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“Thank you, Eunji…” Hyunjin took the chocolate from the girl’s hands. He forced a smile on his face and tried to be kind, he really did, but he wasn’t sure he was doing a good job.
The girl’s wide grin and rosy face, however, suggested that nothing seemed off to her about the whole thing. She just grinned and nodded, then joined her friends who were watching them from a distance. They then started giggling and whispering as they disappeared down the hallway.
Jisung — who had been standing just half a meter from the freshly dyed-haired Hyunjin, watching the events unfold — raised his eyebrows with a laugh, apparently enjoying the boy’s misery.
“Honestly, I didn’t think your fanbase would grow this much once you cut your hair. Who would have thought even a buzzcut would look good on you?”
“Very funny, Ji…” Hyunjin sighed, dropping the new gift into his bag. Maybe it had been a bad idea to go to the hairdresser. He was starting to regret his decisions.
“So…? Are you going to say no to her too? She seemed cute,” Jisung continued as they started walking to their next class.
“Ji, I’m not single. When are you going to get it?”
“Not this again…” the younger one sighed dramatically. “The whole university knows that you tell everyone that you’re not single just so the girls will leave you alone.”
“That’s bullshit. I’m not a liar…” Hyunjin furrowed his brow and couldn’t help but feel a little offended by the younger one’s assumption.
“Sure, sure,” Jisung waved dismissively, rolling his eyes. “Okay, you’re not single. But then why is it that I’ve never seen the love of your life?” he raised an eyebrow questioningly, and the older one quickly looked away.
“You don’t need to see them to believe they exist…” the short-haired boy mumbled under his breath.
Before the younger could respond, two more girls appeared a few meters ahead of them, seemingly heading towards Hyunjin.
“Well, good luck with the admirers, Mr. I’m-Not-Single!” Jisung laughed. “I have to go to class, we’ll talk later!” he patted the blonde on the shoulder and disappeared around the corner.
Hyunjin just sighed and shook his head, then, forcing another smile onto his face, turned towards the girls.
“Hi, Hyunjin! We don’t want to bother you, we just wanted to tell you how cool your hair looks!” the shorter girl began excitedly, while the taller one started nodding vigorously.
“Thank you so much,” he replied with a small smile. The compliments felt nice, truly, but they were starting to get tiring.
“You must be really busy and everything… And I don’t want to be pushy, but could I maybe invite you for a coffee sometime?” the taller girl continued.
“This is very kind of you, but I’m in a relationship,” Hyunjin repeated for at least the thousandth time. “And if you’ll excuse me, I really have to go to class.”
As he turned his back to the two girls and started walking down the hallway, the taller girl’s slightly broken voice stopped him in his tracks.
“Am I not your type…?”
Hyunjin turned back in confusion. There were tears shimmering in the girl’s eyes.
He didn’t want to make her cry.
“What…?”
“Everyone knows you’re single. S–so why not? What do I need to do for you to say yes?” the girl sniffled, while her friend gently patted her back in support.
Hyunjin started to feel bad. He didn’t want any of this.
“Look, I’m sorry if I hurt you, that wasn’t my intention. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe, but I’m truly in a happy relationship,” the older one explained, flustered. “And now I really have to go, I’m sorry.”
“What's wrong with people?!” Hyunjin shut the front door behind him, frustrated.
The boy sitting at the dining table looked up from his laptop, and a small smile appeared on his face.
“A lot of things. Be more specific.”
As soon as Hyunjin raised his gaze to the boy, his heart skipped a beat. He would never get used to the beautiful jet-black strands that framed his boyfriend’s face. He had first met him as a blonde, so this was still completely new to him, and needless to say, he couldn’t get enough of the sight. The boy was wearing thick-framed black reading glasses and appeared to be buried in his work.
Oh.
Hyunjin was terribly in love.
Instead of answering, he silently placed his bag on the table in front of Felix and unzipped it to show its contents. “Can you believe I got all of this today?”
Hyunjin was on the verge of a breakdown. (He wasn’t. He’s just a bit dramatic.) Felix watched him while trying to bite back his smile.
“Yeah. You're handsome.”
“Lix...” the younger boy sighed in disbelief. “Valentine’s Day was a week ago. A week ago!”
“So what? Enjoy it while you can. It’s free, and it’s all candy,” the black-haired boy shrugged, then grinned, taking a bag of sweets from the bag.
“You're unbelievable...” the blonde boy smiled. “And where’s my kiss?” he opened his arms in a waiting gesture, like a little child.
Felix looked up over his glasses and smiled, shaking his head softly, then stood up from his laptop to properly greet his lover.
“You’re the unbelievable one,” he wrapped his arms around the younger boy’s neck while standing on his toes, and leaned in to kiss him. Hyunjin didn’t need anything other than that; as soon as their lips touched, he nearly melted right then and there. With a cheeky grin, he pulled back from the kiss just to take off the shorter one’s glasses, then leaned in again for a deeper, proper kiss.
