Archive of Our Own ^beta

The Co-Evolution Job

Penny’s feet felt like lead as she pushed open the door and stepped into the lobby of her apartment building. She glanced tiredly towards her post-box, before deciding to check it tomorrow. Or the next day. It wasn’t as though she was expecting anything besides bills she couldn’t pay.

She began the slow trudge up the stairs towards where she knew Leonard and Sheldon would have hot pizza waiting for her. All she had to do was make it up to the fourth floor and she would be able to collapse on the couch and not get up again until it was time to go to bed. She was so tired that she thought she probably wouldn’t even bother making her usual token complaint about whatever geeky show the boys decided to watch tonight.

Pausing on the first floor, Penny hitched her bag further up her shoulder before continuing her climb. She didn’t know why she had signed up for a class at the community college. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t already been busy enough with her shifts at the Cheesecake Factory, her acting class, and the auditions she went to every week. Now, with the class she had to attend every Wednesday night, she was lucky if she got one evening at home a week.

She was exhausted and she was only three weeks into the class. Not to mention that she was already behind on the readings. Maybe she should just drop the class and call it a failed experiment. After all, what was she trying to achieve? It wasn’t as though having a degree would help her land acting jobs, and a few community college classes weren’t going to convince the boys that she was anything other than a dumb blond. What was the point?

Except, Wednesday nights were quickly becoming her favourite night of the week. It was the only night of the week that she didn’t feel like a hopeless failure. No one in the history class thought she was dumb, and none of them knew that she was a failing actress. Not to mention that it felt good to be learning something again. Who knew that history could be so interesting?

“...apartment building without an elevator!” A male voice wafted up the stairwell behind her.

The gruff voice that replied was too muffled to Penny to catch the words, but her curiosity was sparked. They’d been waiting to see who would move into the fifth floor apartments since the Nicolls, formerly from 5A, had moved out the same week as the grumpy old lady from 5B.

“A moving company?!” The first voice asked, his tone reminding Penny of Sheldon whenever someone said something particularly stupid. “You think I’d let strangers carry my babies up these stairs? They’d probably knock them against the walls.”

“I’ll knock you against the wall.” The second voice threatened, sounding much closer than it had before.

“No knocking Hardison against walls.” A woman scolded. “I want him in one piece tonight. We’re going to christen our apartment. Every room”

“I don’t want to know that, Parker!”

“Don’t mind him, babe,” The first voice, Hardison, said, starting to sound puffed.

“Eliot’s just mad because we’re moving into the apartment across the hall from him.”

“Of course I’m mad!” Eliot snapped. “You think I want to live across the hall from you?”

Hardison scoffed. “You spent every second night sleeping in the spare room above the Brewery. Admit it, if we’d chosen a different building you’d have just slept on our couch like an overprotective guard dog.”

“I miss the brewery.” The woman, Parker, said with a sigh.

Penny forced her tired legs to speed up as she hit the third floor, she didn’t want to her new neighbours first impression of her to be that of an exhausted waitress with food stains on her blouse.

“Me too.” Hardison said, sounding completely out of breath.

“I miss having an apartment without you two idiots living across the hall.” Eliot grumbled.

“Pause! Pause!” Hardison yelped suddenly. “I need a break. If I don’t put this down I’m going to drop it.”

“I could take over?” Parker offered. “I am stronger than you.”

“You are not stronger than me.” Hardison retorted, puffing between each word.

“Oh, yeah? How many pull ups can you do?”

“Pull ups don’t count. You’re like half my size!” Hardison defended, sounding further away now that Penny was just about at the fourth floor.

“Let’s arm wrestle then.” Parker challenged. “Right here, right now.”

“No arm wrestling.” Eliot ordered, as Penny reached the door to Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. “Parker, grab the other end of this stupid tv.”

Even more curious about the new neighbours than she had been earlier, Penny considered hovering outside the apartment to continue eavesdropping on their conversation, but her aching feet won out.

Pushing open the door, she took in the familiar sight of Sheldon and Leonard sitting together on the couch with two pizza boxes open in front of them.

“Penny, you’re here.” Sheldon announced unnecessarily.

“Hey.” Leonard greeted her, standing up and making his way towards her with a guilty look on his face. “Sorry we started without you. Sheldon insisted. Apparently the pizza was getting cold.”

“It’s fine,” Penny said honestly, accepting Leonard’s welcome kiss. “No point in us all having cold pizza just because I’m late.”

“See, Leonard! Even Penny agrees with me.” Sheldon said, sounding vindicated.

“I could warm you some up in the microwave?” Leonard offered, hovering around her.

“That’d be great.” Penny said, with a weak smile. “I’m exhausted, and my feet are aching.”

Leonard’s eyes lit up. “I could offer you a foot rub?”

Penny barely managed to swallow down her wince. They’d been down this path before. What Leonard really meant was that he wanted to half-heartedly rub her feet for a few minutes before they had sex. She really wasn’t in the mood for that tonight.

“I think I just need to stop standing on them.” Penny sidled past him towards the couch. “Have you seen the new neighbors yet? I heard them on the stairs.”

“You heard them on the stairs?” Sheldon asked, his southern twang clearer than it usually was. “No, no, no, no, no!”

Penny grinned as she remembered the first conversation she and Sheldon had ever had about new neighbours. “Don’t worry, Sheldon. They didn’t sound as though they had peglegs, or high heeled shoes.”

“But you heard them?!” Sheldon glanced despairingly towards the ceiling.

“They were arguing,” Penny explained. “Well, bantering really. Just like you guys do.”

“We don’t banter.” Sheldon sounded offended.

“No,” Leonard agreed dryly from the kitchen. “Banter involves two people talking about interesting things. Sheldon’s monologues are mind numbingly boring.”

Penny sighed as she watched Sheldon’s expression twitch. She didn’t understand why Leonard had to be so mean to Sheldon. “Three people.” She corrected, before elaborating when Leonard and Sheldon looked confused. “There were three people on the stairs.”

“Three people?!” Sheldon sounded horrified. “You mean to say that three people are moving into the apartment above us. Together? Like a pride of lions?”

“Lions?”

“Lions live in prides made up of one male lion and several female lions.” Leonard explained quickly, before Sheldon could get a word in. “They’re polygamists.”

“Actually, Leonard,” Sheldon drew himself up. “Most prides of lions contain more than one male lion. For example an average pride, made up of approximately fifteen lions, is likely to have at least four male lions. Unless you meant a Tsavo Lion pride, because then you’re right. They do only have one male lion in each pride.”

“What about the babies?” Penny asked curiously.

“A male lion is not considered a threat until they reach maturity.” Sheldon explained. “So, for two or three years.”

“Oh,” Penny stored that information away in the part of her brain she had named ‘useless, but interesting facts that I learned from Sheldon’, before turning to attention back to the matter at hand. “I don’t think they’re all living together. I think two of them are moving into one apartment, and one of them is moving into the other one.”

“Did they sound interesting?” Leonard asked, as he passed her a plate of hot pizza.

“Really, Leonard?” Sheldon asked disparagingly. “That’s what you want to know? Whether or not they’re interesting?”

“What else would I ask?” Leonard sat down beside Penny and reached for her right hand.

Penny allowed him to wrap his sweaty hand around her smaller one, before reaching for a slice of pizza with her left hand.

“Oh, I don’t know. Whether or not they sound like the sort of people to throw parties?”

“I don’t think so, Sheldon.” Penny answered, as Leonard’s expression became pinched. “And, yes, Leonard, they sounded pretty interesting. I look forward to meeting them.”

“Hmph,” Sheldon sat back in his seat. “Well, I for one hope that I never have to meet them. Neighbours are better when they are both faceless and nameless.”

“You met me, didn’t you?” Penny asked. “And I’m not so bad.”

“True,” Sheldon acknowledged, in one of those rare moments of affection that assured Penny that he didn’t just see her as a strange interloper in his life. “But not everyone can be as good a neighbour as you, Penny.”

“Aw,” Penny smiled widely. “Thank you, sweetie. I like you too.”

Leonard cleared his throat and squeezed her hand. “So we thought we’d watch some Firefly tonight, if that’s alright with you, Penny?”

“Firefly?” Penny asked, before biting into a slice of pizza. The name of the show sounded familiar, but she wasn’t sure why.

“It’s one of our favourites.” Leonard answered. “I think you’ll like it. It’s about space cowboys.”

Three hours later, Penny was seriously starting to question her life choices. It wasn’t even that the show was bad. In fact, compared to some of the other shows she had watched with Leonard, it was actually pretty good. Though, she wasn’t sure why Leonard had described the show as being about ‘space cowboys’. It took more than horses, accents, and dirty clothing to make a cowboy and so far she hadn’t seen any sign that of the characters even knew their way around a lasso.

In all honesty though, Penny’s biggest problem with the show the ongoing flirtation between the captain and Inara. Here was a beautiful, confident, professional woman (even if her profession was being a hooker), and she was crushing on a rude, dirty, arrogant man who regularly dismissed her and called her a whore. She didn’t understand what Inara saw in him.

Was it some kind of stockholm syndrome? Like, they’d spent so much time crammed together in that grubby spaceship that Inara just couldn’t help it? Sort of like how in ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Belle falls in love with the monster.

Or maybe it just came down to a lack of options. After all, the captain might be rude, but at least he wasn’t as bad as the hot guy, or married like the short guy, or prissy like the doctor. Maybe Inara was just desperate for someone to flirt with, and the captain was the least of the evils.

Either way, Penny found the whole thing hitting her uncomfortably close to home. Leonard might not have been rude, but there wasn’t a day when she didn’t feel as though he was dismissing her as being stupid and uneducated. He wasn’t even that subtle about it anymore.

Not to mention that, while Leonard wasn’t dirty, some days she could feel her skin crawling when he touched her. Which was a problem, because he touched her all the time. Like now, when he had one hand on her thigh and the other holding her hand.

She didn’t understand what was wrong with her. Cuddling had never been a problem for her before. She had fond memories of curling up next to Kurt while they watched a movie, and she had loved it when Zack had held her hand. So why was it different with Leonard?

It wasn’t really a problem - most of the time she could push through the feeling and, on the occasions when she couldn’t, a glass of wine worked wonders - but she couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable as she compared her and Leonard’s relationship with Inara and Mal’s.

Which was horrible of her. Leonard was great. Really great. He was sweet (most of the time), and funny (well, dorky), and smart, and he totally didn’t deserve to have her sitting next to him doubting their relationship.

She just wished she could get the whole thing out of her mind. She couldn’t break up with Leonard. All she needed to do was remember why she had started dating him in the first place. He was sweet, and great, and funny, and smart, and, man she really ought have more than four good things she could say about her boyfriend.

The problem was that, she was pretty sure that she’d just started dating Leonard because he had been there. She’d spent a lot of time with him because he and Sheldon were her friends, and he’d asked her out so many times that it had just seemed like the logical next step to take. Just like Mal and Inara. Sort of. If you squinted a bit.

Which really wasn’t a flattering comparison.

Glancing at Leonard out of the corner of her eye, Penny tried to think of something that would make their relationship seem more healthy and less boring. He was sweet, and smart, and funny, and, and, and...

Damn it!

1-1-1

Six days later

“...knock, knock, Penny.”

Penny opened her in surprise, before screaming at the sight of a man standing over her while she slept. When she eventually calmed down enough to recognise the man, who was now also screaming, as Sheldon she sat up and reached towards the light.

“Sheldon! What are you doing in my room?”

Sheldon frowned. “You frightened me!”

“I frightened you?” Penny asked, pulling her blankets up to her chin. “You were standing over me in the dark!”

“I knocked at your front door.” Sheldon defended himself. “But you didn’t answer.”

“Because I was asleep! It’s the middle of the night!”

“Well, you’re awake now.” Sheldon pointed out, moving to sit awkwardly on the edge of Penny’s bed.

Penny sighed as she shuffled over to make room for him. How was this her life? “What do you want, Sheldon?”

“I was having trouble sleeping,” Sheldon admitted. “And I thought that, since we’re both awake, we could talk.”

Penny groaned. “Talk about what?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sheldon said casually. “The weather, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such a desirable boyfriend?”

Penny didn’t even know where to start, though she was starting to have an idea of who to blame. “Sheldon, what did Amy tell you?”

Sheldon’s eyes widened in surprise, as though he hadn’t expected Penny to catch him out. “She told me that you are thinking about breaking up with Leonard.”

Penny leaned back against her pillows with an explosive sigh. She knew she shouldn’t have talked about Leonard with Amy and Bernadette. “And so you thought you’d come over here and talk me out of it in the middle of the night to protect your friend?”

“This isn’t about Leonard.” Sheldon protested. “This is about me! Do you know what homeostasis is, Penny?”

Penny closed her eyes. “Of course I don’t.”

“Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and contain a constant condition of properties, like temperature or PH.”

“Get to the point, Sheldon!”

“I don’t like when things change.” Sheldon admitted. “So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard.”

“Sheldon,” Penny started more gently than she felt. “Even if I do break up with Leonard, and I’m not saying I will, that doesn’t meant that things will change between us. We can still hang out.”

“Oh really?” Sheldon asked sceptically. “Because last time you broke up with Leonard things were awkward for months!”

“Which made you uncomfortable?”

“Of course it did!”

Penny reached out a hand to touch Sheldon’s arm, before quickly drawing it back when she remembered who she was talking to. “Sweetie, if I stay with Leonard, I might be uncomfortable for the rest of my life. Is that what you want?”

Sheldon frowned. “Leonard makes you that uncomfortable?”

Penny tightened her grip on her blanket as her stomach twisted guiltily. What was she saying? “Not always but, yeah, sometimes.”

“Then why are you still dating him?”

“Because if I break up with him it will be like kicking a puppy.” Penny answered, before thinking about it. Which, now that she heard herself, was like the worst reason to be in a relationship with anyone. “And because you guys are my friends and I don’t want to lose you.”

“I understand.” Sheldon nodded solemnly. “You’re a fan of homeostasis also.”

Heavy footsteps in her living room had Penny sitting up in fright again. “What was that?”

“Ma’am?” A strange man put his head through her door. “Are you alright? Is this man bothering you?”

“What?” Penny stared at the man in confusion. Well, confusion and a bit of lust. He was hot!

“I heard screaming.” The man answered, crossing his arms and glaring at Sheldon.

“That was me.” Sheldon answered. “Penny frightened me.”

“I frightened you?!” Penny asked, turning to glare at her friend. “You were standing over me in the dark!”

The man raised his eyebrows, glancing between them. “Well, then. I’ll just be on my way.”

“Thank you!” Penny blurted out quickly, before the man could disappear. “I appreciate you coming to try and save me. I’m Penny, by the way.”

“Eliot.” The man said, with a southern drawl and the hottest smirk Penny had ever seen. “I moved into 5B a few days ago.”

“Oh blow!” Sheldon looked put out. “I hate meeting new neighbours.”

1-1-1

As Penny woke up the next morning she buried her head in her pillow and groaned as the memory of her and Sheldon’s midnight conversation filtered into her brain. She wasn’t sure what disturbed her most: that Sheldon was still breaking into her apartment six years into their friendship; that her response to the invasion was now to submit to a midnight conversation; or that their totally hot new neighbour thought that she was a weirdo.

Pulling herself out of bed, Penny stumbled into the bathroom and blanched at the sight of her reflection in the mirror. She really hoped that her hair hadn’t looked that bad during the night. It would have made a terrible first impression on Eliot (if the sight of her and Sheldon on the bed together hadn’t been bad enough), and she tried to always make a good impression on guys as sexy as her new neighbour.

Not that she was interested in him. She was with Leonard and, despite what she’d said to Sheldon, she really wasn’t convinced that breaking up with him was the right choice. So what if it was nice to have a guy around who would run to the rescue of a woman without carrying a plastic lightsaber to protect him? And what did it matter if Eliot’s looks and southern drawl had produced sparks in her that she hadn’t felt in years?

Leonard was great, and nice, and funny, and … and if she broke up with him then things would be awkward and so she’d probably end up losing most of her friends, and…

Penny sighed and frowned at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t keep going over the same points over and over again. Especially now that Amy had blabbed about it to Sheldon. After all, if Amy had blabbed to Sheldon, then Bernadette would probably blab to Howard the first chance she got, and once that many people in the group knew something it was only a matter of time until everyone knew.

She couldn’t let Leonard find out that she had been considering breaking up with him without having something to tell him when he confronted her. Which, given the rate of gossip amongst their friends, meant she should probably have an answer before their date that night. Which meant that she needed a more effective decision making technique than just running around in circles in her head.

1-1-1

Penny always felt intimidated when she visited Leonard at Caltech. She wasn’t a stranger to being the stupidest person in the room - that was pretty much her entire social life - but the knowledge that she was the stupidest person in the building made her feel small and lacking in some way. It was the same feeling she got whenever she said something that made Amy and Bernadette smirk at each other, and she didn’t like it.

Making her way through the halls, Penny tried to ignore the way it felt as though everyone was staring at her. When she was younger she would have gotten up into their faces and confronted them.

“Yeah, that’s right!” She could imagine herself saying. “Uneducated, white trash walking here. But at least I can get laid if I want to.”

Of course, now she knew just how ape-like these kinds of people thought she was and she’d come to realise just how useless her looks were in the real world. These guys might be weird and geeky, but at least they didn’t have to spend their lives bringing other people food. What had her looks ever gotten her? (Aside from Leonard that was.) Certainly not an acting career.

It was relief to find the office she was looking for and, pointedly ignoring the familiar looking guy who had been following her for the last few corridors, Penny knocked on the door.

Knock, knock. “Sheldon.” Knock, knock. “Sheldon.” Knock, knock. “Sheldon.”

“Wearly?” Her stalker asked incredulously. “You’re wooking for Cwooper?”

“Come on, answer the door.” Penny urged Sheldon under her breath, as stalker started to approach her.

The door swung open to reveal Sheldon standing on the other side with a confused frown. “Penny? What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you.” Penny said, moving past Sheldon into the office.

Sheldon turned towards her. “But I’m working.”

“Yeah, and last night I was sleeping.” Penny retorted flatly, before regretting it when her stalker made an excited noise.

“Cwooper! You dog!”

Sheldon turned back to frown forbiddingly at him. “Go away, Kripke.”

“Isn’t Woxanne Hofstadter’s giwlfwiend?” Kripke asked, moving to stand in the doorway.

Penny grimaced as she remembered why Kripke looked familiar. He’d been the guy who had declared that Penny wasn’t a ‘hot enough’ name and so he was going to rename her. He was as bad as Howard had been before he met Bernadette.

“She is,” Sheldon allowed. “Though I fail to see how that is any business of yours.”

Kripke’s expression was almost predatory. “I’m sure Hofstadter would be intewested to heaw about the secwet wiasion you’re having.”

Penny didn’t have time for this. “We’re just talking, you creepy, little nerd.” She snapped, before swinging the door shut in his face.

“Kripke isn’t a nerd.” Sheldon corrected her, moving to stand next to his whiteboard that was covered in all kinds of squiggles that she didn’t recognise.

“I don’t care about Kripke.” Penny said, looking around the office for a place to sit. There was Sheldon’s chair, but who knew what kind of stink he’d put up if she sat there. “I need to talk to you about last night.”

“What aspect of last night do you wish to discuss? Your maiden viewing of the show Firefly? When you tricked me into meeting one of our new neighbours?”

“I tricked you?” Penny asked incredulously, as she pushed herself up onto the edge of Sheldon’s desk. “He never would have come down if you hadn’t been hovering over me while I slept.”

“Penny, you can’t sit on my desk.”

“Well, I’m about to spend the rest of the day on my feet, so I’m not standing.” Penny said. “Do you want me to sit on your desk or your chair?”

Sheldon considered that for a few seconds. “You may sit on my chair on this one occasion.”

Penny’s eyebrows rose in surprise as she hopped off the desk and moved around towards the seat. “Thanks, Sheldon. That’s really nice of you.”

“You said that wanted to talk.” Sheldon watched her expectantly.

“Yeah,” Penny’s mouth felt dry. “I need you to help me decide whether or not I should stay with Leonard.”

Sheldon looked uncomfortable. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Sheldon sighed. “Penny, Leonard’s my friend, so I don’t want to you to break up with him.”

“I know, Sheldon…”

“I wasn’t finished.” Sheldon interrupted sternly. “As Leonard’s friend, I think you should stay with him. But, you’re my friend too and, if being with Leonard makes you uncomfortable, I think you should break up with him.”

“Aww,” Penny couldn’t hide her smile. “You’re my friend too, sweetie. And I don’t want you to make the decision for me. I want you to teach me how you make these kinds of decisions. I keep going around and around in my head and I’m not getting anywhere.”

“Penny,” Sheldon started, his tone condescending. “I’m a theoretical physicist and you’re just a waitress…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Penny rolled her eyes, she’d heard it all before. “Dumb it down for me then. What’s the first thing you do when you’re trying to decide between two different options? Like, what do you do when you’re trying to decide what to eat?”

“I don’t need to decide what to eat.” Sheldon retorted. “On Mondays I have Mee Krob and Chicken Satay with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace. On Tuesdays we eat at the Cheesecake Factory so I have…”

“The Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger, with barbecue, bacon and cheese on the side.” Penny finished for him. “Alright, how did you decide to date Amy?

“I didn’t. Wolowitz and Koothrappali blackmailed me with a dirty sock.”

“What?”

“Koothrappali told me that he had hidden a dirty sock in the apartment and that he would only tell me its location if I met Amy.” Sheldon explained. “He was lying of course, but I couldn’t take the risk.”

“But then you kept texting her.” Penny pointed out. “And you signed that stupid relationship agreement thing. What made you decide to do that?”

“My mother’s happiness.” Sheldon answered simply. “I knew that my relationship with Amy made my mother happy.”

“So you’re dating Amy to make your mother happy?” Penny asked incredulously.

“I made a friend in highschool to make my mother happy. I don’t see how this is any different.” Sheldon said. “Besides, as I told you, Penny, I am a fan of homeostasis.”

Penny pulled out her cellphone and checked the time, before leaping to her feet. “Damn it, I’m going to be late. Thanks for your help, sweetie. Have a good day.”

Sheldon looked confused. “How was our conversation about Amy and my relationship agreement helpful?”

“It helped me make up my mind.” Penny explained, as she pulled open the door. “I know what I need to do.”

1-1-1

Penny wished that she could have gone straight to Leonard’s office and broken up with him then and there, but she knew that Leonard deserved better. Not to mention that she was already going to be late to work. The problem was that she had to get through a long, boring shift at work, and then a long (though not so boring) history lecture, with the knowledge that she was breaking up with Leonard that evening on her mind.

It wasn’t that she was still unsure about the decision - her conversation with Sheldon had settled that for her - but, despite everything, she really hated knowing that she was going to hurt Leonard. She never should have agreed to go out with him again.

She was reminded of something her night class teacher had said during their first class. Something about how people should learn from history so that they didn’t remake the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe if she’d been smart enough to learn from her and Leonard’s history they wouldn’t have ended up here again - with her hurting him, and making life awkward for all their friends as they had to suffer through yet another break up.

Penny rubbed her forehead in an attempt to hide the tears that had sprung into her eyes. Pretty much everything in her life seemed to come back to the fact that she was the stupid one, and she was tired of not ever being smart enough.

“Alright, one last thing,” Their teacher said, as she wound the lecture down. “Your first assignment is due in four weeks, so by now I expect you to have all started on your research. Remember that you have full access to the library here on campus, and you’re welcome to use the online databases too. Each paper needs at least five references in order to receive a passing grade.”

Penny gritted her teeth and blinked away her tears. Now was not the time or the place to have a breakdown. Even if she didn’t even know what the assignment was supposed to be about, let alone had started researching for it. Even if she was exhausted and didn’t know how she was supposed to keep juggling work, acting, and studying. Even if she had screwed up her life over a boy again, and now had to go and break his heart.

As soon as the teacher dismissed the class, Penny shoved everything into her bag and quickly made her way towards the door. She would look at the assignment sheet tomorrow, and then maybe see if she could figure out how to use the online databases. Right now she just needed to get out of the room before she burst into tears.

Penny made it all the way to the carpark before the tears started rolling down her cheeks. She swiped them away in frustration as she fast walked in the direction of the car. She didn’t even know what she was crying about. So what if she was stupid? She’d known that for years and could only count the number of times she had cried over it on one hand.

She was probably just tired and hormonal. Not that she would admit that second part to anyone – Sheldon would have a field day if she ever admitted that maybe he was right about some of her mood swings being related to her cycle.

Unlocking her car, Penny got in, turned the key in the ignition, and began to reverse out of the park. She needed to pull herself together. If she didn’t stop crying soon then her eyes would still be puffy when she got home, and then Leonard would be all caring and sympathetic and it would be that much harder to do what she needed to do.

Sniffing back her tears, Penny clenched her teeth and forced down the exhausted emotion that was welling within her. No crying. She was an actress. She could do this. She could pretend to be okay for a few hours and then later, when she’d broken up with Leonard and was alone in her apartment, she would let herself cry for as long as she wanted to.

For now though, she just needed to distract herself. Turning up the radio, Penny nodded along to the song by P!nk for a few lines before beginning to sing along,

“You're up then you're down, You're wrong when it's right, It's black and it's white…”

Penny’s throat was started to feel a bit hoarse by the time she scored a park outside her apartment building, but the rear-vision mirror showed no signs of her tears so she chalked it up as a win.

Heaving her bag out of the car and onto her shoulder, Penny locked the car behind her and made for the building door. She reached out to pull it open, before suddenly noticing that the glass door’s reflection showed someone standing behind her.

Letting out a terrified scream, Penny spun around and almost dropped her bag in an attempt to find the pepper spray that was somewhere in the bottom of it.

“Oh, you’re the screamer from last night.” The tiny, blond woman realised perkily. “If Eliot were here, he would probably say that you have a very distinctive scream.”

Penny didn’t know if she had ever felt so ridiculous. Since when was she jumpy enough to be scared by the reflection of a woman smaller than she was?

“Sorry,” Penny grimaced, feeling heat spreading across her cheeks. “I’m not normally this much of a scaredy cat. I just didn’t hear you.”

The woman winced. “Hardison’s always telling me that I should make noise when I walk, but sometimes I forget.”

Pushing the door open, Penny stepped through and then held it open for her companion. “So you’re one of our new neighbours, right?”

“Oh, yeah.” The woman held out her hand formally. “I’m Parker. I just moved into the fifth floor with Hardison and Eliot. Well, not with Eliot. He always gets growly when I say that I’ve moved in with him. Hardison and I moved across the hall from Eliot.”

Penny couldn’t help the smile spreading across her face as she shook the offered hand. The woman had a really strong handshake. “I’m Penny. I live on the fourth floor.”

“Yeah, Eliot mentioned.” Parker said, as they began to make their way up the stairs.

“He did?” Penny winced. “Well, that’s embarrassing.”

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed. We were just worried, you see. Me and Hardison, I mean. But we’re not as fast as Eliot, so we were just coming down the stairs when he was on his way back up.”

“I woke you up too?” Penny groaned. “Oh, man, just when I think that it couldn’t get any worse. I must have woken up the whole building.”

“Oh, Hardison and I weren’t sleeping,” Parker corrected. “We were having sex.”

Penny couldn’t hold in her startled laugh. “What, really?”

