Chapter Text
Each new day as a superhero never failed to be weirder than the last. Actually scratch that, everyday as a New Yorker was weirder than the last. The only difference was that as a superhero you actually had to participate in that weirdness. Today’s particular brand of weirdness, came in the form of a massive black Jabba the Hut shaped slime creature that had crawled out of some hellhole in New York’s sewers. This knock off Star Wars villain, seemed to be slowly falling apart at the seams and had decided to take its misery out on the innocent (or at least mostly innocent) New York City streets.
This monster, despite its weirdness, wasn’t even close to the strangest thing Peter had fought in his six years working as New York City’s friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. In fact it wasn’t even the first of this type of sludge monster. He’d first seen this particular kind of monster on Monday and had now fought three in just three days. Which was a lot even for New York.
So it wasn’t the strangest, but it was the stinkiest, and that was saying something considering he’d fought mutant sewer rats last year. This particular hellspawn seemed to have crawled out of a sewer near Times Square and just like any good tourist, it brought some souvenirs with it. And, like most of the trinkets you could get in Times Square, those souvenirs were literal crap.
It smelled like sewage, death and some strange otherworldly scent he couldn’t identify, a bit like burning oil. Peter’s advanced senses made these kinds of fights particularly difficult, because it felt like he was constantly getting the equivalent of pepper spray shot up his nose while also dodging hits from every angle. And Peter really didn’t want to get hit by this thing.
Every inch of it, that wasn’t oozing black sludge, was covered in razor sharp white teeth. As Peter watched, they fell out and replaced themselves like some horrific sped up video of a great white shark’s mouth. He didn’t want to imagine the kind of mutant tetanus he’d get from being stabbed by one of those. He also didn’t want to find out if his sub-par healing factor could cure him of it. He’d already been working his healing factor overtime this week.
Today also happened to be the Wednesday of finals week at ESU. So that, combined with working at both the Bugle and Delmar’s Deli plus fighting a strange new array of these weird sludge monsters as Spider-Man meant that he’d gotten about 3 hours of sleep and 4 meals in the last 3 days, total. Being superhuman meant his body could withstand more than a normal person but this amount of overwork and lack of rest meant Peter was really not fighting at his prime.
He was still feeling bruises from his first fight with one of these things. Three days ago. That kind of thing would usually heal overnight for Peter but apparently his body had called a strike on him for the way he’d been treating it. Usually Spider-Man supported workers rights and all that union stuff, but right now his lagging body might actually get him killed.
He dodged without looking, slamming into a brick wall as a massive black tendril missed him by a millimeter. The impact winded him and he almost missed the jaws and massive tongue that shot out towards him from the center of the black blob. If it hadn’t been for his spider-sense, those jaws would have been crushing his spine. He stared, dazed for a moment at the massive hole it had left in the wall, then behind him he heard-
“Holy shit! Two Spider-Men! I gotta get this on video!”
Why was a civilian so close? He turned around quickly and used a web to grab the civilian and swing him to a nearby rooftop for safety. After he placed the man down, his spider-sense screamed, but too late. The black slime reached up and grabbed him from behind. It used a tendril to snap Peter back down and slammed him onto the ground in front of it. It was eerily similar to how Spider-Man used his own webs. As he hit the ground, Peter’s body seized up with pain and his slowed reflexes could do nothing as he looked up at the maw of teeth and tongue speeding towards him.
Is this really how I die? Eaten by some shit monster?
He then had one last moment to think about how that too was kind of a lame last thought, shouldn’t his life flash before his eyes or something?
Then a millisecond before the jaws clamped down around him, a sword streaked through the air like a silver bullet and pierced the creature’s ‘head’. The world exploded into black sludge, and when it cleared there was a toaster sized metallic contraption pierced by a sword in the middle of the detritus.
Peter stared as a large man in a red and black suit, similar to his own, though made from what looked to be leather and kevlar, gingerly walked through the sludge. The man then picked up the sword with the device still on it. Peter realized this must be who the civilian was talking about when he had mentioned a second Spider-Man. The man then looked up towards him and stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Peter on the ground.
“Holy fucking blazing saddles, Spider-Man!?” The man shouted pointing at him dramatically.
“Yeah?” Peter wheezed, clutching his side.
“Holy shit, baby! I've seen all your movies and even read the comics! Or like some of 'em, you gotta understand they can’t all be bangers. I mean like totally fuck Paul, right?! What is the deal with that guy?!” The man said animatedly, punctuating every sentence with an exaggerated gesture.
“What??” Peter groaned, absolutely none of the things this man had said made any sense to Peter. Yet he had said them as if they were gossiping about an annoying colleague?
“Yeah! I mean, the writers definitely have a cuck fetish at this point, right? But not me. I don’t want to see you with anyone else, if you know what I mean.” The man said somehow, visibly, wiggling his eyebrows under his mask and making finger guns at Peter.
Peter shook his head, baffled. “…You're saying words, and yet they have no meaning? Are you having a stroke? Need help getting back to, like a hospital or something, dude?” At this point Peter was able to sit up and check himself for wounds. He found that thankfully none of the teeth had pierced him. This fight had left him no worse off except for a couple more deep bruises and a very gross slime covered suit. Whoever this weird guy was, he didn’t seem to be a threat, at the moment. So Peter didn’t really have the energy to give him his full attention while he caught his breath.
“What? Nooo. All I'm saying is that I'm like your biggest fan!”
Spider-Man tilted his head and looked at him fully for a moment.
“...So you like- want an autograph or something?” Peter said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Really!? Yes! Will you sign my tits? And can you add ‘to Deadpool with love’?” The larger man squealed, fanning himself.