Sometimes, he still couldn’t believe Felix was his partner. That this wonderful boy was his. Every time he was with him, he felt like he was floating.
“I can understand those girls,” the black-haired boy whispered to his lips. “If you weren’t mine, I’d go crazy too.”
Hyunjin laughed into the kiss, then pulled back to take a better look at his boyfriend. He ran his fingers through his freshly dyed dark hair, completely mesmerised as he studied every little detail of his face. From his plump, heart-shaped, and incredibly inviting lips, down to his tiniest freckle.
“Beautiful...” he mumbled with a smile, causing Felix to roll his eyes. (But he couldn’t hide the soft blush creeping onto his face.)
“You’re the one talking?” Felix gently caressed his soft scalp and smiled even more when the younger boy closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch. It was an amazing idea to get this hairstyle. “You’re ridiculously hot, Hyune. It almost hurts how hot you are. Obviously, everyone’s crazy about you.”
“But why don’t they understand that I have a boyfriend?” Hyunjin whined reluctantly, and Felix sighed in understanding.
“Maybe they just don’t want to accept it. That would mean they have no chance with you.”
“That’s because they don’t!” the younger boy responded vehemently, and Felix laughed.
“Of course they don’t. I’ve already claimed you,” he leaned in again to kiss the blonde with a huge grin on his face, and suddenly, Hyunjin forgot all of his problems.
“Continue the series with me?” he looked down at Felix with puppy eyes after they finally separated, but the older boy shook his head apologetically.
“Give me two more hours, I have to finish this today...”
“You work too much...” Hyunjin muttered, glaring at the laptop on the table as if it was his main enemy.
“Welcome to the world of work,” Felix shrugged, spreading his arms with a sigh, then he put his glasses back on and took his seat at the table again. “I can’t wait for you to start working too.”
“ I am wo…”
“…full-time,” Felix interrupted with a smile and a raised eyebrow, causing Hyunjin to roll his eyes and close his mouth.
The black-haired boy worked hard to have the life they had, and Hyunjin always respected that.
He would never have pointed out that the two hours eventually turned into six, and the blonde boy ended up going to bed alone.
It was late at night when the bed sank next to him, and a small voice filled with guilt spoke up.
“Are you still awake?
Hyunjin slowly turned over and smiled sleepily at his boyfriend.
“Hello...”
Felix couldn’t return the smile. He hated that he had gotten so caught up in his work. This wasn’t the first time. He hated that he couldn’t devote all of his time to his partner. He wanted to be with Hyunjin. All the time.
“I’m so sorry, Hyune, I didn’t look at the time, I had no idea it was already this late...”
Hyunjin wasn’t angry at all. He slowly raised his hand from under the blanket and began gently caressing the older boy’s cheek, who pressed his lips together and leaned into the touch.
“It’s okay, love. You’re here now...” he whispered softly as he moved closer to Felix and leaned in for a kiss. “That’s all that matters.”
Felix immediately returned the kiss, gently running his hands up and down the blonde boy’s arm, and when his hands reached his neck, he pulled him even closer. He couldn’t put into words how much he was in love with the younger boy.
“Hyune...” a small tear rolled down his cheek, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t say anything more. He wanted to apologize again and again, a thousand times, but the lump in his throat stopped him.
Hyunjin towered over him with his entire body and showered Felix’s face, hair, and neck with hot, tender kisses.
“I’m here, baby...” he gently kissed his freckled ear. “I’m here, and you’re here too. I love you.”
Felix closed his eyes as a trembling sigh left his lips, and let the blonde boy kiss the tears off his face. The taller then gently slipped off his boxer shorts, soon followed by his t-shirt — both of which were Hyunjin’s —, and as he began to leave tender, feather light touches all over his skin, Felix fell in love all over again.
“I love you too.”
Hyunjin turned off the annoyingly loud alarm with his eyes closed, then sighed tiredly and turned towards the person beside him. Felix was lying with his back to him, sleeping peacefully, and Hyunjin would have wanted to let him sleep, but both of them had to get up early. He wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer so that Felix’s bare back could rest against his chest, then he showered the love bites on his neck and shoulders from the night before with soft butterfly kisses.
“Lix...” he whispered carefully into his ear, causing the smaller boy to stir, but he didn’t do anything else except link their hands together around his stomach. “You’re going to be late.”
Felix groaned tiredly and squeezed Hyunjin’s hand, then, with a sigh, turned around to face the younger boy.
For some long moments — that still somehow seemed so short — , they just laid there, staring at each other with eyes so full of love that one would not believe it was possible, then the older broke the silence as he gave Hyunjin a small, but oh so loud smile.
“I’ll make coffee,” he whispered sleepily, then gave a kiss on the blonde’s smooth head before getting out of bed.
Hyunjin watched with a sleepy smile as the black-haired boy’s naked body was illuminated by the sunlight filtering through the curtains, and he felt like he was the luckiest person in the world.