“It’s why it took us so long to come down.” Parker confessed, without any sign of shame. “Hardison said that we had to put some clothes on first.”

This time Penny didn’t even try and prevent herself from laughing. “That was probably a good idea. You’d probably have given Sheldon a stroke if you’d burst into my apartment naked.”

“Sheldon was the man who was with you?”

“Yeah,” Penny nodded. “But we’re not dating or anything. He was just in my room because he wanted to talk. Sheldon’s great, but he doesn’t really get people. So he broke into my apartment and then stood over me until I woke up. Cue screaming.”

Parker looked interested. “I did that once. I wanted to see how long it would take Hardison to wake up. He screamed really high, and then he made me promise never to do it again.”

“You’re not genius level smart, are you?” Penny asked suddenly, she didn’t know if she could handle a cute, blond genius today.

“Ha!” Parker let out a strange bark of laughter. “No, I didn’t even go to high school.”

“Why not?”

“I was homeless.”

And, damn, Penny really didn’t know what to say. “Wow, that must have been hard.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Parker shrugged. “It got fun though after I met Archie. He taught me how to do all kinds of awesome things.”

“Right,” Penny really hoped that wasn’t like it sounded. “So, uh, what do you do now?”

“Me, Hardison, and Eliot help people.” Parker answered simply. “We provide leverage.”

“Oh, cool.” Penny didn’t think she’d ever heard such a vague job description. “What brought you to Pasadena?”

“Things got…,” Parker paused, as though trying to find the right adjective. “…difficult in Portland, and Eliot was sick and tired of living somewhere that was always cloudy. He says it makes all the fruit and vegetables taste weird. Hardison and I couldn’t taste the difference, but Eliot’s the one who does all the cooking, so we moved here.”

“Well, it’s definitely not cloudy in California.” Penny grinned, her interest piqued. “Eliot cooks?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s his second favourite thing to do, after, uh,” Parker paused again, “Martial arts.”

“He fights?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Now that’s my kind of hobby,” Penny said, admiringly. “Most of my friends just play computer games, and board games, and card games, and watch sci-fi movies.”

“Hardison does that.” Parker said. “He’s teaching me how to play too.”

“I played Age of Conan once,” Penny admitted. “It can see why they like it so much.”

“Age of Conan’s fun,” Parker agreed. “You can be all sneaky and steal things.”

“You can?” Penny had never tried that. “I guess I’m more of a fighter than a thief.”

“Eliot is too.” Parker admitted. “And Hardison likes to do stuff from a distance. We’re pretty much the perfect team.”

“Eliot plays video games too?” Penny asked, feeling strangely let down. Were there any guys left in existence who weren’t geeks?

“Ha!” Parker let out her weird laugh again. “No. He’d probably get frustrated and kill Hardison’s computer.”

“Eliot sounds like my kind of guy.” Penny admitted, before thinking.

“He thinks you’re hot.” Parker said, without any kind of guile.

Penny stopped in place. “What, really?” She asked, before having to speed up to catch up with Parker who had just reached the fourth floor. “Did he say that?”

“No, but I can tell. You’re definitely his type.”

“Oh,” Penny allowed herself a sliver of hope. “Well, uh, don’t tell him I asked, okay?”

Parker stopped and turned to give Penny an uncomfortably searching look. “Like a secret? Does this mean we’re friends?”

Oh, crap, Penny swallowed down her wince as she was reminded of the first time she had asked Amy to keep a secret for her. She didn’t have room in her life for more obsessive, self-appointed best friends who stuck to her like Velcro.

“Of course,” Penny said, desperately hoping that Parker wouldn’t do an ‘Amy’. “We’re neighbours, right? Might as well be friends too. We should get coffee sometime.”

Parker looked delighted. “Tomorrow?’

“Uh,” Penny winced, that was really soon and she didn’t want to seem too keen. “Sorry, I’m all booked out tomorrow. How about Friday night?”

“We’re going out of town on Friday.” Parker said. “For work.”

“We’ll have to do it when you get back then.” Penny promised. “How about I give you my number and you text me?”

“Okay.” Parker agreed perkily, pulling phone out of her pocket fiddling with it for a few seconds before handing it over.

“Wow,” Penny looked the phone over with wide eyes. “This is nice.”

“Hardison gave it to me. Phones and computers are kind of his thing.”

“Very cool,” Penny quickly typed her details into the new contact form. “Well, I guess I’ll see you when you get back.”

Parker accepted the phone back and grinned. “See you then.” She chirped, before darting up the stairs.

Penny stared after her, more bemused than anything. What was it about her that attracted weird people? Though, to be fair, Parker wasn’t nearly as weird as Amy, or Sheldon, or Raj, or even Howard really. Maybe she be fun to hang out with. Maybe she’d be a port in the storm if Penny lost her friends in the break up.

Or, better yet, maybe she’d be willing to introduce Penny to Eliot. Penny knew for a fact that she was going to be craving some hot, steamy sex in the next few weeks, and Eliot was definitely steamy.

1-1-1

Pushing open her door, Penny tried to bite down on the frustration that rose within her at the sight of Leonard sitting on her couch. What was it with him and Sheldon thinking they could just break into her apartment any time they wanted to? Just because they’d arranged to have dinner didn’t give Leonard the right to let himself into her apartment and wait for her there. He lived across the hall for goodness sake. How difficult would it have been for him to wait in his apartment for her to get home?

“Hey,” She forced a smile for Leonard, and ignored the desire to break up with him then and there. “Just let me get changed and I’ll be right out.”

“Hey,” Leonard gave her one of his pleading, apologetic smiles that he always made when he sensed that she was upset. “Are you alright?”

“Just tired,” Penny answered, moving past him into her bedroom. “It’s been a long day. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“I could come in with you and cheer you up?” Leonard offered in what was, in Penny’s opinion, one of the most self-serving offers of help in history. She really wasn’t going to miss Leonard’s constant attempts to get into her pants, or his subpar love making for that matter.

“I’m looking forward to dinner,” She deflected. “Can you pour me a drink? There’s wine in the fridge.” If there had ever been a conversation that she needed wine for, this was it.

By the time Penny emerged a few minutes later, a glass of wine was sitting on the coffee table beside the Chinese food containers, and Leonard was sitting on her couch looking as though he thought he’d earned himself some kind of prize. Which admittedly was probably an unfair judgment for her to make, but Penny was well past caring.

“Thanks for waiting,” She perched herself on the couch beside him and reached for the chopsticks. “It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah,” Leonard reached for his box of takeaway and a fork. “I heard you were at the university this morning?”

Penny blinked in surprise. She’d completely forgotten to consider that Kripke would tell tales to Leonard. “Kripke, right?”

“Yeah,” Leonard’s shrug was far too casual to be believed. “He had this weird story about you and Sheldon hooking up in his office, and about how the two of you were together last night.”

Penny forced a laugh. “Yeah, well, you know how Sheldon in. He decided that he had something he wanted to talk to me about so, he broke into my apartment, stood over me while I slept, and then woke me up by knocking on my wall. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed that loud in my life.”

“That was you?”

“You heard me?” Penny asked. “Why didn’t you come and check that I was alright?”

“I didn’t know it was you.”

Penny couldn’t help but remember how Parker had recognised her by the sound of her scream, and how Eliot, Parker, and Hardison had apparently all come running to the rescue of a screaming stranger.

“Yeah, well, we didn’t get to finish our conversation because one of the new neighbours came running down to make sure I was alright. It was the weirdest scene. Me in bed, Sheldon sitting on my bed, and Eliot staring at us like we were crazy people.” Penny explained. “So, anyway, I went to visit Sheldon at the university before work so we could finish our conversation.”

Leonard bristled jealously. “Eliot?”

“He’s the new guy in 5B.” Penny explained.

“And he saw you in bed?”

“Really, Leonard? I was so scared that I screamed loud enough for the people on the fifth floor to hear me, and you’re jealous that the guy who came to save me saw me in bed?”

Leonard’s expression was sour. “It was just Sheldon. I don’t see why you had to scream so loudly. I don’t scream when I wake up with him standing over me.”

“Well, good for you.” Penny retorted sarcastically, shifting away from Leonard so that she was pushed up against the side of the couch. She was definitely going to break up with him. She just had to figure out how to bring it up.

There was a long awkward silence, before Leonard spoke again. “I took Sheldon to the dentist this morning. I promised if that, if he didn’t bite the hygienist, I’d take him for ice cream. I didn’t have to buy him the ice cream.”

“Uh, huh.” Penny said automatically, still wracking her brain for a way to move to the conversation to them breaking up.

“You okay?” Leonard asked. “You seem sort of distracted.”

“Not really,” Penny admitted, leaning forward to place her food on the table in front of her. “Look, Leonard, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Okay.”

“But I don’t really know how to say it.”

“Just say it.” Leonard encouraged.

Penny turned to give him her full attention, before wincing when he saw the wide-eyed pleading expression he was giving her. This was not going to be easy.

“Listen,” She started. “We’ve been dating again for, like, five months, right?”

“Five months and twenty six days.” Leonard clarified, his pleading expression becoming more intense.

“Right,” Penny sighed. “See, the thing is, it’s just not working for me.”

“What?” Leonard looked like she’d shot his dog or something.

“You’re great,” Penny continued. “You really are, but I just don’t think that we’re a good fit.”

“Of course we are!” Leonard defended quickly. “We’re a great fit!”

“We don’t have anything in common.” Penny pointed out. “No shared hobbies, nothing. And, no, sex doesn’t count as a shared hobby.”

Leonard was starting to look desperate. “I don’t understand. Where is this coming from? I thought we were fine.”

“You might be fine, but I’m not.” Penny tried to explain. “I’m not happy, Leonard, and when Bernadette asked me if I could see us getting married one day, I didn’t feel hope. I felt dread.”

“But we’re not getting married.” Leonard pointed out.

“Not now,” Penny acknowledged. “But one day, you’re going to ask me to marry you and I’m going to feel horrified rather than joyful. Don’t you think you deserve someone who will feel joyful?”

“But I love you!”

“I know you do,” Penny sighed, feeling like the worst person in the world. “But I don’t love you.”

“You don’t love me yet.” Leonard said, leaning towards her with a pleading expression. “And if you break up with me then you’ll never have the chance to fall in love with me.”

“I don’t want to fall in love with you.” Penny snapped in frustration. “I just told you that the thought of spending forever with you fills me with dread. Why don’t you care what I want?”

Leonard’s expression darkened. “Is this what you and Sheldon were talking about? Did he tell you to break up with me?”

“What? No!” Penny stared at him incredulously. “Why would you even think of that? Sheldon’s your friend. He was trying to talk me out of breaking up with you.”

“So he knew?” Leonard’s jaw tightened angrily. “What, did everyone know before me?”

“No!” Penny retorted. “I just told Amy and Bernadette that I was considering it, and then Amy told Sheldon, and Sheldon woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me not to hurt you.”

“It didn’t stop you though, did it?” Leonard asked. “Why did you even bother agreeing to go out with me again if you knew that you were just going to break up with me again?”

“You think I did this on purpose?! I didn’t know back then, Leonard. Isn’t that what dating is for? Figuring out whether or not you can love that person?”

“But I do love you!” Leonard shouted, pushing himself to her feet. “And you just don’t care.”

“Of course I care!” Penny stood up too. “I’ve been feeling awful about this all day. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“So don’t,” Leonard’s pleading expression was back. “Let’s just forget about all this.”

“You deserve better, Leonard,” Penny said tiredly. “And so do I.”

“You mean you deserve taller,” Leonard snapped angrily. “There are more important things than appearance, Penny.”

“No, I mean I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m stupid.” Penny snapped. “And I deserve to be with someone who cares about the fact that I’m unhappy.”

“I care!” Leonard retorted. “And I’ve never once told you that you’re stupid!”

“No, you just think it really loudly. And you only care so long as you can still get what you want. You’re selfish, Leonard.”

“I’m selfish?!” Leonard exploded. “Everything about this relationship has always been about you and what you want!”

“So why are you so desperate to stay together?” Penny asked sarcastically. “If I’m so selfish, why are you still willing to put up with it?”

“Because you’re hot!”

Penny’s eyes pricked with tears, exhaustion suddenly hitting her like a train. “Go away, Leonard.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Leonard stepped towards her stubbornly. “You can’t break up with me. I won’t let you.”

“Yes, I can.” Penny said, moving so that the couch was between them. She hated the fact that she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks. “Do you know why? Because I’m a person, not one of those sex dolls that Howard kept trying to build before he met Bernadette. There’s more to me than just my looks, and I deserve more than anyone who thinks otherwise. Now get out of my apartment.”

Leonard swallowed, looking as though the weight of his words had only just hit him. “Penny, I…”

“Get out, Leonard!” Penny snapped, her entire body beginning to heave with her tears. “Get out, get out, get out!”

“Penny…” Leonard stepped towards her.

“GET OUT!”

Leonard stumbled backwards in surprise, before straightening his shoulders and glaring sourly at her. “You’ll regret this, Penny. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“No, Leonard,” Penny shook her head. “You’re really not. Now get out of my apartment before I go all Nebraska on your ass.”

For a moment it looked as though Leonard was willing to call her bluff, but then he turned around and stormed out of her apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Unwilling to risk him coming back, Penny moved quickly to the door and checked that it was locked. It was, but it wasn’t all that reassuring given that Leonard had a key. She’d need to get that off him, or get her locks changed.

The sound of her phone ringing, startled Penny’s attention away from the door and she winced when she realised that she’d just been staring at it like some kind of heartsick moron. Collapsing down onto the couch, Penny reached for her phone with one hand and her untouched wine with the other. She looked at the caller ID, expecting to see Amy’s name, but was surprised to see that an unknown number was calling.

Sitting up straighter, and wiping at the tears with the back of her hand, Penny answered the call.

“This is Penny.”

“Penny, this is Parker.” Her new friend sounded worried, and Penny’s stomach twisted in shame as she realised that the new neighbours had probably heard her and Leonard’s fight.

“Hey, Parker,” Penny slouched against the back of the couch. “Sorry about all the yelling.”

“Are you okay?” Parker asked. “Because if you’re not Eliot can come down and kick some ass.” A male voice murmured in the background. “Oh, right, we need some kind of code. Uh, if you’re okay tell me you like chocolate and…”

“Parker, I’m fine,” Penny interrupted, amusement rising within her despite everything that had just happened. “I just broke up with my boyfriend and he didn’t take it that well.”

“He didn’t hit you, did he?” Parker was still sounding worried. “Because we have strong feelings about men who hit women. Strong, strong feelings.”

“Hit me?” Penny sniggered, despite herself. “Leonard couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Besides, I could totally kick his ass if he tried. Thanks for checking in on me again.”

“No problem.” Parker was sounding perky again. “Eliot was just going to charge downstairs again, but I thought we should probably ring first. No one wants a broken door.”

“Tell him thanks.” Penny said, a warm feeling spreading through her. “I really appreciate the thought, and I’ll try to keep the noise down from now on.”

“Penny says thanks.” Parker relayed, without taking her mouth away from the phone. There was a murmur in the background again. “Eliot says you’re welcome.” Then, after yet another murmur in the background, “Do you want to eat some ice cream?”

Penny didn’t answer, unsure of whether or not the question had been intended for her. On the one hand, it had sounded as though Parker had been speaking to her, but on the other hand she had no idea why Parker was asking.

“Hardison says that girls always eat ice cream with their friends after breakups.” Parker said, matter-of-factly.

“That’s sweet,” Penny smiled weakly. “But I’m more of a wine kind of girl.”

“I drink wine.” Parker chirped, before the background murmurs started up again. “What, I do. It’s not like we’re working.” She defended. “And we’re friends. Penny said so.”

Penny barely managed to swallow down her laugh. “Thanks, Parker, but I think I just want to be alone tonight. Another night, okay?”

“Sure.” Parker agreed easily. “Have a good night.”

“You too.” Penny answered, before letting the phone drop onto the couch beside her. She took a large gulp of wine, and then shuddered as she forced herself to swallow. Damn, when had she opened this bottle? It was awful.

Standing up, Penny searched her cupboard for more alcohol, before finally finding a half full bottle of schnapps. Unscrewing the lid, Penny took a long drink straight from the bottle and carried it back to the couch.

Had Leonard always been like that? Wanting her because of her looks alone? Hadn’t there ever been anything more to their relationship?

She snorted self-deprecatingly, of course not. Leonard had been panting after her like a bitch in heat since the day she’d moved in, and the only thing he’d known about her then had been that she had blond hair, long legs, and boobs.

She didn’t even know why she was surprised. It wasn’t as though any of the other guys she had dated had thought any differently. Kyle, Zac, Mike, they’d all dated her because they wanted to have a hot girlfriend. What more was there even to like about her? She wasn’t smart. She wasn’t successful. She was just a broke waitress whose only real asset was her appearance.

Swallowing down another few mouthfuls of schnapps, Penny swiped angrily at the tears on her cheeks. She didn’t have anyone to blame except herself. She was the one who had always prioritised her appearance over anything else. She’d been the one to skate through high-school. She was the one who had abandoned everything she knew for her dream to become a movie star.

Which had been fine when she was in her twenties, but now she was lying about her age on her resume and hoping that no one noticed that she was a lot older than she claimed. How long did she really have until she was just a washed-up, failed actress whose only real talent was hidden under her wrinkles?

Oh god, she was becoming Ms. Paula. Her high school drama teacher who had spent half their class time telling and retelling the stories of the few acting jobs she had ever gotten. Ms. Paula’s acting career had been a joke, and Penny could still remember laughing with the other cheerleaders over the way Ms. Paula dressed as though she thought she was Marilyn Monroe or something. And now Penny was turning into her!

No! She refused to let that be her future. She was better than that, more talented than that, prettier than that, smarter than…

Except she wasn’t, was she? If she was more talented than Ms. Paula she would have gotten more than two measly little acting jobs in the eight years she had been in Pasadena. And who even cared if she was prettier than Ms. Paula? She was still going to end up covered in wrinkles eventually.

And who was she to claim that she was smarter than anyone? The boys could probably invent a robot smarter than she was if they tried hard enough.

Penny gulped down the last few mouthfuls of schnapps, before staring at the bottle and trying to remember how full it had been when she started. She could already feel her head going fuzzy, and her limbs felt heavy. Still, the bottle couldn’t have been full, right? Because that would be really bad. Alcohol poisoning, anyone?

Letting the empty bottle fall onto the couch beside her, Penny leant her head against the couch. Still, if she died now, would it really be that bad? It wasn’t as though she’d be dying in the prime of her life. Her prime was long past. Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long…

Frowning, Penny tried to remember what she had been thinking about. Something about dying and…

She bolted upright in horror. No! She was not ready to die, and especially not over a stupid emotional breakdown brought on by Leonard ‘I’m-a-geek’ Hofstater. She was better than this.

Glancing down at the bottle, Penny tried again to remember how full it had been when she had started. She knew it hadn’t been full. She’d bought the bottle for an NFL game she’d had some of her friends over for and she, and the other girls, had drunken at least half the bottle.

Penny slouched back against the couch in relief. She’d drunken less than half the bottle then. She was fine. At least, unless you considered the fact that she had an early shift at the Cheesecake Factory the next day. Damn it!

Standing up carefully, Penny stumbled her way into her bathroom and forced herself to vomit into the toilet. Oh, she hated this. Hated how much her drinking habits echoed her mom’s. Pulling herself up on her sink, Penny gulped down water from the faucet to try and ward off the dehydration that would cause a hangover.

Glancing up at the reflection in the mirror, she grimaced in disgust. She hated that she was still such a mess now that she was in her thirties.

She couldn’t go on like this. Something needed to change, and dumping Leonard wasn’t going to be enough. Starting tomorrow, Penny was going to sort out her priorities and start making some good decisions.

But first she needed to figure out how to get to her bed without falling on her face.

1-1-1

Knock, knock. “Penny.” Knock, knock. “Penny.” Knock, knock. “Penny.”

Penny groaned and swallowed roughly, feeling as though something furry had died in her mouth. She didn’t have a headache though, so that was a plus. Though, whether that would still be the case after she’d opened her eyes was something that she didn’t want to experience.

“Penny, are you awake?”

“Sheldon, if you’re standing over my bed again, I swear to god…”

“I am at your bedroom door.” Sheldon interrupted quickly, and Penny had to admit that his voice sounded as though it was coming from a few feet away. “You didn’t answer when I knocked on your front door.”

“And why do you think that was?” Penny asked sarcastically.

“Well,” Sheldon started. “If I was to hazard a guess…”

“It was a rhetorical question, Sheldon! What do you want?”

“I wish to ascertain your wellbeing.” Sheldon said, sounding cautious.

“You want to what now?” Penny forced herself to sit up slightly, and cautiously opened her eyes. It was still dark. “What time is it?”

“It is one thirty eight in the morning.” Sheldon answered. “And I wish to know whether or not you are well.”

“Of course I’m not.” Penny whispered harshly. “You just woke me up in the middle of the night!”

“Leonard forbade me from ever speaking to you again, so I had to wait until he had fallen asleep before I could come over.”

Rage flashed through Penny at the thought of Leonard thinking that he had any right to decide who could or couldn’t talk to her. “You know Leonard can’t actually tell you what to do, right?”

“Of course,” Sheldon acknowledged. “Nevertheless, considering the depth of Leonard’s anger I thought it was best to go along with his wishes this evening.”

“Leonard’s pretty mad, huh?” Penny could relate.

“He is.” Sheldon agreed. “And, judging by the yelling I heard earlier, so are you.”

“Yeah, I am,” Penny acknowledged, before realising that all she really felt was tired. “At least, I was. Leonard pretty much came out and said that the only reason he was dating me was because I’m hot.”

“How absurd.” Sheldon snorted derisively. “Physical attractiveness is so fleeting that it is hardly a reasonable thing to base a relationship on.”

Penny winced, she doubted Sheldon had any idea how much his words had stung. “Yeah.”

“So you are alright?”

“No,” Penny answered honestly. “But hopefully I will be one day. I think I need to make some hard choices.”

“Such as breaking up with Leonard?”

“Like giving up acting.” Penny retorted. “I guess you’ll be happy to hear me admit that you were right all those time you told that my dreams of becoming a famous movie star were hopeless.”

“While I certainly do enjoy being told that I am right, I wouldn’t describe my feelings as relating to elation.” Sheldon said. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

Penny sat up properly and reached to switch on her light so that she could see Sheldon’s expression. “Answer me honestly, do you think that I’ll ever get my big break?”

“I do not.” Sheldon answered, leaning backwards as though he expected her to yell at him. “The odds of anyone succeeding to get a ‘big break’ in acting are slim to none. Even if you were especially talented…”

“Even if?” Penny asked, hurt radiating through her. “You don’t think I’m any good at acting?”

Sheldon looked like a deer in headlights. “Um,”

“I’m not going to snap your head off Sheldon,” Penny told him tiredly. “I just thought, I don’t know. Everyone back home thought I was pretty good.”

“I have never seen you act in a professional sense, however, I believe that you are very good at acting in everyday situations. For example, I never would have known that you were uncomfortable around Leonard if you hadn’t told me.”

“You mean I’m good at lying.” Penny said flatly, hurt radiating through her.

“I suppose I do.” Sheldon acknowledged. “However, I do not believe it to be a bad thing. It seems to me to be a useful skill to have.”

“In what profession?” Penny asked desperately. “If I’m not going to be an actress then I need to find a new job, because I definitely don’t plan on being a waitress for my entire life.”

“Thank goodness for that. You’re terrible at it.”

Penny levelled a glare at him. “Really, Sheldon? You think now is a good time to insult me?”

“My apologies.” Sheldon looked shamefaced.

“Apology accepted. So, any ideas of new jobs I could get?” Penny asked hopefully.

Sheldon looked thoughtful. “No.”

“No? What do you mean, no?”

“I cannot think of any jobs that would be suited to your skills.” Sheldon clarified.

Hurt sliced through Penny and she could feel tears pricking her eyes. “Go away, Sheldon. I don’t need you waking me up in the middle of the night and calling me stupid.”

“Who said anything about you being stupid?” Sheldon sounded confused. “You are no less intelligent than Leonard, Wolowitz, or Koothrappali.”

Penny snorted. “Bazinga, right?”

“Penny, I would never bazinga you about something as important as intelligence.” Sheldon said seriously. “You aren’t stupid. You are simply uneducated.”

Penny blinked at him, hardly able to believe her ears. “So you think that I could become a physicist like Leonard if I wanted to?”

“Of course.” Sheldon said, with complete confidence. “However, you have never given any indication that physics is a field that you are interested in.”

“I’m not.” Penny said absently, still trying to process what she had just heard. “So you don’t think I’m unintelligent?”

“Of course I do.” Sheldon said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “But no more so than any of our other friends.”

Penny didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You just have two categories don’t you? Yourself and then everyone else. I suppose you think Zac is intelligent too.”

Sheldon let out a breathy laugh. “Good bazinga, Penny!”

“So there are three categories then,” Penny realised. “And I’m in the middle one? You really think I’m smart?”

“Well, not as smart as I am.” Sheldon cautioned.

“No one’s as smart as you, sweetie.” Penny said affectionately. Sheldon might have been completely delusional, but she didn’t know when anyone had ever said anything so nice to her. “So you think I should get educated, huh?”

“It is the logical next step.”

“Promise you won’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you?” Penny asked suddenly.

Sheldon looked uncomfortable. “You know I don’t do well with secrets, Penny.”

“I know,” Penny agreed. “But this isn’t a big one. It’s just something about me.”

“Very well.”

“I’m already taking a night class at the community college.” She confessed.

Sheldon grimaced. “Really, Penny, community college.”

Penny sighed, that hadn’t been the reaction she had been hoping for. Though, in hindsight, she had no idea why she’d expected anything else. “You might think I’m smart, sweetie, but no one else does. I have to start somewhere.”

“I suppose that’s true.” Sheldon acknowledged. “At least tell me you’re not taking a class on soft sciences.”

“Oh, no.” Penny grinned in anticipation. “I’m taking a history class.”

“Social sciences?!” Sheldon looked horrified. “Why not just go back to kindergarten.”

“Trust me, Sheldon, this class is hard enough. I have my first assignment due in a few weeks, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Apparently there are online databases or something, but I don’t even know where to find them.”

Sheldon looked uncomfortable. “I suppose that I could be convinced to offer my aid if you require it. Even if it is history.”

Penny grinned at the disgust in his voice. “That’s really kind of you. I might just take you up on that.” And she might even consider majoring in history, if only to keep getting that reaction from Sheldon. “Wait, I thought you weren’t allowed to talk to me anymore.”

“As you said previously, Leonard cannot tell me what to do.” Sheldon said stiffly. “You are my friend, and you need help.”

“Boy, do I.” Penny agreed. “But only if you’re sure. I wouldn’t want you to damage your and Leonard’s and friendship for me.”

“I find myself discomforted by Leonard’s reaction to the termination of your relationship.” Sheldon confessed. “Besides, I have heard Howard’s policy regarding brothers going before garden implements, and it seems like absolute gobbledegook.”

“Brothers before garden implements? You mean bros before hoes?”

“That’s what I said.” Sheldon agreed, a glimmer of humour in his expression.

“Bazinga, right?” Penny checked.

Sheldon’s smile was the sweetest thing she’d seen in days. “Bazinga!”

