Archive of Our Own ^beta

It had all happened really fast.

One day, Buck was suggesting that they start a podcast, because it would be funny and no one would ever actually hear it, but they could listen back and laugh at themselves.

He posed that in all likelihood, they’d make a few episodes, no one would ever listen, and it would be a fun hobby for them. If, however, people did listen, the two of them could make some extra money, and it would help them pick up chicks.

At the time, that had been all Buck knew he was interested in. Things had changed a lot since then, in more ways than a few.

Eddie had a meltdown and cheated on his girlfriend with his dead wife’s twin, and had gotten briefly cancelled for it, before Buck had defended him by explaining his grief. The tide had turned quickly after that.

Buck insisted it was because people could sense that he was trustworthy and a good person.

Eddie thought it was because Buck was persuasive, and people wanted to listen to their podcast guilt free.

And when Buck had mentioned in a frenzied story on the show that he had a boyfriend, their viewership had quadrupled overnight. 

Christopher, who was barely talking to either of them at the time, loved sending them both tweets or tiktoks or some other random social media about people shipping them. 

He thought it was hilarious when the internet turned on Tommy after their breakup too, sending the tweets calling him ugly to Eddie specifically. Eddie wanted to reprimand him, but was too happy his son was talking to him to argue. He also found out that way that people had hated him for coming between Tommy and Buck, but that was too ridiculous to put any real stock in. Christopher also wound up defending him at that time, how he belonged in his Buck’s life more than Tommy did.

Which was, incidentally, how they had started talking again. Chris wasn’t coming back until the end of the semester, but he was coming home.

Buck had managed to get a baking sponsorship out of his anecdotes about his bad stress baking.

They sometimes talked about work, but mostly talked about their lives, and Eddie really tried not to regret that they’d started this. He had a twitter account he had never once used, because Christopher insisted he had to, but he’d done his time on the dispatch twitter. He had an instagram account people actually followed, and when he posted anyone but Buck, the comments were less than ideal. 

They were making good money, enough for Eddie to start setting up backup funds for Christopher’s future, enough for Buck to start looking to outright buy a place on his own rather than renting. 

And the truth was, they were funny. Eddie could see it. He saw clips of them and he understood why people liked it.

He also entered something like a fugue state when they recorded, and often didn’t remember the things he said until someone, usually Chimney, Ravi or Christopher, sent him clips. They were almost always mocking, and while Buck had absolutely no shame, Eddie was often embarrassed by the things he said and how they came across.

Still, like he was addicted, he watched every clip that was sent to him. 

He watched every giggle, and every time they broke into song, and every time Buck called him ‘babe’ so casually on the show, and he wondered how Buck did this to him. 

Because he had never, not in his entire thirty-three years of life, giggled and done bad karaoke sober, let alone with such a big audience. 

The edit that Christopher had sent them both, the one that had him wondering if the podcast was a horrible mistake, was a particularly hard watch for him. He watched it fifteen times.

‘Buck being in love with Eddie for 3 minutes and 17 seconds straight’.

Did they know? Were they fucking with him? 

It was too ridiculous, too ludicrous. Buck. Evan Buckley. All six foot two inches of chaos and energy and brightness. In love with Eddie of all fucking people.  

It was Buck’s show, really. Eddie was just there to go along with him. To engage with him. Eddie was the accessory. Buck was the appeal. It didn’t take any genius to see that. 

The first clip was the two of them, sitting across from each other, both smiling even as they bickered. 

“You know what, Eddie, babe, I hate it when you do that. You’re saying things like you know them but we both know that I am the math genius here. I am the genius.”

“You,” Eddie argued back, still grinning, “are a phenomenon of nature. That doesn’t change the fact that overall I’m smarter than you.”

“Lies! You’re a liar!”

Buck slapped the table, and he was all silly yelling and big features and Eddie looked so stupid fond that he could understand why people thought they were together. Of course, that was just Eddie’s face. Eddie didn’t like men. Eddie didn’t like Buck that way. It just sometimes looked like it on their show, that was all.

“Who knows all about the life cycles of flies, Eds? Hm? Who knows all about the construction and innovation of zoo enclosures? Who knows about tapeworms?” 

Eddie couldn’t fight back the laughter bubbling out of him, but Buck was still going, big and bright and easily the funniest and brightest person Eddie had ever known. He was such a natural. It just came out of him, bigger than normal but still so authentic to who he really was. 

“Eddie, babe, love of my life, you’re a fucking idiot if you think you’re smarter than me. I’m objectively smarter. You just look smarter because you’re — Don’t laugh at me! — because I’m blonde and it makes me look dumber.”

“You’re not blonde, Buck.”

“Oh, here we fucking go—” 

The clip cut there, but if anyone seemed in love with anyone, it was Eddie with Buck. He wasn’t, of course, because he was straight and they were best friends, but even he could see the way his stupid, delusional little smile looked gay as hell on his face.

The second clip was one Eddie recognised instantly, because it had been quoted back to him so many fucking times.

“At this point, I’ve known you for forty years.” Buck started, dramatically. 

“Well—” Eddie interrupted.

“I would like to think that you aren’t capable of keeping a secret from me. And if you are keeping a secret from me, I need you to tell me so I can sit on you about it.”

Eddie just stared blankly.

Buck stared back.

“Yeah, I heard it.”

Eddie started giggling, then Buck was giggling, and the clip cut with Eddie and Buck reaching their hands out to each other in fits of giggles, like they needed each other for support to stay upright. They did that all the time. Eddie loved those moments.

Another clip.

“Someone referred to me as your wife the other day.” Buck started.

Eddie choked on air. His cheeks were so pink. Why did he blush like that? Buck was paler than him, and yet somehow he didn’t blush anywhere near as hard as Eddie himself did.

“Do you think of me as your old ball and chain?” Eddie asked, going along with the joke despite the frankly upsetting colour of his cheeks. How was this Buck looking in love with him? Obviously they were comfortable with each other, but still. 

Buck gasped, his eyes big, his back straightening out as he got ready to fight with God himself on this topic. Eddie knew immediately the rant he had started, Buck’s mockingly serious voice raising as he stared Eddie down intently. 

“I would never refer to my wife as the old ball and chain. You don’t hold me down, you pick me up, you dirty little bitch. You’re the wind beneath my wings. God.”

The wheeze of a laugh that Eddie let out was an embarrassing sound he’d never heard from himself. He wanted to shove a sock in his own mouth so that he would stop fucking talking. Stop making noises. Stop looking at Buck like that. It didn’t mean anything, he knew that, but did anyone else? 

Was this queerbaiting? 

Eddie only even knew about that because of Christopher, but… He wasn’t purposefully doing this, it just kept happening. 

Another clip.

“I’ve missed you.” Buck said, his voice oddly quiet and contemplative, head tipped to the side. He was looking at Eddie like he was a dog looking at his owner, with eyes so earnest it was a little hard not to look away. As it was, Eddie could see how flushed he was. He hoped they just assumed he had a skin thing. 

“We came off a forty-eight hour shift together and you’re sleeping on my couch and recording a podcast with me. How could you possibly miss me?”

Buck outright pouted, and Eddie remembered how it had sort of felt like he was looking into the sun a little in the line of Buck’s intense blue eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because I just— I love you.” And then, when Eddie didn’t respond within a half second, “Say it back, bitch.” 

Eddie held up a hand, his face so pink he may as well have just bought pink face paint as a concealer and be done with it. “Enough.” 

Buck giggled in response, and the clip cut.

“I am… convinced that you are the luckiest person alive.”

Buck’s brows raised. “Me? Lucky? Please, I’ve been hit by lightning. I’ve been crushed by a truck. I’ve been in a tsunami.” 

“And you’re alive.” Eddie reiterated. 

“I have metal in my legs.”

“I have two shot wounds.”

“Okay, then we can both be unlucky. It’s cool. It’s fine, babe, it’s fine.”

Eddie’s brows lifted on the screen. He knew this clip too. He remembered this day. He remembered the rush of… something. Confusion, maybe. Something fluttery in his chest. 

“Babe?” He asked, voice a bit higher than normal.

Buck, for his part, rose to a playfully dramatic yell. “Are you not my babe?”

Eddie huffed, and the clip cut.

That one was a particularly memorable day, because Eddie had gotten so much shit for his reaction to Buck calling him ‘babe’. The tease wasn’t even about Buck. It wasn’t even about the nickname. Nobody even seemed to question that Buck was calling him that so easily, so thoughtlessly. The teasing was directed at Eddie, and the ruddy cheeked panic that had been written all over his face.

His teammates had called him babe for a week, but Buck didn’t. He reverted to calling Eddie ‘bro’ or ‘dude’ when they weren’t filming, saving the pet name for the camera. And maybe it was just a joke, just playing it up, except that it came out of him so naturally and so easily.

Eddie had spent a few days briefly wondering whether Buck was just doing it for the bit, whether he was forcing a level of comfort between him and Eddie that he didn’t actually feel. 

But then Eddie was oddly fascinated by it. He found himself sort of wishing Buck would do it outside of the show. Which was silly, because Buck almost always said it in a sarcastic and teasing way, never with any genuine softness, but it made Eddie feel like they’d reached a new level of closeness. And no matter how much he might try to play it cool, having a best friend so comfortable and so fond of him was… overwhelming. A little addicting, maybe.

The next clip was another one Eddie knew well. 

Maybe one of the ones Chim most referenced at him.

Eddie had done it intentionally. For a bit.

He’d waited until Buck said something particularly out there, something about deepthroating a hot dog, maybe, and then Eddie had called him ‘honey’. He’d been totally calm about it, saying it like it was normal. A fond and condescending thing, as was their bickering tone.

Buck smiled in that closed lipped but bright eyed way that made his dimple appear on his cheek and he seemed genuinely pleased. 

Eddie still did it significantly less than Buck called him ‘babe’, but every time he did, Buck made a joke out of, quite literally giggling and kicking his feet.

Eddie was only aware of the ‘meme’ of that concept because Christopher had explained it to him.

Christopher loved to tease him about it.

He loved to tease Eddie about all the times Buck made a joke that Eddie didn’t understand, or every time Buck said something that made Eddie go so bright red he may as well have stood on a runway and ushered a plane to land. As embarrassing as it was, Christopher actually seemed to like their show. Seemed proud to be linked to it.

Both Buck and Eddie agreed he wasn’t allowed to be on it until he turned 18, but that didn’t stop them talking about him, and it didn’t stop Chris from being a beloved character within the universe of their podcast.

The next few clips were quite literally just Eddie talking about something or rather while Buck stared at him, chin in hand, and whoever put the clips together had edited it to tease how much they were looking at each other. Zooms in on Buck’s face, or a sound Eddie didn’t understand that was clearly someone fawning over someone talking and not recognising what they were saying. 

Honey: HAHA i really do look in love

Honey: good for numbers i’m sure

Child of Divorce: did u look at the comments???? 

Child of Divorce: ive seen comments abt u both i NEVER needed to see

Honey: no one is forcing you to look chris

Child of Divorce: and no one is forcing you to look at him like that BUCK 

Babe: maybe buck missed a calling in acting

Child of Divorce: idts

Babe: i don’t know what that means

Child of Divorce: and i hope you never learn <3

Child of Divorce: i do have a pitch for an episode tho

Child of Divorce: im never gonna watch it but i think it should exist probably

Child of Divorce: you guys should read fanfic about yourselves

Babe: … why

Child of Divorce: couple things. i like it when u suffer 

Child of Divorce: but also fans will eat it up and then you'll make money and then you'll have to buy me more robux 

Babe: … what

Honey: he's an entrepreneur and we should be proud

Eddie closed the tab and immediately went back to the video Chris had sent, opening up the comments. 

