Chapter Text
It comes without warning.
One moment he’s laughing with Buck in their kitchen, Buck in the hideous purple dish gloves and Eddie drying the dishes from their lunch. Eddie leans in for a kiss, but while Buck is distracted, he splashes the soapy water all over Buck’s shirt. Buck is laughing, swooping him up in his arms while threatening revenge between laughter and kisses.
Suddenly he’s in a dark room, kneeling on hard floor as someone looms above him. Cold freezes him in place, the frigid water dripping over his body, and the only warmth in this room is his tears.
“Perdóname Padre porque he pecado. Perdóne.”
“Solo Dios peude perdonarte.”
“Por favor Padre...”
“Asqueroso.”
“Eddie!”
He rears back and gasps in air, his head swimming as if he had been holding his breath and by the look on Buck’s face that seems to be a possibility. Buck is hovering around him uncertainly as Eddie looks around the room confused. He’s kneeling in the middle of his kitchen, the purple gloves discarded on the floor and a dish towel in Buck’s hands as he gently wipes off the water and sweat from Eddie’s skin. The world here felt too good to be true, he was so sure he was in a shadowy room, begging for forgiveness from... from...
“Eddie,” Buck says sharply, jerking Eddie out of his daze again before he is swallowed by the darkness again. “Eddie, come on. Deep breaths. From right here. Slowly. I’m right here.”
Buck’s hand is pressing on his gut, encouraging his breathing to deepen, but Eddie can’t quite feel Buck’s hand. He can only stare at Buck’s wide blue eyes, wondering if this is salvation is true. Buck’s brow is furrowed in worry and Eddie thinks distantly that maybe he could even his breathing to try to elevate the concern. His body isn’t there in the sunny Californian kitchen, it’s somewhere else in Texas, in darkness where a young boy cries...
“Let’s get you into a more comfortable position.” Buck’s voice cuts in from somewhere, his gentle voice echoing in the distance between them. “I’m going to take your hands, okay?”
Eddie watches as Buck’s large hands take his where they’re clasped together in a prayer position, entwined so tightly that his knuckles are white. When Buck tries to lower them, Eddie can’t help the whimper that escapes him. He needs to stay like this, kneeling on the ground, begging, begging, begging...
“La salvación sólo está en Dios, niño. Debes suplicarle perdón.”
“Eddie! Eds, look at me. Stay with me. Take long breaths. One... two... three... four...”
He flounders with the lifeline he’s thrown. He breathes in fire as the voice in front of him instructs, scorching his lungs with oxygen. The world spins, but it’s getting more clear as he breathes in and out. His limbs unlock and his body falls limply into Buck’s embrace, his numb fingers drop like a stone in a well. Buck’s strong hands rub up and down his back, warmth melting through the panic. Eddie closes his eyes, leaning into Buck, greedily drinking in the comfort that Buck offers. “You’re okay, Eds. I’m right here with you.”
“Buck?” His voice barely comes out as a rasp, his confusion and misery coating him like mud, but Buck’s grins and nods.
“Yes! Do you know where you are?”
Eddie looks around again. The kitchen is still there, calm and homely as always, as if everything was just a bad dream. Pictures drawn by Christopher decorate the fridge and the leftovers of their lunch are on the counter. The time on the clock shows that a hour has passed. “Home?”
Buck nods and his arms shift around Eddie so that he has one hand free to take Eddie’s pulse at his wrist. Eddie watches with detachment at their hands, distantly wondering if he should be gathering more energy to comfort Buck, but he just leans against Buck’s chest, feeling the gentle rise and fall and matches his breathing slowly.
Another couple of minutes tick by, Eddie’s eyelids starts to dip as the adrenaline leaves his system, leaving him feeling exhausted to his bones.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Buck wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist and helps him to his feet. “Strong legs, Eddie.”
