Chapter Text
Merlin was acting timid, and it was all extremely odd. Arthur’s manservant was many things, but he was not timid.
It was a balmy summer’s evening, and the window of Arthur’s chambers was open. A light breeze was trailing in, birds were singing as they flew to and from the balconies outside, and Merlin had finished all his jobs for the day. There was really no reason for Merlin to be looking so damned nervous.
He was hanging around aimlessly in the middle of Arthur’s chambers. One minute he would turn towards the door, the next to Arthur, his mouth hanging open like a caught fish.
‘Merlin,’ Arthur said, glancing up from his desk as he went through that week’s paperwork.
Merlin clearly heard him, because he flinched, and then he lowered his eyes to the floor in a look that was almost deferential.
‘Merlin.”
Merlin let out a sigh. ‘What?’
If anyone else had responded with anything except a “yes, sire?” then Arthur would have chastised them for it, but Merlin was, well… Merlin.
‘Is there a reason why you’re stood in the middle of the room doing absolutely nothing?’
Merlin raised a hand to rub at his ear and shot an almost longing look at the door. ‘Er, well…’
Arthur narrowed his eyes at his manservant, putting down his quill and straightening in his seat. ‘You look suspicious. What’s going on?’
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘A likely story.’
‘Well, it’s just that…’ His servant’s voice trailed off to nothing.
‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Arthur said, letting his tone practically drip with sarcasm.
Merlin cleared his throat, scratching at the side of his head, but then he nodded to himself and stood up taller, clasping his hands tightly in front of him. ‘Arthur,’ he said, and he looked Arthur directly in the eye. ‘I need to tell you something.’
Arthur raised his eyebrows, then crossed his arms and leant back with a smile. ‘Goodness, Merlin, anyone would think you were about to confess to murder.’
Merlin winced. ‘Well, I mean, not murder in the traditional sense.’ He flashed an uneasy grin. ‘At least, it’s never been premeditated.’
Arthur just shook his head and let out an incredulous laugh. What had he ever laughed at before this bumbling fool had waltzed into his life?
‘Arthur, seriously,’ Merlin said, ‘this is quite… serious.’
Arthur rolled his eyes. ‘As eloquent as always, Merlin.’
Merlin shook his head and walked forward, but when Arthur remained silent to give him the perfect opportunity to say his piece, he still said nothing.
‘Well, chop, chop,’ Arthur huffed. ‘Let’s not wait for the grass to grow.’
Merlin gulped and nodded, as if reassuring himself. ‘I need to tell you something.’
Arthur sighed and leaned on his elbow to pinch the bridge of his nose. ‘You know, I think you’re getting slower by the day. I wasn’t going to mention it, but yesterday you laid out Guinevere’s clothes instead of mine.’
Merlin snapped out of his odd awkwardness and looked immediately affronted. ‘That wasn’t me.’
‘We both know that red has always been my best colour,’ Arthur drawled, trying to hold back how funny he found it, ‘but the cut wasn’t really my style.’
‘I didn’t…’
‘Or it was just you trying on dresses again,’ Arthur offered, grinning openly now.
‘I swear it wasn’t me. It was the new maid.’ Merlin said, pointing in the direction of the closed chamber door. ‘She’s still learning where everything goes.’
‘It’s a little embarrassing, Merlin, when my past amour Guinevere now lives in her chambers with Lancelot on the other side of the castle.’
Merlin let out an awkward laugh, scratching at the side of his face. ‘Lottie doesn’t know about the history between you two, and I found some of Gwaine’s socks in a desk drawer yesterday. I wouldn’t take it personally.’
Arthur wanted to know exactly how Merlin had been able to recognise them as Gwaine’s socks, but he feared another tangent would have them sitting there all night. There was a long moment of more silence, and then Arthur could not help but groan in frustration. ‘Heavens, Merlin. You had something you wanted to tell me?’
‘What?’ Merlin blinked. ‘Oh, yes, um…’ He was nodding to himself again, and his face was growing more and more scrunched up. ‘I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time now.’
‘Wow,’ Arthur drawled. ‘Do tell.’