“Hyunjin! Hyunjin! Short hair looks really good on you!”
“Thanks,” the mentioned boy nodded, clutching the coffee he’d gotten from the vending machine. Oh, how much he missed Felix’s coffee.
“Hyunjin, would you come to the movies with me?” a girl shouted at him, someone he had never seen before.
Hyunjin tilted his head in confusion. Why is she shouting from the other end of the yard? He decided to return the gesture, so instead of answering, he simply shook his head, then turned back to his hamburger. There was no way he was going to shout across the yard in front of all these people.
“You could be a little nicer,” Jisung, who was sitting next to him, giggled, his mouth smeared with ketchup.
“She literally shouted at me like I’m some kind of attraction at a zoo!” Hyunjin replied, offended.
“You’re totally right, she should’ve come over here,” his friend nodded in all seriousness, then broke into a fit of laughter.
Hyunjin gave him a pointed look, but decided not to start another argument. He liked Jisung; he was the only person he could stand at this place. The blonde had always been a reserved personality, and because of that, he found it incredibly hard to adjust to the fact that, at university, people suddenly started "discovering" him. Out of nowhere, he was considered "cool”, just because a few people thought he was good-looking. These people didn’t know him at all, they knew nothing about him, yet they decided they liked him, and now they wanted to hang out with him at all costs. Hyunjin hated this.
“Hey!” Hana walked over to their bench. Finally, someone he at least knew by sight. “I’m throwing a party at our beach house on Saturday. Lots of people are coming. You guys should come too.”
“I’ll be there!” Jisung grinned immediately.
“I won’t, I’m sorry.”
He didn’t go to parties, and everyone knew that about him — they just didn’t want to acknowledge it. Moreover, he was going to the theatre with Felix on Saturday, and he wouldn’t miss that for the world.
Hana’s smile faltered a bit, but she just nodded and walked away. Jisung sighed and rolled his eyes.
“If you never leave your house, you’ll die alone.”
“Ji, please don’t start this again,” Hyunjin groaned. He was incredibly tired, and he felt a migraine coming on.
It seemed like it was going to be one of those days.
“I’m just saying,” Jisung defensively raised his arms.
Hyunjin sighed, got up from the bench, and headed towards the nearby trash can to throw away the hamburger wrapper.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, someone bumped into him, spilling hot liquid all over his chest. Hyunjin gasped and instinctively stepped back, but he already felt hands touching him.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, it was an accident, I wasn’t paying attention!” It was a girl, who helplessly tried to soak up the stain on his sweater with some napkins.
Almost everyone around them was watching them, seemingly waiting to see what would happen next. Some girls were giggling and whispering, and a couple of boys were pointing with disdain, either at Hyunjin or the girl who was apologising in front of him. Hyunjin caught sight of a few teachers out of the corner of his eye, and he could feel the ground slipping from under his feet.
Too much, too much, too much.
“I-it’s fine!” he stuttered, backing away further from the girl, his eyes quickly scanning for an escape. An escape from the yard, from the university, from the situation, from all of it.
“Let me buy you something to make it up to you, please!” the girl walked after him, and for a moment, Hyunjin froze.
There’s now way... Did she really...? Did she intentionally spill coffee on him? Is she doing all this just to get him to agree to go on a date with her? No… It was just an accident, nothing more. Right…? Hyunjin’s stomach churned at the thought that people would go this far just for some attention. He didn’t want to believe that the girl in front of him had intentionally spilled scorching hot coffee all over him, he didn’t want to assume the worst about people, but still, his heart twisted painfully in his chest.
He had to get out of here.
As soon as he stepped over the threshold of the apartment, he felt the stress from that day — even if only for a moment — leave his body. Finally, he could breathe again. He threw his stained sweater to the floor, then kicked off his shoes and stumbled into the house, looking for a certain someone.
The freckled boy, who was sitting at the counter in the kitchen, glanced up briefly when he arrived and smiled, then turned back to his papers.
“How was your day?” he asked without looking up, seemingly completely immersed in his work. “There’s still some tea left if you want. But I can make coff…” His sentence trailed off as he felt the weight of the shorter-haired boy on him. His attention immediately shifted from the papers as he wrapped his arms around his partner in surprise. “Jinnie?”
“Just… let’s stay like this for a bit, please,” Hyunjin mumbled into the older boy's neck after a few moments of silence, and Felix nodded, placing a kiss between his light blonde strands.
The black-haired boy gave all his attention to him, protectively pulling the larger body closer, waiting patiently for Hyunjin to open up.
But it didn’t happen.
Instead, he heard quiet sniffles and saw the boy’s trembling shoulders. His heart broke at the sight. He immediately took off his glasses and gently guided the boy to the couch. He sat down and pulled the younger one with him, wrapping him in his arms. Hyunjin didn’t lift his head from Felix’s shoulder for even a moment; he hated seeing the older boy watch him cry. He rarely cried; he always wanted to appear strong. But that wasn’t always easy.