@eddiesbuck911: I will never be over Eddie's face when Buck calls him babe for the first time! sooooo cute and in love

Eddie's expression scrunched up a bit. He understood, he really did. It was just, he didn't know how to make his face stop doing that. Also, when he clicked on some of these profiles with his name in it, he saw edits based on them. Love songs over moments of their lives and he could understand how they came to the belief if nothing else.

@emmaabeginss: Cannot believe you didn't include the clip where Buck keeps arguing his hands are bigger than Eddie's when be clearly just wants to touch him

Eddie remembered that too. Buck had been going on and on, saying that obviously he knew better, and obviously since he was taller, his hands were bigger. And the funny thing was, Buck definitely did know he was wrong. They'd discussed it before, even posted a photo proving it once.

Still, he'd bickered on and on until Eddie gave Buck his hand for direct comparison with a huff.

When proven wrong, he'd gone down a whole rabbit hole about how, actually, hand size did not correlate to penis size. Eddie had stayed mostly silent, typically less confident talking about sex than Buck, especially when Buck was so good at making everyone laugh all on his lonesome. Buck could talk to anyone and be funny, Eddie thought.

It was his natural energy and charm.

@theoneeighteen: their dynamic is literally just one yaps and one is really pretty and I respect it.

Eddie resisted the urge to argue that Buck was plenty pretty too, because he knew they meant it to be a joke. And a compliment, probably. 

@buddiesoldier: has anyone else seen that video where someone was recording the lafd doing some save (I wasn't paying attention), and you can see blurry buddie in the background? those videos are the most damning proof for me

@eddiescanine: @buddiesoldier honestly all the vids of them from their job are pretty damning evidence. the one where buck's digging through the dirt for him is craaaaazy

@eddiescanine: @thefireyardpod you should do a reaction video to all your viral news moments

@anyoneverything: @eddiescanine @thefireyardpod do you think they’ve seen the edits about them that use those clips?

Eddie, as it happened, couldn't think of anything worse than reliving their near deaths for funsies. He understood that they were probably hard to take seriously as real people. That the stark contrast between Buck breaking out into a classic Taylor Swift song on a podcast and the Buck covered in mud and rain and shrieking for Eddie was probably too large to fully bridge for some people. He understood that when people thought they should be a couple, they might read those things differently. But the fact that Buck hadn’t wanted his best friend to die in front of him didn’t actually mean he felt romantically about Eddie.

Only, he saw a link to an edit after that and… he couldn’t help himself.

It started with a clip of Buck telling Eddie ‘people really think we’re a couple, which is hilarious, because there’s never been anything romantic between us’, and then cut through clips of them grinning at each other, or touching each other, and some random blurry footage of Buck leaning on Eddie’s shoulder on a call and then ended with footage of Buck digging through the mud and of Eddie holding Buck’s hand when the firetruck crushed his leg.

It ended and started to replay, and Eddie paused it. He stared at the paused shot of Buck’s face, playfully joking with Eddie, looking so normal and casual and fun, and he wished he knew how to keep these two things separate.

Because sure, those were all facets of their relationship, but Eddie didn’t want to see Buck like that. He didn’t want to see Buck sobbing in Bobby’s lap at the thought of losing his best friend. He didn’t want to see people extrapolate the way they felt into romantic love. It wasn’t. 

Eddie loved Buck more than anyone in the world except for his son, but that didn’t make it romantic.

He scrolled down until he found a comment he liked, and then liked it.

@catsiell: guys, c’mon, rpf is illegal. we’ve been over this. they’re real people

Eddie really resented the fact that he knew what rpf was. 

He blamed Christopher for that.

He kept scrolling, feeling like he was losing his mind a little bit, until his phone buzzed again.

Crockett: stop doom scrolling

Tubbs: are you in my walls?

Crockett: yes. next question.

Crockett: i just know you. and i know it freaks you out when chris sends shipping stuff. 

Crockett: but we both know it isn’t like that. so who cares what anyone else thinks?

Tubbs: it’s just embarrassing.

Crockett: so dating me would be embarrassing? WOW. 

Tubbs: buckkkkk

Crockett: i knwo. 

Crockett: we don’t have to do the fanfic idea either…

Tubbs: Christopher is right, people will love it

Crockett: eddie, you don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable for the comfort of people listening to our stupid podcast

Tubbs: … have you found fanfic options?

Crockett: … yes?

Crockett: but that doesn’t mean we have to do it! Or we can just do like, a really tame one

Tubbs: alright, i’m starting to think you think i’m a homophobe or smth

Tubbs: it’s fine, let’s do it. give me the most ridiculous possible option.

—

They sat in their recording space, Buck’s hand wrapped comfortably around the centre of his mic while they talked. He was leaning back in his chair, so natural and so easy, even with the cameras trained on them.

It was always harder for Eddie, but he let himself lean into Buck, into talking to Buck, and it got easier. He was always less terrified around Buck. And Buck was so funny, so engaging, that it was easy to forget that everyone else was watching him. 

“So, Eddie and I have decided on what we’re going to do for our next subscriber milestone,” Buck began, a bright grin on his face. “As long as Eddie doesn’t chicken out, that is. Which, y’know, would be fine. We would forgive him. We would tease him mercilessly, but we would forgive him.”

Eddie scoffed, leaning forward a bit, “You literally told me yesterday that I didn’t have to do it. You were being all cool and nice about it. Fake.”

Buck was smiling wildly, the way he always did when he knew they were onto something that he could make into a bit. Eddie loved that look. 

“Yeah, but that’s why I’m allowed to give you shit about it, Eds. You told me in no uncertain terms that you were cool with it. So if you bail now, you’re gonna look like a giant baby.”

Eddie scoffed, “You’re trying to psyche me out, but this won’t work, bitch, I am not scared of you and your little words.”

Buck’s eyes were alive, full of excitement. It was hard to be anything but happy when Buck was so happy. But wasn’t that exactly how they’d started this? Buck’s bright eyed glee at the idea and Eddie’s inability to say no to him? And now they were regularly talking about the kinds of things Eddie never would have imagined them talking about. Now, he was plainly used to Buck bringing up everything from his sex life to his bowel movements. 

It was weird how easy it became to talk to him about anything and everything. To tell the whole world about it, really.

It did mean that he had to curate which parts Christopher could watch, but that was okay. It just meant they could easily drop a PG-13 version of the podcast if they ever needed to from the secondary cuts.

“Not scared of me, huh?” Buck asked with a grin. “That’s a mistake and we both know it, since I am, in fact, bigger than you.”

“Oh, here we fucking go again, Buck. Yes. We all know. Big Boy Firehose, we all know the stories.”

Buck snorted, “Hey, I wasn’t talking about my…” He made an unintelligible noise that was something like ‘shpopck’. “You jumped to that one all on your own. I was referring to you being a tiny little baby boy.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Oh, it’s this again. Right. I’m six foot tall, Buck, I am not that little. Do you know how often people tell me that I’m taller than they thought I was because of you?”

Buck scoffed, “You are not six foot. I’m only six two and you’re significantly smaller than me.”

“Oh my god, Evan, you are not significantly bigger than me. It’s not that big of a height gap. You just think it is because you think you’re so big and strong and manly.”

“First of all, bitch, I am big and strong and manly, but I’m also soft and delicate because I’m not Big Toxic Masculinity Boy like you are.”

Eddie scoffed, they’d had this stupid bickering argument on the show before. It wasn’t one they’d ever have in real life, because neither of them thought the other was anything like that really, but since the show started, they bickered a lot more playfully. A lot less reservedly. Maybe they felt safer in the knowledge that it was always just a joke. That when push came to shove, they were still Buck and Eddie, best friends and partners. 

“Big Toxic Masculinity Boy? Are you kidding me? I’m pretty sure I’ve cried more recently than you have.” 

Buck shook his head, “Nuh-uh, I cried like two days ago watching It’s A Wonderful Life, I’ll have you know.”

“Now why am I not surprised that you’re watching Christmas movies already?”

Buck rolled his eyes, “Okay, yeah, whatever Eddie. Change the subject. You’re still significantly smaller than me, and loving Christmas is very not toxic masculinity of me.” 

He said the last part like it was his crowning jewel, like he’d just won their argument. Not that that really made a lot of sense one way or another for what they had started arguing about.

“I’m still six foot tall.”

“Sure you are, pipsqueak.”

“Oh my god.”

“No, I’m serious, you’re so masculine, actually.” Buck was grinning stupidly, and Eddie knew he was teasing, that he was trying to get a reaction. He could leave it, but if he did, Buck’s grin would fade, and he couldn’t abide that. 

“See, here you are again, always making fun of me when I am above average height.” 

“This is why when I say that, you know I love you, right?”

“Oh no. Don’t do this.”

“This is why you’re not my type.” Buck was smirking, and Eddie knew this was going to happen. That Buck loved to have this fight with him. 

“You’re such a little asshole.” Eddie scoffed.

“You’re just not rugged enough for me.”

Eddie groaned, loud and playing it up, brushing his hand heavily over his face. “Buck, I’m a firefighter. I’m six foot tall. I’m ex-army. I do muay thai and boxing. I could beat you up in a heartbeat. I’m easily more rugged than you are.”

“So?”

“Okay, I’m about to blow your mind here.” Eddie began, hands up, voice slow and condescending, playful.

“Okay, fine, blow me.” Buck answered thoughtlessly.

Eddie stared. Buck blinked.

“Mm. No. Not what I said. Blow your mind.” He could see the moment Buck heard himself, the stupid laugh ripping out of his throat in an instant, and Eddie was powerless not to start hysterically laughing with him. But this was how they argued. The topic changing every three and a half seconds, both of them going along like nothing had changed. He wasn’t even entirely sure how they’d gotten here.

“What I was going to say.” Eddie cut back in through both of their ongoing laughter, “Was that size doesn’t actually equate to how rugged someone is, and I’m plenty rugged.”

Buck rolled his eyes dramatically, “Why do you even care what I think, it’s not like you want me?!”

Eddie scoffed, yelling back, just as playfully dramatic, “That doesn't mean I don't want you to want me!”

“You don't even—.” They met eyes, and it happened almost instantly, without even thinking about it. They both bust into song. I want you to want me. The silliest voices they could muster, staring each other in the eye as they fell into their usual pattern of mimicking each other’s uncoordinated shoulder shimmies. 

When their singing reached its natural conclusion, Buck started talking again like they’d never started singing at all. “Anyway, everyone knows you’re not rugged, that’s why everyone thinks you’re the bottom.”

Eddie coughed, shaking his head rapidly. “First of all, what the fuck, dude? Second of all, I don’t think that’s how those things are decided?”

Buck scoffed, “I mean, yeah, I’d think I know that better than you. Considering only one of us has ever actually done it.”

Eddie was pretty sure he’d never been more pink tinged in his life. “You don’t know what I’ve done.” He answered defensively, even though Buck was absolutely correct, and he was really only saying it to be save face in some way on their show.

Buck barked a laugh, “Um, yeah, I do. You’re vanilla as fuck.” 

“How would you know, you’ve never had sex with me.”

