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Cole woke up.
At least it felt like he did.
He was aware of the relaxed bodies by his side, each one of them with different breathing patterns. The silhouettes were barely distinguishable and marked by the tiniest sun glow peeking through the blinds.
Apart from the breathing of his friends, if he concentrated enough, he could hear the birds chirping; but mostly his ears were focused on the sound Zane’s chest made, a soft, constant ‘tac tac tac’ followed by seconds of silence before repeating as a cycle.
Jay, being sensitive to the sound, would sometimes ask Zane to go sleep after he did, otherwise the ginger would toss and turn for hours before catching some rest.
He continued listening to the sounds, grounding him a little bit to the present, reminding him that he was here, that it was a new day.
A day he knew, was going to be fucked up, ever since he woke up without the feeling of the covers, without the warmness of Kai’s back at his right side, without Zane’s hard, heavy shoulder pressing against his, without Jay’s leg taking up space, and touching his knee with his foot.
He wanted to sleep again, no matter how long it was left to get up, clinging to the hope of this state disappearing, if not forever, for today; but he couldn’t.
The minutes seemed to pass by, although to be fair, if could have been seconds, twisted by his mind and making them appear much more endless.
Moving carefully as to not disturb the others, he moved his arm to grab his phone from the bedside table. When his hand reached it, Zane’s cycle started again, making his chest move, the familiar noise making Cole stop before moving his arm again once he was sure the nindroid was still asleep.
5:12 AM.
The Earth Master was not a morning person, at least not before the memory of her appeared in his dreams, suffocating his chest with a translucent pain, forcing him to go to his parents room, just to remember that it was only Lou’s.
Those days he woke up against his will, just like today.
Contradicting his past self, he wished to grief and cry and scream. He wished to go back before he had been a ghost, feeling the punches of the enemies against his body, the blood escaping his veins and the unbearable fatigue after a long day.
Most importantly, he wanted to care, to cry rivers at the fact that she was no longer with him. To feel uncontrollable anger when someone hurt his family, to feel the warmth covering his chest when one of the guys laughed, instead, he was stuck in this orb, away from reality.
His thoughts stopped when his phone lit up with a new notification.
5:20 AM.
How could he live another day like this? How could he bear be alive, when hours were composed like an empty shell? How could he move on like he wasn’t already dead?
He knew he was not dead, his heart was beating, his lungs were filled with air, his brain was carrying out all the functions it was supposed to do, yet, he felt like a ghost again.
No dangers were near, no traumatic event had happened recently, no one was hurt… he was just laying on a comfortable bed next to some of his favorite people.
He grunted low, the first audible indication that he still had a voice, therefore, a body.
Moving the covers to free himself, he stood slowly to take a bath, knowing it wasn’t going to change anything, except from cleaning his body.
He looked at his reflection, the foggy mirror deformed the vision of him, all blurry and tarnish, just like him.
Everything was difficult, living as someone and not something was turning his flesh into threads that moved the vessel called body, and tangled with whatever tasks, emotions, words, people he encountered.
He felt like mingling into the nothingness of existence.
The door opened and Cole saw Kai moving, ready to wake up at any second. Running to avoid any questions at his early rise, he went to train, in yet another desperate attempt to live a normal day.
It was 6:00 AM, the sudden cold hitting his skin didn’t get a reaction from him. He had changed in his usual wear, rigid compared to the loose gray cotton shirt he slept on, it made him suddenly shiver, not because of the texture or the mentioned clinate, but because moving a lot was too much for his brain. He wondered if his experience was similar to when Jay was having a meltdown, or when he felt overstimulated.
After a quick warm up exercise, he started hitting the target dummy, dust flying around
Him and his fists.
The sun hitting and warming his face was the only indicator of the passing time.
He pushed, whipped, kicked.
And the object took all of his grief in the form of blows. Taking a step back as an impulse for a heavy kick, he felt a hand on his shoulder, processing the touch and almost hitting the certain someone.
“Cole.”
He turned around, the blush from the exercise intensifying once he turned around and saw the ice ninja.
“Zane.”
The white haired guy tightened his grip slightly, as if he already knew what Cole was going through, he wouldn’t be surprised if he did know.
“I heard you woke up early."
“I couldn’t fall back asleep.”
They felt silent, Cole’s chest moving up and down, catching his breath.
“You’re hurt.” Zane spoke, surprising the taller ninja and making his heart skip a beat.
“Is it that obvious?” he tried not to sound too worried by chucking at the end, still processing that Zane, Zane from all people, would have guessed that he was unwell.
He felt the others icy metaling hand slip down and hold his hand, examining his bloody red knuckles.