“Deadpool?” That name rang a bell, he vaguely remembered Iron Man telling him about a mercenary to ‘avoid like the plague’ by that name. “Ok, you can stop messing with me. I know who you are, you kill people for money.” Spider-Man said coldly. He then paused and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before grumbling. “I mean, thanks for saving me and all, but any other situation, and I'd be turning you in.”
“Ok first of all, hot! You gonna tie me up with your sexy bondage ropes or just skip to the handcuffs kink? Cause either way I am so down. Secondly I was not messing with you, I absolutely WOULD take that autograph. But you do not want to know what I’d do with it. It might involve a jar and would be saving an innocent my little pony from a terrible fate. Thirdly, OMG! You know who I am! Did you look me up? Is the third result still my sex tape?”
“Dude, Gross.” Spider-Man cringed, “I didn’t understand half of that and I don’t think I want to. But seriously, I know you didn’t just save me out of the goodness of your little grinch heart, so what do you want?”
“I’ll have you know that even though my heart may not, other parts of me can grow 3 times. And Webs, don’t besmirch my honor like that! Can’t a gallant lad save his dream arachnid without any ulterior motives? Don’t tell me chivalry is dead!?” He put a mock hand over his heart.
Spider-Man just crossed his arms and glared. He didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever was going on with this guy and he’d learned that sometimes the silent treatment got more flies, or whatever the saying was.
“Okaaaay,” Deadpool acquiesced, after a moment. “I may not have totally, completely, intentionally, saved you. BUT if I knew you were ‘damsel in distress-ing’ I totally would have done it on purpose.”
“Then why’d you kill the monster?”
“Just doing my civic duty?” Deadpool shrugged.
“You don’t really strike me as the heroic type?”
“Spidey you wound me! I’ll have you know my movies are absolutely categorized under the superHERO genre and very highly grossing too. But I guess to be fair, the Venom movies are also categorized under ‘superhero’ and he’s just straight up a cannibal, which I have NEVER done, tempted perhaps but I never did it!” He then turned his head to the side as if talking to an earpiece. “No I would NOT have. It’s like the desire to eat cat food or jump from a high place. You think about it - but you don’t do it!” He paused for another moment as if listening to someone, again. “Ok yes, I have done those SPECIFIC things but not cannibalism!”
Peter just looked at him wide eyed, maybe he was the one having a stroke. “…What??”
“Okaaaay, I just need its brain,” Deadpool conceded.
“Why?!”
“I’m on a very annoyingly unpaid mission to get this remote device from its head.” He gestured to the small machine.
“These are remote controlled?!”
“Yes, now as much as I’d like to stay and bask in-” he gestured up and down at Spider-Man, “all this, and let me be clear, it is glorious.” He said making a chef's kiss gesture at Peter. “I need to take this monster brain, to make city saving monster brain soup.” He wiggled the device on his sword and started to leave.
At that, Peter gave the man his full attention. “Wait, you have to let me see it! I've been fighting these non-stop, I need to know who’s controlling them!”
“No can do,” Deadpool shook his head, “Not to get into specifics but I really really need this thing. As much as I love you, I will fight you for it. Back of the blades only course’,” he gestured to the blunt sides of his swords. “I don’t want to maim New York’s one and only true hero. But even then, you do not look like you’re in good enough shape to win that fight right now, baby-boy. Have you been getting your beauty rest?” He cooed, putting a hand on his hip.
“Baby-boy?” Spider-Man scoffed and stumbled to his feet raising his fists. “You know, people underestimate me all the time and yet they always end up surprised. I know you’re a mercenary so I doubt whatever you’re up to is good. I won’t let you kill anyone in my city.”
“Unfortunately, this isn’t even merc related, it’s more of a covert spy kinda deal. So, no murders, AND it’s fucking unpaid. Anyways, the people that I'm giving this brain to also want these monsters gone, so like, different routes, same parking lot ya know?” He paused, then when it didn’t seem like Spider-Man was going to give up he added, “Come on Webs, just let me have this one. I really don’t want to fight you, and I bet there are a bunch of these slime balls crawling around. Just take the brain from the next one you fight, yeah?”
Spider-Man clenched his jaw thinking, then he sighed and lowered his fists, though he wouldn’t admit it, Deadpool was right he wasn’t in good shape to fight right now. He couldn’t always apprehend another one of these monsters (not to mention Deadpool himself) when he was in better shape. “Fine…enjoy your brain. Still, I want you to know I would normally take you in on sight. The only reason I’m not right now is because you did help me out. BUT, if you kill anyone in my city you can kiss windows without bars goodbye.”
“Aw, it’s cute you think you could beat me baby-boy.” Deadpool said, blowing a kiss and turning away.
Spider-Man immediately webbed a gun from Deadpool’s hip, and both swords out of his hands in one swift motion. “Oh? What was that old man?” He said innocently, now twirling the lump of weapons on a string of web.
“Shit, that was sexy! I will say though, I absolutely do have other weapons on me and if I wasn’t playing nice I would have drawn them. BUT, I was telling the truth. I am not planning on killing anyone.”
“Fine,” Spider-Man shrugged and threw the weapons back to him and they immediately stuck to Deadpool’s hand when he caught them.
Deadpool grunted and wiggled his hand as if trying to swat a bug. Then he seemed to realize that Spider-Man was leaving and shouted after him. “Oh, also ‘old man’ sounds a little tired. Why not call me daddy instead?” He blew another kiss with his free hand and Spider-Man immediately webbed it to a wall.
“Don’t forget what I said Deadpool, this is MY city and if you hurt anyone I WILL find you.” With that, he webbed a tall building and swung off.
Deadpool whistled and sighed wistfully, then started wiggling his hands again. “Wait. Webs, how do I unstick your wrist cum?!?””
There was no answer.