Buck grinned, “Babe, I know you better than you know yourself. And not that I don’t think I could blow your mind, baby, but we both know that you’re the missionary, vanilla kinda guy.”

“Okay, well, this episode has to be erased from the internet, because I am a father.” 

Buck shrugged, “We’ll obviously tell him not to watch it, babe, but I’m still right.”

“Some of us aren’t going around reading what positions the listeners think we’re doing.”

Buck grinned, “It was for the subscriber celebration. And I noticed a pattern.” He shrugged. 

Eddie snorted, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter what the people think I would do, because you’re not my type either.”

Buck grinned, “Well, yeah, Edmundo, I know that, you’re straight.”

—

It took Eddie all of about three days to get curious and go looking for the arguments his friend had been referencing. 

@mooeddiediazzx: buck is a self proclaimed ass man and eddie has a badonkadonk and ur telling me u don’t think think eddie is the bottom? grow up 

@911lesbian: sure yeah, that’s true, but it’s more of an essence thing and buck’s essence wants to get topped

@peroxideprxnce: okay forget the top/bottom discourse, has anyone noticed that buck always says eddie’s straight but eddie himself never says it?

Eddie stared at that particular comment for far too long. Why should he have to say his sexuality? It wasn't like he was questioning it. It wasn't like he was uncertain. 

Of course, he was trying to work out why people thought he was a bottom even though he'd never considered being either with a man before, so… Maybe he should say it more clearly.

He added a comment to the thread on the twitter account he almost never used, with just ‘im striaght’ and a thumbs up emoji. He immediately saw the spelling errors, saw how odd the whole thing looked, and deleted it.

Too late though, because he immediately saw screenshots. 

Crockett: discourse getting to you, bud?

Tubbs: how have you already seen it?

Crockett: got tagged about 45 times in thirty seconds… 

Tubbs: fuck

Crockett: we don't have to do this fanfic thing, eds, it's clearly bothering you

Tubbs: oh my god it's fine

Crockett: you know you don't have to be cool with any of it, right?? 

Tubbs: does none of it ever get to you?

Crockett: not really 

Crockett: i more worry it'll get to you and mess up our friendship

Tubbs: its okay, i wouldn't quit the podcast or the team

Crockett: im not talking about the show or the 118… I'm talking about us

Tubbs: we're rock solid, Buck

Tubbs: hearing people speculate about us fucking isn't going to mess us up

Crockett: what if you get all weird and can’t look at me anymore

Tubbs: won’t happen, honey

It wasn’t something Eddie usually said outside of the podcast.

Crockett: thanks, babe

So then they were okay. They were okay and that was all that really mattered,

—

The day the fanfiction episode was set to be filmed, Eddie really wondered if he was going to be able to get through it.

Buck had offered to send it to Eddie early, but he had also confessed that he hadn’t read it fully, only the tags. That he’d read the comments and the tags and he thought it would be funny, but he hadn’t read it because he thought it would be funnier still if they did it on the show for the first time. 

He reminded Eddie about fifteen times that they didn’t have to do it. It was a paywalled thing, and they could just cut the cameras and do something different instead. Come up with some other premise. Some other joke. 

But Buck hadn’t read it, and Eddie decided that he shouldn’t either.

It would be… funnier to go into it blind. Funnier for them each to react blindly.

And Eddie wasn’t a child. 

He sure as shit wasn’t a homophobe. 

He could handle reading a little bit of gay sex, right? 

The thought sort of made him want to break out into hives.

Child of Divorce: so you guys are really doing this huh?

Babe: you are NOT watching it

Child of Divorce: oh duh, dad

Child of Divorce: i have enough emotional scars thanks

Child of Divorce: i only watch the tiktok clips, i don’t need or want to know what else is goin on

Child of Divorce: you guys can be suspiciously close on ur own time

Honey: alright enough

Honey: you’re going to give your father a panic attack

Babe: too soon

Child of Divorce: all i want is money in exchange for my good ideas

Child of Divorce: i want nothing to do with how the ideas play out thank you

God, this was so deeply fucking humiliating, really.

His son was mocking him about the internet shipping them or whatever.

Eddie couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

All he could do was… try to be funny. Try to make things work. Try not to be as humiliated as he felt. Try to prove to everyone that he and Buck were just normal, regular friends capable of making jokes without it having to be weird because everyone thought they were going to hook up at some point.

The filming session started… fairly normal. Sitting across from each other. Buck was wearing a short sleeved button down over a t-shirt, and Eddie was wearing a t-shirt, and for some reason the normalcy of that felt like it contrasted what the hell they were about to be doing. 

They had a plan, but they also liked to just talk. Which was usually when Eddie said his dumbest things, because the more he thought about things, the more he panicked, but the less he thought about them, the more he just… matched Buck. And when he matched Buck, the two of them went to weird places. It was how they wound up calling each other names constantly on the show, pet names or derogatory terms. It was how they wound up talking about half the things they talked about. 

Eddie’s brain shut off when he was alone in a well lit room with Buck and a microphone, and that was a little terrifying, but apparently… likable? 

He was still getting used to the thought.

“So I’ve been reading about fireflies.” Buck said it like it was the most normal thing in the world, and not completely apropos of nothing. They had been talking about Buck’s new shoes until that had come out.

“Uh-huh.” Eddie nodded, aware that the smile on his own face was probably painfully fond. Buck and his research.

“Did you know that the girl fireflies will like, murder and eat the boy fireflies?” 

Eddie snorted, “Sounds like some of your exes.”

“Okay.” Buck raised his hands in surrender. “Let’s not with that.”

“But you know—”

“Yes, I know who you’re talking about and why, shut up. God.”

Eddie was grinning brightly and Buck was levelling him with a glare that was not at all convincing. 

“Anyway, you know how I like to keep fingering the pulse about animal facts and—”

“Pause, hang on.” Eddie held up a hand, brows raising at his best friend. “What did you just say?”

“Fingering the pulse?”

“Nope.”

Buck’s brows raised. “What do you mean nope? Is that not the expression?”

Eddie held a moment of just staring at him before he burst out laughing, shaking his head rapidly, unable to quite wipe the smile from his face. 

“No, Buck, oh my god. Finger on the pulse. You’re not fingering the pulse.” 

Buck was laughing by then too, looking a little bashful but mostly just amused. The thing with Buck and Eddie, Eddie had found, is that he was probably one of the few people who could correct Buck this way without him 

“Speaking of fingering the pulse.”  Buck started, clapping his hands together.

“Dear god, Buck.” Eddie grumbled, dropping his head onto his chest.

“We are actually celebrating something today. Another milestone. We are going to be reading gay fanfiction about ourselves.”

“As opposed to straight fanfiction about ourselves.” Eddie interrupted sarcastically, and Buck reached across to slap him.

“Before we do that, do you think that any of our exes actually do watch this?” Buck asked, perking up with the question.

Eddie shivered involuntarily. “God, I fucking hope not.” He grumbled, and Buck grinned at him, gesturing for him to elaborate. “Man, I don’t know. We say a lot of shit here.”

“That’s true. You did also just imply one of my exes cannibalised me.”

“Emotionally.” Eddie said with a shrug. “And I’m right. Anyway, if anything, my exes might be relieved.”

“Why’s’at?”

“Well… y’know, if they came here and just saw us reading gay fanfiction, they might be relieved.”

“Relieved?” Buck’s mouth was open, looking like he really wasn’t sure whether to be surprised, amused or concerned.

“Yeah, relieved.” He shrugged, “I don’t know. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, man, maybe they’d be relieved because it’s like… well, at least they know there was nothing they could have done, y’know? Like, I don’t know, maybe it would explain a few things.”

Buck blinked at him, opening his mouth and closing it a few times before finally saying: “Couple things. Number one… you reading gay fanfiction doesn’t make you gay? I assume you know this. Number two, just because you’re banging me in a fanfiction doesn’t mean you’re gay in the fanfiction, you could bisexual or pansexual or bicurious or any other number of things. And, y’know, also… explains a few things?”

Eddie could feel his cheeks burning. Usually, he thought Buck came across a lot sillier than him on this show. Then again, he wasn’t usually so casually talking about reading what was quintessentially gay porn about himself. He had quite literally signed up for it though, so it wasn’t like he could complain. It was just sort of… making him dumber, somehow. 

“Alright, so. We over here in this podcast are not going to tell you to stop writing fanfiction, mainly because we think it’s funny, but be respectful and shit, yeah?” Buck said into the camera, smiling. “Anyway, the one I’ve picked was written after last week’s podcast, and I thought that would make it funnier. More recent, y’know. It had good comments and stuff, so.”

“Good… comments…?”

“Well,” Buck shrugged, “@foldablespoon says it’s exactly how they imagine it going.  And @crazylatino_boy says it was delicious. Was that you, Eds?”

“Shut up.”

Buck grinned. “Anyway.” 

Eddie nodded, his heart racing a bit. 

“Anyway. I found this on a website called Archive of Our Own. I’ve never actually been to it before, but…” He shrugged, “It has tags, so we’re going to read the tags and see if we can make sense of them.”

Eddie nodded, trying to keep his breathing totally calm. So help him, if he had a panic attack over them fictionally fucking, he was going to have to leave the country, dye his hair and change his name.

“So the first one is… Top Eddie Diaz.”

Eddie perked up, raising his hands. “Aye! Someone thinks I’m a top!”

Buck raised his brows at him. “You are not doing yourself any favours here, babe, you really aren’t.”

“Next tag.” Eddie prompted, his cheeks burning.

“Oh, wait, the author of this is called BottomDiaz.” Buck looked up with a grin, brows raising. “So they’re not that convinced.”

Eddie scoffed, “Don’t care, they made me a top in this one.”

“So then you’re arguing that you are a top?” Buck asked, leaning forward with amusement.

“I…” Eddie huffed, “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, next tag.”

“Anal Sex.” Buck read next, and Eddie tried hard to be calm. He tried really hard to breathe through his nose. He really hoped his face was staying a normal colour. Nothing had even happened yet. Those were just words. 

“Well… I mean, yeah, that’s what the… top thing would imply.”

“Anal fingering.” Buck listed.

Eddie nodded, arms folded over his chest tightly, aiming for calm. 

“Making out.”

“Mmhmm.” Eddie couldn’t quite look at his eyes, instead focusing on the birthmark above his eyebrow. 

“I deserve to be wined and dined, baby.” He grinned, “Crack.”

Eddie’s brain cracked too. “Crack?” He asked, brows furrowing. “What does that mean? Like… we’re on drugs? Or like… an ass crack?”

“I… don’t actually know. I’m guessing an ass crack. Next one is crack treated seriously.”

“Oh! So it’s like— it’s like a PSA against drugs then?” Eddie asked, glad their fans at least had the right ideas about some parts of them. 

“Fluff.” Buck read next. Then paused, “Maybe that’s like… our hair or something. Like it’s fluffy.”

Eddie frowned, “I… Huh. I don’t know what that is either.”

“Sex.”

“Duh.”

“Smut.”

“... I don’t know what that is.”

“Eddie,” Buck groaned, “That one is easy. It’s like… girl porn. Like Fifty Shades of Grey or something. Like, bodice rippers.”

“Oh.” Eddie nodded, “I was thinking of the one where someone gets murdered.”

“That’s snuff, you idiot.” Buck grinned, and some feeling of normalcy calmed in his stomach again. It was Buck. It was him and Buck. They were fine. They could do anything and they would be fine. “Oneshot.”