1-1-1

When Penny woke up again it was the sound of a blaring alarm. She sat up carefully and was relieved to see that she hadn’t developed a headache since Sheldon’s visit in the middle of the night. Clearly her usual hangover prevention remedy was still as successful as ever.

Turning off her alarm, Penny pulled herself out of bed and into the shower as she considered the decisions she had made the night before. It was surprising to realise that she hadn’t changed her mind about giving up acting. If anything, a good night’s sleep and her conversation with Sheldon had made her even more certain that it was the right decision. She couldn’t abandon her acting classes immediately since they were in the middle of rehearsing for a play in three weeks, but as soon as that was over she would pull out and put her energies into something that was more than a pipe-dream. Now she just had to figure out what that would be.

Once she was dried and dressed, Penny entered her living area and put the coffee maker on. Then she threw out the empty schnapps bottle that was still lying on her couch. Glancing around the room, Penny winced as she took in the mess. It wasn’t as bad as it had been when she’d first moved in and Sheldon had broken in to clean her apartment, but it definitely didn’t look as though any kind of sensible adult lived there.

So, that put three things on her to do list. First, quit acting; second, figure out what she was going to do with her life; and third, keep her apartment tidy; and she supposed she should probably add a fourth and start working on her history assignment. Opening her fridge to find something to eat for breakfast, Penny added a fifth point to her list. She really needed to start buying groceries regularly and eating proper food. And, given how quickly her list was growing, she really needed to start writing these things down in her phone so that she could remember them.

Penny searched the sides of her couch cushions looking for her phone, and then winced when she eventually found it with a dead battery. Damn it! She doubted she had time to charge it before work, which meant that she would have to charge it at the Cheesecake Factory. Which was just great.

Pouring coffee from the machine and into a carry cup, Penny grabbed the bag that she hadn’t unpacked the night before and left her apartment. She’d have to pick up some kind of breakfast food on her way to work.

Pulling her door shut behind her, Penny turned towards the stairs and barely managed to avoid knocking into the tall man stepping down off the stairs.

“Woah!” The man raised his hands defensively, looking startled. “You alright?”

“Sorry!” Penny raised her eyebrows in surprise as she realised how hot he was. “I didn’t get you with my coffee, did I?”

“You did not.” The man said, with a charming smile that made her stomach twist. “Penny, right?”

“Oh god,” Penny groaned, as they began to make their way down the stairs together. “Don’t tell me that you’re Hardison? Now I’ve embarrassed myself in front of all three of you. I promise I’m not normally this much of a mess.”

“No coffee split, no harm done.” Hardison grinned. “And, to be honest, I don’t really mind having coffee spilled on me. Eliot though. Man, you should see him when coffee gets spilled. A few years ago this girl was running away from some guys and she banged right into him. Eliot’s coffee went everywhere. Man, did he kick their asses.”

Penny wasn’t sure how to react. “He beat them up for spilling his coffee?”

“What?” Hardison looked surprised, as though he’d never considered she might take it that way. “No, no way! He beat them up because they were threatening this girl. We ended up taking her on as a client. He just got all growly because they split his coffee.”

Penny grinned, that was the second time she’d heard Eliot described as growly. It sounded kinda hot. She wondered how growly he got in bed. “Parker said that you guys work together helping people?”

“We sure do.” Hardison agreed enthusiastically. “See there’s a lot of people who don’t have the resources to get justice. Like when a big corporation screws over average people and they just don’t have money to take it court. We help them get a settlement.”

“So you’re lawyers?” Penny checked. She could imagine Hardison as a lawyer, but Parker and Eliot just didn’t look the type.

“No, we take over where the lawyers leave off.” Hardison clarified, though Penny honestly had no idea what he meant.

“What exactly do you do?” Penny asked curiously, before wincing when she saw Hardison’s expression twitch. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be nosy. I’m just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I thought it would be good to learn what’s out there. Most of the people I know are scientists, and I know that I don’t want to do that.”

“No worries,” Hardison said easily and, if Penny hadn’t seen his twitch, she wouldn’t have had any idea that her question had made him uncomfortable. “I’m the computer specialist. I research all the background information that we need, and then provide tech support during the job.”

“Cool!” Penny said, with fake enthusiasm. Yet another job that she had no interest in. “What do Parker and Eliot do?”

Hardison’s expression twitched again. “Eliot’s our security specialist, and Parker is sort of our boss.”

“So you work for your girlfriend?” Penny asked in surprise. She couldn’t imagine Howard agreeing to work for Bernadette, and there wasn’t a chance in hell Sheldon would consider working for Amy. “How does that work?”

“We’re still figuring it out.” Hardison admitted. “We used to have two other people in the group – Sophie and Nate – but Parker was promoted when they left last month. She’s amazing though, I love watching her work.”

Penny felt a stab of envy at Hardison’s adoring tone. She wanted to find a guy who spoke that highly of what she did, and not just what she looked like. “So you’re hiring?”

“Huh?” Hardison looked like a deer in headlights. “No, no, we’re just sticking to an intimate team of three for now. We’ll outsource if we need to. Sorry.”

Penny grinned brightly, even as she swallowed down her disappointment. “Oh, I wasn’t asking for me. I doubt I have any of the skills you guys would be looking for. I’m just a waitress.”

“There’s no such thing as just a waitress.” Hardison encouraged. “It’s skilled labour. I would know. I did some waitering once. It was a disaster – I broke like a dozen glasses.”

“That’s nothing.” Penny laughed. “Last week, I accidentally spilled a plate of cheesecake on a customer’s lap.”

“Was it accidental because you were really aiming for their face?” Hardison teased.

“Oh, if I’d been aiming for his face, I would have hit it.” Penny assured him.

Hardison laughed loudly as they reached the lobby. “Are you ever tempted?”

“At least once a day.” Penny admitted, pulling the door open. “After you.”

“Thank you.” Hardison said, walking past her. “So where are you a waitress?”

“The Cheesecake Factory,” Penny said, following him outside. “You couldn’t tell from the uniform?”

“I’m not really a cheesecake kind of guy.” Hardison admitted. “Do they even have a Cheesecake Factory in Portland?”

“Probably, it’s a pretty big chain. You’ve never been to one?”

“We don’t eat out much. Between Eliot’s cooking and the fact that I owned a gastro-brewery in Portland, there’s never really been a need.”

“You owned a gastro-brewery?”

“I sure did.” Hardison grinned. “You should have seen Eliot’s face when I told him I’d bought it. I wish I’d taken a photo. Eliot’s kind of a food snob.”

“You definitely shouldn’t bring him to the Cheesecake Factory then.” Penny warned, stopping beside her car. “This is me.”

Hardison stopped beside her. “Bad food?”

“Eh, it’s alright,” Penny shrugged. “Maybe it’s just that I see it everyday.”

“Parker and I will have to come check it out.” Hardison decided. “We’ll leave Eliot behind.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Penny agreed with a wide smile, before worrying that it was too flirty. She dimmed her smile slightly. “Have a good day.”

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Penny. I’ll see you around.” Hardison said, before striding away with a cheerful wave.

Penny was still smiling as she unlocked her car and began her drive to the Cheesecake Factory. Who knew that the new neighbours would be so much fun to talk to. Now she just needed to meet Eliot in the stairway and she would be three for three.

1-1-1

Penny turned on her newly charged phone and then winced as it immediately starting dinging notifications at her. Clearly the news of her and Leonard’s breakup had made it to Amy and Bernadette. She shoved her phone into her pocket, and heaved her bag filled with study stuff onto her shoulder. She might as well have not even brought it in. It wasn’t as though her manager had let her take a break long enough to do anything except scoff down some food and pee. She hated it when they were short staffed.

Climbing into her car, Penny brought her phone back out of her pocket and grimaced at the six voice mails and fifteen text messages she had gotten since last night. They weren’t going to go away on their own, so she connected to her voicemail and then set the voice mails to play on loudspeaker while she drove.

“Hey, Penny, this is Bernadette. Raj just told me that you broke up with Leonard. Are you alright? Ring me back and we can talk.”

“Hey, girlfriend,” Amy’s voice came through the speaker next. “Bernadette just told me that you broke up with Leonard. I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me! And don’t even get me started about how Sheldon didn’t tell me! Shall I come over? We can eat ice-cream and bond over our mutual hatred of your ex-boyfriend. I’ll be eagerly awaiting your call.”

“Penny,” Leonard’s slurred voice made Penny flinch. She hadn’t been expecting a message from him. “I love you. How could you do this to me? You can’t just break up with me! We’re supposed to get married! No, Raj, go away! Give me my phone back!”

“Penny, this is Amy again. Are you alright? I’ve been considering what reasons you might have for not calling me back yet and it occurred to me that perhaps you are worried that, since I am Sheldon’s girlfriend, I be on Leonard’s side. Don’t worry. Like I could ever choose that hairy footed dwarf over your beautiful, golden hair and your scrumptious body. Call me back!”

Penny shuddered. Sometimes Amy’s comments seemed just as close to sexual harassment as Howard’s ever had.

“Hey, Penny, Bernadette here again. I’m worried that I haven’t heard from you. Are you okay? Do you want a girls’ night tonight? We can drink wine and eat ice cream? Talk to you soon.”

“Penny, hi,” Parker’s perky tone was a nice surprise. “Hardison said I should call you just to say ‘hi’, but I think it’s kind of weird. Is this weird? I should have asked Eliot. Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better. Let me know if you ever want ice-cream. Or chocolate. I love chocolate! Bye!”

Penny grinned as her messages finished. Parker was just so fresh and honest. She was like Sheldon, completely honest about what she was saying, but not so arrogant that you just wanted to throw something at her. She regretted having blown Parker off regarding getting together that evening. Maybe if she’d had plans with Parker, she wouldn’t feel so obligated to give into Amy and Bernadette’s worry and have them over.

Though, maybe it wasn’t too late? She could always invite Parker to join the three of them in eating ice-cream and drinking wine. At least then she’d have some kind of buffer against their probing questions and Amy’s creepy harassment.

Yes, that’s what she’d do. They’d have a girls’ night the four of them, but first she was going to go to the grocery store and buy cereal and milk and then go home and tidy her apartment. At least then she’d have managed to start on two of the things on her list. The other things could wait until tomorrow.

1-1-1

The cereal and milk took most of the money that Penny had earned in tips that day and she could feel worry over her finances gnawing away at her insides. Her rent was due at the end of the week but, unless her earnings in tips significantly increased over the next three days, she wouldn’t be able to pay it. Not that her being late on rent was unusual. She was half surprised she hadn’t been kicked out yet.

The biggest problem was that she was spending a large chunk of her earnings on her acting classes and her agent. Well, she might need to keep up with the acting classes for the next three weeks until the production was over, but she could get rid of the cost of her agent today. All it would take was a phone call.

Except, as she sat in her car outside of her apartment building, Penny wasn’t sure she could do it. It was one thing to decide to give up on her dream of acting, but it was another thing to actually do it. What would she tell mom and dad? What if she never found anything else to do with her life?

Penny gritted her teeth and pushed the call button. So what if she never found anything else to do with her life? At least she’d have more time and money to enjoy life. After all, it wasn’t as though trying to become an actress was actually benefiting her.

“This is Trish.” Her agent answered after a few rings.

“Trish, this is Penny.”

“Oh, Penny,” Trish sounded apologetic. “Sorry, darling, I haven’t got any news for you.”

Penny smiled sadly. “I know. I’m just ringing to let you know that I’m not going to need your services anymore. I’m quitting.”

“Oh, don’t do that, darling. I’m sure your big break is just around the corner.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “I don’t think so, Trish, and I need to move on with my life.”

“If you’re sure?” Trish sounded disappointed.

“I’m sure.” Penny said firmly. “Thanks for everything.”

Hanging up, Penny got out of the car and began the long trek into the building and up the stairs. She was already on the second floor by the time she remembered that she had fifteen unread text messages. Walking slowly as she read, she skimmed through them.

Mostly they just repeated everything that had been said in the voicemail. Amy was upset Penny hadn’t told her and eager to use the opportunity to bond; Bernadette was worried and wanted to see if she could help; and Leonard was angry and had apparently managed to get his phone back off Raj.

Penny sighed and quickly sent a text to both Amy and Bernadette inviting them around for wine and ice-cream (and telling them to bring the wine and ice-cream). Then she rang Parker.

“Hi, Penny,” Parker sounded a bit puffed. “Eliot, its Penny.”

A male voice murmured gruffly in the background, and Penny grinned as she wondered if Eliot was being ‘growly’.

“Hey, Parker, how’re you doing?”

“Great! Eliot’s just been teaching me how to break someone’s neck with my thighs.”

Penny blinked. “Oh, cool. I only ever learnt how to hold a calf steady with my thighs. Well, that and how to blow a guy’s mind.”

“Like literally?” Parker sounded excited. “Eliot, Penny says she knows how to blow a guy’s mind with her thighs. Can you teach me how to do that?”

Penny’s face burned with embarrassment. “Not literally, Parker. I mean, in bed. With sex.”

“Oh, oh!”

Penny laughed. “I was making a joke. Anyway, are you still free tonight?”

“Am I free tonight?” Parker parroted. “Um, yes? Yes! Yes, I am. Why?”

“Well, some friends of mine are coming over to console me on my breakup and I wondered if you wanted to come along.” Penny offered. “They’re bringing wine and ice cream so, if you brought chocolate, we’d have everything we needed.”

“She wants me to go hang out with her and her friends.” Parker whispered on the other end of the line. “What do I say?”

“You say ‘yes’, Parker.” Eliot’s muffled voice came through the phone.

Penny grinned and resisted the urge to fan herself. The things that voice did to her. Wow, did she love a southern drawl. She wondered if the feeling was mutual. Maybe she should consider letting her one come back. After all, if she wasn’t going to be an actress then she hardly needed her sanitised accent anymore.

“Yes!” Parker said suddenly, and a little too loudly. “Yes, I’ll come.”

“Great!” Penny said, after she’d brought the phone back to her ear. “So, I’ll see you around seven thirty?”

“See you then.” Parker agreed, her voice higher than usual. “Eliot, help, I don’t know…”

1-1-1

By the time the first knock sounded at her door, Penny was feeling pretty good about how tidy her living room was looking. She hadn’t had much time, but she’d managed to put everything away and even vacuum the carpet. It wasn’t as tidy as Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment yet, but then what apartment was?

Opening the door, Penny stepped back in surprise as a bottle of wine was suddenly shoved in her face.

“I bought wine!” Amy announced unnecessarily, brushing past Penny on her way in. “Sauvignon Blanc, right? Bernadette’s bringing ice-cream.”

“Cool,” Penny said weakly, taking the bottle of wine from Amy and wincing when she felt how warm it was. “Where did you get it?”

“At the liquor store.” Amy confessed, as though it was a secret. “I love going in there. It makes me feel like a rebel.”

“Huh,” Penny put the wine in the fridge to cool. “Liquor stores mostly just make me feel broke.”

Amy’s laugh was a little too loud. “Oh, bestie, you crack me up!”

Penny’s stomach growled quietly, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten anything since lunch time. Which was a problem because the only edible thing she had her cupboards was the cereal and milk she had just brought, and she didn’t want Amy to see her eating cereal for dinner.

“Speaking of besties,” Amy continued. “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Leonard.”

“I told you I was thinking of breaking up with him.” Penny reminded her, leaning her weight against the counter. “I know I did, because then you told Sheldon and he invaded my bedroom to talk me out of it.”

“He promised not to say anything!”

“He’s Sheldon Cooper.” Penny retorted. “Of course he was going to say something. You know he can’t keep a secret.”

“That’s true.” Amy said fondly. “Though I still haven’t managed to convince him to tell me what he’s getting me for my birthday.”

“Why are you even trying?” Penny asked, as her stomach grumbled again. Damn, it was getting louder. Who even cared what Amy thought?

“I want to make sure it’s something good.”

Penny grabbed a bowl and cereal out of the cupboard. “Isn’t it the thought that counts or something?”

“You’re having cereal for dinner?” Amy asked, incredulously. “What are we, twelve?”

“No, when I was twelve I had money.” Penny muttered under her breath, as she went to fetch the milk. “I haven’t had time to make dinner and I need to eat something. Otherwise the wine will go straight to my head.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Amy asked. “Drunk Penny is fun!”

“I really don’t want to get drunk two nights in a row.”

“You got drunk last night?” Amy sounded hurt. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have come over and helped.”

“I don’t need help getting drunk.” Penny retorted, with a bit more bite than she’d intended. “And I just wanted to be alone.”

“You still should have called me.” Amy argued. “I could have held your hair while you vomited. Anything to get my hands on those golden tresses.”

Penny grimaced around a mouthful of cereal. “Really, Amy? Anyway, you didn’t miss much. I got drunk and then had an early night.”

“Cried yourself to sleep, I bet.” Amy shook her head sadly. “You poor thing. Heartbroken when you’re in your physical prime.”

“I was the one to break up with Leonard, thank you very much.” Penny pointed out. “If anyone cried themselves to sleep it was probably him.”

“Sheldon did say that Leonard took the day off work.” Amy commented. “He was concerned that, left unsupervised, Leonard would go out and buy himself a cat.”

“We’re not allowed pets in the building.” Penny pointed out flatly.

“Neither am I, but that doesn’t stop me from occasionally bringing the monkeys from my study home. They’re pretty good company, except when they start rubbing their faeces over the walls.”

Penny wasn’t even going to touch that. “Yeah, but you don’t live with Sheldon Cooper who is allergic to both cats and rule breaking. I bet you that if Leonard gets a cat it will take less than twenty four hours for the building manager to get an anonymous tip.”

“Sheldon does have an aversion to breaking the rules.” Amy agreed. “I have often wondered what I would find if I cut his brain open.”

Penny shook her head in amusement and she quickly swallowed her last mouthful of cereal. “You know, I just figured out something else you and Sheldon have in common.”

“Our defined cheekbones?” Amy asked, stroking hers suggestively.

“Noo,” Penny rolled her eyes. “You both say things that make me glad that you’re both on the side of good. Can you imagine if either of you turned evil? Sheldon would probably blow up the entire world, and you’d go around cutting random people open just to see their brains.”

“Don’t worry, Penny, I’d never cut into your brain.” Amy promised, as a knock sounded at the door.

“Yoohoo, just me.” Bernadette announced, as she opened the door herself. “And I come bearing ice-cream.”

“Excellent.” Penny retrieved the ice-cream from Bernadette and set it on the couch. “Shall we have it now? Or wait until the wine has cooled down.”

“You want ice-cream now?” Amy asked. “So soon after your cereal?”

“Ha ha,” Penny pulled a face. “Very funny.”

“You had cereal?” Bernadette dropped her bag beside the couch. “But it’s almost seven thirty.”

“I didn’t have time to make dinner, alright?” Penny retorted defensively. “It’s not that weird.”

“It really is.” Bernadette argued, before putting her hands up defensively when Penny glared at her. “Or not. Eating cereal for dinner is completely reasonable, right, Amy?”

“Cereal is breakfast food.” Amy pointed out.

“So are eggs,” Penny pointed out. “That doesn’t mean that you can’t have them for dinner.”

Amy and Bernadette shared an amused glance and Penny bristled at the sight. She couldn’t help but be reminded of Amy’s comment on Tuesday about ‘how cute it was when she tried’. Did they always have to make it so obvious that they were so much smarter than her? It wasn’t as though they had to go out of their way to prove it. There wasn’t anyone who disagreed with them.

Except Sheldon, Penny remembered with a small smile. Sheldon thought she was just as smart as they were. His only complaint was that she was uneducated. And, yeah, she knew that it was just one more example that Sheldon was off his rocker, but it made her feel better.

There was another knock and the door, and Bernadette and Amy both turned to the door in surprise.

“Who's that?” Bernadette asked. “Are you expecting anyone else, Penny?”

“Maybe it’s Leonard.” Amy suggested, before Penny could get a word in. “Maybe he’s come to beg Penny to take him back.”

“It had better not be Leonard.” Penny muttered. “It’s probably Parker. I invited her to join us.”

“Whose Parker?” Amy asked, a hint of jealousy in her tone.

“One of our new neighbours.” Penny answered quickly, before pulling the door open to the sight of a barely visible Parker beneath all the chocolate she was carrying. “Hey, Parker. That’s a lot of chocolate.”

“Yeah,” Parker’s voice was muffled behind the box of chocolate that was in front of her face. “I wasn’t sure what kind you liked, or how many people would be here, so I brought them all. Eliot said that it was too much, but I told him that there was no such thing as too much chocolate.”

Penny smiled, amusement rising within her. “That’s great, thanks. Come in and meet Amy and Bernadette. Can I take some of that chocolate?”

“I’m alright.” Parker said, stepping into the apartment with way more confidence than Penny would have if she was carrying that much stuff. “Where should I put it?”

“Uh, on the coffee table is fine.” Penny answered, watching the balanced boxes of chocolate worriedly. “Are you sure I can’t help.”

“I’ve got it.” Parker said, and she wasn’t wrong. The boxes didn’t even wobble as she walked across the room and put them all on the table.

“How did you make down the stairs with that many boxes?” Penny asked. “Did one of the guys help you?”

“No, I have good balance.” Parker answered, turning to smile broadly at Bernadette and Amy. “You must be Penny’s friends.”

“Yes,” Amy said, standing up and puffing out her chest. “I’m Amy. Penny’s best friend.”

“Cool,” Parker didn’t look remotely intimidated. “I’m Parker, Penny’s new neighbour. Me, Hardison, and Eliot just moved upstairs.”

“All together?” Bernadette asked.

“That’s what I suggested, but Eliot refused.” Parker shrugged. “So he’s living across the hall. He and Hardison say ‘hi’ by the way, Penny. Well, Hardison does. Eliot mostly just grunted at me.”

Penny’s smile was stretching her face as she waved Parker towards the armchair and then pulled one of her dining chairs over to sit on. “Well, tell them that I said ‘hi’ back. Shall we start on this chocolate?”

“Sure,” Bernadette agreed, eyeing the chocolate in anticipation. “I’m Bernadette by the way. I’m married to Howard.”

“Howard’s friends with Leonard and Sheldon.” Penny explained. “And Amy is Sheldon’s girlfriend.”

“Leonard is Penny’s ex-boyfriend.” Amy put in superiorly.

“Right,” Parker nodded. “Got it. And Sheldon’s the guy who made you scream the other night?”

“Right.” Penny agreed, plucking the first box of chocolate off the pile and opening it.

“Sheldon made you scream?” Bernadette asked curiously.

“Someone told him that I was thinking of breaking up with Leonard,” Penny glanced pointedly towards Amy. “So he broke into my bedroom in the middle of the night and then stood over me while he did his knocking thing against my wall.”

Bernadette giggled. “Of course he did.”

“Why does Parker know about this?” Amy asked stiffly.

“Hardison and I were still awake when we heard her scream, so we ran down to see what was happening.” Parker answered simply. “Eliot got there first though, so I still don’t know what Sheldon looks like.”

“Like a giant praying mantis.” Penny described fondly. “He’s pretty unforgettable.”

“Enough about Sheldon,” Bernadette scolded. “We’re supposed to be trash-talking Leonard.”

“That short, bespectacled dork!” Amy exclaimed.

“No trash-talking.” Penny told them sternly. “He’s still our friend. Or, at least, he’s still your friend. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean that everything has to change. Besides, I broke up with him, remember? He’s the one with the broken heart. Maybe you should all help him trash-talk me.”

Bernadette winced. “From what I hear, he’s doing a pretty good job of that all on his own.”

“Why do you hear things?” Amy asked. “Sheldon hardly tells me anything!”

“Probably because Leonard’s mad at Sheldon too.” Bernadette explained. “He says Sheldon should have told him that Penny was thinking of breaking up with him. Raj hasn’t dared admit that he knew too.”

“Raj knew?” Penny asked. “Who told Raj?”

“Raj is another friend of ours.” Amy explained superiorly to Parker.

“I did.” Bernadette admitted. “But only because Howard is in space and I needed someone to talk to. We’re both really missing him.”

“Just talking, right?” Penny checked with a grin. “There’s been no more poem writing happening? Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.”

“No!” Bernadette shuddered. “No way. I’m married to Howard! We’re just talking.”

“You know,” Penny glanced towards Parker who was watching their conversation with a fascinated expression. “You and Parker have something in common.”

“Oh?” Bernadette asked in interest.

“You both have two men in your lives, but are only sleeping with one.”

“Really?” Parker leaned forward. “You have an Eliot too?”

“Her Eliot is called Raj.” Penny explained. “He and Howard are best friends, so it’s kind of like she married both of them. Were Hardison and Eliot best friends when you met them?”

“We all met at the same time.” Parker explained. “They didn’t really get along at first. Now they just pretend not to get along.”

“Ah,” Amy nodded sagely. “Like Sheldon and Howard.”

Penny wasn’t so sure that Sheldon and Howard's animosity was as make-believe as Amy thought. “Right,” She said with a small laugh. “So, Parker, tell us about yourself.”

Parker’s eyes widened, and she looked like a deer in headlights. “Uh, I, um, I shouldn’t be around forks!”

Penny blinked. “Huh?”

“Nothing,” Parker said quickly, with a bright smile. “Um, we just moved from Portland?”

“Oh, nice,” Bernadette said. “So why Pasadena?”

“It’s sunny?” Parker offered, looking painfully uncomfortable

Penny stepped in. “Apparently Eliot’s a bit of a fusspot regarding the amount of sunlight local vegetables get. And, since the three of them run their own business, they decided to move here.”

“You have your own business?” Amy looked interested. “What do you do?”

“We help people who don’t have any other options.” Parker answered, with a smoothness that Penny didn’t even know she possessed. It was almost as though Parker had been replaced with a relaxed pod person. Or, more likely, that she was pretending to relaxed and had pretty kick-ass acting skills.

“Our friend Nate started the company,” Parker continued. “But he and Sophie just got married and left to travel the world, so now it’s just me, Hardison and Eliot.”

“Hardison said that you run the company now?” Penny asked, standing up and making her way to the kitchen. “Ice-cream, anyone?”

“Yes, please.” Bernadette answered quickly, before Amy and Parker echoed her.

“And, yeah, I do.” Parker blushed and looked down. “Nate left me in charge, but I’m still getting used to it. What do you do Amy? Bernadette?”

“I’m a neurobiologist.” Amy answered proudly.

“And I’m a microbiologist.” Bernadette added. “Amy works for a university, but I work for Zangen Pharmaceuticals.”

“Oh, really?” Parker said, her tone slightly off. “What do you do there?”

“I’m a researcher.” Bernadette explained. “Currently I’m working to create a more effective cure for Angina.”

“Wow,” Parker’s tone was still off. “That sounds fascinating.”

Penny quickly finished scooping the ice-cream, she really wanted to be able to see her new friend’s expression.

“Yes,” Amy agreed. “I am a researcher as well. I am currently part of team studying the results of addiction withdrawal on primates.”

“She means monkeys.” Penny translated for Parker, as she passed around the ice-cream. “And, as you know, my job is much less interesting than any of yours. It also pays less.”

“But that’s alright,” Amy said. “Someone with Penny’s looks doesn’t need smarts, money or a boyfriend to make their way in the world.”

“Right.” Bernadette agreed, a little to cheerfully to be believed.

Penny wanted to throw her ice-cream at both of them.