Oh.
He meant that.
Zane’s eyes moved, scanning his hand from the tip of his fingers to his wrist.
He frowned, making Cole sigh and turn his face away from that stern but caring expression.
“Why did you start training without your bandages on? Did you forget them?”
“I didn’t.”
“Then why—“ Zane was confused.
“Look, Zane, it’s fine, I’m fine, it doesn’t hurt.”
The Earth ninja felt guilty now that Zane had to take care of those wounds, and instead of being mad, he was worried, of course he was.
“It doesn’t hurt? How could it not?”
“My lava powers?” he wasn’t expecting for his answer to sound like a question, and yet it did.
“You and I know how your powers work, they don’t make you immune to bruises, punches or starches.”
Instead of waiting for another answer, Zane indicated the other one to follow him inside the monastery.
They entered the building, Kai already being dressed and with pounds of gel on his hair.
“Morning.”
“Morning,” Cole greeted back, moving his hand to mess the other’s hair before being stopped.
“Don’t you dare.”
“Fine,” Cole continued his way towards Zane“ but you’re going to mess it anyway with all the training.
“As if,” Kai replied while making a pose that forced Cole to smile and roll his eyes.
They arrived to the bathroom, cabinet already open and the ice ninja kneeled down to get the aid kit.
Cole washed his hands before he sat on the toilet seat, tending his hand to Zane, who took them between his long fingers.
“You should be training right now with the others, I don’t want to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering me at all.”
“Zane.” The nindroid tilted his head upwards, those piercing blue glowy eyes looking right back at him.
“I can do this, thank you,” Cole tried again.
“I know you can, however, I want to do it.”
Cole smiled, murmuring a quiet “thank you” that made Zane smile back at him.
Now his knuckles were wrapped up in bandages, red only visible if you squinted.
“I didn’t tighten too much, did I?”
“No Zane, they feel just right.”
“I’m glad.”
Cole stood up.
“As much as I would like you to take the day off, I know you won’t do that, so I would appreciate it if you skipped any more arm exercises for today.”
“Noted.” The black haired guy nodded and slowly gave the other one a forehead kiss.
━━ ▲ ━━
“ I did the dinner dishes yesterday, dumbass,” Nya spoke to her brother before punching
Him and taking the most enormous bite she could to his quesadilla.
“Hey!” Kai screamed and looked dumbfounded at his food “What was that for?!”
“For being stupid and lazy,” she sat next to him knowing he wouldn’t bother her anymore.
“You could have just asked me nicely!”
“Would you have listened?” Nya fighted back.
Kai returned to eating his breakfast with a serious expression.
“See? Besides, I enjoy it when I annoy you.”
Kai punched Nya back, making her laugh. She was in a good mood today.
Cole sat in front of the two, with a slice of chocolate cake on a plate.
“Are you not hungry?” Zane asked him.
“What?” he was too focused on the siblings bickering, or maybe he was drifting again.
“Are you not hungry?” Zane asked again.
Cole looked at the cake.
Truth is, Cole was starving; he already wanted to be eating another slice, but when he had days like these, food tasted like nothing. It had no flavor, no texture, no nothing, making the experience of eating just worthless.
He took a bite, concentrating to get some information out of his taste buds.
Which just made him feel shallow.
He couldn’t even enjoy eating cake.
“I guess I’m not.”
“I can make you something else if you like.”
“I’ll just eat something later, don’t worry Frosty,”
Cole turned to his left and tapped Jay’s shoulder to get his attention, the freckled guy looking up from his phone, mouth full of cereal and colorful marshmallows.
“Hey Jay, you want this?”
Jay squinted, his moving legs suddenly stopping.
“Why would you give up a piece of cake?” he took it and smelt it “a chocolate piece of cake.”
“Not hungry.”
Jay left the cake to his side.
“Dude, you trained like an hour and a half straight, save it for later,” the lighting ninja
Said, while grabbing with his fingers a heart-shaped marshmallow, giving it to Cole, “and you should listen to Zane.
“Maybe I should,” the black ninja answered before putting it on his mouth and swallowing.
━━ ▲ ━━
The ninja were relaxing on the couch, Nya trying not to fall asleep scrolling through her phone, Zane closing his eyes as if he were meditating, Kai waiting his turn on the game that Jay was playing and Cole just watched the screen.
“Alright team, we’re going to the beach,” Lloyd entered the room and posed like a total idiot from one of those superhero movies, “well, not to the beach exactly, more like the harbor, but it has water, I guess.”
“We’re going to the beach?!” Jay exclaimed before hearing the last part, not even looking away from his video game.