The world is tilting and when Eddie takes a step, his knees buckle. Buck is there to catch him. Eddie wants to sob at the weakness in his body, but Buck is there to hush away his tears, instead just lifting him up and carrying him to his bedroom. Eddie sinks like a stone when he’s placed on the bed and watches with tired blinks as Buck efficiently pulls off Eddie’s jeans and socks before tucking the blanket over him. He hesitates after that and slowly sinks down next to the bed so that he’s eye level with Eddie.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Eddie shakes his head, then nods, but in the end, shakes his head. “Later. I think... Right now... I can’t...”
Buck hums softly and nods, understanding what Eddie needs, but Eddie can see that’s not what Buck needs, so he summons the last of his strength to say, “Buck, none of it’s your fault.”
He barks out a laugh. “Are you sure? It seems like I trigged a hell of a flashback for you.”
It takes a moment for Eddie to wrestle out a hand from the blankets he’s under to take Buck’s hand. “We don’t know what triggered it. We’ll talk about it after, but until then, you did everything right.”
The worried knot in Buck’s brow eases a bit and a soft smile melts away the tension. “Okay,” he agrees, brushing back the hair from Eddie’s forehead. “Just rest for now, okay? I love you too and I’ll be here for you.”
Tears burn in Eddie’s eyes again, but this time it’s happy tears and he leans into Buck’s soft touch, hoping love will wash away the nightmare.
It’s a routine call, no fire, no medical emergency, just an old lady who calls often about anything that twitches, just one of those chronic callers. Sweet old Guatemalan lady. The 118 had been assigned to build a relationship with her, just in case the wolf came to the boy. Bobby brought just Eddie to help her out.
Today she’s complaining about some noises in her basement. The three of them head downstairs to the half finished basement. The walls are still concrete and the beginning of rooms are just the two by fours making the wall frames. The basement is light by a couple of light bulbs that cast more shadows than light and a small window peaking out by the ceiling. She leads the two to the furnace area and explains the noise, and the problem is nothing that a glance and a screw driver can’t fix. Bobby takes care of that while Eddie talks in Spanish to Señora Alvaro.
The furnace comes to life with a bang and behind Bobby, he hears a loud scream from Eddie. Whipping around, he sees Eddie huddled on the ground, his shoulders heaving as his breath comes out in harsh gasps. Señora Alvaro looks alarmed and quickly says, “I didn’t do anything! He just collapsed!”
Bobby gives her a quick word of comfort before dropping to his knees beside Eddie. Buck had confided in him that Eddie was struggling about something that was different than his war PTSD, but they were working on it together. The whole week had Eddie jumping at shadows. Thankfully, most of their calls had been calm, many bumps and bruises, no heavy search and rescue calls, so Eddie had been able to stay back. Bobby had thought it would be a good idea to bring Eddie along with him to this call, a standard welfare check, to this lady who reminds Eddie of his Tia Perla from Houston, thinking that this would help him take the edge off, but something is going horribly wrong. “Eddie, can you hear me? Do you know where you are?” he asks as he tips Eddie’s head up to look at his eyes. “Eddie?”
Eddie’s eyes are wide and glazed over, the reflection of the small basement window reflected in his tears. Without warning, he suddenly starts gagging and Bobby twists them as Eddie starts to vomit. Bobby rubs Eddie’s back, and asks Mrs. Alvaro to go get Eddie a glass of water. Eddie is bracing himself against Bobby’s arms where Bobby can feel the trembling in Eddie’s grip.
“Eddie, are you with me?” Bobby asks gently, taking a moment to brush Eddie’s sweaty locks from his forehead.
Eddie’s gaze snaps up to meet his eyes and in a flash, he’s on his knees and his hands clasped in a prayer position. It takes a moment for Bobby to realize that Eddie is speaking in Spanish, his voice raising in pitch and desperation. Stunned, Bobby takes a step back, for once not knowing what to do.
There’s a soft hurried footsteps behind him and he hears Mrs. Alvaro’s accented voice ask, “What happened to the boy?” with a tinge of accusation as if it was Bobby who caused this.