Merlin’s eyelids dropped and his entire stance seemed to wither where he stood. ‘Please, Arthur. I’m trying to tell you something important here.’
‘Clearly,’ Arthur said with a smirk.
Merlin took in a steadying breath. ‘When we first met, you were just Uther’s son, and if I had told you back then you might have done something horrible like cut my head off.’
Arthur had been watching him carefully, but at such a bold statement he scoffed and went back to stacking his papers. ‘You needn’t be quite so dramatic, Merlin.’
Merlin pressed on, ignoring Arthur’s entertaining interludes. ‘I couldn’t tell you back then, even though I would have liked to.’ He sighed. ‘I would have loved to let you see all of me straight from the off, but it wasn’t an option.’
Realisation dawned on Arthur then as to what the numbskull was talking about. He dropped his papers and rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, for the sake of the gods.’
Merlin frowned at him. ‘What?’
‘Look,’ Arthur said, sitting back in his seat and holding up his hands. ‘I know I was a clotpole back then.’
‘Back then?’ Merlin put in, raising an eyebrow, because clearly the cheeky sod could not help himself.
‘I wasn’t as wise as I am now…’
Merlin let out a guffaw of laughter.
‘…and I can see how all that bravado with the knights might have put you off telling me.’
Merlin blinked. Arthur had been expecting a sigh of relief, but his frown did not lessen. ‘Well, yes, it put me off you completely, only because you were always acting like such an idiot.’
‘I know, Merlin,’ Arthur said through gritted teeth, picking his quill back up. ‘I know it,’ he gestured to himself, ‘and you know it,’ he pointed to Merlin. ‘Leon teases me about it all the time. I was a complete fool back then.’
He quickly signed off several pending charters that he had read earlier, squinting as the light from the setting sun faded behind him.
‘As gratified as I am to hear you finally admit that,’ Merlin continued, ‘I couldn’t tell you back then, but now we’ve become friends.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ Arthur said, raising an eyebrow without looking up. ‘Light a few candles, would you?’
Merlin huffed irately. ‘Could you put the quill down and listen to me for a moment?’
Arthur huffed right back. ‘I thought I just did?’
Merlin, having not lit a single candle, strode over to Arthur’s desk and leant over it with both hands. ‘Arthur.’
‘Alright, alright!’ Arthur exclaimed, throwing down the quill and giving his manservant his full attention once more. ‘I’m listening.’
‘This always happens,’ Merlin declared, throwing up his hands. ‘I try to get you alone to talk and then we end up jibing at each other and I don’t want to ruin the mood.’
Merlin folded his arms across his chest, gripping himself tightly as he stared into the fire, and suddenly it became hard to look away, and not just because of how scruffy the man looked with the frayed edges of his tunic untucked like that. The orange firelight was hitting Merlin’s face, making his skin glow, illuminating the blue of his eyes and highlighting the sharpness of his cheekbones.
His shoulders were tense, his mouth downturned, and Arthur realised for the first time that Merlin was genuinely nervous. Forget nervous, he looked practically solemn.
‘It’s very complicated, you see,’ Merlin muttered.
‘Speak up, Merlin, will you? If you want me to pay attention.’
Merlin shot Arthur a glare. ‘As I was saying, it’s gone on for so long now, and the more time has passed the harder it’s been to tell you, but I think the time has come.’
Noticing that perhaps Merlin’s tether was starting to reach its end, Arthur offered him a smile and said in what he hoped was an encouraging tone, ‘You can tell me anything.’
Merlin did not smile back. His gaze flickered over Arthur’s face as if looking for some kind of trap.
‘You’re going to hate me,’ he said finally, and his voice cracked as he did so.
Arthur was starting to feel genuinely concerned. There was genuine fear in Merlin’s eyes.
But surely it was not fear of Arthur? They were best friends, even though Arthur would never admit it. Merlin knew they were. Merlin was his favourite person in all the world. He was just getting in his own head and worrying over nothing.
Arthur waved a hand. ‘There is nothing you could say or do that would make me hate you, Merlin.’ He had tried to sound light-hearted, reassuring, but it had come out sounding flippant.
