Chapter Text
A heavy banging startles Buck from his rest state.
Okay, less rest state, more rot state, if he’s being totally honest with himself.
He’s on the first of his four days off, and he doesn’t have anywhere else to be since Eddie moved to Texas to be with Chris 2 months ago after about that long planning everything for the move, so he’s rotting in bed.
They still talk regularly about work and what they’re doing in their free time and all of the same things they had before - Eddie’s done nothing that makes Buck worry he’s going to drift out of his life because of the move - but it’s not the same.
He can’t show up at the Diaz house with baked goods and take over Eddie’s kitchen, can’t call to kidnap Chris for the day and go to the science center or the aquarium.
He knew that the Diaz boys took up a lot of his life, but he didn’t realize just how much his world revolved around them until they were gone - 800 miles away and living a life that he wasn’t really a part of anymore.
He understands why, of course. He completely understands that Eddie couldn’t stay here, not when Chris was so far away, physically and emotionally. Knew that Eddie loved Chris too much, loved him too unconditionally to let that distance continue to grow until breaching it felt impossible, and Buck would never even dream of standing in the way of that.
It’s why he broke out the clipboard to help Eddie find a house, and movers, and fill out the paperwork for the transfer down to the FD down in El Paso and never once let the toxic drivel of pitiful fear about being abandoned again fall from his lips, keeping them locked them away like the most confidential of a shady government’s state secrets.
Chris needed Eddie, and Eddie needed Chris, and Buck would never want to stand in the way of his favorite boys getting what they needed.
Having said all of that, he’d be lying if he said he’s handling it well.
Losing Eddie and Chris, having them walk out of his life - even with good reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with him or his failings - has only picked at the long-established wound in his soul that he’ll never be enough for anyone to stay, to choose him.
It’s left his brain a confusing mess of contradicting emotions and he feels like he’s going out of his mind, trying to find which way is up and which way is down.
Eddie has always been his True North, his way home and his guiding light; without him, Buck feels like he’s adrift in the endless, desolate sea, and there’s no way for him to get back to shore - no life vest, no provisions; no hope. There’s only him, struggling with every breath to keep his head above the salty waves and their single-minded mission to drag him down to the depths of the ocean and consume him piece by piece, until he’s unrecognizable in his watery grave, only identifiable by the way Eddie’s name is etched into the very marrow of his bones, stitched into his existence down to a level that even the most ferocious of predators with the sharpest teeth can’t separate.
He’s been doing better, he thinks. Time does that, makes everything feel a little less suffocating. The world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising and bills need to be paid so he goes to work. He goes to work and sees the rest of his family, and he has good days. It’s not all bad, and he tries to cling to the good memories instead of the hole in his chest that used to hold his heart, before Eddie left and took it with him, of course.
Realizing he was in love with his best friend as he watched the plane that was carrying the man firmly out of his life take off was a special kind of awful, though facetimes and video calls do make it easier to hide his feelings than being together in person would.
He wants to kiss Eddie every time his smiling face pops up on his screen, when his laugh echoes down the line, and he’s not sure if he’d be able to control himself if Eddie was right in front of him.
The banging sounds again, reminding him that there, apparently, is someone here for him. He can’t even begin to imagine who it could be, but he throws on a shirt and answers the door anyway.
Marisol does a double take when her eyes land on his, and he knows his own expression matches her surprise.
He hasn’t seen her since their award ceremony, mere days before everything went to shit. After walking in on her boyfriend and a woman who looked exactly like his late wife, Buck kind of figured that he’d never see her again, let alone on Eddie’s front porch.
Oh yeah, did he forget to mention that he bought Eddie’s house when his friend put it on the market? It was really easy, honestly. He just called the realtor Eddie was using and closed on it before it even had a sign out front.
So yeah, maybe “not handling it well” is a bit of an understatement.
“Buck? Uh, hi. I’m- Is Eddie home?” She asks, but Buck’s attention is drawn to her side, where she’s holding a car seat facing away from him, but he’s certain he’s not imagining the tiny gurgles coming from it.
“Uh,” he stutters, brain struggling to piece together the obvious pieces of the puzzle because it sounds so… insane. “No, no, uhm, he’s in Texas right now.”
She looks stricken by that news, and he can see the bags under her eyes now, the exhaustion weighing her down and the additional curves to her face and waist that hadn’t been there before. He wonders just how recently this baby was born.
“Do you know when he’s going to be back?” She looks desperate, her gaze bouncing between her car in the driveway and the space behind him, like he’s wedged his body firmly in the door frame to hide her baby daddy, not his own spiral into insanity.
“Is that-?” He gestures to the baby instead of answering, because the frantic look in her eyes has his first responder hindbrain pricking up. He needs all the information first, he can start making decisions after that.
She nods to his unasked question, gaze falling to the baby and growing shiny. “Yeah, she’s- she’s Eddie’s. I didn’t- I wasn’t sure if I could do this at all, didn’t really want this, let alone with him, after everything that happened; share a kid and be attached to him for 18 years, but termination wasn’t really an option for me, and I had to try. I- once she was born though, I just- I can’t do it, can’t see him in her and relive all of that over and over again. I- I know that I’ll resent her, and that’s so incredibly unfair, because she’s done nothing wrong, but I just- I can’t,” she explains, tears starting to fall from her eyes as she looks back up to him in despair, like she’s begging him to understand.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” he promises. “I’m not judging you, Marisol. You were in an insane situation, and I trust that you’re doing what’s best for you both. Are you alright?”
She sniffles and nods, wiping her nose with the back of her free hand as her shoulders fall a little, like Buck’s judgement was something she was actually worried about. “Yeah, yeah, I’m- physically, I’m fine. The hospital released me earlier, my brother is going to watch over me the next couple weeks, but I just- can you please take her? I can’t- can’t do this, tell Eddie I’m sorry.” She’s crying steadily now as she hands over the baby, sliding the diaper bag off her other shoulder and handing that to him as well before backing away.
“Wait! Her birth certificate and everything,” he calls, and she nods her head.
“It’s all in the diaper bag, along with a couple of the baby things I bought, I just- I’m so sorry. I’m sorry,” she says again before yanking her driver’s side door open and throwing herself into her car and tearing out of the driveway.
Buck looks down at his side, getting his first look at the baby girl that was just thrust into his care.
Her rich brown eyes are open, wide on his like she’s waiting for him to make the first move.
Well, fuck.