebumps erupt over his arms as you fucking whimpered right in his ear. Your breath was hot on the shell of his ear, and he felt his cock twitch against you.
You seemed to feel that too, he noticed, because soon you were grinding yourself down more determinedly onto him. Zayne moved to give your other nipple some attention, flicking his tongue over it as he wrapped his strong arms around your waist, his hips matching the rhythm you had set.
He could feel how wet you were, and it made him groan against your skin in a desperate attempt not to flip you over and fuck you right there.
But he wanted to take his time. He wanted to stretch out this precious moment for as long as possible, he wanted to still be able to taste you when he woke up. And he wanted you to set the pace. He liked watching you on top of him, he always thought you looked like such an angel like that. If he believed in them.
If angels were real, though, then this would be his reality. One where he would wake up and still be next to you, instead of alone. Instead of having to live out his days killing to survive.
Zayne pushed those thoughts to the side, focusing instead on the way your hips were picking up speed now. His hands moved to your ass, guiding your movements and releasing your nipple from between his lips with a lewd pop.
The front of his boxers grew more damp as you rubbed your clit over the head of his cock, and Zayne was unsure if it was because of you or him. Either way, he was enthralled with how you keened against him, your body fitting perfectly with his like a puzzle piece that had been missing for far too long.
The two of you were panting now, your bodies moving on their own accord, the only thing on either of your minds was chasing that delicious friction.
“Please…” You sighed, and Zayne’s grip tightened around your waist. You sounded so pretty when you used your manners, he noted.
“Please what?” He teased, still dragging your hips over his with his rough hands.
“Please just fuck me already.” You begged, and that was enough consent for him to reach between the two of you to run his fingers over your clit.
“I’m not sure if you really want it.” He teased, though he meant it. He needed to feel wanted. Zayne still couldn’t wrap his mind around someone as perfect as you, letting him taint you with his sinful touch. Even if it was all just a dream.
Your mouth fell open as you pressed your forehead against his, and Zayne just traced lazy, slow circles over your clit. Your hips stirred, and for a moment he thought you may have been trying to get away. But soon, you were pressing against his hand just like you were on his cock, and he felt his mouth water at the feeling of it.
His fingers were already soaked, and as your grip tightened on his shoulders, Zayne reached his other hand down to let his stiff cock free from his boxers.
“Yes,” You panted, as he ran the tip of his cock down your slit.
“Yes?” He repeated, watching your eyes flutter shut as his fingers continued that steady rhythm over your most sensitive spot.
“God, yes. Please, I want it.” You whined, and that was all he needed, the way you politely begged for his cock sent a lush shiver down his spine.
He could tell you were close from how your thighs were quivering. From how slick his fingers and cock were just from playing with you. He wanted to bury himself in you right now, he wanted to feel you come around him as he slid you down onto him.
So, that’s exactly what he did.
He nudged the head of his cock into you just enough to elicit a small gasp from your lips. His fingers on your clit didn’t relent as he used his other hand to grab your hips and sink you slowly onto him.
Both of you let out an obscenely loud moan, and you immediately clenched around him, which caused Zayne’s hips to involuntarily buck upwards. He moved impossibly deeper, and your back arched as you came all around him, his cursed yet oh, so blessed fingers never ceasing their motions.
Zayne saw stars as you tightened around him, drenching his cock so thouroughly that he had to hold you still for a moment just so he wouldn’t instantly come with you. You moaned his name, and he reached up to capture your lips once more, drinking in every little sound you were making as you found your release on top of him.
God, he loved you.
“I love you, too.” You whispered.
He didn’t realize he’d said it aloud.
“I love you so much. God, you’re so beautiful. You’re my everything.” He was rambling praises against your mouth now, trying to reel himself in from getting lost in the way you throbbed around his cock.
His eyes raked down your body as you leaned back on him. Your hands rested on his knees, back arched so gracefully, chest bared beautifully to him. It was the most perfect thing he’d ever laid eyes on. He couldn't look away, not as he canted his hips up with you, fingers gripping your thighs as he helped you move atop him.
“So gorgeous, my love. Just like this. I want to stay just like this,” He confessed.