Merlin’s expression did not break. ‘I believe you, Arthur, honestly I do, but I also don’t think you see me as capable of doing some things either.’
Arthur frowned. ‘You can’t seriously think that I could ever hate you? That I would ever wish you any harm?’
Merlin sighed, rubbing at his forehead. ‘I want to believe you wouldn’t, but the things we’re taught from a young age can be hard to unlearn. I’ve been taught my whole life to stay hidden, to move quietly and not draw attention to myself. It’s always been part of the way I operate, but I want things to change. I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to hide or lie to you anymore, and if you do cast me out or… or sentence me to death, then I will have to deal with that, but at least everything will be out in the open.’
Arthur was utterly gobsmacked. ‘Merlin,’ he said very slowly, leaning over his desk and catching his servant’s eye. ‘I promise you now, you are in no danger of being either banished or executed.’
The fact that Merlin believed Arthur capable of ordering his execution was difficult to hear, but how like Merlin it was to blow things so out of proportion. Yes, some kingdoms were funny about it, but Camelot had never been that way.
His fool of a servant thought he was being subtle too, but Arthur knew. Everyone knew. Arthur could only hope to the gods that he had been subtle with how much he enjoyed Merlin being like that, how much he enjoyed their interactions and receiving Merlin’s attention.
‘Look, come over here and sit down, would you,’ Arthur ordered, nodding at the chair across from him.
Merlin look surprised, and more irritatingly but perhaps predictably, he did not do as he was told.
‘Come on,’ Arthur encouraged.
Merlin, slowly and with very obvious reluctance, pulled out the chair opposite Arthur and took a seat, clutching at the fabric of his breeches.
‘Now, look,’ Arthur said, trying to sound matter of fact. ‘Before you say anything else, you and I both know that, well… these things… are not commonplace. I don’t doubt that you’ve received some backlash from people when you’ve revealed it to them, but as far as I’m concerned, you will never be in any danger as long as I am king of Camelot.’
Arthur had been expecting a wave of relief, perhaps even a few tears, but as he spoke Merlin’s face sank further and further into a quizzical frown.
‘Um, Arthur?’ Merlin said after a long pause, clutching at his trousers like they were about to sprout legs of their own and run away from him across the chamber.
‘Yes?’
‘What do you think I’m talking about?’
Arthur scanned Merlin’s face quickly, looking for the joke. ‘The, well…’ He cleared his throat and gestured vaguely at Merlin. ‘The thing you’re referring to, of course.’
Merlin’s eyes narrowed. ‘Which is what exactly?’
Arthur felt heat rise in his face. ‘What’s the matter with you? I’m trying to make things easier for you here.’
‘You said, “these things”,’ Merlin pointed out.
‘Yes…’
‘So, you know what I’m talking about?’ Merlin asked, sounding very suspicious.
‘Of course,’ Arthur replied indignantly.
Merlin leant across the desk, his eyes sharp. ‘What is it then?’
Arthur felt affronted. ‘I’m not going to say it for you, Merlin. Why do I always have to do the bloody hard work around here?’
Merlin’s gaze was still fixed on him. ‘You don’t seem very upset about it.’
Arthur shrugged. ‘Why would I be? It’s not unheard of.’
Merlin blinked several times, but then he relaxed backwards, looking away, his face cracking into a large smile. ‘You don’t know.’
‘I do,’ Arthur insisted, getting more and more annoyed by the minute.
‘You definitely don’t,’ Merlin parried. He let out a bark of laughter and put his head in his hands. ‘This is not how I imagined this conversation going.’
‘I do know,’ Arthur asserted. ‘You haven’t exactly hidden it very well, especially with me.’
Merlin looked up quickly, eyes wide. ‘Wait, what?’
Arthur was quite pleased to see that every trace of Merlin’s smirking smile had vanished.
‘The way you are,’ Arthur continued, shrugging. ‘I don’t want to make you self-conscious, but you’re just not subtle.’
‘I am very subtle,’ Merlin said with a sharp note of finality.
Arthur laughed, thinking of all the exchanged glances, the flirtatious smiles. ‘You’re really not.’