Bobby turns to shield Eddie from her, but she deftly sidesteps him and speaks gently to Eddie. Eddie’s desperate cries peters out, leaving only gulping cries, as he stares at Mrs. Alvaro with child-like innocence.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Bobby asks Mrs. Alvaro.
She turns sad eyes to him. “He’s asking for forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness? For what?”
“Himself. He says he’s a sinner.”
Bobby’s brow furrows as he tries to riddle this out. “Can you ask him if he knows where he is?”
“Sabes dónde estás?”
If it was possible, Eddie’s eyes widened farther as he glances around at the shadows, his bottom lip trembles as he whispers a reply to Mrs. Alvaro, tears falling onto his lap before she wipes them away with a handkerchief.
“He says that he doesn’t know, his Uncle Trent brought him here.”
Bobby’s heart drops farther and he tries to push away his worry to evaluate this problem like he would usually do. “Señora Alvaro, can you ask him if he can stand up? I’ll like to get him upstairs to access him.”
“Vamos a ver la luz del sol.”
Eddie whimpers, his hands coming up to clutch his hair. “Padre dice que no merezco el sol.”
Mrs. Alvaro tries to talk to him, but Eddie has dissolved into panicked cries again, his litany carrying the cadence of a prayer, as he rocks back and forth. Bobby takes a step back and speaks quietly into his radio, “Dispatch, this is Captain 118, we need a bus at our location.”
“Copy that, 118. Dispatching now.”
Carefully, Bobby takes a step forward to kneel next to Eddie and he cautiously lays his hand on Eddie’s back, but Eddie doesn’t seem to notice him, Spanish spilling unceasingly from somewhere hidden deep in his mind. Taking a chance, Bobby wraps his hand around Eddie’s wrist to take his pulse, Eddie’s heartbeat flutters wildly under his touch.
Time ticks by slowly as they wait for the ambulance. Bobby starts rubbing Eddie’s back firmly, hoping that the stimulus will bring Eddie out of it, while keeping track of Eddie’s racing pulse with the other. Eddie’s terrified rambling has petered out to soft cries of “Por favor, por favor.” Without warning, Eddie’s whole body suddenly goes limp and Bobby jumps forward to catch him and ease him down to the ground.
Bobby’s heart jumps into his throat, but with a quick check, Eddie’s heart is still beating. A bit faster than normal, but steady and there. Efficiently, Bobby settles Eddie in recovery position on the ground. With his penlight, Bobby checks Eddie’s eyes, finding his reflexes fine, but Eddie’s skin in clammy and pale.
Bobby’s radio squawks and Chimney cheerfully announces that he and Hen have arrived. Keeping one hand on Eddie’s shoulder, Bobby speaks into his radio to tell Chimney and Hen to enter the house to the basement. They stop for a moment at the bottom of the stairs in surprise, expecting to see Mrs. Alvaro the patient but instead finding one of their own in need of help, but professionally move forward to assist Eddie.
Bobby helps move Mrs. Alvaro out of the way as the medics start to examine Eddie. “Señora Alvaro, I’m sorry you had to see that. Could I ask you a couple of questions about what happened?”
“That poor boy,” she says. “I’ll try to answer anything you need.”
“What was Diaz saying?”
“He was praying for forgiveness for the sinners. He said he needed Father’s help.”
Bobby frowns, watching Hen take Eddie’s blood pressure and her lips purse in displeasure at the reading. “He was asking his dad’s help?”
“No, a Father. A priest. He said that Father would fix him.”
Bobby flounders with this information, but thanks Mrs. Alvaro before sending her upstairs with a promise that he would follow shortly. “Alright, what do you have?” he asks Chimney.
“Only a vasovagal syncope. He was so stressed that he fainted,” Chimney says as he untangles an oxygen mask to put on Eddie’s face. “Do you know what triggered it?”
Bobby shakes his head, glancing at the heart rate monitor that’s now attached to Eddie. “The more I asked Señora Alvaro, the less I knew.”