He would give you all that he had. You owned every bit of his heart, every piece of his wretched soul, and it made him sick thinking about it too much. Because although he was wholeheartedly and undeniably yours, you would never be his. None of this was real, and it was killing him inside. He would wake up alone tomorrow, and all of this would be washed away by the cold shower he’d inevitably have to take.
It filled him with rage.
He gritted his teeth, sitting himself up and holding you tightly in his arms as you forced yourself down onto him. He tucked his face into your chest, craving this closeness, this intimacy, even if he knew it wasn’t real. He didn’t give a damn if it was fruitless, it felt so real as he caught your lips between his own again. God, it felt too real, the way you raked your fingers down his back, the way his tongue grazed your bottom lip.
Zayne’s movements were becoming frantic now, one arm wrapping around your lower back as he rested the other on the bed behind him, using his newfound leverage to drive his cock faster and deeper into you. He mouthed incessantly at your neck and chest, morphing into a desperate mess as he got lost in your sopping cunt. His skin was growing slick with sweat, eyes screwed shut, his whole body trembling with the effort of fucking up into you.
“Tell me you’re mine.” He demanded, his voice hoarse.
You didn’t hesitate. “I’m yours.”
He let out a choked moan at that, his eyes flying open as he snaked his hand up into your hair now, angling your face towards him. “Say it again.” He grunted, holding your gaze with an intensity that made your toes curl.
“I’m all yours, Zayne.”
And there it was. The sound of his name from your lips. It was his undoing, it made his resolve shatter completely every time.
Zayne gasped, clutching your body to his, as his hips jolted into yours with a lewd slap. He wrapped his other arm around you and flipped you over rather ungracefully, but he remained inside you, and you let out a yelp as you fell back against the pillows.
He was hovering above you now, his knees tucked underneath your thighs, still fucking into you like your cunt was his driving force. You tilted your head back, and Zayne took that as an opportunity to lick a hot stripe up the column of your throat, then moved to bite down on your collarbone, his mouth and tongue desperate with the need to claim every inch of you that he could.
He was made for this, he thought. Made to take you, and only you, with his mouth and cock.
His hips were snapping into yours in a quick rhythm now, and Zayne was hypnotized by the way you were letting him ravish you. He was marking you all over, biting and sucking all across your neck and chest, loathing that it absolutely thrilled him to think about you walking around with those marks the next day. A wicked satisfaction overtook him at the thought of that damn surgeon seeing them.
“Mine,” he muttered against your neck, switching the pace of his hips to a deep and slow grind, and it made you wrap your legs around his waist, nails digging into his shoulders.
“Fuck, yes, just like that.” You moaned, and Zayne listened, furrowing his brow in concentration, a thick bead of sweat falling from his forehead as he grew determined to keep the pace he’d set. He could feel you fluttering around his cock, and it made him grip your thigh just a bit harder.
Zayne finally tore his face away from your neck and looked at your face. His mouth fell open at the sight.
Your cheeks and chest were flushed the most exquisite shade of red, eyelids squeezed shut in pleasure, as moan after moan tumbled from your beautifully swollen lips. His eyes trailed down, and they became glued to your body, fascinated by the way your hips were rolling up to meet his every thrust. A few faint red and purple marks already dotted your gorgeous neck, and he swore he started drooling.
He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from coming.
“Look at me. Look me in the eyes.” he pleaded, holding your face in his treacherous hands like you were a precious gem, and he was afraid to drop you.
That seemed to instantly snap you back into the moment, your gaze locking with his as the tip of his cock dragged languidly over your g-spot. You were pawing at his neck, his chest, threading your fingers through his hair, anything to get him closer to you, and Zayne just kept that achingly slow grind, your back arching off the bed, calling his name out as he felt you find your release around him.
Zayne just watched you, fucking you through your orgasm, enamored with the way your body writhed beneath him. He was so gone, couldn’t stop if he wanted to. Watching you like this was like a drug, hell, he’d almost forgotten his own name, if it weren’t for the way you said it so prettily when you were coming.
“So good. God, you’re beautiful. I love you so much.” Zayne huffed, hiking your legs up in a futile attempt to get as deep into you as he could. Your body twitched, and he wrapped an arm around your back, holding you close to him.