‘I have been so careful you wouldn’t believe,’ Merlin emphasised. ‘And I know you’re not ok with this, which is how I know that you don’t know. I’ve practically got my bags packed for when you inevitably never want to see me again.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ Arthur huffed.
Merlin stood up abruptly. He leant his fist on the table, leaning over it, and Arthur felt a flicker of nerves go through his stomach at the intensity in Merlin’s eyes.
‘This is life or death for me. I am constantly using every ounce of power and intelligence I have…’
‘Which probably doesn’t count for much,’ Arthur muttered.
‘… to make sure that you never find out. I’ve been worried for years that you would catch me in the act and I have done everything I could to prevent that happening.’
Arthur wrinkled his nose immediately. ‘Catch you in the act?! No thanks.’
He tried to ignore the stab of jealously in his chest at such a notion.
‘I think we’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent here,’ Merlin said slowly. ‘How about we start at the beginning again and you, for once in your stupid princely life, just listen to me.’
Arthur shook his head immediately, rage bubbling in his stomach. Merlin always chastised him for being self-centred but this time he could not hold it in. He stood up and strode around his desk and across the room, away from his imbecile of a servant.
‘I appreciate that you wanted to tell me straight, Merlin, but honestly, I’ve had my suspicions for a while.’ Arthur shrugged off his stiff jacket and tossed it onto a chair in the corner of the room. ‘I’ve even talked about it with the knights a little.’
‘What?’ Merlin asked, his tone laced with shock.
‘Oh, come on, you know what Gwaine’s like,’ Arthur said, waving his hand in Merlin’s general direction but keeping his gaze averted. ‘He says it as it is. He just came up to me and asked me about it, and I didn’t know what to say to him. I said that he should ask you about it.’ He waved in Merlin’s direction again. ‘But he said he was being a good friend and waiting until you were ready to tell him.’
Merlin flopped back to lean his scrawny arse against Arthur’s desk, an act which was very improper and only did more to make Arthur feel so utterly fond of him. ‘He said that?’ he murmured.
‘Which I,’ Arthur emphasised, pointing at himself, ‘agree with, if only for the fact that it puts off an awkward conversation like this for as long as possible.’
Arthur looked at his servant expectantly, but the man was lost for words.
‘I couldn’t bring it up,’ Arthur continued, ‘I wouldn’t even know which words to use, but fine, fine! I’ll do it. If you, um, shall we say…’ he held his breath for a few seconds, then walked closer to Merlin and lowered his voice like they were in a public tavern, ‘prefer the company of men,’ he paused again, giving Merlin a meaningful look, ‘then I respect that.’
Merlin just stared. He was frozen where he sat, crumpling Arthur’s paperwork.
Arthur frowned, starting to feel worried. ‘I’ve said the wrong thing, haven’t I?’
Merlin deflated then. His shoulders sank and his gaze fell to the floor.
Arthur held up his hands, feeling the need to be genuinely placating. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly, and he genuinely was. ‘I don’t mean to insult you, I just… no one talks about this kind of thing, except for Gwaine, and I will never repeat the vulgarities that come out of his mouth.’
Merlin let out a long-suffering sigh. ‘That… makes a lot of sense.’
‘Am I wrong?’ Arthur asked quickly.
Merlin laughed awkwardly, scuffing his boot against the floor. ‘Um… no Arthur, you’re… not wrong.’
Arthur raised his chin triumphantly, feeling a fire blaze into life in his stomach. ‘I knew it!’
His reaction made Merlin’s smile turn overtly fond. Arthur could sit and drink in that smile all day.
‘I’ve known it all along,’ Arthur affirmed, coming right up to Merlin now and pushing him lightly in the shoulder. ‘You shouldn’t have got so worried about it.’
‘I didn’t realise it was so obvious,’ Merlin mused, eyes on the ground again.
Arthur shrugged. ‘Well, it’s not like you were wearing a banner, but when you get to know someone you pick up certain signs, don’t you? If you’re looking for it, I mean.’
Merlin raised his head quickly and caught Arthur’s eye. ‘You were looking for it?’