“No, Jay, the harb—“
“Finally we can relax while—“
“Were not going there for vacations guys, the police has tracked illegal shipment of vengestone, we’re going to check it quickly.”
Nya appeared to be fully awake now, although not enthusiastic.
“We know that it’s not going to be quick,” Kai said annoyed while Jay groaned in the background because of his ruined plans, or because he received a punch that took half of his hearts, maybe both.
“I would rather die than go on a mission on a relatively free day,” Nya said clearly annoyed.
Everyone looked at her, making her nervous.
“Nya, you’re the master of water, you have to be there.”
She seemed more interested in Jay’s game than anything Lloyd was saying.
“What if something bad happens?” Lloyd sounded more anxious than he wanted to.
“It’s just a simple mission,” her chuckle seemed forced, “you guys are not thaaat stupid to mess it up.”
“Recalling our past adventures, yes we are,” Zane stated.
That got out a little laugh from Kai, while Nya stood up from her sit and walked as nonchalantly as she could to her room, not before waving them goodbye.
A silence would have entered if it wasn’t for the TV on, they all knew she was still processing the time where she became one with the ocean.
“Ok,” Lloyd’s downcast voice said, “ok, fine.”
“Jay.” Zane stood gracefully from the floor, ready to follow Lloyd to pick up the vehicles.
“ONE MORE MINUTE I GOING TO—“
Lasers were shooting everywhere, the final boss had grabbed Jay’s avatar and the lighting ninja pressed the buttons harshly in an attempt to free himself.
“Come on motormouth, you heard Lloyd,” Cole grabbed the TV control laying next to him and turned it off.
Jay screamed like he was going to die, and in a way, he was, well, his avatar.
“You’re so done,” he directed a frowned look to Cole.
Zane lightly slapped Jay on the head and offered a hand to Cole, helping him stand up from the couch.
━━ ▲ ━━
The harbor was busy with noise.
People shouting commands and instructions, the ships announcing their department with a loud honk, large packages being moved by screeching cranes and low trucks, all covered by the background noise of the sea, the waves crashing into the structures.
Everything seemed normal.
If they haven’t received a call, Cole would have never guessed someone was entering Ninjago with a ridiculous amount of vengestone, he was honestly tired of dealing with the same shit every now and then.
Kai and Jay where bickering about who would play on the TV once they finished the mission, if it were another day, Cole would have silenced them, today Lloyd did.
“Could you guys be quiet for a second?”
“Sorry.” Jay said, Kai stayed silent.
“Is that the ship we’re looking for?” Zane asked before anyone stared talking again.
Lloyd confirmed, giving instructions to get in, Jay and Cole, Zane and Kai, Lloyd alone, if Cole didn’t know him, he would have guessed he liked being the center of the spotlight.
The duo climbed from the right side of the boat, their hooks gripping the surface, all those training sessions paying off and allowing them to climb.
Once they got to the top, the silence was everything but comforting.
They walked until a loud crash sounded far, making them both instinctively raise their weapons. Jay reacted faster, turning around and hitting some guy. Two more came their way, Cole dealing with them with far less gracility than if he were on his five senses.
They hurried to meet the others, getting inside the ship to see how much merchandise they had was the objective.
Lloyd’s green suit highlited his position in all the crowd. For some reason criminals kept appearing, like a video game.
Kai and Zane were coordinated as always, like dancing even.
Cole didn’t think his fighting today was that clumsy, although by Jay’s reaction when he bumped into him accidentally said otherwise.
At one point they corned Jay to the rail, his thin complexity enabling him to balance and not fall.
Someone noticed this, running towards Jay and jumping to his side, planning to push him.
Cole, a few meters away, intended to throw his hammer in the direction of the man.
And so he did.
Even when his position was rather inconvenient.
Even if there was a doubt at the final moment after throwing.
Physics was never his forte. Or, the hammer had a different angle, and missed by far.
Jay, who was turning to face him, reacted a second before the weapon crashed with his leg, his eyes full with surprise and his mouth half open with a scream that never came out.
Everything was loud, chaotic and moving, except that somehow, Cole saw how time froze slowly; hearing the metal crash with Jay’s bones, a dull, dry sound that definitely didn’t sound like a weapon against a metal rail.
He could only stare when Jay fell backwards, bringing the man he was fighting against down with him.
It felt like an eternity when his body decided to run to the edge of the ship.
He grabbed the surface, deforming it with his super strength. His breathing quickened, almost to the point of hyperventilation.
He looked down, the sea swallowing his view with a deep black color.
Just like the fog he once fell in.
Just like the hole that formed in his guts when he was a ghost around water.
