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Eddie's heart was pounding in his chest like it was trying to break through his ribs. He couldn't even feel the hard door in his back, couldn't feel anything but his heart beating harder than ever. His mind was racing around what he had just seen, Buck's moans still echoing in his ears.
He just came over to watch a stupid movie and have a few beers with Buck. He didn't even think about texting him that he was going to swing by, they never did. They both had keys and used them quite regularly.
Sure, they had walked into a few embarrassing situations. Buck had once seen Eddie with his pants down with the intention of jerking off. He even had the lube in his hands, but Buck had just grinned and given him the privacy to calm down. They had laughed it off afterwards, just like the time Eddie had seen Buck dancing in his apron. But this was different.
For once, Buck hadn't even noticed that Eddie was there. He had opened the door with his key, beer in hand, Buck's name already on the tip of his tongue when he heard it. The moan coming from the couch. Eddie's head had snapped over there, the rest of his body frozen.
On the couch was Buck, shirtless, his head thrown back. His eyes were closed, his mouth pressed shut to a thin line as his body moved up and down. His whole skin was glistening with sweat and Eddie could see his loose curls sticking to his temples. He was absolutely beautiful.
Then he saw Tommy. He was lying under Buck on the couch, his hand sliding over Buck's sides as Buck bounced up and down on his cock. He could see his fingers digging lightly into his best friend's skin, leaving little crescent moons.
Eddie's cheeks had began to burn. He knew this was wrong, he should back away and run, but he couldn't. It was as if his eyes were glued to Buck's broad chest and for a moment he wished he could see further down his body.
That thought had snapped him out of his trance. Did he really just want to see Buck's cock? No, he couldn't, he shouldn't ... this was wrong. Eddie had gripped the beer even tighter and walked backwards as quietly and quickly as he could.
The door hadn't made a sound when he'd closed it, as if he'd never been there, and yet he couldn't move. He pressed his back against the door and slid down to the floor. Eddie's pulse pounded in his throat and all he could see was the sweat glistening on Buck's skin.
His cock was straining against his pants, he hadn't even realised he was getting hard. Shit, he couldn't stay here! He had to leave before one of them knew he was here.
He scrambled to his feet, the beer clutched to his chest and ran for the stairs.
Eddie had tried to forget about it when he came home yesterday. He had pushed every thought of Buck being naked deep, deep down into the back of his mind. He had showered and gone to bed, trying to forget what he had just seen, but it kept replaying in his mind.
Buck bouncing up and down on Tommy, Buck's eyes closed in pleasure, Tommy's finger digging into his skin. What his moans had sounded like. Would he sound like that if Eddie was the one... no! He couldn't let his mind wander that way.
He buried his head in his pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't remember when he fell asleep, but he did remember the dreams. Dreams where Buck moaned his name, where his fingers were the ones leaving marks. He also remembered waking up with his dick bulging through his pyjama pants.
He had refused to do anything about it and had taken a cold shower instead, desperately trying to think of something else. It worked, at least well enough to get him into his uniform. He usually changed in the locker room at the station, but the thought of seeing Buck without his shirt, or god forbid his pants, made him hesitate. His cheeks flushed at the mere thought and a nervous energy prickled under his skin.
The last thing he needed was to be caught staring like a lovesick teenager. So instead he stood in front of his mirror, tugging at the edges of his uniform shirt to smooth out invisible creases and telling himself that he was just being professional. That it wasn't a big deal. That he could handle another shift with Buck, just like always.
But when he caught his own reflection, the doubt in his eyes betrayed him.
Eddie knew how wrong he was the moment he pulled into the parking lot. Bucks Jeep was already in his spot and everything he had tried to repress over night came crushing down on him. He could feel the heat blooming on his cheeks.
Part of him was ashamed to think of his best friend like that. Buck had been by his side for years, always there when he needed him. He was like a second father to Chris and that wasn't going to change just because he was in Texas.