Arthur coughed abruptly and leant away, wanting to kick himself. ‘Well, I…’ He could feel his face growing hot.
Merlin was looking at him strangely.
‘Here I am trying to make you feel better and I’m being questioned for it,’ Arthur exclaimed, trying to sound irritated. ‘Can we relax now that your dreaded big secret has been brought to light?’
‘Alright, alright,’ Merlin said, holding up his hands. His expression turned troubled once again. ‘But, er, no. What I want to tell you is actually something a lot bigger than that.’
Arthur, who had been about ready to collapse onto his cushions and ask Merlin to draw the curtains, instead sat down slowly at the end of the bed. ‘Oh.’ Arthur did not know what else to say. He had always known Merlin was a dark horse, that he kept things about himself under wraps, but there was really more?
‘And for your information,’ Merlin said, wandering over and coming to lean against the bed post with his arms folded. ‘Gwaine was definitely stirring up trouble when he talked to you about my… preferences.’
‘How so?’ Arthur asked, pulling off one of his boots just for something to do and chucking it against the nearest wall.
Merlin looked down at Arthur with a knowing look, two piercing sapphire eyes beneath his mop of black hair. ‘What exactly did Gwaine say to you?’
Arthur mused for a moment, pursing his lips. ‘He said, “Oh, Arthur, my glorious king, I am constantly in awe of how you put up with such a dull-witted and irritating servant. How do you do it?”’
Merlin huffed a laugh, shaking his head ruefully.
‘He asked me,’ Arthur finally supplied, ‘if you were, and I quote, “into men.”’
‘Talk about being blunt,’ Merlin mused.
‘I, not wishing to misunderstand,’ Arthur drawled, as he pulled off his second boot ‘asked him to clarify what he meant by that.’
Merlin shook his head with a smirk. An echo of the fond smile was back, and Arthur revelled in it.
‘We were at that tavern on the King’s Road. You,’ Arthur pointed at Merlin’s chest, ‘were chatting to the son of the barkeep, and Gwaine sidled up to me with a drink in hand. He pointed out that the two of you were a bit closer than you ought to be and wondered whether you planned on going home with us or him for the night. Then he wondered openly what your so-called “preferences” are.’
Arthur had been, admittedly, incredibly annoyed by the topic of conversation, but not for the reason Merlin might have initially supposed. ‘Did you?’ he cut in quickly before he could think better about it.
‘Did I what?’ Merlin asked, his eyes flicking between Arthur’s.
‘Go home with him.’
Merlin blinked at the question, but then rolled his eyes. ‘I remember the night in question quite clearly, and you were there, Arthur. You know I went home with you and the knights.’
‘But I couldn’t find you for a good long…’
‘Nothing happened,’ Merlin said with finality.
Good, Arthur thought.
Merlin had, for some reason, assumed a teasing expression. ‘Gwaine was messing with you though.’
‘I know he was,’ Arthur agreed. ‘I couldn’t look you in the eye for the rest of the night.’
‘No,’ Merlin persisted, the firelight dancing in his eyes. ‘He was messing with you because he found out that I prefer men after we kissed in the hay barn that time.’
Arthur’s entire blood supply seemed to sink down into his feet. ‘What?!’ he let out before he could stop himself, springing to his feet and staring at Merlin.
Merlin did not look bothered in the slightest. He actually looked quite pleased with himself.
‘Don’t stand there, lounging against my bed, Merlin, with that satisfied expression on your face. Explain yourself.’
‘Why should I?’ Merlin retorted with a shrug. ‘You’ve just made a point about how you’re not bothered about it.’
‘But with Gwaine?!’
‘Why not?’ Merlin said with another shrug. ‘He’s a good kisser.’
Arthur let out a noise of incredulity and strode backwards, flinging up his arms. ‘Are you and him together, then?’ He was not even sure how it worked for two men. They could hardly get betrothed to one another.
‘No.’
‘You are… oh,’ he said, deflating at once.
‘He’s not really one for relationships,’ Merlin answered, looking down at his feet for the umpteenth time, ‘and I like somebody else too much. It wouldn’t have worked out.’
