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Edward had spent years convincing himself that redemption was just around the corner, but now, in the silence of the night, he knew that some debts could never be repaid.
He couldn’t run from the ghosts that were following him – his mother, whom he had tried to resurrect.
Did he turn his mother into a monster?
Had he, in some way, killed her a second time?
Ed couldn’t outrun his past, his mistakes, his guilt. Mother. Brother. Thinking of Alphonse, who was probably sitting on the floor next door just now because he couldn’t sleep – which, once again, was Edward’s fault. If he hadn’t suggested human transmutation …- yes, Al had been on board with this, but he wouldn’t have done it, if it wasn’t for Ed.
Edward didn’t want to cry. Al couldn’t cry, because of him, so it seemed only fair that Ed wouldn’t, either. But sometimes, in the middle of the night, when he was all by himself, he couldn’t stop the tears from running down his cheeks. How pathetic.
The emptiness of his bedroom was slowly driving him insane. He had to get out of this damn room.
Ed took a deep breath and slipped into his clothes. Had he believed in God, he would have prayed that Alphonse wouldn’t hear him leaving his room. The sheer thought of looking into his brother’s glowing red eyes was just too much right now – not because he didn’t think of Al as a human being, but because the armor his brother’s soul was bound to reminded him of his sins, of his guilt.
He was lucky this time. Al didn’t hear him or he had decided not to look after him for now. Maybe he figured that Ed needed some time for himself. But maybe he didn’t, because in the quiet of the night, the voices in his head seemed so much louder.
The sound the transmuted creature made as it crawled over the floor, his brother’s screams, his own desperate voice pleading for Al’s soul.
They were on a mission with Mustang and Hawkeye, whose rooms were located on the other side of the building. Ed hadn’t wanted to go, but the colonel hadn’t exactly left him a choice. Didn’t matter now, anyway. The only thing that mattered was the weight of Edward’s crappy life choices.
It was cold outside. They had travelled north, and even though they were still far from Briggs, the distinctive northern climate was undeniable. His scarred skin ached, and Ed rubbed his right shoulder for a moment. He hated extreme climates.
“Fullmetal?”
Shit. Why was the Colonel awake? Ed really didn’t want to talk right now, and the last thing he needed was a lecture about how he needed to sleep because it was an important mission.
“Are you following me? You should be asleep. This mission is very important,” Edward said. If he said it first, Mustang couldn’t say it anymore. He really wanted to take the wind out of his sails, to prevent Mustang from lecturing him.
Mustang’s eyebrow twitched. “I know. But what are you doing here in the middle of the night?”
“None of your business.”
The Colonel looked into his eyes and Ed couldn’t shake the feeling that he was looking for something.
“Have you been crying?”
“No. I don’t cry.”
“Everyone cries.”
He clenched his fists. “Not me.” His brother couldn’t, because Edward had crippled him. He had destroyed his body, taken it away from him.
Mustang sighed. “You know, you don’t need to be strong all the time. It’s alright.”
“That’s not what it’s about.”
“So, what is it about?”
“Did you miss the part where I told you it’s none of your goddamn business?!” He turned away from the Colonel. Why couldn’t he just leave him alone? Just for once?
“Oh, I get it. You’re afraid to tell me.”
Ed wanted to beat the smug smile off the Colonel’s face. He didn’t know what was worse: the fact that Mustang was mocking him, or that Ed knew exactly that he only did it to manipulate him into talking about it, because Mustang thought it would help him. Or maybe the fact that it was working.
“Well, Al can’t cry without a body, so I can’t cry before he gets it back. It’s simple, isn’t it?”
“Did you talk to your brother how he feels about this? Knowing Alphonse, I guess he wouldn’t mind.”
“But I mind!” Because it was all his fault.
“Do you think that your brother would want you to beat yourself up?”
“I don’t care,” Edward replied. “And I already told you I don’t want to talk about it. I just needed to get out of my room for a moment. I wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet, you know.”
“Alright, then. Let’s take a walk.”
“You win. I’m going back to my room.” Ed turned around and started walking back toward the hotel.
“You’re not the type to run from your problems, Fullmetal. If you want to stay in the dark with all your demons, that’s your choice. But you can’t do that forever,” Mustang said.
Ed stopped in his motion and turned around again, so he could look at the Colonel. “I’m not running from anything. But there’s nothing I can do right now to make things right. And now I’m stuck on this stupid-ass mission with no clues leading to the philosopher’s stone, while my brother is up all night, every night, because he doesn’t have a body that needs sleep.”
“But depriving yourself of sleep as well doesn’t get Alphonse his body back. Not allowing yourself to cry won’t help either. Sometimes you need to do something for yourself, you know?”
The worst thing was that the Colonel was right. Ed was not stupid, he knew that punishing himself or forbidding himself to cry didn’t help Al. But it was the only thing he could do.
“I’m not depriving myself of sleep,” he finally said. “I just couldn’t sleep anymore.”