“Oneshot…” Eddie repeated, “Is that like… the money shot?”

Buck shrugged, “Or like backshots, maybe, I don’t know.”

“Right.”

“Bottom Buck Buckley.”

“Okay.”

“Buck tries to be a top for forty-five seconds and fails.” Buck read, then sighed. “Look. Being the bottom is fine. I’m fine with that. But what do you mean I failed? That’s just rude. I wouldn’t fail. I know how to top.”

“Well, that just seems mean,” Eddie agreed with a nod, “How did he fail?” He looked into the camera, “Give him a few minutes at least.”

“Of topping you?” Buck asked, and Eddie sighed.

“Things just keep coming out of my mouth, Buck, please help.”

“Because I love you, I’m not going to make fun of you about what you just said, but just know that I could.” 

Eddie dropped his head against his mic, banging it softly, which led Buck to sticking his hand between Eddie and the mic, cushioning the smack.

“Stop that, you can’t fail at topping me if you’re dead.” He cleared his throat, “Last tag. No beta, we die like BuckTommy.”

Eddie’s brows lifted, looking over at Buck curiously. “Wait, huh? Does that— does that mean we’re both Alpha Males or something?” His nose wrinkled at the idea, “Wait, why is Tommy involved in this? No offence, but I’m not topping you with Tommy present.”

Buck shrugged, “Well, no, it seems like maybe Tommy’s… dead in this universe?”

“Dead… in this…” Eddie huffed awkwardly, “Oh. Right. Yeah. Okay. No Tommy. Sure.”

“I mean, we could have just been broken up, he doesn’t need to be… anyway.”

Buck cleared his throat, “Okay, so. It’s called ‘Not Rugged Enough’.”

“Oh god.”

“So.” He began to read, “Buck was watching Eddie out of the corner of his eyes, waiting for the right moment to bring up the topic that had been bothering him all day.”

“Starting off strong, you are usually waiting to talk to me about something.” Eddie butt in with a little mirth in his voice.

“‘So,’ Buck starts, leaning close to Eddie, ‘you don’t think I’m your type, huh? Not hot enough for you?’ Eddie looks up at him, rolling his eyes. That sounds right too. You’re always rolling your eyes at me. ‘Buck, you literally started this. You’re the one who said I wasn’t rugged enough for you. I just agreed.’ Buck pouts at Eddie, leaning in a little closer. ‘So? You should be grateful for what you have.’” 

Eddie looked up at Buck as he read, his cheeks already warm even though Eddie had no idea where exactly it was going. 

The problem was that he could picture it. It was nothing, and he could picture it. Buck leaning closer to him on Eddie’s couch, putting on his big-eyed pout. He could see that. And he was scared of what else he was going to be able to visualise. And what that meant for him. 

“‘I am grateful for what I have,’ Eddie answers with a smile, reaching for Buck’s hand and squeezing it. ‘Even if what I have thinks I’m not rugged enough.’ Buck smiles at Eddie, getting right up into his face and pushing him back until he’s laying on the couch. Buck climbs over him, holding Eddie down but not kissing him. ‘It’s just that I’m bigger than you, Eds. All over.’”

Eddie choked on absolutely nothing, covering his mouth to assuage the coughs that had escaped him. Because, once again, he was fucking seeing it. He could see Eddie laying back on the couch, could see Buck crouched over him, could see the smirk on his face and the pink of his lips and— oh, God, if he looked at Buck again, he was going to lose his mind.

“Buck leans down to kiss Eddie, soft at first, gentle. He’s being teasing about it, trying to make sure Eddie wants him before he lets any of it happen. ‘You might be bigger than me,’ Eddie begins, ‘but that doesn’t mean I can’t take you.’”

Eddie swallowed hard, eyes falling to the ground. Because they’d had a similar conversation before. Where Buck had told Eddie that he could still take him. Asked if Eddie wanted to go for the title. God, he was going to scream. 

“‘So take me.’ Buck says, not even a little surprised when Eddie flips them over and plasters their lips together, their kiss more heated, more desperate. Buck moans quietly into his mouth, his legs parting so that Eddie can lay comfortably between them.”

“Jesus Christ.” Eddie muttered, grabbing the bottle of water on the floor beside his chair, uncapping it and taking several large swigs, like maybe he could drown out the embarrassment. Like maybe it would quench the heat burning in his chest and in his cheeks. 

“Jesus Christ indeed.” Buck answered, and Eddie realised he was a little flushed too. At least Eddie wasn’t alone in that, but Buck was doing a much better job at keeping himself contained one way or another. “‘Like this?’ Eddie asks, pushing his hand up under Buck’s shirt and across his soft, tattooed skin. His hands work their way up to Buck’s pecs, and—” Buck cut himself off with a giggle, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth.

“What? Is it… getting to be a lot?” Eddie asked, a little terrified, but also ashamed to admit he’d been a little invested at that point. 

Buck shrugged, “You doing okay?”

“Oh my god, we’re just kissing, Buck, it’s fine.”

Buck’s eyes narrowed slightly at him, but he just went on talking. 

He cleared his throat, “—and begin to play with Buck’s nipples, pulling a needy whine out of him. ‘Is this how you want me to take you?’ Eddie asks, his lips moving to Buck’s neck, kissing him sloppily and hungrily. ‘Do you like it when I—’” Buck cut himself off again with a little cough, before pushing through. “‘Do you like it when I play with your tits?’” 

Buck’s skin was splotched with pink, his birthmark standing out even brighter somehow, eyes averted away from Eddie. He stared at the phone like he could hide behind it, and Eddie hadn’t quite realised that he was staring directly into Buck’s face until Buck glanced up. He felt like he had to look away, had to avoid his eyes. 

Because when Buck’s eyes met his, Eddie realised he’d been picturing that too. He realised that he’d been picturing climbing over Buck and laying down on him, That he’d been picturing actually touching him that way, actually hearing Buck make those sounds. 

Oh boy, it was making him feel things. He shifted awkwardly in his spot, trying to figure out what he was feeling. He was feeling confused. Almost intoxicated on the awkwardness of it all. Or the image of it all. Or the embarrassment of Buck’s flushed and half smiling face.

Buck giggled a little, and Eddie giggled a little back, and then they were both laughing because what else could they do? For everything Buck was having to read out loud, what the hell else could he do?

“Did you— did you answer?” Eddie asked through his giggles, glad that the tension had been broken at least a little. God, the author hadn’t wasted any time on getting into the part they actually wanted to talk about. 

“‘Yeah, just like that,” Buck moans.” He looked at Eddie, giving him an awkward and playful smile. “Eddie smirks at Buck’s reactions, rolling his hips down into Buck’s and sighing in relief when he feels Buck’s half-hard co—” 

They both paused for a moment, Buck’s face so bright red that it faded down from his cheeks right into his chest. Even his hands looked a little flushed red. Eddie’s eyes were caught on those too, and he forced himself to look back to Buck’s face. 

Immediately, that was a mistake, because Buck met his eyes and they both giggled again, a little terror creeping into their voices. 

“Just power through, honey.” Eddie told him, shaking his head. 

“He feels Buck’s half-hard cock against his own. Dear god. ‘Stop teasing me,’ Buck says, one of his hands leaving scratches down Eddie’s back, the other hand moving down to squeeze at his round ass.” 

“Oh.”

“Your round ass.” Buck told him, a grin pulling at his lips.

“Don’t.”

“They’re right, you do have a dumptruck.”

“Buck, please, I beg of you—”

Buck was grinning, wide and shit-eating, and Eddie was so glad he was reading this with Buck and not alone, because Buck found a way to make it funny instead of just awkward, and Eddie really needed that. He was sure on his own, he’d be losing his mind. 

“What? I didn’t bring up your round booty. The fanfiction author did. Apparently I’m touching it.” His broad grin was hard to resist, and Eddie had to cover his face because he knew he was too red to be described as more human than lobster at this point in time. 

“Well, guess you're just lucky then.” Eddie grumbled, trying for anything besides shy and awkward, even if that was what he felt inside.

Buck stared at his phone for a few moments, “It's a lot of, uh, grinding and stuff. And um, dirty talk.”

“Oh.” Eddie was a little shy at the prospect. It wasn't like he'd ever been super comfortable with talking in bed. Partly because he never knew what to say?

Like, what would he do, trying to look at a girl all sexy and tell her he wanted to fuck her real good or some shit? Fucking embarrassing. May as well just jump out a window, actually. 

“You ask me if I want you to, um, take me already.” Buck summarised as he scrolled, “And then you kiss my birthmark, then my nose, then my lips, and then you start, um, kissing down my body. Eddie pulls Buck's shirt up, bunching it around his shoulders so that he can pay attention to Buck's body with his mouth. He licks at his tits, then kisses his abdomen, his lightning scars — you know, fun fact, those are called Lichtenberg Scars, and I don't actually have them anymore, because they fade after—”

“Buck, as adorable as this is, somehow I don't think the people writing about me licking your…” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely to Buck's chest, “care about the medical accuracy of your scars.” 

“You don't know that,” Buck defended, “Maybe they already knew and they just liked the aesthetic of you kissing my scars because you love me so much.”

Eddie scoffed, “Well, in that case, they could use any number of your real scars, you have plenty.”

Buck grinned, “What's gayer, do you think? Kissing my birthmark and my scars or just outright giving me a blowjob?”

“Oh, definitely the scars, man.” He said with certainty, shaking his head. “Sucking your dick? Doesn't have to mean anything. Kissing your scars and birthmarks that make you you? That's love.”

Buck started to laugh, visibly amused by Eddie's comments, and Eddie started looking. He looked at Buck's birthmark, pink splotches above his eye and above his eyebrow. He knew what it looked like, of course, he knew all of Buck, inside out and back to front.

He knew that little piece of hair that always curled above his right eyebrow, the one right on the corner of his hairline. The blue of his eyes, sometimes so light they almost looked a little grey, icy on the insides and darker on the outsides. 

His eyelashes, long but fair, hard to see until they hit the light, when they seemed to glow and frame him golden. How he looked like some sun god when they did, vibrant and sunkissed.

His lips, the same dark pink as his birthmark, darker than one might think against skin so pale. They only got pinker when he blushed, or when he worked out. When he exerted himself.

He wondered, almost by accident, whether that meant they would be darker when he had sex, pinned down like in the story, sweating and flushed and gloriously pink.

“‘Have I ever told you how much I love looking at you?’ Eddie asks, running his tongue along Buck's skin while he waits to elaborate. ‘You're so beautiful, Buck. Everyone sees how I look at you, but I can't help myself.’”

Eddie's eyes snapped away from Buck's face then, squeezing closed for a moment as he tried to get a hold of himself.

Buck noticed.

“Hey, are you doing okay? We can stop if—”

“No, it's fine. Keep going.”

“Buck moans, his praise kink always so apparent like this. Eddie knows he's weak for being called pretty, and he uses it to his advantage. When Buck's moaning gets louder still, he pulls Buck's pants down, boxers and sweatpants all in one go. It's true that Buck's bigger than him, and Eddie loves having Buck—”

Buck's breathing hitched, unable to meet Eddie's eyes. He was laughing, a bit nervous, like he was scared Eddie would panic.

“Just keep going, man, we're getting through it. It isn't that long, right?”