1-1-1

The next day was Friday, which meant a late shift at the Cheesecake Factory, so Penny got up late, ate a proper breakfast, finished tidying her apartment, and then sent a text to Parker making sure that she’d enjoyed the previous evening. Amy had come on pretty strong and, by the end of it, Penny had regretted putting her new neighbour in that position.

Once the text was sent, Penny glanced towards the bag that still contained her study stuff before deciding that it was too late to start looking at her assignment. After all, she was due at work in less than a hour and she still hadn’t washed her hair.

When she still hadn’t looked at the assignment by the time she finished work on Saturday, Penny decided that it was time to get tough with herself. She parked her car outside of the building, and made her way inside determined to check her mail and then go straight upstairs to study. No more procrastination for her!

Opening her mailbox, Penny pulled out the letter from the power company with a grimace. Damn! Was it that time of the month already? She couldn’t even figure out how to pay her rent? How the hell was she supposed to pay for her power too?

“…can’t get a cat?” Leonard’s whiny tones followed the sound of the door opening. “You got a whole bunch of cats when you had your mental breakdown five years ago.”

Penny winced and considered her options. Should she freeze and hope that Leonard didn’t see her, or turn around and pretend that everything was alright? Did she act like she was scared to confront him, or did she show Leonard that she was fine without him in her life?

Squaring her shoulders, Penny shut her mailbox and turned around. “Sheldon,” She acknowledged. “Leonard.”

“Penny.” Sheldon nodded in greeting, while Leonard just crossed his arms and glared. “I presume you are heading up the stairs?”

“I am.” Penny tucked the power bill into her bag with forced casualness. It was hard to be casual when Leonard was glaring at her as though she hoped she would fall over and die. Though, admittedly, that was preferable to the kicked puppy expressions he’d given her last time she’d broken up with him. “What were you two arguing about?”

“That’s none of your business.” Leonard snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’m just making polite conversation.” Penny defended herself, with her most reasonable smile. “After all, we are neighbours.”

“Tell me, Penny.” Sheldon said suddenly. “As our neighbour, how would you feel if our apartment were to become the home of a cat?”

“Don’t ask her that!” Leonard snapped.

Penny began to slowly make her way up the stairs and amused to see Sheldon fall into step beside her. “I didn’t think we were allowed to have pets in the building.”

“That didn’t stop Sheldon when he had his mental breakdown.” Leonard muttered darkly from behind them.

“I did not have a mental breakdown.” Sheldon retorted. “I merely spent some time considering the various trajectories my life could take. Besides, I only had the cats for a week. You’re planning on getting a cat to act as a constant companion now that Penny has broken up with you.”

Penny winced, Leonard was not going to take that well.

“Shut up, Sheldon!” Leonard growled, violently pushing his way past them on the stairs.

Penny grabbed onto the rail to stop herself from falling. “Hey, what’s your problem?”

“What’s my problem?” Leonard spun around and glared down them. “My problem is that my girlfriend, who I loved, broke up with me! And now my roommate is pretending like nothing happened.”

Penny sighed. “Come on, Leonard, why can’t we just keep everything friendly between us like last time we broke up?”

“Because we can’t!” Leonard declared. “You can’t break my heart twice and expect me to keep inviting you over for dinner. Come on, Sheldon.”

Sheldon stood glancing between Leonard’s retreating back and Penny worriedly. “I don’t…”

“Sheldon!” Leonard shouted down impatiently.

“Go on,” Penny told him. “I might just have to lay low for a while until he’s calmed down.”

Sheldon didn’t look convinced. “Leonard doesn’t get to decide who I’m friends with.”

“We’re still friends.” Penny reassured him. “We’ll just have to be secret friends for a while.”

“Very well.” Sheldon offered her one of his rare smiles, before quickly making his way up the stairs.

Penny watched him go for a few seconds, before slowly trudging up behind him. Damn, she’d really been hoping that Leonard would be more of a grownup about the whole thing.

The last thing Penny wanted to do once she got into her apartment was study, but she’d made a commitment to herself and she was going to stick to it. So she put the coffee machine on, changed out of her uniform, poured herself a coffee, and then sat down on her couch and forced herself to finally look at the assignment sheet.

Oh, boy, did she wished she hadn’t. There was no way she could do this! She’d never written anything as long as 2000 words in her life! Not to mention that she didn’t even know where to start with the topic. Apparently she had to ‘consider the social and economical ramifications of the 13th Amendment that outlawed slavery in 1865’.

Whatever the heck that meant. All she knew was that slavery was wrong, and that getting rid of it had been the right thing to do. But somehow she doubted that was going to get her a passing grade.

She groaned and dropped her head into hands. Leonard was right. She was stupid. There wasn’t a chance in hell that she was going to manage to write this assignment on her own. She was going to fail, and then she’d have to drop out of community college again. How would she ever show her face around her genius friends then?

Except, no! Penny had never shied away from facing humiliation head on. When Valerie Mossbacher had been made head-cheerleader instead of Penny, Penny had turned up to the celebration and smiled along with everyone else. And when Trevor had gone around telling all the boys at school that he’d scored with her, she’d turned up to school the next day with her head held high and her skirt an inch shorter.

She wasn’t a quitter, and she didn’t give in to humiliation. She would pass this assignment if it was the last thing she did, and that meant that she needed Sheldon’s help. Which, admittedly, wasn’t as simple as it might have been before she’d broken up with Leonard, but she had a secret weapon in her belt. There was one time every week where she guaranteed to find Sheldon without Leonard, and that just happened to be on Saturday nights.

She had never been so grateful for Laundry Night in her life

6-6-6

Sheldon was well into his sorting by the time Penny carried her basket of dirty clothes into the laundry room. Smiling in greeting, Penny popped her basket down on the workspace beside him.

“Hey, Sheldon.”

“Penny,” Sheldon acknowledged, as he dropped one of his bright superhero t-shirts into a pile. “I haven’t seen you down here for a while.”

“I figured it was a Leonard free zone.” Penny admitted. “Do you mind if I use one of the machines, or do you need them all?”

“Just one?” Sheldon glanced towards her basket and then blushed as he quickly looked away.

“Oops,” Penny hurriedly pushed the red g-string under some of her other clothes. “Sorry.”

Sheldon cleared his throat and pointedly kept his gaze fixed on the clothes he was sorting. “I suppose I can spare one machine, however, judging by the variety of materials and colours that make up your clothes I really must recommend separating your clothes out.”

“And use more quarters?” Penny asked, picking up her basket and preparing to dump it all in the furthest machine. “They’re fine all in together.”

Sheldon shuffled in place. “Perhaps you could add some of your clothes to my laundry?” He offered, before suddenly shooting her a sharp glance. “Not your delicate items.”

“Really?” Penny’s heart felt full. “You’d let me mix my laundry with yours?”

“I would.” Sheldon answered solemnly. “Perhaps you will learn something.”

“You’re the best, Sheldon! And if I didn’t know how much you’d hate it, I’d hug you right now.”

“I appreciate your restraint.” Sheldon told her, beginning to sort again. “Now, separate your more delicate items and then I will help you sort the rest of your clothes.”

“Can do.” Penny agreed, placing her basket on the top of the machine and beginning to search through it for her underwear.

“You know, I believe that it is recommended for women to wash their delicates by hand.” Sheldon said after a few seconds.

“So I’ve heard.” Penny grimaced. “But really, who can find the time?”

“Asian women have been known to wash their underwear whilst they bathe.”

Penny barely managed to hold in her snort of amusement. She couldn’t believe she and Sheldon were having a conversation about underwear. “I don’t have a bath.”

“Neither do I.” Sheldon acknowledged. “However, that doesn’t prevent me from bathing twice a day.”

“It’s a good thought.” Penny admitted, silently counting the underwear she had found. There were only eight. She was pretty sure there should be more. When had she last done her laundry? “Do you really shower twice a day? I get that you shower in the morning, but when else?”

“Before I go to bed. Who knows what untold numbers of bacteria settle on my skin at the university.” Sheldon shuddered.

“But you wear long sleeves and trousers.” Penny pointed out, grinning victoriously as she unearthed a black lacy pair of knickers. That was all of them, she was sure of it. “So really they could just land on your face and hands. Wouldn’t it be easier to wash those?”

“I hadn’t considered that.” Sheldon exclaimed, pausing in surprise. “I wonder if that would suffice.”

Penny carried her basket back to the bench beside Sheldon. “Alright, so how do I sort these?”

“Bright colours,” Sheldon said, pointing to the pile. “Dark colours, and whites. Do you have any clothes made out of synthetic or knit fabrics?

Penny glanced down at her clothes. “Yeah, most of them.”

“I see,” Sheldon hummed thoughtfully. “Well, I suppose that the synthetics can go in with the cottons, but the knit fabrics will have to be on their own pile.”

“What about things that are both light and dark?” Penny asked, holding up a floral top as an example.

Sheldon considered the top with a frown. “You’re right. That is quite the conundrum. Why must your clothes be so complicated?”

“They’re not all that complicated when I throw them all into one machine.”

Sheldon rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. “Oh, Penny, how you vex me.”

“Aw, sweetie,” Penny grinned at him. “You say the nicest things.”

Sheldon let out a small huff and turned his attention back to his own dwindling pile of clothes that needed to sorted. “Put the complicated clothes aside for us to deal with later.”

“Can do.” Penny agreed, dropping one of her work blouses into the white pile. “So, anyway, while I have you here…”

“Ah, yes, I did consider it unlikely that your motivation for being here was simply to do your laundry.” Sheldon interrupted smugly.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re brilliant.” Penny picked up the yellow waistcoat she wore for work. “Is this knit?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, cool.” Penny dropped it onto an empty space of bench. “So, I had a look at my assignment sheet today and I really don’t know where to start.”

Sheldon dropped one last bright shirt onto the ‘dark colours’ pile. “Do you have it with you?”

“The assignment sheet?” Penny pulled the paper out of her back pocket and started to unfold it. “Here.”

Sheldon took the paper, opened it, and then glanced it over. “Oh, good lord! Why did it have to be history?”

“Yeah, well, if all the brilliant people in the world take physics there has to be something for the rest of us to study, right?”

“Penny, Penny, Penny,” Sheldon shook his head. “I have met many physicists in my life, and I would describe very few of them as being ‘brilliant’.”

“Okay, fine, you’re the most brilliant human of them all.” Penny retorted. “Can you please just ignore the fact that it’s history and help me? Please?”

“Very well then.” Sheldon said, with a long suffering sigh. “It seems rather straightforward to me.”

“You can’t have read it already!”

“I have a quicker than average reading speed.” Sheldon explained. “What part of your assignment are you confused about?”

“I don’t know! All of it?” Penny dropped another blouse onto the ‘whites pile’. “I don’t even know anything about slavery, let alone what social ramifications are.”

Sheldon expression shifted as it always did when he was about to impart some knowledge. “A ramification is another way of saying ‘a consequence’. It comes from the French word, ‘ramifier’.”

“Okay, I sort of knew that first part.”

“So a social ramification is the a consequence of an event that affects a group of people.”

“Right,” Penny nodded, it seemed kind of obvious now that Sheldon had explained it. “So an economic ramification is, like, a consequence that affects money?”

“Close enough.” Sheldon said, with a proud smile.

Penny’s insides warmed. “Right, but how am I supposed to know any of that?”

“By researching it.”

“With what books?” Penny asked. “Strangely enough, I don’t actually have any books on slavery lying around my apartment.”

“I presume that you have access to the community college’s library?” Sheldon asked, sounding as though the phrase community college was somehow bitter in his mouth.

“Yeah, I guess, but I’ve never actually been there.”

“I doubt it’s any good, anyway.” Sheldon said. “Tomorrow is your day off, correct?”

“Yeah.” Penny answered cautiously. “Why?”

“You can drive me to the University and access the library there using my credentials.” Sheldon decided.”

Penny dropped the dress she was holding back into the basket and turned towards Sheldon. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

“I don’t see why not.” Sheldon said magnanimously. “You’re my friend and, after five years of poor decision making, you are finally making decision that I approve of. I would be remiss not to reward that behaviour.”

Penny shook her head with a laugh. “And just for that, I’m going to hug you!”

Sheldon’s expression twisted into one of horror. “Penny! You’ve been handling your dirty laundry!”

“Good point,” Penny acknowledged, she didn’t want to upset Sheldon so much that he took back the offer. “I’ll hug you later then. When you’re least expecting it.”

1-1-1

Walking through the University halls with Sheldon by her side was a very different experience to walking them on her own. Though, she wasn’t sure that Sheldon’s presence was the only thing making a difference.

Admittedly Sheldon’s sarcastic and grumbling comments about how pointless history was as a subject were distracting, but Penny couldn’t help but notice that the people she saw in the corridors of the Social Sciences School were very different from the ones she always saw around Sheldon and Leonard’s offices. To start with, there were more women and some of them actually looked normal – like people who actually had a life.

Well, at least, they would have if they hadn’t been at the university on a Sunday afternoon.

“Don’t these people get weekends off?” Penny asked curiously, as they followed a sign that pointed them towards the library.

“They do.” Sheldon allowed. “Penny, do you know what it’s like to enjoy something so much that you never want a holiday from it?”

“Sort of, I guess?” Penny shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s how I feel about theoretical physics and, for some unfathomable reason, that’s how these people feel about their petty fields of study.”

“But you’re never at the university on a Sunday. You spend Sundays at home, except for when you guys go and fight a kite, or whatever.”

“I used to spend Sundays at the university,” Sheldon said, his tone almost mournful. “But then I realised how unhygienic the bus was.”

“So why don’t you just give and learn how to drive?” Penny asked. “You already have your license, right?”

“I don’t drive.”

“I know, sweetie, I remember when you took me to the emergency room.” Penny winced. “Still, that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t learn to drive, if you really decided to put your brain to it.”

“I don’t want to.” Sheldon said, with his own patented mix of petulant and stubborn.

“Yeah, I get that too, I just don’t get why. Think about it. If you could drive you’d be able to come to the university whenever you wanted. You could go to the train store without having to convince one of us to drive you. You’d be a free man.”

“I’d be a dead man.” Sheldon retorted. “Smashed into the tarmac like a wayward squirrel.”

“I never thought I’d hear admit to being less capable at something than us lesser beings.” Penny goaded, as they approached a set of double doors with a sign that announced that they’d found the library. “Surely if my less evolved brain can handle driving, yours should be able to pull it off without a problem.”

“I know that you’re trying to manipulate me.” Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her.

“Is it working?” Penny asked curiously, as she held the door open for Sheldon.

“Shhh,” Sheldon frowned. “No talking in the library.”

Penny rolled her eyes and lowered her voice. “I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to whisper. I’ll tell you what. Since you’re secretly helping me with this class, I’m taking, I’ll secretly teach you how to drive.”

“That hardly seems like a fair exchange.” Sheldon complained. “You need my help to pass your class, whereas I have no need for your help.”

“Oh, you need my help. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Sheldon’s expression darkened. “I don’t drive, Penny.”

“Alright, that’s fine.” Penny soothed, judging Sheldon to be close to losing his cool. “I know how scary it can be to do something new. Just taking this class is terrifying. But I want you to know that, if you change your mind, I’m here to help.”

Sheldon nodded stiffly. “I know.”

“Cool then,” Penny glanced around for something she could use to change the subject. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many books in one place.”

Sheldon looked around dismissively. “I suppose that there are a fair few.”

“A fair few?” Penny asked at her normal volume, earning herself a disapproving glare from Sheldon. “A fair few?” She repeated, in a whisper. “Sheldon, there must be thousands of books here.”

“Tens of thousands.” Sheldon corrected, before coming to a stop in front of a shelf of books. “And these are the ones you are looking for.”

Penny wrinkled her nose at the books. They didn’t look like much fun to read. “How did you know where to find them?”

“I did my research.” Sheldon said, with a pointed look.

“Right,” Penny sighed. “So, which books do I want? I don’t have to take them all, right?”

“You do not. I would recommend choosing ten. First, we need to look the books over and decide which ones will be helpful for your assignment.”

Penny grabbed one of the books in front of her, flipped it open, and then grimaced as she attempted to read the first sentence. “And which ones are actually written in English.”

Sheldon moved closer to read over her shoulder. “That book is in English.”

“I mean english English.” Penny whispered back. “Not ‘massive words no one understands’ English.”

“You mean layman’s English.” Sheldon corrected, flipping open a book. “Perhaps we should get you a dictionary.”

“Trust me, Sheldon, if I need a dictionary to read something, I’m not going to read it.” Penny said, retrieving another book. “Oh, this one’s better.”

“Does it discuss the subject of your assignment?” Sheldon checked.

“I don’t know. How do I tell?”

Sheldon took the book off her and glanced at the back of it. “Yes, that will work.”

“Oh good,” Penny tucked the book under her arm. “Only nine more to go.”

1-1-1

Apparently, when Sheldon had suggested that Penny drive him to the university so they could look at the library, what he’d really meant was that she could drive him there so that they could spend half an hour in the library and the rest of the afternoon in his office so he could work.

Penny did even know why she was surprised and, to be honest, she wasn’t sure why she was complaining. Sheldon had been right when he had pointed out that it hadn’t worked out too badly for her. She still got the pile of books that Sheldon had helped her choose from the library, and then several hours in a distraction free zone to start reading them. Though apparently distraction free was a relative term since Penny had found Sheldon’s muttering and occasional frenzied scribbling on his board distracting as hell.

But her time reading in Sheldon’s office had definitely been well spent. She hadn’t even started on the history books yet. Instead she had read the first three sections of the eleventh book that Sheldon had insisted that she borrow from the library.

She’d felt a bit hurt when he’d first handed the book to her - ‘Assignment Writing for Dummies’ was hardly the most encouraging title – but she had to admit that the book had been a life-saver. She already felt a hundred times more ready to approach her assignment with confidence - or if not confidence, then at least without fear and trembling – and she hadn’t even started the section on actually writing the essay yet. In fact, she was enjoying the book so much that, once she was home and had put a pot of water on for ramen noodles, she found herself sitting down to read it again. She was going to kick ass at this assignment!

1-1-1

Penny didn’t have any shifts on Monday, so, after breakfast, she forced herself to sit down and open the first history book on the pile. After how easy she’d found the first book to read she’d been dreading starting in on the history books that were sure to be like reading a dictionary or something, but the book surprised her.

Clearly Sheldon’s enthusiasm for weird things was rubbing off on her, because the book was really interesting. Sure there were some words that Penny didn’t even recognise, but they didn’t come up too often so she just ignored them and kept reading.

It wasn’t until she needed to pee that Penny stopped, stretched out her back, and realised that it was already three o’clock in the afternoon and she’d somehow managed to write three pages worth of notes! How had she just spent four hours studying without even realising it? How had she just spent half a day studying and not hated it?

Deciding that four hours of study was definitely enough; it wasn’t as though she was a geek or anything, Penny pulled on her running shoes and headed out for a jog. She made slow work down the stairs, using them as an opportunity to stretch out her muscles, and the stopped still when she reached the lobby. She couldn’t believe her eyes.

There were men working on the elevator.

“Hey,” She offered the nearest one a smile. “Whatcha doing?”

“Fixin’ the elevator.” The man answered, his tongue darting out to lick his lips as he stared at her chest. “You live here?”

“I sure do.” Penny agreed, forcing down her desire to shudder as he leered at her. “How long do you reckon it’ll take you?”

“A few weeks.” The man answered absently, before jerking his gaze up to Penny’s face and offering her what was probably supposed to be a seductive smile. Penny thought it looked more predatory than anything. “So we’ll have plenty of opportunities to get to know each other.”

“Sure,” Penny offered in a non-committal tone. “I guess, I’ll see you around then.”

“You can bet on it.” The man’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. “I certainly will be.”

Penny barely managed to make it outside before her body gave into its urge to shudder. Why did men have to be so gross all the time? Why couldn’t they just hold a decent, non-committal conversation without looking her over like she was a piece of meat?

1-1-1

Setting off in the direction of the park, Penny transitioned into a jog. The heat from the sun felt amazing on her shoulders and she was glad that she had decided to ditch the books and get some fresh air. Despite how much she had been enjoying it, there was only so long that a person could spend locked up inside studying before they went mad. Which now that she thought about it, explained a lot about Sheldon, Howard, Raj, and even Leonard.

It was almost an hour later, that Penny made her way back to the apartment building. In a strategy to avoid a second interaction with the creepy guy, she barely paused long enough to open the door before jogging her way straight up the stairs. It worked a charm, and Penny enjoyed the extra burn that the stairs gave her calves.

She’d only made it up the first two flights of stairs, when she saw the new neighbours in front of her. They were moving slowly and, as she slowed to a walk a few steps behind them, she realised why. Eliot was leaning on Hardison and limping.

“Hey, guys.” She greeted cheerfully, noting that none of them startled in surprise. “How was your work trip?”

“Hey, Penny,” Parker turned around with a smile. “It went alright. Except there were some, uh, security issues, and Eliot got a bit beaten up.”

“I can see that.” Penny commented, as Parker fell into step beside her. “Is he going to be alright?”

“He’ll be fine.” Hardison answered, from a few steps ahead. “It’s a sprained ankle and a few bruised ribs. He’s just being a drama queen.”

“Have you ever had bruised ribs, Hardison?” Eliot growled. “No? Then shut up!”

“Ouch,” Penny winced in sympathy. “Once in junior rodeo I bruised some of my ribs. It hurt like a bitch.”

“You were in junior rodeo?” Hardison asked, starting to twist around to look back at Penny before stopping when Eliot growled at him.

“I sure was. Interstate champion even.” Penny boasted proudly. “I could lasso and hogtie a calf in less than fifteen seconds.”

“Cool,” Parker sounded impressed. “Did you ever do junior rodeo, Eliot?”

“I rode horses, not cattle.” Eliot answered grumpily.

Penny didn’t blame him. She’d been grumpy too if she had to climb five flights of stairs in as much pain as he had to be in. “Pity this didn’t happen in a few weeks after the elevator’s fixed. Then you could have just ridden your way to the top.”

“That’s what I said.” Parker declared, looking pleased with herself.

“I can’t believe they’re finally fixing it,” Penny commented, when it was clear that neither of the guys were going to say anything. “It’s been broken since I moved in over five years ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s been broken since the week Leonard moved in, and that was more than seven years ago!”

“Do you know how it got broken?” Parker asked curiously.

“Nope,” Penny lied evenly. “Not a clue. It must have been something pretty bad though, if it took them this long to fix it. I wonder why they decided to finally fix it.”

“Yeah,” Parker agreed, her tone slightly off. “Who knows?”

There was a long silence, filled only by the sound of their shoes against the stairs, before Penny spoke again. “So are you guys going away again soon, or are you back for a while?”

“We’ll be back for a while.” Parker answered confidently. “Our next job is local, but we can’t really do anything other than the background work until Eliot heals up.”

“That’s what, about a month away?” Penny asked, trying to remember how long it had taken her to recover. “How does that work? Do you get paid when you’re not working?”

“We work under an alternate revenue stream.” Parker answered, sounding as though she was quoting something. “We’ll be fine.”

“Cool,” Penny wished she had the kind of job that let you take a month off and kept paying you.

7-7-7

“Let’s try that again.” Angela, Penny’s acting teacher, suggested. “Sally, I want to see more emotion. Remember to draw emotion from your own experiences and then project that into your acting.”

Penny gritted her teeth in frustration as she got back into position. This was the fifth time they were going to run through this one scene and she couldn’t help but think that there less painful things she could be doing with her time.

She hadn’t considered how hard it would be to still attend her acting classes after the decision she had made the week before. Everything they did just reminded her that she had finally given up hope and abandoned her dream to become a famous actress. She didn’t regret the decision, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t wish that she hadn’t had to make it. It didn’t help that she still had no idea what she was going to do with her life.

“Alright, and go.” Angela called from the front of the room.

Penny painted a smile on her face and walked across the room towards Sally. She was glad she only had three more weeks until their performance was finally over and done with. It was just too painful.

1-1-1

“Penny, your boyfriend’s table has arrived. Right on schedule.”

Penny pulled a face. She’d really been hoping that Leonard would convince Sheldon that they should skip their Tuesday night dinner at the Cheesecake Factory tradition. She hadn’t seen him since he’d called her a ‘heartless bitch’ on the stairs and she really didn’t want to risk a scene at work.

“Ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him last week.”

“Ooh,” Gina winced sympathetically. “Do you want me to take it then?”

Turning around, Penny sighed when she saw that Bernadette and Amy had apparently decided to join the boys. Fantastic, just what she needed. “No, it’s alright. I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him or anything.”

“You’re braver than I am.” Gina commented. “I moved my gym membership when I broke up with Dave.”

“Avoiding Leonard isn’t really an option unless I decide to move.” Penny said, grabbing her notepad and pencil from her pocket. “He lives across the hall from me.”

“Sucks to be you.” Gina commented, before heading in the direction of a table that needed to be cleared.

Penny straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. She could do this. So what if the thought of serving Leonard and their friends made her feel like she was somehow less worthy than they were? Clearly all the reading she’d been doing about the social implications of slavery was getting to her. This was no different than every other week, except she was going to be best damn waitress Leonard had ever had.

“Welcome to the Cheesecake Factory,” She started as she approached their table. “Are you ready to order?”

“Hey, Penny,” Bernadette’s smile was a bit sheepish. “How are you?”

“Busy,” Penny said shortly, and not entirely untruthfully. “Sheldon, the usual?”

“Yes,” Sheldon agreed, looking at the menu as though they hadn’t both memorised his order. “A Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger, with barbecue, bacon and cheese on the side.”

“Right,” Penny scribbled that onto the notepaper. “And a lemonade, right?”

“That is correct.”

“Great,” Penny turned her attention to Raj. It was the first time she’d seen him since the breakup, so she was curious to see what his reaction to everything was. Was he going to take Leonard’s side and snub her, or refuse to take sides like Sheldon. “Raj?”

Raj turned to whisper in Leonard’s ear before apparently thinking better of it when he took in the way Leonard was glaring at her. Next he turned to Sheldon who was on his other side, but Sheldon warded him off with a warning glare.

“I’ll get you a beer.” Penny promised, taking pity on him. “And your usual?”

Raj nodded, looking down at the table dejectedly.

“I’ll have the nachos.” Leonard decided, with a decidedly passive-aggressive tone. “It’s not as though I have any reason to watch my lactose intolerance anymore.”

“Leonard!” Sheldon protested, before Penny could even roll her eyes. “I should think that not keeping me awake at night with your inevitably loud and prolonged flatulence was reason enough.”

Leonard glared at him. “Nachos, and a strawberry milkshake.”

This time Penny did roll her eyes. “Noted. Amy?”

“I will have the Chicken Burger with a side salad.” Amy ordered. “And an orange juice.”

Penny noted that on her notepad. “And Bernadette?”

“Lasagna please.” Bernadette said, looking uncomfortable. “And maybe a diet lemonade?”

“Absolutely,” Penny offered them her most professional smile. “Would you like a pitcher of water for the table?”

“Sure,” Amy agreed, before turning to Sheldon. “Odd, it seems as though the termination of Penny and Leonard’s relationship has done wonders for her waitressing skills.”

Penny prevented her smile from wavering with sheer force of will. “I’ll bring that right over.”

“You alright?” Gina asked, as they met at the fridge that held the pitchers of water. “Your ex is glaring at you like he hopes you’ll set fire or something.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Penny let out a loud sigh. “Leonard’s just not taking the break-up well. It wasn’t exactly mutual.”