Another part of him, a dark part deep inside, kept replaying that scene. It also told him something else, something Eddie hadn't been able to focus on yesterday.
Buck hadn't really looked like he'd enjoyed it. Sure, he had moaned, but his face was scrunched up, his mouth pressed into a straight line.
The monster in his chest growled at the thought. Buck was pretending, Tommy wasn't fulfilling him, he needed more, he needed Eddie!
No! He couldn't think like that. He had to clear his head before he went to the station, or someone would notice that something was deeply wrong with him!
The rest of the day was a nightmare. Although Eddie managed to calm down a little before he got out of the truck, the thoughts never really left him. They kept trying to distract him whenever he was around Buck, which was about 95% of the time.
After lunch, Buck rested his chin on Eddie's shoulder and threw an arm around him, showing Eddie a video of a cat. After that he couldn't take it any more and excused himself to the washroom for a quick ice-cold shower because his whole brain was screaming at him that he needed to grab Buck by the hips and fuck him against the fire engine.
Buck of cause was completely oblivious. He kept pressing his thigh against Eddie's when they were on calls, he sat so close to him on the couch that Eddie could feel the heat coming off his body, and as if that wasn't enough he started working out when they hadn't had a call for a while.
Eddie was trying to relieve his frustration by cleaning the engine when he saw Buck coming out of the locker room in his workout clothes. Shorts that showed way too much leg and a shirt so tight that Eddie could see every movement of Buck's skin.
Buck started lifting, which wasn't too bad because all Eddie could see were his knees and parts of his forearms, but then, for some reason Eddie couldn't possibly understand, Buck decided it was time for some stretching.
Maybe he'd pulled a muscle lifting, or maybe his bad leg was acting up, Eddie didn't know. All he knew was that the second Buck bent down, Eddie was fucked!
The engine long forgotten, he stood there and started. He couldn't take his eyes off Buck's body, admiring the way it bent and twisted. He was so flexible and Eddie's brain supplied him with images of Buck in his bed, bending under Eddie's hands as he screamed his name.
When their shift was over, Eddie practically ran out of the station, changing as fast as he could, his eyes fixed on his boots and not on Buck. He said a quick goodbye, not waiting for a reply, and hurried to his truck. But before he could get in, a hand landed on his shoulder.
Eddie didn't have to turn around to see who it was, he had memorised Buck's scent and would recognise it anywhere. He tried to put on a relaxed smile and turned around.
Buck looked like a sad puppy and Eddie's heart immediately began to melt. How on earth could he not see how absolutely cute and adorable his best friend was?
Buck didn't seem to be reassured by Eddie's smile. "Hey, uh... did I do something wrong?" he asked in a sad voice.
"What?" Eddie's mind, which had gone through every version of 'why did you keep staring at me', went blank. How could Buck ever think he had done anything wrong? "Buck, no. No, why would you even think that?"
"You basically ran away from me when I showed you the video with the cat?! Did I say something, Eddie? Why are you avoiding me?"
There was so much hurt in his voice that Eddie wanted nothing more than to pull him into a hug and cradle his head against his chest, but judging by the way his body had reacted to Buck all day, that probably wasn't a good idea.
His other option was denying it, especially since there was no way in hell he would ever tell Buck that he wanted to fuck him into oblivion!
"I am not avoiding you." Lie "I just needed to pee." It was the first thing he could think of and Eddie knew immediately that Buck didn't believed a word of what he just said.
Buck frowned slightly but nodded. He seemed to want to say something else, but Eddie put a hand on his shoulder, the only part of Buck he dared touch, and said. "You've got nothing to worry about, Buck." He let go of him as he opened the door to his truck, "See you tomorrow."
He didn't give Buck time to say anything else as he closed the door behind him. He started the car and drove out of the car park with only one thought on his mind. I am in love with my best friend.
This revelation stayed with him for the next few days and was even worse than the need to fuck Buck every time the other touched him or moved in a sexy way, which was apparently every movement.