He couldn’t bear to hear you say it back again, the words stirring up too many emotions he didn’t want to confront while he was bottomed out inside you. So instead, he kissed you hurriedly, his free hand snaking up your chest, cupping your neck, fingers grazing over your pulse point. He started thrusting into you just a bit harder when he felt how fast your heart was beating, and you whined into his mouth in response.
He was close, he could feel it. His cock was twitching inside you, hips sputtering as he struggled to keep rhythm. Damn him, he wanted this to last all night. Maybe if he never came he could just fuck you until he died. That would be better than waking up.
Don’t think about it, he told himself, his features twisting in a mixture of frustration and desire as his mouth moved sloppily over yours. Both of you were panting into the kiss, and you pulled away to gasp when he slammed into you particularly hard.
You looked into his eyes, and that's when he noticed your expression softened.
“Zayne…I love you,” You whispered.
Was he crying?
He felt your fingers gently caress his cheek like you were wiping something away.
“I love you so much.” You repeated.
Zayne told himself that it must have been sweat.
He couldn’t do anything other than stare into your eyes, his muscles tensing up as he felt himself on the brink of release, fucking into you with abandon now. Your bodies moved as one, your hips rolling together chaotically, filthy moans and the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the silence of the room. He was losing his mind to you, nothing else mattered in this world except your body wrapped around his.
“Let go, Zayne.”
And he did.
He came with a start, burying his face into your neck with a choked groan as he emptied himself into you. He was shaking, gripping your thighs tightly as he pounded you through his orgasm, obscene moans and hushed “I love you”’s falling from his lips as he fucked you to the hilt until he couldn’t take it anymore.
Zayne’s hips finally stilled, his face still buried in your neck, and he took a few deep breaths, trying to steady his heart rate as he twitched inside you. You tangled your fingers in his scalp, kissing the crown of his head, and he felt his heart twinge at the simple yet intimate gesture. He let go of your legs, letting them fall back onto the bed, and slowly pulled out of you, giving out a final grunt as he did so.
He laid down next to you, resting his hand on your upper abdomen as he studied your face. “Are you okay?” He asked timidly, suddenly feeling the weight of the situation dawn on him.
He would be waking up soon.
“Of course I am. Are you okay?” You quizzed him back, still trying to catch your breath as well.
No, he thought. Of course he’s not. It's almost time for him to go back to a world without you in it.
“I’m fine, my love. Just come here.” He muttered, holding his arm out for you to tuck yourself into his side. You did, and Zayne buried his nose in the top of your head to get a good whiff of your shampoo.
None of this was fair. It wasn’t fair that he got to make love to you like this in his dreams, then spend every waking moment looking for your face in every room. Hoping against all odds that one day, you’d be there. He knew in his gut that it would never happen, that waking up from this was some sick punishment he had to go through because of the awful sins he’d committed throughout his life.
Zayne tried to ignore the thoughts in his head as he stroked your hair, matching his breathing with yours. One of your hands rested on his chest, and Zayne brought his fingers up to fiddle with yours. Such tiny hands, he thought. They were so soft, so pure. He shouldn’t be touching them.
Eventually, you fell back asleep. He couldn’t see your face, but he could always tell by the way your breathing slowed. He held you for what felt like hours, but it was never long enough. You sometimes twitched in your sleep too, and it made him wonder what you were dreaming about. If you dreamt about him the way he dreamt about you.
***
Zayne wasn’t sure how long he’d watched you sleep, but the sound of his alarm tore him from his one sense of tranquility, and he jolted awake with a gasp. Of course, he was already crying. He brought a hand to cover his mouth, to stop the choked sob that threatened to escape him.
He no longer tasted your lips, the spot on the bed next to him was cold and empty, and he couldn’t smell your shampoo anymore. He balled his hand into a fist with anger.
He was going to shatter that alarm clock.
He stood in the cold shower for 45 minutes, and couldn’t forget about any of it. Not a single moment. Not the way you kissed him. Not the way your body fit around his like a glove. Not the way you said his name, and definitely not the way you told him you loved him.
Maybe tonight Zayne would go to bed early.