“Hyune,” Felix gently talked to the boy. “What happened?” Hyunjin didn’t answer, he just silently continued to soak the older boy’s sweater. “Please, talk to me, let me help…” the dark-haired boy whispered softly. He didn’t want to make things worse, but it was hard since he had no idea what was going on. His heart ached painfully. “Sweetheart?”
Hyunjin stiffened for a moment, and Felix smiled faintly. There was a four-year age gap between them, which didn’t seem like much, but Hyunjin always felt awkward thinking about himself as the younger one. He didn’t have siblings, and due to his closeted and introverted nature, it was initially very hard for him to accept that there was someone in his life who wanted to take care of him, who wanted to love him. Really love him. When he met Felix, it was clear — and, in his opinion, it was natural — that it would be his role to provide safety and protection in their relationship. The four-year age difference didn’t matter in the dynamic of their relationship. Hyunjin wanted to take responsibility for everything. Control. He didn’t want the control to slip from his hands — he was afraid of it.
He loved taking care of Felix, more than anything, but it was hard for him to accept that the black-haired boy also wanted to take care of him. Felix was always mindful of that. He was careful. He loved calling Hyunjin “baby”, “sweetheart”, “darling”, and other sweet petnames, but he also knew that the younger boy always felt awkward about it because he thought it was his responsibility to use these terms for Felix, not the other way around. Nonsense. Felix was always there to show Hyunjin that sometimes it was okay to lose control. That Hyunjin could let go because Felix would always be there to catch him if he fell.
“There’s nothing wrong,” Felix comforted him, gently caressing his head while planting little kisses on him wherever he could reach. “Everything’s fine.”
A desperate sound escaped Hyunjin’s throat, which he tried to suppress by burying his face into Felix’s neck, unsuccessfully. He was tense, holding himself back.
“Let go, please,” Felix whispered, running his hand down Hyunjin’s spine, making his whole body shiver. “Baby,” he kissed his temple gently, and that was all it took; Hyunjin’s sobs broke free.
“I-I’m sorry, it’s just... too much...” he sobbed into the older boy’s sweater, feeling his body melt into Felix’s embrace.
“The university?” Felix asked quietly, and Hyunjin didn’t have the strength to go into details, so he just nodded. Felix gave another kiss to his temple. “This is your last year. You’ll get through it soon, I promise. And after that, you’ll never have to set foot there again. I know how exhausting all the unwanted attention is, and I’m so proud of you for keeping that beautiful smile on your face every single day. You’re amazing, Hyune.”
Hyunjin didn’t know how long he cried. All he knew was that Felix was with him the whole time, protectively caressing his head and back while softly whispering into his ear. He talked about how much he loved him, how proud he was of him, and Hyunjin hadn’t felt so vulnerable in a long time. But somehow, it felt good. It felt good knowing that the freckled boy saw him. And heard him.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, but by now, Felix had completely leaned back on the couch, and Hyunjin had rested his head on his chest, curling up like a puppy despite being taller than him. Felix didn’t stop caressing the younger boy, and maybe that’s what helped Hyunjin calm down.
“Why won’t they leave me alone?” Hyunjin spoke in a hoarse voice, breaking the silence that had settled between them. “Why… why don’t they understand that I’m in a relationship? Why…?”
Felix pulled him closer.
“I’m so sorry, Jinnie... They don’t deserve you. You’re amazing, you’re worth so much more than they could ever be, combined. Do you know that?” With one hand, he cupped Hyunjin’s chin to lift his head so he could look into his tear-filled eyes. Hyunjin, in response, moved closer and gently kissed his lips.
“I love you,” he whispered, pressing their noses together.
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
Hyunjin pressed his lips together, feeling a blush creeping onto his face, but he didn’t look away.
Felix could see into his soul. And Hyunjin let him.
“Put on the series, I’ll make popcorn, okay?”
“You need to work,” Hyunjin said as he shook his head. Felix had already spent so much time comforting him, he must be way behind on his papers.
“No, I don’t,” the older boy kissed his forehead.
Yes, he did. They both knew that. But just as Hyunjin was about to open his mouth again, Felix gave him a small smile and got up from the couch, heading towards the kitchen.
Hyunjin gazed at him with a pounding heart.
I can’t wait to ask him to marry me.
(What he didn’t know was that, three years later, Felix would be the one to kneel down on a beach in Australia, and Hyunjin would cry — like never before.)
“Hyunjin... Hyunjin!” Jisung had called out for the umpteenth time. “Are you even listening?”
The taller in question was staring the wall in front of him with a small smile on his face, while his mind replayed over and over how Felix had woken him up that morning with his favorite pastry and the perfect coffee he always makes, then gifted him the world’s most dizzying kiss. He still felt the butterflies in his stomach.
He only returned to reality when Jisung gently hit his shoulder.
“Huh? What’s up?”
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty, class is over,” Jisung grunted, then stood up from his chair and impatiently waited for the older one to gather himself.