Eddie really tried to ignore the urges and desires he felt for Buck, but it never quite seemed to work, especially when Buck was working out, his skin glistening with sweat and Eddie's only thought was that he would give anything to lick along Buck's neck. To feel his pulse on his tongue and see how he tasted.
But since that wasn't an option, he started avoiding his best friend more and more. He couldn't really control what happened on calls, but he stopped pressing his thigh against Bucks in the engine. He also stopped sitting next to or opposite him at the dinner table because he couldn't stop himself from envying a stupid fork.
Buck, for his part, did everything he could to be closer to Eddie, or so Eddie thought. He invited him to hang out every day only to be reluctantly turned down with some lame excuse because Eddie didn't think it would end well if he was alone with Buck for more than five minutes.
It was getting harder and harder to say no to him. The sad puppy look on Buck's face seemed to be glued on now and Eddie felt so incredibly guilty about being the reason for it. He never wanted to hurt his friend, but he was afraid that if he told him the truth, he would lose him forever.
So he ran, both figuratively and literally.
It got so bad that even the others noticed. To be fair, Hen probably saw it after Eddie had fled to the showers, but now also Bobby and Chim kept looking at him as if he had committed some heinous crime.
They even tried to talk to him a couple of times, especially after he practically jumped off the couch when Buck sat too close to him, but Eddie managed to avoid them all.
He was sure they had a suspicion about what was going on, as Buck was completely clueless, but Eddie wasn't ready to talk about his feelings for his best friend yet.
He had quickly come to terms with the fact that he clearly liked men and that he was in love with Buck. He was always good at repressing his feelings, only for them to come back and bite him in the ass. No, the thing that surprised him was that it took seeing Buck riding Tommy for him to realise that.
What kind of pathetic and jealous man did he have to be to only discover that he was in love with his best friend after seeing him getting fucked by another man?
Not only did he want to be in Tommy's place, he wanted to drag the man away from Buck and make sure he never touched him again.
But Buck didn't deserve that. He deserved a boyfriend who didn't ruin his relationship with his son, someone whose first instinct wasn't to throw punches.
No, Eddie wasn't worth him, he should just get over his feelings and continue to be Buck's best friend, who was supportive of his actual boyfriend.
And while the rational part of his brain knew all this, the primal, animalistic part demanded that he give Buck what Tommy so clearly couldn't offer.
This went on for about a week, and although he had made some very important discoveries about himself, Eddie had never felt more pathetic in his life. The only thing to top this was the day Chris had left him for his parents. He had felt like a failure as a father, a son and a boyfriend.
He still felt all of that, though muted, but now he was also a failure as a friend. Buck deserved so much better than him.
Buck had always been there for him and all Eddie could think about was how his skin would feel under his hands and tongue or how adorable he would look if he had just woken up in Eddie's bed, next to him.
These thoughts made his heart ache, so he tried to drown them in beer.
Eddie would never risk his job by drinking too much or too close to a shift, but when he had the day off he would sit on his couch and drink, thinking about the fact that he usually spent that time with Buck. This made him even sadder, so he drank more, creating a dangerous cycle that would only be broken when his beer for the day was empty.
After six days of avoiding Buck, the universe seemed to think that enough was enough, or so Buck thought, because he turned up on Eddie's doorstep after a 24-hour shift of barely speaking to each other.
Eddie had just finished his third beer when the doorbell rang. He got up, swaying a little from the mixture of alcohol and lack of sleep, and opened the door.
There he was.
Buck was standing on the porch, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his hoodie, his expression a little uncertain and hurt in a way that made Eddie's stomach turn.
"Hey," Buck said, rocking back on his heels. "Can I come in?"
Eddie blinked at him, not quite sure if this was a dream, a hallucination or just his bad luck. "It's, er, late," he said, his voice raspier than he intended.
Buck shrugged. "Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly sleeping, and you weren't answering my texts. I thought maybe..." His voice trailed off and he shifted awkwardly, not finishing his sentence.