Chimney shrugs helplessly. “Trying sternum rub,” he says to Hen as he does so.
For a moment, Eddie doesn’t respond, but then he jerks a bit, his eyes fluttering open slowly. Hen smiles down at him and says, “Hey there, Eddie, gave us a bit of a scare there, but you’re okay.”
Slowly, Eddie’s brows knit together and he frowns under the oxygen mask as if he was moving through molasses, but otherwise doesn’t react. Hen’s smile flatters slightly as she cups his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “Eddie? Can you hear me?”
Eddie doesn’t reply, his glazed eyes just fixed somewhere in the air as tears silently drip fall from his eyes, disappearing into his hairline.
“Something’s wrong,” Hen says. “We got to get him to the hospital, get him checked out by a psychiatrist.”
Even as he’s rolled onto a gurney, Eddie doesn’t react to anything, just staring off into the distance. Bobby instructs Hen and Chimney to take Eddie to the nearest hospital as he calls Buck to meet him there.
“There’s nothing we can do for now. Eddie arrived in a state of catatonia and has not woke up.” the doctor says, leading Buck to a hospital room. “His vitals are looking good and we’ll evaluate his mental state as soon as he wakes. Just sit with him until he wakes.”
“Thanks Doc,” Buck says, but his eyes don’t leave Eddie’s figure in the bed. Eddie is lying on his back, as if he was resting, but his eyes are open and unfocused. His eyes don’t track movement as Buck sits down beside the bed. It feels like Eddie is hiding, burrowed deep in a hiding place like a child hiding after a thunderstorm. Buck’s heart breaks and he takes Eddie’s hand for a modicum of comfort. Buck lovingly rubs Eddie’s forearm to warm him up and places a kiss on Eddie’s knuckles, just because he can. Even though he’s worried sick for Eddie, he can’t help but be happy at the moment. He and Eddie were starting a romantic relationship and he couldn’t believe how lucky he is that this wonderful man loved him back.
While he waits for Eddie to wake up, Buck thinks about what Bobby had told him about Eddie’s... flashback, Buck guesses is the best description to what happened. Buck puzzles over the two events, shuddering at the thought of Eddie’s flashback in the kitchen, Eddie collapsing down to the ground before begging and screaming in Spanish. Buck’s limited Peruvian Spanish woefully inadequate for that situation.
Their relationship had started only a couple of months ago, Eddie taking the first step. Eddie shyly told Buck that he had never had a boyfriend, barely could admit he was gay until recently, but that he knew he loved Buck more than he had loved anyone (except for Christopher) and he was going to be the best partner for him as he could. “I promised you that I would have your back at work, but I want to have your back every second of the day.” Eddie is an attentive partner, Buck preens when he is showered by Eddie’s affection, only ever seeing this type of Eddie’s love directed at Christopher and his Abuela and Pepa.
Speaking of Eddie’s family, Eddie’s phone starts ringing, Sofia’s contact popping up on the screen. Buck quickly answers with a hello, earning a surprised but happy greeting in return, though the surprise comes back when she hears that Eddie is in the hospital.
“What happened?” she demands. “Is he okay?”
“He’s resting,” Buck says. “The doctors are optimistic and says he needs rest. We’ll know more when he wakes.” Buck hesitates for a moment, before asking haltingly, “Sofia, who’s Uncle Trent?”
She pauses for so long that Buck needs to check if the phone is still connected.
“How do you know about him?”
“Apparently Eddie said his name during his...” Buck trails off, not knowing how to categorize Eddie’s episode.
“Uncle Trent was our great uncle on Mom’s side,” Sofia says. “He died when I was eight or so.”
“Why would Eddie say his name? He thought that he was somewhere that Uncle Trent brought him.”
She pauses again. “One summer, Uncle Trent took Eddie to a camp. I think it was unexpected, because I was looking forward to Eddie taking us to the pool that week, but then he wasn’t home for most of the summer,” she says. “I can’t remember very much, I was five at the time. Papi came home from a business trip and he went off on Mom when he found out that Uncle Trent took you. He was furious. He stormed out of the house, but the next day he came back with Eddie.”