Why did that make Arthur’s heart soar and his stomach feel sick with nerves all at once?
Merlin looked timid again too. Was there hope that…?
‘I need a drink,’ Arthur declared, before he could let his thoughts spiral. He strode over to grab the wine jug from the side table. He filled his goblet, then took an empty water beaker and filled that too. To his own surprise as much as Merlin’s, he passed the wine goblet to Merlin and satisfied himself with the beaker.
Merlin took the wine and sipped it delicately. ‘I’m exhausted,’ he said with a sigh.
‘Me too,’ Arthur said, rather softly, as he sat back down at the end of the bed. ‘I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.’
‘Well,’ Merlin shrugged, ‘you weren’t wrong. And do you mind? That bed was made perfectly before you decided to plonk your behind on it.’
‘I’ll be going to sleep any minute, idiot,’ Arthur said, leaning across the bed and grabbing a cushion just so he could throw it at Merlin’s head.
Merlin dodged the assault expertly, holding his goblet of wine aloft. ‘Like you know how to make a bed,’ he huffed, but then he sat down too, picking up the cushion from the floor as he went and bringing it to his lap so he could fiddle with the tassels that hung off each end.
Arthur watched his fingers move for a few moments. They were lithe, but still very masculine. There was dirt beneath his fingernails, probably from fetching herbs for Gaius.
‘How do you know?’ he asked, taking a small sip of wine.
Merlin smiled mildly at him, his lips already stained red. ‘Know what?’
‘That you like men?’
Merlin shrugged. ‘I just do.’
‘Just men?’
Merlin nodded.
Arthur pondered this. ‘You’re sure?’
‘Yes, Arthur. One hundred percent sure.’
‘You’ve never even tried it with a woman?’
Merlin sighed, looking down at the cushion in his lap. ‘I thought I loved a woman once, a few years after I came to Camelot, but in retrospect I think I just felt her to be a kindred spirit. We were both outsiders, set apart from the world and society.’
Arthur wanted to poke fun at Merlin for thinking he was so mysterious and interesting, but he was also taken aback that Merlin had been in what he had thought was love, and Arthur had never noticed.
‘I felt a deep connection with her, but it wasn’t romantic. I’m much more drawn to men.’
‘But of course you have a natural pull to them,’ Arthur reasoned. ‘I mean, yes, women are very obviously pretty and they put flowers in their hair and things, but men can be just as beautiful, alluring even, only in a different way. They have a more masculine energy.’
The wine was already doing its job. Arthur could not quite believe he had the audacity to say all these things.
‘Are you sure you’re not just confusing that admiration of them for…’ He waved his hand in the air as he grappled for the correct words, ‘…romantic attraction?’
Merlin just blinked at him. In fact, he was practically staring. ‘I don’t think all men think that, Arthur,’ he voiced quietly.
‘Of course they do,’ Arthur parried immediately.
‘I don’t think Percy thinks that, or Leon or…’
‘You’re missing the point, Merlin. What I’m saying is…’
‘I know what you’re saying, Arthur, but no. I’m attracted to men. As in, I want to kiss them.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah.’
Arthur wanted to say that surely all men wanted to kiss other men too, but he had a feeling that Merlin would end up staring at him again.
Arthur took another long gulp of wine. ‘So you’ve, ahem, tried it with men then?’ he asked, feeling heat rising in his cheeks just from the question. Merlin and him had never spoken together like this before and it was exceedingly odd, but he was itching to know more.
Merlin was smiling amusedly, not looking nearly as flustered as Arthur felt. ‘Yeah. But Arthur, this isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.’
Arthur sighed. ‘What, more secret revelations?’
Merlin nodded.
Arthur shook his head. ‘Who knew you were so mysterious. First you reveal you lie with men…’
Merlin spluttered. ‘I do not “lie with men”.’
‘You just said you do!’
‘Yes, but the way you said it makes it sound like I have a new one in my bed every night.’
‘I didn’t want to underestimate your natural charm,’ Arthur said, trying to sound sardonic.
‘I’ll naturally charm you in a minute,’ Merlin muttered.