“Are you having a better day?” he asked again as they walked down the hallway.
“Mhm,” Hyunjin gave a small nod. “Better than yesterday.”
Jisung nodded understandingly. Despite loving to tease Hyunjin, it wasn’t hard to notice how much he hated the attention he received every day.
“Hyunjin!” someone called from behind, causing the latter to tense up for a moment. But before he could gather himself to "smile" and turn towards the voice, Jisung grabbed his arm and started running without a word.
Hyunjin had no idea what was going on, he just knew that his friend had saved him from another awkward conversation, and for that, he was grateful.
The younger one laughed as he leaned against the wall next to the entrance door, trying to catch his breath. The taller one, leaning on his knees, panted and couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto his face.
“You’re crazy...”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Jisung grinned, then threw an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder. “So, when do you plan on starting to study for finals?”
“No idea, but I guess it’s about time,” the older one shook his head, laughing softly.
“I think I’ll go to that café near the park tomorrow or the day after.”
“The one that has those delicious brownies?” Hyunjin asked, as they started heading towards the exit.
Glancing over his shoulder, he saw three girls and a boy clearly heading their way, calling out his name, so he quickened his pace.
“You and your chocolate obsession...” Jisung rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s where I’m going. Are you joining?”
“Not chocolate, just brownie,” Hyunjin corrected him, feeling a blush creep up his face. “Uh, tomorrow doesn’t work, but the day after, I think I’ll be free.”
“Tomorrow doesn’t work?” Jisung asked in disbelief. “What do you have to do?”
“I have plans,” said Hyunjin, rolling his eyes.
“Don’t tell me you’re meeting your nonexistent girlfriend?” Jisung raised an eyebrow, snorting.
For a moment, Hyunjin didn’t know how to respond, but he didn’t have much time to think about it because suddenly, he froze completely, his brain short-circuiting.
Felix was standing a few meters away from him on the sidewalk, smiling at him. He had never come to the university before, he hadn’t even been near this area, since they lived in the other side of the city and his workplace was also in the opposite direction. Hyunjin froze, not knowing what to do.
“Hm? Earth to Hyunjin? What’s wrong? Who are you staring at like this? Oh, do you know that guy?” Jisung asked, confused.
“I–I have to go. Sorry...” Hyunjin’s heart was pounding in his ears, and he didn’t even look at Jisung as he said his goodbye.
He couldn’t take his eyes off Felix. He was wearing a long black coat, and his laptop bag was hanging from his shoulder, so he was obviously coming from work. With his hands in his pockets, he was waiting and smiling kindly, and Hyunjin’s heart was painfully beating against his ribs as he got closer.
“Lix? What are you...” Hyunjin started quietly, careful so that no one around could hear him, but couldn’t finish his sentence because, in the next moment, Felix stepped closer, smiling softly, and leaned in to kiss his lips.
Hyunjin had never tensed up so quickly in his life before, and for a moment, he really thought his heart would stop right there. His eyes widened, and his breath was trembling as he stepped back from the black-haired man, unable to speak.
“I thought I’d surprise you,” the shorter one smiled, shrugging, and he was so cute and kind and sweet that Hyunjin almost burst into tears right then and there.
He didn’t deserve Felix.
“Hyune? What’s wrong?” the freckled one took a step closer when he saw the younger one’s face.
“N–no,” Hyunjin shook his head awkwardly, then quickly turned towards the subway, glancing at Felix expectantly. He didn’t dare touch him. “It’s nothing. Can we go home?” His voice was so quiet that it cracked halfway through, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut to try and pull himself together.
Felix could tell something was wrong, but he immediately thought that something must have happened at the university, so he just wanted to support him and get him out of there as quickly as possible.
“Of course,” he smiled gently and, without thinking, clasped their hands together as they started walking towards the subway.
Hyunjin almost immediately tried to pull his hand out of Felix’s grip, and the realisation scared him so much that, for a moment, he forgot how to breathe. A single tear ran down his face, but he held back the rest.
Felix didn’t deserve this.
He never dared to look back as they walked further away from the university.
“Do you want some soup? Eat something, then you can rest, okay?” Felix led the still shaken-up Hyunjin through their door, then hurried off to the kitchen.
Hyunjin couldn’t speak. He could hardly hear anything, both of his ears were painfully ringing, and his heart was pounding in his throat. Clumsily, he stumbled into the living room, sat on the couch with a blank stare, and just stared ahead. He knew he was trembling, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it.
While they were on their way to their apartment, he had concentrated so hard on appearing in his best shape for his partner and everyone else who might look at them. For most of the travel, he either lowered his head or buried his face in Felix’s shoulder, pretending to be tired.
And Felix believed him.
“Hyune, the soup is...” Felix’s words froze in his throat as he saw the boy trembling on the couch. He hadn’t seemed this upset on the way home. “Hyunjin?” In an instant, he was by his side, cupping his face in his hands, trying to make eye contact with him. “Wh–what happened? What’s wrong? Why are you shaking?”