“Are they ever?” Gina asked, reaching for a pitcher. “At least he hasn’t keyed your car yet.”

“He wouldn’t dare.” Penny said, narrowing her eyes in Leonard’s direction. “I’d squash him like a bug.” Though, to be honest, she thought she’d rather Leonard just keyed her car and got over it, rather than this ongoing passive-aggressive sulking.

The rest of Leonard and their friends’ evening in the restaurant passed eventually, unless you counted the fact that Leonard hadn’t stopped glaring the entire time. Penny just ignored him, and then breathed a sigh of relief when they all finally finished their desserts (Leonard chose an ice-cream sundae, like the idiot he was), and left.

“What did you even see in him?” Gina asked, as she helped Penny carry their dessert dishes away. “Is he, like, amazing in bed or something?”

“Leonard?” Penny raised an eyebrow. “No, he really isn’t. I’d give him an A for effort though.”

“Ah, one of those,” Gina sighed. “So what was it then? Why were you even dating him?”

“He’s a nice guy,” Penny said honestly. “And I got sick of dating asses.”

“A nice guy would not have just spent the last hour and a half glaring at you.” Gina retorted. “Is he a nice guy, or a ‘nice guy’.”

“There’s a difference?”

“It’s a popular tv trope,” Gina explained. “We studied it in my Modern Media Studies paper last semester. You know, the guy who seems nice, and advertises himself as nice, but is actually a jerk in disguise. They’re all ‘date me, I’m a nice guy’, and then you do and end up having him glaring at you across the restaurant.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” Penny laughed, she’d never considered Leonard like that before. “Leonard does sort of fit the bill.”

“I dated a ‘nice guy’ once. It was worse than dating an actual jerk. He was so passive-aggressive and manipulative. At least you can predict that the jerk is going to be a jerk.” Gina commented, as she left to take a table their desserts.

Penny considered that as she went back to wipe down the empty table. Gina was so right! In fact, he’d even admitted it to her the last time they were broken up. He’d spent an entire evening telling about how he’d pretended to like things just so that she would sleep with him. How had she forgotten that?

The more she thought about it, the more she realised how often Leonard had been manipulative to get his own way (which usually involved her being naked) and, by the time her shift ended at ten, she was fit to be tied.

How dare Leonard try and make her feel guilty for breaking up with him when he’d been manipulating her all along? She’d have broken up with him ages ago if she hadn’t been worried about his poor, little hurt feelings. She bet his feelings weren’t even that hurt. He was probably just sulking over the fact that he didn’t get to have hot sex anymore.

Not that their sex had ever been hot. Not for her at least. Leonard just didn’t get her motor running. He never had. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had really enjoyed a good sex marathon.

Parking in front of her apartment building, Penny strode into the apartment building and then up the stairs. She was half tempted to get changed and then go out again to find someone to hook up with. Someone who was actually hot. Someone who could remind her what if felt like to really enjoy yourself.

Arriving on the third floor, Penny turned the corner and knocked straight into a warm body.

“Woah,” Eliot’s southern drawl sounded, as large, warm hands steadied her waist. “You alright there, sweetheart.”

Penny glanced up at his face and barely managed to resist the urge to kiss him right then and there. He was exactly her type and, if she was reading her signals right, she wasn’t the only interested party. She could feel desire pooling in her stomach, but she wasn’t entirely convinced that she wanted to act on it. It had been a long time since she’d had a one night stand, and it wasn’t as though Eliot was a stranger.

“Sorry,” She offered him a smile, even as she relaxed under his hands. “I didn’t see you there.”

“No worries,” Eliot drawled, his hands still warm against her waist. “You can bump into me anytime you like.”

Penny parted her lips and breathed in the scent of his leather jacket. “Oh, yeah?” She wet her lip and watched his eyes follow the action. “I wouldn’t want to hurt your ribs.”

“A small thing like you?” Eliot smiled crookedly. “My ribs are fine, darling.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Penny swallowed, feeling suddenly lightheaded. “You busy?”

“Can’t say I am.” Eliot answered, as though he hadn’t been on his way down the stairs. “What’ve you got in mind?”

“I don’t know,” Penny focused her eyes on his lower lip and swallowed heavily. “But I’m sure we could think of something.”

“Oh, yeah?” Eliot asked, his eyes watching her heatedly.

“Yeah,” Penny confirmed, leaning forward to gently kiss him.

Eliot’s hands tightened around her waist as he deepened the kiss. His mouth was demanding against hers and Penny could feel her body melting into his. It made her glad for his hands that were keeping her steady. She had forgotten what it felt like to be kissed properly.

“Your place?” Eliot’s voice was husky when they eventually broke for air.

“It is closer.” Penny agreed breathlessly.

1-1-1

Penny shifted her head against her pillow as she slowly returned to consciousness. There a delicious sort of ache radiating through her body. The kind of ache that only came after a really great night and, boy, was Eliot great. He threw himself into sex the same way she did – wholeheartedly, passionately, and without reservation – and he definitely knew what he was doing. She couldn’t remember when she’d last enjoyed herself so much.

It had been perfect! And that was with Eliot having a sprained ankle and some bruised ribs. Penny really hoped that he was up for a repeat once he was all healed up. She couldn’t wait to experience Eliot’s talents when he wasn’t recovering from some kind of injury.

Penny turned her head to the other side of the bed to confirm that her memory of Eliot leaving in the middle of the night had really happened. Not that she minded. It was actually a relief to know that she and Eliot were on the same page about the whole thing. The sex had been great (really, really great) but that didn’t mean that she wanted to lie in bed and share life stories with him.

She stretched in place, smiling in pleasure as more aches made themselves known to her. Oh, yeah, she definitely wanted to do that again.

1-1-1

Wednesday marked seven days from when she’d broken up with Leonard and Penny was struck by how much of a difference a week had made. She wasn’t feeling uncomfortable and conflicted about her relationship anymore, she had the most delicious post-sex aches, she actually felt prepared for her night class, and she had plans to play poker with the new neighbours.

If she’d known that breaking up with Leonard would make her feel this good she would have done it months ago!

Her shift at the Cheesecake Factory went mostly without incident (except that her tips were enough that she was finally going to be able to pay her overdue rent), as did her night class and, before she knew it, Penny was knocking on the door of 5A wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans and her favourite top. Just because she and Eliot had already ended up in bed once, didn’t mean that she wasn’t going to put the effort in.

“Penny!” Parker exclaimed excitedly as she tugged the door open. “You’re here!”

“I am,” Penny agreed, allowing Parker to grab her hand and pull her into the apartment. “Wow, this place looks nice.”

It was the exact same design as Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment, except it wasn’t filled with geek stuff. Well, unless you considered the four ridiculously large screens that they’d put on the wall. Penny hadn’t even known you could get screens that big, and she had no idea why a person would want four of them on the same wall. Though, judging by the weird portrait of an old guy that was hanging next to the window, Hardison and Parker had some bizarre tastes in internal decorating.

“Sup, Penny,” Hardison greeted from behind a computer.

“Sup.” Penny returned, shoving her hands in her pockets.

“Hardison’s playing World of Warcraft.” Parker explained. “He’ll be done soon, right, Hardison?”

“Any minute now, mamma.” Hardison promised. “Die, you stupid orc, die, die, die!”

Penny choked down a laugh. “Does he ever play with a group? I’m sure the guys would be willing to have him join them. Well, Sheldon probably wouldn’t be, but we could talk him around.”

“I met Sheldon on the stairs yesterday.” Parker announced, making her way towards the kitchen. “You were right. He totally looks like a praying mantis.”

“Weird isn’t it?” Penny grinned. “The world’s largest and cutest praying mantis.”

Parker yanked open the fridge and grabbed out a bottle filled with a neon orange liquid. “Orange soda?”

“Uh,” Penny swallowed down a grimace and settled down on one of the bar stools. “I’m good thanks.”

“Oh, okay,” Parker didn’t look phased and she pulled two glasses out of the cupboard. “It’s Hardison’s favourite, so we drink it a lot. We used to have wine too, but then Sophie left. Otherwise there’s just Eliot’s beer.”

Penny smiled affectionately at Parker’s wrinkled nose. “Beer sounds great, if you’re sure Eliot won’t mind? You’re not a fan?”

“Blergh!” Parker retorted, showing her entire tongue in the process. “Beer is yucky!”

“So is orange soda.” Penny laughed, accepting the cold beer bottle that Parker passed her. “You’re sure Eliot won’t mind?”

“Nah,” Hardison answered, coming up behind them. “We can always just buy him some more.”

“Orc’s dead, huh?” Penny asked, as Hardison sat beside her.

“Dead as a doorknob.” Hardison confirmed.

Parker giggled. “Dead as we were in Portland?”

Hardison’s eyes widened and he glanced towards Penny. “Parker!”

“Oops,” Parker sucked in her top lip and glanced between then sheepishly. “Anyway, how was your day, Penny?”

Penny barely managed to contain her laugh, they were painfully unsubtle. Though she wasn’t sure what exactly they were trying to hide. “My day was great. It started off fantastically, and it didn’t go too far downhill from there. Work was good, my night class was interesting, and now I’m here – ready for pizza and poker! How were your days.”

“Good,” Hardison nodded slowly. “Real good. We mostly just cleared up the loose ends from our last job.”

“And had sex.” Parker put in with a wide grin.

“Parker!” Hardison glanced toward Penny again, as though expecting her to be offended. “You can’t say that!”

“I don’t see why not.” Parker argued. “Penny and I are friends. Friends talk about having sex. I’ve heard them.”

“Very true, they do.” Penny confirmed, tagging a swig of the beer. “As a matter of fact, I had sex last night.”

“You did?” Parker’s eyes widened and she leaned across the bench in interest. “Was it good? Cos Hardison and my sex was really good.”

“Parker!” Hardison stood up, looking completely scandalised. “I can’t just sit around and listen you talk about this. I’m going to help Eliot with the table!”

“He gets shy when other people are around.” Parker explained, as though Hardison’s exit needed to be defended.

“My ex was like that too.” Penny acknowledged. “That’s not why I broke up with though,” She added quickly. “There’s nothing wrong with shy guys.”

“So the guy you broke up with was Leonard, right?” Parker checked.

“Right.”

“And now you’re sleeping with Sheldon?”

Penny sprayed her beer across the bench. “What?!”

“You said he was cute.” Parker reminded her.

“Like a koala.” Penny defended, getting up to find a cloth to wipe up her mess. “Not like that!”

“Oh, sorry.” Parker gave a half shrug. “So who did you have sex with?”

“Just a random guy.” Penny answered, with forced casualness as the front door opened and Eliot and Hardison walked in carrying a folded up table.

“And was the sex any good?”

Penny glanced over Parker’s head and met Eliot’s eyes heatedly. “Oh, yeah.” She said with feeling. “Earth shatteringly good.”

Eliot looked smug.

“Oh, my god, Eliot!” Hardison exclaimed suddenly, dropping his end of the table with a thump. “You had sex with her?!”

Penny was torn between her amusement at the thought of the rant she knew Leonard would be receiving from Sheldon about noisy neighbours and her embarrassment at Hardison’s reaction.

“What?” Eliot wiped the smug smile off his face and offered Hardison an innocent one. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know that face.” Hardison accused, pointing a finger in Eliot’s direction. “You slept with her!”

“Yeah, I did.” Eliot abandoned the innocent expression without any sign of shame. “And it was earth-shattering.”

Penny could feel her face flushing as Hardison turned towards her with narrowed eyes. She was suddenly regretting even throwing out the comment. “What? It was!”

“Sex with Hardison is that good too.” Parker confided, apparently unphased by the new information. “Like, breaking into a high security vault. Or beating a Storeco.”

Penny raised an eyebrow at the strange phrasing.

“Parker!” Hardison and Eliot both rebuked from where they were standing with the table.

“Oh, right,” Parker winced. “Sorry.”

“Come on, Hardison,” Eliot snapped. “Don’t just stand there, man, help me set up the table.”

“Oh, now you want my help.” Hardison complained, even as he picked his end back up. “Before you were all, ‘no, Hardison’, ‘I can do it, Hardison’, ‘leave me alone, Hardison’, but now suddenly you need me?”

“Oh, I’ll leave you alone.” Eliot growled, as they pulled the table’s legs out and then set it upright. “I’ll leave you alone on the ground with a broken neck!”

“So much violence,” Hardison shook his head. “Did you kiss your mamma with that mouth?”

“No, he kissed Penny!” Parker put in, before snorting in amusement at her own joke.

Penny laughed. “Yeah, he really did.”

“So, how did you meet?” Parker asked curiously.

“I screamed and he came to save me.” Penny reminded her.

“No, how did you meet last night.”

“We kind of just ran into each other on the stairs.” Penny confessed, heat spreading across her cheeks as she heard how that sounded. “I’d had a bad day and, well, the rest is history.”

“Cute.” Parker declared.

“Not really.” Hardison argued. “You couldn’t at least take her out for dinner first?”

“We’re having dinner now, aren’t we?” Eliot retorted.

“I was promised pizza.” Penny agreed, with an easy smile that would hopefully deflect the attention of Eliot’s lack of gentlemanly behaviour. She wasn’t sure why Hardison even cared. She certainly wasn’t complaining.

“Pizza’s coming.” Hardison pulled out his phone and touched the screen a few times. “Any minute now.”

“Food deliveries always take longer because of the elevator,” Penny explained. “And then the delivery guys expect large tips for having to climb up the stairs. I can’t wait for the elevator to be fixed.”

“Two weeks and counting.” Hardison crowed, as a knock sounded at the door.

“I got it.” Eliot said, before opening the door and taking the large pile of pizzas.

Penny stared at them all in disbelief. Just how many pizzas did they think four people could eat? “That is a lot of pizzas.”

“We didn’t know what kind you like.” Parker said apologetically. “So Hardison got some of everything.”

“Really?” Penny glanced back at the pile of pizzas that Eliot was carrying towards them. “How much do I owe you?”

“Our treat.” Parker chirped, before darting to the fridge and pulling out another two beers. “Here, you’re almost empty.”

“I am?” Penny glanced down at the bottle in her hand. “Damn, I must have been thirsty.”

“You like beer?” Eliot asked, accepting the beer Parker passed him.

“Oh, yeah,” Penny answered, swallowing heavily as Eliot’s scent hit her. “Especially when I’m playing poker or watching football.”

Eliot looked impressed. “Let me guess,” He looked her over. “Cornhuskers Fan?”

“Well, I am from Omahau.” Penny agreed. “Who do you support?”

“Cincinnati Bengals.”

“So you’re from Ohio then?” Penny asked curiously.

“Kentucky.” Eliot opened the first box of pizza. “Who wants pepperoni?”

1-1-1

It had been a long time since Penny had played any kind of poker, and even longer since she’d played Seven Card Stud, so it took her awhile to reaccustom herself to the game. Unfortunately, that meant that she lost the first few hands, though admittedly she probably would have done that anyway. There was something about starting off at the bottom of the pack that had always helped her get a handle on the other players’ tells.

Within the first three hands she’d learned that Eliot was good at keeping a straight face, but when he had a good hand his right hand lay completely still – probably in an attempt to stop himself from tapping a chip against the table; meanwhile, Parker’s emotions were easy to read from her eyes unless she had a good hand in which case they went completely blank; and Hardison’s body tensed slightly when he was excited about his cards. It was an excellent place to start.

Things only went uphill from there and, by the time Hardison was dealing the last round of the evening, her pile of chips was nearly twice the size as the others.

Glancing at her hidden cards, Penny was careful not to show a reaction. Between the seven of clubs that she had showing and the jack and king of clubs that made up her hole cards, she was well on her way to a flush, or maybe even a straight.

“Four dollars.” Hardison said, pushing his chips into the pot.

Eliot shot him a suspicious glare, before pushing forward his own chip. “Call.”

Penny didn’t blame him for his suspicion. Hardison’s method of playing seemed entirely illogical. He reminded her of a girl from high school who had chosen her bids, not on the cards, but in an attempt to keep the heights of her carefully stacked towers of chips even.

“Call.” Parker agreed.

“And I’m gonna call too.” Penny told them, before watching Hardison deal the next cards. Damn, three of spades, that wasn’t going to help her with anything. She glanced at the other cards on the table and then turned her attention towards the players. Eliot was tapping his finger slightly against his beer, so he wasn’t going to be a challenge. Parker might be though. Her cards might look bad, but her eyes were completely empty of emotion.

“Two dollars,” Parker said, after a few seconds.

“Call.” Penny said, lazily watching Hardison. He was way too relaxed to have a good hand.

“Raise you two dollars.” Hardison grinned.

Eliot looked as though he was grinding his teeth. “Call.”

“Call.”

Penny pushed two chips into the middle wordlessly.

“Alright then,” Hardison leaned forward in his seat to deal out the next hands. “Is it just me, or are things getting intense.”

“Only because you bid crazier than Parker plays chess.” Eliot growled. “Respect the game, Hardison.”

“Calm down,” Hardison rolled his eyes. “It ain’t like I’m the one cleaning you out or anything. That’s all Penny.”

“I’m beating all of you, not just Eliot.” Penny reminded him, with a wide smile.

“For now,” Hardison agreed dramatically. “For now.”

Penny just raised an eyebrow at him. She wasn’t worried, especially not now that she had added the queen of clubs to her collection. She eyed Hardison speculatively, wondering how far he would take his charade.

Parker was frowning down at her newest card. She leaned back with a pout. “I’m out.”

“Four dollars.” Penny said, dropping the chips onto the pile.

“Raise you four.” Hardison said, pushing what amounted about a third of his pile forward with confidence.

“Hardison!” Eliot rebuked, pushing his chair back from the table. “I’m getting myself another beer.”

“So you’re out?” Hardison asked, smugly.

“Yeah, I’m out!”

“Well, I’m not.” Penny said, adding another four chips to the growing pile. “Hit me, Hardison.”

“My nanna taught me not to hit girls.” Hardison quipped, as he dealt them both a new card. “Well, not unless they hit me first.”

Penny considered the ten of hearts she had been dealt. It didn’t help her with a flush, but it was one step closer to a straight. There was only one more card to be dealt, but given that she could work with any ace, nine, or club, she was feeling hopeful.

“So if a girl punched you, you’d punch back?” Penny asked curiously. “Really? You’d hit a girl?”

“He’d try.” Eliot muttered.

“If she was hitting me? Hell, yeah!” Hardison exclaimed. “I’m all about gentlemanly manners and all that, but I ain’t just gonna stand there and let myself get beaten up!”

Eliot snorted as he dropped back into his chair. “You wouldn’t recognise gentlemanly manners if they bit you in the ass.”

“Excuse you, ‘sleeps with a girl without buying her dinner’,” Hardison retorted. “I happen to be very gentlemanly. Right, Parker? Come on, girl, back me up here.”

“Right,” Parker confirmed with a grin. “He always lets me jump first and everything.”

“Jump?” Penny asked curiously, noting the way that Hardison’s eyes widened and Eliot looked suddenly uncomfortable. “You guys go skydiving or something?”

“Yeah,” Hardison nodded quickly, “Yeah, that’s it. Skydiving. Parker introduced me to it.”

“Hardison, are you gonna bet or what?” Eliot snapped suddenly.

“What?” Hardison looked down at the cards in front of him. “Oh, right, uh, four dollars.”

“Call.” Penny agreed, pushing her own chips into the centre. She waited for Hardison to deal her last card face down and then sneaked a look at it. The nine of diamonds, perfect!

Hardison leaned forward in his chair. “You ready for this, Penny? Cause I’m about to bring it like you ain’t never seen it brung!”

Eliot groaned. “Play or fold, Hardison!”

“Four dollars,” Hardison said, dramatically pushing them forward.

“And another four,” Penny said, casually adding eight to the four.

Hardison stared at her. “Really? That’s how you’re going to play this?”

“Scared?” Penny taunted.

“Hell, no!” Hardison pushed another eight forward. “Are you scared?”

“What do you say we do away with the betting limits to speed things up?” Penny asked. “I’ll raise you eight.”

Hardison swallowed as he looked down at his pile that contained exactly eight chips. “You’ll raise me eight, huh?” He asked, his tone more high pitched than usual. “Eight? Yeah, I’ll see your eight.”

“Wonderful,” Penny smile widely at him. “Whatcha got then? Show them to mamma.”

Hardison glanced towards Eliot, as though hoping for some help. “Uh, why don’t you show me yours?”

“Sure,” Penny agreed, quickly flipping over her three hidden cards. “Straight, king high.”

“Right then,” Hardison swallowed again. “Well, you win.”

“I know that,” Penny told him sweetly, beginning to pick up the pot. “By how much?”

“Huh?” Hardison feigned deafness, as he used a hand to sweep his cards up. “What was that?”

“What’d you have?” Penny wheedled. “Two pair?” She watched his expression. “One pair? Hardison, please tell me you didn’t just bet everything thing on an ace high?”

“And it would have worked if you’d just folded like you were supposed to.” Hardison grumbled under his breath.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “I had a straight! Do you know how rare they are?”

“How was I supposed to know that?” Hardison grumbled. “I ain’t a grifter.”

“A what?” Penny blinked, before deciding it didn’t matter. “Would you have done that if we were playing for actual money?”

“We weren’t playing for actual money?” Parker asked incredulously. “But then what’s the point of winning?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Penny smirked in Hardison’s direction. “Personally I find being able to gloat over my victory to be pretty satisfying.”

“Of course we were playing for money.” Eliot said, tidying up the cards. “You don’t play poker and not play for money. Well, not unless you’re playing for clothes.

“Why would you play poker for clothes?” Parker asked innocently.

“It’s called strip poker.” Penny explained. “And you don’t win clothes exactly, you win the right the make other people take off their clothes.”

“Oooh,” Parker’s eyes widened. “We should play that!”

“I ain’t playing strip poker with you, Parker.” Eliot retorted quickly. “Not now, not ever!”

1-1-1

When Penny woke up the next morning, she couldn’t help but smile to herself as she remembered the events of the previous evening. She couldn’t remember when she’d last had such a good time (so long as you didn’t include sex with Eliot). The only thing that had come close was hanging out with Sheldon in the laundry room and then the university, but that didn’t count - because laundry and studying weren’t fun.

Parker, Hardison and Eliot had been so easy to hang out with. There hadn’t been any awkwardness, no pressure, and she hadn’t felt stupid once. In fact, given that she’d cleaned them all out at poker, she thought she’d done pretty well for herself. Speaking of which, she didn’t know when she’d ever been so pleased to win. There was no way she could have afforded to lose the $50 she had apparently been betting with. Though the hundred and fifty dollars that she’d won would definitely go a long way towards keeping her fed on more than ramen noodles.

Without turning over, Penny felt around the top of her bedside cabinet for her phone before checking it for messages. There were two texts, one from Amy and one from Parker.

She opened the one from Amy first, before grimacing when she saw that Bernadette and Amy had apparently decided to invite themselves over to her house that night for a ‘Girls’ Night. She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. It had been a week since they’d last hung out (if you didn’t count Leonard’s glare-a-thon at the Cheesecake Factory) and they normally saw each other two or three times a week. Still, she really wasn’t in the mood to hang out with them.

If the poker night had taught her anything, it was how boring her normal social life was. All they ever did at ‘Girls’ Night’ was sit around, drink wine, gossip about boys, and complain about their lives. Oh god, she’d turned into her mother.

She opened Parker’s text next.

‘Hey, Penny. Thanks for all the fun! You should win money off us more often.”

Penny grinned, she definitely wasn’t opposed to the idea. And not just because her bank balance could definitely use the boost. She wondered if Parker was free that evening. Girls’ Night would definitely be more fun if Parker was there to act as a buffer. That being said, it was probably unfair for her to force Parker into the awkwardness that was Amy trying to defend her title as ‘Penny’s Best Friend.’

Her finger hovering over the ‘call’ button, Penny tried to decide what to do. Did she call Parker and let her make the decision, or not call Parker and so condemn herself to an evening of being condescended to.

The call was dialing before she had even registered having made a decision.

“Penny, hi,” Parker answered the phone with her usual perkiness. “Did you have fun last night?”

“I really did,” Penny assured her, a smile stretching her face. “You guys definitely know how to show a girl a good time.”

“Oh, good.” Parker sounded pleased. “I haven’t done much hosting before. Sophie always did it, except for with Peggy, but even then I mostly just met her at bars and book clubs.”

“You were in a book club?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t very fun.” Parker admitted freely. “I only went because Peggy invited me, and she was my friend.”

Penny winced. Well, that told her all she needed to know about whether to invite Parker along to girls night at her house. She didn’t want Parker to feel obligated to come because they were friends. That being said, maybe she could arrange to meet Penny tomorrow and so have something to look forward to.

“Yeah, it doesn’t sound that fun,” She agreed. “But then I guess it would depend on the book. Hey, are you free tomorrow morning? I’m starting work after lunch, but we could go out for coffee together?”

“You want to go out for coffee with me?” Parker asked, sounding really excited.

“Well, we are friends,” Penny reminded her, touched by Parker’s delight. There was something about it that was less irritating than Amy’s excitement when they had first started hanging out, but Penny didn’t know why. Maybe it was because Parker never seemed to be expecting anything from her.

“Where should we go for coffee?” Parker asked. “Wait, if we go out for coffee, am I allowed to order a hot chocolate?”

“If you want,” Penny smiled. “You can order whatever you want. Why don’t we meet at that little cafe on the corner at eleven? You know, the one with the yellow door?”

“Eleven o’clock,” Parker confirmed, still sounding delighted. “Should I bring anything?”

“For coffee?” Penny asked. “Um, just money to buy your coffee, I think.”

“Money,” Parker said, as though she was noting it down. “Got it. See you then, Penny.”

“Bye,” Penny hung up the phone, climbed out of bed and walked into the lounge area of the apartment to make sure that it was ready for Amy and Bernadette’s visit that night. It looked much tidier than it usually did, and Penny grinned proudly at the knowledge that she’d managed to keep it that way for a whole week. She really was starting to get her life on track.

9-9-9

Penny’s work shift was over by six and, after popping into grocery store and stocking up on more cereal, milk, as well as a bag of apples that would hopefully work as some kind of healthy snack, she headed home to get ready for Bernadette and Amy who were due to arrive in just over an hour.

It felt weird to be climbing up the stairs and knowing that she wouldn’t be heading over to 4A. In the past she and the girls had tended to start the night with dinner with the guys before heading over to her apartment for some girl time. Arriving at the landing outside the guys’ apartment, Penny paused to listen for any sign that Amy and Bernadette were inside.

The sound of Bernadette’s laughter felt like a fist to gut. Damn it! This was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to break up with Leonard (well, one of the reasons at least). All her friends were on the other side of the door eating pizza (except for Howard, who was sort of her friend but was in space) and she had to go and let herself into her empty apartment to eat a bowl of cereal.

She knew it was illogical, but she couldn’t help but feel betrayed by Amy and Bernadette. Last week they had been so determined to take her side of the break up, and yet their actions really didn’t back it up. Just two days ago they had come to the Cheesecake Factory with Leonard, and now they were in their eating with him.

Which was good. As it should be. She’d been the one to remind them that Leonard was their friend too. She’d been the one to ask them not to pick sides. She could hardly blame them for hanging out with him like they always had.