‘Have you lain with men then?’ Arthur asked, hoping to the gods he was not blushing.
Merlin wrinkled his nose. ‘Why are you asking such personal questions?’
Arthur mouth fell open. ‘I thought we were having a sensitive conversation, that’s why,’ he defended.
Merlin sighed. ‘I don’t know how to talk about this stuff. I don’t even know what to call what I am.’
‘Well, what should we call it?’ Arthur asked. ‘Male-inclined?’
Merlin gave him a withering look.
‘Women-opposed?’
‘You’ll make me sound like I hate women completely if you say that.’
‘There isn’t a word!’ Arthur declared.
‘The boys in Ealdor used to call me “fae boy” or “faerie boy”,’ Merlin said with a huff.
If Arthur had not been blushing already, he certainly was now. He tried to cover it with a cough. ‘Erm, fae suits you,’ he muttered.
Merlin frowned at Arthur like he was waiting for the punchline to the joke. ‘I don’t think they meant it in a nice way.’
Arthur shrugged. ‘It’s a pretty word though, and like I said, it suits you.’
It was true. Only a good king could so easily discern what was clearly right in front of him.
Merlin looked a little bewildered, but there was also a smirk growing on his face. Arthur loved and hated that smirk. It was things like that that made Arthur want to kiss him, but Merlin wouldn’t understand if Arthur said that.
‘You think I’m pretty?’
‘Merlin,’ Arthur said, passing his beaker of wine from one hand to the other, ‘you know you’re pretty. I thought you wanted to talk to me about something important.’
Merlin was looking more and more pleased by the second.
‘So that’s why you said you never fitted in then, in Ealdor?’ Arthur asked, trying to get the ball rolling again and stop thinking about kissing his manservant.
‘Well yes, there was the “fae” thing,’ Merlin said with a smirk, ‘and then the fact that my mother wasn’t married, and, well, the thing I need to tell you. They never knew for sure, but I think they suspected, and so people were wary of me.’
‘Alright. This second big secret. Go on then. You have to tell me it now.’ He let out a sigh. ‘After all this I’m going to feel like I hardly know you at all.’
He had been going for a joke, but Merlin was suddenly looking like he was about to walk out to his own execution.
‘Oh, come on, Merlin,’ Arthur said, leaning over and punching Merlin on the arm. ‘You’re being dramatic again. It can’t be that bad.’
Merlin scowled, rubbing his arm, and then paused, considering. ‘It’s pretty bad.’
Arthur was really quite stumped by that.
‘Well, no, not bad. It’s never bad, at least in my opinion. But it’s big. It’s significant.’
‘So nothing related to how many of my knights you have or have not kissed?’ Arthur put in, feeling a little woozy from the wine.
As if he could read Arthur’s thoughts, Merlin sighed, then reached out and took Arthur’s wine off him and put both of their cups down on the floor.
‘Hey, I was drinking that.’
‘I need you to have a clear head.’
Arthur leant back on a throw cushion. ‘Alright, go on then.’
Merlin looked apprehensive again, but his eyes were such a deep blue in the low firelight that he still looked undeniably beautiful.
Arthur gulped when Merlin pulled his legs up onto the bed and sat cross legged, looking at Arthur straight on.
‘Shoes on the bed, really?’ Arthur asked.
Merlin rolled his eyes, then pulled both of his boots off with a pointed look and chucked them in the same place Arthur had.
‘You’re the one who was just saying…’ Arthur started, but Merlin cut him off.
‘Arthur,’ he said, fiddling once again with the tassel on the cushion. ‘The thing I want to tell you…’
‘The oh-so-serious secret that you’ve been hiding from me since the day we met, you mean?’ Arthur interrupted, feeling more than a little sanctimonious. ‘Or should I say the second…’
‘Well,’ Merlin cut in, ‘it has less to do with my personal preferences and more to do with the law, established morality, and inter-kingdom politics.’
Arthur dropped his joking façade at once. He stared at Merlin. ‘Oh.’
Merlin looked grim. ‘Yeah.’
‘Oh. This is a serious secret.’
‘Yes,’ Merlin said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.’