Hyunjin desperately glanced from one of Felix's eyes to the other but couldn’t make a sound. He didn’t know what to say, how to say it, and he didn’t want the freckled one to blame himself. He blinked rapidly, trying to calm down, but it wasn’t working. He just wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth.
“Breathe with me, okay? Just look at me, focus on me, alright?”
Hyunjin shook his head, having no idea how he could make the older one understand that this wasn’t a panic attack. He could breathe, he just couldn’t speak.
He didn’t want to.
“Hyunjin? You’re scaring me...” Felix said in a soft voice, and despite trying to appear strong, his eyes gradually filled with tears.
And it was as if the world suddenly stopped. The ringing in his ears faded for a moment, and everything around him quieted. This was the only thing Hyunjin didn’t want. He didn’t want Felix to worry.
“Don’t…” he whispered with difficulty, as his chest tightened painfully. “Don’t cry, please.”
“What happened? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Hyunjin shook his head, forcing a smile, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. Fuck, he hadn’t even noticed he was crying. “It’s nothing, I–I’m sorry... I just...”
How could he explain this to Felix?
“Hyune?”
Hyunjin helplessly lowered his head and squeezed his eyes shut. He sighed deeply, fiddling with his hands in an attempt to calm his shaking body.
“I don’t... At university, I’m not...” He sighed nervously again, needing to pull himself together. “They don’t know that I’m gay…” The words left his mouth impossibly quietly, and he closed his eyes in despair.
A heavy silence fell to the room.
Felix didn’t respond. He didn’t move. He froze completely. With wide eyes and his mouth slightly open, he stared at Hyunjin, unable to speak.
“No one...?” he asked quietly after a painfully long moment, and Hyunjin shook his head. “Hyunjin...” Felix had never felt so guilty as he did in that moment. He had outed Hyunjin in front of the entire university. And no, it didn’t matter that only the people outside the building had seen them. They both knew that anything related to Hyunjin always spread like wildfire throughout the entire campus. And now, he had outed Hyunjin in front of thousands of people. He had never felt this awful. “I’m so sorry, oh my god...” He put his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle his sobs, feeling he had no right to cry. He should have been the one comforting Hyunjin, not the other way around. Hyunjin was hurt, not him.
“It’s okay,” Hyunjin looked up at him, smiling, though his face was wet with tears, his smile forced, and his lips trembling. “It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself! I should’ve told you, it’s my fault, you couldn’t have known. It’s just that… Outside university, I don’t... I don’t hide it, you know that I don’t. I just... The university is different. Everything and everyone is so much... scarier there, and it only takes one wrong move or word and suddenly everyone hates you, and... And I didn’t want this... I didn’t want anyone to know anything about me, I didn’t want them to judge me when they don’t even know me...”
Saying this out loud felt so much better than he had expected. University was hell itself, and Hyunjin didn’t want Felix to think he was ashamed of him.
“Don’t... Don’t explain, this... this is completely normal. I totally understand, and you’re right, and I shouldn’t have gone, especially not unexpectedly, and I was an idiot for kissing you, I should have noticed something was wrong, I’m so sorry... I just... You always complained about how people don’t believe that you have a boyf... that you have a partner, and I wanted to help. I thought they’d believe it if they saw it with their own eyes...”
“You’re an angel, Bokie, I love you...” Now it was Hyunjin’s turn to cup the older one’s face in his hands and lock their gazes. “I’m not mad at you at all, please believe me, I just... I’m scared. But… it’s okay now. It had to happen sooner or later.”
“But not like this!” Felix shook his head angrily. He was furious with himself, so angry. Tears flowed uncontrollably down his face, and he hated, hated, hated himself. “I promise everything will be okay... Not everyone is horrible and hateful. I’m sure... I’m sure many people will support you, just like I will. Nothing will go wrong, trust me, I won’t let anyone hurt you,” He said these words with such confidence that, for a moment, Hyunjin actually believed him. He believed that everything would be okay. Felix then cupped Hyunjin’s face again with his palms, gently caressing his soft skin. “I know it’s scary, and I’m so sorry this happened because of me, but don’t worry, nothing will go wrong, okay? I’m here for you, and I’m sure many people at university will be there for you. If not, we’ll find another university.”
Hyunjin’s eyes widened in disbelief, as he stared at the older one.
“Lix, I have one year left...”
“I don’t care,” Felix shook his head. “I won’t stand by and watch some idiots in their twenties insult the most important person in my life.”
“You’re in your twenties too...” Hyunjin whispered back with a small smile on his face, because he didn’t know what else to say. His face was too red, he was too embarrassed, and too grateful. He just pulled the black-haired one closer, wrapping him in his arms.
He loved him too much.
“What if they didn’t notice?” Felix broke the silence after a while, muttering into the younger one’s shoulder. “Or, even if they did notice... It was just... just a little peck, right? We’ll... we’ll say we’re distant relatives who haven’t seen each other in a long time, and... and that’s how we usually greet each other in our family, and...”