Buck shook his head, but obliged, “Eddie loves having Buck inside him. It's just that Eddie also loves hearing Buck whimper, and the best way to draw those sounds out of him is to hold him down, stretch him open, and fuck him until he cries.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Eddie mumbled, suddenly feeling like he was ten degrees hotter than he should be. His stomach twisted in a way so unfamiliar that Eddie briefly wondered if he was about to be sick.

But no, it wasn't entirely unpleasant, just… odd. Like he was itching, but he didn't know what for. Or why. He wanted to… do something, but he didn't know what. He didn't know how. All he knew was that his body was reacting one way or another, and it wasn't all panic.

“Eddie gets the lube quicker than he maybe should. Another day, he'd stretch this out. Tease Buck. Make sure he was really desperate and pathetic. But not this day. This day, Eddie is feeling hungry. He's seen a lot of comments under the video where Eddie had mentioned Buck being called ‘firehose’, and even though he knows Buck is his and his alone, he gets a little possessive when it comes to someone else wanting him. He wantsBuck to remember who makes his firehose leak.”

Buck's voice had cracked a little towards the end. He was flushed and fidgeting, reaching for his own water and taking several large gulps like he'd just left the Sahara. Eddie couldn't blame him, he felt much the same way.

Had people been hitting on Buck since the Firehose comment? It made sense, he supposed, he'd practically told the internet Buck was well endowed. He felt a little stab of betrayal at himself for having shared that knowledge, and had to remind himself that that was silly. Buck wasn't his anyway, and he was straight. Buck's firehose didn't concern him. 

Buck was the one with the possessive streak, the one who'd nearly broken Eddie's ankle because he was jealous over Tommy. 

And hell, Eddie had forgiven him for that pretty much instantly, because it was Buck, and Eddie loved everything, even the most jagged edges, about him.

But now, thinking about it, Eddie felt a stab of… something. Annoyance? Irritation? 

The thought of Buck going to such lengths to get anyone's attention felt incorrect, and now that he was thinking about it, maybe it always had felt incorrect. 

“Do you need to switch?” Eddie asked, offering a hand to take the phone. At least if he was reading then he couldn't be staring at Buck and having confusing thoughts. 

Buck nodded, letting Eddie take the phone from him.

“As soon as Eddie inserts a finger into Buck, Buck's already writhing. He's always reactive, and Eddie always loves it.” This, Eddie realised instantly, had been a giant mistake. Now he's stuck reading this thing out, written from his point of view, to his best friend, who fictional him is currently lusting over. But he knew Buck would get all guilty and awkward if Eddie showed any discomfort, so he tried to push on.

He told himself it was normal to be invested in this, because it was supposedly him, and he had a right to know what people thought about him. That was all.

He could feel Buck's eyes on him, and he pressed on.

“It doesn't take Eddie long to ready Buck for another finger, and then another, and he's glad he kept Buck laying in place, because he loves watching the way he reacts. The way he moves. ‘Still think I'm not rugged enough for you?’ Eddie asks, gliding his forefinger along the sensitive inside of Buck's—’”

He coughed, looking away from the phone for a moment. 

He kept going, but skipped the end of the paragraph. The idea of finding Buck's— of touching him like that, it made his whole body feel hot and tingly, and he didn't recognise the feeling. The way it made him unable to stay still properly.

“It's hard for him to resist Buck like this, all he wants to do is bury himself inside and listen to the pretty sounds Buck makes. But first, he needs to ask Buck some questions. Buck always gets too keyed up to answer properly, but that isn't the point. ‘Who do you belong to?’ Eddie asks, because he needs to hear Buck say it. He needs the reminder that even if Buck jokes about not being Eddie's, and even if he jokes about Eddie not being his type, he is Eddie's. Buck's moan is loud and desperate when he assures that he's Eddie's, and Eddie decides to take pity on him.

He pulls his fingers out and— Jesus, Buck, I'm not sure I can read this out loud. Not in detail at least, I… I fuck you, and you get a bit mouthy because you're a brat and want me to go harder. Which, like, I do, I guess.” Eddie didn't know when his pants started to feel so tight. He couldn't look at Buck, he couldn't. “I, uh, I leave marks all over you, because I'm really jealous. You, uh, you… y'know, finish all over yourself. And then I also… you know, on you, because I guess I'm freaky like that?” 

He laughed nervously, and Buck laughed nervously right back, and it was hard to do anything except just… sort of avoid each other’s eyes. Because if Eddie looked at Buck right then, he was going to see his best friend furiously blushing. And that, that was enough.

But he was also going to see everything he’d just pictured. 

Buck beneath him on his couch. 

Buck whimpering and unable to speak properly.

Oh, fuck, he needed to get the hell out of that room.

“So, that was a lot.” Buck began casually, tapping his hands against the desk in front of him. Eddie might have jumped a little, but he needed to pretend he hadn’t, for the sake of feeling… normal. “Weird to imagine it, huh?”

So… was Buck imagining it too? Was he imagining Eddie hovering over him, with his hand stretched down between Buck’s legs, trying to draw lewd sounds out of him so that he could swallow them down and—

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded. “Super weird. Kinda feel like I need a shower or something now.”

Buck grinned, “A cold one?” He asked, a little teasingly. 

“Oh, ha-ha.” Eddie deadpanned, avoiding his eyes like he might somehow catch gay off him. Which was ridiculous. Of course it was. If Eddie was going to become gay being around Buck, it would have surely happened already. The thought made him feel a little panicky somehow. It wasn’t like being gay would be a bad thing anyway, right? Or something he could catch. He wasn’t homophobic.

This reaction wasn’t homophobia. It was just… he was just…

“Have you ever thought about it?” Buck asked, casually enough, taking another sip of water. 

“What? Having sex with you? No, dude.” That… was true. Before the fanfiction.

Well, kind of true. There had been a few dreams, but it wasn’t like he could control that. That wasn’t the same as thinking about it. 

“I meant kissing boys in general, but that wasn’t a very convincing reaction.” Buck was teasing him, trying to be normal about things. Eddie could hear it in his voice, his best friend’s attempts to make things seem totally normal and casual again, as if this was just something that they talked about all the time.

As it happened, they hadn’t. Eddie wasn’t sure he ever actually had directly told Buck he was straight, but back when they’d met, they had both sort of just assumed that they both were and that had been enough. Nowadays, he knew Buck still assumed he was straight, but Eddie… supposed it was a fair question.

“Uh, no.” He answered, shaking his head. “I mean, yes. I’ve thought about kissing guys before. Hasn’t everyone at least, like, considered it, at some point? Just to like, make sure they know what they want?”

Buck blinked, shrugging, “I mean… I’m probably not the best example, seeing as I actually am bisexual. But before I started being with men, not… really? I mean, it’s not that I didn’t look or anything, I just didn’t question it. Even when I did stuff with them, I didn’t really question it.”

“Wait, woah.” Eddie leaned forward, his thoughts momentarily forgotten as he managed to drag himself back into the present. “I thought— I thought all this was your first with—”

Buck nodded, smiling a little. “Well, yeah. Like, consciously. It’s totally stupid, man, but I did actually hook up with a few guys before. I just, like, in my head it was just a regular bro thing, y’know? Like, yeah, sometimes you just want someone else to— to— get the job done. And it doesn’t have to mean anything. I thought it was normal. Until, y’know, I realised I was just around other confused men.”

Eddie blinked and, insanely, found himself wanting to ask why, if Buck did these things with friends, he’d never wanted to with Eddie.

Not that that made any sense. Eddie wouldn’t be doing that. Eddie didn’t like men.

“Well, I… cannot say that I relate to that.” Eddie admitted with an awkward laugh. They met each others’ eyes, and it took a long moment for Buck to start giggling about it, and then Eddie to join in.

This, he thought, was what he loved about Buck. No matter how awkward something was, it never got so awkward that they couldn’t still be them. That Buck couldn’t still make him laugh with just the silly sound of his own laughter, and the brightness of his dimpled smile. His happiness was kind of intoxicating.

“So, we are… probably not the prime candidates to talk about this then.” Buck said, still laughing, and Eddie shook his head too. 

“Oh wait, there’s another bit at the end of this fanfiction.” Eddie said, looking down at the phone still gripped in his sweaty palm, glad Buck had his phone set to not fading down too quickly, because he figured it was only fair to read out an author’s note at the end, since they were reading out their work. Even if their work had given him some… problems he was going to have to deal with later. “It says ‘Before anyone gets up my ass for writing Bottom Buck, just know that I fully believe there is nothing these two freaks wouldn’t do to each other, that’s why I write them both vers’.” 

Oh. So Eddie should have read it before instinctively reading it out to Buck.

But Buck, ever amused by things that made Eddie nervous, burst into bright laughter.

“You know, I appreciate the conviction.” Buck told him easily, shaking his head like the whole thing was hilarious. “I mean, I don’t personally have a problem with people writing stuff like this about me… I’m probably never going to read it again though. No offence. It’s just like… a lot. Y’know? To read about someone you actually know… y’know, doing that to you is. A lot. Eddie?”

“That. A lot.” He agreed, clearing his throat roughly. “I, uh, feel the same way. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own, um, archive is fine. I just, y’know, probably don’t need to see it.”

—

The thing was, that was a total fucking lie.

Because it had been two days since Buck and Eddie read the fanfiction about them fucking on his couch and he hadn’t been able to so much as look at his couch since.

He also wasn’t entirely proud of how many times he’d gotten off since then, but that was a separate issue. Obviously not caused by the fanfiction. 

Because that would mean that Eddie was into it. And Eddie was not into it. Eddie had a perfectly normal bodily reaction to hearing people talk about sex a lot. Eddie’s body had a perfectly normal reaction.

He was reading out third person sex about himself, after all, it would be weird not to have some reaction. 

And everything since, well, that was a coincidence, he was sure. 

So when he started… looking for links to more through the twitter he never used, that was surely a totally normal response too. Who wouldn’t be curious to know what people were saying about them?

He found that there was largely a pretty even mix. Of who was doing what to who.

He found that there were certain things that seemed to pop up all the time.

Buck being a brat who wanted praise.

Him being possessive and a bit pathetic. 

And it was… hard not to think about it.

It was hard, when he got into a warm shower, with his thoughts intruding on him like sun peeking through his blinds on a summer morning, not to get… well, hard. 

Because he’d be standing there, trying to be calm, trying to be okay, trying not to touch himself to the thought of his best friend, and those words would break through his thoughts again. 

The image of Buck, all laid out on his couch with his shirt pushed up, all that warm, freckled skin, adorned with his pretty paintings, under his lips. Buck’s hands on his chest, on his back, on his ass. 

The big, warm hands that had dug through solid, packed mud trying to get to him, that had kept his heart beating when he’d been shot, touching him because Buck wanted to, not because he needed to.

The idea of being allowed to touch Buck too, and not because the world was ending or because he couldn’t bear to let Buck die in front of him, but instead… to make his heart race. To make him moan or sigh or whimper, like the story had put into his mind. 

He wasn’t sure he’d ever consciously considered it before, but suddenly it was all he could think about. In the shower, alone in his bed, even just casually sitting on his couch. 

Suddenly he consumed every word that he could find about them. Suddenly, he found himself constantly fighting that urgent, skin prickling feeling that he’d had reading the story out with Buck on the show. It was actually embarrassing, he hadn’t been so active since he was a fucking teenager.