“Yeah, me neither. That’s why we should take a walk. The fresh air might help.”
“Whatever. As long as you shut up.”
Away from the hotel, the moon was the only light the night offered them.
***
Roy could have lectured his subordinate about how he was supposed to talk to a Colonel, but he knew it would just be a waste of breath. And in the end, he didn’t really care. As annoying as Fullmetal’s constant bickering might be, at least he couldn’t beat himself up over his brother’s fate, not when he was too busy taking it out on Mustang. He could take it, but to be honest, he wasn’t sure if Edward could. The kid had been through so much, and Mustang knew how heavy the weight of self-loathing lay upon him. As a matter of fact, Alphonse knew, too. Mustang’s mind wandered back to the conversation he had had with the younger Elric brother about half an hour ago …
***
“Can’t you sleep, Colonel?”
Mustang looked at the coffee mug in his hand and shrugged. “I thought I heard someone screaming. Probably a bad dream.”
“Uh … yeah.” Alphonse looked down. “That was Brother.”
“Really?” Mustang wasn’t sure why he was surprised in the first place. After all the Elric brothers had been through, it was a miracle that Edward got any rest at all. “Because of …?”
“I wouldn’t know. He would never tell me. I tried to talk to him about it, but he always shuts me down. He claimed he never dreamt at all, let alone any nightmares.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want you to worry about him.”
“I know, but it’s not only that. He’s always beating himself up over everything that happened to us. He wasn’t the only one who wanted to resurrect our mother. I wanted to hug her one last time so badly.”
If Mustang didn’t know the boy’s age, he’d assumed he was many years older. All this bitterness and regret didn’t fit a thirteen-year-old.
“Have you talked to him about this?”
“I tried, but you know my brother. He’s still feeling so guilty about everything. I wish he wouldn’t. He really doesn’t need to. It was my fault, too. But he just keeps blaming himself.” Alphonse sighed. “Maybe you could talk to him.”
“Me?”
“Maybe he’ll tell you.”
“I don’t know, Alphonse. He’d probably tell me that it’s none of my business.”
“I’m sure you could find a way. Please, Colonel Mustang. I’m worried about my brother. He needs to talk about this, but … I’m not the one he’ll open up to.”
***
And now here he was walking alongside the older Elric brother, who hadn’t said a single word since they’d set off.
“I have nightmares, too, you know. About Ishval.”
“I don’t have nightmares.”
Sometimes it was easy to forget how young Edward Elric really was. His genius and the experiences that had forced him to mature so quickly made the Fullmetal Alchemist often seem older than he truly was. But in moments like these, Roy was reminded that Fullmetal was still just a teenager. Brilliant, yes, but a teenager.
“Guilt is like an invisible chain that holds us in place. No matter how hard we try to move forward, it’s always there, Fullmetal. But we need to move on.”
“Don’t you think that’s what I’m doing?!” Edward snarled. “I’m moving on! I’m not even complaining, alright?! I never wanted to talk to you in the first place, I just wanted some time on my own.”
“Maybe you should complain once in a while. You have a right to.”
“Sure,” Edward snorted. “Like I have any right to complain after everything I’ve done.” He turned his gaze to the silhouette of his right hand, outlined in the golden light of dawn. “My brother lost his body, I lost a leg and an arm. It’s not fair.”
Mustang stayed silent. He knew Fullmetal wasn’t finished yet.
“It should have been me.”
There it was. Roy had known all along that this was what the young alchemist was thinking, but it was still heartbreaking to hear it.
“He’s my little brother.” Edward clenched his fists. “I should have protected him.” He kicked a pebble out of his path. “It should have been me,” he repeated.
Roy looked at the boy, his own chest tightening with a quiet ache. No fourteen-year-old should bear this much guilt.
“You did protect him, though, didn’t you?” Mustang finally said. “You bound his soul. You gave your right arm to save him.”
“But it wasn’t enough,” Edward snapped. “I couldn’t retrieve his body. The human transmutation was my idea. I shouldn’t have told him about it. It was my idea, and still Truth took his whole body.” He looked at the Colonel again. “But I’m not dwelling on it. I’m going to get my brother’s body back. I don’t mind nightmares or being crippled or not crying. I just want him to be able to feel again.”
The boy’s determination was admirable. But sometimes, Roy wished that Edward would start worrying about himself once in a while, too.
“You’re going to wear yourself out if you only worry about other people.”
“Not other people. My brother.”
“Fair enough, but still. You’ve had your fair share, too, Edward.”
Fullmetal stopped in his motion, probably because the Colonel rarely called him by his name.
“Just think about it, will you? I think your brother would like you to look after yourself, too. That’s all.” They arrived back at the hotel. “I’m going to try to catch another hour of sleep. You should do the same, Fullmetal.” Mustang went back into the hotel und to his room. He didn’t need to look back to know that Edward would probably sit outside on the stairwell until everyone else woke up. But that was okay. Roy just hoped that Edward would at least think about taking better care of himself.