After unlocking her door, Penny carried her groceries into the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge. Then she rubbed at her eyes to try and rid herself from the tears that were prickling at them, before looking over at her clock.

Damn it, the girls weren’t due for an hour yet. What was she supposed to do? She knew she should probably use the time to read one of her study books, but there was no way she could concentrate on that right now. She needed something to distract her. Something to take her mind off the fact that all her friends were next door laughing together without her.

Penny paused, as a thought occurred to her. They weren’t all her friends. After all, she’d been making new friends in the new neighbours. She didn’t know if she and Parker were close enough yet for her to just show up at the door (and it probably wasn’t a very good idea anyway, given that Penny hadn’t invited her to girls’ night), but she was almost certain that Eliot wouldn’t mind a booty call. He seemed like the kind of guy that enjoyed casual sex, and a lot of it.

Quickly shucking off her uniform, Penny changed into a dress that was both sexy and easy to remove. Then, after checking her make up in the mirror, she headed upstairs before she lost her nerve.

Knock, knock, Penny wrapped her knuckles against the door and then forced her hand away before she completed the rest of Sheldon’s knocking routine. It was a bit unsettling to realise how ingrained it had become. It was really addictive. No wonder Sheldon did it all the time.

Eliot answered the door with his hair tied up and a navy t-shirt that did nothing to hide how completely and utterly ripped he was. Penny swallowed heavily at the sight. This had definitely been a good idea.

“Penny,” He said, his eyebrows rising in surprise as he leaned casually against the door frame.

“Hey,” Penny offered him a wide smile. “How ya goin’, neighbour?”

“Pretty good.” Eliot wasn’t even trying to disguise the way his eyes were appreciatively running over her body. “You need to borrow some sugar?”

“I’m good,” Penny said, offering him one of her tried and proved flirtatious smiles. “I could do with another good work out though, you up for a repeat? I’ve got an hour.”

Eliot’s eyes widened in surprise and unmistakable lust. “Just an hour?”

“I’ve got people coming over,” Penny explained simply, reaching out to touch her fingertips against his chest. “How are your ribs?”

Eliot’s smile was slow and wicked. “Just fine, darlin’. You coming in?”

1-1-1

Amy and Bernadette were both sitting on Penny’s couch when she let herself into her apartment, but she was in too good of a mood to feel irritated about it.

“There you are!” Amy exclaimed, looking unimpressed. “You’re late!”

Penny’s eyes darted to the clock. It was seven thirty four. “Only by four minutes.” She pointed out, not bothering to hide her smile as she remembered what she and Eliot had spent those four extra minutes doing.

Bernadette frowned. “I thought you finished work before six.”

“I did,” Penny said, dropping her keys on the table as she headed for the kitchen. “But then I popped in to see a friend.”

“A friend?” Amy asked suspiciously, standing up and following Penny to the kitchen. “What friend?”

“A sex friend?” Bernadette asked slyly, perching on one of the bar stools.

“Yeah,” Penny admitted, pulling a bowl out of the cupboard. “I guess you could call him that.”

“You’re having sex?!” Amy exclaimed, sounding more than a little judgmental. “But you only just broke up with Leonard.”

“I broke up with Leonard over a week ago.” Penny pointed out, as she poured herself some cereal.

“Really, Penny?” Amy asked, with a frown. “Cereal again?”

Penny rolled her eyes as she turned to the fridge to get milk. “I haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Because you were out screwing some guy.” Bernadette said, before giggling. “Is he hot?”

“Hottest guy I’ve ever slept with.” Penny admitted, as she poured the milk over her cereal.

“Hotter than Zac?” Amy asked in disbelief.

Penny paused in her search for a spoon, to stare at Amy. “Zac wasn’t that hot. He was just my rebound guy.”

“Well, he wasn’t as hot as Howard,” Bernadette conceded. “But he wasn’t exactly ugly.”

Penny rolled her eyes. It was one thing to think your husband was hot, it was another thing to be so delusional to believe everyone else agreed with you. “I’m not saying he was ugly, but he isn’t exactly on my list of the ten hottest guys I’ve slept with.”

Amy shook her head. “Oh, bestie, you’ve led such a privileged life.”

Penny shrugged, as she carried her cereal over to the armchair. Living as a broke, failed actress wasn’t exactly what she would call ‘a privileged life’ but she supposed it was all a matter of perspective.

“So, tell us about this guy!” Bernadette ordered, as she and Amy settled back on the couch.

“What do you want to know?” Penny asked through a mouthful of cereal.

“What’s his name? Bernadette asked.

“How long have you been dating?” Amy added.

“Where did you meet him?”

Penny laughed at their excitement, though she supposed she shouldn’t blame them for wanting to live vicariously through her. Bernadette’s husband was in space and Amy’s boyfriend barely let them hold hands.

“His name is Eliot,” She answered, before taking another spoon of cereal.

“Eliot’s a good name.” Bernadette commented.

“I met him here, in the building,” Penny continued when she had swallowed the cereal. “He’s one of our new neighbors. And we’re not dating. We’re just having sex.”

“Ooo,” Amy exclaimed excitedly. “Sex buddies.”

“Does Leonard know?” Bernadette asked, in a hushed voice.

“Not unless he’s been listening at the door.” Penny answered flatly. “He’s not even trying to be civil.”

“He’s really hurting.” Bernadette defended.

Penny snorted, as she dug her spoon in for more cereal. “Yeah, well, that doesn’t give him the right to call me a bitch. I hoped we could be adults about this whole thing in, but he’s just being a jerk.”

Amy and Bernadette exchanged a glance, but they didn’t say anything as Penny moodily chewed on her cereal. Damn it, her good mood was slipping already.

“Anyway,” Penny forced her smile back. “How are you guys? How’s the gang?”

Bernadette bit her lip. “Howie’s not doing so good. I think all this time in space is getting to him. When I was talking to him earlier he asked me to drop a pen for him. Apparently he’s really missing gravity.”

“Oh.” Penny didn’t know what to say to that. “And how are you holding up?”

Bernadette sighed. “Well, I miss Howie, of course, but mostly I’m just really mad at him!”

“Why?”

Bernadette’s expression twisted angrily. “Did you know that he never told his mother that he was moving out?”

“No,” Penny answered honestly, though she couldn’t say that she was all that surprised. “Does that mean you’re moving in with them?”

“No way in hell.” Bernadette snapped vehemently. “Howard’s just going to have to man up and tell her the truth!”

“Do you think he will?” Penny asked skeptically.

“He will if I withhold sex from him.” Bernadette smirked.

Penny sighed. She’d never understood why women withheld sex from their boyfriends. Surely that just punished them both equally? “And how are you, Amy?”

“Well enough,” Amy answered, matter-of-factly. “My research is going very well. In fact, I’m confident that I will have made a breakthrough by the end of the week.”

Bernadette’s expression lit up. “What sort of breakthrough?”

“Well,” Amy started. “As you know I’ve been conducting a study…”

Penny tuned her out as she turned her attention back to her cereal. No, she didn’t know and, to be honest, she didn’t really care that much. She might have cared if Amy’s research had been on the social and economic ramification of the 13th Amendment (because it turned out that was really interesting), but Amy’s stories always involved squishy brains and monkey poop.

She had a new understanding of why they all enjoyed talking about science though. The things she’d learned in class yesterday about how building of the First Transcontinental Railroad were really interesting, especially when you considered the effect it may have had on the Civil War and the 13th Amendment, and she kind of wanted to have the opportunity to talk to someone about it.

Which seemed completely bizarre. She’d never been that interested in history at high school, or during her first attempt at community college, so why was this time different? And since when had she actually been smart enough to understand what the teacher talked about. Clearly the reading she’d been doing for her assignment was paying off. Twice yesterday the teacher had mentioned something that Penny had already known because of her reading. She really needed to thank Sheldon somehow.

“Penny?” Bernadette’s voice broke through her thoughts. “What are you thinking about?”

“Huh?” Penny forced her brain back to the women who were watching her expectantly. Amy must have finished answered Bernadette’s question already. “Oh, nothing.”

Amy smiled slyly. “You were thinking about Eliot, weren’t you?”

“Sure,” Penny agreed, putting her empty bowl on the floor. It was as good an excuse as any.

“So, when do we get to meet him?” Bernadette asked.

“Uh, never!” Penny said firmly. “We’re not dating, guys, just having some fun.”

Bernadette frowned. “But you really like him, don’t you?”

“I like sleeping with him, and he seems to be a nice enough guy.” Penny acknowledged. “But that doesn’t mean I want anything more serious. I just broke with Leonard a week ago.”

“Do you miss him?” Amy asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“Leonard?” Penny asked, surprised by the question. Though she knew she probably shouldn’t be. “No way. Breaking up with was one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.” Right alongside quitting acting, but she wasn’t ready to share that decision with anyone that yet.

“Really?” Now Bernadette was the one sounding surprised. “Not even a little bit?”

“He pretty much came out and admitted that he was only dating me because I’m hot.”

“Really?” Bernadette asked, while she and Amy shared a look. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was probably just really upset.”

Penny narrowed her eyes at them. “You know there’s no way I’m getting back together with Leonard, right? As in, never, never, never!”

“Yeah, but you said that last time.” Amy pointed out.

“Last time I broke up with Leonard because he was kept wanting more from me than I was willing to give.” Penny explained. “This time I broke up with him because the thought of spending the rest of my life with him filled me with dread. I’m serious. We’re done.”

“But what about us?” Amy asked.

Penny frowned. “What about you?”

Bernadette shifted awkwardly. “It’s just that things have gotten really awkward since you broke up with Leonard. We never hang out together anymore.”

Penny stared at her friends; hurt and anger waring inside her. Weren’t friends supposed to support you when you finally got out of a toxic relationship? They definitely weren’t supposed to complain that your breakup had messed up their lives.

Man, she really wished that she’d invited Parker. At least then she wouldn’t have to be putting up with this kind of nonsense.

1-1-1

“Is sex with Eliot really earth shattering?”

Penny choked on her coffee. “What?” She asked with a croak, before bringing a napkin up to her mouth and trying to cough the coffee out of her lungs.

Parker leaned her elbows on the table. “I’ve all always wondered. He seems to be good, but I’ve never seen him with same person more than once. Is he really that good at sex?”

Penny was still coughing, but she forced herself to stop for a few seconds. “You’ve seen him?” She asked, with a rasp.

“Not having sex,” Parker said, much to Penny’s relief. “But I’ve seen him flirt with lots of women. He’s really good at that.”

Penny wiped her mouth with a napkin, finally feeling as though her lungs were free from coffee. “Yeah, he is.”

“You are too.” Parker said guilelessly.

“When have you seen me flirt?”

“When we played poker. Besides, Eliot doesn’t normally have sex with women who are bad at flirting.”

“I get that.” Penny acknowledged. “I didn’t used to sleep with men who were bad at flirting either. But I wasn’t flirting the night we played poker.”

Parker frowned. “You weren’t?”

“Well, not much,” Penny admitted. She had called sex with Eliot ‘earth shattering’, after all.

“You must be like Sophie,” Parker decided. “She was always flirting too. Especially with Nate.”

“Nate who she married?” Penny asked, remembering something Parker had said a few days earlier. “Parker, you know this thing between me and Eliot isn’t serious, right? We’re not going to start dating or anything.”

“I know,” Parker sighed. “That’s what Eliot said too.”

“Good,” Penny said, it was nice to know she and Eliot were on the same page. “Because I only just got out of a serious relationship.”

“With Leonard.” Parker said, nodding. “He complains a lot.”

Penny frowned, despite herself. “You’ve talked to him?”

“No, but I followed him and the praying mantis guy up the stairs yesterday.”

Penny laughed. “His name is Sheldon. I only told you he looked like a praying mantis so you’d recognise him.”

Parker tilted her head to the side. “I like praying mantis guy better. It’s more fun.”

“Just don’t let him hear you say it,” Penny cautioned. “He gets enough crap from the guys. I don’t want him to feel like we’re all picking on him.”

Parker nodded soberly. “Picking on people is mean.”

“Yeah,” Penny hid a guilty wince. She’d been guilty of picking Sheldon in the past, especially while she’d been dating on Leonard. Sometimes joining Leonard’s teasing had felt like the easiest way to keep him happy. “So, what was Leonard complaining about?”

Parker’s expression scrunched up in concentration. “Something about a box that Sheldon had gotten in the mail.”

“Did Sheldon get another life-sized Spock cut out?” Penny asked, with a grin. She could still remember the rant after they’d sent him the Zachary Quinto version instead of Leonard Nimoy.

“I don’t think so,” Parker said slowly. “There was something about someone called Higgs-Boson and a Nobel Prize.”

“Ah,” Penny winced. She had no idea who Higgs-Boson was (though it did ring a bell), but anything relating to a Nobel prize seemed to get Sheldon worked up. She wondered if she should ask him about it. After all, Leonard was hardly the most supportive friend in the best of times and this definitely wasn’t the best of times. “Anyway, how’s Hardison?”

Parker’s expression lit up with a smile. “Good. He’s trying to convince me to go with him to Spain for a few weeks.”

“You need convincing?” Penny asked sceptically. “A guy wants to take you to Spain, you go to Spain.”

“He’ll want to do boring things.” Parker complained. “Last year we went to Paris and he wouldn’t even let me jump off the Eiffel Tower!”

Penny raised an eyebrow. “You wanted to jump of the Eiffel Tower?”

“Oh,” Parker’s eyes darted to the side. “Uh, base jumping is my hobby.”

“I thought it was skydiving?” Penny asked, remembering something Hardison had said during their poker game.

“I love both of them!” Parker said, a bit too enthusiastically.

“Isn’t the Eiffel Tower too short to base jump off?” Penny asked, trying to imagine it.

“And abseiling!” Parker added loudly.

“Right,” Penny offered her friend an apologetic look. She hadn’t meant to pry. “Sooo, what are you plans for the weekend?”

1-1-1

Penny found herself smiling as she carried her laundry down the last flight of stairs and into the laundry room. As weird as it sounded, she’d been looking forward to this all week. She had never realised how much she enjoyed Sheldon’s company before she and Leonard had broken up, but it was obvious now that she was restricted to only spending time with him on the weekends.

“Hey, Sheldon,” She grinned, putting her laundry basket on the nearest bench and resisting the urge to hug him. “What’s happening?”

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. “We are in the laundry room, Penny, what you think is happening?”

“Smart ass.” Penny rolled her eyes. “How are you?”

Sheldon shot her a cheeky smile that she was coming to realise was the facial expression version of ‘bazinga’. “I am well. Thank you for asking. How is your assignment coming?”

“Great!” Penny said, turning to her laundry basket and beginning to sort her laundry into the piles that Sheldon had already started. “I’ve been reading all week, and I really think I’m starting to understand it. When do I start actually writing the assignment?”

Sheldon’s face twitched as Penny dropped a pink singlet top on his colours pile, but he didn’t say anything. “After you have done all the reading.”

“Right,” Penny acknowledged. “But it’s been like a week and I’ve only finished two books, and it’s due in two and a half weeks.”

Sheldon looked confused. “You’ve only finished two books?”

“Not everyone reads at super-speed, sweetie,” Penny reminded him, trying not to let his comment sting.

“I do not read at a ‘super-speed’.” Sheldon protested, adding a shirt to the whites pile. “Howard Berg reads at a super-speed.”

“Huh?”

“Howard Berg reads twenty five thousand words per minute.” Sheldon explained. “He is considered to be the fastest reader in the world.”

“Twenty five thousand words a minute?” Penny repeated in disbelief. “Is that even possible? How fast do I read? How fast do you read?”

“I only read approximately ten thousand words per minute,” Sheldon admitted, as though admitting a failure.

“Right,” Penny said, that still sounded like a lot. “But what’s the average speed?”

Sheldon added a pair of trousers to one of the piles. “Two hundred words per minute.”

“That’s it?” Penny asked. “That’s hardly any words at all! No wonder it’s taken me all week to read that stupid book. So that would mean that it would take me…” She paused and tried to force her brain to do maths, before giving up. “Sheldon, how long would it take me to read ten thousand words?”

“Presuming that you do, in fact, have an average reading speed?” Sheldon confirmed.

“Unlikely,” Penny grimaced. “But, yeah, why not?”

“It would take you fifty minutes.”

“So I read fifty times slower than you do?” Penny asked. “That’s not fair! You’re the one with all the brains, why can’t I have the fast reading? How fast does Leonard read?”

“I don’t know,” Sheldon admitted. “But I find it unlikely that his natural reading speed would be much faster than yours.”

Penny grinned widely at him. Sheldon might have been off his rocker, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t nice to hear. “Oh, I heard you got a parcel in the mail the other day. Something about Higgs-Boson and Nobel prizes?”

“You know what the Higgs-Boson is?” Sheldon asked, in obvious surprise.

Penny let out a dry laugh. “Sheldon, I didn’t even know that it wasn’t a person.”

“Well,” Sheldon said, his face lighting up as it always did when he was about to talk about physics. “In 1964, Dr Peter Higgs wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs-Boson. Now, initially, the paper was rejected, but recently he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel Prize.”

“Okaay,” Penny drew out, still not seeing what this had to do with a parcel.

“So it got me thinking, what if I’ve already written the paper that will win me the Nobel Prize, but I just didn’t realise it at the time?”

“So you’re looking through all your old papers?”

“Not me, I don’t have the time.” Sheldon pointed out. “So, I’ve hired an assistant to look through them for me.”

“You have an assistant?” Penny asked, she couldn’t imagine ever being in a position to have an assistant.

“I do now,” Sheldon confirmed. “And I must say, that it was a wonderful decision. Not only is Alex looking through my past papers, but she is also looking after the menial tasks that used to distract me from my work. I expect to work much more efficiently now that she is assisting me.”

“She?” Penny asked, with raised eyebrows. “Does Amy know you hired a female assistant?”

“She does.” Sheldon confirmed. “I informed her that I had hired Alex during our scheduled video call after dinner.”

“Okay, but does she know that Alex is a girl?” Penny checked, as she placed her last item of clothing on the appropriate pile.

Sheldon frowned, as he gathered up the pile of white clothes and deposited it into the nearest machine. “I don’t see why that fact would be a relevant one.”

“How would you feel if Amy hired a male assistant?” Penny asked leadingly, following suit with the coloured pile.

Sheldon turned to face Penny. “Why would I feel anything?”

Penny sighed, clearly she needed to try a more obvious angle. “Don’t you ever get jealous when a guy is talking to Amy?”

“No,” Sheldon answered, as though it was a foreign concept.

Penny supposed that was fair enough considering that he had admitted to her that he was only dating Amy to make his mother happy. She couldn’t imagine being jealous of a girl talking to Leonard either.

“Well, Amy gets jealous when you’re talking to another woman. How do you think she will feel if she finds out that you didn’t tell her you had a female assistant?”

“Why would Amy get jealous? We have a relationship agreement.”

“Yeah, well, people aren’t always logical, Sheldon.” Penny pointed out. “Is this Alex hot?”

“She didn’t look over heated.” Sheldon answered evenly, pouring the correct liquids into the machine.

Penny grinned, even as she narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t think I don’t know when you do that on purpose. I know you’re not as oblivious as you pretend to be.”

Sheldon’s ‘bazinga’ smile peeked out. “Yes, I believe that Alex’s features could be considered ascetically pleasing. Leonard and Raj certainly seemed to think so.”

Penny rolled her eyes, as she deposited her knit clothing into the last machine. “Of course they did. I bet they were panting all over her.”

Sheldon let out a breathy laugh. “That is an apt description of their behaviour.”

“Poor Alex.” Penny said with feeling, before refocussing on the important subject. “Look, Sheldon, if you don’t tell Amy that your assistant is a woman then she’s going to get upset.”

Sheldon’s sigh was long-suffering as he started the machine. “Some days I envy you, Penny.”

“You do?” Penny asked absently, trying to remember how much washing liquid to pour into the machine holding her knit clothing.

“You are unencumbered by relationships.”

“Uh, thanks?” Penny grimaced, talk about a backhanded compliment. “Anyway if you like, I can drive you to the university tomorrow. I can start writing my assignment while you work.”

"Will you sit in my chair again?” Sheldon asked suspiciously.

“It’s either that or I sit on your desk.”

Sheldon sighed. “Very well, you may study from my office tomorrow.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “You’re welcome, sweetie.”

1-1-1

Penny resisted the urge to dump all of her clean laundry on her couch and instead trudged the extra dozen or so steps into the bedroom to put it away. She knew, from past experience, that if she didn’t put it away now she’d probably spend the next week rooting around the pile looking for underwear.

Hanging four of her work uniforms in the wardrobe, she found herself staring at one of her favourite clubbing dresses and trying to remember when she had last worn it. She could hardly even remember when she’d last been out to a club. Leonard had never wanted to go, and clubs weren’t exactly Amy and Bernadette’s idea of a girls night out. How sad was it that Saturday nights had become laundry night?

She held the dress in front of her and considered her reflection in the mirror. It was still as cute as she remembered and, with the right heels, would still earn her free drinks. So really, when she thought about it, going out tonight was a financially wise choice - free entertainment.

That being said, Penny wasn’t sure that she wanted to go alone. A night out was always more fun with friends. Pulling out her phone, and scrolling through her contacts Penny considered who she could invite. She didn’t want to take Amy and Bernadette, and it had been months since she’d last seen the girls she used to go out with and she wasn’t sure she wanted to get caught up with them again. She didn’t want to hear about their auditions and acting jobs. So that ruled out Amber, Brianna, Destiny, Jessie, Kelly, and …

She hovered her finger over Parker’s name thoughtfully. Parker didn’t exactly seem like a party girl, but clearly there was more to the other woman than met the eye.

“Hey, Penny,” Parker answered the phone brightly.

“Hey, Parker,” Penny returned. “I’m thinking of heading out to a club to do some drinking and dancing and wondered if you’d be interested in coming?”

“Dancing?” Parker’s voice rose an octave. “Uh, the only time I’ve ever danced was with Hardison and I was dangling from a harness.”

Penny wondered if Parker’s stories would ever stop being weird. “You don’t have to dance. You could sit at the table and guard our drinks if you wanted?”

“Um,” Parker started, before being cut off by Hardison whose voice was too muffled for Penny to hear what he was saying.

There was a pause, and then Eliot’s muffled voice could be heard as well.

I’m not sure, I’ll ask.” Parker said, clearly not having removed the phone from her mouth while the others were talking. “Penny, would it be okay if Hardison and Eliot came?”

“Of course,” Penny answered quickly. It wouldn’t quite be the night she had been imagining with the guys in tow, but at least then she would know who she was going home with. Presuming that Eliot didn’t pick up another woman - it wasn’t as though they were exclusive or anything and the man was certainly not lacking in game. Which was fine since Penny had never struggled in that area either.

“Oh great,” Parker sounded much more comfortable with the idea. “Shall we come get you on our way downstairs? Eliot says he’ll drive.”

“Sounds good.” Penny agreed, before glancing at the time. “Shall we leave in about an hour?”

“See you then.” Parker agreed, hanging up the call.

Dropping her phone on the bed, Penny held the dress up against herself and again and smiled. It was going to be a good night.

10-10-10

Penny couldn’t remember the last time she had looked this good and Eliot and Hardison’s expressions when they saw her soothed any concerns she had that she might have been out of the game for too long. Parker looked incredible too in a small red cocktail dress that had Penny wishing she had one like it.

Eliot’s car was equally as hot, a Chevrolet Camaro SS with leather seats that had Penny wishing they were alone so they could start the party early. The soft leather felt amazing against the backs of her thighs and Penny had to resist the urge to slide in her seat to enjoy the sensation more.

“I think I liked your old car better.” Parker commented, from where she and Hardison were sitting in the back. “It didn’t make as much noise.”

“Take it up with Hardison, Parker.” Eliot grumbled. “It’s his fault I’m not driving my Challenger.”

“You had a Challenger?” Penny asked. “Nice. What did Hardison do to it?”

“Just because Nate isn’t here to blame doesn’t make it all my fault.” Hardison whined. “Besides, it isn’t as if I crashed it or anything. It’s safe in a storage container, along with everything else.”

“Cars are made for driving.” Eliot grumbled. “They sit idle for too long and the engine starts to seize up. I should make you oil every inch of the engine.”

“Oh please,” Hardison retorted. “You wouldn’t let me touch that car any more than I’d let you touch my babies.”

“He means his computers.” Parker explain, clearly for Penny’s benefit. “Hardison’s computers are very important to him. He gets tetchy if you touch them.”

“Tetchy?” Hardison repeated, his tone rising. “I don’t get tetchy. Old ladies get tetchy, I get manfully annoyed.”

“You get tetchy.” Eliot said.

“No more tetchy than you get when someone touches your knives.” Hardison retorted.

“You used them to cut open a parcel! Do you know what happens to knives when you use them to cut things like that, Hardison? They get blunt!”

“What did you expect leaving them in our apartment?”

“That you’d be a responsible adult and use a box cutter and not my Saji knives!”

“It was urgent!” Hardison defended. “We needed those high definition cameras to be calibrated before we left for Nevada.”

“Hey!” Parker’s voice broke through the bickering. “Penny’s here. Sorry, Penny, they do that a lot.”

“I don’t mind.” Penny said, if anything it was entertaining. There was a bit of an awkward pause, so she repeated her earlier question. “You had a Challenger, Eliot? That’s a nice car.”

“Yes, it is.” Eliot agreed, narrowing his eyes at Hardison in the rear-vision mirror.

“This is a nice car too.” Penny added quickly, before they could start bickering again. “I really like the leather seats.”

“It’s nice how soft they are, isn’t it?” Parker agreed. “Hardison and I …”

“Parker, if you and Hardison had sex in my car I will throw you out right now.” Eliot threatened.

“Of course not.” Hardison said quickly, and obviously untruthfully.

“Hardison.” Eliot growled. “Damn it! Now I’m going to have to get a new car. No, you’re going to get me a new car.”

“Why don’t you and Penny just christen it and replace our christening?” Parker asked, sounding too innocent given the subject of the conversation.

“I’d be up for that.” Penny joked, mostly to deflect her new friend from Eliot’s anger - justified though it might be.

Eliot’s warm hand came to rest on Penny’s thigh, his calluses scrapping delightfully against her skin. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

10-10-10

The club was dark and loud and Penny smiled as the atmosphere soaked through her skin. She’s really missed this.

She led Parker, Eliot and Hardison through the crowd and toward a free table and then, taking in Parker and Hardison’s wide-eyed expressions, left them there to acclimatise while she got them all drinks.

It was always harder to wrangle free drinks when she was ordering for more than just one, but a bit of cleavage, giggling, a hand on a few arms, and a promise of a dance earned her four drinks to take back to her friends.

“Thank you.” Hardison shouted over the noise as Penny slid his drink across to him. “How much do we owe you?”

“Nothing.” Penny shouted back, throwing back her drink before heading back to bar to follow through on her promise of a dance.

The dance floor was hot and sweaty, and her dance partner was definitely a bit more gropy than she prefered, but it felt great to throw herself into dancing and forget everything else happening in her life. There was nothing like the adrenaline rush that came from losing herself in the music.

After a few songs, she headed back to the bar for another set of drinks (these ones were almost too easy to score) and then carried them back to her the table where the others were still sitting on the high stools.

“It’s so loud.” Parker commented, her voice barely loud enough to be heard over the noise.