“Lix, this sounds way worse than just simply saying that I’m in love with you,” Hyunjin shook his head with a small smile still on his tear-streaked face.
Hyunjin could feel, through his own skin, as Felix’s breath hitched for a moment, then his tense muscles slowly relaxed in the embrace.
“Hyunjin...” Felix looked up at him helplessly, eyes full of guilt, and Hyunjin’s heart began to beat just a little easier.
“It’s not your fault, love. If I had told you the truth, you obviously wouldn’t have kissed me in front of everyone. You only wanted what’s best for me, and I’m really grateful for that. It’s my fault for not telling you. It came out... badly, but it is what it is.”
He hadn’t even noticed that all the talking had completely distracted him from his own thoughts. He realised the shaking had stopped, and no more tears were running down his face.
“Is there... is there really no way? Something? Anything? What if... what if no one even saw it?” Even he winced at the impossibility of this scenario, but his mind couldn’t stop searching for possibilities. “You were facing away from the building... Maybe it just looked like I whispered something to you, right?”
Hyunjin smiled sadly and shook his head.
“Angel, let’s... let’s drop it, okay? It has already happened, and we can’t undo it. I just... I just needed some time to calm down. For a moment, I thought the world was going to stop...” Hyunjin laughed bitterly, and Felix’s gaze softened.
“It’ll be okay. Let’s hope they’ll accept it well... You deserve all the love in the world, Jinnie, and if they don’t give it to you, I will. I promise.”
Hyunjin’s stomach fluttered wildly, and warmth spread through his chest.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
He had never liked coming here in the first place, but he had never been as tense as when he walked towards the university entrance that morning. His eyes darted wildly back and forth, feeling like some kind of prey watching out for imminent danger. But when he stepped onto the university’s street, he lowered his head, realising that he wouldn’t be able to endure the hatred emanating from the people’s eyes. Being known because someone is handsome is one thing, but being known because someone is gay is something entirely different. And if Hyunjin couldn’t bear even the generally positive reputation before, now he could barely comprehend what might be waiting for him.
Felix had suggested him to stay home if he thought it would be better, even offering to stay with him — even though he barely gets any time off from work —, but the blonde just shook his head gratefully. Sooner or later, he would have to get through it, so he might as well do it now. A few hours of suffering, and he could be in the black-haired boy’s arms again — that was the only thing keeping Hyunjin going.
He stepped cautiously through the door of the main university building, still keeping his gaze fixed on his shoes as he made his way towards the lecture hall. He was so focused on reaching the right room that he didn’t even notice how no one was calling out to him or stopping him. This was new.
Once inside the room, he sat in his usual seat and pulled his hood tighter over his face — it was Felix’s sweater. He prayed no one would speak to him, and for the first time, it seemed like the gods had heard him.
The first double class passed in peace.
But he didn’t want to test his luck, so to be safe, he spent most of his time in a nearby café when he didn’t have classes. At least there, no one could disturb him.
His "invisibility" lasted until just after his last class when he bumped into someone in one of the hallways. That was when he finally looked up properly, just enough to apologise to the person he had collided with.
“Sor...” But the apology immediately froze on his lips as he looked at the boy in front of him.
“Hyunjin! I've been looking for you everywhere!” Jisung smiled, looking as if he was genuinely happy to see the older boy. Hyunjin froze. Jisung's opinion mattered the most to him here, but he was afraid to face him.
“Hi...” he whispered awkwardly, then helplessly lowered his head, not knowing what to say. How do people usually do this?
At that moment, suddenly, two arms wrapped around him, and just like that, every thought he had evaporated. His heart beat exactly three times — slowly and loudly — before he came to his senses and clumsily returned the hug. They didn’t usually hug each other.
“Now I understand why you never said anything about your relationship,” Jisung whispered in his ear, understandingly, and for a moment, Hyunjin forgot how to breathe. “But you could have. If I had such a beautiful partner, I’d never shut up about them,” Jisung pulled back, grinning, and in that moment, Hyunjin felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his heart. He could breathe again, and his tense shoulders relaxed immediately. He laughed softly.
“I'm sorry I didn’t say anything,” he whispered quietly, still checking his surroundings. Jisung just shook his head, smiling.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, and for pestering you with this. How do you feel?”
“I’m scared,” Hyunjin answered honestly.
“You don’t need to be. I’m sure it’s all frightening, but it’s not worth spending your whole life hiding just because you’re afraid of what people think. We only live once, don’t let them take that away from you!” Jisung said, squeezing his shoulder encouragingly, and Hyunjin was incredibly grateful to have Jisung in his life. “And if it gets too much or if you hear any bullshit, I’ll always be here, okay? I won’t let these idiots hurt you.”
“Felix said the same thing,” Hyunjin smiled, then immediately froze, his eyes wide and his face bright red as he blinked at the boy in front of him.
Jisung just grinned even wider.