Buck’s stomach flips uneasily. “What was Eddie like when he returned?”
Sofia makes a noncommittal sound before continuing, “When Papi came back with Eddie, he brought him directly to his room and Adriana and I weren’t allowed to see him for a week. The next week, Eddie was out and about as if nothing had happened. He didn’t look that bad. I didn’t notice any wounds, he looked fed, but... when he returned, there was something... different about Eddie.”
“Different how?”
“Like... oh, I don’t know. He was different. Before he was happy, then after he was moody. I thought it was just puberty, but, Buck, I can’t remember it very well, I was really young. Maybe I’m just remembering this wrong.”
“Maybe. I hope so.”
Soon after, they say their goodbyes, Buck promising her that he would text updates, and Buck returns to holding vigil beside Eddie’s bed.
It’s another hour until Eddie starts stirring. Slowly at first. A soft sigh and a small twitch. Then a blink. A groan.
At the first sign of waking, Buck leaps to his feet and leans closer to Eddie, calling out his name, but Eddie isn’t ready to come out from his hiding place in his mind. Buck can be patient.
For the next hour, Buck coaxes Eddie closer to consciousness. He gives words of encouragement after every groan, he kisses Eddie’s hands at the smallest of twitches. After a moment of fluttering eyelashes, Eddie’s eyes open and Buck’s heart leaps as they focus on Buck. A hazy smile spreads across Eddie’s face and he mumbles, “Buck.”
Buck lets out a breath that feels like he’s exhaling all the worry he’s been carrying for the past hours. “Hey there, how are you feeling?”
Still a bit sluggish, Eddie’s brow furrows and he shrugs. “What happened?”
“You had a flashback,” Buck says, wildly over simplifying what happened, “You’ve been out for a couple of hours.”
Eddie nods slowly, his eyes slowly roaming around the room before trying to sit up. Quickly, Buck helps him, raising the head of the bed and fluffing the pillows. Eddie huffs fondly, and allows Buck’s fluttering as he tucks the blankets higher around him. Once Buck is satisfied, he presses a kiss against Eddie’s hair, Eddie sighing happily and melting into the kiss.
“The doctors want to see you,” Buck says, “but can I be selfish and keep you for myself for a little while longer?”
With a chuckle, Eddie clutches Buck’s hand and holds their joined hands up to his heart. “A little while longer.”
They savour quiet moments together, sharing soft words and gentle kisses, until Buck forces himself to go get the doctor. Eddie’s physical check up is routine with a warning from the doctor to not stress himself out more to prevent another fainting episode, but the mental evaluation is much more harrowing. Eddie can’t remember what happened, just vague feelings of terror and panic. The examination finishes with a diagnosis of an episode of catatonia that would likely not repeat if Eddie avoided triggers – not that they knew what they could possibly be – and a recommendation to a psychologist. They talk to a psychologist, Dr. Warner. Eddie has a private intake session, then Dr. Warner interviews Buck. If Buck feels vulnerable with Dr. Warner, Eddie must feel flayed open.
When Buck returns to Eddie’s room, he’s huddled on the bed, his body shaking and shivering. Immediately Buck rushes to the bed and wraps him arms around Eddie’s body. Eddie flinches, but before Buck can draw away, Eddie clutches Buck’s arm tightly, keeping him close.
He doesn’t ask if Eddie is okay, it’s too obvious he’s not, so instead he asks, “What can I do?”
Eddie shakes his head desperately, cramming his body closer to Buck’s chest. Buck accepts this and just holds him, brushing his hair and kissing Eddie’s trembling hands. They stay like this for another twenty minutes until Eddie says, “There’s something wrong with me.”
“That’s okay, that’s why we’re here, to get you better.”
“No. It’s not like that. There’s something wrong... with me. Deep down. Something... is wrong. I can’t describe it