“Yeah,” Penny agreed, sliding a new drink across to her. “You get used to it though.”

“How much do we owe you for the drinks?” Hardison asked again, pulling cash out of his pocket.

“Nothing,” Penny answered. “They were free.”

Hardison’s expression was skeptical. “They just gave you eight drinks?”

“It’s amazing what men will do if you flirt with them.” Penny explained, shrugging a shoulder.

Parker and Hardison exchanged a wide-eyed look that seemed to hold more meaning that Penny could interpret.

“You’re like Sophie.” Parker exclaimed. “She can make people do things too.”

“Eh,” Penny shrugged again. “It’s not that complicated. Everyone wants something, you just have to figure out what that is.”

“And then use it to leverage them.” Parker concluded.

“Uh,” Penny laughed at her odd wording. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”

“No, Parker.” Eliot said shortly. “Drink your cocktail.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Parker rolled her eyes but leaned forward to sip at the cosmopolitan in front of her.

10-10-10

It took the whole of Sunday, and then almost every free moment she had, but Penny managed to get her assignment written and submitted on time. It had been a bit of stretch to make the word-count (thankfully her ‘Assignments for Dummies’ book had taught her that she only had to write 90% of the word-count), but she’d done it.

Which called for celebration. So, after picking herself up some celebratory pizza, she’d come up with the idea to invite Amy and Bernadette over for a girls night. She hadn’t seen much of them over the last few weeks, so it might be nice to drink some wine, eat some chocolate, and talk about what was happening in their friend group.

But, as she crossed the landing to her apartment and heard Bernadette and Amy laughing from inside Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment, Penny remembered that she wasn’t even sure the group was still her friends. Sheldon definitely was, and Amy and Bernadette claimed to be; but there was no doubt that Leonard had gotten their friend group in the breakup.

Which sucked but, given that Leonard clearly wasn’t capable of being a reasonable adult, she supposed it was fair enough. After all, most of them had been his friends first.

Letting herself into her apartment, Penny dropped her keys on the side table and collapsed on the couch tiredly. She was tempted to call Parker to see if they were keen to hang out, but she was feeling a bit awkward after the somewhat unsuccessful outing to the club (none of them had seemed to enjoy the experience at all - though at least she’d been able to help Eliot christen his car).

Flicking open the pizza box, Penny grabbed a slice and took a large bite. How typical that her celebratory evening had turned into a pity party.

She was halfway through her second slice, and well on her way to giving in and opening the last bottle of wine she had in her cupboard, when her phone chimed with a new message from Parker.

‘Hey Penny, do you want to come upstairs and play poker?’

‘Just normal poker, Eliot is still refusing to play strip poker with us.’

‘Eliot says he’s cooking dinner.’

‘For all of us.’

‘Including you.’

Penny huffed out a laugh, immediately feeling her mood improve.

The poker table was already set up when Penny was ushered in by an enthusiastic Parker.

“Hi!” Parker chirped, shoving a beer in Penny’s face. “Eliot’s making steak.”

“That sounds amazing!” Penny answered, pausing in the middle of the room to enjoy the sight of Eliot in a muscle-back, with his hair up in a bandanna, cutting something so fast that the knife was a blur.

“Hi Penny,” Hardison said absently, his attention on the computer he was sitting in front of. “Don’t bother trying to give Eliot instructions about your steak, he has opinions.”

“Over-done is what people say when the steak is cooked poorly, not an instruction.” Eliot retorted grumpily from the kitchen.

Penny moved across the room to perch on one of the bar stools and leaned against the bench so she could watch Eliot cook. “I’m with Eliot. Anything past medium rare is a waste of a good piece of meat.”

“I’m surrounded by savages.” Hardison complained, clicking his computer mouse repeatedly.

“Are you playing Age of Conan?” Penny asked, drinking a mouthful of beer as she tried to remember if there had been savages in the game.

“He’s playing World of Warcraft.” Parker answered, as Hardison leaned towards the computer continuing to the click the mouse furiously. “It’s pretty much the same thing. But I think he was talking about us. He always accuses me and Eliot of being savages because like our red meat to bleed.”

“That’s how you know it was alive.” Penny agreed. “If it’s not bleeding you might as well be eating rubber.”

“I used to eat my meat like that.” Parker confided, as though it was a secret. “But Eliot’s been teaching me how to enjoy food.”

Penny smiled, Parker and Eliot’s friendship was as sweet as their whole situation was confusing. “Well, I’m keen to learn from a good teacher.”

Eliot smirked from his position next to the stove. “Any time, darlin’, any time.”

“Yes!!!” Hardison yelled suddenly, standing up with his fists in the air. “Take that you stupid ogre!” Then he turned around and pointed a finger at Parker. “And you, World of Warcraft is nothing like Age of Conan - get those words out of your mouth. And you,” the finger moved to point at Penny. “You are a savage! Why would you want to remember that your steak was alive - we cook it to forget! And you,” the finger moved again, this time accompanied by a glare at Eliot. “Keep your dirty flirting out of my apartment!”

Eliot crossed his arms over his chest, looking unimpressed. “So I have to hear about every time you and Parker have sex, but you can’t handle my flirting?”

“We don’t tell you about every time.” Hardison protested.

“Yeah,” Parker agreed. “We didn’t tell you about how we had sex on the kitchen bench a few hours ago.”

Eliot’s gaze shifted to the bench where four steaks were resting on a wooden board. “Damn it, Hardison!”

“Why are you blaming me? Parker started it.” Hardison smirked. “I just finished it.”

“I’ll finish you!” Eliot threatened, pointing a knife in Hardison’s direction.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Hardison rolled his eyes. “You’re a big scary hitter. You could kill me with that knife. I know the drill.”

Eliot’s expression darkened as he took a step forward. “I’ll show you the drill.”

Penny grinned, Eliot and Hardison’s bickering was always so amusing. “They really are always like this, aren’t they?” she asked Parker in a low voice as Hardison took a large step backwards and started trying to deescalate the situation.

1-1-1

“I submitted my assignment, Sheldon.” Penny announced as she joined him in the laundry room. “It is done and dusted.”

Sheldon gave her a small nod of approval. “I presumed that would be the case given that it was due on Wednesday evening.”

“I think you mean ‘congratulations, Penny’.”

“We won’t know if congratulations are in order until you receive your grade.” Sheldon pointed out. “To congratulate you now would be both premature and ill-advised. For all I know your assignment is terrible and worthy of condemnation rather than congratulations.”

Penny held up a hand to stop him. “Okay, let’s get a few things straight. I just submitted the first assignment that I actually put effort into since like the fifth grade. That alone deserves congratulations. And secondly, I know you’ve probably never received a grade lower than an A+ plus in your life, but I’ll be happy if I just pass. So if I get a C+, or a B or whatever, I need you to at least pretend to be happy for me. Okay?”

“A C+?” Sheldon grimaced.

“Cs get degrees, Sheldon.”

“Not good ones they don’t.” Sheldon muttered, returning his attention to his laundry. “Besides, I have too receive a grade lower than an A+. Not that it is something that I am proud of.”

Penny started sorting through her laundry to separate the ‘delicate item’s as Sheldon called them before she could add her clothes to his piles. “Let me guess, in gym?”

“I don’t recognise gym as a school subject. It is simply a compulsory extra-curricular subject.” Sheldon said stiffly. “Therefore, it does not count.”

Penny grinned. “Aw, sweetie, did you fail gym?”

“You can’t fail at an extra-curricular subject.” Sheldon insisted stubbornly.

“Alright, fine. Tell me about this terrible grade you once received.”

“It was in English.” Sheldon said, with a small shudder. “We were told you write a paper on the interpretation of a poem.”

“What poem?” Penny asked, wondering if they’d studied the same one. English had been one of the few subjects that she’d actually managed to get a grade higher than a C.

“The Mending Wall.” Sheldon said glumly. “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall, That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it, And spills the upper boulders in the sun; And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.”

Penny perked up. “Oh, I think I remember that one. We had the same assignment.”

“Well, apparently my interpretation was lacking in imagination.” Sheldon said, a hint of anger in his voice. “It didn’t matter that I had researched what the author had said about the poem, or how literary professors had interpreted it. All that mattered was that Ms. MacElroy didn’t think I’d used my imagination. As if imagination is a skill to be graded on. You have no idea how difficult it is to be smarter than all your teachers, Penny.”

“You’re right, I really don’t.” Penny agreed, starting to add her laundry to Sheldon’s piles.

“Thankfully I began attending college several weeks later and so was never subjected to Ms. McElroy’s ill-educated marking again.” Sheldon finished his story. “My superior intellect was much more appreciated in college, though admittedly not by the other students.”

Penny could understand that. Taking a college class was hard enough without having a teenaged genius in the room showing her up. “Oh, hey, how is it going with your assistant Alex? Did you tell Amy about her?”

“I did.” Sheldon shot Penny a grumpy look. “You were right. She was upset.”

“What did she say?”

“She told me I should fire Alex and get a new assistant.” Sheldon said. “Which is ridiculous. I’m hardly going to attempt to have coitus with her. I don’t even want to have coitus with Amy. My girlfriend.”

“Yeah, well, people are ridiculous sometimes.” Penny said. “What are you going to do.”

“There’s nothing to do.” Sheldon said grumpily. “Alex resigned from the position yesterday, without notice. Which is a clear violation of her employment agreement.”

“Did she say why?” Penny asked curiously, she could imagine a number of reasons why a sane person wouldn’t want to work for Sheldon.

“Apparently Leonard’s failed attempts to seduced her had created an ‘unbearable work environment’.” Sheldon answered, turning to glare at Penny. “The blame for which I lie entirely at your feet.”

“What did I do?” Penny protested. “I’m not responsible for Leonard’s choices.”

“This wouldn’t have happened if he was still directing all of his misguided lust in your direction.”

Penny winced, remembering the days she had spent warding off and eventually giving into Leonard’s constant attempts to get her into bed. Honestly, what had she been thinking?

1-1-1

Penny gasped for air as she landed on the mat for what felt like the hundredth time in the last twenty minutes. “Pause, time out. I’m tapping out.”

Eliot looked unimpressed, his arms crossed over his chest as he peered down at her. “One more. Look at Parker, she’s fine.”

Rolling over onto her back, Penny looked across the mat to where Parker and Hardison were looking remarkably unaffected as they sparred against each other. Well, Parker was looking unaffected, Hardison less so.

“Yeah, well, no one is throwing Parker around.” She retorted. “Hardison can barely get a hand on her.”

“Because Parker has been practicing.” Eliot said firmly. “Come on, up. One more.”

“You said that ten times ago.” Penny groaned, pulling herself back to her feet and raising her hands the way Eliot had taught her. “You know, when you said, mph!”

She stared up at the ceiling. “No fair, I wasn’t ready.”

“Focus.” Eliot chided, offering her a hand so she could get back on her feet.

Penny resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “As I was saying,” She said, stepping back from Eliot. “When you suggested that I come and work out with you guys, I thought we’d be running in the park or whatever. Not this.”

“Running is only helpful if the guy chasing you doesn’t have a gun and you can run faster than him.” Eliot said seriously. “You’re better off incapacitating him.”

“I have pepper spray.” Penny pointed out, raising her hands and moving back into Eliot’s range. She blocked his first strike, and then his second, dodged away from his third and almost landed a hand on his arm before finding herself on the floor again.

“Better,” Eliot said approvingly. “People can build a tolerance to pepperspray, or just push through the effects if they’re determined enough.”

“Well, that’s a terrifying though.” Penny commented, slowly pulling herself back to her feet. “What am I doing wrong?”

“Fighting Eliot.” Hardison answered from behind her, humour in his tone. “That’s always a bad call. I’ve never seen him lose a fight, and most of the time he’s up against multiple guys.”

Penny eyed Eliot in a new appreciation. “That’s hot.”

“Oh, he knows.” Hardison said, as Eliot smirked. “Trust me, Eliot’s really not lacking in the self-esteem department.”

“Yeah, like you’re crippled by self-doubt.” Eliot retorted grumpily. “Why are you over here, anyway? Get back to work, Hardison.”

“I’m bored.” Parker complained, moving to stand beside her boyfriend. “Fighting Hardison is like breaking into a bank, it’s so easy.”

“Wh-you-I,” Hardison spluttered. “You haven’t even put me on the ground once.”

Penny blinked as, within two seconds, Parker had somehow managed to put him on the floor. That was … wow.

“Only because you’re a big baby.” Parker said, standing over her boyfriend who gasping on the floor.

“I think you broke my arm and my knee,” Hardison moaned.

Parker rolled her eyes. “Like I said, a big baby.”

Eliot was grinning. “Nice, Parker. Next time make sure you hook his knee better. Someone with actual skill could have resisted that.”

“Next time!” Hardison spluttered, pulling himself upright with a fair amount of groaning. “Oh no, there won’t be a next time. I’m out, done. That’s enough humiliation for the day.”

“You have no commitment, Hardison. No resilience.” Eliot told him. “This is why Parker can clean the floor with you.”

“I’m a hacker!” Hardison retorted. “My job is to sit behind a computer and hack. Not take down guys twice my size.”

“Or girls half your size apparently.” Penny quipped, ignoring the nervous looks Eliot and Parker had both shot her at Hardison’s confession. She was getting pretty good at ignoring their weird comments at this point.

1-1-1

“Alright, good work everyone. Come gather round for a minute.”

Penny joined the rest her acting class as they moved to stand around Angela, their instructor with a sigh. She just wanted the class to be over so she could leave. Any enjoyment that she’d once found in acting had disappeared once she’d made the decision to quit and instead her acting class had become a reminder of how long she had wasted following a pointless dream.

She couldn’t even remember when she’d last actually enjoyed acting. It had been long before she’d actually quit. Years even. Why had she persisted for so long at something that she didn’t enjoy and, according to Sheldon and every casting agent in LA, wasn’t actually good at?

“As you know, this was our last practice.” Angela told the group, smiling encouragingly. “Next week we will be performing this play in the theatre we practiced in last week, so make sure you bring your friends and family. Ticket sales will be at the door and are only twenty dollars each.”

“I want you to know that I’m proud of all of you. You’ve all worked hard in preparation for this and I, for one, am very impressed at how far you’ve come. I’ve invited a few of my friends who are casting directors to the production next week, so make sure that you bring you A-game. I’ll see you all next week. Five thirty, sharp.”

Penny sighed as the students around her buzzed excitedly at the news. She’d been like them once. Convinced that all she needed was the right opportunity to get her big break. Now she just wanted the whole thing to be over.

“How are you going, Penny?” Angela asked, coming to stand in front of her.

“I’m fine.” Penny said, pasting a smile of her face. “Looking forward to next week.”

“It’s always a good feeling to be able to show our friends and family what we’ve been working so hard on, isn’t it?”

Penny hummed noncommittedly, she wasn’t planning on inviting anyone to attend. She hadn’t actually invited any of her friends to a production since she’d found our that Sheldon and Leonard had lied to try and get out of seeing her in Rent.

“Is everything okay with you, Penny?” Angela asked compassionately. “You haven’t seemed like yourself the last few weeks.”

“I’m fine.” Penny said again. “I’m just, well, I’ve decided to quit acting. Next week will be my last class and then I’m done.”

“Oh, sweetie, why?”

“Because I’m clearly no good at it,” Penny answered. “I’ve been at this for over six years and I’ve gotten a total of three jobs, none of them even half-way decent.”

“Of course you’re good.” Angela assured her. “Sometimes it just takes time, that’s all. Don’t give in now. Not after all the effort you’ve put into it.”

Penny resisted the urge to roll her eyes. In the past her desperation would have had her gratefully grasping hold of the encouragement, but this time she could hear the false sincerity in Angela’s tone. She just didn’t want to lose a student.

1-1-1

“Bestie?!” Amy’s voice followed a series of knocks on her door. “Are you in there?”

Penny sighed as she looked up from her half-polished toenails. If she stood up now she would definitely smudge the progress she had made.

“It’s open.”

The door opened to reveal Amy in one of her strange frumpy outfits, honestly, where did she even find clothes that boring?

“Hi, Amy.” Penny greeted with false enthusiasm. “What’s up?”

Amy turned to call over her shoulder. “Bernadette, she is home.” Then she turned back to stride into Penny’s apartment. “I haven’t seen you in weeks!”

“Of course you have,” Penny protested, carefully applying polish to her next toe. “You saw me yesterday at the Cheesecake Factory.”

“I saw waitress-Penny yesterday,” Amy conceded. “I haven’t seen bestie-Penny for twelve days.”

“It can’t have been that long,” Penny protested, returning to her seat on the couch. Except, now that she thought about it, it had been a while. She’d just been busy with work, and acting class, and sex with Eliot, and hanging out with Parker, Eliot, and Hardison, so she hadn’t noticed.

“But it is that long.” Amy retorted. “The last time I saw you was for a girls night here, at your place, the week after you broke up with Leonard. It was a Thursday. It is now a Tuesday almost two weeks after that date. Twelve days.”

“Wow, time goes fast.” Penny said, as Bernadette arrived and closed the door behind her. “Hey, Bernadette.”

“Hey, Penny,” Bernadette said, perching herself on her usual chair. “It’s good to see you. It feels like we haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Twelve days.” Amy clarified.

“Yeah, I guess it has been a while,” Penny agreed. “How are you guys?”

“Oh, we’re fine.” Amy answered quickly. “Bernadette is still pining after Howard, but her sadness is countered by her anger that he still hasn’t told his mother that he’s moving out. And my research with monkeys is producing consistent results confirming my hypothesis.”

“That’s great.” Penny said, glancing at Bernadette to see if her friend agreed with Amy’s concise summary.

“I still do miss Howie,” Bernadette clarified. “But if I let myself miss him too much then I’ll be so relieved when he’s home that I won’t be able to go through with withholding sex until he tells his mother.”

“Oh,” Penny wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“Where have you been?” Amy asked. “We never see you anymore.”

Penny sighed. “What do you expect me to do? I can’t exactly keep having dinner with you guys. Leonard still glares at me the whole time you’re at the Cheesecake Factory.” Well, except for the night before when he’d ordered a milkshake and an icecream sundae out of a weird kind of spite and then spent half an hour in the toilet. It had been pretty funny.

“We know,” Bernadette agreed. “But you’re never home when we come over to see you afterwards.”

“I’m not out that often. Only, like, three or four nights a week.” Penny explained. “Besides, what did you expect me to do? Sit at home by myself waiting for you to finish hanging with my ex-boyfriend?”

From the looks on their faces, that was exactly what they had expected.

Penny sighed. “You know I actually have other friends, right?”

“But not other best friends.” Amy said quickly. “I’m your best friend. You can’t have more than one best friend.”

“What have you been doing?” Bernadette asked, thankfully sounding more curious than judgmental.

“Well, I’ve been working,” Penny started, trying to figure out what she wanted to share. “And I’ve gone out dancing with some friends. I had dinner with friends a few times. Just normal life stuff, really.”

“Are you still seeing your neighbour?” Bernadette asked slyly. “You know, the hot one?”

“Oh, Eliot?” Penny asked, more to stall than out of any genuine confusion. If she said yes then they would probably tell Leonard and it there was a good chance that it would become a drama. But, given that she had spent five out of the last seven nights in bed with him, denying it felt like a sure way to get caught in a lie. “Yeah, now and then.”

“Oooh,” Bernadette practically bounced on her chair. “Is it getting serious?”

“Of course not.” Amy answered confidently. “She just broke up with Leonard. She’s just using him to get through the pain.”

Penny resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She wasn’t in pain, if anything she’d had more fun in the last two weeks than she had in months. And, as unexpected as it was, it had been getting kind of serious. Maybe. They were definitely spending a lot of non-sex time together, and not all of it was with Parker and Hardison.

“What about your other neighbour?” Amy asked, jealously colouring her tone. “The tiny person who you invited to girls night that time? Have you been spending time with her?”

“I see Parker sometimes,” Penny said casually. “We do live in the same building. Anyway, how is everyone? Bernadette, did Amy say that Howard is back in a few weeks?”

1-1-1

Penny wasn’t sure how her friends-with-benefits relationship with Eliot went from spontaneous booty-calls to what could only be described as dates, but she was pretty sure that it was Parker’s fault. The four of them had been spending a lot of time together and, eating meals and playing poker together regularly had gradually changed the nature of her and Eliot’s no strings relationship.

Not that she was complaining. Eliot was as good a date as he was a sex partner, and that was without taking into the account the gourmet meals he kept cooking for her.

“This looks amazing.” She exclaimed, as Eliot placed one of the fanciest meals she had ever seen in front of her. It looked like it should be on Masterchef or something. “How did you even make this?”

“Parker still won’t let me work.” Eliot grumbled, settling down on the opposite side of her small dining room table. “So I’ve had time to practice.”

“But your ribs are fine.” Penny said. “There is no way we could have done what we’d done last night if your ribs were still broken.”

“You should tell her that,” Eliot said, spearing a carrot with his fork. “She’s determined to wait the full month until our next job. She won’t even let me help with the prep-work.”

“I will.” Penny promised. “I’m having coffee with her tomorrow.”

Eliot’s mouth curved into a smile. “Huh, Parker going out for coffee. I never thought I’d see the day.”

Penny smiled. “I did I have to reassure her the first time that she was allowed to drink hot chocolate. She seemed worried that there was a rule or something.”

“Parker is,” Eliot paused consideringly. “She’s had a different life than most people. But she’s a quick learner, if she thinks it is worth learning.”

“Learning is always easier if you see the benefit in it. I, uh,” Penny swallowed nervously. “I never went to college.”

“Neither. Never saw any point in it.” Eliot agreed. “I mean, not even Hardison went to college and he’s better with computers than any company’s IT department.”

“Hardison didn’t go to college?” Penny asked in disbelief. She wondered how the boys would take knowing that not everyone who was smart went to college. She shook her head, that wasn’t the point. “I’ve been taking a community college paper. It’s just history, and it’s more of a trial than anything, but I got my first assignment back today and I got an B.”

“Nice.” Eliot said, nodding encouragingly. “You enjoying it?”

“Yeah, I really am.” Penny answered, smiling in relief at having let someone other than Sheldon into the secret. “I wasn’t great at highschool, you know? Well, I was a great cheerleader, but not so much with the actual learning stuff. It’s nice to realise that I’m not actually stupid.”

Eliot leaned back with a frown. “Of course you’re not stupid. You think a stupid person could clean us out at poker night every single time? Or flirted her way to those free drinks?”

“Well, I know a bunch of smart people who couldn’t flirt their way to water if they were one of only two people left of earth.” Penny retorted. “So I’m not sure that counts.”

“Eh,” Eliot shrugged. “I know the type. Smart with their brain, useless at everything else. The way I see it, I’m better off being useless at maths but capable of actually fixing a car.”

Penny smiled widely, where had Eliot been the last few years when she’d been feeling dumb as a bag of rocks. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me for noticing how smart you are, darlin’. It’s not like I’m thanking you for noticing how hot I am.”

“True,” Penny admitted, running her eyes over his shoulders and arms. “But maybe you should.”

“Oh, you think so? Well, I’m sure I can figure something out.” Eliot’s eyes sparkled. “Dinner first though. I spent too much time on these damn glazed yams to let it go cold.”

1-1-1

Penny only had a half shift on Friday so, enjoying the freedom that came from not being restricted by Sheldon’s schedule, she’d made plans to go out for dinner and a movie with Parker, Eliot, and Hardison after work. Of course, she still had to go home first, because there was no way she was going out to dinner in her work uniform, and then her shift had ended up going long (because apparently Gina didn’t know how to read the time) so Penny found herself practically running down the stairs to try and make it to the restaurant in time to actually order.

The sound of voices coming up the stairs had her slowing down so she didn’t hit someone, but when her recognition of Leonard’s voice filtered into her brain she kind of wished she hadn’t. Racing past Leonard felt like a much preferable option than whatever confrontation was about to take place.

Straightening her dress, Penny stepped onto the landing and offered Sheldon and Leonard a smile. “Hey, guys.”

“Good afternoon, Penny,” Sheldon said formally. “How are you?”

Leonard’s expression could have curdled milk. “I guess you’re off to find another man to sleep with since apparently that’s all you’re doing these days.”

Penny gritted her teeth, she knew telling Amy and Bernadette that she was still sleeping with Eliot was a mistake. “Off to the movies with friends actually.”

“Oh, you have those?” Leonard asked. “Do they know what a slut you are?”

“I’m fine, thank you, Sheldon.” Penny said, deciding to ignore Leonard. “How are you?”

“Uncomfortable.” Sheldon answered, his gaze darting between her and Leonard. “I’ll see you upstairs, Leonard.” He said, hoisting his satchel further up his shoulder and swiftly moving past Penny up the stairs behind her.

Penny couldn’t blame him. She didn’t want to be part of this conversation either.

“Even Sheldon can’t stand you.” Leonard accused. “You’re just poison, Penny, poison!”

“Sheldon doesn’t like anyone,” Penny retorted, glad that her and Sheldon’s laundry-room hang outs were still a secret. “And don’t act like this is all my fault. Yes, I broke up with you. Yes, that sucks, but you don’t need to keep making everyone’s life miserable. It was three weeks ago. Move on.”

Leonard puffed himself up in fury. “Like you have? With Eliot?”

“Oh, like you would have done any different if you could manage to convince a woman to sleep with you.” Penny snapped back. “I’ve heard all about your failed attempts to flirt with Sheldon’s assistant.”

“Yeah, well, at least I’m smart enough to be at the university to meet Sheldon’s assistant.” Leonard retorted. “You had to pick up your guy in the apartment building. I guess I should be surprised that you didn’t just throw yourself at one of the men fixing the elevator, but maybe they’re too smart for you too. After all, they have to know how to count.”

Penny swallowed, refusing to let her hurt show on her expression. “Screw you!” She snapped, before attempting to move past him and down the stairs.

Leonard gripped her left arm as she tried to move past him. “You don’t get to just walk away from me.”

“Let me go, Leonard.” Penny said quietly, her jaw tight with fury.

“Or what?” Leonard asked sarcastically. “You’ll go all Nebraska on my ass? Like you could, the only physical activity you do is one your back.”

Penny clenched and then unclenched her fist in anger, before yanking her arm lose. She refused to give Leonard the satisfaction of provoking her to violence. “You’ve got to move past this, Leonard.” She said, continuing her way past him. “Don’t be this guy.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t be so much of a bitch.” Leonard called after angrily.

Penny ignored him, already halfway down the next set of stairs, as she worked to convince herself not to run back up the stairs and put a fist in his nose. Who knew that Leonard would turn into such a jerk?

1-1-1

On Saturday night, Penny made her way down to the laundry room with a degree of trepidation. She’d been enjoying her weekly hang out with Sheldon and, weirdly, he had become one of the most encouraging friends she had, but this would be the first time she’d seen him since her and Leonard’s conversation on the stairs if you could call it that) and the first time she’d talked to him since she’d gotten her grade back. Somehow she doubted that Sheldon would consider a B grade to be a good thing.

“Good evening, Penny,” Sheldon greeted her, already partway through sorting his laundry. “You’re late.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “Hello to you too, Sheldon. I can’t be late, we haven’t actually set a time.”

“Laundry night is Saturday at eight o’clock,” Sheldon reminded her firmly. “Not eight o’ seven.”