Eddie might be oblivious, largely by his own design, but he was also fully aware that that wasn’t exactly normal for a straight guy. It was getting harder to ignore how un straight it was for him to constantly be thinking about his best friend’s body. Or face. 

The thing was, every time he saw Buck now, he was hit with the undeniable urge to touch him in some way. Not just sexually, either, he kept reading about himself kissing Buck’s birthmark and it had really stuck. Suddenly, he wanted to know what it would be like to kiss it.

Buck would be sitting at the firehouse table chatting to Chim and Hen, and Eddie was just looking at it. It would be no different than kissing anywhere else on Buck, he supposed, but he hadn’t done that either. 

Kissing Buck was a revelatory thought, but not one he could entirely let go of.

And if it was just sexual, that would be one thing. 

He could handle having some kind of new sexuality thing, he guessed, it was the fact that it was Buck that was troubling. 

Because Buck made up about half of his entire life. He was his best friend in both kinds of work that he did. He was his partner in both too. He was important as hell to Eddie’s son and… 

Eddie didn’t know he had a possessive streak.

But suddenly, the mention of Buck dating or being with someone else had him reeling, annoyance coursing through his veins. And the weird part was that Eddie suspected it might always have been there, under his skin, waiting for him to pay attention to it.

Hadn’t he always hated Abby? Taylor? Natalia? Hadn’t he even hated Tommy in the end? 

Their breakup had been fairly amicable, all things considered, despite Buck’s stress baking, but Eddie was still restraining himself from calling Tommy and cursing at him for being a fucking idiot. Not that he wanted Tommy to change his mind.

It was all a bit terrifying, because when he’d told Buck that him being gay would explain a few things, he hadn’t meant it seriously. Except… it kind of explained a few things.

For a start, Eddie had apparently rediscovered what it was to be horny, which was a bit of a joke, as a thirty-two year old man. But the feeling was so foreign it was almost unrecognisable, and if he was being honest, it had never been like this before. With Ana or Shannon or Marisol, it had always felt kind of like a means to an end. His girlfriend was there, and he was pent up, and she was clearly trying to get his attention, so Eddie followed the procedure. He made sure he would get her off, like it was a science, and then he would make sure he got off. Like it was a science.

Like the girl, whoever she was, was fairly incidental to the event. He hadn’t even realised that was odd until he became aware that he was now getting horny because of Buck, not just… around him. 

Because all of a sudden, it was inescapable. 

Buck working out. 

Buck giving him that teasing smile, smacking his shoulder playfully as he walked by.

Buck changing into his uniform in their locker room.

At one point he’d heard Buck’s laugh from a distance while he was in the shower and gotten a hard-on. 

It was becoming a genuine issue, and he wasn’t sure if he was going through second puberty or having some kind of breakdown. 

The main thing he knew was that even if he could deal with the sexual side of it all by his lonesome, the emotional side was going to be hard to hide.

For a start, Eddie had no idea what came out of his mouth when they did that podcast. He just said things. 

Buck just said things too, but Buck was almost clinically shameless, and Eddie had more shame than he knew what to do with. 

Blissfully, none of the 118 had been teasing them about the episode, almost certainly because they’d all tapped out when it got too sexual. Even Chimney, whose greatest joy was to make fun of them, hadn’t been doing so. 

Eddie had reminded him in a stern voice that Buck was his brother-in-law, and there were some things he just didn’t want to know, and he was glad that had held his friends at bay.

So he was shocked when, a full week after the podcast airing, someone did bring it up to him.

Someone being, horribly, painfully, cruelly, Taylor fucking Kelly.

He didn’t even know she still had his number, it had been years. 

Her name was followed by that purple devil emoji, the frowny one. Eddie rarely ever gave people personalised contacts. He had really hated Taylor Kelly.

Taylor Kelly: Going to take a wild guess that I’m the firefly that drained Buck?

Eddie Diaz: I meant Abby, but sure, if the shoe fits

Taylor Kelly: HA!

Taylor Kelly: Fair enough

Taylor Kelly: You’ve seen it now though, right?

Eddie Diaz: dunno what you mean

Taylor Kelly: Oh, don’t be a baby, Eddie, I saw your face in that video

Taylor Kelly: It’s kind of a relief. If I wasn’t such an angel, I would have told you and ruined your life quite a few years ago.

Eddie Diaz: … angel is a stretch, taylor

Taylor Kelly: That’s the joke, Eddie.

Taylor Kelly: Anyway, what are you going to do about it?

Eddie Diaz: why do u care?

Taylor Kelly: Perhaps ill-advisedly, I still care about him, Eddie. We obviously weren’t meant to work out, and that’s fine, but watching you two has been like watching the world’s longest and dumbest soap opera, and it’s time to just get on with it.

Eddie Diaz: why are you contacting me and not him?

Eddie Diaz: do you want him back or something??

Taylor Kelly: He’s not the one who had a very obvious gay awakening on camera, Eddie.

Taylor Kelly: And no, I have a girlfriend, because I actually have game and know gay feelings when I see them. Get with the program.

Taylor Kelly: Go watch some old clips or something. See if you can see what everyone else does. 

And — perhaps ill-advisedly, in Taylor’s words — Eddie did. 

He scrolled through tiktok after tiktok, watched clip after clip of the two of them.

‘Funny Moments’ compilations that were both of them doing silly things.

The time Buck had completely casually used the word ‘ass blender’, and that wasn’t the weirdest part, because he’d pronounced it like ‘blendaw’, like it was baby talk, and not even heard himself. Eddie’s laugh had been the wheeze of a man so tickled pink by the comment that he’d basically fallen into Buck’s side, his laugh loud and more real than he usually heard it. Even coming from himself, he could hear the difference between that laugh and his regular kind. 

Buck had eventually explained that he was getting too used to using baby talk with Jee-Yun, and Eddie had been giving him shit about it ever since. They hadn’t said ‘blender’ normally in months.

He couldn’t keep from looking at the comments, and they were about what he expected.

@Firesuds: actually embarrassing the way eddie looks at him like he just said the cutest thing in the world and not something so embarrassing and cringe

@buddiesjinx: are they ever not touching??? Fr???

The next one, one of the ones he saw the most, was the fucking pop-tarts. The one where Eddie asked Buck his favourite pop-tarts, and when he said strawberry, Eddie complained until Buck screamed that it was actually the two-thousand-two-tie-in-merch-pop-tarts-that- came-out-for-the-spiderman-movie-look-it-up-bitch. And then they were both screaming about who was pretentious and who was boring and the whole thing was so horribly fond and so ridiculous that Eddie felt a surge of love. 

Eddie had grown up so… boring. He had grown up being an adult before he was ready, having to be the man of the house before he was even really a boy. He had grown up not really having fun, and then he was a soldier and a father and a husband and a firefighter and fun wasn’t really part of his life.

But he watched the clips of him and Buck and it was all he could see. Fun. 

The two of them laughing so hard they wheezed, occasionally laughing so hard they fell off things or started crying. He watched and he saw what Taylor saw. He saw how Eddie looked at Buck like he was the moon in the sky, changing the tides and lighting the darkest nights. 

Eddie wondered if maybe, that was Buck for him.

Because yeah, Buck had saved his life before, but not just physically. Buck was also the one who turned up when Eddie was having a PTSD episode. Buck was the one who had turned up when Christopher saw Kim. Buck was the one who turned up when the sky was falling, and he was the one who laughed with him when it was blue and clear. 

Buck was also the one who had made Eddie understand what actual desire felt like, and it was ridiculous to say that, given he had a son and a wife and a life before Buck, but it felt like knowing him had woken up something new. Or maybe forced him to accept something new.

He had no way of knowing if it would be the same in practice as it felt in theory, but… it felt so different in theory.

Now that he was thinking about it, everything felt so different about Buck. 

@hypersonicfilm: honestly i dont even know what they’re talking about anymore, but it’s very gay

And, honestly, Eddie was finding it really hard to even argue with that anymore.

The next one, as Eddie scrolled, was just a compilation of the two of them playing word associations. And it wasn’t even like Eddie didn’t remember this, because it had been a running bit for ages, but he couldn’t help rewatching it because now that he’d realised, everything looked… different. The lenses seemed different. 

“Okay.” Eddie began. “More?”

“Bitch.” Buck answered casually.

“More… bitch?” Eddie repeated, amused. “Okay, gay.”

“Me.”

“Yeah, that checks out.”

It cut to Buck asking Eddie next.

“Christmas.”

“Tt.” Eddie just made a sound. LIke he couldn’t find a word. It was sort of embarrassing, but it was also… normally when he watched these clips, he found himself watching himself, wondering if he should be embarrassed, but he was watching Buck instead. Buck and his fond little smiles and his bright personality and—

“Home.”

“Frrrr.” 

Buck barked a bright, hysterical laugh, tipping his head back. “What is wrong with you? You’re never this speechless.”

“I don’t know,” Eddie was laughing, “I really don’t. It’s just— it just happens.”

He opened the comments. 

@torturedbuckley: anyone noticed eddie always get tongue tied when he’s looking at Buck? Or is that just me?

Eddie scrolled.

“Do you miss me when I’m not around?” Buck had his head in his hand again, looking at Eddie with a shit-eating little smile, knowing what he was about to start.

“Oh my god, Buck.” Eddie shook his head, “Enough with this, man. How could I miss you?”

Buck gasped, all drama and big arm movements as he leaned back. “How dare you?”

“Enough,” Eddie said again, rolling his eyes, “How can I miss you, you’re always around? People have to leave to miss them! I literally don’t remember the last time I went twenty-four hours without seeing you!”

“I do.” Buck argued, waving a hand and shaking his head, “It was only like four days ago, when I had that appointment about the chronic pain in my knee and you picked up an extra shift and—”

“Buck. Evan. Please.” He said with a sigh. “I see you every single day. We do two different jobs together.”

Buck scrunched his face up dramatically. “Oh my god, miss me, bitch. Say it back. I miss you.” 

“You’re literally sitting centimetres away from me.”

“Oh my god, it’s not about when you were last with me, Eddie, you should miss me all the time!”

Eddie wheezed out another laugh, “Do you miss me all the time?”

“Yes, obviously. You’ll miss me when I’m gone one day.”

“Jesus Christ, enough.” The clip cut on both of them giggling, their hands reaching out to each other in some weird little ritual they seemed to do after every play argument. 

@agentmurtsegway: anyone else think eddie just does this so buck will talk about how much he misses him??

It hurt a little how accurate that was. And worse, that he truly didn’t know he was doing it. 

The next clip, which honestly hard to watch, was Buck — for some reason Eddie genuinely couldn’t recall — trying to reach his fingers down his throat and then being visibly shocked when it kept going. 

Eddie remembered that day, it hadn’t been too long before Buck came out as bisexual actually. Huh.

It took a while, but when Buck hit his gag reflex, the noise he made was so loud and intuitive and weird that the two of them both laughed so hard they were nearly sliding off their chairs. Buck fully knocked over his microphone stand, and they both laughed so wildly that Eddie could almost feel how much his stomach had been hurting at the time. 

“What was that?” Eddie wheezed out, his voice barely intelligible through all of his laughter. “You have no gag reflex!”

Buck shook his head, his face red from laughing so hard, “No, I do, it’s just— it’s back there.” 

Eddie was honestly afraid to look at the comments.

@_themadsbuckley: you think they tested that shit out later?

@weirdplotchoice: look at my firefighters bro im gonna die

@par_snaps: show?