His lungs seemed to stop working, his feet were stuck even if he wanted to run, to hide.
He heard voices behind him, they sounded like fireworks.
Someone ran by his side asking him something along the lines of “what happened?”, the sound of weapons against each other dulling.
He felt an uncanny discomfort when he couldn’t even remember what he was doing there, what he was trying to do before his nightmares swallowed him again.
Lloyd dived into the water, the green dot getting tinier the more he went into the deep sea, Kai standing now by his side, watching his brother help the blue ninja.
━━ ▲ ━━
Cole’s adrenaline made his struggles be the second priority.
First it was Jay.
He remembers climbing the ambulance along Lloyd, holding Jay’s hand while he was unconscious.
His heart was going fast like he was running to catch up to a thief.
Not sure when or how but his breathing had become automatic again.
Closing his eyes he focused on the ground, which was not a very intelligent idea due to
Them being aboard a moving car. Ambulance, whatever.
Jay’s hand was still cold.
They arrived at the hospital without Cole knowing how much time that took, he let a
Shaky sigh of relief before getting down and making space for the professionals to do their job.
And then he was there, his anxious leg moving up and down, his hands holding his forehead, the occasional guilt hitting him and manifesting in the form of goosebumps, shakes.
The particular, strong scent of hospital entering his nose, making him remember a kid who lost his mother.
“Breathe.”
The smell of sterilized syringes and death.
“I am breathing.”
Kai’s leg touched his.
“You know what I meant.”
Cole closed his eyes, focus focus focus you stupid idiot.
Zane grabbed his arm, forcing the black ninja to look at him.
“Cole, everything’s going to be alright. After Lloyd got to the surface and performed CPR on Jay I checked his body signals, only a small percentage of water remained on his lungs. His cuboid bone was fractured, but with the proper care and rest Jay will be able to return to his normal activities as a ninja.”
Cole must have starred for seconds without a verbal answer because he saw Zane’s blue eyes dilatate, and possibly scan him physically to check if everything was fine.
“Okay.”
The three ninja could hear Lloyd’s voice getting closer and closer, mingling with voices of nurses, doctors, patients.
“Cole, you know you can tell me anything,” Zane’s brows softened “tell us, we’re—”
“Guys,” the green eyed boy approached them, calm reflecting in his face “he’s fine, we’re just waiting for the results and then we can leave.
Kai’s tensed shoulders relaxed and invited Lloyd to sit beside him while they waited for their partner.
━━ ▲ ━━
Nya was walking around the room, unable to calm down after receiving a message from Kai.
She checked the clock again, uncertain of the time of the incident and when Kai decided (or could) notify her.
“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” Kai’s message said.
Just a few minutes, it had been half an hour.
She wasn’t going to wait anymore, she shouldn’t have waited this long. Just when the water ninja grabbed her keys, jacket and made her way through the corridor, the door flung open and the voices of the guys washed the silence away.
“Where were you?” Nya’s worry turned into anger.
Everyone seemed spaced out except Kai, who just tried to play chill.
“Sis everything’s fine, Jay is right here,” he grabbed the other ninja’s arm, “see?”
“I can see he’s here,” she gave Kai a look and walked towards them, helping Jay sit on the couch, her arm around his shoulders.
Jay looked at her and smiled, he was paler than usual, but nothing serious, she knew the lightning ninja had been worse.
“How are you feeling?”
“Much better Nya.”
“Good,” she said, kissing his cheek.
Her vision side-eyed Jay’s foot cast before looking at the green ninja.
“Well, apart from this, what happened with the mission?”
Lloyd rubbed this neck, clearing his throat, he sensed it wasn’t a good time to talk about this since they couldn’t get more information, or getting the vengestone for that matter.
“They got away.”
Cole, who was leaning against the wall, looked down.
Nya was still processing everything.
The TV room was exactly how the ninja left it, just illuminated now by the evening sun, tiny dust particles floating around and landing on the table with the game controller.
“Sure you don’t wanna go to your room Jay?” Kai said.
“No playing Jay,” Nya pointed a finger to Jay and walked to the kitchen where Zane and Lloyd had gone.
“But my arms and hands are just fine!” Jay replied shouted so she could hear, the girl only rolling her eyes at the response.
“So,” she took a tomato slice from Zane and asked with a whisper, “what happened?”
Lloyd, helping the nindroid retrieve all the ingredients, closed the refrigerator.
“Um Cole, uh, he accidentally threw his hammer where Jay was standing, causing him to fall.”
Zane had finished cutting the tomatoes and continued with some carrots.
“He’s been distracted lately.”