Penny sighed, it wasn’t as if she could argue with that. At this point in their friendship she knew Sheldon’s schedule as well as she did her shift schedule. “You’re right, I’m sorry for being late. I was, uh, distracted by something else.”

“You were having coitus with the new neighbour.” Sheldon concluded with a frown.

“Why is everyone so obsessed with my sex life?” Penny asked rhetorically, dropping her basket on an empty drier. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I know people fighting makes you uncomfortable.”

“I don’t know why you’re sorry. You weren’t the one to escalate the situation. Though I suppose it was your decision that led us down this chain of events, so it could be argued that you at least partially culpable for every resulting consequence.”

“Uh, no,” Penny said, more than a little proud of herself for actually having understood that. “That’s like saying, um, that, uh, oh, that since your mother chose to give birth to you, she gets the credit for anything you do, including any Nobel Prize you might win one day.”

“Huh,” Sheldon looked off into thin air for a few seconds. “I had not considered that. Well argued, Penny. You are in no way responsible for any of Leonard’s actions.”

“Exactly,” Penny nodded firmly. “But I’m still sorry. I’m guessing Leonard was pretty mad when he got back to the apartment.”

“He threw his Wonder Woman action figure against the wall.”

Penny winced. “Really mad then. Anyway, enough about Leonard, I have some news, I got my grade back for my assignment. But before I tell you, I want to remind you what we talked about last week.”

“You don’t need to remind me, Penny. I have eidetic memory. I have to pretend to be happy for you if you get a C+ or a B, or whatever.” Sheldon said dutifully.

“Exactly,” Penny said, not exactly feeling reassured. “I’m really happy about this grade, okay, Sheldon. It’s a lot better than I thought I’d do.”

“I will pretend to be happy for you.” Sheldon promised.

Penny sighed, she supposed that was as good as it was going to get. “Okay, I got a B.”

“A B,? That’s wonderful!” Sheldon exclaimed, his uplifting tone obviously fake and strangely high-pitched. “Well done, Penny. I’m proud of you.”

Penny narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you copying your mother?”

Sheldon nodded. “That is what my mother used to say to Missy whenever she passed something.”

Penny chuckled. “Fair enough. Thanks, Sheldon.”

“You’re welcome.

“So, uh, when do I start on the next assignment?” Penny asked, pulling the assignment sheet out of her pocket and offering it to Sheldon.

Sheldon jerked his head towards the empty bench beside her basket. “Laundry first, then we can look at the assignment sheet. And you should have started the second assignment as soon as you had submitted the first one.”

“Really?” Penny sighed, that meant she was behind again. “Okay. Are you free to go to the University again tomorrow?”

“I am.” Sheldon confirmed. “Are you willing to spend the afternoon there while I work again?”

“I am.”

1-1-1

“Penny,” Eliot’s voice gently broke through Penny’s sleep. “You need to get up.”

“Wh’time isit?” Penny mumbled, snuggling closer to the heat source beside her.

“Eight thirty.” Eliot answered. “You said you had a shift at ten?”

“Oh, yeah. What happened to my alarm?”

“We must have knocked your phone off the cabinet last night,” Eliot answered, his tone smug. Which to be fair, was well deserved. He had definitely brought his A game. “It’s smashed.”

“Oh crap,” Penny groaned. She supposed it was a good thing she’d picked up more shifts at the cheesecake factory, even if she had been hoping to save up for a new car.

“I’m making breakfast.”

Penny cracked open her eyes to peer up at him. “And coffee?”

“I thought I’d wait to start on that until you were in the shower.” Eliot said, like the perfect boyfriend he was. Or non-boyfriend. Whatever they were.

“Alright,” Penny said, levering herself up into a sitting position. “I’m up.”

“I’ll be in the kitchen.” Eliot said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head.

One shower later and Penny was feeling much more capable of taking on the world. Though she was still bummed about the cellphone. She rushed through her hair and makeup routine (though not so fast as to do a bad job), and then followed the smell of coffee into the living area.

“Good morning,” She said, offering Eliot a freshly minty morning kiss. “This is a great way to wake up on a Monday.”

“Here.” Eliot passed her a cup of coffee. “Oh, and Hardison just dropped this over.” He slid over a nondescript white box over.”

Penny sipped her coffee as she looked down at the box. “What is it?”

“A new phone.” Eliot answered casually, turning away to work on breakfast. He put the newly popped toast on a plate and then started buttering it.

Penny’s mouth dropped open as she pulled the lid off the box. The phone looked a hundred times fancier than her last one. “I can’t accept this.”

“He’s always got a bunch of spares around.” Eliot said. “Better in your hands than in the bottom of a box.”

Penny picked the phone up and turned it over in her hands. It was a lot lighter than she had expected. “Are you sure he doesn’t mind?”

Eliot’s back was turned but Penny could see him shrug a shoulder. “Providing tech is how Hardison helps people. He’s a big baby if you don’t accept it with appropriate enthusiasm.”

Penny smiled slowly. “I’ll be sure to thank him then.”

“Speaking of Hardison,” Eliot said, passing a plate of fancy looking scrambled eggs across to her - it had slithers of green, red, and orange through it. “We’re starting back at work today. Our job is local, but we’ll be busy over the next week or so. We don’t work regular hours.”

“That’s great!” Penny said, taking a mouthful and closing her eyes to savour it. “Oh, wow, this takes eggs to a whole new level. Great about you guys working again, I mean. Does this mean that Parker believed me when I told her that your ribs were fine?” Penny grinned, remembering how impressed Parker had been when she’d heard the details of what Eliot’s ribs had been capable of.”

“Apparently you were both convincing and detailed.” Eliot said grumpily.

“You’re welcome.” Penny grinned cheekily. “So will I see you guys tonight?”

“Probably not, but it’s hard to say exactly. It depends on how today goes.”

Penny chewed her eggs, wondering why they were always so vague about what they did. “Can you tell me what you guys will be doing?”

Eliot seemed to choose his words carefully. “We’re helping the family of someone who died because a company has been cutting corners.”

“Wow, I wouldn’t even know where to start with something like that.” Penny admitted, it made her time spent serving people food seem really trivial. “Well, good luck, I guess. I hope you’re able to help them.”

1-1-1

“Penny?”

“Yeah?” Penny looked up from grabbing some extra menus to look at her colleague.

“A blond woman just came in and asked if you were working today.” Sarah said. “Do you want to serve her or should I?”

Penny glanced toward where Sarah had indicated and smiled at the sight of Parker waving at her. “I’ve got it, thanks.”

Making her way across the room, Penny dropped off the menus to the new customers before greeting her friend with a broad smile.

“Hey, Parker, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory.”

“I like it.” Parker said, looking around the room appreciatively. “It’s cheerful.”

“That’s one word for it.” Penny said. “What are you doing here? I thought you guys were working today.”

“We are.” Parker said. “Eliot and Hardison are setting things up now, but I need your help with something.”

“My help?” Penny looked around to make sure that none of her customers needed her, before sitting across from Parker. “Parker, I’m not a - a - whatever you guys are. I’m just a waitress.”

“You’ll be great.” Parker said confidently. “My plan won’t work if you don’t help.”

Penny swallowed nervously, that felt like a lot of pressure. “Eliot didn’t mention this.”

“I didn’t tell Eliot,” Parker said casually. “He would have been all ‘no, Parker; we talked about this, Parker; ‘eat your food, Parker’. Nate taught me that sometimes it’s easier to just not tell people things.”

“That doesn’t sound like very good advice.” Penny cautioned.

Parker ignored her. “So, will you help?”

Penny sighed. “What do you need me to do?”

“Your friend Bernadette works for Zangen Pharmaceuticals, right?”

“Yeah.” Penny answered slowly. “Wait, are they the company that Eliot told me about? The one that’s cutting corners?” It wasn’t actually that surprising when she considered some of Bernadette’s work stories.

Parker frowned. “Eliot told you that? He wasn’t supposed to tell you anything.”

“That seems a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, Parker.”

“Anyway,” Parker said, ignoring Penny again. “I need you to visit your friend at her office and insert this into her computer drive.” She slid a small black box across the table.

“You want me to what?!” Penny asked, wincing when Parker had to shush her. “Parker, I’ve never visited Bernadette at her office before. And, even if I had, she’s my friend. What if I get her in trouble?”

“She won’t get in trouble.” Parker promised. “I’ll pull it out when I go in tonight. But we need to get access to the system before we go in. This is the best way.”

Penny nervously opened the box in front of her and stared at the small thumb-drive inside of it. “Eliot said someone died? And that’s why you’re doing this?”

Parker nodded. “We’re getting the proof the lawyers need that Zergen was negligent. Otherwise they’ll just bury the evidence and get away with it.”

“And I just slot this into her computer?” Penny confirmed.

“Any computer would work, but your friend’s one is probably the easiest.” Parker explained.

Penny sighed and glanced at her watch. “I suppose if I left now I could surprise her for lunch.” She stood up and glanced around, wincing when she saw that several of her customers were looking at her impatiently. “Meet me outside. It’ll take me a few minutes to convince my manager to let me leave now.”

In the end it didn’t take as long as Penny expected. All it took was a nervous, tear-stain explanation that she’d just found out that her ex cheated on her with someone with AIDs and she needed to get tested immediately to make sure she wasn’t sick too. A bit over-dramantic? Perhaps. But effective? Absolutely. Take that Hollywood.

Penny drove her and Parker across town to Zangen and parked around the corner from the front entrance. It felt strangely exhilarating to be doing something exciting, not to mention nice to actually be helping someone with a problem bigger than a need for coffee.

“Remember, just put it in the computer.” Parker said, with far more confidence than Penny was feeling.

“Right,” Penny said, trying to figure out exactly how it would all play out. “Wait, I need to take food with me. Otherwise, I might not even get to see her office.” She peered around at the shops near them. “I’ll take her up some Mexican food.”

“Good idea,” Parker said approvingly, handing Penny a handful of cash. “Use this.”

Penny’s mouth dropped open. “Parker, these are hundred dollar bills! There must be thousands of dollars here!”

“Oops,” Parker grinned. “You probably just need one.”

1-1-1

A bag of Mexican food in hand, Penny entered the Zangen building feeling like a complete fraud. She glanced around the all of the security guards, and the official looking front desk, before deciding to go with plan B.

Pulling out her phone, she rang Bernadette.

“Penny, hey,” Bernadette answered.

“Hey, Bernadette,” Penny answered, swallowing nervously. “I know this is super short notice, but I’m at your work. In the lobby. With lunch. For you.” She rolled her eyes at herself. Could she sound any more awkward? “I feel like I haven’t had a proper conversation with you in ages, so I thought I’d bring you lunch.” There, that was much better.

“That’s so sweet.” Bernadette gushed. “I’m in the lab right now, but I can meet you in my office in a few minutes. Just go to the front desk and tell them you’re my friend. I’ll ring them now to let them know you’re coming.”

Penny’s stomach twisted guiltily. She couldn’t believe she was taking advantage of Bernadette like this. Sure, they didn’t see much of each other anymore, and Bernadette seemed to have chosen Leonard in their break up, but that didn’t mean they weren’t friends.

It turned out that just getting past the front desk was a mission. There was almost as much paperwork to get signed into the building as there had been when Penny was hired at the Cheesecake Factory, but eventually she was given a card for the elevator and given directions to Bernadette’s office.

There were three other people in the elevator, so Penny concentrated on reminding herself that she had a perfectly reasonable explanation for why she was in the building. Nobody would be able to tell that she was actually here for another reason.

Once on the twelfth floor, Penny found her way down the corridor to an office that had Bernadette’s name on the front and pushed the door open. The office was empty, so Penny rushed towards the computer her hand fumbling for the black thumb-drive in her pocket.

“Penny, hi.” Bernadette’s voice came from behind her. “You beat me here.”

“Only just.” Penny said, dropping the thumbdrive back in her pocket as she turned around to greet her friend with a smile. “This is a nice office, Bernadette.”

Bernadette smiled smugly. “I know, right? Amy and Sheldon are always boasting about their research, but I get to do research and have a nice office.” She moved around the desk and sat on her chair.

“Not to mention all the zeros on your salary.” Penny added flippantly, sitting in the seat on the other side of the desk. It was a lot lower than Bernadette’s chair which looked sort of like a throne.

“And the bonuses.” Bernadette added, in a high sing songy voice. “Honestly, I don’t understand why anyone would work for a university when they could have a corporate job. Even Howie. He could be designing things for any big tech company, but instead everything he builds belongs to Caltech. It’s such a waste.”

“I think they like their jobs though.” Penny suggested weakly. “And, well, I don’t exactly know what they do, but I’ve always kind of presumed that their research will eventually help the world, right?”

“In a hundred years maybe.” Bernadette rolled her eyes. “Meanwhile I’m working on developing a cure for the measles that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars to make.”

“That’s great! Does that mean you’ll be able to give it away to poorer countries?”

“Yeah, sure, that’s why we’re doing it.” Bernadette said unconvincingly. “Anyway, you said you brought lunch?”

“Yeah,” Penny said, raising the bag of food in demonstration. “Do you have, uh, any cutlery we could use?”

“We have some in the staff room,” Bernadette said, standing up and heading towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Penny said, waiting until Bernadette was out of sight before standing up and moving around the desk to try and find a usb port in the computer. There was nothing in the screen, but there was a spare on in the laptop on the side of the desk. Jabbing the drive into the computer, Penny gritted her teeth in frustration when she realised it was upside down. Trying again she breathed a sigh of relief when it went in smoothly.

“It’s a nice desk, right?”

Penny swallowed down a scream, but in the process felt like she’d swallowed a lung. One cough turned into two, which turned into a fit that made it difficult to breathe.

“Here,” Bernadette passed her a cup of water. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Penny gulped down the water and was glad when it settled her coughing. “It’s just so peaceful here,” She tried to explain, her voice still hoarse.

“Yeah, especially compared to the Cheesecake Factory.” Bernadette agreed, settling back in her chair. “Speaking of, how is everyone? Is Toni still causing problems?”

Penny sat down as well, pulling out the food and passing Bernadette her container. “Uh, Toni left a few months ago. She got a job as a personal assistant for some big company. In fact, most of the people who you know have gone,” She said, picking up her burrito.

Bernadette opened her container and frowned. “Penny, why did you ask for cutlery when you brought burritos?”

Penny considered her options. Did she commit to pretending that she ate burritos with a fork, or blame it on a dumb blond moment? “Oh, sorry, Bernie. I’m not sure where my head is today.”

“It’s fine.” Bernadette said, taking her first bite.

Penny tried to remember what she had been saying. “Uh, so, yeah, most of the people you worked with are gone. Francis has been made a duty manager, which, you know, ugh. But there is a new girl Sarah who is fun to work with.”

“I guess the Cheesecake Factory is a pretty short-term job for most people.” Bernadette agreed. “A kind of filler until they move onto something better.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Penny said, wondering if Bernadette had meant her comment to sting. She wished she had something better to move onto, but she still hadn’t been able to figure out what she wanted to do next. Aside from take another community college class that was. “Anyway, how’s everyone else? Is Howard back this week?”

“Tomorrow.” Bernadette beamed. “I can’t wait to see him! It’s been so long.”

“Are you still planning on making him sleep on the couch?”

Bernadette shook her head. “No, it turns out that I don’t need to. He called his mother last week to tell her he was moving out.”

“He told her while he was in space?” Penny echoed. “Isn’t that kind of cold?”

“I think he’s more cowardly than cold.” Bernadette admitted, not seeming bothered by her boyfriend’s lack of bravery. “I think it’s kind of cute.”

Penny thought it was cute that Eliot could bench-press four times her bodyweight, but to each their own. “And how’s Raj?”

“I think he’s looking forward to Howard coming back more than I am.” Bernadette admitted with a laugh.

“And Leonard?” Penny asked tentatively.

Bernadette sighed. “He really misses you. We’re all worried about him. He was really upset when he heard about you and Eliot.”

Penny refused to let herself be drawn into pitying her ex-boyfriend, especially not after his jabs about her intelligence the week before. “Well, how did he find out about Eliot? I didn’t tell him.”

“Amy and I thought he should hear it from us rather than through the walls, you know?” Bernadette explained.

Penny rolled her eyes. “We’re not that loud!”

Bernadette leaned forward, placing her half-eaten burrito back in the container. “Penny, are you sure you can’t get back together with Leonard? Things were so much easier when you two were together.”

“Really, Bernadette?” Penny sighed. “Are you going to ask me that every time we see each other? I’m never getting back together with Leonard. I know he’s sad, and I’m sorry about that, but I’m happier now than I was when I was with him. Which is saying something given that I’ve pretty much lost all of my friends in the process.”

“We’re still friends.” Bernadette protested. “I’m just saying it would be easier to be your friend if you hadn’t broken the heart of our other friend.”

Penny dropped her burrito in the container and stood up. “Yeah, well, it would be easier to be your friend if you didn’t keep trying to convince me to go back to my toxic ex. Have a good day, Bernadette.”

She stalked out the of the office, ignoring Bernadette’s half-hearted apologies as she made her way back to the elevator. Honestly, she wasn’t sure why she’d expected anything different. Bernadette had already made it clear that she was ‘team-Leonard’, despite the fact that Leonard was the one acting like a spoiled child about the whole thing.

Leaving the building, Penny tried to calm her temper while she made her way back to her car where Parker was waiting. She hoped into the driver’s seat, slamming the door closed, and immediately started up the engine.

“Did you do it?” Parker asked eagerly.

“It’s in her laptop.” Penny said, pulling out of the carpark and making her way back to Pasadena. “It was the only kind of computer she had.”

“Perfect.” Parker sounded satisfied. “I knew you could do it.”

“It wasn’t actually that hard.” Penny admitted, her temper disappearing under a thrilled excitement. “In fact, it was an adrenaline rush. I haven’t felt like this since I did rodeo.”

“I know right?” Parker asked. “I just knew you’d like it.”

1-1-1

“Hey, Penny, can I borrow your lipstick?”

Penny passed the red lipstick to Sally with a half-hearted smile and double-checked her wig in the mirror to ensure it was straight. Tonight was her last night as any kind of actress before she gave the whole thing up for good. Which was a relief, except all she really felt was drained and tired. Sure it would be good to have this part of her life over and done with, but she still didn’t know what she wanted to do instead. She’d signed up to take two papers in the next semester at community college, which was a start. At the time her kind of plan had been to keep waitressing while she studied until she could get an actual degree and so get a proper job.

Except, after the events earlier that day, she had realised that she wanted to do something with high stakes. Something that would give her the adrenaline rush that she’d had helping Parker. It had been such a rush!

The only problem was she had no idea what kinds of jobs would involve those kinds of high-stakes. Let alone how to get herself qualified to actually apply for one of them. She doubted a community college degree would cut it.

And that was presuming that a community college was actually good for anything.

“Okay, guys, gather round,” Angela called them in a hushed voice.

Penny shifted around in her chair so that she was facing her, as some of the other acting students moved closer. There will still half-a-dozen people still applying the final touches of their makeup.

“This is it. The moment we’ve all been working for.” Angela reminded them unnecessarily. “How is everyone feeling?”

“Good.”

“Ready.”

“Excited.”

Penny sighed as everyone whispered words to the same affect. She supposed she could kind of relate. She was excited to get this whole thing over and done with.

“Your friends and family are out there,” Angela waved towards where the audience was seated behind a heavy curtain. “Along with some castings directors and talent agents. So do your best, act from the heart, and have fun.”

Penny turned back to the mirror to check her wig one last time, before standing up and following the rest of the students out of the dressing room. It was almost over.

1-1-1

“Hey, Sheldon,” Penny greeted Sheldon as he entered the laundry room with a basket of washing in his hands. “How’s it hanging?”

Sheldon gave her a disapproving frown. “What a nonsensical greeting. Nothing is ‘hanging’.”

“You’re supposed to say, ‘they’re hanging loose, like a goose’.” Penny explained, though for the life her she couldn’t remember where that saying had come from.

“But gooses don’t ‘hang loose’.” Sheldon argued, beginning to sort his laundry into separate piles. “They walk, and fly, and sit, but they don’t hang. They’re not bats.”

Penny smiled. “It means, how are you, Sheldon.”

“Oh,” Sheldon considered that, and then turned his attention back to his laundry. “I am well, thank you. How are you?”

“I’m great!” Penny answered, starting to drop her pre-sorted clothing into Sheldon’s piles. It was so much easier to do her laundry with him. “Though I’m missing my new friends. I haven’t seen them in almost a week.”

“Can I presume you are referring to the new neighbours?” Sheldon asked, picking up one of Penny’s work shirts between his thumb and finger and dropping it into a different pile. “This is a knit, Penny.”

Penny winced. “Sorry, I forgot. Material and then colour.”

“Precisely.”

“Yeah, Eliot, Parker, and Hardison.” Penny confirmed. “I’ve been spending quite a lot of time with them recently.”

“So I hear,” Sheldon said. “Leonard was rather put out to hear that you had replaced him so quickly while he is still pining after you like a calf pining after his momma.”

Penny had to resist the urge to laugh at Sheldon’s description. “I’m sorry he’s having such a difficult time. I didn’t want to hurt him.”

“Leonard will get over it.” Sheldon said.

“I hope so.” Penny hopped up to sit on one of the empty driers.

“At least you don’t have to live with him.” Sheldon grumbled. “He’s not even throwing himself into his work like any self-respecting scientist would. Though, admittedly calling Leonard a scientist is probably a bit of a stretch. His work is to science what a colour-by-numbers picture is art.” He let out a breathy laugh at his own joke.

“I didn’t mean to replace Leonard so quickly,” Penny defended, returning to Sheldon’s earlier comment. “Eliot was just supposed to be a kind of pallet cleanser, but I guess it’s getting a bit more serious. We haven’t had the talk yet though.”

“What talk?” Sheldon looked confused.

“The ‘where is this going’, ‘are we in a relationship’ talk.” Penny explained before, seeing that he was still confused, adding. “It’s like when you and Amy negotiated your relationship agreement.”

“Oh, I see.” Sheldon nodded. “He is still just a boy who is your friend, he has not officially become your boyfriend yet.”

“Exactly,” Penny agreed. “Except that Eliot is a boy who is my friend with benefits. Really good benefits.”

Sheldon screwed his face up in a grimace. “Penny! I am not one of your gossiping girlfriends, kindly refrain from discussing your benefits.”

Penny grinned. “Sorry, sweetie.”

“Speaking of the new neighbours,” Sheldon said. “I would appreciate it if you could use your friendship with them to make them keep the noise down. The amount of shouting this evening has been more than a little unpleasant.”

“You heard them this evening?” Penny asked. “When?”

Sheldon tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. “Between 7:50 and 7:55, approximately.”

“So just before you came down here.” Penny concluded, glancing at her watch. It was only ten past eight. “Sheldon, would you mind if I left my laundry here and ran upstairs to see them super quick?”

“I hardly see what a difference it would make.” Sheldon retorted. “It isn’t as though you were planning on doing any of the work.”

“Thanks, sweetie!” Penny called, already halfway out the door. She dashed up the stairs to the main entrance and then stepped into the elevator with a grin - three days in and the novelty of a working elevator still hadn’t worn off.

Getting off at on the fifth floor, Penny paused outside Parker and Hardison’s apartment wondering if she was intruding. In the end, her desire to know how their work had gone won out and she knocked briskly on the door.

“Hi, Penny,” Parker greeted her with a weak smile. “Come on in.”

Hardison was seated on his computer chair, but he was turned to face Eliot who was seated on the couch. With a black eye. Huh.

“Sorry to interrupt.” Penny said, immediately feeling awkward. “I just heard you were back and wanted to know how your job went at Zaneng Pharmacauticals.”

“She knows the name of the company?!” Hardison exclaimed. “Parker!”

“Eliot told her some of the details first!” Parker protested loudly.

Hardison swung back around to glare at Eliot. “What happened to ‘crew doesn’t grift crew’?!”

“Oh, don’t even,” Eliot growled. “I wasn’t keeping a secret …”

“No, you were sharing one!” Hardison finished for him.

Penny swallowed nervously, glancing between Parker, Eliot, and Hardison. “Maybe I should go.”

“No, don’t go.” Parker protested, grabbing Penny’s hand and pulling her further into the room. “You helped us, you deserve to know how it went.”

“We just went through this, you can’t just make these decisions without us, Parker.” Eliot said, with frustrated patience.

“Nate left me in charge.” Parker retorted stubbornly.

“Of making the plan, not adding new people to the crew.” Eliot returned. “And don’t even get me started on the fact that you didn’t tell us that Penny was involved until everything was over. Crew doesn’t grift crew!”

“But we need her!” Parker said plaintively.

Hardison stood up with a sigh and moved to wrap Parker in a back hug. “We’re doing fine, babe.”

“No, we’re not.” Parker stomped her foot. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to mastermind a plan when we don’t have a grifter? Nate had five people to work with, we just have three! I feel like I’m trying to crack a safe with only half the code!”

Penny started slowly backing towards the door. This really didn’t seem like the kind of conversation they wanted her listening in on.

“Oh,” Hardison said, surprised. “Parker, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because you’re all depending on me.” Parker said, her voice breaking. “Nate left me in charge. It’s my responsibility.”

Eliot sighed deeply and lent forward in his chair with a wince that suggested that he had more bruises than just the obvious one. “We’re a team, Parker. That means we share the responsibility.”

Hardison glanced back to Penny, who had made it most of the way to the door. “We really need a grifter that badly?”

“So badly!” Parker answered. “Do you know how many jobs I have to pass by because we can’t do them without a grifter?”

“So we get a professional.” Eliot said, shooting Penny an apologetic glance. “We can’t just recruit a civilian, Parker.”

“But she can do it. And she just clicks.” Parker looked plaintively between the two men. “Don’t you guys feel the click.”

“Eliot feels the click.” Hardison muttered quietly, earning himself a glare from the other man.

Penny glanced between them again, before deciding that enough was enough. “Alright, you don’t have to tell me whatever secretive thing that you all do. That involves, fighting,” She looked pointedly at Eliot. “Hacking,” Then Hardison. “And jumping of buildings and cracking safes.” Her gaze landed on Parker. “And I know I’m not any kind of professional, let alone a professional at, what was it, ‘grifting’? But I’d really like to know if the thumb-drive thing worked and you got the proof you needed for the family of the person who died. So, if you just tell me that, then I’ll go and tomorrow we’ll all pretend that I wasn’t here for this conversation, okay?”

There was a long pause, before Eliot spoke. “She did manage to score us a dozen free drinks.”

“And she can kick Eliot’s ass at poker.” Hardison added.

Parker was nodding eagerly. “And she managed to get her friend to let her into Zangen so she could plant the drive with, like, thirty minutes notice.”

Penny sighed. “Guys, I really just want to know if you were able to help the family.”

“A team decision.” Parker decided, completely ignoring Penny. “Hardison?”

“I vote, yes.”

“Eliot?”

Eliot stared at Penny for a few minutes, before his mouth turned up at the corner into a smile. “Yeah, let’s go for it.”

“Okay,” Parker stepped forward out of Hardison’s arm and drew herself up. “Penny, you might want to have a seat.”

“Uh,” Penny looked between them before sighing again. “Oh, what the hell. Sure.”

She moved to sit beside Eliot on the couch, smiling when he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close.

“Penny,” Parker said, moving to perch on the armrest of a nearby chair. “In this world, the rich and powerful take what they want. We provide … Leverage.”