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Water splashed onto his face as he coughed. He looked up, staring at his expression. His cheekbones had sunken, his skin was pale and the light in his eyes had dulled. He stared at the mirror, taking in every detail, every wrinkle on his face, his beauty mark, his disgusting eyes. He studied his face closely as he wondered out loud:
How could someone ever love somebody like me?
It was one of their usual practices. Akito and An were killing it, Kohane was improving each step she took, and Touya was proud of them for that. After all, they were his squad. They were Vivid Bad Squad, crushing RAD WEEKEND. He had seen it all.
How Akito would struggle with over-practising.
How An would constantly compare herself with Kohane.
How Kohane struggled with her self-confidence.
It tugged at his heartstrings whenever he thought about how much they’ve struggled but pulled through each time. How no matter how much dirt was kicked in their faces, they would always get back up, stronger than ever.
He couldn’t feel the same way towards himself either.
If dirt was being kicked in their faces, they would shield him from it. When they rise ups stronger than ever, he was the one still crawling behind.
He felt sick.
How they’ve all become better, strong, while he’s been stuck in the same rabbit hole he’s dug himself. He couldn’t count the times where he thought that they could stand shoulder to shoulder, singing their hearts out on stage when there was none. They were all leagues ahead of him, and there was nothing he could do about it. He can’t be a good partner.
Not when Akito was struggling.
Not when An was struggling.
Not when Kohane was struggling.
He could do nothing. He was nothing.
He was a failure.
At everything.
He’s such a
Horrible
Person.
Even when An and Kohane started singing better again. Even when Akito had repeatedly assured him that he was the best partner for him.
He couldn’t feel good about himself.
Aoyagi Touya was conflicted.
He’s a horrible person.
Yet he feels that everyone in the world is horrible too.
They can’t be horrible, since that would make everyone else like him, and he was a horrible, worthless, selfish person and everyone is so much better than the piece of trash he is.
He hated himself.
He hates how he can’t feel good about others either.
Not when An had resolved her conflict with Kohane.
Not when Akito had risen up from his Crawl Greens incident.
Not when Kohane had gained confidence and who’s singing was soaring high.
He hates that he can’t feel happy for them.
‘Why is An able to do that so quickly? She was nothing but a selfish, irresponsible partner who failed Kohane.”
‘How did Akito manage to do that? He has no talent. He’s so mediocre.’
‘Kohane shouldn’t be so overconfident about her abilities. She’s just a nobody. A rookie who just so happened to have talent she shouldn’t have.’
He hated those thoughts that seeped into his head and buried them deep inside. After all, no one wants to find out that one of your partners had been hating on you whenever you felt at your highest.
That's why he put on a mask. A mask of innocence and wonder, masterfully crafted to not let any cracks form. Ever since he was young, he would put on his mask whenever he was forced to play the piano. He would put it on when he was having dark days but his friends needed comforting too. He would put on his mask and pretend everything was fine. When you’ve been wearing it since young, it feels like a second skin. And he hated it. How his small grin would show up, even though he was feeling empty inside. How he would congratulate others, even though he was spewing curses at others for being more talented than him. He didn’t deserve to have those thoughts.
But they
Just
Keep
On
Coming.
The hateful thoughts never stopped, and soon directed onto him.
‘Why are you such a coward?’
‘Untalented freak.’
‘Worthless piece of trash.’
On a day that the sun seemed too bright for it, he stared at the mirror, thoughts running through his head as he thought, I really am stupid, worthless, untalented, ugly, a freak. The thoughts ran through his head as he leaned back onto the wall and took out a flash of sharp metal, before running them through his thighs. The blood seeped in, but Touya couldn’t care. He deserved it anyways. He was just a burden for Akito, An, Kohane, Tsukasa-senpai, Saki and everyone else. Akito deserved a better partner than him, An and Kohane should have teamed up with someone else with a stronger resolve, Tsukasa-senpai deserved a better junior and Saki deserved to live freely without Touya, worthless useless Touya occupying a corner of her mind.
Every cut reaffirmed his thoughts.
‘Worthless’
‘Trash’
‘Just go and kill yourself right now’
….
After a while, he cleaned the blade up and walked over to his room. His eyes, devoid of life, flicked to the pill bottle resting on his nightstand table. He’s been taking sleeping pills to fall asleep each night, and every so often wondered what would happen if he just took a few more than he was supposed to. His hands trembled as he held the penknife, contemplating whether to cut his wrists or not. However, always in the end he would put it, the knife or the pills, down, and flop onto his bed and sleep.
Aoyagi Touya was a coward, too afraid of the beyond to take his own life. He desperately wants to free the people he cared about from this burden called Aoyagi Touya, but was always too cowardly to.
He flopped down onto his bed as his brain replayed every text message he sent, every conversation he had and twisted it into berates of him.
‘Why did you say that, that's so insensitive.’
‘That was so dumb, you just ruined everything.’
‘You’ve messed that up so many times, you failure.’
He would go to bed, always thinking about how much he loved his friends, and how much he wishes to free them of this burden that is him. He goes to bed, thinking about how he wishes that he would go to sleep and never wake up again.
Living is too painful.
He fulfilled no purpose in anyone's life. Everything he does is the same and mundane. Waking up to the same old alarm, walking the same steps to go to school, dealing with the same troubles, the same homework, the same practice routine, the same thoughts…
It was too much.
He just wanted everything to be over with.
Aoyagi Touya hated pain, and living is always too painful.
He still has to get up though. Wake up to the same alarm, walk the same steps to go to school, deal with the same shenanigans at school.
He would hear An out about her troubles, help Akito with his, and offer advice for Kohane about hers. Everyday, he would wear that mask and help them, because he can’t help himself from this rabbit hole of a mess he’s in.
Aoyagi Touya was never good at being kind to himself. At least he could do so for others.