@bucksl1ghtn1ng: @par_snaps no

@bucksl1ghtn1ng: @par_snaps this is for your own good

The next clip was one of Eddie’s genuine favourites. He remembered the warmth he'd felt for Buck that day. How funny he'd found the exasperated little sighs and grumbles he let out.

“I'm just saying, I know martial arts, I could totally take a moose.”

“Eddie,” Buck looked genuinely huffy about it, “They can weigh up to one and a half thousand pounds, Eddie. Fifteen hundred!”

“So? I'm super strong and way smarter than a moose.” Eddie couldn't fight the shit eating grin on his face, absolutely enamoured with Buck's annoyance, his obsession with his fun facts too much to bear. 

“They can run like, fifty-six kilometres in an hour! And they swim faster than us by a ton too!”

Eddie scoffed, teasing, “Why are you talking in kilometres, what are you, European?”

“The site I was reading was in— Eddie! You could not fight a moose. It's important to me that you know that you could not fight a moose.” 

Eddie leaned in a little closer. “I could. You know what else I could fight? A hippo.”

He knew what he was doing. He knew hippos were one of Buck's favourites, one of his biggest fascinations. He knew Buck would be dying to tell him how wrong he was.

“Eddie, no!” Buck groaned, “Hippos are assholes, they kill people for fun! They're made up of muscle and hate, man, they weigh like ten thousand pounds. Literally! They can run like fifteen miles an hour too! And they don't even swim, they run on the bottom of the ocean because they're so heavy! And they're still fast enough to catch travelling boats! They just want us dead for existing, you could not fight one of those.”

“I definitely could,” Eddie argued fondly. “Just give me some time to limber up and a gun, I'm good to go.”

“Eds, hippos have higher kill rates when they attack than lions or sharks! Eighty-seven percent of people who try to fight them die! Eighty-seven! Sharks are only like, twenty-five!”

“Well, yeah, but I could fight them too.”

“What?” His eyes were big, leaning forward and poised to argue with him. “Eddie, I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are, but I have to or it's going to kill me so—”

@bishops_hawkeye: aww hes like a preschooler tugging a girl's pigtail

Eddie watched and watched and watched and watched and every clip he saw felt like a revelation. Like seeing it all over again for the first time. Watching Buck argue that he would fight for a shark's life even if it bit his arm off was somehow the cutest thing he’d ever seen, despite how ridiculous it was. Watching the two of them bicker about who had the nicer butt, only for Buck to immediately acquiesce that he knew it wasn’t him. Watching Eddie scream at a giggling Buck about how he was eating a kit-kat wrong just felt like it warmed him from the inside out, all of the fondness between them. Every stupid time Buck asked Eddie if he missed him, and the few times that Eddie said yes, the way Buck would light up and ask Eddie to say it again. The fondness on Eddie’s face must have given him away, because there was no hiding how much he adored the man in front of him. He watched Buck reading out silly quotes he’d been writing while he was travelling, faux-deep thoughts that he’d written on some bus somewhere that felt like a lot at the time. They were both laughing so hysterically it was almost hard to breathe.

Eddie was seeing it now. 

He was seeing all that fondness, all that joy, all that love, and he realised that being with Buck had given him all of the joy and the childhood and the peace that he hadn’t ever had growing up. That he was younger and freer with Buck than he had ever been, even alone with himself.

He realised that when Father Brian had told him to seek joy, joy had been right there the entire time. Joy had been making him wheeze in front of a microphone for the enjoyment of strangers for months. 

Eddie pulled up a group chat that hadn’t been used in months, not since Buck’s birthday, when they had been planning a surprise party for him. But it was the only one he wasn’t in.

If Eddie was a little more stable, and a little less deliriously horny, he might have thought better of it, but as it was, he just needed someone to confirm to him what was happening.

Eddie: hey guys, am i in love with buck?

Maddie: Yeah?

Chimney: obviously

Hen: gee whiz, i think he’s finally got it

Bobby: I don’t think this is an appropriate use of work resources.

Bobby: Ah, wait, this is Buck’s birthday chat. In that case, yes. - Bobby

Ravi: yeah dude wtf

Karen: oh yay congrats, eddie!

Athena: Pfft.

Well… that was hard to argue with.

Tubbs: hey, weird question, have any of ur exes reached out since the gay fanfiction thing?

Crockett: i think most fanfic is gay??

Crockett: but yeah, actually, how’d you know??

Tubbs: she texted me too

Crockett: wait, she?? 

Tubbs: wait huh? tommy texted you?

Crockett: yeah why? who texted you?

Tubbs: wait why did TOMMY text you???? wtf?????

Tubbs: stop typing and then deleting buck what did tommy want

Tubbs: is this because we read his name in that stupid fanfiction because I swear 

Crockett: dude relax, I was typing 

Crockett: he said listening to us reading that fic made him realise he missed me or something. bunch of squirting emojis and shit too.

Tubbs: wait he butt dialed you?

Crockett: no??? wtf???

Crockett: ohhhh you mean booty called

Crockett: yeah he definitely was doing that

Tubbs: you said no right?

Crockett: haven't answered 

Crockett: weighing my options 

Eddie had already worked out the love and horniness part of it all, but the texts made the final thing click into place in his head. The stupid fans were right.

He was jealous, and whether he said Buck wasn't his type or not, he was lying. He wanted Buck to know that he was his. He wanted Buck to be his.

He wasn't proud exactly, of how quickly he hauled himself into his car and took off towards the loft, but he also couldn't stop it. He'd started the joy journey or whatever, and he'd accidentally stumbled upon it all, right there in front of him, painfully hot and sweet and funny and smart. 

He'd be damned if he was going to let Buck go back to Tommy, even if it was just for a night.

God, since when did the thought make him so mad? 

When he pulled up at Buck's, he left the car in a rush. He basically ran to Buck's loft, knocking on the door loud and fast like Buck might disappear if he didn't get there quickly enough.

“Oh my god, Mrs Webster, I know I said I'd have the gingerbread done by tonight and I—” He cut himself off when he saw Eddie, head tipping to the side like the lost puppy he was at heart. “Eddie? I know I always say I miss you on the show but it's also been less than twelve hours and—”

“Your firehose is my concern.” Eddie blurted, urgently.  

“I… come again?” 

That seemed fair, since Eddie had no idea why that was how he was starting this.

He huffed, “What that story said. That everyone wanted your firehose but it was mine. At the time, I thought— I wondered if people had been hitting on you because of it and I— I told myself it was none of my concern, but it is, it is my concern.”

Buck just blinked at him, looking a bit like he was trying to read Eddie's lips from underwater.

“I have no idea what you're saying to me right now, Eddie.” Buck admitted, beckoning Eddie into the house and shutting the door behind him.

It smelled like baked goods, and there were half wrapped presents all around, and a tree decorated a little too elaborately for someone who lived alone and— 

“You're like hot Santa.” Eddie whispered dumbly.

Buck's eyes narrowed. “Is this a bit? Are you filming me for the show or something?”

“No, I… Buck, I think I'm trying to tell you that I'm really horny for you.” 

Buck, who had half-heartedly returned to his baking, stopped dead, blue eyes flicking to Eddie. He was perfectly still, unmoving, like he wasn't sure if doing the wrong thing would shatter the moment. Eddie wasn't sure either, considering not one single thing that had come out of his mouth made any sense. 

He was trying to tell Buck he was in love with him, not that he was hot for him. Then again, somehow the second thing felt more surprising to Eddie, who had only just become aware that he had been doing attraction wrong in his past relationships.

“I don't mean to repeat myself, but… come again?!”

Eddie swallowed hard. “Something happened to me when we read that fanfiction.” He tried again.

“Did you gaslight yourself into thinking you're into me? Because that fanfiction wasn't real life and—”

“No.” Eddie butted in quickly, shaking his head. “No, I thought so too, at first, but no. Buck, I have been losing my mind. I'm pretty sure I just went through second puberty. It was like you would look at me and I would start imagining things and I—” He sucked in a breath, “Buck, it probably makes me a bad person how much I have thought about you while I—”

Buck dropped the spatula he'd been holding — which had reindeer on it, for some god forsaken reason — and it clattered onto the countertop with a loud noise and a spray of batter. 

“Oh my god, are you coming out to me right now?”

Which… Huh. Eddie supposed he was.

“Tangentially.” 

Buck surged forward to hug Eddie, and Eddie relaxed into it, more than happy to be in Buck's arms, especially after what was only a week and a half of yearning, but felt like a year. 

“Hot Santa.” He repeated with a happy sigh as he played with the string tie of Buck's elf apron, too enamoured with him to really even think straight. It seemed so stupid now. He'd been looking for joy in his life. For love.

Where else would he ever find that except here? In Buck's huge, warm, painfully sexy arms. He felt a little feral, and honestly, that was a revelation too. Was this how Buck felt all the time? Did he have some kind of magic powers over Eddie? 

“Did you hit your head?” Buck asked with a laugh.

“Maybe.” Eddie answered. “Just… please don't go sleep with Tommy. I hate to be a cliche of the fanfiction they write about us, but I will lose my mind.” 

Buck cracked a playful little smile. “I was kidding when I said that. Obviously I wouldn't go back to Tommy.”

Eddie looked into his face. His flushed face. There was flour on his nose and he looked so adorable that Eddie thought he belonged in a rom com. Of course, he'd probably change the genre as soon as he got the hoodie off of Buck, but that wasn't the point.

“Oh, thank god. So can I—?”

Buck leaned down to kiss him first, and it was immediately different. Eddie realised he'd been afraid he was wrong. That it was just the porn writing that had gotten in his head, that he was wrong somehow. It was immediately apparent that that wasn't the case. 

Buck's lips were warm and softer than he thought, but the rest of him wasn't. He felt Buck's strong, solid form beneath his hands. Heard the soft, masculine sigh that Buck let out. He thought about kissing Buck's scars like the fanfiction had mentioned and shivered through his whole body.

He hadn't been wrong at all.

He wanted Buck.

He wanted Buck the same way a plant wanted sun and water.

Buck had clearly been trying for slow, but Eddie was having none of that. Apparently he'd been sexually repressed for thirty-two years without knowing it, and he was ready to be liberated. 

His tongue traced along Buck's lips, not even necessarily seeking entry, just desperate to taste him. To know what Buck's skin felt like beneath his lips and tongue, what it might feel like to have him this way.

Buck gasped, and if his reactions were anything to go by, Eddie wasn't alone, because he felt Buck arch into him, felt strong, capable hands run slow from his shoulders down to his lower back, and tug him in close.

It felt good. It felt so good.

That stupid author had been right, there wasn't anything Eddie didn't want to do with Buck. No way in which he didn't want Buck in that moment. 

“Eddie,” Buck whispered, and oh no, Eddie knew that tone. “Eddie, babe, you only just came out to me. We should take this way slower, make sure you—”

“Buck, it's been seven years, I'm not sure any slower is still counted as moving.”

Buck did crack a little smile at that, but he shook his head. “Right, but maybe you want your first to be someone who isn't—”

“Oh, no, let me be perfectly clear with you here, Buck. I want you. I mean, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, and that's a thing I have to deal with, but that isn't what this is. This is you specifically. I don't just want some guy, I want you. Specifically.”