Nya thought she was being discrete by speaking low, though Cole leaving to their room made her realize she wasn’t.
She sighed, her heart clenching, and forcing her to go get him.
━━ ▲ ━━
Cole sat on the floor.
His breathing started to quicken again, and his head now rested in his legs, the light of the room disappearing.
He remembered that Kai said to breathe. It scared him how the memory seemed much older, he was sure it just happened today. Maybe he told him that in another instance? Was it really Kai who told him that?
He felt heavy as the Earth, so heavy that he didn’t notice Nya coming in.
She rested her head on his arm, slowly, just when she was sure she could.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Cole didn’t want to be rude, but he couldn’t speak.
She seemed to get it, staying by his side and trying to match her breathing to his. Whether she was trying to calm him or just simply doing it without purpose, Cole felt himself at ease.
He untangled himself from his position, allowing her to better rest her head.
“I know.” Nya told him after a couple of minutes, before standing up and giving him a look that made him realize it was the same for her, the loss of one’s mind.
━━ ▲ ━━
He didn’t eat, he just heard the sound of plates and cutlery distant, until it stopped.
He thanked them for leaving him be, scared of facing them, scared of talking to them.
Kai entered first, turning the light on. He, like his sister, sat and held him.
Zane followed Jay who was using crutches.
Just the sight of that made him shiver, and all the tears he had accumulated during the day spilled fast and easy.
Jay was planning to sit next to him, which only made him hiccup louder while standing up, dusting the bed when he sat besides him, Kai between the both.
Zane, behind him leaned on his back.
Despite crying, the intensity of his emotions never came back after temporarily losing his body. Neither did his sense of time, not completely, and it only got worse after the fog.
The tears seemed to stop, and only then someone spoke.
“It is imperative that you tell us how you feel.”
Cole shook his head.
“I’m not mad that you threw me like 20 pounds near my foot.”
“Jay!” Kai said.
“I’m serious,” and he looked like he meant it.
“I know you’re not mad,” Cole finally spoke.
He looked at him, hoping that his eyes convayed everything a smile could say.
“I know you can relate, to some degree, how I feel.”
All three of them waited for him to continue.
“How everything feels distant and foggy. I couldn’t say exactly how, it just does.”
Cole cracked his knuckles, before Zane stopped him.
“I just remembered her, and, this is gonna sound so bad but, I miss the urge to— hurt myself?”
Zane visibly tensed, Kai frowned, and Jay just took some seconds before slouching.
“At least, I felt something, pain, hurt, sadness, now I don’t even feel when I’m tired, I know that I need rest,” Cole continued, “I just don’t— feel I deserve it, how could I?”
The three of them seemed to get closer if that was even possible.
“I know I do because of my worth, me being on this team, who I am, but if I don’t feel like me or the world around me for that matter, why even try?”
Jay started sniffing, making Cole guilty for everything he was saying.
Zane’s inner workings seemed to run a mile per hour.
“Why would you say this?” Kai seemed confused and angry.
“What do you mean why?”
“Why would you like to hurt? Can you not just be happy? Even if you don’t feel like something real, you’re still here, your existence is enough for you to deserve stuff.”
“He wants to feel something,” Zane talked low and soft, “in a dissociative state, the person doesn’t experience life like they used to.”
Kai’s vision traveled between Zane, and Cole, and finally Jay, who started crying. He took Jay’s hand.
“I wasn’t aware that you felt like this,” the room temperature started dropping, like Zane wasn’t in control of his powers, “it is true that I have experienced the same, given all our life experiences,and as I’m also a nindroid.”
Cole hadn’t meant it like that, but it was obvious why Zane said it.
“I didn’t—“
Cole looked the other way.
“We want to help you, it is true that neither do I know how to treat this emotions, even I, who can search anything in a matter of seconds” the temperature kept cooling, “but we can try together don’t we?”
The black ninja finally looked at him, the same tender attention that he felt when Zane tended his wounds.
Cole nodded, noticing he had a lump on his throat.
“I’m truly sorry for today, I didn’t mean to mess it up, and I certainly didn’t mean to throw my hammer at you” Cole looked at Jay, “I truly care about you guys, it will cost me time to understand it’s— the same love you have towards me.”
Kai smiled.
“It’ll take longer to deal with the other stuff, about, feeling real— but I want you to be alongside me.”
The temperature started to go back to normal.
“If— if I’m not a burden.”
“You’re not,” Jay said with a raspy voice, “dumbass.”
With an awkward angle, Jay hugged him, and then Zane, and then Kai; it felt, at least those couple of minutes, that he was complete.
Body and soul.