Eddie leaned against the door frame, suddenly aware of how much Buck was looking at him or maybe not looking. His gaze kept darting away, landing on the floor, the edge of the door, anywhere but Eddie's face.
"I'm fine," Eddie said, but it came out too fast, too defensively.
Buck frowned. "Doesn't sound like it. You look..." He paused, scanning Eddie in that way that always made him feel like Buck could see through him. "Tired. And a little drunk."
Eddie snorted. "What gave it away?"
"The beer in your hand. Also the fact that you're leaning on the door like it's the only thing holding you up." Buck's voice was full of concern.
Eddie sighed and stepped back, an unspoken invitation. He was pretty sure this was a bad idea on every level, but the thought of sending Buck away was so impossible he couldn't stop himself.
Buck followed him inside, glancing around the living room. The TV was still on, muted, casting a soft blue light across the room. The coffee table was littered with empty bottles and a half-eaten bag of chips.
"You didn't have to come over," Eddie said, collapsing onto the couch.
"Yeah, I did." Buck sat down beside him, closer than Eddie had expected. "What's going on, Eddie? You've been off all week. More than off!"
Eddie hesitated, gripping the neck of his beer bottle so tightly his knuckles went white. He wanted to brush it off, crack a joke, anything to avoid this conversation. But instead he just remained silent.
That seemed to make Buck even more desperate as he turned his whole body to look at him. "Please, just tell me if I have done something wrong! I can fix it, whatever it is, just... please."
His plea weighed like a stone in his chest, pulling him down and making him angry. Not at Buck, but at himself. He made Buck think he'd done something so wrong that Eddie wouldn't want to talk to him anymore. Sweat, sweat Buck, always looking out for others and Eddie was treating him like shit just because he couldn't get his own feelings under control.
Eddie couldn't take it anymore. His anger clawed at his insides and made his hands shake. He put the beer down, probably with a lot more force than necessary, jumped off the couch and started pacing.
Buck scrambled to his feet, a look of utter desperation on his face. "Eddie, please, just tell me! I..."
But Eddie cut him off. "You've done nothing wrong Buck!" His voice was much harsher than he had intended and he immediately felt guilty when he saw Buck flinch.
"Then what is it?! I can't take this anymore Eddie! What is going on?"
Eddie didn't want to say it, every rational thing in him begged him not to, but he was never good at denying Buck what he asked for. "It's Tommy!" he blurted out, only to regret it a second later.
Buck's face fell at the mention of his boyfriend. "What?" He murmured, "I thought you liked him."
"How can I like someone who has everything I want but can't have?" Eddie's voice was no louder than a whisper, but his confession weighed on them.
He kept his eyes on Buck's crystal blues, trying to read what was written in them. He was scarred to see rejection, but if he was being honest, what scarred him even more was the thought of not telling him everything. He had already ruined their friendship, so why not be completely truthful.
"I can't stop thinking about you, Buck, how good I would make you feel, more how you would taste..." his voice was full of desperation now. "When you wake up, does he even care enough to make you feel special? To kiss you like you're the only thing that matters? Tommy doesn't know you like I do. He doesn't love you like I love you!"
This was it, the moment that would forever be burned into his memory as the moment he had fucked everything up.
For a few seconds it was completely quiet until Buck whispered. "'You love me?"
"I do." There was no point in lying anymore.
"And you want me?"
"More than anything." Eddie glanced down, too ashamed to look at him.
Again silence. There was nothing but Eddie's heart beating deafeningly in his ears, then Buck was suddenly standing right in front of him, his hands on Eddie's face, tilting it up, his breath caressing his skin.
And then there were lips, soft and warm and beautiful lips pressing against his own.
Buck was kissing him, holy shit, Buck was actually kissing him and Eddie was in heaven. The kiss was light and soft but it spoke of so much, their history and friendship both so full of love.
But then Buck pulled back, his hand still on Eddie's face and his eyes full of fear and doubt. Eddie wanted nothing more than to kiss all of that away.
And so he did.