“But maybe we should start sma—”

“Buck, please. Just take your pants off already, you're killing me.” He hummed, sliding his hands up under Buck’s hoodie, admiring how soft and comfortable he looked, even though what he really wanted was to get Buck naked. “I really don't think you understand. After we read that? I got home, had a shower, and came like I was twenty again thinking about you. And then the next day, I told myself that was embarrassing and weird and I wasn't going to do it again. Only, you were wearing your shirt sleeved shirt at work, and I started thinking about what that fanfiction said about me playing with your tits, and I ended up touching myself, again, thinking about you. And then the next morning, I dreamed that I—”

Buck surged forward, cutting Eddie off with a heated, unrestrained kiss that left Eddie feeling like his whole body was on fire. Both hands went to Eddie's waist, holding him tight against Buck's body, moulding them together in a way that made Eddie's inside burn in the best possible way. 

He wasn't sure he'd ever gotten hard so quickly, and he thought he should probably have some orange juice or something, just in case, but then Buck nipped Eddie's lip into his mouth hotly, and Eddie's mind went totally blank, devoid of anything but the screaming of everything he wanted to do to Buck.

“Bed or couch?” Buck asked into Eddie’s mouth, his hand travelling to Eddie's ass and squeezing harder than Eddie expected, a moan escaping his lips at the thought that Buck wanted him as badly as he wanted Buck.

“I don't care, I'd take the kitchen floor right now,” Eddie whined, and Buck grinned.

“Okay, relax, princess, have some patience.”

And— oh. Eddie wasn't expecting to like that.

But it was the teasing lilt of Buck's voice, the way he punctuated his words with a knead of Eddie's ass cheek and, god, he was so fucking gay.

Buck gathered Eddie back against the kitchen island, detaching from his lips to kiss at Eddie's throat. He was teasing and precise, teeth and tongue and sinful intention.

“Jesus, Buck,” Eddie rambled, forgetting that he'd once said talking during sex was cringey and embarrassing. He didn't even want to talk, words just started escaping him. “I got off grinding into my bed like a fucking teenager to the thought of you whimpering for me.” 

Buck chuckled into his skin, hands finding the hem of Eddie's sweater and pulling it up over his head, leaving him in a t-shirt that Buck had no trouble stripping away too. 

His hands grazed down Eddie’s skin, his shoulders, his pecs, his abdomen, and his lips stayed attached to Eddie's throat, teasing and skilled.

“Keep talking to me. I like your voice.” Buck whispered lowly, and yeah, Buck might be the yapper, but who was Eddie to deny this god among men whatever he wanted? “Tell me more.”

“I've read so much fanfiction,” Eddie mumbled, fully compromised by being painfully horny in a new and terrific way. “Everything I could find. Just to picture it. You and me. God, Buck, some of it I could— I could hear your voice. I could picture you.”

Buck lips trailed lower, leaving little bruises in his wake. 

“Mm,” He hummed into Eddie's skin, “What were your favourite pictures? What do you want to do to me?”

“I wanna fuck your face,” Eddie admitted, then blushed furiously. What was wrong with him?

“Mm?” Buck prompted, not seeming too unhappy with the idea. 

“There were so many fanfictions about— about us experimenting with your crazy gag reflex and I—”

“You want it, babe, you got it.” Buck told him, sinking to his knees and looking up at Eddie with his big blue eyes and his perfect face. Eddie groaned at the sight alone, shaking his head.

“Naked,” He whispered, “I need to see you naked.”

Buck smirked, rising again to make a slow show of stripping his hoodie off, and then the Henley underneath. He pushed his sweatpants down and, god, no underwear.

Eddie's cock twitched in his pants.

Buck returned to his knees, and Eddie couldn't help but think this was hot too. Eddie, still almost totally dressed while Buck was so naked and exposed. So trusting.

He breathed out a moan, and Buck smirked, hands moving to undo Eddie’s belt. He was smooth and quick about it, and a flush of jealousy so bright it could only remind him of the stupid fanfiction coursed through him. He hated to think Buck was good at this because of Tommy, but he was just lucky to have Buck now.

“I want to tease you,” Buck admitted, lips so close to him that Eddie could almost feel his touch, “But I want this more.”

He sunk down on Eddie's dick so fast it had Eddie nearly shouting, a sound he'd never made in bed before. And Eddie, involuntarily, perked his hips forward.

Buck met it, evidently prepared for that response, and took one of Eddie's hands, settling it into Buck's hair and waiting. Waiting for Eddie to… 

He started to rock his hips forward, slow and careful, not wanting to hurt Buck or go too far.

Buck, apparently a consummate professional, let him, blue eyes fixed on Eddie's face, hyperfocused on his lips when he moaned or grunted.

Of course, before long, Eddie was dying for more. To go deeper, to have more. To feel the back of Buck's throat swallowing around him. But there was something else too and—

“Buck?” he whispered, letting Buck pull off with a wet pop at his request. “Will you fuck me?”

Buck's brows raised. “So you are a bottom?”

Eddie shook his head, “There is not one single thing I don't intend to do with you, Buck. Not one. I just… I want this one first.” 

“I'm surprised you didn't want to start with—”

“I've been reading about it.” Eddie admitted, a bit shy, “In the fanfictions and I…” He could feel himself flushing bright, but he couldn't stop. “I want to know what all the fuss is about.”

Buck smirked and nodded, sliding around on his knees to open a bottom drawer and grab a little bottle of lube.

“The kitchen? Really?”

“Didn't hear you complaining.” Buck scoffed, and Eddie watched him open the bottle and slick up his hand and he sighed in, what, desperation? Want? Need?

Had Buck's hands always looked so good?

“I want you to keep going.” Buck whispered, “As much as you want, I can take it. When you're ready to.” 

He was gentle when he started touching Eddie, and Eddie was surprised by the sensitivity. Surprised by how his body felt like it wanted this. He thought he'd be more afraid. He was too horny for that kind of logic.

Buck’s first finger moved into him slow and careful, gentle and attentive. 

Eddie understood then what he meant. When he returned to thrusting into Buck's throat, he'd essentially be fucking himself on Buck's finger too.

The thought made him ache.

When he started moving again, he was a little less reserved, because he wanted this. 

His hips moved a little faster, a little harder, and Buck didn't flinch. Even when his eyes got glassy, when his noises became a little strained, he kept going. Crooking his fingers just so, letting a second join it when the time came.

And it was… odd. A little uncomfortable, maybe, at first, but he was too distracted by the feeling of Buck's wet mouth around him to be too focused on that.

By the time he started fucking in earnest, Buck's eyes finally fluttered closed. He had three fingers in Eddie, a cock down his throat and a tear streaking his cheek. Eddie was obsessed with him.

“Buck,” He whispered, slowing down, breathless and sweaty and hopelessly fixated on his best friend. “I want to— now.”

Buck smirked, and, very carefully, extricated himself from where he was torturing Eddie in the most addictive way.

He rose to his feet, took Eddie's hand, and started leading him to the loft.

Eddie, whose braincells had been sucked out through his cock, followed blindly, eyeing Buck like he was Eros, beautiful and insatiable and somehow, miraculously, Eddie's. 

Or—

“You're mine, right?” Eddie asked, surprised by how ragged his voice was, but suddenly desperate to know.

Buck paused, turned to him and smiled. Eddie took the moment to scramble out of the jeans that had been around his thighs. 

“Yes, baby. I'm yours.” He promised, and carried on taking Eddie to his bed. Eddie followed him blindly, Eurydice to his Orpheus, positive he would follow Buck forever with no fear or judgement.

Eddie thought it would be quick after that, though Buck would fuck him hard and fast.

Instead, Buck paused, laying Eddie back on the bed and hovering over him, his eyes full of… even in Eddie's brainless state, he thought he could see it there. The love.

Hadn't Buck always been overflowing with love?

He lowered himself slowly, arms shaking a little, and kissed soft and slow down Eddie's torso. 

It was a drastic change of pace but it was—

Buck pressed a gentle kiss against the bullet wound, and Eddie dissolved into ash and bone beneath him. 

He remembered what he'd said on the podcast.

A blowjob could be nothing, but kissing someone's scars and birthmarks? That's love. 

“I love you.” Eddie whispered, a blind leap of faith he wasn't sure he could ever take if it wasn't Buck, not after everything else, but—

“I love you.” Buck whispered back, pausing his slow kissed to lean back up and kiss Eddie's lips. It felt tender and private and theirs, and Eddie swelled with love for him. He glowed with it.

“Can you please hurry up now?” Eddie asked. “I'm ready and a bit scared and—”

It was the wrong thing to say. Buck stopped cold.

“If you're scared, we don't have to—”

“No! No, the good kind of— Buck, please, I just— I need you.”

Buck softened, and he nodded.

He reached for the lube he'd apparently brought up with him, and Eddie watched deliriously as he used his slicked hand to jerk himself a few times, his mind going blank at the sight.

Buck was gentle and patient when he finally pushed into Eddie. Giving him time to get used to it, peppering kisses on Eddie's face and filling him with soft words of comfort and then.

“God,” Eddie groaned, his voice more broken than he thought he'd ever heard it, “God, Buck, fuck me.”

It was, honestly, something like a religious experience. Not just the feeling of being filled with Buck, surrounded by him and used by him and one with him, but also finally surrendering to what he'd maybe wanted all along.

Finally surrendering to who he was and what he wanted and— it was so fucking good, he couldnt remember why he’d ever been so afraid of it. 

He loved Buck, and Buck loved him, and how could that ever be wrong?

“You're so good— so perfect,” Eddie babbled as Buck's steady thrusts became harder and rougher, now that he was confident he wouldn't hurt Eddie.

He moaned in Eddie's ear, and Eddie knew Buck just wanted to make him feel good, could see it in his reactions and his movements, and he was going to make damn sure Buck knew he was doing good.

He tangled his hands in Buck's hair, held him tightly and wrapped his legs around Buck's waist, overwhelmed by the closeness that gave them. Overwhelmed by seeing Buck so unguarded and free.

“You're so beautiful,” Eddie chanted, gripping him tight, “So good for me, so— so big.” 

It didn't take long from there. Not for Buck to find the spot that made Eddie's mind go so empty he started babbling uselessly about Buck and how much he loved him.

Not for Buck's movements to become messy and frantic and so sweet. For him to pant and groan in Eddie’s ear while Eddie made more noise than he ever had in his life.

Eddie came with Buck's warm, trustworthy hand wrapped around him. He screamed Buck's name and his mind went white, shivers and jerks wracking through his body.

Buck followed a minute or two later, breathless and desperate and inside of Eddie still. 

Even in his braindead state, Eddie managed to watch his face, the glorious way it scrunched, the way his mouth went slack and he whimpered out Eddie's name. 

Eddie would never be able to give this up. He was a man addicted, obsessed with everything from Buck's touch to his voice, certain that he never wanted to go another day without touching him, without kissing him.

How sex had ever been perfunctory, he could no longer understand, but Buck had apparently fucked some great spiritual understanding into him, because it was Buck, and Buck made him feel safe and happy and alive in a way Eddie didn't even know was possible.

They were both panting for what felt like hours before Eddie managed to speak.

“Buck?”

Buck's little grunt of acknowledgement was adorable.

“I do. Miss you when you're not around. I do.” His voice was still ragged and breathless. 

Buck shifted so his soft, blue eyes could take in Eddie's (no doubt) flushed face. 

“I know, babe.” He said gently, pressing a kiss to Eddie's lips. “I just like to hear you admit it.”