“Felix, huh? Nice name. How did you two meet? How long have you been together? Fill me in! You’ll introduce me, right?” he started enthusiastically, then quickly realised he was doing the same thing as before and probably needed to stop asking questions, so he quickly pressed his lips together.
“Of course I’ll introduce you, Ji,” Hyunjin smiled and shook his head. “Thank you for being here,” he said a bit more quietly, feeling indescribably grateful for the younger boy.
Jisung pulled him into another quick hug — because it was just that kind of day — then, walking towards the exit, he started chatting happily with him just like always. As if nothing had changed. As if everything were the same.
Except for one thing.
Hyunjin — now a bit more confident — carefully looked around the hallway and saw that people were looking at them — like they usually did — , some were even smiling — like they usually did —, but no one said anything to him. He furrowed his brow and quietly interrupted Jisung’s chatter.
“Ji, why... um... why hasn’t a girl come up to me yet?” He winced reluctantly, embarrassed by how weird the question sounded.
“Because you’re gay,” Jisung chuckled. “There’s no point in trying anymore. First of all, now it’s obvious that you truly have someone in your life, and secondly, that someone is a guy. So, no chance for the girls. But if you ask me,” Jisung leaned in and whispered in his ear, “in a few days, you’ll have trouble with the guys. Now they know they have a chance with you.”
“No, they don’t have a chance with me,” Hyunjin immediately answered, feeling his face turn as red as a tomato. “I have a boyfriend!”
Jisung’s laughter filled the hallway, and Hyunjin — though his face was bright red — walked happily towards the exit of the building. This had never happened before. Could it really have been this simple? Was this all it took for people to stop bothering him? Sure, he got a few disgusted looks from some people during the day, but he had gotten used to that in his everyday life. He had expected worse, much worse, and maybe worse would still come, but for now, it was a good start.
Hyunjin was happy.
And when he thought about how, when he stepped out of the university door, he would face Felix, his smile grew even wider.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Felix asked skeptically that morning, after Hyunjin asked him if he could come pick him up after work today too.
“I don’t care if it’s a good idea," Hyunjin shook his head, his heart trembling. “I’m going to need you, I’m sure of that,” he whispered helplessly, and Felix immediately pulled him into a tight embrace, one from which he never wanted to break free.
And he was really there.
Standing exactly where he had been the day before, in the same coat with his laptop bag slung over his shoulder, but now with a hesitant, tiny smile on his face, as if he didn’t know what was okay to do and what wasn’t. Hyunjin’s heart melted at the sight, and the butterflies in his stomach began to dance wildly. Smiling, he walked towards his boyfriend, and, ignoring everything and everyone — after all, everyone already knew — he pulled the smaller, nervous boy into a tight embrace. He held him in a way that his heart almost melted into one with the freckled one’s, and he never wanted to let him go.
“Hyune, what...” Now it was Hyunjin’s turn to interrupt his startled partner, and with a grin, he leaned down to softly kiss him on the lips.
He knew Felix was confused — he was fucking adorable when he was confused, by the way —, and he would tell him everything later, but right now he was just too happy to explain. And it was all thanks to Felix.
All it took was a simple kiss.
After he pulled away — still grinning — and looked into those confused, sparkling eyes, he couldn’t help but laugh happily. He took a step back and waved at Jisung, who was standing by the stairs, to come closer.
“I want to introduce you to someone, if that’s okay,” he said softly, looking into his partner’s eyes, who still seemed a bit wide-eyed and confused, but awkwardly nodded. Hyunjin smiled even more and, taking Felix’s left hand, turned to Jisung. “Ji, this is my boyfriend, Felix. Lix, this is Jisung, the only person I can stand at this place.”
“You could have introduced me a little better,” Jisung pretended to be offended, to which Hyunjin laughed. “Hi, Felix, it’s so nice to meet you! I’d say I’ve heard so much about you, but unfortunately, that’s not true...” He glanced playfully at Hyunjin, who smiled apologetically. “But, hopefully, that will change!”
“Nice to meet you too, Jisung,” Felix nodded, smiling, and shook hands with the younger boy. “Hyune has often said that there’s only one person at university who gets him through his days. I’m glad I could finally meet that one person. I want to thank you too, for being there for him,” Felix said with sincere gratitude, looking into Jisung’s eyes, to which the youngest smiled and nodded.
“I love watching my only friend and the love of my life get along so well, but Lix and I have a table reservation, and we should start getting ready,” Hyunjin interrupted with a smile, causing Felix’s face to turn red, while Jisung rolled his eyes and laughed.
“I don’t want to interrupt. Have fun! I’m really happy for you two, truly!” Jisung nodded meaningfully, waving as he took a few steps back.
“Thanks, Ji,” Hyunjin replied sincerely, smiling, as he pulled his boyfriend closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist.
And it was possible that they’d have to face harder days in the future, in fact, that’s for sure, but as long as he’s surrounded by such loving people, Hyunjin wasn’t worried about it — too much.